It’s spring. The sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, and the smell of spray tan is in the air. Oh yes—it’s “Bachelorette” time.
On Monday May 19, ABC will do the ultimate service for Andi Dorfman and procure her a husband, or at the very least a temporary but highly public engagement and lifetime access to a slate of D-list reality star events. Andi will meet 25 highly eligible men who are all certified STD-free and average out at around 4 percent body fat. And America, if you choose to take this journey with us, you get to meet them too.
It’s no secret that “The Bachelorette” is the ugly stepsister of its more popular iteration, “The Bachelor,” the original reality love show where one lucky man picks his intended from a small army of sparkly dress-clad women. Turns out parades of half-naked men are actually far less interesting to the majority-female viewership than parades of hysterical, backstabbing women.
However we think it’s time skeptics give our newest Bachelorette a real chance. So rally your girlfriends (or your boyfriend who secretly loves it) and your cock-eyed optimism that true love can be found in a matter of weeks on national television. Here are eight reasons this may be the best season yet.
1. More Juan Pablo bashing. ABC has taken out a social media hit on last season’s Bachelor, Juan Pablo, after he refused to play his part and fall in love (not to mention participated in some homophobic tweeting, slut shaming, and general behavior unbecoming of a Bachelor slash human being). Host Chris Harrison wielded the biggest pitchfork and you can bet he’s keeping it sharp for Andi’s season. After all, her claim to fame and resulting Bachelorette gig are all due to her telling off Juan Pablo post-Fantasy Suite (she was one of the final 3 contestants on his season). Expect a reunion of the We Hate Juan Pablo Club for at least the first four episodes.
2. Feisty is the word of the season. Andi is one feisty lady. We know this less from her behavior and more because ABC keeps telling us she is. (And who wouldn’t trust the network that brought us feisty Cristina Yang and even feistier Olivia Pope?) The last Bachelorette, Desiree Harstock, was limper than a wet noodle, which led to a whole lot of tears and her almost quitting the show. Andi promises to show a lot more backbone.
3. And the men will love it. Our contenders will not be intimidated by Andi’s “whip smart” inelligence, career orientation, and sassy attitude. America will learn the very important lesson that men do like smart women. As long as they’re pretty. And have already stated in their pre-taped intro package that career is not their top priority.
4. Add reasons 2 and 3 together and you get … the reality TV version of female empowerment. There are two types of Bachelorettes: the ones that do the picking (see Emily Maynard), and the ones that have to wait to get picked (see Desiree, Ashley Hebert). We predict feisty (there’s that word again) Andi will wield the power and have the men fighting for her. Lean in baby, lean in.
5. Pecs and abs for days. One thing you can always count on in Bachelorette world: scene upon scene of crazy-cut men lounging around without shirts. Think date on the beach, date in the pool, date in the hot tub, date where man’s shirt accidentally catches fire and needs to be removed for safety reasons...
6. Hilarious belaboring of the lawyer theme. This season’s Bachelorette not only has a college degree but a gen-u-ine law degree. ADA Andi Dorman will ruthlessly prosecute all candidates but only one will be found guilty… of being her soulmate. But seriously, Andi actually is a real-life Casey Novak. According to ABC’s website, Andi earned her JD from Wake Forest in 2012 and has been “prosecuting criminals ever since.” Of course, she started filming for her Bachelor season in September 2013 so according to our math, Andi’s career as a lawyer has lasted about as long as a Costco-sized jar of peanut butter. Still, expect the lawyer motif to be used liberally, including via a total bastardization of what a lawyer does for a living. We are thinking sexy mock courtroom dates, maybe even a crime scene investigation. And don’t forget the promo where they show her at the shooting range. Whaaa?
7. Hysterics. Don’t let all this talk about Andi having a real job make you think we won’t get our typical Bachelorette drama. Until she got it together and kicked Juan Pablo to the curb, Andi had her moments of indecision and insecurity. We’ll still get our expected dose of crying, wringing of hands, and tearful declarations that “this was a really hard decision.”
8. You might even see a happily ever after. “The Bachelorette” has a higher long-term success rate than “The Bachelor.” Of 18 Bachelor seasons, we have seen two marriages including Sean Lowe (who shall also be known as The Best Bachelor of All Time) and, if we want to be generous, Jason Mesnick, who married runner-up Molly Malaney after dumping winner Melissa Rycroft on “After The Final Rose.” Now if we wanted to be unbelievably generous we could also include Juan Pablo and his “friend” who he “likes a lot” Nikki, for a total success rate of 16.7 percent. In contrast, of 9 Bachelorette seasons, a full one-third of final matches are still going strong, including still-engaged Desiree and Chris, married Ashley H. and JP, and Bachelor franchise golden couple Trista and Ryan Sutter. So Andi, we’re rooting for you to get your happy ending.
Tune in on Monday, May 19 at 9:30 p.m. EST for “The Bachelorette” season premiere on ABC. Stay tuned Tuesday morning for our scouting report of Andi’s new men and the season to come.