Why do you need to say anything? It's important to your story -- but why would it matter to your kids? My twins know they were born with a c-section but not all the assisted reproductive technology that made them miracles. (If there were surrogacy or donations involved, that's another story). But every birth is a miracle in its own way.
I know of a couple who named their son "Jordan" after the country where he was conceived. That's way too much information for everyone . Unless you would share that sort of detail with your non-IVF child, you don't need to share intimate details of conception with your other child.

I'm with Joel. Our daughter was named Amelie as a sort of homage to the child we lost just before she was conceived whom we would have named Anjili. They are similar in sound, both are French and both are special to us. But why would I tell her that we didn't want to name her after a sister that was never, as your son puts it, "borned"?

Why does he HAVE to know the intricate details of his road to conception anyway? He's not adopted, donated, fostered or otherwise involved with other people outside you and your husband. He was carried in-utero and borned from you.

If you can't figure it out for yourself, there are plenty of child friendly books out there to help you out. It's not rocket science.

Wow I can't believe the responses to this question. My four year old just asked me today...for the second time this summer, "How are we made?" I am struggling for an age appropriate answer, (and hey....I checked out a book... "Dad"!!) and tried the vague, seemingly age appropriate response which was factual without getting too specific, and he was having NONE of that....He wants clarification...he wants an explanation.....
Rocket Science is easier.....

Always tell the truth, but make it age-appropriate and tell only the bare minimum. For example, 3-6 year olds know that babies come from "mama's belly". As they reach 7-9, tell them that babies come from the "birth canal".
Easier still: add the religious angle, that "God gives a baby to mommy and daddy" and leave out anything of a personal nature. Kids don't care, they just want to be involved. By 10-11, for most kids, it's time to spill the beans, but never personalize it with "your father and I" ... mention the actors as "man and woman", etc. Good luck !

My boy is 5...we did that whole route...didn't work out...went to key west...got off the hamster wheel...she relaxed (evidently) & we did get lucky on our own after getting home...."where babies come from"...he is 5...tell him the normal routine of mom's belly...he is a little kid...doesn't need to know about the doctor drug assist....if that is something that you want to share with him later in life, good for you....he may grow up, get married & never have a problem...if my kid farther down the line wants to know the in's & out's of what we went through to have him, that will be fine...he will probably have an issue in his own physical relationship...he will not be "5"...this is your issue...

Meaning no disrespect to you or your child, I believe should be no such thing as infertility treatment coverage as is mandated in Massachusetts. Unless there is a threat to someone's physcial well-being that results in infertility, I feel it is a lifestyle issue, not a medical issue. If people are unable to have a child with their genes, they do not die or are physicall impaired. And I have found that the infertility industry fraudulently uses this coverage to help women pay for the expensive medicines needed to do experimental egg freezing because they are the same medicines used to do IVF.. Why are we spending precious healthcare dollars in this way? Should we spend healthcare dollars to provide liposuction for cosmetic surgery because someone feels that doing such would make a big difference in their lives?

sanity123 -
not to take away from the OP -

infertility is a medical condition. a woman has parts specifically for reproducing. if they arent working the way they should - that needs medical attention.
if you couldnt hear out of your left ear - wouldnt you go to the doctor for treament. oh wait - like you said, you would die from not hearing. why spend the money for you to hear.

good grief

Sanity 123, you clearly have never lived with the agony of infertility ... the tentative hope, the heartbreak, multiple miscarriage, the stress on your life and marriage. I really hope you never experience that. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I would hope that you could find some knowledge on the topic and have some empathy toward those who are coping with infertility. It is, as kiki notes, a recognized medical condition that is often highly treatable. Thank goodness Massachusetts has mandated coverage. I owe my two beautiful children to the fertility specialists who worked with me and my husband for four years. And we could not have managed this if Massachusetts had not mandated coverage for infertility treatments.

"Should we spend healthcare dollars to provide liposuction for cosmetic surgery because someone feels that doing such would make a big difference in their lives?"

That would be more comparable to fertility treatment if it was "to provide cosmetic treatment because someone who wants to conceive currently can't since he or she is rejected by each and every potential sex partner because of his moobs, her flat chest, his balding head, her flabby arms, etc."

