Recognizing warning signs that you're becoming a bureaucrat

By Dale Dauten | April 2, 2006

''There are few situations in life that cannot be resolved promptly, and to the satisfaction of all concerned, by either suicide, a bag of gold or thrusting the despised antagonist over a precipice on a dark night." -- Ernest Bramah

Has anyone ever made this career decision: ''I'm going to be a bureaucrat!"? Or, has any executive ever awakened with this revelation: ''I know what I'll do -- I'll hire some bureaucrats, and that will make everything work more smoothly!"?

What got me thinking about bureaucracies was hearing from Michael Manes, a consultant in New Iberia, La. He sent me a copy of a letter from his local paper that began, ''I recently discussed with 10 friends my wife's 'less than pleasant' driver's license renewal experience with the Iberia Office of Motor Vehicles. I was surprised to discover that four of these 10 individuals had suffered through similar 'nightmares.' They collectively smiled and said, 'Go to the Abbeville office; it's more user-friendly.' "

I've never been to the Office of Motor Vehicles in Abbeville, but hey, a toast to them. They don't have to be good at what they do, but it seems that, nevertheless, they are. In fact, being good at what they do clearly creates work for them, as competence is a beacon. Maybe their service is just a fluke of location or budgeting, but let's hope they have people who have decided that providing good service is a more rewarding worklife than living in an energy system that Dennis Miller compared, upon visiting a post office, to ''underwater tai chi." Let us praise all those who are good without having to be, all the world's neverthelessers.

Michael wrote to me because he's started a website about his experiences (www.theomvexperience.com) and wanted to include a column of mine, one dim in my memory because it's a decade old. He told me the column asked the question, ''Who put the 'rat' in 'bureaucrat'?" and included a test of how to tell if you're a bureaucrat.

Finding the column, I immediately realized we need that test now more than ever -- you could be a bureaucrat (or the industrial version, a corpo-crat) and never know it. So here is a new, updated version of:

THE 20 WARNING SIGNS YOU ARE IN DANGER OF BECOMING A BUREAUCRAT

1. You actually believe that the more employee rules you have, the fewer employee problems.

2. You know your exact retirement date even though it's more than five years away.

3. You boast that you wouldn't make an exception to the rules ''for God Himself."

4. You know more employees than customers.

5. You keep a copy of your job description handy for defensive purposes.

6. You could call a policy manual a ''tool" and no one would laugh.

7. You have to fill out a reorder form to get more reorder forms.

8. You worry that your department might come in under budget.

9. Co-workers could set their watches by your morning trip to the restroom -- and what you do on that trip is your most satisfying accomplishment of the day.

10. You are too busy to experiment.

11. You would never compliment a co-worker without thinking through the consequences.

12. You have memorized a list of rules for ''casual day" dress.

13. You get suspicious when you hear laughter at work.

14. You avoid making decisions because it might get you noticed.

15. You consider completing requisition forms an ''art."

16. You find yourself looking forward to meetings.

17. Let's skip this one.

18. It bothers you that we skipped the previous one.

19. You organize every workday around leaving on time.

20. You find yourself agreeing with the statement, ''Work isn't supposed to be fun -- that's why they call it WORK, stupid!"

SCORING: If you're actually looking for a score to tell you if you have a problem, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!