The explicit celebrity photos scandal continues to unravel, with Reddit users looking pretty terrible and comedian Louis CK looking pretty brilliant. All of that plus gecko sex in space and a tasteless promotion from Malaysia Airlines today on BDC Now. Hell of a hump day, huh?
Today in Obvious: Police Say 9-Year-Old Called Uzi “Too Much”
The tragic story of a 9-year-old girl who accidentally shot and killed a shooting range instructor in Arizona took a bizarre and somewhat obvious turn when a police report released Tuesday said the girl called the Uzi she was firing “too much for her.” It doesn’t take a gun expert to know that, yes, of course it was. The death of 39-year-old instructor Charles Vacca is horrendous and in the immediate aftermath of the headlines detailing the shooting, the first question ought to have been, “What in the world was a 9-year-old doing with an Uzi submachine gun?” That a 9-year-old child is allowed to handle, let alone fire, a submachine gun is astounding. Now the Vacca family must deal with their loss and this little girl must find some way to recover from the unfortunate fact that she had a hand in a man’s death. This story has no winners.
Louis CK, Knower of All Things, Predicts Celebrity Cloud-tastrophe Back in 2012
If you haven’t gotten your seat on the Louis CK train, now is as good a time as any. The comedian has found his way into the coverage of the explicit celebrity photos leaked over the weekend thanks to a shockingly accurate 2012 prediction about the creepy, vulnerable nature of cloud server technology. “You don’t need your stuff. Just give it to us—we’ll keep it on the Cloud,” CK said in an appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, mimicking technology companies. “And you’re like ‘Really? But those are my pictures.’” Correction: they were your pictures. Once they’re in the cloud, they’re everyone’s pictures. Haven’t you all seen Sex Tape, the landmark piece of cinematic entertainment starring Cameron Diaz and Jason Segal? As Segel says, “Nobody understands the cloud!” Except Louis CK, that is.
Five Geckos Paid the Ultimate Price for the Benefit of Space-Sex Research
It seems safe to assume that gecko sex is not a field in which science invested a lot of time or money until recently. But on July 19, Russian researchers from the Institute of Biomedical Problems launched five brave gecko cosmonauts into space in the hopes of watching them do the deed in zero gravity. Watching lizards fornicate seems bad enough. But things got worse very quickly when the scientists lost control of the satellite just one week into the experiment. It took just over a month before the satellite came crashing to Earth, only to reveal that our voyagers had perished, most likely by freezing to death. Whatever those Russian scientists hoped to glean from this dirty lizard experiment, they’ll have to learn from the autopsies.
Malaysia Airlines is Not Making Things Easier on Itself
As bad as things were for Malaysia Airlines after the disappearance of MH370 and the fatal crash of MH17, the airline somehow found a way to make things worse. In an effort to entice travelers and promote their brand, Malaysia Airliners opened up a contest asking entrants to submit their “Ultimate Bucket List,” or in other words, the list of things they’d like to do before they die. The prize? One of 12 economy class airfares or one of four 16GB iPads. Here’s a pro tip: Go with the iPad. That’s not to say that Malaysia Airlines can’t get you from point A to point B safely, but it just doesn’t seem like a good idea to fly on an airline that thinks it’s appropriate to offer a Bucket List promotion in the same year that 537 people were killed on their flights.
For Antonin Scalia, Supreme Court Justice, Innocence and Guilt Seem Like Minor Details
On the list of general qualifications for a Supreme Court Justice, most people would probably include both a law degree and a certain wariness about saying people deserve to die when their conviction isn’t exactly flawless. Guess which one of those Justice Antonin Scalia has (Hint: He’s a big fan of the death penalty)? If you haven’t figured it out already, Scalia graduated from Harvard Law School in 1960 and once wrote that now-exonerated Henry Lee McCollum should envy a “quiet death by lethal injection” when compared to the horrendous rape and murder he was accused of committing. McCollum had been on death row for 12 years at that point, and other Justices already knew about flaws in his conviction. But that didn’t stop old Antonin from wishing him dead. Now 18 years later, McCollum is a free man thanks to DNA evidence and Scalia is just an important old guy in a black robe who’s a little too quick to call for a man’s death.
Are Reddit Users Worse Than Cancer? They Sure Seem to Think So
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “What would it take for a charitable organization to turn down more than $6,000 in donations?”, you’re about to get your answer. The Prostate Cancer Foundation is returning thousands in donations after discovering they were made as part of a joke surrounding actress Jennifer Lawrence’s recently stolen explicit photos. After the photos appeared online over the weekend, a group of Redditors who had seen the images donated to the PCF in the actress’s honor because (and there’s no way of putting this delicately) masturbation may help prevent prostate cancer. After learning of the returned donations, one user received a lot of positive feedback for commenting, “Guys, we’re literally worse than cancer.” You won’t find much argument here, especially after Reddit shared explicit images of McKayla Maroney that were allegedly taken while she was underage.
It Doesn’t Look Like Justin Bieber Has Any Plans to Stop Being Justin Bieber
When you’re a disgustingly wealthy 20-year-old who has demonstrated a propensity for poor judgment despite continued legal trouble, lessons learned can be hard to come by. That’s why we probably shouldn’t expect Justin Bieber’s latest arrest to change anything. Bieber was charged with dangerous driving and assault after his ATV collided with a minivan before the singer got into an altercation with one of the van’s passengers. Listen Canada, what exactly are you hoping to accomplish here? Bieber was released and doesn’t even have to go to his court hearing on September 29. He can just send a lawyer. Your country created this kid and yet you’re doing nothing to rein him in. This is your responsibility and frankly, your neighbors to the south are getting a little frustrated watching him get off easy on this stuff.