Tone matters. And e-mail writers often underestimate the tone of their writing. When you talk on the phone, the other person hears inflection and other clues that help transmit the tone of your words. When you speak face-to-face with a person, he has the visual clues from facial expressions and body language to help understand the tone. What can be said sarcastically in person, and understood as joking, can seem rude when just the words are on the screen.

Studies show that if you write something you think is positive in tone, the recipient will think it is neutral. And when you write a message that you think is neutral in tone, the recipient takes it as negative.

So, what do you do when writing a difficult e-mail or responding to someone who has been rude? How do you protect your messages from being interpreted negatively?

First, control the urge to hit the send button immediately. Let it simmer for a few minutes and then reread it to see if you need to tone it down.

Second, read it out loud. Not silently. When you read it out loud, you will hear the tone your words are conveying.

Third, ask someone you trust to read the e-mail before sending it. More than once, I’ve printed out a copy of an e-mail and asked a colleague to read it to make sure I wasn’t inadvertently being negative or rude. Often it comes back to me with suggested edits that most likely saved me from sending a message with a tone I really didn’t want to convey.

Finally, if you don’t think your e-mail is hitting the right note or the issue is a complicated one, consider picking up the phone or setting up a meeting.

E-mail is a great business communication tool especially for who, what, when, and where. Save the why for in-person or phone conversation. Like any technology, it’s not the tool that’s rude, but how it’s used.

E-mail questions about business etiquette to etiquetteatwork@emilypost.com.