Mom dreads the end of school

Posted by Barbara F. Meltz June 5, 2013 06:00 AM

Hello!
I am the mom of two, boy and girl, fourth and second graders. Can you give me some advice? Every year, there is a week or two (this year,almost two) after school ends and before day camps kick in and I take some time off to keep the kids occupied. I always think, This will be fun! But I always end up hating it! I hate to say that! But it's true! They don't want to do any of the things I suggest (go to the lake! Go to the library! Visit an amusement park!), they just want to sit in front of the tv or some other screen and I end up being the mean mom and then they bicker and pick fights with each other about every little thing and it's awful. I never hear anyone else complain about this particular problem! Is it me?!

From: LTMc, NY state

Dear LTMc,

Most elementary-age kids -- no matter how much they've complained all year long about school -- are sad and lonely, some more than others. What they tend to miss most is the lack of routine and structure. Some miss the activities, the learning (yes!), and almost all miss the socialization with both classmates and adults. Not knowing what to do with themselves, how to express their feelings, or how to get on with things, they get plain old cranky.

On the other hand, some kids also just relish the idea of down-time and doing what they normally can't do, like stay in pj's all day and eat breakfast in front of the screen. Sounds like this might be your kids, so use that as a starting point. Suggest that this year, you want to do things differently. You know they've worked hard all year and you know they love just vegging out, so you want to give them one (or two) days of just that: vegging in front of the tv, not getting dressed, eating (some of) what they want. Here's their side of the deal: They have to work out together what they watch (unless you have some other way around that) and, after the two days are up, they will be ready for other activities.

But change the way you do that part, too. Intead of you proposing activities you think would be fun, ask them to each write five things they would like to do and five things they would be willing to do. (You might want to put some kind of price tag on this, or other control elements.) The idea is not for day-long, involved activities, just something that gives focus to each day. Then put the ideas in a jar, and have them take turns pulling them out, one a day. Give them suggestions to get them started: a bike ride; creating an obstacle course in the neighborhood or at a local park; planning a scavenger hunt for friends; using the computer to write a book about the school year that just ended; creating a do-good project, like fixing up an elderly neighbor's garden or picking up neighborhood litter; planting a vegetable garden; starting a collection (wildflowers? insects?); creating a neighborhood newspaper or video and interviewing neighbors about their summer plans; teaching the dog some tricks. Then involve them in the planning. With any luck, a walk in the woods could open their eyes to the different kinds of leaves, which could lead to a collection,m which could lead to the library, which could lead to a scrapbook. Not only do you have a summer-long project, but a life-long interest!

Here are other (some personally) tried and true tips, in no particular order:

Make plans for them with class mates in the first days after school so it doesn't feel as if everyone has fallen off the end of the world.

Put a schedule on the 'fridge, dividing the day up into activities much like a school day. You don't have to be rigid about it but some kids do better having those "boundaries."

Lunch is a social time for most elementary school kids. Make it special at home, too -- a picnic lunch under a tree, taking a packed lunch to the playground. Acknowledge what they might be feeling: "Boy, our house must be seem so quiet compared to the lunchroom at school."

And I bet you will have more success with this by giving them the time they want first.

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6 comments so far...

Every year we make a colorful "summer bucket list" on a big piece of poster board, with boxes to check off the items as we do them.

The ideas come from every member of the family, not just me (Mom, Susie Cruise Director). Last summer our list included things to make in the kitchen (ice cream, pickles, strawberry jam, pizza on the grill), places to go that were expensive (museum, aquarium, amusement park, zoo), places to go that are free (parks/hiking/beach), family members and friends we want to make plans with. Wash the cars, have a water fight, put out the slip n' slide, have a lemonade stand. Take the train into the city to visit Dad at work.

Many times 2-3 items on the bucket list that came from different people in the family can be combined into an afternoon/evening and then everyone really is happy with the plan.

Additionally, I have the kids each make their own list of personal things they want to accomplish. My son always has a list of books and movies he wants to read and see, or work on his basketball throw. My daughter wants to do different art projects - paint shells or rocks we have collected, do sand art, etc. This summer she needs to learn to tie her shoes and ride a two-wheeler. (She is five.) These types of things help fill other down time.

This works better for me than the "pull something out of a jar, because each week of the summer we can evaluate the list and see what works with the weather and the rest of our schedule. My kids inevitably will pull "go to the zoo" out of the hat on a 90 degree day, and to walk around Boston Common when it is pouring rain. I still have the control over what we do, but since the ideas were not all mine, it feels more like we plan it together.

Posted by RH June 5, 13 09:38 AM

Barbara - The structured day camps (Scout, YMCA, etc.) may not kick in until one or two weeks after the end of school. However, in many towns, the after-school program has a "summer camp" program that starts as soon as the first weekday after the end of public school. Another thing that the harried mother could do is get together with parents of the kids' friends and set up playdates at the various houses.

Posted by Emily Marget June 5, 13 12:12 PM

If your kids are introverts (meaning not that they aren't social, just that they need alone time more than others), they will hardly ever be enthusiastic about proposed activities. What we did when our kids were this age was to plan an event (say, a trip to the Museum of Science) that we knew they'd like, and then just told them we were off on a surprise adventure. Once they got there, they always had fun, even if they griped on the car ride. And we didn't plan stuff for every single day. It's perfectly okay to just let your kids entertain themselves. If they tell you they are bored, tell them it's their job, not yours, to find something fun to do.

Posted by Mom to two teens June 5, 13 03:39 PM

My kids will reflexively say no to anything I propose sometimes. So I either don't tell them where we're going ("It will be fun. Trust me.) and make it a surprise, or I throw it back at them and make them choose the activity. What I do not tolerate is "I'm bored" My kids have learned that "I'm Bored" gets them a list of chores that need doing. Suddenly, they seem to always find something to do, go figure.

Posted by BMS June 6, 13 11:33 AM

Yes, a dust cloth or a dry mop was my mom's response to "I'm bored." Needless to say, we found ways to occupy ourselves!

Posted by Susan June 6, 13 04:33 PM

One thing to add here...it sounds like your kids spend most of the summer in camp? Not passing judgement at all (I went to camp and so did my kids), but they do spend 180 days in the regular routine of school and probably 8-9 weeks in the regular structure of camp, one week in front of the tv may be something of a relief to them, and probably also not the end of the world. I always struggled with these "staycation" periods. I suggest you give yourself a break, too, since this is probably your only time to "veg" as well.

Scheduling some playtime with friends and letting them pick the activities you do is a great idea if you do plan some things to do. I also suggest bringing a friend along for each off them these field trips, or at least a friend for one of them. Then you can give the other some special attention. But really, I suffered from a bit of this as well and I can save you some of the guilt you are feeling. Its ok to lie around a bit in the summer staring at the clouds. That's what summer is for. You do it, too!

Posted by ash June 10, 13 07:57 AM

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About the author

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

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