An absolutely fabulous book for the older-preschool/early-elementary set is 'It's Not the Stork" by Robie Harris. I bought the follow-on, "It's So Amazing" for my 9 year old this year. There's also "It's Perfectly Normal" for the middle-school set. Look through the book first - I'm sure they are not for everyone - but do consider it.

My 5 year old recently asked the same question - Where do babies come from? So I responded God made you. She looked at me and said "Did he make me out of Playdoh?"

My daughter is the result of fertility treatments and there isn't a day that goes by when I am not grateful for the advances in science and the mandates in coverage. My husband and I both work hard but are by no means well off, without that coverage we would not have a family. I wouldn't wish infertility on an enemy, it is a heartbreaking journey. I've had friends go through IVF and some never achieved their goal of having children. Even though they may have moved on in a sense, have all confirmed that there is always going to feel something is missing from their lives.

When my daughter is old enough I'll let her know there is nothing she was wanted just like every other baby and like many times in life you have to take different roads to get to the same destination.

Start simply with your son, like any 'traditionally' conceived child, and later if he shows an interest give him more information. Most kids just want a simple answer, it's us adults that get caught up in all of the details. Good luck!

I am a financial coordinator at an infertility clinic and deal with the MA mandate and ins companies every day. I have a feeling the Sanity123 is working for an insurance company right now.
Onto what the article was actually about, I have 3 children naturally and still have the same issues with "how are babies made" and even my 8 year old is stating she wishes she was grown up so she could have 12 babies. I did the same thing that cheesewhiz did, start out very general and then get more specific as they get older. They will not really care since it is one of the very many "why is the sky blue" questions they will ask. As for whether fertility treatment was used, at "5" the child really doesn't care and you do not need to tell until they are much older if you ever do.

Mommies are like some trees....trees bear fruit or flowers, and some Mommies, they bear babies!

I have 2 kids....one is 14, the other 11. Both are on this earth because of fertility procedures. Neither of them know that their conception was assisted by these procedures. Only when they are deep into adulthood will I tell them....and then, only to close the loop in case they need to know for some cause/effect issue that might come up over the medicines that were utilized.

Just a response to sanity 123...there are lots of things that are covered by insurance that if left untreated, you wouldn't necessarily die....an obese person gets gastric bypass surgery...is that a medical necessity or a lifestyle issue...weekend warriors get knee replacement surgery...is that a medical necessity or a lifestyle issue...torn rotator cuff, broken arm, tendonitis...all things that are unlikely to kill you, though they may cause pain...

sometimes people have things that are obviously broken and cause pain (like so many of the things i've mentioned above), and an evolved society would expect these things to be repaired...sometimes, you can have something that is broken that doesn't cause PHYSICAL pain, but it is no less worthy of medical attention...

one should pause to think about this kind of thing, and why it is nice to be a part of this society, before posting such a message

If you have a true medical condition that prevents pregnancy, then I believe there should be coverage for the cause of the condition. However, many assisted reproduction techniques are used because of age-related issues.

Deafness afflicts people in detrimental ways. They are at risk of greater injury (cannot hear horns for instance) and greatly affects quality of life. I truly feel for those people who are infertile, but most of these expensive IVF treatments are doled out to many women over 40. If you are over 40, your eggs are typically no longer viable based on nature alone, not a medical condition! Frequently these techniques are used for intentional single motherhood which I feel is a threat to the well-being of the resulting children.

No one said that you had a right to bear children. If you are lucky enough, great. If not, and you want children I suggest you adopt one of the very needy children in the custody of DCF. Every child is precious, not just the one resulting from your genes. I want to be a millionaire, but I don't have a right to it or to have others pay me so I can be. Your life may not be "perfect" but no one's is.

I personally know a woman who went to the premier infertility clinic in the area to have her eggs frozen and the insurance company paid many thousands of dollars to cover the drugs. Insurance companies should not be paying for this type of healthcare abuse using experimental techniques. I do not work for an insurance company but I welcome those in the industry to root this abuse of the system as it causes us to have higher healthcare costs.

