It’s day one of our two-day “Bachelorette”-fest! Four full hours of fun with Andi and company. Is ABC trying to kill us?
This week, Andi, who according to Chris Harrison “likes what she sees,” packs her bags and heads for sunny Santa Barbara. Lucky date winners will make the road trip to meet up with her.
The First One-on-One Date
The first solo date goes to Nick V. (now our only Nick), who hasn’t spent much time with Andi since he scored the first impression rose. Nick says he’s hesitant about the process: “I don’t know her, she doesn’t know me. Let’s be honest, what are the chances this works out?” Yes, everything he says is true. But the man has also clearly read “The Rules” and knows how to play hard to get. And it’s totally working: within minutes, Andi resolves to “make him a believer.” They go for a biking/hiking/picnic combo, and then end the night with a romantic dinner. Nick admits to having a pretty big “crush” on Andi and nabs the rose plus a sexy balcony kiss.
The Group Date
Next, we climb into our time machine and head back to 1994 for an appearance by R&B icons and stars of our 7th-grade fantasies: Boyz II Men. And Andi--bless her heart--is geeking out as bad as we are. Our 12 lucky daters are split into two teams. Dressed in adorable blazers are Andrew, Marquel, Pat, Bradley, Marcus, and Eric. Cody, Brian, Tasos, Josh, Ron, and Brett get sweet v-necks and bow-ties. Yes, it’s blazers versus sweaters in a epic battle of who can make sweet, sweet musical love to Andi better.
Bradley won’t shut up about his opera career and ruins “I’ll Make Love to You” by refusing to let a single episode elapse without going all Don Giovanni in Andi’s face. Actually, the whole performance of the super sexy ballad is a train wreck. Ain’t no one making babies to the “Bachelorette” cover of this song.
Later at the drinks reception, Andi pretends to confront Cody over rumors that he has a girlfriend at home. Cody is flattered that Andi would take the time to prank him, and even more flattered that she thinks it’s plausible someone else might want to date him. Eric worries about his connection with Andi since it’s been a while since their date and she’s kissed 3 of his roommates since then.
Make that 4. Hot Marcus, who doesn’t seem to know he’s hot, shyly asks Andi for a smooch. Ask and you shall receive, Marcus. His time in Andi’s glow is brief though, because mere seconds later (at least in TV time), she’s on to kissing Josh. Hope she used some Listerine strips in between the two. Josh must have the better skills because he scores the group date rose. And just like that, Hot Marcus is now Sad Marcus.
The Second One-on-One Date
Pantsapreneur JJ nabs the next date. His latest pants-related business venture? Getting into Andi’s. Badum-bum. The time machine is still in operation, but now the DeLorean’s destination is set to 50 years in the future. Make-up artists turn Andi and JJ into surprisingly adorable septuagenarians for the day to confuse unsuspecting park- dwellers and learn if “love is timeless.” It’s the test of a truly long-term relationship: seeing if they’ll still need and feed each other when they’re 64 and Andi’s boobs are saggy (which they inevitably will be if she keeps choosing dresses that cannot accommodate a bra). According to JJ’s bio, he went to Williams College and Stanford Business School, so he’s kind of a smartie despite the stupid job title. JJ is “the most fun person” Andi has ever dated and this gets him the rose and a few tongue-free pecks.
The Final Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
At the cocktail party, Nick has flowers and a letter delivered to Andi while poor Eric is trying to have a moment with her. (Eric: “I just got cock-blocked by a bouquet.”) This is two rose ceremonies and two notes for Nick. Someone is uncomfortable with oral communication.
Meanwhile, JJ, the brains, confides to Josh, the muscle, that Andrew got a hostess’s phone number the other day and then bragged about it. This is not okay. The pair decide to form a posse and round up ‘dem cheaters! They confront Andrew and he gets defensive, claiming the girl forced her digits on him. Verdict: guilty.
There’s no time to alert Andi to Andrew’s bad deeds, and two other men ultimately take the ride of shame in the rejection limo. The fat lady has sung for opera singer Bradley, who failed to impress Andi with his vocal talents or anything else. Also headed out is someone named Brett who purports to have been on the show for the past 3 episodes. A likely story, Brett. Ron, the sales manager who had potential but we didn’t get to know, had to leave earlier in the episode when he learned that a friend had passed away.
The lucky 13 who move on to the next episode are: early rose winners Nick, Josh, and JJ plus Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan, and Andrew.
Post-Show Power Rankings
1. Josh’s stock continues to rise (he moves up from #3 last week) nabbing a serious make-out session and the group-date rose. He also looked pretty damn cute in his boy band chic. Mmm, Josh. Swipe right, methinks.
2. JJ makes his first appearance in the rankings, shining in the most awkward of date situations. Not sure he and Andi have the va-va-voom chemistry but he’s gonna be a keeper for some lucky lady.
3. We get both nerdy and skeezy vibes from Nick, but Andi seems to be falling for it so he stays on the list.
4. Hot Marcus cracks the top 5 again because, well, he’s Hot Marcus. His well- deserved title change to Sad Marcus is going to become permanent, however, if he can’t tone down the earnestness.
5. Whoever is still single in Boyz II Men definitely makes the list. They’re charming, make hilarious faces, and can still bring down the house with their old-school jams. Andi, please do consider.
Can’t say we’ll miss any of Andi’s departing suitors. But the cuts are sure to start hurting next episode when the pool narrows to 11. Don’t forget to watch what happens tonight, Monday, at 8 p.m., on night 2 of our “Bachelorette” double-header!