Should 6-year-old travel cross-country with dad she doesn't know well?

Print | Comments () Posted by Barbara F. Meltz April 16, 2013 06:00 AM

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[This letter has been condensed. BFM]
My wife and I find ourselves in a dilemma with her daughter’s dad. He would like to take his daughter across the country – by driving – for a vacation from North Carolina to Seattle. The purpose of the vacation would be to visit his parents who recently moved from our area to Seattle. He would also like to stop on the way in Las Vegas area for a visit with his wife’s family. This would be approximately a 2-week trip. My wife’s daughter will turn 6 when the trip occurs.

Our problem [is due to his] lack of involvement with his daughter. He has custody rights to her on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend. That arrangement is not consistently met by him; he often makes excuses ...why he cannot pick her up and/or changes plans at the last second.... He is inconsistent in other areas of responsibility for his daughter as well; late (or no) child payments, does not call to speak to her on a regular basis, is not directly involved with her schooling, etc. He is a generally good person but has not necessarily built a strong bond with his daughter or taking her as a prioritized responsibility; hence our concern.

The daughter does enjoy a relationship with her grandparents prior to their moving to Seattle. She seems to enjoy spending time with her dad when it happens; other times she is reluctant to visit; she often tries to hide when he comes to pick her up; more so out of what appears to be her joking around to avoid the reality of her leaving to visit. Our nervousness also includes that she is very clingy to her mother. Mom is very protective of her well being and does not feel comfortable with the Father taking her for extended time, given his inconsistent responsibilities. I have made suggestions on how she can work with him on “building towards” a trip (i.e. she needs to work with him on building more trust prior to the trip, based on consistent actions from both sides); can you suggest an approach? I greatly appreciate any thoughts you and the readers may have; thank you in advance.

From: TCH, Cary, NC

Dear TCH,

Has this little girl ever been away from her mom for more than one night? You say the dad has Wednesday "evenings" and every other weekend. I'm wondering: does that translate to overnights, or to extended time?

To me, this is a no-brainer: Before any 6-year-old spends an extended period of time away from her primary-care parent, she needs to build up the muscle to do so. Literally. How often does she sleep at dad's? How does it go? Has she ever spent two days or more with him? What kind of relationship does she have with his new wife? And how does she do with long-distance car travel? Some kids get car sick. That could be agony -- for everyone! -- on a cross-country trip. Some 6-year-olds have a pretty solid idea of how long "two weeks" are, others don't have a clue. Where does she fall?

I like your idea of building up to this. To that end, I suggest the adults have a sit-down conversation with all the cards on the table. Begin with the positive side of the ledger. It sounds like your wife knows this could be wonderful for her daughter to see her grandparents and for her to grow a stronger relationship with her dad. At the same time, it sounds like she has every reason to need to be made to feel more confident and comfortable that it can work. Put the responsibility on the father so that it's his choice to step up to the plate or not. Can he build on the relationship with his daughter before the trip happens, by spending more time with her? Can he work to improve his record of reliability?

I, too, hope we hear from readers who have had similar experiences and can offer suggestions.

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5 comments so far...

As a Girl Scout leader I can tell you that before we allow little girls to go away for a night without a parent our policy is to build up to it with progressively longer events; a movie night in jammies then you go home, a mommy and me overnight, a close to home overnight, etc.

I would suggest that you need to follow the same policy of progression. Two weeks, especially a long car trip where the child would presumably be strapped into a car for hours on end, is crazy! I didn't take my kid on that kind of trip until she was 10, could read and amuse herself, and even then it was only a two day trip.

I would urge you to document every interaction with this man. He may be well-meaning but he is clueless. If you must get a lawyer involved, so be it. He is not aware of what is in the child's best interest.

Posted by Dixie Lee April 16, 13 01:49 PM

If you do let her go, make sure you pack her a big bag of car-ready entertainment (travel games, coloring books, etc.). Don't rely on her dad to do this. Convince dad to buy a DVD player for the car (with headphones if necessary) and pack 20 hours worth of movies.

To me, this seems like an absolute bore for a 6 year old and it doesn't sound like dad knows how to entertain her. I would only agree to it if dad promises to sit in the backseat with her for a LOT of the drive and play games while stepmom drives. And if her 6th birthday occurs during the trip, insist on a special excursion to something fun and memorable on her b-day.

Posted by Dawn April 16, 13 02:37 PM

No way - this would be too traumatic for the child. My daughter's relationship with her father was similar and I wouldn't dream of sending her off on a trip like that.

Posted by Corinne Steele April 17, 13 03:55 PM

This reminds me of visitation with my father when I was young. Total disaster, and that was between Boston-NY and back, with each of my parents driving halfway and meeting in the middle. I remember getting violently ill on the way home, being ignored when I protested that I was sick, then throwing up on myself and the utter distain my father and stepmom had for my illness. They even refused to clean me up or let me change clothes. During the time we were supposed to be with them we were nearly always without them at my Grandmother's house. If the Dad isn't a good caretaker, then taking over care for a long, consistent period of time will probably be the utter disaster it sounds like. I agree, you can see if he can start slowly taking her for longer to build up to it, but it sounds like he will flake on that anyway, which at least will give you the leverage to say no.

Maybe some skype communication with the Grandparents would be nice though. When my husband travels, my three year old loves to skype with him. If a three year old can do it (albeit in a very three year old kind of way) then a six year old can certainly continue her relationship with her grandparents that way.

Posted by merilisa April 17, 13 09:30 PM

Barbara - just wanted to thank you for posting my letter; it is much appreciated and we are taking all the suggestions in accordingly...have a great day!

Posted by tch April 18, 13 10:47 AM

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About the author

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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