One of my favorite questions during my seminars involves paying the bill at a business lunch or dinner, specifically: What should a woman do when she invites a man to a business meal and the wait staff hands the check to her male guest at the end of the meal?

Very frustrating. Playing tug of war with her guest for the check is not the image she wants to leave with him . Since, she did the inviting she knows she is expected to do the paying, and she wants to do it.

She could say to her guest, “Tom, please, I’ll take care of the check. I invited you to lunch today. I insist.” Hopefully, her confident tone and her words will be enough to convince Tom to relinquish the check. If he insists on paying, she may be stuck, and her best course of action is to graciously appreciate his generosity.

Better yet, she will do herself a favor by not letting the situation ever get to the point where the wait staff can foul up her plans by giving the check to her male guest.

• She could discreetly let the maître d’ or the waitperson know ahead of time or when they are being seated that the check should be given to her at the end of the meal.

• She could give her credit card to the manager ahead of time and ask to have the check plus twenty percent for the tip be charged to the card. She can sign the charge slip and get her card at the end of the meal. (Of course this assumes she knows the restaurant well enough to feel comfortable giving them her card ahead of time.)

• She can excuse herself to the restroom a few minutes before the end of the meal, give her card to the waitperson who will process the check and the tip, and have the slip ready for her signature as she returns from the restroom. The beauty of this scenario is that no check ever comes to the table. She has fulfilled her obligation as host, the meal is paid for unobtrusively, and her focus can be on her guest as the meal draws to a close.

This advice is equally applicable to men. Arrange for the payment of the bill in such a way that it never shows up at the table. Keep your attention on your guest without the distraction of having to figure the tip and sign the slip.

Q: When writing a resignation letter should I list where I'm going to work? If I don't list it and they ask, am I obligated to tell them? I am returning to my former employer. I left my former employer on great terms and only because they weren't sure our contract would be renewed and I was facing a possible layoff. Thank you.

A: Offering your resignation in writing is a professional courtesy. I strongly recommend writing a letter of resignation to your company and providing at least two weeks notice. In some roles, a longer notice period may be appropriate.

Your letter should be addressed to your manager and some employees will also copy Human Resources. It is a good idea to verbally communicate your intent to leave the company directly to your manager in a private, confidential way. Then, you can provide your written notice of resignation. Even further, it is always helpful to create a transition plan so when you leave, it is bit less chaotic.

You have no obligation to tell your company where you are going although certainly you will be asked by someone: your manager, co-workers, vendors or clients. I think it is fine to explain it as you state it in your question. “I am returning to ABC. I left on great terms and I really enjoyed my role there. The commute was a breeze too, only 10 minutes in the morning.” Most of your colleagues will understand and wish you well.

You want to ensure that you depart on positive terms. Yes, returning to your former employer might be a very good move for you but you also want to avoid creating havoc with your departure. You want to speak about your current employer, manager, workplace and colleagues in the most positive way possible. Some day, you might be working with some of these people again. It is a very small world.

I often hear people say on their outgoing work voice mail messages, “I will call you back at my earliest convenience.” It rubs me the wrong way. I think the intention is to convey “as soon as I can.” But with the word choice “convenience,” it conveys more of “when I’m ready without regard to your needs.” Am I being persnickety? I would really appreciate knowing your thoughts. Thank you.

J. L., Farmington, CT

Merriam Webster Dictionary online defines persnickety this way:

a: fussy about small details : fastidious a persnickety teacher

b : having the characteristics of a snob

While I don’t think your reaction is snobbish, I do think it could be characterized as focused on small details.

Many of the etiquette questions I receive are really issues in which one person is frustrated by another person’s idiosyncrasies or when misunderstandings mushroom into big issues because people don’t know what is actually meant by the words being used. Your situation is a perfect example.

“At my earliest convenience” probably isn’t the best word choice. I think you are right that it conveys a message of “when I’m ready regardless of your needs.” But I doubt that the writer meant it in an intentionally demeaning, derogatory or selfish way. It was probably just the automatic obverse to “Please call me back at your earliest convenience.” So I recommend assigning it the meaning “I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” It’ll become one less small detail to distract you.

Bottom line: In business it becomes very important to decide which issues you are going to bring up and which ones you are going to let slide. Certainly, taking everyone to task for every small thing they do that you don’t like isn’t the way to build good work relationships. If we did hold people accountable for all those small annoyances, we would quickly become known as “the Complainer.”

The workplace is a perfect environment for letting small details escalate into big problems. After all, you’re at work eight hours a day, five days a week, fifty weeks of the year. You probably spend more waking time at work than you do with your significant other and/or family or friends. You’re meant to get along with people you really might not want to associate with and who do lots of little things that annoy you, like leaving a voice mail message saying “at my convenience.” When it happens next, and it will, it’s okay to be frustrated. Just remember it’s also okay to let it go.

Q: For the first time in two years, I won't be reading your chat on Monday. I wanted to share what landed me my new great job: my thank you note to one of the individuals with whom I interviewed. In my note, I committed to helping the company achieve one of its most important goals. For some reason, that commitment totally sold them on me. So my advice to job hunters is never underestimate the power of the thank you note.

A: When I read your submission to the Job Doc column, I had to read and re-read it again. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t ignore or miss a question.

After I read it several times, I wanted to do a dance in my office. After my urge to dance subsided, I wanted to stand on my chair and yell “I told you so people, I told you so!” I decided both responses were a little too juvenile but I should share with you that I thought long and hard about doing both.

Thank you for sharing your experience and your success. Thank you notes are critically important to a job search. They can “make it or break it” for a job seeker. You are living proof.

Even if a colleague, a contact or someone has spent time with you, a thank you note should be sent or emailed. Even if you have been rejected and turned down, a thank you note should be sent. Several job seekers have recently shared with me a common interview experience. The job seeker is a finalist but ultimately another candidate receives the offer. Although sometimes incredibly disappointed, the candidate sends a thank you note and maintains a relationship with the recruiter. Weeks or months pass and the recruiter contacts them for another opportunity. Finally, the job seeker receives an offer.

I truly appreciate you sharing your experience. Thank you for writing. Best of luck in your new role!

Recently I was asked by a young male seminar participant, “I’ve got an interview with an advertising agency next week. What do I wear?”

The reality is most job interviews are a competition. It’s not just how you look, act and express yourself that matters, it’s how you look, act and express yourself in comparison to the other candidates that matters.

If you apply to a dot com business where everyone is in jeans and a t-shirt and you show up in a suit, you don’t look like you belong. Conversely, if you apply to a private investment bank where business formal is the norm and you show up in khakis and a golf shirt or even a button-down shirt with no tie, you may have significantly hurt your chance for the job before you answered the first question.

My advice? Dress one notch up. Find out what the people who work at that agency wear to work and then kick it up a notch. If they wear golf shirts and khakis, you wear a button-down shirt, no tie, slacks, and maybe even a jacket or blazer. Your goal is to look like you fit in.

During the twenty years I owned an advertising agency, I interviewed dozens of job candidates. I was amazed by the people who came in for an interview dressed inappropriately. Most were dressed too casually, and many displayed body language that was unprofessional, like slouching in the chair or not being able to look me or other staff in the eye as we talked. I couldn’t help but wonder: If that’s how they dress and act for the interview, how are they going to dress and act when meeting clients or prospects when they represent my business and me?

So, how do you find out how people at that business dress? If possible, try visiting the day or two before your interview. Introduce yourself to the receptionist, and take a moment to observe how people are dressed. In addition, check with the receptionist or assistant to confirm the name, spelling and pronunciation of the person or people you’ll be meeting with. If you do it correctly and your competitor doesn’t, you’ve got a leg up.

Regardless of business casual or business formal, wear clean clothes, ones with no stains or odor. Clothes should be lint-free and pressed as well. Better yet, today’s no-iron shirts and pants are a great way to look sharp without having to do the ironing yourself or pay to have your clothes pressed. And while you’re at it, check your personal grooming: hair, nails, teeth, breath, and beard.

I had a woman call me in tears one day asking this question. Her boss had just chewed her out for not shaking hands. “Was I right?” she asked. She was at a meeting and saw a person sneeze into his hands. During a break a few minutes later, her boss brings the person over to introduce him to her. While images of that recent sneeze flash through her mind, he reached out to shake her hand.

What would you do?

The handshake is a perfect example of what manners are and why they are valuable. Manners smooth the way as we interact with people by telling us what to do and what to expect people to do in return.

We learn from an early age that if a person reaches out a hand to shake, we should respond by shaking. It is a staple of the greeting ritual in America, the way we show respect, especially when meeting someone for the first time. When both parties shake hands, all the attention focuses on the greeting. But when a person is left with a hand hanging out there in space, the focus immediately shifts to why the other person didn’t shake hands. Even worse, not shaking the offered hand can be seen as a slight, a disrespectful gesture that needs to be explained.

Now, there are times when not shaking is appropriate, but needs to be accompanied by an explanation. “Please, excuse me for not shaking. I have a cold and don’t want to give it to you. But it is a pleasure to meet you.” “In my culture women do not shake hands, but I am very pleased to meet you.” An injury, medical condition, or religious prohibition— as long as the explanation is true and sincerely explained, it works. But if a few minutes later you are observed shaking hands with someone else, then you’re busted, and your white lie now has gotten you into deeper hot water. (That’s the problem with a white lie. When you get caught, and you will get caught, resolving the situation is much worse than whatever you told the white lie about in the first place.)

For the woman who called me, considering even for a split second how her action would affect the others might have led her to a different course of action. While hard on her, shaking hands was good for the person she was meeting, her boss, and ultimately her company. Not shaking hands, while good for her at that moment, really wasn’t good for her in the long run as it left the person confused, her boss angry, and her company possibly losing business.

In business, until that manner changes, shaking hands is still the best option.

My husband and I will be relocating out of state, and I will be seeking employment there. Our relocation time frame is between 18 months and 3 years, sooner if I get the right opportunity. We already own a home there, and our mail is being forwarded from that address until we move permanently. Because my search could take a while due to the current job market, I want to start filling out "job interest cards" with various employers, to be notified when certain positions become available. The notifications are supposed to come by e-mail which is not a problem, but they want other contact information, which brings me to my question: when I fill out these job interest cards, which street address do I use? I want to be honest, but I also do not want a potential employer to discount me because of an out-of-state address. The on-line form has space for just one address. You cannot attach a cover letter/resume, and there is no room for a note/comment. Any advice or insight you can provide will be appreciated. Thanks so much."

G. B., Springfield, IL

Because you already own a home where you want to locate, you can legitimately use that address when you fill in the job interest card. You are being honest with the prospective employer. As long as you are being honest, you are on firm ground. You have a home in that area, and, if necessary, you would be able to accept a job offer and be at that location ready to start work. In no way are you attempting to pull the wool over a prospective employer’s eyes.

In this online age, job seekers are no longer limited to a local search. There’s a fair chance that applications will come in from across the country. However, if a company uses the interest card as a way to pre-screen applicants local to the area, it would be to your advantage to use that address.

A person would have a problem providing a local address if he didn’t own or rent a home in the area he wished to relocate to. Then he would be creating a fake address or using a PO Box in an attempt to show he had roots in the area when he really didn’t. In that situation, the only appropriate course of action is to use his current address.

Providing a “local” address in an area where you don’t actually own a residence is really a white lie. Once you get caught in it—and it’s really not a matter of if you’ll get caught, it is when you get caught—correcting the situation is much more difficult than simply having been honest in the first place.

Good luck in your job search.

Q: What is the general practice regarding birthdays in the workplace? As a manager, I choose to not acknowledge them to avoid jealousy if someone's gets overlooked. Other managers are buying cake every week. What's your take?

A: I was thoroughly amused when I read your question. I have seen many practices, some which employees enjoy and some which employees seem to loathe.

Some of my observations:
- Employees being cajoled and even pressured into “donating” for a gift for the birthday honoree. I am not in favor of this as a practice.
- There is a rotation where each employee takes a turn baking cakes for the birthday celebration. In some offices, this works. However, you could always get someone like me baking your cake. Then, because of my culinary skills, I am not in favor of this as a practice.
- Employees avoiding work on their birthdays because of possible embarrassment associated with a birthday. Think crepe paper, balloons and a decorated cubicle. Some employees adore this attention while others seem irritated by it.
- Employees becoming annoyed that their birthday (or age) is known to others and no one asked them in advance if a celebration was acceptable.
- Some employees enjoy whatever celebration their department has planned and this might include a cake or simply receiving a card signed by colleagues.

I think the smartest approach is to celebrate birthdays once per month. So instead of having a cake on May 5, May 12, May 21 and May 31, perhaps having one cake for all of the May birthdays. I think it is a good idea to ask the birthday honorees before the celebration to ensure that the birthday honorees are ok with all others knowing that they have a birthday in the upcoming month. I have found that some employees are very private and prefer not to be the center of attention during a celebratory event, even if it is just a few colleagues in a conference room. Some companies will circulate a card for all to sign instead of a cake. Some offices would prefer that cakes not enter the workplace because of food allergies. And to keep the attorneys happy, please keep the cake, cards and decorations all PG-13 or cleaner.

