I could smack myself upside the head for every time I clucked at some stressed-out mom struggling with toilet training.

"Oh just relax. They'll do it when they're ready," was my well-broadcast mantra. Mostly because I relaxed, and Dennis did it when he was ready. Must be a foolproof plan, right?

But Lila hasn't read the memo.

And that's not because she can't read, or write, or solve simple algebraic equations. At age 3 years 7 months, she can do plenty of things, except use the potty.

Scratch that. She WON'T use the potty.

For the past year, I've had plenty of excuses for this too -- she's afraid of plumbing, it's a control/power thing, she's too little to feel secure on the seat. Blah, blah, blah.

Covertly, I was already dabbling in bribery -- M&Ms, ballet lessons, you name it. I even brought home a pink nail polish set. When Lila poops, her nails get pained pink! She clapped with glee at the prospect, but no potty action.

Last night, I just plain hit the wall. The wall of diapers. The nasty crunching sound of the Diaper Genie haunts my dreams. It's time for a change, and not of the Pampers variety.

Readers, please help me out. I need your advice. How do I potty train this child -- immediately? Share your ninja potty secrets in the comment section, or drop an email to enoonan@globe.com