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How to cope with the insecurities of a co-worker

By Linda Lerner, Globe Correspondent, 8/1/04

Last month my boss hired a trainee right out of college to work in our department. She is young, not only in age but also in her level of maturity. She is the daughter of a friend of my boss and he has known her since she was born. The problem is that she is clinging to me, always asking questions and looking over my shoulder and trying to see what I am doing. She wants to go to lunch with me and waits at my desk when she sees me getting ready to leave at lunch time. She joined the same health club I belong to near the office. I cannot escape from her. I have been with the company for three and a half years and now I no longer want to come to work. My boss says she is only a kid and that I should help her learn the ropes. I am thinking of quitting because I find her so suffocating.

Do you have any thoughts on how I might deal with this person before I am forced to find a new position?

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There are a few things you can do to improve your situation before you take a drastic step such as resigning. Begin by informing her that you need to go to lunch alone and will not be able to meet her.

Whether you go on errands, meet a different person for lunch, or choose to exercise, it is your own way of managing your work life. Make a clear and direct statement of this fact. You may need to script this and even practice to make sure it is stated unequivocally.

To provide this trainee with the instruction she needs and to answer her questions, schedule a 45-minute session each day at the same time. Tell her she must write down all her questions and bring them to you at that time. She should also supply you with any work product she is concerned about or wants to have reviewed at that same time.

During these daily sessions include general office etiquette tips such as getting to know different people in the company and not imposing on any one person.

Inform her that the nature of your work does not tolerate interruptions. Be kind but strong, saying that she may not realize it but these frequent breaks in your concentration create problems and delays in your work.

Suggest that she see your boss or another staff member for pressing questions outside of your committed time together. Introduce her to other people in the department and in the company.

In other words, take the monkey off your back and put it on hers.

You have accepted this problem as your own and are behaving as if you ''own it,'' but in reality you don't. What you really have now is a choice of how to deal with the situation.

Inform your boss of your plan so he will support it if she complains to him. Also, let your boss know how high the stakes are. Tell him you are thinking of transferring or leaving the company because of this situation and emphasize that you now need his help. Keep in mind that he might have told her to rely on you in the first place.

Be consistent and keep to the rules you set. For example, do not respond to questions unless asked within the designated time frame and do not chat with her at the fitness center beyond a normal greeting.

After a while she will either find a more welcoming cohort or simply figure out how to get her own job done without intruding on others. If you liked your job before her arrival, there should be a way to recapture your previous pattern of work.

One last recommendation: read books and articles on parenting and raising responsible children. I have found the books on this subject to be very helpful when working with or supervising immature people no matter what their age.

Unwind in order to leave work at the office

I am a supervisor of a small department with seven people and a very heavy workload. I cannot leave my work behind when I leave the office. When I arrive home I am still thinking of work and don't seem to be able to stop. I have great difficulty sleeping because I go over my projects in my mind and keep reviewing ways to address things. I end up feeling tired in the morning even before I get dressed for work because I can't sleep. Do you have any suggestions for me?

The two basic things we need most to be productive in our jobs are adequate sleep and adequate hydration. Drinking a lot of water and getting a good night's sleep really matter. People who think too much about their work are often struggling with existing personality traits such as being a perfectionist. The other common sleep thief is not having enough to do to fill your life outside of work.

People who struggle with one or both of these issues often find they have had them for a long time and that they will take them to their new job when they move on to one. So take a hard look at possible patterns in your work life that, over time, lead to a stress level that results in loss of sleep.

Here is a list of relaxation techniques that may help to break the pattern. I consulted with Liz Hahn, clinical director of KGA Inc., an employee assistance company, for her ideas on relaxation and sleep.

Hahn says that in our busy, stressful lives we often neglect to take care of our most important resource -- ourselves. ''We look over our 'to do' list and find that we aren't even on it,'' she says. ''And yet an investment in ourselves will help us handle all those other 'to dos.'''

She suggests a ''thought stopping'' technique to cut off excessive worry. ''Simply tell yourself that you are going to stop thinking about this topic and replace it with a more pleasurable one. Keep interrupting your thought pattern and excessive worry in order to break the repetitive cycle,'' says Hahn.

Also, use the next two weeks to select and try at least two of the following relaxation activities. After you find a favorite that works for you, turn it into a habit by practicing the technique daily.

• Read something gentle or inspirational before you go to bed. Read for at least 15 minutes in a quiet place. Do not listen to the news while you are reading or select a book in your field of work.
   
• If possible, do not take work home. People who lug a heavy attaché case home every night tend to spend more time worrying about what they need to do with it than actually doing the work. The unopened case gets brought back to work and the pattern repeats itself. If you do actually work at home, avoid working in your bedroom.
   
• Listen to calming music. Lie down with your eyes closed for at least 15 minutes. Music can soothe your mind and lower your heart rate and blood pressure and thereby lull you to sleep. Getting into the rhythm can also take your mind away from thoughts of work.
   
• Set out comfortable clothes before you leave for work to change into as soon as you get home. Relax when you get home before opening the mail, checking the answering machine, and turning on your computer.
   
• Write in a journal every day. Whether it is a free stream of words or writing about a specific issue, it is important not to censor your thoughts. This process of writing freely, even for just a few minutes a day, frees you up to relax. It also provides a different outlet for you to deal with work issues other than during sleeping hours.
   
• Do some form of physical exercise. A brisk daily walk or other exercise will help you get a better night's sleep. Exercise can also result in creative thinking about your job because it takes you out of the pattern of going over the same situation repeatedly.

If none of these suggestions are helpful to you then see your doctor. Sleeplessness can be a symptom of an underlying illness. Between 9 and 17 percent of adults experience ongoing difficulties with sleep and the numbers increase as we age. There are several clinics for sleep disorders at Boston's teaching hospitals that can be good resources for continuing problems.

There are several informative websites, including www.healthysleeping.com. Good luck.

Need advice about managing your career or workplace? Our specialists can help. E-mail questions to ; fax to 617-929-3183; or mail to Job Doc, The Boston Globe, P.O. Box 55819, Boston, MA 02205-5819.

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