When an apology is not offered

Posted by Barbara F. Meltz June 11, 2013 06:00 AM

Hi Barbara,
I've had an issue come up recently and I am hoping you can help. My three year old refuses to apologize. In most situations, whatever happened was accidental (stepping on a playmate's foot or splashing water at the water table and getting it in someone's eyes) but instead of apologizing, she puts her head down and cries.

I don't know where this is coming from. We don't make a big deal of things (YOU MUST APOLOGIZE!) and generally let the kids work things out for themselves. Most times, it's not even a big deal and the action goes unnoticed but if the other child does call her out on it (hey, you stepped on my foot) then a simple "sorry" and it would be over but it turns into a show stopper because she cries and refuses to apologize and then is too upset to continue playing and must be removed from the situation.

I've tried talking to her about it at another time when her emotions are not so raw. I've explained that she doesn't have to cry, all she has to do is say sorry but she starts to cry all over again saying, "BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT".

I don't want to give her a complex and make it a bigger deal but i don't want her to think it's okay to not apologize for somethings. I've even tried to show her that everyone apologizes. For example, if she and I are playing blocks I will "accidentally" knock over her blocks and say, 'I'm sorry, let me help you fix that,' but she just isn't catching on.

Any ideas?

From: Apology Accepted, Marshfield, MA

Dear Apology Accepted,

Yes, manners matter. They have cultural benefits -- a simple, "I'm sorry" can help a child appear to be polite in the eyes of the world -- as well as personal ones: it's through apologies that children develop a sense of empathy which is, after all, a learned behavior. Sheryl Eberly writes in her book, "365 Manners Kids Should Know," that when a child learns to say "I'm sorry" to friends for the little things, those things tend to "stay little."

In "touchpoints, three to six," T. Berry Brazelton urges parents to start teaching manners by saying "please" and "thank you" to your baby so that, by age 3 and 4, those words are simply part of a child's habits. What's more, saying "I'm sorry," as you've been doing, is part of the process of teaching empathy, which is a learned behavior.

So yes, I get your concern. On the other hand, for reasons you may not be able to figure out, these words have developed a negative, indeed, shameful, aura for your daughter. When a child cries rather than give an apology, it might be out of fear of punishment. So I wouldn't force the apology on her. Instead:

Initiate a conversation: "What do you think it means to say 'I'm sorry?'" Here's the point you want to get across: "Sorry means, I realize I hurt you or your feelings. I feel badly because you feel badly. That's what being sorry is all about."

Talk to her about The Rules. Do this in a matter-of-fact way: "The rule is, when you want something, you say 'please."" "The rule is, when someone gives you something, you say, 'thank you."" "The rule is, when you do something that upsets another person, you say, 'I'm sorry.""

Continue to model the behavior you want her to learn by saying "I'm sorry" when it's appropriate. Don't over do it, and don't draw particular attention to it.

When you see your daughter do something that deserves an apology, focus on the injured party rather than on her. Yes, this could make your child feel guilty, but that's a healthier emotion than shame. Plus, when a child has the sense of having violated a standard of behavior, she may behave differently the next time.

If you see something happen at the playground, for instance, first, describe what happened: "You threw sand. It got in Amy's eye and it made her cry. You didn't mean to make her cry. Saying 'I'm sorry,' shows you care about her feelings." If she won't offer an apology, tell her matter-of-factly, "I can't make you feel sorry or apologize, but whether you are sorry or not, it's not OK to throw sand. We need to leave the playground."

Lastly, remember that at 3, your daughter is not yet able to internalize the feelings behind any of these words. That will come in the next few years. I wouldn't worry that her inability to apologize has long-range implications, especially if you continue to model appropriate responses.

Reinforce the behavior if she does say I'm sorry. "You were being a good friend to say you were sorry. It made Amy feel better, and I bet it made you feel good, too."

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8 comments so far...

"If she won't offer an apology, tell her matter-of-factly, 'I can't make you feel sorry or apologize, but whether you are sorry or not, it's not OK to throw sand. We need to leave the playground.'"

This advice seems to me like you will confuse the child. You're worried that the child will have a "fear of punishment," but then you are giving a consequence (read: punishment) and saying it's because of what she did (throwing sand) which it's not.

I say remove her from the playground, but be clear that it's not because she threw sand, it's because she didn't say "I'm sorry." Do it quickly, no warnings, before she begins to get upset. Stick to it and she'll figure it out quickly.

Posted by geocool June 11, 13 03:07 PM

Am I reading correctly that this happens when your daughter does something by accident? At that age and a little older, my daughter was somewhat defiant about having to say I'm sorry when it was an accident. She honestly did not understand why you had to be sorry when you didn't mean to do it!