I have seen a wide range of how birthdays are handled in the workplace. However, you want to ensure that it does not become the focus of the day and hinder productivity. You also want to make sure that the acknowledgement of the birthday is well-received by the recipient(s).

I always enjoy writing to you because you always respond. I just read your column in the Sunday Globe on fund-raising tips, and it got me hoping that someday you’ll find the opportunity to advise telemarketers on something they should not do: address total strangers by their first names.

I often get calls from telemarketers who begin, “Is this Alfred?” When I respond in the affirmative, they proceed to use my first name early and often. It seems to me that if I were in such urgent need of money that I had to phone total strangers for their help, I would address them as Mr. or Mrs. I might even say Sir. I certainly would not address them as if they were a buddy. Over the years I’ve found this a most annoying aspect of their solicitations. I told one as much the other day, and why, and it felt good!

F. H., Natick, MA

One of the etiquette tips we give for both verbal and written communications is to defer to the formal anytime there is a question as to how a person would prefer to be addressed. The formal—Mr., Mrs., Ms., Dr., Rev. plus last name—leaves very little, if any, room for offense, such as you feel when telemarketers start conversing with you using your first name.

When you meet someone for the first time, you don’t know how they wish to be addressed, especially someone older than you or more senior to you in business. Imagine if you started out calling your new boss by her first name only to hear others address her by her title and last name. It will be awkward suddenly to swtich from using her first name to using her title plus last name. Conversely, if you start out using title plus last name, it will be much easier and less embarrassing for you to switch to the informal first name once you know it is acceptable. Often, if you have addressed a person formally, they will respond by saying something like, “Please, call me Shelley.”

The same is true for written communications. With email especially, it is easy to let the informality of the communication process steer you in the direction of being informal. If you’re sending an email to someone more senior than you, to someone you’ve not met previously or not already established how you will address them, then deferring to the formal is a safe haven for you. You won’t go wrong, and the respect you show the person by addressing them by title plus last name will help you start out on the right foot to build a positive relationship .

Q: I supervise a small team of data entry clerks. The work we do can be tedious. Some employees play music to pass the time. Some employees talk to each other. I went on a medical leave and then I returned in March. When I returned, I noticed the chat level has really gotten out of hand. Our productivity has been negatively impacted. I don’t want to come off as a strict boss but how do I get these employees re-focused?

A: Let’s start with discussing the positives. Your employees are capable of being productive and focused. You observed their productivity levels before you took your leave of absence. This information is helpful because it tells me that they are capable of returning to that level of performance.

I always recommend starting with a candid approach. If you have a regular meeting, you could share your observations. Your message might sound like this:

I am glad to be back at ABC Inc. I appreciate all of your
support since I have returned. I want so share with you an
observation though. Before I left for my leave, we were running
at x errors per hour. I looked at a few reports earlier this week.
Now we are running at a much higher number of errors per hour.
Maybe around x+20. I have also noticed a higher level of
chattiness. I am ok with the music in the background but we have
to get the chattiness back down to a reasonable level. Does
that make sense?

I think if you have data to back up your concerns, it gives your concern more validity. My guess is that the work environment probably became a bit lax when you were on leave. It is easy to slip into bad habits. It is better to share your concerns sooner rather than later. You don’t want the chattiness to continue and create a larger problem than it is right now.

"What is the best way to confront a co-worker who commonly discusses her bodily functions out loud and in detail? Our office is small, and she makes no attempt to be discreet. We really don't want to hear about her bathroom habits or her other inappropriate issues. Is this just a lack of manners or complete ignorance on her part? Help!"

L. M., Clearfield, PA

Almost assuredly, it’s ignorance. Because if it’s not, it implies she is intentionally trying to gross out you and your co-workers. If that’s the case, talking to her about the issue won’t help; it will only reinforce her behavior because she’ll see it is having the desired effect. A manager will have to step in and lay down the law. Her continued rude behavior could create an unpleasant work environment and negative morale problems, which will lead to lower productivity and profits.

Ignorance can be addressed—first by co-worker(s) and then, if necessary, by a manager. It could be as simple as responding to her right when she says something vulgar, “Jane, that is really too much information. Instead, I’d enjoy hearing more about your vacation.” Keep a light or neutral tone, or even try a little humor. The idea is to clue her in and then move on. It may take a couple of “TMI” notices to raise Jane’s awareness that certain topics are off limits.

Alternatively, a colleague with whom Jane is friendly could try having a private, one-on-one talk with her. That private conversation can focus on the issue and not on embarrassing Jane in front of her other coworkers. “Jane, I want to bring up an issue that you may not be aware of. I’m speaking to you as your friend, and I hope, if the roles were reversed, that you’d do the same for me. Sometimes when we’re all talking, you bring up information that really is better kept private.” A couple of specific examples could help illustrate what the colleague is talking about. And then the colleague could conclude with, “I’d be more comfortable, and I’m sure some of the other people at work would be, too, if you kept such information private. Is that okay with you?” It is important to ask the concluding question to elicit a response from Jane. If she agrees, great; if not, then it is likely time to bring the issue to your manager for her to handle.

As a function of my job, I am sometimes invited to black tie affairs via email invitations. I've always assumed that if one is invited to such a function without any mention of bringing a guest in the invitation that one is simply invited solo. I have noticed, however, that my colleagues often show up to these events with (non-spouse) guests (for whom they've RSVP'd), despite the fact that their invitations are identical to mine. Is it rude to reply to the host to ask if a guest is included in the invitation? I'd rather not put the host organization on the spot, as they may consider it rude to outright deny the inclusion of a guest, but otherwise I find the process confusing without the helpful clarity of a paper envelope addressed to “attendee + guest.”
S. H., Alexandria, VA

Your question implies that colleagues who have spouses receive invitations that are addressed to both people so the spouse clearly is included in the invitation. The invitations for invitees without spouses are addressed only to the invitee which, as you correctly surmise, implies no ”plus one” privilege.

While your colleagues are clearly overstepping the bounds of the invitation by bringing a guest, at least they are indicating their intent in their responses. Better that than simply showing up with a guest. Bringing a guest without at least letting the planner know throws the count for the number of meals and the number of seats and tables into confusion. But still, they shouldn’t have imposed on the host’s generosity and assumed they could bring a guest. On the other hand, the host appears to be condoning the practice.

If you wish to push the envelope and invite a guest to the next event, your best course of action is to call the organizer when you receive the invitation and ask. Don’t simply indicate on your RSVP that you are bringing a guest.

In general, I believe if spouses are invited to an event, then invitees without a spouse should be given the opportunity to bring a guest as well.

Finally, the RSVP is a most vexing etiquette issue. By failing to convey the right information the sender leaves the recipient confused; while by failing to answer the invitation or not complying with what the invitation asks, the recipient causes headaches for the sender. One of the biggest complaints we receive at the Emily Post Institute is about people who don’t respond to invitations at all. So, kudos to you and your colleagues for RSVPing to the invitations.

There were some problems at my job last week—not my fault but my responsibility—that required weekend work. My boss said she would work Saturday, and I said I'd work Sunday. This morning she called and said she felt bad since I have to travel quite far to work, and since there wasn't much left to do, she'd do it for me.

So nice of her! Are homemade cookies and a warm email appropriate thanks? I know you aren't supposed to give presents to your boss, but I was hoping homemade stuff could be an exception. True?

NR, Toronto, ON, Canada

What a pleasure to receive a question that deals with a positive, understanding boss. Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to your question. It depends to a large degree on the size of your workplace.

If you and your boss and maybe one or two other people are in the business, then by all means some “homemade stuff” would be appropriate. Just remember: Any time you do make stuff for any office be sure to let people know the ingredients to avoid any unpleasant surprises due to allergies.

The problem with a gift for your boss comes when there are several other employees in the business or department. It would be a shame to have an expression of appreciation appear to the other employees as an attempt on your part to curry favor with the boss. The other employees may not even know why you are giving your gift, and because of that lack of knowledge their thoughts could easily turn to the negative. Also, you are now setting the bar for other employees when the boss treats them similarly to how she treated you. If they don’t make some “homemade stuff,” are they less appreciative?

Instead, a perfect way to show your appreciation is to give your boss a thank you card or note. You should hand write the message. It doesn’t have to be long—three to five sentences are more than enough. Leave it on her desk or give it to her when you can do so privately. By the way, if you are in a small office where “homemade stuff” is appropriate, an accompanying card or note is like icing on the cake.

Out of interest, statistically bosses who do treat their employees well, foster a positive workplace atmosphere, and are considerate and respectful of everyone they interact with tend to have a more productive team, generate higher profits and engender greater customer loyalty. Those are pretty good results for treating people well.

I am a full-time student and work a part-time job so there isn't much time to sleep. I wake up at five am every day to get to work by six. I usually don't want to wake up as early as 4:00 or 4:30 to do my hair in the morning so typically I do my hair and makeup in the back office where no customer can see me (and we rarely have customers that early anyway that I have to interact with). Is it a faux pas to do your personal grooming at work, even if you have no interaction with customers typically that early and your boss hasn't even come in for the day yet? This is just something I have been thinking about lately. How would you feel about it?"

KC, Columbus, OH

There are several reasons why your choice to do your personal grooming at work is a mistake.

• The general rule of thumb is: Other than a quick touch-up of hair and makeup, do your personal grooming at home.

The point here is that you should look professional—in your case ready to do your job—from the moment you leave your home to the moment you return home. I know a young woman who worked in the financial services field in New York City. Although appropriately dressed in business formal clothing, she would wear comfortable flip-flops to work and then, once at her desk, exchange the flip-flops for dress shoes. One day as she entered the elevator, the CEO followed her in. She felt embarrassed that he observed her in less than professional footwear. That was the last time she wore flip-flops to work.

• Company time isn’t personal time.

It sounds like you take anywhere from half an hour to an hour to do your personal grooming. Currently, you arrive at work at your start time of 6:00 AM and then spend the next half hour to hour or so of company time—time you are being paid for—on personal grooming. You point out that your boss isn’t at work yet as though this might be a good reason to be able to get away with doing your morning beauty routine. After all, he isn’t there yet and so he doesn’t know you aren’t doing the work you are being paid to do. Not a good idea.

At the very least, if you are set on doing your morning grooming at work, you should discuss your plan with your boss and get his approval. The alternative is he will find out what you have been up to, and you may discover he isn’t very pleased. Tonight, I suggest you set your alarm for 4:00 AM.

Q. I have an employee whose job is 40% writing and editing. She has a graduate degree in a relevant field from a mid-level school. After five months on the job it is clear her writing is not up to par for someone with her level of education. The problem has been identified and resources have been offered (e.g. style guides, resource books, writing exercises). However after six weeks of focused attention on performance improvement, the problem persists and she is not able to successfully complete 40% of her job.

Is my business required to offer a remedial writing course to her in a last ditch attempt to support her improvement? Or should we just pull the plug and let her go after six weeks of guided improvement efforts? What is required under the law, and what is good practice?

A. Hiring managers and organization hold some responsibility for the success of their new employees. While candidates may complain about difficult interview processes, they play a significant role in helping organizations make the right selection based on skills needed to be successful in the new role. Often, employees are charged with finding and hiring new employees without the experience of designing an effective selection process. I would suggest somewhere in your interview process this employee’s significant weakness should have been identified.

An effective process would have included writing samples. Was she given a piece to edit while she was in an interview? Were references checked, with specific questions relating to her writing and editing abilities asked? Often, hiring managers assume the skills set exists at the level they want, without communicating this clearly to references, or even the candidate.

Good practice was to offer her support in her job so that she can develop the level of expertise you need. She is able to successfully complete 60% of the work, and the six weeks of developmental support has not yet been enough to meet your standards for the remaining 40%.

Your assessment of her chances of being successful may carry more weight than about anything else. If you believe her current contributions are strong, and she has a chance of developing the skills you need to the level of expertise you want, you can continue to make an investment in her development. You might also ask if she is confident in her ability to meet those challenges and what support she might need, but only if you want to offer that opportunity. Either way, she deserves to be made aware of her status

If you lack confidence in her ability to make developmental strides toward the demands of the role, your organization should take note of their responsibility in the mis-hire. What is required under the law, and what is good practice, are not the same in this situation. If a separation is the solution you choose, I encourage you provide outplacement, severance, and references which support her success.

Q: I recently interviewed for a job on a very informational basis. I met with the department manager who is trying to get the new position added to his team in early 2012. I was referred to the department manager by my brother-in-law who knows this guy through professional channels. My brother-in-law asked me how the interview went and I told him I thought it went very well. My brother-in-law asked me if I sent a thank-you note or email to the guy after we met. I didn’t send a thank-you note because it didn’t really feel like a formal interview. The department manager took me to lunch but we only talked about the possible role for about 30 minutes. The rest of the time we talked about sports, changes in our field and our families. My brother-in-law is now clearly irritated at me and insists I should have thanked this guy with a note or an email. I think a handshake and a verbal thank-you right after the lunch were fine to thank him. What is the protocol for sending a thank-you note? In the past, I have sent thank-you notes but only if there was a “real job” at stake. My brother-in-law and I agreed to send this to this column and you would tell me if I should have sent a thank-you note (or email).

