With its bullies, cliques, rules, office
resembles 6th grade
By Chelsea Lowe, Globe Correspondent, 5/25/03
As I worked on another newspaper article, I found myself gravitating toward the computer's toolbar for a quick word count. Four hundred twenty-three words. Halfway there, I thought. It felt eerily like writing a grade-school book report. One hundred words, counted by hand: sixty-one, sixty-two....
Nothing, of course, replicates childhood more than working for others. Each of us feels like a kid trying to please parents, outshine whiny siblings, and put one over on the teachers. We're supposed to be doing homework or office work, but often sit at our desks instead, looking busy while playing computer solitaire or other games. We still have to turn in reports and sometimes put them off till the last minute.
Most of us want to avoid getting picked on by the other kids, who may have bigger offices or live in nicer towns.
You keep an eye out for bullies, braggarts, and obnoxious jerks and, later, discuss them over dinner.
Some of us may even fake a temperature to stay home and watch TV (one way to get out of turning in projects that need one more day). Or play hooky and go to the beach.
In the morning, we rush through a glass of juice and bowl of cereal (maybe some sugary affair our mothers wouldn't let us have when Reagan - or Carter or Garfield - was in office) and head off, perhaps to the bus or the carpool. I wonder: do the tough customers still sit at the back of city buses, the better to make mischief, unseen?
We eat lunch in cafeterias, or bring something from home. Maybe even sneak snacks when the boss isn't looking. The cool kids - seniors, maybe - go out for lunch. Small cliques still gather outside or in the bathrooms to smoke on the sly. Alcohol is not allowed, but you hear stories. Showing up drunk, of course, is not a badge of honor at this stage; it's the sign of a problem.
What are performance reviews if not report cards? What's a bonus or incentive pay (or a mention in the company newsletter) if not a gold star?
Don't departments resemble classrooms? How much do office health facilities differ from gym class? (Well, they're optional, thank goodness.) How many companies play softball against other companies?
Aren't interviews within the organization another way of trying out for the team? And what do we worry about before an interview? Hair, clothes, skin. Will he like me?
People still express interest in who's dating whom. Whispers about pregnancy go around. (''At her age?'')
Romances once forbidden by parents now may be prohibited by company policy. You'll see tantrums - lots of them - illicit substance use and rule-breaking.
One still looks forward to field trips or even movies to break up the routine. We worry about getting into trouble with the boss. (Is that a dirty look? Does she think I broke the computer? It was Martin. I saw him. He was sneaking a snack over the keyboard.) When something very serious is happening in the world, we may get to watch TV.
There's still homework. Often, for instance, employers have asked me to keep up with current events - something I don't care for, to be honest. News, usually, is distressing.
Worries about rivals, scrappers, and authority figures still torment us in our free time. We dream about these people and get stomachaches thinking about them on the way home, even if we no longer expect physical beatings. And even though we know we shouldn't, we end up forming cliques, excluding some of the other kids and, you might say, telling stories out of school.
Then as now, we wait for the weekend to practice outside interests: crafts projects, sports, art, play rehearsals, or ''band'' practice, which could just as likely mean ''rock.''
One can get suspended - or expelled - from work or school. In some workplaces (automotive shops, for instance), you can freely and loudly use words that would earn you time in the corner in nursery school. (I should know, having been kicked out of pre-K for endlessly repeating the meaningless syllables my friend Ralph liked to say on the bus.) In either place, serious misbehavior will probably be noted in, yes, your permanent record.
Promotions, by and large, happen individually, not en masse like clockwork each September. ''Summer vacation'' now means, ''a vacation that takes place sometime during the summer,'' and not ''a vacation that lasts all summer.'' Time off might involve a family trip or even camp of some kind, but you don't need new clothes for the work year. If you've outgrown this year's wardrobe, there's actually a chance you may fit into those garments again.
Offices don't have PTAs, but might have unions. No nap time per se, but I've seen some tired workers get creative. (One boss with a young child used to turn off the lights in her office sometimes, shut the door, and catch a short snooze on the carpeted floor.) No ''open office'' nights to worry about or notes to take home. But, after a disagreement with the boss, you might return to your co-workers muttering about how he singles you out for mistreatment. Although you probably wouldn't blurt out, ''No fair!''
You wouldn't get sent to the principal, but every organization has a higher authority: the personnel department, often. You won't find plants growing in cut-off milk cartons or petri dishes, but if you looked into the communal refrigerators in some offices, you'd notice signs of life to rival any science experiment.
You might replace a boss, but wouldn't be that likely to replace your teacher, however well you'd learned the subject. And now, when you don't know the word for something, it's usually because you've forgotten it.
The larger the corporation, usually, the more similarities to school. The big outfits are where you find nurses and infirmaries, and you may need notes to explain absences. There may be a class trip to Europe, the tropics or our nation's capital. Tests may even be required to get the job or to advance. Once there, you might have to take some classes you don't like. (In Microsoft Excel, for instance.)
E-mails have replaced note passing. No more art or music class, but you might take a computer graphics course or listen to a CD on your computer.
Changing jobs frequently is probably easier than changing schools often, and, with any luck, involves more of a choice on your part.
Some young people come home to empty houses, as do some office workers. Others arrive at homes full of children, noise and activity. Some kids enjoy learning. Many others dislike school and complain about it. Sound familiar?
The resemblance between working lives and childhood ends (for the most part) when the day does.
We grow into adults again, preparing meals for ourselves and our families. Unlike kids, we get mail - often bills and rejections. We make our own doctor's appointments and get parking tickets. In traffic, most adults flip the bird rather than stick out a tongue. (I'm in the minority. It's more fun to stick out your tongue.)
Maybe you think that when you're in charge, you'll be the nicest mom or boss or teacher ever. You'll outgrow it. One thousand five hundred ninety-eight words. But who's counting?
Chelsea Lowe can be reached at chelsealowe@yahoo.com.
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