Wedding bells ring, but the boss chimes in
By Monica L. Williams, 1/22/06
I don't want my boss to attend my wedding. That's saying a lot, given he's insisting on an invitation to my April nuptials. Actually, he's my boss's boss, which further complicates the matter.
In the five months since my fiancé proposed, I've spent way too many hours poring over books, magazines, and websites on all things wedding etiquette. Topping the list: The Guest List. According to the etiquette "experts" and other brides-to-be, contemporary rules dictate I should invite the big boss as well as his wife. I should also invite my boss, whom he supervises. My relationship with the big boss is complex: He hired me, mentored me, and opened the doors of his home when I first moved to town a year ago from Boston. And while I enjoy a good working relationship with him, having him at my wedding, the most momentous occasion of my life, is another story.
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It's not that I don't like the big boss. (OK, so maybe our relationship needs work.) But even if our relationship were perfect, I still wouldn't invite him: Including him means snubbing my direct supervisor, right? (She's a sensitive one.) If I invite him, I have to invite her.
I've explained to the big boss — more than once — that plans for my wedding are modest. My fiancé and I want an intimate gathering of 50 people, mostly family members and close friends. A guest list of 50 means about 25 spaces should be reserved for those who are nearest and dearest to me; my fiancé will invite 20 to 25 of his people. (Even my closest friends will have to stay home.) But that explanation doesn't cut it for the big boss. When I told him that seating will be limited, he instructed me on how to diplomatically tell my boss, who works for him, that she could not come: Take her to lunch at a fancy restaurant, tell her you can invite only 20 to 25 relatives, and while you'd love to have her there, space doesn't permit.
Didn't he get what he was saying? Apparently not. "I don't know what you're going to do," he told me one afternoon in his office. "But I know that I'd better get an invitation. Figure it out."
A few weeks ago, I ran into his wife, a woman whose company I enjoy. She mentioned how excited she was about attending my wedding. So inviting him means inviting her. But there's not enough room at the inn — and not enough dough.
Because my fiancé and I decided to limit our guest list, we splurged a little on the essentials: filet mignon with salmon for dinner, an exchange of vows at one of the grandest facilities in town, a fragrant and generous array of exotic flowers and handmade chocolate truffles as favors.
We wanted a simple, yet elegant affair for our families. But the expense of the dinner, the favors, and the hall made us question whether we wanted to spend hundreds to include an additional person or two or three. We're 36 and 45 — at our age, the responsibility for footing the wedding tab is all ours. And, inviting Big Boss means two — or three — family members or close friends won't be at the shindig.
I myself am a boss. Jennifer, one of the women I supervise, is getting married in August. While Jen and I have an amiable relationship, I wouldn't expect — or demand — an invitation to her wedding. Of course, she's getting married more than 500 miles away (smart girl). My motivation for a smaller wedding was to avoid the emotional meltdowns that often crop up in the engagement period. My fiancé and I decided early on to invite only people who really love us. Besides, was it really that vital for everyone — especially bosses — to attend an hourlong ceremony to hear us say "I do?"
But, the week leading to my engagement party, the host asked: Aren't you going to invite Big Boss? Invite him, my best friend encouraged. No, said my father. Consider your career, my mother nudged. I asked other blissful brides-to-be, but their advice ran the gamut from absolutely no to absolutely yes.
In the end, I nixed inviting him to the engagement party, but fretted over my decision. Would he find out? Would he feel slighted? I feared most that inviting the Big Boss would drive a wedge between me and my boss. The big issue for my fiancé and me is whether a wedding invite — or the lack of one — could hurt our careers.
Both of us are managers. And for the most part, both of us like our jobs. While we both are open to other opportunities, we have no immediate plans to jump ship.
We're both aware that in most companies, talent and merit are not enough. My fiancé was recently promoted to the number two position at a nonprofit organization, where he's worked for three years. While he has the respect of his colleagues, his reports, the community, and the agency's board of directors, his relationship with his boss has, until recently, been distant. He's not inviting her. His reason? Politics in nonprofits are a lot more relaxed. But I work for a larger, for-profit organization, where politics seem to matter. In corporate America, politics is about power — and power is sometimes measured in interesting ways. My relationship with my boss can make or break my career. Perhaps there's reason for my cubical angst: my industry right now is rapidly hemorrhaging jobs, customers, and morale.
I also recall the company holiday bash, held on a Saturday night at the boss's home. Several people skipped the party, and on Monday several people were cornered in the elevator or called into a manager's office to ask why they didn't attend.
Tying the knot means making some tough decisions — both at home and on the job. In fact, maybe this is the first big work-family balance decision of my new life as a spouse. So it's best to get off on the right foot: family wins out. Three other people from work— including my colleague who introduced me to my fiancé — are invited to the wedding.
Otherwise, my Big Day will be boss-free.
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