A: There is nothing like a good family dispute to spice up holidays, cookouts and other family gatherings! However, I might disappoint you with my response.

I agree with your brother-in-law. In fact, I would probably push it one step farther. I think you owed a thank-you note/email to the department manager AND your brother-in-law.

Let me explain, starting with your brother-in-law. Your brother-in-law became aware of a possible job opportunity that might be of interest to you. You want him to continue passing these job leads to you. A quick email, saying “Hey, thanks for the heads up! I appreciate you forwarding me this contact. I will follow-up with this guy and keep you posted.”

You should have absolutely thanked the department manager in a more formal way. For some companies, a note (via mail) is still the expectation. For many companies, a quick email would have been perfectly acceptable. It sounds like this department manager treated you to lunch (this is my assumption) and then talked with you about a possible opportunity as well as other common interests. He took the time out of his day to meet with you in person, probably because of his relationship with your brother-in-law! Anytime another individual meets with you to talk about your career or an opportunity for you, then a thank-you note should be sent.

I've been filling out applications for jobs and have no idea what to put for a job I had during the summers of 2007 and 2008. My boss passed away since I worked for her, and no one else at the company would really know me since there is high turn over. What do I put on applications when they ask for previous job/supervisor? For anyone who does hiring, does it look bad to write down a boss who did not know me? My fear is that a prospective employer will call this person and they will not know who I am. Does that look bad to a prospective employer?"

A. S., La Crosse, WI

No, prospective employers are aware that the current people at a business where you were employed four or five years ago might not have first-hand knowledge of you. Career changes and staff turnover are a fact of business life. It’s important for you to realize that you are not responsible for the fact that your boss from four years ago has since died and that people currently at that company might not know you. What you are responsible for is to provide accurate, truthful information about your past employment.

What alternative do you have: not to report that job on your application? Not a good choice. Doing so causes two problems. First, it creates a hole in your employment history that you may be asked to explain if you get asked in an interview. Second, by having left the information off the application, it gives the impression that you are evading reporting the job. The result: You look less than truthful. A prospective employer is not going to be very interested in you as a candidate if he doesn’t think you are honest.

On the application, in addition to the name of the company, dates of employment, and duties, add the name of the boss for whom you worked. You also can put the name of the person presently in that position, if you know it, and indicate that your boss has passed away. That’s being accurate and truthful. You worked there for two summers, and you deserve to be able to have that work as part of your employment record. Also, while that business may not currently have people who know you personally, it does have employment records that can verify you did work there.

At the end of any employment, it’s a good idea to ask your manager or boss for a “To whom it may concern” letter of recommendation, spelling out your duties and how well you performed them, as well as something positive about you as a person. Keeping these letters as supplements to your resume can negate the situation that you find yourself in now.

Q: I moved to New Jersey for a promotion, thinking it would be a 2-3 year assignment. That was in 1990. My family and I very much want to return to the Boston area but I have no network to speak of in the area. Complicating matters is the fact that I also want to change careers. I'd appreciate any thoughts on how to get jump started.

A: Welcome back to Boston… well, hopefully soon! You are smart to make the connection between your “network” and a job search.

How can you build a network in Boston while living in New Jersey? Building a network, especially in the early stages, can be partially accomplished using technology. LinkedIn is an important tool and can be used to build your contacts. If you are currently employed, avoid adding 20 contacts per day. Instead, add a few each day. If you are currently employed, you don’t want your LinkedIn profile to scream, “I am looking for a job in Boston!”

It sounds like you have roots in the Boston area. Think about joining groups on LinkedIn, particularly groups that have a Boston-centric purpose. Again, join groups slowly if others might be checking your profile. Add groups affiliated with your college or university. Consider joining Boston-based groups with a focus on your profession. You can join up to 50 groups on LinkedIn. These groups have been invaluable to me in my career.

Try to plan a few trips to Boston. New Jersey to Boston is a drive-able distance, especially if you are tacking some time onto a long weekend. If you have friends and family here, let them know of your interest in relocating back to this area. Consider attending networking or professional events during those trips. Schedule a coffee or a lunch with contacts that could be helpful to you.

You can also target specific companies or events using technology. If your industry experience is in medical devices, you can find out if the Massachusetts Medical Device Industry Council is holding an event during one of your trips. Many of these industry associations also post jobs for free for their member companies.

I'm in the process of starting a not-for-profit organization. I was wondering what is the polite way to solicit donations for such an organization? I don't want to become the person who is always asking for money, but I also don't want the organization to suffer from me being overly shy.

M. C., Flushing, NY.

Success in business is based on building relationships and that certainly is true when soliciting for donations. By building a relationship with the donor, you build trust. Trust is key to being successful at the ask.

Just like building relationships, asking for donations is a skill. Just like other skills some people do it naturally and easily, while others learn it. Because it sounds like this is a new venture for you, try to identify a couple of people in the non-profit community in your area who you think would be good mentors for you. If they agree, don’t try to mine them for contacts to solicit, but rather work with them to understand what makes them successful and emulate them as you develop your solicitation skills.

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard for people who are going to solicit donations is this: Instead of thinking of it as "asking for a donation," flip your mindset to "offering an opportunity to learn more and give to an amazing cause."

When making phone calls, be warm and personable but get to the point and be considerate: "Jackie, I'm calling because of this opportunity I'm excited about and am personally involved in. Can we have coffee so I can tell you about what I'm doing for the American Heart Association? I'd love to have you be part of it!" If they have time to meet, they will. Face-to-face is always the best way to solicit. If they don't have time, ask them right then and there on the phone and for a specific amount.

Here are four other keys to being successful:

1. Don't solicit for a cause unless you have a passion for it or a personal relationship with it. You must be sincere when you ask for donations.

2. When you take on fundraising, be open and realistic about what you think you can do - don't bite off more than you can chew. That is respectful of you and the development team at the non-profit.

3. Thank the donor verbally when they make the donation. Thank them again when they send in the actual donation (ask the non-profit to notify you). Yes, the non-profit will thank them but, as the solicitor, you should, too.

4. Help the organization by getting complete contact information for their records, future solicitations, or invitations to events. Be careful to note how people wish to be addressed or acknowledged: Is it Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, or Mr. John Doe and Ms. Amy Buck?

Q: I have a daughter who is a high school senior. Her guidance counselor often posts your column on the bulletin board outside of his office door to encourage “good choices.”

My question is that I have heard that employment professionals often check a candidate’s Facebook page before making a hiring decision. Is this true? It seems odd to go to this extreme. However, here is my concern. I am not a big Facebook person. I joined to check on my daughter’s profile and comments. Sometimes her information does border on being inappropriate. For example, photos of her and friends sunbathing. In some photos, she is fully dressed but showing too much skin. There are a few inappropriate comments too. Of course, there are some photos which are harmless, like the photo of our dog or a snowman built last winter. Some comments are fine too.

Also, do colleges check these pages?

A: You are smart to check your daughter’s online profile. Although Facebook is a wonderful social media tool for connecting with others, it can have a darker side. First, beyond the job hunt, your daughter may be communicating information to online predators unknowingly. Talk with your daughter about what she discloses on Facebook. Less is often better.

Employers are increasingly checking online profiles, including Facebook. It is easy to do since accessing a Facebook profile takes seconds. It is important that your daughter’s privacy controls are in place. Employers are trying to gather all the information available on a candidate. If a candidate has several pictures of themselves at parties, drinking beer, etc., then a hiring representative might reconsider extending an offer to this candidate. Any hire is a risk and companies want to mitigate risks. According to Mike Astringer, Founder of Human Capital Consultants, “If a potential employer finds inappropriate material on a social media site chances are good they will use that information in a hiring decision.” A growing number of college admissions officers admit to checking applicants’ Facebook pages. Many feel since it is public domain, it is another piece of information available to them. It is a smart idea for students (and others!) to critically look at their Facebook pages and remove anything that is racier than PG-13. The main profile photo should be positive and professional. A high school graduation photo would be a good choice for your daughter.

In addition to removing salacious photos, all of us need to be aware that the negative comments could have repercussions (especially regarding a college or a prospective employer). Many of us are connecting with colleges and companies. Colleges and employers are able to read these comments and posts.

PS – I hope your daughter’s guidance counselor posts this column outside of his office door!

Q. I work in a modern, open work environment in which several desks are grouped into "pods" defined by fabric-lined dividers. People have conversations, talk on the phone, and go about their business generally without a problem—it just adds up to a sort of productive hum. However, one coworker frequently makes it very difficult to concentrate. His job requires him to spend a lot of time on the phone, and he's blessed with a rich, resonant voice that carries like few others I've ever heard. Unlike most people, he makes no effort to modulate his volume. He also has a habit of holding loud conversations with colleagues in other pods and even routinely plays his phone messages over speakerphone. The rest of us in the office know all the details of his work (and doctor's appointments) and can repeat his standard phone phrases. He seems good at what he does, but he's making it hard for me to be good at what I do! I don't know him personally, and we have different bosses. Any suggestions?

Thanks. I enjoy your column and especially agreed with your call for Congress to improve its work culture in your piece on Olympia Snowe's retirement.

Anonymous

A. We know through studies and our polls at the Emily Post Institute that the number one complaint about office colleagues is loud telephone voice. Your colleague takes it a step farther by being loud in person as well.

I’ve come to the realization that most rudeness isn’t intentional and the person being rude is often not aware that he is being so. The alternative, that the rudeness is intentional, doesn’t make much sense. People simply don’t get up in the morning planning to be rude to others.

Nowhere do you mention that anyone has ever brought the issue of Loud Man’s voice level to his attention. The benevolent place to start is to assume that Loud Man is loud without knowing it. Because you don’t know him personally, you may not be the right person to talk to him. Identify someone among your other colleagues who is Loud Man’s friend, and try to enlist him to talk to him privately . It shouldn’t be an accusatory conversation, but rather a “bringing to your attention” conversation. “John, I wanted to talk to you about something that I hope as a friend you would bring up with me if the situation was reversed. It’s about how loud your voice is in the office. Were you aware you talk loudly?”

It’s important to ask that question to direct Loud Man to focus on his volume and then to get his buy-in to lowering it.

Another avenue to pursue would be to enlist your boss to initiate discussions in staff meetings about distractions in the open office area and how they can affect productivity. She should be specific, and include voice level on the list of culprits. Afterwards, the next time he is loud, someone nearby can suggest, “John, this is what Ms. Jones was talking about. Can you lower the volume? Thanks.”

Olympia Snowe is just the latest example in politics and business to demonstrate the ugly effects of incivility and why civility matters. She just announced that she is not going to seek another term.

She did not make her decision because she was facing a difficult reelection bid. A USA Today article on February 29 on page 5A explained: “She last won re-election in 2006 with 74% of the vote. ‘I have no doubt I would have won re-election,’ she said in a statement.”

Instead, the article goes on to explain that the reason she gives for stepping down is a frustration with the “polarization and partisanship that has overtaken Washington—and the Senate, in particular. ‘I do not realistically expect the partisanship of recent years in the Senate to change over the short term,’ she said, adding that she would seek opportunities outside of the Senate to encourage civility in government. ‘It is time for change in the way we govern.’”

In a nutshell, that’s the problem with incivility. At a certain point, people simply say, “No more. I don’t have to put up with caustic, vitriolic, negative behavior.” And they disengage, refuse to serve, quit their jobs.

It’s not just in politics that incivility is causing a problem. In business today it is costly to replace a worker. There’s downtime between the time a person leaves and a qualified replacement is hired. There’s a learning curve for the replacement before she achieves the same level of productivity as the person who left. The whole process can take upwards of a year, a year of lost productivity coupled with the costs of hiring a new person and paying that person as she becomes proficient at her job. While businesses don’t expect to keep a worker from leaving for a good reason—a better position, a relocation—good businesses ensure that employees don’t leave for preventable reasons. But when a person leaves because of a preventable reason, such as incivility, that should be unacceptable.

And it should be unacceptable to the American public. That uncivil atmosphere of the past few years is reflected in Congress’ approval rating that has steadily declined and hit a new record low of 11% in December 2011. It is time to demand from Congress—the House and the Senate—civil behavior. Incivility has little to do with partisan politics and much to do with the culture tolerated by the leadership of an institution. I can accept any elected official’s decision to return to private life; what is unacceptable to me is a resignation caused by the contentious and uncivil atmosphere in Congress.

People leaving their jobs or as in Senator Snowe’s situation refusing to serve in an uncivil environment is too costly a result for a reason that should be and is preventable. And rudeness and incivility in the workplace are preventable. Prevention begins by changing the workplace culture and that means change must be embraced from the top down. That change is grounded in three powerful principles that should govern interactions in the workplace: be considerate, be respectful, and be honest.

Change in the uncivil atmosphere pervading Congress is needed now, before we lose any more senators or representatives for a totally preventable reason. It’s time for the Congressional leadership to recognize that the current culture is toxic and to take responsibility for restoring civility in our House and in our Senate.