I do mean no disrespect, but I also know that for older women who ultimately failed at having their "own", they may have been far better off emotionally by pursuing adoption as opposed to enriching the fertiility industrial complex which scoops in $10,000 a try on our dime with no guarantee. Talk about a racket!

Just wondering how sanity123 feels about smokers, people who have become obese as a result of over-eating and sedintary lifestyle, or anyone else who engages in lifestyle choices that could result in needing medical coverage... Throughout their lives, these people will require far more coverage from health insurance companies than those who maintain a healthy lifestyle and pay the same premiums. Perhaps sanity123 could let us know how we should live all aspects of our lives to bring down our health care costs, Obama could use your help with this one.

Sanity 123 - I truly hope you do not experience infertility if and when you decide you want a family. You might think differently if you did. Although maybe you have already had the fortune of parenthood and will never understand that hardship.

Everyone's insurance premiums are paying for other's issues. I may not suffer from the condition my co-worker does, but my premiums are certainly helping to pay for their issue. That is part of being in a group plan. One may need medications to handle a different 'lifestyle' issue than another. Virtually everything can be boiled down to a 'lifestyle' issue if you dissect it enough.

The clinics I have been involved with have been nothing but conservative, cautious and careful. There is always going to be someone who pushes the boundary no matter what the healthcare issue is, so it's a bit much to lump the whole issue with your single experience. I can understand wanting to do something about those who abuse the techniques, but to say that it shouldn't be covered at all isn't the right answer.

I was blessed (not guaranteed) with wonderful children. If I didn't have children, I would still be blessed. It is not that I don't love my children, I love them very much. My life would have been only a bit different as I would likely have adopted. My point is that age-related infertility should not be covered because it is NOT a medical illness. It is the fact that Mother Nature has shut down producing a sufficient number of healthy eggs. I have no problem with infertility treatments for younger women who do have an underlying medical problem that prevents them from conceiving.

I totally disagree that infertility clinics operate on a responsible basis. Allowing a 40 year old woman to spend over $10,000 to freeze her eggs in an experimental treatment is not responsible medicine. It is preying on peoples fears and insecurities. This was an "industry leading" clinic here in Boston who publicly in the Globe said that they don't advise women do this, but they were ready to take the money and provide the "service"!

On the point of smoking, yes non-smokers should be offered health insurance discounts. However, people do get physically addicted to nicotine and of course their legitimate medical needs should be covered.

Do we still diagree?

How could you possibly tell a 5 year old that two daddies or two mommies can create a baby? That is patently impossible last time I checked and disruptive to the child's understanding of nature. You can't fight biology, no matter how much your politics would like to.

I am amazed at how these questions go off on such tangents. Back to the posted question at hand... I also have an almost five year old who is asking me the same questions about where babies come from. I think simplicity is the key at this age. I tell my son simply that babies come from their mommy's belly. He says ok and runs to play with a toy or moves on to the next question like "Can I have a snack?" For a child at this age that isn't happy with that answer, you could give the age old response that I know my parents gave me numerous times... "I'll let you know when you're a little bit older!"

I have to say that I'm not shocked but I am irritated by the number of rude responses and how the discussion has veered off into the ethics of fertility treatment and how poster #22 decided to make it about gay marriage.

To answer the original question...it depends on the kid

I would argue that for 5 year olds the right answer would be "When two people want to have a child, one of the ways they can have a child is to have sex" and explain the whole penis/vagina and sperm/egg thing. There are kids who aren't ready for that discussion...but I think that's mostly coddling and discomfort on the part of the parents, along with living in a sex negative society.

Personally I would make a point of talking about how sometimes a mommy's body doesn't work "right" and a special doctor helps her to get pregnant, and to talk about adoption in a positive light.

By 8 or 9 my daughter will know that there was a miscarriage before her and that she would have had an older sibling.

To sanity123 - adopting a baby/toddler/young child costs between $30,000-$45,000 and the wait can be several years. It is very ignorant and hurtful of you to tell people who want to have children and can't without medical intervention that they should just adopt. Think about how your life would be without your children before you judge others. And how is adopting an older child or teenager in DCF with a host of issues that you may not be equipped to deal with equivalent to being able to raise a child from infancy?

