[This letter has been condensed and edited. BFM.] I'm in a challenging relationship with my girlfriend or hope to- be- future wife. We are separated right now with some conflicting issues and, well, one of the questions is that she doesn't think it's important that her son have household chore, and that it's also ok for him to smoke pot in the house or in the basement.

From: Vic, Alton, IL

Barbara,

From: Hopee, Forsyth, GA

I am a single mother of a 15-year-old son. He never leaves the house to see friends or go places with me. He just wants to play video games all day on the computer. He does little chores seeing how my house is rarely messy. I want to reconnect with him but not to sure how anymore. Can you help?

It's hard enough to get going some mornings; trying to ride herd on a bunch of kids with different needs and routines can make it feel nearly impossible. Even if you have only one child to check up on, and even if your mornings are a piece of cake, there's still homework, projects, extra curricular activities, household chores, and bedtime to consider.

Ideally, you want your kids to eventually take responsibility for these things themselves, but until then, how do you stay on top of it all?

Does getting an allowance teach kids to manage money, or does it just condition them to expect a handout? Should you tie the allowance in to chores, or should chores be considered a non-negotiable family responsibility? And how much should a 10-year-old get, anyway?

The following question came in a Boston.com reader Q&A with Child Caring writer Barbara Meltz:

Question:Hi Barbara, I have a 12-year-old daughter and am at the beginning of the adolescent years ( I have 2 more to follow). How do I respond to her eye rolling and heavy sighing when I ask her to do a simple task like pick up her underwear? It seems no matter what I ask her, it's like I've asked her to cut off one of her fingers.

I try to set up expectations like, no computer until such and such is done and even though she knows that is the rule, she still acts openly disgusted. I try not to take it personally, but it is very hard not to get frustrated by her frustration. I have to admit, I do not like her like this and am afraid our relationship will suffer.

I do not feel like I am asking too much, but apparently she does. I have read some books, but I feel I need one about everyday frustrations. Any advice would be much appreciated as I have 2 more coming and I am dreading at least 10 years of door slamming and eye rolling.
FRUSTRATED MOM

Barbara Meltz: Dear Frustrated Mom, Welcome to parenting an adolescent. You've already made some great inroads ...and you are 100 percent right: you can't take any of this personally.

My take on this stage (I give a whole talk on this subject to parent groups) is that it's as if a light switch gets flipped. Kids go from being lovable and communicative to wanting privacy, rolling eyes, all the things you describe.

It's a healthy stage of development! And it's not that she hates you, it's that she hates the idea of you. She wants to believe that she is capable of being independent of you but deep down she knows she's not. Your very presence is a constant reminder to her of that.

Preteens want a voice in decisions, they want to be consulted and they want to feel respected. Almost like you have a toddler all over again. So you may need to parent differently, in a way that conveys to her that you know she is changing, that you aren't going anywhere no matter how much she rolls her eyes at you, that you still love her, and that you are willing to give her more of an appropriate voice in life.

If chores are a problem, ask her, "You know, you've been doing the same chores for 3 years. Would you like to have different ones that reflect who you are now?" Another line that will help, when she wants to do something new: "This is a big step. Let's try it and see how it goes." The more you are able to negotiate and give her a say in things without relinquishing your parental authority, the better. It's tricky, but it's doable.

Agree with Barbara's advice? Want to fine-tune it with some advice of your own? Let us know in our comments section -- and check out the advice and the comment boards on the following posts:

From my on-line chat that just ended comes this question from Bruce:

"We have a 6 yo son and a 9 yo daughter. We recently set up an allowance program for each where getting allowoance is tied to doing their daily routine (including getting ready for schoool, doing homework and bed time routeins.) We take away small parts of it if they do not follow the routine. What do you think of such a system? I am a little concerned about focusing on the negative (taking away money for bad behavior) vs being positive. They do give us a bit of a hard time with these things, butnot anything major."

I'm not a fan of tying allowance to chores. Here's a recent column on the subject, "Money for nothing? Even the experts aren't united on the value of allowance."