Q. I recently quit an accounting job that I had for 6 months. The work was overwhelming and my supervisor wanted me to only work a certain amount of hours. I was so stressed out that I made mistakes because I was so tired. I finally made a mistake that had me written up. The next day, I decide to resign without notice. I felt as if it were better for me to resign before things got worse. Before this job, I had great tenure at other companies: one for 5 years and another for 3 years. My 6 month stint was in a new field. How do I explain to potential employers that I left after 6 months without notice?

A. Not every work situation is a perfect match, and dealing with a difficult job, challenging work, or a supervisor who may not be supportive is part of the world of work. How you choose to deal with each aspect of a situation like this is your choice. You may find that dealing with issues on the job as they arise early on can lead you to a better outcome.

Making a decision to leave a job should be given as much thought as taking a job. It sounds like you hit the wall and had no energy to take a step back and assess the situation, or take the time to find a new position first. When an employee finds themselves in what feels like a no win situation on the job, it is time to try to review in writing. There are a series of questions you need to ask so that you have a clear view of where you are and where you need to get. Ask and answer what is working, and what is not; ask what additional support you need to be successful on the job, and realistically answer if that support is available to you; ask if you have the skills you need, and if you can dedicate the time and energy needed to do well.

The answers to these questions prepare you for a conversation with your boss. First, make sure you know the outcome you are planning for, and next, be prepared for any outcome. In your situation, you knew you wanted to leave. We’ll assume you had come to that conclusion because additional support was not forthcoming, and you did not believe you could be successful on the job. The conversation might have gone like this, “I know we have talked about this job before, and mistakes I have made. I don’t believe I can be successful at this job, the way things are, and this is too stressful for me, and probably for you. I’d like to discuss the options.” You are opening the door to discuss leaving which is what you will do, but you might end up being offered transition time, while they looked for a replacement, or even severance. If you were asked what options you were thinking of you might say, “I want to help you in any way I can, and I am hoping you can do the same.”

Giving notice will help you get a good reference, which can help you get your next job. At this point, tell your potential employer you were in a no win situation which didn’t look like a mutually agreeable separation would work, so you had to leave, and that what you learned is to communicate about the job with your manager early and often

Q: I've been at my present job for just over 5 years. My issue is this: my boss never talks to me. I realize this sounds strange, but other than "good morning" she says nothing. She'll make a point of saying "good night" to people in the office, by name, but walks right by my desk & says nothing. I'm 48, and have been in the workforce for well over 25 years, and don't want to sound paranoid, but it makes for an uncomfortable situation. Should I read more into this, or just chalk it up to the fact that she doesn't like me and try not to care?

A: Good grief, as Charlie Brown would say. Generally, employees in the working world understand that the exchange of basic greetings are a professional courtesy and almost expected. Greeting others is a professional norm.

Your question raises more questions for me, rather than one single answer. My questions are as follows:

1. Do you make an effort to say “Have a good evening?” or “How was your day off?” After all, building a rapport is a two-way street.
2. Has your boss always been like this? Or is this behavior new?
3. What about during the day? Is your boss more responsive or friendlier? Or not?
4. When you are in meeting with your boss, does she treat you differently or the same as others?
5. How is your performance? Has she raised concerns about the quality or quantity of your work?

My guess is that your boss is probably an introvert. Communicating pleasantries is probably difficult for her. She may find it difficult to engage in even the most basic “small talk.” It is probably not directed at you personally. You do want to ensure though that your boss' behavior is not a smoke screen for her inability to confront concerns about your performance. A lot of managers struggle with how to confront performance issues in a tactful and professional manner. So... I would ask her in a private conference room or office. "Hey Mary, how do you think I am doing in my role as accounts payable specialist?"

Assuming there is no performance issue raised, it sounds like you need to make a decision. Can you tolerate this behavior and her work style? Or is it so difficult that you will decide to look for other opportunities? We all have different tolerance levels for impolite behavior. Some of us can live with more of this than others.

A note to supervisors and managers: your employees notice the efforts you make (or don't make) in connecting with them. The exchange of basic pleasantries can build a culture of collegiality and acceptance. It is an easy way to make employees feel welcome and valued.

Recently, one of the first items I saw on my morning news feed was “Adele turns tables on TV execs with finger gesture.” This comes on the heels of M.I.A. making the same gesture during a performance of Madonna’s new single Give Me All Your Luvin during the Super Bowl half-time show.

Gestures and verbal swearing are a pervasive part of today’s communication repertoire. Etiquette, as you would expect, frowns on these means of communicating. But it’s not just polite society that frowns on it. During my business etiquette seminars I point out that swearing is becoming a bigger and bigger negative issue in the workplace, one that could even get you fired. A 2008 Ladders.com survey found that 70% of executives would fire an employee for an etiquette-based offense, and the top named offense was swearing.

The real question here is: Why is swearing or flipping the bird a problem? The answer: It’s a direct frontal assault on the recipient of the expletive. People don’t like to be attacked, and swearing, as well as their gestural counterparts, is a form of attack. When an action can be classified as something other people consider hostile, threatening, aggressive, or offensive, then etiquette tends to say, “Don’t do it. It’s rude, and it’s disrespectful.”

There’s another equally valid reason not to fire an F-bomb or flip the bird. It puts the focus on you and your reaction, rather than on the possible offensive or annoying thing that triggered it. Take Adele for instance. She actually had a good reason to be frustrated. The “suits”, as she referred to them, decided they had to cut her off because the show was out of time before she was finished. Unfortunately for her, instead of keeping the focus on the foolish decision of the suits, the focus immediately turned to Adele’s bird flip. Instead of the lead-in stories being about the award she won, the lead was the bird she flipped. In fact, she had to apologize to the audience, making sure they understood her gesture wasn’t meant for them: “I'm sorry if I offended anyone, but it was the suits that offended me,” Adele said. “Thank you all very much, and thanks to my fans. I don't want them to think I was swearing at them.”

Same for Madonna and the M.I.A. situation. That one gesture is what people remember and talk about. A few days later Madonna felt compelled to voice her annoyance at M.I.A.’s gesture when she told Ryan Seacrest: “I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t happy about it. I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy and positivity, it seemed negative.”

Instead of their accomplishments and their performance, the attention was on a gesture. When you drop an F-bomb or flip the bird, it’s all about the word and the gesture, and neither reflects positively on you.

Q. I have been working for a temporary agency for almost three years and have had a number of different assignments. Is it proper business etiquette to ask a temp agency for a raise? Are they really my employer, or is it the company where I am working?

A. In this market temporary agencies have been a source of great work for candidates and great help for employers unable or unwilling to make long term permanent commitments. And while etiquette plays an important role in how you ask for a raise, it is not the key variable for whether you should ask for a raise. According to Staffing Industry News, raises have returned in 2012 with an average increase of 2.7%, and over 70% of employers saying they are planning on giving raises. So timing may work in your favor.

Temporary agencies are often the first types of employers to rebound after difficult economic times, and this has been the case over the last 2 years. 2009 paralyzed retained, contingency, and temporary staffing firms. The slow climb back was the first indicator of an economic recovery looming - and slowly coming into focus. Currently their robust business is focused on finding good candidates, not identifying more openings.

If you are a good candidate, as represented by the continuing work, and multiple assignments, you should be having a conversation with the agency about your earning capacity. Temporary agencies charge an hourly rate for your work at the employer you are serving, which is some percentage over what they pay you for the work you do. These margins are most often quite small, but clearly enough to generate a profit. The agency benefits from you earning more, as long as they can charge more for the expertise and experience you bring.

To be most effective in getting a raise, you need to know what the current rate is for someone with the skill set you bring to the market. Your network is one place to try and gather this market intelligence, or other agencies, or from managers at your former temp assignments. You should also ask which skills would get you a higher hourly rate. You may have these skills, but not demonstrated them, or find that they are skills you can quickly develop. Having this data will prepare you for the conversation with the agency with whom you are working.

Let them know how pleased you are to have such a long term relationship with them, and remind them of your stellar track record of happy clients. Also let them know your rate of pay is what it was 3 years ago, and that based on your research the going market rate is higher than that by X%. Ask them what they believe the range is for the work you are doing, because you would like to see an increase which reflects the skills and track record you have, and the contributions you make to the employer. They may tell you they have no flexibility with your current employer, but don?t stop yet. Ask them about other employers they provide staff for, and if any of those other employers have a higher pay scale. This conversation does not need to be adversarial. Your goal is to get their help in finding ways to get you a higher rate of pay, while they continue to bill a client for the work you provide.

Q: I interviewed with a company in early January. After I left the HR Rep’s office, I could overhear a conversation that she was having with the hiring manager. I took my time putting my coat on. I heard them talking about my candidacy. Specifically, they mentioned my email address (which is hotxxxx@xxxx.com) and the manner in which I was dressed. They were extremely critical. These are not qualifications for the job. I don’t get it. Do they want me to dress like a librarian?

A: Your question raises several different issues, all worth further discussion and comment. First, it sounds like the HR professional needs a more private space to discuss candidates. Second, these comments were not intended to be heard by you but it sounds like you lingered hoping to hear more.

I don’t know any of the specifics about your skills, the company, the role of interest or the work environment or industry. However, I will assume it is a professional work environment where there is an expected “dress code” at least for candidates.

Candidates should ALWAYS look professional. In most cases, what you wear out to a club on a Saturday night is not the same attire you would wear to an interview. It is better to err on the side of conservatism rather than dress flamboyantly. I don’t know how you were dressed but obviously it caught their attention, and not in the most positive way.

Your email address also sends a message about you as a candidate. Recently, I was a panelist with some of the best recruitment brains in Boston. “New Year, New Job” was a panel hosted by Ed Nathanson, Director of Talent Acquisition at Rapid7. Rapid7 is growing by leaps and bounds. One of the topics the panel discussed was a candidate’s choice of email. When you use an email that is racy, inappropriate or salacious, you are sending a message about your professionalism. Some job coaches recommend that you use one email address that is exclusively reserved for your job search. It should be simple and professional, like jsmith@internetprovider.com. It should never give the HR person a moment of pause or distraction.

It sounds like you received some difficult feedback while you were leaving that interview. I know it is hard to digest. However, it might be an opportunity to learn and improve your candidacy for the next role.

At a recent seminar we were discussing rudeness in the workplace. A hand shot up. One of the participants lamented the unfriendly tone she notices in emails. What, she wanted to know, is going on with people who write emails that seem to be so rude.

Tone matters. And email writers often underestimate the tone their writing takes on. When you talk on the phone with a person, they hear inflection and other clues that help transmit the tone of your words. When you speak face-to-face with a person, he has all the visual clues from your facial expressions and body language to help understand the tone of your words. What can be said sarcastically in person, and therefore is understood to be joking, can seem downright rude when just the words are seen on the screen.

Studies have shown that if you write something you think is positive in tone, the recipient will think it is neutral in tone. And when you write a message that you think is neutral in tone, the recipient takes it as negative in tone.

The difficult thing for you, as the writer, is that you don’t hear the tone in your words when you are writing or when you read the words back to yourself silently. So, what do you do when you are writing a difficult email or responding to someone who has been rude and you don’t want to respond in kind? How do you protect your messages from being interpreted negatively?

FULL ENTRY

Just this week during a visit with my father, I happened to catch the end of Wheel of Fortune. On a couple of occasions, I’ve seen Pat Sajak, the emcee, bring up an etiquette issue. Thank you, Pat

This time he let loose with an etiquette pet peeve that struck home with me. He asked, rhetorically, what the deal is with people who respond to a sincere thank you by saying “No problem.”

I couldn’t agree with him more. A thank you is an expression of appreciation one person offers another. To respond “No problem” is to shrug off this acknowledgment as really being undeserved and not meriting a thank you. It’s like saying, “It was nothing” or “Forget it.” I think that whatever prompted the “Thank you” was more than nothing and deserves a more positive response than “No problem.” Here’s why: Too often we ignore or dismiss a “Thank you.” Saying “No problem” is one of the most common ways it’s done. Nobody likes to be dismissed.

All of this brings me to the real point here. I’ve written about the importance of saying “Thank you” and writing thank you notes in previous columns. As important as it is for one person to say “Thank you” to another, it is equally important for the person being thanked to acknowledge the “Thank you” sincerely. And the friendliest, nicest, most sincere response is “You’re welcome.”

By saying “You’re welcome,” a person shows she has heard the “Thank you” and appreciates the recognition given by the person saying it.

One of my own pet peeves in this arena is people who respond to a “Thank you” by saying “No, thank you” with the emphasis on “you.”

Huh? What did I do to deserve your thanks? When I hear this response to a “Thank you,” I wonder if the person is trying to trump my thank you with theirs.

If you want to return the “Thank you,” there’s an easy way to do this. First acknowledge that you’ve heard it and appreciate it by saying “You’re welcome.” Then, having done that, you can say, “And thank you, too. I really appreciate …” By first acknowledging the other person’s thanks, you are taking a moment to focus on what they have said and showing them that you appreciate their gesture. You are showing them a measure of respect. Then you can offer them your thanks as well, and it, too, becomes a sincere demonstration of your appreciation of them.

