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This is the reason worker productivity is down
By Mary Cresse, 5/22/05
They say you don't know a person until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Well, I say you don't know a company until you've sat in its workers' cubicles. As a freelance writer and editor, I've been a guest in many a cube, and I now know why our economy at times seems to be faltering.
No one is doing any work.
The corporate sloths seem to think the wall of fabric that surrounds their desks shields them from scrutiny. Maybe it's because I'm occupying a cubicle they're accustomed to seeing vacant, but over the years, in my role as contract worker and invisible woman, I've seen people do the following at their desks: burn incense, have sex, mix martinis, change a baby's diaper, breast-feed, play the electronic piano, and carve a jack o' lantern — activities that magically cease upon the appearance of the supervisor, who usually sweeps by and says, ''Keep up the good work.''
Boss gone, the worker then resumes sock-darning or iPod fiddling. Oh, and did I mention that these activities are accompanied by IMing or talking on the phone? Once when I was working for a computer magazine I actually stopped editing a highly literary article (''C:\WINDOWS\SMARTDRV.EXE 2038 512'' hmm, where to put the comma?) to transcribe what the woman in the next cubicle was saying:
''... I get off the train every night and pick up Chinese food and a bottle of red wine on the way home ... and sit in front of the VCR because I have no life. I can tell you I have no life, right, because you have no life, too? We're best friends, right, we both have no lives? ... no, I didn't mean that! You do too have a life, I didn't mean it that way! I'm your friend! I'm sorry!''
In Boston, San Francisco, and New York, I have held contract or freelance writing and editorial positions. I might work at a news magazine from Wednesday to Saturday to close the issue, fill in for the arts editor at a daily newspaper while he goes on paternity leave, or edit the annual report for a wealth management company (I also write fiction).
Why do I continue to do it? Because in addition to serving my career indecision, pernicious sloth fascinates me. I'm concerned about what's going on in the nooks and crannies of the mind.
I also used to wonder whether employers knew or cared about their employees' indolence. Now I know the answer: They do, and they don't care. Why? Because useless people are useful. Having a completely useless employee means that you, as the boss, are completely free to do whatever you want, sans censure.
Useless workers are also useful in that, should you screw up, you can pass the blame. Also, if you have any Machiavellian tendencies, you can work them out with these people. Now let's say you have a cousin who needs a job. You are the manager of a department. Would you play up a lazy charge's shiftlessness to get your relative a job? No, you say, no one could be as mean as that. Oh, really? Consider the case of a former co-worker. This was her average day:
- 9:34 am. Arrive at work 34 minutes late.
- 9:35-10:15 Discuss personal health problems with receptionist.
- 10:15-10:16 Do actual work.
- 10:17-10:31. Fill candy dish in front of desk with Bazooka bubble gum. Read Bazooka Joe comic out loud. Laugh.
- 10:31-12:30. E-mail boss with a manufactured concern to prove presence at desk.
- 12:30-1:30. Go to lunch. Discuss personal health problems with cafeteria cashier.
- 1:30-4 p.m. Surf Bon Jovi sites marked as Favorites on Web menu.
- 4 p.m.-4:10 Refill now-empty dish with Bazooka gum.
- 4:37 p.m. Leave early, citing health problems.
One day I was approached by this woman's boss to track her mistakes. I was told that if I marked every one of them I would be in prime position for her job. The boss did this apparently supposing that I wanted the job, that I would actually do such a thing, and that, were I hired, I would be so stupid as to think she would not have someone else tracking my mistakes. I told her I thought the matter was despicable, that if there is no integrity in the workplace there is nothing, and how did I know I was not being set up?
''Do it anyway,'' she said. ''It'll be fun.''
''Oh, all right,'' I said.
In the end the employee was not fired. To the boss's credit, however, she did act on the situation. Usually, management is loath to do a thing. This, I suspect, is related to litigiousness. Nowadays, one must prove a worker is useless. It's not enough that a person is pouring Bazooka gum into a dish.
One must catch it on the security camera and confront the employee in a legal setting to prove that the consumption of Bazooka is detrimental to one's work. I can see it all now: The gum woman will threaten to sue; the company will hire mediators to dissuade her from doing so; candy industry consultants will be called in; everyone will meet in the conference room, where sane discussion will disintegrate into candy industry people throwing gumballs at the nutritionists hired to contest their views. In the end, it will be decided that the woman should be allowed to chew her gum and keep her job.
Come to think of it, that's exactly what happened.
All is not lost, however. It's testimony to the strength of the American work ethic that companies remain in business. Somewhere, someone is balancing a spreadsheet.
Somewhere, someone is hiring candy consultants. Companies can and do produce goods and services every single day. Business goes on. How, you ask?
Why, that's what freelancers are for.
LIFE AT WORK:
BostonWorks seeks contributors for the weekly "View from the Cube" essay, relaying work experiences from the employee's viewpoint. Interested?
Contact the Globe.
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