Ummm, I think the original question was posed in a somewhat Tongue-in-Cheek manner. Can't believe people actually think she was planning to explain it like that. It was humor people, get it? The question was real, the delivery was apparently done with a bit of humor that most seem to have missed. God, I'd hate to share a joke with 80% of the people in this forum.

I feel that if you are not ready to deal with the issues that may come with an older child, that you might not be ready to parent at all. When have a child, you do not get perfection. There are plenty of children in the 3-8 year old range available for foster/adoption from DCF and there is NO cost. I've thought about my life and if I didn't have biological children, I would have adopted. Actually, think about it, you need less skills to adoptive parent on some level because you are not dealing with infancy. Your costs are too high on international baby adoption and I would argue it is less expensive than enless fertility treatments.

I would advise against informing children about the siblings that might have been until adulthood. Why do they need to know this? All it might do give them the insecurity that they may not have been enough? Who are you trying to help by telling them? Probably yourself....

I thank my lucky stars every day that people like "sanity123" don't make the rules. They are ignorant and are trying to pass judgment on something they know nothing about.

Sanity 123 - how lucky for you to be 'blessed' with your children. Think about how lucky you are before you pass judgement on how others are able to find their blessings. You didn't see your friends and loved ones start and complete their families while you couldn't for medical reasons, or experience the pain of losing over and over again. Even as someone who didn't start the fertility process late in life, I can imagine that as a person approaches 40 that clock starts really clanging in their ears.

"Unless there is a threat to someone's physcial well-being that results in infertility, I feel it is a lifestyle issue, not a medical issue. If people are unable to have a child with their genes, they do not die or are physicall impaired." Your original quote said nothing about age being a factor on why you felt there should be no mandatory coverage for infertility. Discarding the coverage across the board affects those who have medical barriers, not lifestyle choices.

The insurance companies do have limits. It is not an endless free-for-all. Those are very clearly defined to a patient when they start the process. Your one anecdote does not cover the entire profession accurately.

And the costs for adoption the previous poster wrote about are accurate. International is even more. It is a rare event that adoption costs are less than that, VERY RARE. And it's not fair to say someone is not prepared for parenthood if they don't feel confident in taking on the challenges of an older child. You were able to start out with an infant, and you had an opportunity to learn as they grew. That's how parenting naturally evolves. It's a whole different situation when you are parenting a child who has been in a traumatic situation or has special needs. Comparing the two is impossible.

Back to the original blog posting - I am still interested in what the original blogger decided to share with their child. It's an interesting topic, regardless of the method of conception. I think sanity 123 simply saw the word "clomid" in the title and thought it was a good forum for them to air their thoughts.

-

Regarding the original question..by late elementary/middle school most kids have heard of infertility or IVF. It's just something that comes up, and it's amazing what kids understand and accept. For a five year old, answer the question they are asking and no more (e.g. where do babies come from? Mom's belly). I am currently a gestational carrier and it's been a great jumping off point for my friends and me in explaining a bit of the birds and the bees (and the reproductive endocrinologists) to our kids. My kids are 11, 5 & 3 and the five-year-old has had the most questions. I explained that my friend had cancer so they had to take out the part of her belly where a baby grows, so she needed someone else to grow her babies. He needed to know what that part of her belly is called - he'll probably be the only kid in Kindergarten who knows what a uterus is!

My friends who have gone through fertility treatments seem to have just answered the questions in the same general, vague way that most of us do until it came down to details like "but how does the baby get INTO your belly?" and then you can bring up the different ways that it can happen.

I disagree with the thought of keeping fertility treatments a big secret - there are many ways to form a family these days, and what could be more wonderful than a child knowing (in an age-appropriate way, of course) that mom and dad wanted them so much that they were willing to go through hell and back for them even before they were born?

J - you are truly selfless in giving such a gift to your friend. I really respect your decision to do that, and I am positive your friend feels incredibly fortunate to have someone like you in her life.

There are many ways families come into being nowadays. It's wonderful what research has brought us. I feel so lucky to have been born during this time than years ago. If that had been the case, I would never have known the joy of parenthood.

I am sure that the blogger's son will be one of many children in his class who were conceived in a non-traditional manner. We're so lucky to have the technology to bring these dreams into reality.