Free advice, samples or demonstrations are part of growing a small business but at some point enough is enough. As an etiquette resource if someone kept calling you asking questions about seating arrangements or business customs for various countries, at some point you would have to tell this person, "If you'd like to hire to me to provide a seminar on this topic, I'd love to work with you." And then something to the effect of you can't just keep giving free advice because this is how you make your living. What's the best way to handle these types of inquiries? What if they offer to barter for your services, but that situation really doesn't work well for you? Is it appropriate to set a limit after their first or second call? How can one defuse a situation when the requester gets angry or insulted? When a price is quoted for services, how can one discourage haggling?

M. M., Portland, OR

There's a Yin and a Yang to free advice. At the Emily Post Institute, we balance free with paid advice: free in the form of the Etipedia and the Etiquette Daily blog. The etipedia is what it sounds like: an online encyclopedia of etiquette information. The blog is our online community where people can post a question and the community, led by several moderators, provides the advice. We use these "public," "free" options to help direct the questions that would otherwise overburden us on a daily basis. Web sites and blogs provide an excellent avenue to balance giving a service for free with getting paid for it. Paid advice comes in the form of our books and seminars. Interestingly, we believe providing the free avenues of advice doesn't discourage people from buying a book or attending a seminar.

When you encounter the person who seeks more than a quick answer or has numerous questions, your words are an excellent solution: "It sounds as if you have a lot of questions on this topic. If you'd like to hire to me to provide a seminar on this topic, I'd love to work with you." The best way to handle these inquiries is positively and confidently. You absolutely can and should be willing to set a limit and to end the conversation when you feel you are providing too much information for free.

Bartering is a personal decision. If you are uncomfortable with it, then say so, again politely and confidently.

Haggling occurs only if you let it. "John, thanks for the offer, but I don't provide discounts. My price is ?"

In all these situations the key is: It's not if you do it, it's how you do it. Politely and confidently will yield the best results. Even if the other person becomes angry, don?t respond in kind. If necessary, end the conversation. "I'm sorry John, I appreciate your interest, but I really need to go now. Good bye."

My boss sent me a request for a recommendation via LinkedIn. She has been extremely difficult to work with, and I can’t think of a single nice thing to say about her. How should I respond?

M. C., Flushing, NY

Your boss has put you into a decidedly awkward. While it’s possible she requested a recommendation only from you, it’s more likely you are part of a group of people she has contacted. Some will respond, others won’t.

People on LinkedIn utilize the recommendations feature to enhance their profiles. Users can solicit recommendations from other users. The end result: Some people have no recommendations, some have a few, and others have many recommendations.

There is no requirement in being a part of LinkedIn that obliges you to provide a recommendation if you are asked for one. The vexing issue you face is that the request is from your boss. Now you’re between the proverbial rock and hard place: You are concerned how she might react if you choose not to provide a recommendation, but you also don’t want to provide a positive recommendation which would be untruthful. For obvious reasons you also don’t want to say something negative. Essentially, you feel you don’t have any good option. In the final analysis, my advice is simply to ignore her request. Remember, within the LinkedIn community not responding to a recommendation request is an accepted, if not quite appropriate, way to respond. If she blasted out a bunch of requests, she may not even notice your lack of response among the many she has solicited.

If she targeted only you, then she probably will notice when she doesn’t see a response. If that’s the case, be prepared to talk with her if she asks you why. Instead of brutally dumping on her, “Because I hate you!” try a softer approach: “I didn’t respond because I think it’s awkward for any employee to give a recommendation for a boss. People might question the sincerity of my comments. I think it’s best if I don’t provide a recommendation.”

In general there is nothing wrong with seeking recommendations from other LinkedIn users. However, if you are a boss or manage others, seeking recommendations from people who work for you isn’t a good practice. People will question why an employee is writing a recommendation for a boss, and it puts your reports in an awkward position if they don’t want to write something positive about you.

During a recent seminar at a college, students wanted to know whether or not their Facebook page impacts them in their job search.

The short answer is: yes, it does impact you. Everything you do or have done can impact you. The Internet, especially Facebook, has simply made it easier to look at you as a whole person.

Companies want to know as much as possible about applicants before they make a final choice. They know your skills from your education and your past work experience. What they don’t know as readily is what you are like as a person. Will you fit their corporate culture? Is the “you” you presented in an interview accurate and trustworthy?

Social media offers important glimpses into you as a person: How you present yourself; what you say about yourself; what images you show on your page. Do you talk about your work life? If so, what do you say and how would it sound to another person?

What other people say and show about you are equally important. Photos in particular can make or break you. I know of one young gentleman who was asked in for an interview. The interviewer requested they visit his Facebook page together. The young man was embarrassed to see a picture a friend had posted and tagged with his name. He had fallen asleep on the beach and his friends had thought it would be a good joke to surround him with empty beer bottles, take his photo and post it. Clearly not the image he wanted to present.

Before beginning the job search, take time to review the content on your pages. Even better, have others review it for you to make sure you are presenting yourself in the best terms possible. It’s better not to hide parts of your image through privacy settings but instead to keep your page clean in the first place. You want to be okay owning everything on your page should people you aren’t friended with see it.

Check regularly for information or photos that others may have posted about you. If you find a photo in which you are tagged that makes you uncomfortable, contact the person who posted it and request, firmly if necessary, that they remove the photo. At the very least, untag the photo so it doesn’t come up in any searches of you. Checking this once isn’t enough, especially during the job search. Do it regularly, and again just prior to any interviews, so you can be sure your image is the best it can possibly be if an interviewer wants to look at your page with you. It’s okay to have a personal life, but your personal life shouldn’t be so incongruous with your work life that people question your trustworthiness or judgment.

I have worked at the same law firm for nearly 11 years now. I have received a bonus from my boss every year in December and in June, respectively. These bonuses are part of my pay; they are not gifts. On bonus day, I simply smile and say thank you and place my check in my purse. About a year and a half ago, we hired a part-time assistant. She has become very helpful and we like her, and plan to keep her employed. This year after she received her Christmas bonus, she sent a thank you card addressed to my boss and his wife (who is in no way associated with our office), at the office address, thanking him for his generosity. I feel like this was a little bit of overkill buttock-kissing on her part. Am I wrong? Is an employee supposed to send a thank you card to his or her boss after receiving a work bonus that is a part of his or her pay, which was promised to the employee at the time of hire? Please set me straight if I am incorrect, as I do not wish to appear rude or ungrateful, because I do appreciate receiving my pay as promised. Thanks!

L. A., Lake City, MI

I’m thinking you’re concerned her gesture of “buttock-kissing” is putting you in an awkward position because you didn’t write a thank you note. Now you’re worried because your assistant has done something, sent a thank you note, which raises the ante for showing appreciation for the bonus. You think that because the bonus was a promised part of your salary that it doesn’t deserve a note. And that is the crux of the problem. Is a thank you note “deserved?”

I’d give your assistant the benefit of the doubt and ascribe her choice to write a thank you note to being part of her understanding of how to show appreciation as opposed to unbridled “buttock-kissing.” It’s also quite possible that her bonus was based on merit, profit, or generosity and not an expected part of her overall compensation. I’d also give her this benefit of the doubt because apparently she is doing the work she was hired to do efficiently and well or you wouldn’t be planning to keep her employed. If she made any mistake here, it was including your boss’s wife in her thanks. Best to keep the work and social worlds separate.

When you received your bonus, you smiled and thanked your boss. Well done. That is all you “needed” to do. You expressed your appreciation when the bonus was given. You followed a pattern you have established over time. You don’t need to feel compelled to do more in the future, nor do you need to feel upstaged by the assistant if she continues to express her thanks in a note rather than just verbally.

I’d let this issue pass.

We were at a party this past weekend and the host brought up an etiquette question that we said we'd pass on to you. What is the percentage of people who RSVP that they will attend your party, but then don't show up and don't ever offer an explanation? (She had heard 50%) And, do people only RSVP if they are coming? What if they're not? Do they still RSVP?

T. H., Asheville, NC

I'm not sure of the percentage of people who RSVP positively and then don't show, but I doubt that it is as high as fifty percent. Regardless, the fact that people do respond positively and then don’t show up is galling to be sure. Illness or an emergency are legitimate reasons for changing a “yes” to a “no” at the last minute, but any change in plans requires a phone call to the host with an explanation and regrets.

More common are the people who either only RSVP if they are coming, or worse yet, don't RSVP at all.

RSVP (in French: répondez, s'il vous plaît), means “answer the invitation, please.” Whether it’s to accept or to regret, the host would like to know. When people don't answer, they put the host in a difficult position. Do I purchase food and set the table for eight or six? After all, I did invite the Curmudgeons Who Don't RSVP. Unfortunately if Mr. and Mrs. Curmudgeon haven't RSVP'd, then as the host you'll have to call them. You could stoop to their level by saying, "What's wrong with you? Don't you know what RSVP means? I can't plan my dinner until I know if you're coming or not. So, what's it going to be?"

A more appropriate way to begin the conversation with Mr. or Mrs. Curmudgeon is to comment that you're concerned they might not have received the invitation and let them know you hope they can make it: "Eva, I'm calling because I'm worried you might not have received the invitation to dinner I sent two weeks ago. I'm finalizing plans, and so I hope you and John can make it. Will we see you Saturday night?" By asking the question directly, you put them on the spot to give you an answer.

By the way, I think the most common reason for not answering is the invitee simply doesn’t know for sure so he puts the invitation away to get to “later.” Well, later never comes, and the response is never made. Next time an invitation arrives at your house, respond immediately even if it is only to let the host know the invitation was received. “Margaret, thanks for the invitation. I’d love to come, but I have to see if I can get a baby-sitter. Can I let you know by Wednesday?” Then, be sure to follow up by Wednesday. A regret doesn’t require an explanation. “Margaret, thank you for the invitation. I’m really sorry we won’t be able to join you, but hope you’ll think of us again.”

Q: Hi! I am frustrated and hope you can help...I was laid off 2 months ago from a toxic job, but still have not found employment. I have had a few interviews, but nothing has panned out. My most recent interview has me stumped - it went great (I thought), and at the end, the HR rep gave me her card, told me to call/email her any time for an update, and told me things about the 2nd interview. I sent her a thank you letter by email immediately. Then I received a rejection letter in the mail. Any ideas??

A: You raise a common situation that I think many of our readers have experienced during their job hunts. Let’s discuss the positives first.
• You are no longer in a “toxic” job.
• You have had a few interviews.
• There was some initial interest in bringing you back for a second interview.
• You understand the importance of sending a thank you note quickly.

What this tells me is that you are probably applying for appropriate jobs for which you are qualified. Your resume is also probably strong. You have an understanding of professional etiquette and have demonstrated that by emailing a thank you note quickly.

I don’t know what happened in your specific situation. I can offer several educated guesses but they are guesses and I can not be certain that any one of these reasons apply.

Some of the plausible reasons include:
• The employer hired someone else for the position. Another candidate could have been stronger. An internal candidate may have raised their hand during the selection process.
• The company did not fill the position. Or the employer has delayed the filling of the position.
• There was something about your thank you note that was not well received. Either the content or perhaps a glaring typo?
• Perhaps the qualifications or requirements of the job changed? After a hiring manager interviews several candidates, this can happen. After gathering intelligence from candidates, sometimes a different skill set is identified.

HR Reps sometimes have difficulty having these conversations with candidates. While there are candidates who welcome honest feedback, other candidates can become very defensive, even argumentative or belligerent.

Don't let this single outcome impede your search. Dust yourself off and keep swinging.

Yesterday, I was at a lunch meeting. After I’d finished eating (I wasn’t the only one who had finished), one of my bosses asked me if I wanted more. I said “No thank you. I’m finished.” My boss said, “You eat so little!” (I had actually eaten more than a full plateful.) My other boss then said, “That’s why she’s so skinny. She doesn’t eat as much as we do.” I get uncomfortable when people comment on my being skinny, and this isn’t the first time my boss has made a comment like this. I don’t really like these comments in general, but it seems especially distasteful coming from my superior. Is there something I can say next time she says something like this to indicate that I don’t appreciate her observations?

M. C., Flushing, NY

The temptation is to fire back a sharp response like, “And by looking at you, I’m so glad I don’t eat as much as you do!” That’s why I counsel people to think first before acting. While the smart retort can give you immediate gratification (“That’ll show them to make comments about me”), if the person on the receiving end doesn’t take it well, the relationship suffers. In your case the other people are your bosses, so refraining from making the sharp response is a good idea.

That said, you then have two choices. You could grin and bear it. At work, especially dealing with bosses, there’s a time to complain about behavior and a time to let it slide. Certainly, their comments are frustrating and inappropriate, but you have to ask yourself if trying to stop them is worth the effort you’ll have to undertake to make your point.

