He made my grandson cry and cry, it hurt him so bad. Long story short. Will I, a grandparent, be out of place to talk to my daughter and or my son-in-law about how I feel about what happened or should I just let it pass over and pray for the best? Please help me because I haven't slept in two nights.

From: Yawyer, Atlanta

When you call her name she blurts out "what", when you correct her here recently she sticks out her tongue, if you try and get her attention she will ignore you until you call her name several times, if you try to get her to pick up her room she will either say "no I don't want to" or "you do it", if she doesn't get her way in public she acts out, if you are in public as I was the other night she turned to this woman and said "hey lady get out of the way", she constantly jumps on beds and sofas and I try and correct her and stop her and I think it makes him mad..............Of course when it is just her and I, I will not allow it but I feel when we are all together he gets upset with me for calling her down for doing some of these things. It is so discouraging and humiliating and when I try and talk to him, the grandfather, he says, "she's just a 4 year old". I do not agree with that. Children are a product of their raisings and my fear is if this keeps going on she is going to be totally out of control. I personally have never had children but I am the oldest of 7 and I have been around many many children and I know that this behavior is unacceptable. I am desperately seeking answers on how to make a difference in this little girl's life and and trying to convince my boyfriend aka the grandfather that the way she is acting is unacceptable and we need to get on the same page in trying to fix this and raise her and keeping it from tearing us apart.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to any advice you can offer.

From: Anita, Arlington, TX

My mother passed away over 17 years ago, and my father has since re-married a wonderful woman named "Ruth". I have a very good relationship with Ruth - we talk a few times a week on the phone, go shopping together and generally enjoy eachother's company.

When my daughter was born two years ago, I never hesitated in having her call my step-mother "Grandma Ruth". My daughter loves spending time with her Grandma Ruth and the two of them have developed a very special relationship that I'm sure will continue in the years to come, which I'm very happy about.

My question is, how and what do I say to explain the unique family circumstances to my daughter? She is just starting to understand families and the idea of parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins, and she loves to look at our family picture albums. I've shown her pictures of my mother and I refer to my mother as Grandma "Sally". So far, she hasn't raised the fact that she hasn't met Grandma Sally but I know that she will eventually ask me where Grandma Sally is and/or whether Grandma Ruth is my mommy.

How do I explain it all to her in an age appropriate manner? The lesson I'd like to convey is that good things (Having Grandma Ruth be part of her life) came come out of bad things (not meeting Grandma Sally). But I know someday I will have to explain the concept of death and dying to her, and I'd like to have a pre-school appropriate response so I am not caught off-guard.

Thanks, From: Motherless Daughter, Newton, MA

From: Teresa, Stockton, CA

It didn't work out. After about 3 months, everyone was miserable. My wife felt my mother was trying to dominate the children's lives. My mother thought my wife tried to partition her away from the rest of the family when she was home. I felt caught in the middle; both expected my loyalty; and I tried to avoid taking sides, which pleased nobody. My mother thought that meant I was "against" her. She said truly hateful things, especially when I asked her to cooperate with family rules--she was more permissive with grandchildren then with children or clients--perhaps I asked too much. This situation persisted for two years before my wife finally accepted a less lucrative, more family-friendly position in another state. My job let me transfer. We let it be known that we could no longer afford a full-time care provider (we paid her) and that the children would go to daycare.

My mother followed us to our new state and, in fact, lives about 3 miles away. She does not respect boundaries--at all. At first, she begged for what almost amounted to visitation rights to the children. I refused at first, thinking this absurd: but finally relented thinking it would buy peace. Wrong. She just kept asking for more. The situation grew even worse when my wife and I had a 3rd child. My mother was outraged and gave very unwelcome advice.

My family is mostly on my mother's side. I am close to them, but most family members think my wife is a cold woman who drove my mother away. My mother is a very good, generous person in many respects, and I don't want to try to "win." But, recently, she's been making it a competition. I agreed to let her take the children to the zoo; a cousin of mine and I started planning a long bike ride. My mother learned and promptly invited the cousin to the zoo. At family functions, my mother immediately takes the children away and makes my wife feel unwelcome.

It seems the most rational plan at this point would just be to discontinue contact. That would hurt, and I would regret it, but the situation is again untenable. Yet, I feel that the rest of my family, except a sister, would exclude me and my children. As I said, my mother inspires fierce loyalty and has made this a competition. She's also economically vulnerable, while we are affluent, so they feel us better able to cope.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my family. I want to have peace. But is there any way to achieve it? Sorry for the long question, but I've despaired of resolving this.

From: The WagnerAlternative, Coppell, Texas

I have a 4 1/2 year old little girl who has always had a great relationship with my father. He lives in NY and makes an effort to see her at least once a month. He comes to Boston to visit and we go down to NY to see him. I always felt that the two of them had a special connection. My daughter just adored him and the feeling was mutual.

Unfortunately about a year ago things changed. All of a sudden my daughter is very stand offish with my dad. She won't hug him, she barely says hello when he comes to visit. This started about the time that her little sister arrived. I don't feel my dad favors the little one or gives the new one any more attention than anyone else has. So, I am not sure if that is the issue. She has not changed with my mother-in law, in fact she is more affectionate with her lately. Could this be a gender thing? My dad's feelings are hurt, he has brought this up to me several times and I really don't know what to tell him.

What do you think?
From: What to tell Dad? Concord, MA

I have 2 small grandchildren that I love dearly.
Thanks
From: Joan, Sylmar, CA