By Barbara Meltz and Linda Matchan, Globe Staff, 9/12/2001

As children struggle to understand what happened, they may want to know, ''How could someone do this?'' Here's Fred Rogers's answer: ''There are some people in this world who are very angry and they haven't learned how to live with people they don't agree with. That's one of the greatest things a person can do, learn to live peaceably with his or her neighbor, even when they disagree.''

Children whose families are personally touched by the disaster or who have experienced previous loss may have more intense and longer-lasting reactions. If disruptions to behavior patterns (sleeping, eating, or physical complaints such as headaches or stomachaches) last more than two weeks or escalate quickly, seek professional help.

In the weeks and months to come, any changes in behavior or mood may be the result of a bad thought associated with Sept. 11. Children may not be able to make the connection and it's not necessary that you do it for them, except to say, ''I wonder if you think about the World Trade Center. I do.'' Then see where the conversation goes.

Remind children that there are far more caring people in the world than mean ones and that they can be among them by sending condolences and drawings to grieving families.

Check with your school and ask to be updated on follow-up discussions. This is important not only in elementary grades but also in middle and high school; existential and political questions will be raised. You need some clues as to how they are being answered.

A child, troubled or anxious before this happened, may not want to go to school. While it's reasonable to keep him or her home for a day, assuming you're home, more than that could contribute to school phobia. Ask what your child is afraid of; enlist the help of the principal or school psychologist; look for compromises: ''How about if I go into the school with you?''

Counter issues of racism immediately and head on.

Give accurate factual information.

Expect to see some anger in a teen. Counter it with hope: ''I can understand your anger, but revenge is not the way we deal with it. There may have to be some changes in this country, like with airport security, but I'm confident our nation will figure this out.''

We are powerful models for our children. When they see us get on with our lives, they will, too.

This story ran on page G1 of the Boston Globe on 9/12/2001. Copyright 2001 Globe Newspaper Company.