If you choose to say something, timing as well as words matters. You could try making your case on the spot, but that can backfire. People’s first inclination when challenged about rudeness is to deny it or defend themselves rather than to actually listen to you. Therefore, rather than saying something at the table where your comments may backfire, talk with your bosses one-on-one, in private. You’ll have a better chance of success. When you meet, be careful not to attack the boss, but to address the situation and how it affects you. “Ms. Smith, thank you for seeing me. Something came up at lunch today, and I wanted to touch base with you about it. It’s about the comments about me being skinny. I know it may seem like good-natured banter, but it’s happened a couple of times and makes me uncomfortable. I hope you understand.”

Q. Do employers have to pay for a mandatory Doctors visit?

A. At the cross roads of healthcare privacy laws and employment laws are physician visits made mandatory by an employer. I consulted with employment attorney David Conforto, who states, “The short answer is that, if an employer requires an employee to go to a health care professional of the employer's choice, the employer must pay all costs associated with the visits.” Employers may ask a job candidate to get a pre-employment physical, which can include a drug test, all of which is paid by the employer.

Understanding why the employer is requesting medical data, or verification of information you may have provided is very important. Many employees are just as concerned about what an employer is looking for, as they are who will pay the bill. It is reasonable to ask an employer or prospective employer the purpose of such a visit.

Attorney Conforto also notes that, “An employer will require such an examination where the employee has suffered a workplace injury and wishes to return to work, in which case he or she will be considered a qualified handicapped person under state law, or where the employee is substantially limited in a major life activity and has requested a reasonable accommodation.”

Any medical examination conducted by the employer's health care professional must be job-related and consistent with business necessity. This means that the examination must be limited to determining the existence of a disability and the functional limitations that require reasonable accommodation.

An employer's insistence that an employee submit to a medical examination, even after the employee has provided sufficient evidence of the existence of a disability and the need for reasonable accommodation, can be considered retaliation. However, an employer that requests additional information or requires a medical examination based on a good faith belief that the documentation the employee submitted is insufficient would not be liable for retaliation.

This year rather than mailing holiday cards, my employer is e-mailing holiday cards. The company isn’t a technology company, it’s a structural engineering firm. Is emailing holiday cards to business contacts (some of whom you have close client relationships with), regardless of what sector/business field you are in accepted all around?

S. K., Union City, CA

In today’s business world there is nothing inherently wrong with a business sending e-cards instead of mailed holiday cards. In fact, from an environmental point of view, it can be the right choice for the company’s image. Yes, there are recycled cards available as well, but a paperless card, an e-card, does make an environmental statement.

The company doesn’t have to be a technology company to send an e-card. Any company, large or small can do it.

The choice of mailed cards versus e-cards really rests with a couple of competing considerations. One of the most important benefits of a mailed card is its staying power. After it is opened, it is posted in a lobby or reception area where people are repeatedly reminded of the sender. An e-card is viewed on screen by the recipient and then not seen again unless it is printed and displayed with the cards received in the mail. Yet, how many companies make the effort to print the cards and post them? (And of course, one could argue that in printing them, the environmental argument, as well as the cost-saving argument, is weakened.)

Another benefit to the mailed card is that they can be signed personally by the whole staff at a small business or by the appropriate contact(s) for a larger firm. Adding a short note or sentiment makes the greeting all the more personal, especially for those with whom there is a close client relationship.

A mailed card carries both the cost of the card itself and the forty-four cent stamp needed to send it, so sending an e-card certainly is less expensive. Those savings can really add up as the size of the firm and the number of cards being sent escalates.

Each company needs to decide for itself what its best option is in choosing between the two. And perhaps some businesses will send a general e-card, but also send a mailed card when a more personal touch is warranted. In the end, the choice comes down to image. A company focused on savings and environmental concerns will opt for an e-card. A company viewing the card as part of it’s marketing strategy, where being seen and appreciated repeatedly is important, will opt for a mailed card.

Thank you for your column in the Boston Globe about saying "Thank you.” I find that an honest rendition of those two words merits much in return.

Could you please address the regrettable habit that has sprung up, that of a reply of "No problem" as opposed to "You're welcome?" I am routinely getting this answer, particularly from the younger set, particularly from people whom I have just thanked for doing their job, the one they get paid for! "No problem" sounds insincere and insouciant. Of course I am 72 years old, so perhaps this is a change I should learn to accept. I hope not!

S. C., Oak Bluffs, MA

You’re welcome, Sara.

Unfortunately, that phrase seems to have disappeared from our language. How often do you hear it as opposed to how often you hear someone replying to a “thank you,” by saying, “Oh, no, thank you.” Whenever I hear that return “Thank you,” all I can think is, “Why are you trumping my ‘Thank you’ with your ‘Thank you?’”

When you respond to a “Thank you” with “You’re welcome,” you are acknowledging the thanks and letting the person know you appreciate it. To say nothing when someone says “Thank you” to you is the equivalent of ignoring the person, and nobody likes to be ignored.

If you really do want to thank someone in return, saying “You’re welcome; and thank you, too” is the best solution. Saying “You’re welcome” first removes any implication that you are simply dismissing the person’s “Thank you” by not acknowledging it.

“No problem” has wormed its way into the normal dialogue we experience with each other. I hear it from all ages of people, not just young people, and I’m inclined to accept it as part of our language today. That said, the same advice holds true for a “No problem” or “It’s nothing” response to a “Thank you.” Precede it with a “You’re welcome,” and now it works perfectly well as a response.

So, today, tomorrow, the next day, take a moment to think about how you’ll respond the next time someone says “Thank you” to you. Try bringing back “You’re welcome” as the first thing you’ll say in acknowledging the “Thank you.” You’ll put a smile on the other person’s face, and that is the real point.

I am a high school teacher at a very small school with many troubled students. Yesterday, I happened to be walking by when a boy was sent to the principal’s office for misbehaving in his English class. The student made several vulgar remarks on the way out, and another employee in the hall tried to get him to quiet down by shaming him into submission, loudly telling another teacher, “He acts tough now, swearing and storming around, but he goes home and cries to his mother. She calls in and literally says, ‘He’s in tears right now.’” I was appalled at the insensitivity and disrespect for the student’s pride and privacy.

This all happened where his whole class could easily hear. The boy continued to escalate arguments and ended up being sent home suspended. Should I have done nothing? Should I have said something to the other employee then or later? Should I have contacted my principal describing the incident and commenting on how the staff member’s actions backfired and ended up escalating the situation rather than getting him to quiet down?

Anonymous

You witnessed a staff member being verbally abusive to a student, behavior that is at least unprofessional and at worst bullying. Ultimately, the principal needs to be aware of the facts. One option: You can report directly to the principal yourself. Or join together with the English teacher, who initially dismissed the boy and who overheard the remarks. You also could ask the teacher in the hallway to whom the rude staff member directed his remarks to join you in going to the principal as well. Having additional staff support can make a stronger case that there are better ways to handle disciplinary incidents than using tactics that involve public shaming and humiliation.

As to whether you should have intervened at the time, only you can answer whether you could have done so safely and effectively. Confronting the other teacher easily could have devolved into an argument between the two of you, and your point, that his remarks were gratuitous and inappropriate, would have been lost in the verbal scuffle.

Most importantly, in meeting with the principal, emphasize that staff might benefit from further training or a refresher course on appropriate disciplinary measures. It’s not easy handling an angry teen, so it is important that the staff be well versed in techniques that are more likely to have positive results. To help students learn to manage anger and conflict, it’s important that staff employ conflict resolution strategies that are based on respect for the individuals involved. Be the adult you’d like your students to be.

‘Tis the season, and the season really begins with Thanksgiving, especially if you read all the stories about Black Friday. As you sit down to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal with family and friends, this seems an appropriate time to talk about “thank you.”

Appreciating others and what they do for you is such a simple, positive thing to do, yet people are always asking questions like: “Do I have to write a thank-you note?” or “Is it okay to send an email thanks?”

What these questions imply is that saying “thank you” in any form is a chore I have to do, and if I didn’t have to do it perhaps I wouldn’t be bothered to do it. To answer these questions take a moment and shift your attitude from thinking of “thank-you” as an obligation to thinking of it as an opportunity.

As an obligation, thanking someone is something we have to do. And when we “have” to do something, we tend to put it off in favor of things we like to do. So the likelihood of the thank you being done diminishes the more it feels like an obligation. However, when thanking someone is seen as an opportunity, it becomes something we want to do. And when we want to do something, we are more likely to make the effort to do it.

Any manner in etiquette should have a reason behind it. Saying "thank you" for the meal you just enjoyed or the gift you just received, especially at this holiday time, acknowledges the effort a person has made on your behalf. People like to be appreciated. They are more likely to want to make that effort for you again if they are appreciated rather than ignored. So it’s to your benefit to thank them.

How can you be sure your thank you demonstrates your appreciation? Of course you can thank them as you leave the meal or when they put a gift in your hands. The heartfelt thank you, the one they will remember, is the second thank you made the next day. You pick up your phone and call or write an email or best yet, with pen in hand, write a thank-you note. When they receive that hand-written note, they read it and then enjoy it time and again when they see it on their refrigerator or lying on their counter or desk. However you choose to do it, thank them that second time because you want to, because you view it as an opportunity to be appreciative of the effort they have made for you. That’s giving thanks and that’s Thanksgiving, the start of the holiday season.

Thank you.

I have a home office that is off a children’s den. It’s a nice space, but has no door. When family comes to visit, they are often intrusive while I’m working because they can be. Especially my mother-in-law who frequently busts in asking if she can print this, or do I have a stamp, or can you take me here. How do I deal with the feeling of guilt while I’m working? I often hurry to finish just so that I can take them to lunch. Usually their visits are at a slower time of the year, but this year it’s not. While they know we’ll all be busy and understand that, I don’t think they really get it because they’ve never been understanding in the past when I just have to work and can’t leave for lunch, etc. Should I drop the kids at school and head to a coffee shop to work? Or simply say, “I’d love to hang out but I really have so many deadlines?”
K.W. Madison, MS

I have a nephew who works at The Emily Post Institute. He has a book deadline and a lot of work to do. Recently, I told him that even though people at the office know he has to do work, if he comes to the office he will be interrupted, and he won’t get the project completed. He’ll hear a conversation, or they’ll pop in and ask “a quick question.” And it’s not that his colleagues are intentionally interrupting him, but it happens. So I told him to stop coming into the office in the morning. Now he spending three to four hours each morning working at a local coffee shop getting the project completed.

Similarly, in your case the interruptions aren’t going to stop. You have no door. You have a mother-in-law who has a history of repeated interruptions. And now you have work to do.

The path of least resistance and the path that has the best chance of you getting your work done: Get out of the house.

You’ll remove yourself from the distractions of family. You’ll stop them from having the opportunity to interrupt you, even if it is unintentional. You can control your schedule. You can offer to go to lunch one or two days while they are visiting, but the other days you don’t have to think about rushing your work to accommodate them. Let everyone know when you’ll be leaving and when you’ll be arriving back home. By the way, it might be a good idea to tee this up before the visit. Let everyone know you’re swamped, you’ll be working off site, and that you’ll gladly join them for lunch on Tuesday and Friday. Then, when you’re not working, do all you can to leave work behind and be a gracious host.

I'm currently applying for a position within my company. I'm not confident I will be the final candidate so I don’t want to make it known to those I work closely with that I have applied. But I have had some co-workers ask, “Did you apply?” What is the best way to answer this question with tact? I could be honest and say, “Yes.” But there is a big rumor mill in my place of employment and some backstabbing so I really don’t want it to be known at this time. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you!

M. E., Richmond, Virginia

You could lie and say, “No.” But inevitably you will get caught, the most obvious time being when you get the job you supposedly didn’t apply for. Having to deal with the fallout and recovering from the lie would be more difficult, I think, than dealing with co-workers if you tell them the truth.

You could brush them off with a question like, “What job?” or you could feign indecision: “I’m considering it.” But again, with your application already submitted, these answers look lame in the face of reality.

Sometimes we over-think and over-worry a situation when the answer is right there in front of us. Fact: you’ve applied. And fact: your co-workers are going to hear about it somehow. So grab the bull by the horns and say, “Yes, I did apply. I may not get it, but if I don’t apply, then I’m sure not to get it. So I threw my hat in the ring.”

I think the “but” in your question is the real issue because you’re worried that the rumor mill or some backstabbing may occur as a result of your applying. Yet, being honest has the best chance of countering any rumors or backstabbing. Once rumors start it is very difficult to stop them so nipping them in the bud is to your advantage. Your best chance to do that is to lead with the truth: you applied for the job.

Backstabbing is just as insidious. However, by putting your candidacy out in the open, any attempt by a coworker to sabotage your application will be more obvious. You can’t cry “foul” if you’re claiming you’re not in the game. Again, being open and honest is your best defense.

Whether you get the job or not, applying is good practice. It shows your boss or supervisor that you want to take on more responsibility and that you intend to grow in the company. It puts coworkers on notice that you’re serious about your work. Good luck. I hope you get it.

