A true pro can 'yes' an innovation to death
"Most of our executives make very sound decisions. The trouble is that most of them have turned out not to have been right."
-- Donald Bullock
"This is Dick Enberg, alongside Dick Vitale. While we have a moment, let's fill you in on one of the up-and-coming sports -- competitive bureaucracy -- which last night had its season finale, the Montgomery Ward National Bureaucrats Bowl."
VITALE: "There are still people who say this isn't a sport, but nobody would say that who was at the finals, ba-BEEEE! It was tense. But not for the defending champ, no siree -- she was ice."
ENBERG: "You're referring to Miriam Snella of Nope, Fla., who was the first woman champion and has become the Tiger Woods of bureaucracy."
VITALE: "The fans call her Miriam the Mortician -- work goes in but never comes out."
ENBERG: "For our viewers who don't follow 'cratting,' the nickname for bureaucrat competitions, it's like verbal soccer, where the goal is to keep from making a decision or commitment."
VITALE: "Old-school bureaucracy was about saying no. The motto back then was "Management isn't what you know, it's what you no." Then, along came Robert 'Don't Call Me Bob' Illstum. He was one of the great ones. He ruled the '90s. He used to say, 'When your back is against the wall, blame the wall.' He transformed the sport, a master of the stall."
ENBERG: "He ushered in what was considered the 'modern bureaucrat,' the decisive nondecider. But then the sport was transformed yet again by Miriam the Mortician. Her style, which The
VITALE: "You gotta love her. She'll 'yes' any innovation to death."
ENBERG: "So, to summarize, we have old school, which is no-no; modern, which is maybe-maybe-if; and postmodern, yes-yes-when."
VITALE: "I love the yes-yes-when. Miriam calls her style 'the conditional positional terrifical.' She'll say: 'Great idea! We'll try it as soon as . . . " As. Soon. As. That's her genius. You think she's an ally of your plan, and sayonora, off to the Mortician."
ENBERG: "This year's finals were the first where we had two postmoderns going up against each other. Up against the champ was the upstart from New Jersey, Kenny 'Hold That Thought' Holden."
VITALE: "He was disqualified last year for using mind-enhancing drugs -- another case of elevated fish-oil counts. Holden denied it and asked for a hearing, which the committee took under review and has never decided. Hey, these are bureaucrats, no? Meanwhile, this year was his first trip to the Big Cubicle, and it showed when he tried for an early score by saying to Miriam, 'Let's be reasonable -- you believe in compromise, don't you?' And she deflected him effortlessly: 'Is the time right for compromise?' "
ENBERG: "And the questions-as-answers were flying. Holden tried repeatedly to get the champ to make a decision. She'd say to him, 'I'm all for it,' then, just as the crowd sucked in its collective breath thinking she was going to commit herself, she would add, 'Just as soon as we can get it through legal, and a safety review from engineering -- not to mention getting the input of human resources and marketing, followed by some focus groups and then a confirming market-research survey.' "
ENBERG: "The match really turned at the 2-hour-and-11-minute mark, when Holden tried yet again for a yes-or-no, and she employed her classic line, 'Isn't this too important to rush into?' Oh my!"
VITALE: "And before the challenger could gather himself, she finished him off with, 'I think you need to send me a memo outlining where you can find the budget to fund a study of the problem.' Memo? Budget? Study? In one sentence? That's the trifecta! And that was it for Holden."
ENBERG: "Except for an awkward final moment."
VITALE: "The folks from Disney had it worked out where they asked her what she was going to do next. She said to them, 'I haven't had the chance to think about it.' She still had on her game face. Even when he persisted and said, 'What about Disneyland?' she replied, 'That's a wonderful option -- one of many.' Now, that's cratting, ba-BEEE!"
Dale Dauten is a syndicated columnist. He can be reached at dale@dauten.com. 
