These 15-year-olds are excluding a long-time friend

Posted by Barbara F. Meltz June 19, 2013 06:00 AM

Hello Barbara,
\Longtime fan, first time writer! My daughter is 15 and has a tight group of friends most of whom she became close with through shared sports. It's a co-ed group, but there's a tight girl-only sub-group. There is a girl in the group they've been excluding lately because she is "annoying." My daughter certainly has not stuck up for her or encouraged that she be included. I don't know how strong a voice she has been in the group to exclude (getting info from is is like pulling teeth!) My question is, as a parent, how much shyould I or other parents intervene? We live in a small town, we all know each other and are friendly. Personally, I think she's a nice kid and I can't imagine she's so annoying that they can't continue to include her in group events. She ran into the group recently during an outing to which she was not invited and she was very hurt. So do I make my daughter include her, [or] let things run their course? Help!

From :Berklady21, Western Ma

Dear Berklady21,

"Annoying" is the word kids use when they don't want to have to spell it out to us old fogies. It could be code for just about anything, from being a nerd to being a slut, which, by the way, can have a range of meanings, too and may -- or may not -- have any basis in reality. What's more, girls' reputations typically rise and fall on what amounts to not much more than someone's whim: She wore the "wrong" tank top. She got an A. And who's the someone who decides all this? Sometimes, it's a group effort, sometimes not so much. If anything, it's the result of someone's insecurity: girls (and sometimes boys, but not as much) make another girl the object of their scorn as a way to keep the finger from pointing at them.

In other words, this whole thing can be scary and vindictive. Even if your daughter feels empathy for this girl who's on the outs -- even if she knows what's happening is wrong or mean -- she may not have the courage to stand up for her because the group could turn on her.

A parent's role in all this is tricky because you don't know the true dynamics of the group, where your daughter stands, or what the girl in question has or hasn't done. Being direct with your daughter will only make her defensive ("Why are you yelling at me!?) and angry ("You don't know what you're talking about!") Here are some suggestions:

Label and identify what you observe without singling your daughter out: "I notice the group hasn't been including Mary." When she answers, "She's really annoying," ask, "So what does that mean, anyway?"

Look for ways to make your daughter an expert. Watching tv or videos together is often your best entry point because you can make a passing comment on plot etc: "Boy, I didn't see that coming, did you? I mean, why are they all so mean to her all of a sudden?"

Weigh in with your values but make it about you, not about her: "One of things I admire about my friend Joan is the way she sticks up for the under dog. That's such an important quality in a friend. Did I tell you what happened yesterday? She blew me away."

Want to be more direct? It's a lot easier if you observe mean or petty behavior firsthand: "I heard in the car what Hannah said about Mary. That was really cruel. It bothers me. What's going on?" With any luck, she'll open up ("Mom, I hate what's going on!") and then your job is to resist telling her what to do and, instead, brainstorm with her so that she can own whatever idea materializes.

Since you're friendly with the other moms, talk about starting a mother/daughter book group. I know high school girls have busy lives, but organizing a group where moms and daughters (mom /sons, dads/sons, etc) ) read together is one of the best ways I know to get values -- yours and theirs -- on the table in a meaningful way. And if that feels too contrived, start by inviting a few of these moms and daughters over sometime this summer just because you want to. (Your daughter will want a reason.) So maybe you prime the moms a bit beforehand.....See where it goes. A group conversation can be a lot less threatening, and summer is a great time to watch and see if dynamics shift.

If you want to read up over the summer yourself, here are some titles I recommend:

"The Secret Life of Girls" by Sharon Lamb; "Queen Bees & Wannabes, Helping your daughter survive cliques, gossip, boyfriends, and other realities of adolescence, by Rosalind Wiseman.

This blog is not written or edited by Boston.com or the Boston Globe.
The author is solely responsible for the content.

7 comments so far...

Has it occurred to anyone that she may, in fact, be annoying?