Recently my co-workers and I decided to get our supervisor a gift because she has decided to leave the company, and we are all very fond of her. We got her a card and a really nice scarf. All of the employees except one signed the card and put whatever they could towards the scarf. The one lady who decided not to sign the card or pitch in for the gift went out and got her own card and 3 scarves and gave it to our supervisor the day before we decided to give our gift and card. Am I missing something here or is that really rude? We all feel like we have been cheated out of our surprise. I want to confront this co-worker to ask if she has a problem with the rest of us because I feel we have been wronged.

K. J., Cottonwood, AZ

Clearly your coworker has acted rudely. While giving her own card would be appropriate, upstaging your gift with hers seems, on the face of it, to be over the top. Now it is possible that your gift was an Hermès scarf well over $100 in value, and her three scarves could have been far less in value. Even so, by choosing to give the same type of gift on her own that the group had picked out and by pre-empting your presentation, she comes across as a spoilsport. She is also delivering a not-so-subtle message about how she feels about her coworkers. Her behavior is both rude and childish. I’m sure your supervisor appreciates your gift and has figured out the mean-spirited nature behind the other gift.

Before you jump on her, try asking yourself what you want to achieve as an outcome. If you simply want to verbally smack her for what she did and you don’t care about your ongoing relationship, then perhaps confronting her is what you want to do. But remember, so long as she works there, you will have to share space with her, work with her, and report to your new boss with her. While an abrupt confrontation might feel good in the short run, it may end up creating a more stressful work environment in the long run.

Also, it’s very likely that confronting her won’t resolve the situation; it will simply devolve into a personal issue between the two of you. My guess is the back-story here would reveal an ongoing relationship issue between this employee and the other employees in the department. Getting to the root of that issue and trying to build a better relationship with this colleague is more important than simply chewing her out for her inappropriate behavior. Instead of focusing on your frustration, I would suggest talking with her. Don’t just lay into her for what she did. First try to find out why she did what she did it.

I recently started a lunch club between my coworkers and myself in which they suggest a dish and pay for the groceries and I prepare the dish. My boss has noticed the food that I am bringing in and has mentioned it a couple times, even joining us after we finished eating during the last lunch (my boss doesn’t usually join us for lunch). She doesn’t know the arrangement between my co-workers and me so it looks like I am personally excluding her. My co-workers and I would like to eat lunch together without my boss; but I don’t want my boss to feel excluded. How do I handle this situation?
B. D., St Louis, MO

Excluding anyone, even a boss, is a quick way to create hard feelings in a workplace environment. That’s why behaviors like whispering or not speaking a common language can cause such difficulty, even if they are meant to be helpful. Lunch is one of the few times when workers can get to know each other and help create a more relaxed, pleasant work environment.

I can appreciate your desire not to have your boss share lunch everyday. In your situation, doing nothing is obviously awkward so it’s best to be up front and talk to your boss. The real question is: What do you say? “Ms. Smith, some of the workers pitch in to have a lunch which I prepare each Wednesday, but we don’t want you joining us. So would you mind staying away?” Completely excluding your boss from your lunches seems a bit harsh to me.

A more friendly solution would be to include your boss some of the time. Besides, it’s an opportunity to get to know her better and build the relationship between her and all of you in the lunch group. You invite her in a way that clearly indicates her joining you only some of the time: “Ms. Smith, it was nice that you joined us at lunch the other day. I know you’ve noticed I bring in lunch on Wednesdays. Some of my colleagues and I discuss possible menus. They pay for the groceries, and I prepare the lunch. It’s a great opportunity for us to get together and get to know each other better. Perhaps, you might care to join us once in a while? Let me know ahead of time and we’ll count you in.” When she does join you, she should share in the cost of the groceries. So when she lets you know she will be eating with you, that’s the moment to let her know what you expect the per person cost of lunch to be so she can pitch in.

If you find she is joining you for lunch too often, you may have to cut back on the lunches or plan to eat them out of the office.

By the way, please be careful about excluding other colleagues as well. Setting up small cliques can cause hard feelings among your co-workers. That’s something no workplace should encourage.

Q. I have been told I will receive additional compensation for work I am performing, but I have not received the terms and conditions of this compensation in writing. I continue to perform the work even though I am opposed, and not technically obligated to do this work. I am wondering what my employer's obligations are under these circumstances.

A. Work and compensation go together well, and employees need to know how that compensation is determined. Many employers wrongly assume that employees are clear on the complexities of how they get paid, and their status as an employee as it relates to compensation and benefits. Having these conversations when someone is hired, and again anytime their pay is impacted – positively or negatively – is one of the best ways to avoid employee relations issues.

You seem unhappy about being asked to perform additional work, and I am not sure if that is because you are not clear how you will be compensated, because it is not in writing, or if there are other reasons. I consulted with David Conforto, an employment attorney at Conforto Law Group, who notes, “It is unclear whether the employee is an exempt employee (not entitled to overtime) who is agreeing to take on more work for a higher salary down the road or a non-exempt employee (entitled to overtime) who is working beyond 40 hours per week with no extra pay. Whether the employee is exempt or non-exempt would depend on the duties he or she performs -- this can sometimes be a very fact intensive analysis with no clear answer”.

Find out if you have been classified as an exempt or non-exempt employee. This information may be on your pay check stub and it will help you determine what your employers’ obligations are. You can also have a conversation with your manager about how and when your additional work will be compensated, and how long you can anticipate needing to do this work since you are not inclined to take on additional responsibilities. Supporting an organization with a short term need can benefit how you are viewed as an employee. If you cannot provide the additional work support needed, communicate that information in a positive way. Some positions carry mandatory overtime. Knowing all of this information in advance, and keeping communication current and ongoing will be the best way to keep the work environment positive for all involved.

Q: I work in a typical suburban office building made up of different organizations. Directly outside the entrance of our building is the "smoke-break" area. Our entrance also serves as a bus stop. About 80% of the time, there is someone out there smoking and I have to breathe in their smoke when I enter and exit the building. I am a non-smoker and want to avoid someone else's bad choices. I'm new to the job and don't want to be a complainer. But, second hand smoke is bad! Help!

A: Your question strikes a chord with me. I too despise being exposed to second-hand smoke. I also understand that you don’t want to be perceived as a complainer.

A few options worth considering:
1. Often times, a management company will post a notice that smoking is not permitted within a certain distance outside of entrances because of this very dilemma. If there is a management company that runs your office building, perhaps you can stop in and make this request? My guess is that others are bothered by it also.

2. If you enjoy your job, tell your supervisor at the appropriate moment. After you have detailed why you enjoy the company and/or role, ask about the concerns of second-hand smoke outside the door. This conversation will be much easier if your supervisor is a non-smoker. And if you balance the positives with this one negative, you are minimizing your chances of being labeled a “complainer.”

3. If all else fails, is there another entrance or exit that you can use? This sounds like a weak recommendation but it would solve the problem.

Lastly, a warning -- this situation is most likely going to get worse as the cold weather approaches. I can envision the diehard smokers huddling closer and closer to the door (and each other!) when the rain, sleet and snow are falling in the cold weather.

As the chair of a large academic department at a state university, I interviewed a promising candidate. We worked out teaching schedules for fall and spring semesters, with the possibility of a temporary full-time position for the following year. I spent a lot of time nurturing this candidate, giving her the schedules she wanted, pushing to get her contracts issued early, answering a lot of questions, providing course syllabi, etc. In mid-August, she attended a three-hour orientation session for new part-time faculty and continued to be in contact with questions. The candidate gave me a verbal commitment to accept the teaching assignments for both fall and spring semesters. Eight days prior to the start of fall semester, she returned the contracts unsigned and also notified me through email that she had taken a temporary full-time position at another institution, but that she was still interested in teaching at our institution in the future. I was furious that she had given me no indication that she was still seeking full-time employment a mere week before classes began. Had I any indication that she might not take our position, I would have made arrangements with another candidate to fill in on short notice. Teaching is not like other jobs - you can't just put off the students for a month while you find another instructor.

Did she have a responsibility to notify me that she was still seeking full-time employment? Am I justified in my anger and unwillingness to consider her for any future teaching assignments?

P. M., Salem, MA

The short answer to your question is, yes, your anger and unwillingness to consider her for future employment are justified. Even though the contracts hadn't been signed and returned, she gave you a verbal commitment, and at that point she was honor-bound to live up to her agreement. Eight days ahead of the start of the semester is too little time for you to find an alternative instructor. In fact, once she accepted your offer, she should have backed out of consideration for any other job position that posed a conflict.

One of the hardest things about a job search is recognizing that a bird in the hand means you quit looking for the two that might still be in the bush. When an applicant receives an offer, it is imperative that an answer be given and honored if the job is accepted. Once the offer is accepted the hiring entity will turn away other potentially qualified applicants. Opening the search up again is time consuming, difficult and unfair to the other qualified candidates who may have moved on to other possible opportunities. Once made, a commitment to a job should be honored. Not only did this applicant go back on her word, she also torpedoed any chance of teaching at your institution in the future. Given that her position at the other institution is temporary, she can't afford to close off future opportunities.

Q: I am a manager of a small IT (information technology) team. I am disgusted at how unprofessional many candidates are when supposedly they are so very interested in a new job. Candidates don't dress appropriately. All of their answers are filled with "you know" or "like" or other slang terms. I had one candidate refer to me as "dude" in our interview. Here I am ready to hire and I can't find anyone that understands basic professional decorum. No one sends a grammatically correct thank-you note. And their follow-up is non-existent. And I won't even mention the texting, checking their phones, etc. during breaks between interviews. Do you see this as frequently as I do? I don't feel it is my job to coach candidates on how to behave professionally.

P.S. I often post this column on my office door to share with my team members.

A: I can sense your frustration as a hiring manager. You share many valid concerns, many of which I have heard before. I have personally witnessed some of these concerns as well. Let me try to offer some (hopefully helpful) advice to these candidates.

1. Dress the part and then some. What do I mean? Dress NOT for the role for which you are interviewing. Dress how the hiring manager dresses. It is better to be over-dressed than under-dressed. No wrinkly shirts or pants. Good hygiene. Get a haircut. Brush your teeth. Look professional, presentable and enthusiastic.
2. Have a trusted colleague or family member ask you sample interview questions. Be careful of the crutches many of us use. The "you know" is a common one. Especially when nervous, these phrases seem to slip out more frequently. "Dude" is definitely not a noun that should be used to address a hiring manager, ever.
3. Thank-you notes are a must. Make sure that the note is polished and crisp. In some companies, an emailed thank-you note is fine. For more formal companies, I would suggest a type-written mailed thank-you note.
4. Keep your phone out of sight and silent. No one should even know you have a phone with you.
5. Before ending an interviewing (whether in-person or on the phone), a candidate should always ask about follow-up. An example: "Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me today about the IT Specialist role. I am very interested in this role. What are the next steps? How should I follow-up with you?"

Good luck with your future hiring!

My supervisor is about to retire and has not mentioned it to me personally, nor has it been officially announced. However, most of the office personnel are aware of her plans. Some of the staff had made plans and threw her a retirement party on Monday. I was asked to participate. Of course, regardless of whether I had been personally informed of her retirement by her, I would help in any way I could with what they needed. Her party was on Monday. The very next day she came to me to officially let me know that it is her intent to retire at the end of the month. Granted we are not friendly with each other; but was it wrong of me to expect the professional courtesy of letting me know her intent to retire (at least prior to her party) – after all is she is my direct supervisor?

P.C. Honolulu, HI

What seems strange to me is that the office, you included, held a retirement party for her before her retirement was officially announced. I’m not even sure from your letter whether she had informed other staff personally prior to the party. If it turns out that was indeed the case, then, yes, expecting the same of her for you is reasonable. Otherwise, I wouldn’t worry about it.

More to the point is the issue of when to announce a retirement and when to hold a retirement party. Once an employee has discussed his retirement with his supervisor, he and the supervisor can determine when it is best to inform the rest of the staff. In a small office, people can be informed individually as long as it can be done reasonably quickly so other employees don’t start hearing about the retirement through the rumor mill. In a larger office a group announcement is necessary to prevent any rumors or to avoid hurt feelings such as has happened in your situation. The retiring employee and his supervisor should also discuss how the impending retirement will be announced to any clients, suppliers, or prospects with whom the employee has been working.

Retirement parties should only be held once the retirement is official and everyone has been informed. One vexing problem occurs when a few employees get together to throw a retirement party. “It can happen too soon,” “Not everyone is invited,” or “Who pays for the party” are all problems with an employee planned event. It’s much smoother and better if an event acknowledging the employee’s service is planned and paid for by the business. Often a gift is also provided by the company which removes yet another problem individual employees would face: “Do I get him a retirement gift?”

I am wondering if there is an etiquette to printed names on business cards? There are so many ways to write a name, I am a little confused. For example, someone named William David Smith works for a Silicon Valley computer company. His friends call him Bill. Which is most appropriate to have printed on a business card:

1. Mr. William Smith
2. Mr. William D. Smith
3. William “Bill” Smith
4. William D. Smith
5. Bill D. Smith
6. Bill Smith

Is there some kind of rule for when you use your middle initial? Does it depend on one’s status in the company? Example:
Billy Smith
Shipping and Receiving

vs.