I pass judgment on no one. I say if you want infertility treatments for age-related infertility it should be on that person's dime, PERIOD. Yes, older patients lose again and again in this game with the fertility clinics. As a result, there is a financial burden to society and even more importantly a huge emotional toll on the people involved. It is sad to say, but I think more people would think twice about that before embarking on the process if they had to put money on the table before rolling the dice. Of course, it is painful when you don't get what you want in life, but we as a society don't generally shoulder that burden, do we? I want to be a millionaire. Does that mean I should expect that society will give me a million bucks? Of course not.

All children have needs, whether they are adopted or not. No child is better than another or necessarily easier. A baby can be born with many physical, emotional or intellectual defects. Children conceived by older parents typically have more genetic defects. Why do you think autism is much more prevalent than it used to be? The average age of parents has been increasing steadily, largely due to the baby industrial complex that are fertility clinics. Even some of these techniques themselves increase the risks. Check out stats on ICSI.

By the way, DCF provides a training course for all adoptive parents and there are many other resources and supports for parents of adoptive older children. How much training are you required to have if you give birth? NONE! Just because you get a child at infancy doesn't mean that stage will be easy.

I just think that those who refuse to look at adoption when they have age-related infertility are likely stuck on realizing their perfect dream and are unable to let go of it. If they want to continue the dream in the face of long odds, they should do it on their own dime, not mine or yours. Our society needs parents for parentless children, not to spend valuable healthcare dollars to have a long shot at bringing another child into our world. How about providing financial incentives for foster and adoptive parenting of older children instead with those monies? Our society would be better off!

i don't recommend giving out more info than was requested. only if he keeps pushing ("but how does the sperm get into the egg?" or whatever), do you need to take the next step. if you are not careful you will be faced with a 5 year old who gives you a look of horror and says "that's disgusting. and where do you do that? in the bathroom?"
i speak from experience.

sanity123 - what on earth makes you think that age-related infertility is even covered by insurance companies? My husband worked for Harvard Pilgrim and the cut-off for coverage when he was there (which was several years ago) was age 42 - I think it is anywhere from 42-44 currently, depending on the plan, and the couple have to meet strict criteria to qualify as "presumably healthy" as well as infertile. A summary of Massachusetts law is below:
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This state's law requires health maintenance organizations and insurance companies that cover pregnancy-related benefits to cover medically necessary expenses of infertility diagnosis and treatment. The law defines infertility as "the condition of a presumably healthy individual who is unable to conceive or produce conception during a one-year period."

Benefits covered include:

Artificial insemination;
In vitro fertilization;
Gamete Intrafallopian Transfer;
Sperm, egg and/or inseminated egg retrieval, to the extent that those costs are not covered by the donor's insurer;
Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) for the treatment of male infertility; and
Zygote Intrafallopian Transfer (ZIFT).
Insurers may, but are not required, to cover experimental procedures, surrogacy, reversal of voluntary sterilization or cryopreservation of eggs. (Annotated Laws of Massachusetts, Chapters 175,§ 47H; 176A,§8K;176B,§4J; and l76G,§4, 211 CMR 37.00).
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It seems that you have the erroneous impression that infertility treatments are an insurance free-for-all. They're not. Many women who reach the "advanced maternal age" category didn't just wake up one day in their late 30's and decide to have a baby on the insurance company's dime. Most have tried naturally or using conservative forms of ART for YEARS before they get to the point where everyone involved agrees that IVF is the last hope. If you don't like the coverage laws in this state, lobby your representative to change them. Don't stalk blogs and disparage people who are merely taking advantage of the benefits that they pay for to correct a medical problem with a medical solution with your thoughtless and inflammatory comments.

It baffles me how some people can be so ignorant. sanity123, when you get a minute to walk in my shoes, and go to hell and back trying to conceive, then I might consider your opinion. In the meantime, it will be nice if you can follow the very old advice of: "Is better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you are an idiot than to open it and prove them right!"

And I am and adoptive mother by the way. Not even your thoughts on that are correct. Please, go back and learn something, about ART, the infertility mandate in MA (that should be a federal mandate BTW) AND adoption before spitting your hate and and completely off the mark remarks.