Firing can be the offense

‘‘I met a new girl at a barbecue. A very pretty blond girl, I think. I don’t know for sure. Her hair was on fire. All she talked about was herself. ‘‘I’m on fire!’’ You know the type. ‘‘Help me! Put me out!’’ Come on, can we talk about me a little bit? !— Gary Shandling

Recently I asked the executives here where I work, Mundane Industries, for their thoughts on firing employees:

Gerald ‘‘Genghis’’ Cone, CEO: ‘‘Nobody gets ‘fired’ anymore; no, they get ‘laid-off.’ Pah. Where’s the fun in that? You have to go around pretending it has nothing to do with the individual. Not only does that take the creativity out of the process, the employee doesn’t learn anything.The great actor John Barrymore used to say that his biggest regret from his years working in theater was that he couldn’t sit in the audience and watch himself. Well my biggest regret in getting rid of people is that I don’t get to hold a mirror up to them and say: ‘Look at that! Who wants to work with that?’ A good firing used to be a learning experience; now it’s the ugly sister of a legal proceeding.’’

Winslow ‘‘Win-Win’’ Cheeseley, EVP of HR: ‘‘I earned my nickname by making every experience good for all involved. When it comes to having to let people go, I try to keep it lighthearted. I want them to leave smiling. So I’ve come up with a series of ‘It could be worse ......’ statements. I’m collecting them to go into a little book for HR people. For example, I’ll say to someone being laid off, ‘It could be worse: Imagine if you were a Keebler elf; now that’s a hard gig to replace.’ And the resentment goes out of their faces and they chuckle. It’s like the sun coming through the clouds.’’

Roger ‘‘Donut Not the Hole’’ Sturgeoni, VP of sales: ‘‘Every salesperson loves a challenge, so I go into their office and I say: ‘Bob, I have a new challenge for you. I want you to find a better job. And when you do, I want you to call me and tell me how happy you are. And that’s when I’ll ask you, ‘‘Do they need a new VP of sales?’’ and we’ll have a laugh together.’ Then I get up and leave and later they’ll say to the other salespeople, ‘I think I just got fired, but I’m not sure.’ And they’ll respond: ‘Yeah, that’s how Roger does it. You’re fired.’ And you know what? Most of them call and tell me about the better job, and I ask about the VP opening and we laugh. That’s when I tell them, ‘No I’m serious’ and well ..... I’m still here.’’

What got me thinking about firings was reading a book called ‘‘A Survival Guide to Managing Employees From Hell’’ by Gini Graham Scott. It has thoughtful advice, built around case studies, but some of the conclusions galled me. Take, for instance, the example of nurse ‘‘Vivian’’ who was ‘‘beloved by her patients’’ and was rewarded with a promotion to supervisor. This move was said to ‘‘unleash the inner prima donna.’’

While she was treating her staff with the same kindness she showed to her patients, she wasn’t writing up management reports or updating protocols, just doing summaries. Then, when her boss left on vacation, and left her a hospital credit card, she used it to take various staff members to lunch, calling it ‘‘her treat.’’ All of this ‘‘outraged’’ her boss, who ‘‘quietly called her into his office at the end of her shift, explained the circumstances, told her she would be getting two weeks pay, and asked her to leave at once.’’ The author offered this as a logical and reasonable solution. My reaction was, as I hope yours was, too: ‘‘What a moron!’’

Why didn’t the boss help her evolve into the new supervisory job? He couldn’t. He couldn’t train her to be a great manager because he clearly didn’t know how, proving it by giving up on a right-minded rookie supervisor, and worse, losing a great nurse. He probably went home the night he fired her feeling good about himself, thinking that he had solved the problem and done so decisively, even courageously. He proudly learned the wrong lesson.

So ‘‘Genghis’’ is more right than he thought. It isn’t just that with most firings the employee doesn’t get to see what went wrong; but, also, that the boss doesn’t get to see what might have gone right. The people on both sides ended up paying for the class but never got to meet the teacher.

Dale Dauten is a syndicated columnist. He can be reached at dale@dauten.com.