In business settings, whoever gets to the door first should hold it open

Q. My girlfriend and I disagree on how a man is to open a door. The doors involved swing away as we move through the door and reclose on their own. I believe I should walk through the door first, hold the door while she walks through, and then follow. She believes that I should approach the door first, push the door open with one arm, and leave room for her to pass through first. The problem with her approach is the door is often heavy. In addition, because it is designed to close automatically, it requires more strength to hold the door open with her approach.

R.G., Honolulu

A. In business situations, the aim is to be gender-neutral, so whoever gets to the door first should hold it for others. In social situations, it's a courtesy for a man to hold a door for a woman he's escorting. The issue isn't whether you should reach out and hold the door as she passes through in front of you, or if you should go through first.

You are correct: Some doors may be too heavy or difficult to open just by pushing with your arm. The issue is: Actions without words often lead to misunderstandings. The act of making the effort is important, but the key is to communicate your intentions as you approach the door both with your body language and your voice. As you approach it, say, "Darlene, let me get the door for you." That alerts her that you are conscious of the situation and will be doing something. Then, move quickly to step in front of her, and either push the door open and hold it with your arm for her to pass through in front of you, or step through the doorway and then step to the side as you hold the door for her to follow you through. The nice thing about stepping through is you can continue to hold the door for another person who may be right behind you and then easily join Darlene again.

Peter Post is the great-grandson of manners guru Emily Post and is the director of the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt.

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