Not that it would justify being mean to her, but annoying people do exist and perhaps she is one of them. Whiny? Spends every waking moment fantasizing about marrying whathisname from One Direction and will not stop talking about it? Never does her homework and asks for help all the time?

Hypothesizing that a bunch of mean girls have picked a bullying target because of some triviality like wearing the wrong shirt is a stretch.

Posted by di June 19, 13 12:03 PM

"Annoying" very often means that the group has caught onto something (could be anything) that they think renders them cooler or more mature (well, in their own view of themselves, anyway!) than the peer-group at large, but the "annoying" person remains ignorant of this essential aspect of teenager-hood. Quite likely she is all too aware that there's something she hasn't picked up on, and she's frantically and anxiously trying to get up to speed... but the group is far more likely to do everything possible to keep her in ignorance than to let her in on the secret. Barbara's advice is great - addresses the bystander issue - vital in bullying situations.

Posted by alien57 June 19, 13 07:46 PM

Be there to support your daughter, but don't get involved. These are the types of things that kids need to work out for themselves.

As much as it might hurt the girl on the outside, the other girls have a right not to associate with her.

Posted by Mike June 20, 13 08:16 AM

I'm surprised that a question about bullying has prompted a recommendation for such a passive response.

If this long-time friend is "being annoying," she deserves a kind conversation about how her behavior is making her friends turn away. If, instead, the group has just decided to turn on her, then Berklady21 has spotted the victim of what is CLASSIC bullying by girls: exclusion. (just google "girls bullying exclusion" for hundreds of articles). If that's the case, then Berklady's daughter probably will, in time, come to regret the role she played in that. Although you've offered some ways to start the conversation, you haven't gone nearly far enough. Berklady can help her daughter find her way out of the role of a bystander to bullying, and should.

You wouldn't say, "boys will be boys" if a child were being beaten. Don't say "girls will be girls" in this situation.

Posted by susan June 21, 13 07:24 AM

Susan, we don't let boys beat each other up, but we also don't force boys to pretend they all like each other forever.

Yes, if there is a problem it would be helpful for them to say what it is. But I don't think they are purposely withholding this information because they enjoy making Janey squirm...but because they are kids. Bullying is making a project out of making a particular individual's life difficult and I am not convinced that this is what they are actually doing.

This backhanded feminism of "girls are just as mean as boys, see, their excluding rudeness is the moral equivalent of beating someone up" is a stretch.

Posted by di June 21, 13 03:41 PM

On the one hand, it could be cruel exclusion. But on the other hand, a lot of times young people cruelly exclude someone because that person in fact has an issue- and the young people simply don't yet have the social skills to handle someone who is displaying inappropriate or troubled behavior in a tactful and demure manner. The same goes for situations where friends simply grow apart, which happens quite frequently with teenagers.

Maybe they're just being mean to this girl (she dresses like a dork!) Maybe there's some real reason they're growing apart (she's taken up drinking; she's become very religious.) Or maybe she's troubled (depression, eating disorder) and they simply don't know the right way to handle it. But while you can make the girls be polite, you cannot make them be friends. That's just life.

Posted by AP June 21, 13 08:55 PM

The last poster hit it right on the head. This IS classic girl bullying. When you have a tight knit group of girls sometimes there can develop a "group think" where the girls are afraid of making a decision on their own. The result of this is none of these bullies wants it to be excluded as this one girl is so they join the group mentality, as a self defense mechanism.

If you have a relationship with these mothers you should choose at least one of them and discuss how these girls should be encouraged to look at the situation and think for themselves.

Posted by Teresa June 22, 13 07:14 AM

You must be logged in to submit a comment.

This blogger might want to review your comment before posting it.

About the author

Barbara F. Meltz is a freelance writer, parenting consultant, and author of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Understanding How Your Children See the World." She won several awards for her weekly "Child Caring" column in the Globe, including the 2008 American Psychological Association Print Excellence award. Barbara is available as a speaker for parent groups.

Submit a question for Barbara's Mailbag