To end gossip: Stop sharing juicy items

Q. I work in an emergency room with co-workers who gossip constantly. I unfortunately have been sucked into their world of gossip and want to break this habit. What would be the first best step without hurting the feelings of my co-workers?

A.S., St. Paul

A. The first step in breaking your involvement in the gossip sessions is to stop gossiping yourself. You can't control what others do but you can control what you do. At the very least, if you're part of a lunch group that is gossiping, you can break your own pattern of involvement by not adding your comments to the conversation and by not repeating what you heard to others in the office.

You can take a more proactive approach by trying to change the conversation: "Mary, would you mind if I ask you something? I know this is changing the subject but I wanted to hear more about your vacation on Lake Champlain because we're thinking of renting a cabin on a lake in Vermont. Did you have a good time and how did you find your cabin?" Asking a question is important because it forces Mary to talk about her trip rather than the person she is gossiping about. Before you sit down to lunch with the gossipers, think of a couple of ideas that you can use to change the topic of conversation. That way you'll be ready when the gossiping starts.

What doesn't work and would be a mistake is to tell Mary, in front of her friends, that you don't like her gossiping and you think she should stop doing it. Mary will react negatively to being attacked in front of others and her response will be about the attack and not about her gossiping.

If you address Mary's gossiping with her, you should do so in private. Let her know you are talking to her because the gossiping makes you uncomfortable and not because she is a bad person for doing it. "Mary, I wanted to talk to you about something that is making me uncomfortable. I don't know if you've noticed, but sometimes conversations at lunch about co-workers become pretty negative. I really enjoy your company and was hoping you could help me keep the conversations away from gossip."

Interestingly, managers are starting to crack down on gossip. A recent TheLadders.com survey of managers found that 69.7 percent of them would be willing to fire an employee for bad office manners. Excessive workplace gossip was one of the bad manners cited in the survey. The fact is that gossip is an insidious evil in the workplace. And, as you've seen, it is easy to get sucked into participating.

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