8-yr-old sleeps in mom's underwear

Posted by Barbara F. Meltz June 27, 2013 06:00 AM

Over the past couple of months, my son has been sneaking into my wife and my room and taking her bras and underwear, putting them on and falling asleep like that. He is otherwise a totally normal 8 year old boy. Up until this, he would normally sleep naked, despite numerous attempts to get him to stay in his pajamas. He is normal in school and play. The only major life difference that has occurred is that I have been attending seminary and am out of town two nights a week. It was shortly after I started this schedule that this new behavior appeared. His mother and I are happily married, with respectable jobs even if a meager income. He is close with his grandparents, even though he lives three hours from his paternal grandmother and his maternal grandparents live in South America. I am a bit concerned about this behavior and would like some advice as to how to deal with this in a productive way without making him feel any humiliation or other awkward feelings.

From: Steve, York, PA

Dear Steve,

Believe it or not, this behavior happens more frequently than you might expect, it's just that parents typically are too freaked to talk/ask about it. At this age, wanting to wear mom's underwear could be because:

1. It's a source of comfort. It's possible he doesn't view them as "girls' clothes" but as "mom's clothes." This particularly makes sense if the changes in your family's lives have been trying.

2. It's an indicator that he might someday identify as gay, bisexual, transgender, or gender nonconforming.

3. It's a fetish (ie, a source of sexual satisfaction).

The fact that he falls asleep in it likely means he is not embarrassed or ashamed (that's good) but that doesn't mean that at some level he isn't wondering why he does this.
Initiate a conversation in a non-judgmental way: "I've noticed that you sometimes take mom's underwear and wear it....." Your goal is to keep shame -- yours or his -- out of the equation so that he will speak freely. Tell him that while not everyone does this, some people do. Ask if he would like to share why he does it, but keep in mind that he may not have a clue. Offer to find a professional he can talk to who will help him understand why he does this.

Here are some resources: gender spectrum.org; PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays); "Raising my rainbow," a blog by a mom of a "gender creative" child, especially this post; and a terrific book, "Gender Born, Gender Made," by Diane Ehrensaft.

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11 comments so far...

You may try also asking several other questions to get at why he is doing it.
"Would you like us to buy you some of your own?" - if he says no, it could indicate his interest in the underwear is because it belongs to mommy.

If he says yes, when you take him shopping you could find out if what attracts him is the silkiness of the fabric, rather than the fact that it is underwear. I wondered about this because of his preference to sleep naked.

If he has his own set of clothes, it may lose its appeal after a while if it is just a novelty interest or if it is a way to comfort himself when there are changes in his environment.

Posted by interested party June 27, 13 09:10 AM

Not sure why everyone rushes to the thinking of "...can find a professional who you can talk to." Too many rush to therapists and the like. I think your idea of just talking to him in a non-threatening manner is the right guidance. Honestly, boys for years have worn Mom's shoes, put on makeup, worn their bras, etc. I think its just a young boy who is 8. I would not make a big deal out of it. If he wants to dress like a girl and go out in public, ie school, then you have bigger issues. But for now, I'd not freak out.

Posted by Chris June 27, 13 09:43 AM

Yeah. Sometimes saying something like, "No, we're going to get you your own pajamas" works.

Posted by cameron June 27, 13 11:30 AM

Really? I don't know why the MOM isn't more weirded out by the idea of someone else wearing her underwear. Underwear is very personal. I would feel strange if any child of mine -- boy OR girl -- wanted to wear mine to sleep in. I'm not judging that he likes to wear it -- but he should get his own. If it's something that belongs to his mom that's the thing, maybe there's something else of hers he'd like to wear, pajamas or a slip or a tshirt or something.

Posted by emj June 27, 13 12:00 PM

You say NO. What is wrong with people...you need to say NO and buy him his own pajamas...you don't ask him if he wants you to. You do it.

Posted by Judy June 27, 13 02:30 PM

Well done on your answer! Good supportive and loving dad :)

Posted by Liz Owen June 27, 13 02:50 PM

I know of several boys, and an adult man, who like the silky feel of satin..one keeps a baby's satin bootie in his pocket - and he's a guys guy...the satin must be comforting. It could be as simple as that..
I like how this father is asking and willing to be supportive..

Posted by Salwa June 27, 13 10:24 PM

Feel bad for the kid whose picture is next to this article's headline.

Posted by eastie June 28, 13 01:43 AM

Judy. Why do you care what your child wears to bed at night? It's one thing to order a child if what he's doing is dangerous, but wearing mom's clothes is not. Why not let the child be? My girlfriend wears my t shirts, jackets and other garments, and I couldn't care less.

If mom doesn't like him wearing her clothes, she can give him her castoffs.

Posted by mark Danforth June 28, 13 06:27 AM

Judy is right... JUST SAY NO! What is wrong with you people...? Afraid to be a parent and put the foot down?

Posted by onlyonb.com June 28, 13 07:32 AM

I have 3 boys ranging in age from 7-12. Occasionally one will put on a bra and strut around to get a laugh. I tell him to take it off because they are expensive, not because I’m uncomfortable with what it might mean. I know it’s not PC of me to say, but if any one of them snuck my underwear and slept in it that would absolutely freak me out! What happens if that boy sneaks his Mom’s underwear to a sleepover at a friend’s home or to camp because nobody has ever told him it’s not the norm to wear Mom’s panties? Being a parent means having tough conversations. Your son needs to know this behavior is not typical and you should help him find an alternative. Good luck!

Posted by momof3 June 28, 13 12:45 PM

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About the author

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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