More parents unready to let go

They are networking furiously, sending out resumes, calling career experts -- on their grown children's behalf.

Helicopter parents aren't hanging back just because their college kids are facing the ultimate launch pad, the hunt for a first career-building job. Super-involved parents are treating the job search as a team effort, every step of the way. It's a strategy that has its pluses, but can also backfire, even making the job hunt harder for the grad.

"There's often a third person in the room that you have to deal with," says Meri Cayem, one of three career counselors at Simmons College. "Five years ago, you might hear from one parent a year. Now we all hear from parents."

Recently, a father called Cayem multiple times, seeking a resume-building campus job for his daughter. He cajoled Cayem into searching postings and setting up an interview for the student, who wasn't being aggressive enough for her dad's tastes. Another student was fooled into visiting career services by her uncle, who told her -- erroneously -- that she had an appointment with a counselor, says Cayem.

Sure, high-octane parenting isn't new. But we seem to be heading into an age when the norm is a rapidly rising level of parental involvement from cradle to grave -- the parent's that is. Parents worry about everything from predators to parties, and many especially fear that their children won't succeed in a highly competitive, complicated world.

"You want to be front and center helping to advocate for your child and making sure your child gets the best of everything, but at what point do you step back and let the child advocate for himself?" asks Maria Stein , director of career services at Northeastern University and a mother of children ages 15, 12, and 5. "Traditionally, college has been that point."

Molly Simpson , a Northeastern senior and business major, hasn't heard of the term "helicopter parent," but she describes her mother, retired lawyer Alice Weiss , as "very hands-on" and "very involved" in her life and current job search. So far, many of Simpson's informational interviews have come from her mother's network.

"She'll call me randomly, 'here's this person, call them and talk to them,' " says Simpson, who wants to work in the political strategy field. "I'm not really expecting her to do this. But on the same page, I'm so grateful that she is, because it makes things so much easier."

Her mother says making connections on her daughter's behalf comes naturally. When she hears about a useful contact, she takes note. It's a little something she can do for Molly, and to remain connected to her as she comes to terms with Molly's independence.

"As you let go, it's easier to let go with doing something" for your child, Weiss said.

Simpson adds that her mother respects her freedom. "Sometimes she'll question decisions that I make, and I'll say, 'Mom, this is my life,' " says Simpson, adding that some of her friends' parents call every day and pressure their children to get high marks. "I manage my life very independently of my mom," says Simpson.

So how do you know when you are crossing the line from support to smothering? What are the signs that your parents should take a back seat in your life?

Doing it for them -- It's fine to learn what campus career services has to offer, but parents shouldn't be the ones contacting interviewers or recruiters. Nowadays, many parents are trying to fix problems for their offspring rather than letting them learn from experience. "Give your children the tools to do it, just don't do it for them," says Stacey Veden, director of recruiting operations for Marriott International Inc., who sometimes gets calls from parents wondering why their children didn't get a job or internship.

Pushing your agenda -- Finding your passion is as important as finding a job, since no one thrives when they are miserable. Pushing your darling into law when they want to teach school will backfire. For starters, they likely won't shine in interviews, which are especially important when a candidate lacks experience, says New York-based executive recruiter Carly Drum . At one young client's request, Drum recently told his parents to stop pushing accounting and let him pursue his dream job in media. A little more starting pay isn't worth a miserable son, she gently counseled.

Parents mean well when they jump in to help, but fighting children's battles and buffering them from life's knocks risks nurturing adults who lack resilience and initiative. The goal is to "learn step by step how to make good choices," says Los Angeles psychologist Wendy Mogel , author of the best-selling parenting book, "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee."

"If the parents are carrying the kids' frontal lobes on their shoulders, the kids don't need to learn these things," says Mogel. "What I always say to parents is if you are giving your kids appropriate freedom, it will feel like neglect in our culture. You're salmon swimming against the tide."

Balancing Acts appears every other week. Maggie Jackson can be reached at maggie.jackson@att.net.