A primer on the 21st-century nanny

It's likely the most difficult and important hiring decision that you'll ever make -- but don't let that scare you.

Finding a good nanny is part soul-searching, part diplomacy, almost always gut-wrenching, and often a matter of just plain luck. But if you can secure and afford, at $15 to $20 an hour and up, a modern-day Mary Poppins, you've found a child-care solution that combines love, stability, and flexibility, a heady combination for any working parent.

Nannies are still the gold standard of child care, even while they are both idealized as fairy godmothers and feared as potential baby-shakers, a la Louise Woodward, the British nanny convicted in 1997 of involuntary manslaughter in the death of her charge. Nannies are no longer the jet set, nor are they exactly commonplace. Just about 4 percent of the country's 18.5 million preschoolers are in their care, according to government data that leaves out the many families who pay off the books. Nannies are becoming mainstream, and yet we don't quite know what to make of their place in our lives.

"This is an area where the health and well-being of a defenseless person -- the one you care most about in the world -- is hanging in the balance potentially," says Lucy Kaylin, a magazine editor who authored "The Perfect Stranger: The Truth About Mothers and Nannies," one of a handful of books that state that they offer the "truth" about mothers and nannies. "That's what ties mothers up in knots."

Yes, mothers. Because new moms tend to cut down on work hours or step out of the job market for a time, they usually become the household manager, in charge of play dates, checkups, and child care. Nannies are mostly women, so employing one is a woman-to-woman thing, with more layers than a birthday cake.

"These relationships are so perplexing because it's nearly impossible to make peace with them," warn Susan Davis and Gina Hyams, the editors of the gripping anthology, "Searching for Mary Poppins: Women Write About the Relationship Between Mothers and Nannies." This is the relationship that keeps working moms "awake at night," Jessika Auerbach writes in her informative book, "And Nanny Makes Three: Mothers and Nannies Tell the Truth about Work, Love, Money and Each Other."

These are daunting pronouncements, and, in fact, these books are scorching. There are stories of nannies who drink on the job or say they're going on a "trip" and quit without even a goodbye, moms who spy on the caregiver, and parents who pull nannies into their ugly custody battles. Since many nannies are immigrants, problems of race and class also arise. It's good, however, that these secrets and issues are being aired. Even the Mary Poppins story had its share of tensions.

But there are happy endings. A home-based work relationship involving child-rearing is naturally complex, yet for the same reasons can be filled with the kind of love and family spirit you don't see much of in an office. My family still keeps in touch with many of our nannies, and two are truly extended family.

Soul-searching: So, how do you find a nanny? First, be sure you and your family are comfortable with your decision to work. Otherwise, your ambivalence might tarnish your relations with the caregiver. Next, know your family -- its style, needs, schedule -- so that you can look for someone who fits your home.

"Figure out what words you have to use to describe what works in your family," advises Brenda Jarrell, a Boston lawyer whose three children, ages 10, 8, and 6, and five dogs are cared for 35 to 45 hours a week by the family's third nanny, Jenna Ciaramaglia.

Jarrell wanted someone who's upbeat and easygoing, more than she wanted a strict disciplinarian. "What's paramount is that they enjoy my children and pay attention to them, rather than feed them broccoli at 7 o'clock," says Jarrell, whose husband, Kevin, is a biotechnology executive.

Net or not?: Next, decide what route to take. In hiring three nannies in a decade, Jarrell used three different sources -- a newspaper ad, an Internet-based caregiver database, and, most recently, a Brookline agency, Parents in a Pinch. Local agencies charge between $3,000 and $4,000 in placement fees, but you get prescreened candidates. Internet sites offer plentiful candidates but no guarantee they are who they say they are.

"It's another form of computer dating," said Davida Manon, the director of Parents in a Pinch, which offers backup care and nanny placement. "It puts the onus on parents to do a very good background check." Last year, the agency began offering NannyCheck, a service of a la carte background checks -- $150 for basic, $475 for deluxe -- for those who handle the search themselves.

The interview: After you've carefully checked out a candidate's work history and several references, prepare for the interview. Armed with penetrating questions and a sharp eye, you can learn a lot about a candidate's character, background, and work style. Manon suggests asking "scenario" questions, such as, "What would you do if the child didn't eat the lunch you prepared?" or "How would you handle a child who doesn't share his toys?" Intuition plays a big role in this hiring process, yet homework is crucial.

NEXT: Nannies and moms reveal the secrets of working together.

Maggie Jackson, author of "What's Happening to Home: Balancing Work, Life, and Refuge in the Information Age," can be reached at Maggie.Jackson@att.net.