So, I think you have an understanding gap here. Your daughter, for whatever reason, has chosen to express this lack of understanding by crying. I agree with Barbara that you need to take the focus of her and onto the accidently injured party. Use an example from something you did once (remember when I pulled you hair when I was brushing it).

A purposeful incident is different, because that needs an apology and a punishment.

Posted by ash June 12, 13 08:30 AM

My daughter was the exact same at 3 y.o. In fact, the only time out she ever got a time out at preschool was for refusing to say sorry to another child! It was because it was an accident and I think she must have thought saying sorry admitted guilt. She is a teen now and very sensitive to others so it is just a phase! I think Barbara's idea of making her understand that "sorry" is to make the other feel better is a good thing to try to explain to her. Or the other thing would be just to have her ask "Are you OK? Can I help you?" your daughter may find that easier and it usually works. When my dd got a little older she still wouldn't say sorry but she would do something to cheer the other child up, which often had the same effect (usually giving a little trinket or drawing or toy or something like that)

Posted by Momto3 June 12, 13 12:20 PM

What's most important is HOW and WHY is she crying? Is she angry or defiant? If that's the case, then I agree a consequence is in order.

Her reaction after she had calmed down (beginning to cry again) suggests to me that she is either feeling bad because she's 'in trouble' for doing something that was a true accident, ashamed/embarrassed at being 'in trouble' or hurting the other child, or genuinely feels so bad about doing it that she can't get the words out ('refusal').

First grade teacher's perspective (anyone can jump in if this is too advanced for 3): If that's the case, and make sure it is or you'll exacerbate the issue, she needs to know she's NOT in trouble. Maybe changing the language will help take away the stigma? Be cheerful and upbeat and smiley and sweep her up in it so she doesn't have time to burst into tears. "Susie, you are not in trouble. You bumped Sally by accident! Accidents happen. We say 'Are you okay?' when an accident happens. Let's ask Sally, 'Are you okay?'" Get her to say it if she can, and if she can't, you say it. Then, "Susie, we have to make sure Sally knows you won't do it again. Will you be more careful?" Wait for response. "Okay, let's tell Sally, 'I'll be more careful next time!'" Prompt her. Then fade away and let them play again. If she's really feeling guilty about doing something she perceives as 'wrong', any kind of consequence (even, "Let's go to the bench to talk about it") will make that guilt bigger. Again, if it's defiance, this will make it worse so make sure it's not!!

Maybe use that script at home fairly often ("Oh, Susie, it was an accident when I knocked over your blocks! Are you okay? I will be careful not to do that again!") so it normalizes.

Posted by GoodLuck! June 12, 13 06:38 PM

At our preschool, we de-emphasize "sorry" when it is truly an accident and focus on having the child ask the other (who was hurt) things along the lines of: "Are you okay? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" Another suggestion is for the child to say "It was an accident, I didn't meant to hurt you". All these words are comforting and offer sympathy and possibly remediation without implying that someone purposely set out to hurt another. The use of sorry in preschoolers can also become quickly formulaic and/or misunderstood as a "free pass" to cause harm as long as it is followed by the word "sorry"

As they approach 5, children begin to understand the concept of offering an apology even in case of accidents. They understand it as a catch all phrase that expresses the sentiments in the paragraph above. Like all things preschool, it is best to move from the concrete (i.e. checking that your friend doesn't have boo-boo) to the abstract (apologizing).

Posted by south shore preschool director June 13, 13 12:31 PM

One thing that has helped my daughter a lot with this is offering a few different ways to show she's sorry. If she hurts the cat, for example, I remind her that she can use her words to apologize or she can make him a card to show him she's sorry. She often opts for the making of the card. Our cat has one hanging by his litter box. :) It has taken the power struggle out of it and given her a bit more responsibility.

Posted by Casey from lifewithRoozle.com June 13, 13 03:24 PM

OK, I think I better make cards for my cats next to their litter boxes, because they'll feel left out. What a great idea, also I agree with south shore preschool director and the 1st grade teacher - asking are you ok? is good, too, and has nothing to do with whether something was an accident. I'd immediately change your wording and I love the "sweep her up and use your words" idea to help prompt her (eventually, after about 10 times of you doing it this way) to learn how to handle it.

Posted by Childcare center Director June 13, 13 07:42 PM

Tumford The Terrible is a cute picture book about a cat that won't apologize. I have read that to my 3 year old when he has refused in the past.

I agree there are alternatives to "I'm Sorry" because frankly it loses it's meaning during these years. The acts of showing you are sorry sometimes mean more.

Posted by Essie June 14, 13 07:33 AM

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About the author

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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