Mr. William D. Smith
Chief Financial Officer

Thanks for any help you can provide,

L., Dublin, Ireland

First, check with your new company. It may have a policy dictating how your name is to appear on your business card. If there is no policy, then the decision as to how to present your name rests with you. One thought in making that choice is to consider that a business card reflects you as a professional. Therefore, having it look and read as professionally as possible will ultimately reflect positively on you. Any time you defer to the more informal—a nickname like Sparky or an abbreviation like Kathy for Katherine—you risk having some people not see you for the professional you are. If you have a middle initial, by all means, include it.

One way around the issue of an abbreviated name or a nickname is to print your formal name on the card, and then when you present it, you can say, “Nice to meet you Sharon. Please call me Kathy.” Problem solved.

The issue of titles is more a cultural issue than anything else. In the United States, the convention is not to use titles like Mr., Ms., or Dr. on a business card. An exception to this guideline is if you have a name that is non-gender specific like Dana or Alex. In this case when the person receiving your card hasn’t met you in person, the title alerts him to your gender. Also, the title Ms. is preferable over Miss or Mrs. Any professional designation, such as MD, CPA, or CFLU, follows the name: Katherine E. Park, MD.

The business card is a means of providing contact information about yourself, therefore, be sure it includes:

The name, physical address, and web address of the company

Your name and company title, if you have one

Your work contact information: office number, cell phone number (if used for work), fax number, and work email.

Q. I’m heading off on a business trip soon with a colleague who is much more experienced and senior to me. He’s not my boss though; we’re just doing this particular task together. I’ve only met him a couple times (we don’t work at the same location) and though polite, he’s never been particularly friendly.

I have friends in the city where we are going, and I am looking forward to visiting with them during my downtime. I’m wondering, though: is it rude for me to schedule activities for all my evenings there that do not include my colleague? I would never dream of asking him to socialize with me at home, but since we will be on this trip together, I wonder if it would be inappropriate not to include him…?

Forgive me if this is a silly question; I very rarely travel for business, and in the past, I’ve always gone alone.

N. N., Toronto, Ontario, Canada

A. This isn’t an all or nothing situation. You don’t have to include him in every activity. However, you might consider asking him to join you for one of the evenings. It would be the polite and friendly thing to do. Check with your friends first so you don’t spring him on them as a complete surprise. Identify with them ahead of time one evening you could include him. At the start of the trip you could ask him: “Jim, I have some friends I plan on seeing each evening. I wondered if you might like to join us for dinner one evening? Tuesday would be really good.” If Jim accepts, then you know it was a good idea to include him for one evening’s activity. You may even end up finding out he’s really a nice guy who could be a good friend and colleague to know at work. If he declines, at least you’ve made the effort to be friendly. Either way, by asking him for one evening, you don’t need to be concerned further about not including him the other evenings. You’ve also let him know your plans so there’s no awkwardness at the end of each day about having to explain your plans that don’t include him.

I’ve been on business trips with people numerous times and have never felt put out if a person makes plans during down time to see friends rather than spend time with me. So go ahead, make your plans and try to make it possible for Jim to join you for one evening.

I have a team member who constantly talks over me. I am her boss and am sometimes trying to communicate important information. I can tell that she is insecure, and she has admitted to being the middle child of 7 (that supposedly contributed to this behavior). I am sometimes in a hurry and basically frustrated at the situation. How can I politely ask her to quit interrupting when I am speaking? Usually by the end of our one-way conversation, I change my mind about speaking with her entirely. She is a sweet person and works very hard, so I hate to give up on her so quickly.

N.M., Germantown, TN

Being a boss isn’t easy. As the boss you have to deal with personnel and personality problems, and no one likes doing that. But for the sake of harmony in the workplace, it has to be done, and you’re it. In your case the person being affected by a worker’s behavior isn’t another worker, it’s you. You’re dealing with the emotions of being frustrated by a colleague as well as the angst of having to talk to that person as her boss about her behavior. That double whammy makes it difficult, but, like it or not, talk with her you must. So before you consider “giving up on her,” you should first let her know there is a problem and give her the opportunity to change. Frankly, I’m not at all sure she has any idea that what she is doing is annoying you.

It’s best to have this conversation in private. Calling her out in front of others will put the focus on why you are embarrassing her rather than on her inappropriate behavior. After the next incident, wait about five minutes, then seek her out and ask her to meet with you. In the meeting explain that while you appreciate her enthusiasm and contribution, she may not realize that she is interrupting you at times when you really want to be able to complete your message. You would appreciate it if she would wait until you finished having your say before she jumps in with comments of her own.

Then, the next time she starts interrupting you, stop her and say, “Jane, please hold your thought until I’m finished.” Do it with authority, but not in an angry or frustrated tone. Be firm and continue with your message. If she still doesn’t get the message, then you can meet with her again to let her know this continued behavior will have an adverse effect on her job.

By the way: First child, middle child, last child–it’s not an excuse for her behavior. She’s a grown-up now. Treat her like one.

This weekend I had the opportunity to meet the fiancée of my husband’s business partner. We hadn’t met before because she recently had her second baby and is understandably busy. Unfortunately, by the time I met her, she was “three sheets to the wind” as my mother phrases it. Imbibing doesn’t bother me, but probably explains her actions. For the next half hour, she proceeded to tell me how much she always hated me and why (yes, the word “hate” was used multiple times). As I sipped my diet coke (I was DD), I heard all about my perceived flaws and how angry I have made her. The point of the conversation was to tell me that she no longer hates me, but did because of some things she thought I’d said. As it turns out that I did not say them or they were misinterpreted, she thinks the world of me and looks forward to spending more time with me. During the time I mostly nodded my head and drained my glass.

I know none of us are on our best behavior when inebriated, but I also believe that true feelings can come out during this time. I was extremely uncomfortable during this encounter but didn’t put her off because I don’t want my husband’s business partnership to suffer. As it stands, I simply would rather spend minimal time with her in the future. I also wonder, however, if I should let this slide as I realize I’m far from perfect when drinking – perhaps I shouldn’t rush to judge. Still, I was hurt that someone would hate me before even meeting me, based upon statements taken out of context, and then would tell me all about her hatred toward me. I’ve never dealt with this before.

What do you suggest?

K. Potts

You can wallow in the past or live in the future. I’d choose to live in the future. Being drunk shouldn’t be an excuse for her poor behavior, but it is an explanation for poor judgment on her behalf—giving you the blow by blow of her old and new feelings about you. It’s what you do with her revelation that matters.

Give her the benefit of the doubt that in a more sober state she wouldn’t run off at the mouth the way she did, and that she means it when she says she thinks the world of you and wants to spend more time with you. You don’t have to be her best friend, but being a friend will certainly be good for your husband’s partnership, and it may end up being a good thing for you, too. Good luck.

Q. At my former job we shared computers. I worked the overnight shift while employed there. On several occasions when I got to the computer I was going to use that evening, the person before me had not logged out of the system. If it was slow, I would peek at that person’s emails. What could be done to me? The employer did not have a policy against this, only that the email system was for work related mail not personal.

A. You do say it was at your former job, and I wonder if your employment status is related to your question. Colleagues share offices, desks, computers, refrigerators and more, hoping for honesty, and professional courtesy from others. Organizations set policies to help people understand what they are accountable for and to help people make good decisions in areas which might be confusing. Policies don’t typically cover life lessons learned much earlier, so I wouldn’t expect to see a specific policy against accessing other people's mail.

The person who used the computer before you made a mistake and did not log out. This was careless, and unprofessional. There are many situations like this that may tempt some people to “peek”. You might find yourself with the opportunity to look at what is on someone’s computer screen, or at papers left on a copier, or papers on a desk showing headlines that you can easily read upside down.

We are faced with these ethical dilemmas frequently. You had a choice to read on, or to protect your colleague from his or her forgetfulness. In your situation I would advise logging your colleague out of the system, and posting a reminder to log out so that you can eliminate any temptation a repeat situation might bring.

You asked what could be done to you as a result of your actions. That suggests to me that you know reading emails meant for another person is not only unprofessional, it is just plain wrong. What can happen to you as a result of reading information not intended for you, can range from termination, to a written warning, to an angry colleague. Your colleague may also face repercussions. If you choose to do something with the information you gained, based on what kind of information it is, the penalties can be more severe.

Many people have become immune to the concept of computer security in the office, as they are surrounded by trusted colleagues, and systems which typically go dark in just minutes. Though we may complain about the scores of usernames and passwords we need, it’s best not to become someone else’s ethical dilemma.

How do I say NO to a request to be the party planner extraordinaire at work? I used to enjoy helping to coordinate the office potlucks, but lately it’s way too much of a hassle and not enjoyable at all. I’m sick of the complainers, the ones that decline and state that they don’t wish to contribute yet freely help themselves to the buffet, etc. It really bothers me, and now I am really discouraged and no longer wish to be the one that collects the money, runs around town buying items, cooking for hours the night before the event, carting everything to work, making multiple trips from the parking lot into the office with all the food and supplies, etc. How do I say NO when the bosses ask me to do this next time?
L. F., Buffalo, NY

It’s really not a question of if you say “No,” it’s when you say it that matters. Just imagine the following: Your boss has no inkling that you are pulling your hair out organizing events or that employees are at best lukewarm about participating. So when he asks you to organize the next event, he is expecting the usual positive response. Instead he hears a vehement “No” followed by your litany of reasons for declining the task. His excitement about having an event he thinks is well appreciated is dashed. Assuming he doesn’t then tell you to do it anyway, he’s left with the added hassle of finding another employee to take it on at the last minute.

Imagine instead that you ask to meet with your boss well before the next event. At the meeting you explain the problems you are having: The events are difficult to organize. The employees don’t seem to appreciate them or the company or the boss for having them. They even bemoan having to attend. You suggest that the company take a hiatus from having events because of the lack of employee interest. You and he go on to discuss the pros and cons of the events and the demands they put on you at work and the extra effort you put in on your own time. He would like the events to continue, so you raise the options of other people being tasked to organize them or at least to assist you. Now, take what you just imagined and put it into practice.

By approaching your boss about a problem and offering a solution and by doing it at a time other than when he already has his mind set on having another event, you have the best chance of changing the situation and looking like a problem solver rather than a problem creator.

Q: I am a new supervisor. I recently began the hiring process for a position which now reports to me. I have a question that I am embarrassed to ask anyone here. Several candidates have completed our company’s employment application in a very sparse way, answering some but not all of the questions. They often will write “see resume” or “see attached” particularly in the sections which ask about the candidate’s employment history. I am not sure if this is acceptable. Candidates often attach a resume to the application form. Do you have an opinion about this?

A: Great question. Let’s start off by discussing the purpose of an employment application. The purpose of an employment application is to collect and document job-related information about a candidate. If used, an employment application should be given consistently to all candidates for a specific position.

Resumes are usually developed by a candidate. The main purpose of a resume is to showcase a candidate's background and skills in the most positive light. There is no requirement to include all positions held or even accurate information. Some candidates will omit negative information, like a position from which they were terminated.

Most companies that use an employment application are looking for detailed and consistent information about a candidate. Often an employment application form will include “fine print” on the bottom or top of the form. The “fine print” discusses that the information provided should be truthful and complete. It may even explain that a candidate could be terminated if the information provided is not complete or truthful, regardless of when this misinformation is discovered.

Your instincts are on target. You should require all candidates to complete the employment application form. A resume may contain inaccurate or incomplete information. When a candidate signs an employment application, the candidate is agreeing that this form contains truthful and accurate information.

I would suggest explaining to candidates, in advance, that you require all candidates to complete the employment application fully. You can encourage candidates to submit a resume also but be clear that the completed employment application is required. I have even had to say “please don’t enter explanations like ‘see resume’ on the employment application form.”

Good luck in your new position!

I am a small business owner with only two employees (myself and my business partner). We have a "no soliciting" policy and even display no soliciting signs on our door. Either the solicitors ignore them, or acknowledge the sign and say "I'm going to solicit you anyway." This has actually happened several times. A simple "we don’t accept solicitations" seems like it should work, but it never does. Often, the solicitor puts their hand out to shake mine. I am a germophobe and find this to be an affront to my personal space, especially when the person knows that I have no interest in what they are selling. My partner and I are both no-nonsense, but find it hard to be rude and say something along the lines of "Again, no, and get out" which seems to be the only thing that works. What do you think?

A. W., Seattle, WA

Over the years I have had unsolicited sales people come to my businesses. Invariably my answer to them was "Thanks for stopping by. I can’t talk now. Please send me information. Here’s my card." I would then open the door for them to leave. It worked every time.

Certainly, I agree with you that just because someone is rude to you, that doesn’t mean you can or should be rude to them in return. Two wrongs don’t make a right. There is a difference, however, between being rude, and being firm. In my book, "Get out" is rude; a firm "Please leave now" is not. The next time the unstoppable solicitor enters your business and starts his spiel or insists on speaking with you, in a firm and pleasant voice say something like, "Excuse me, you do not have an appointment, you are interrupting my work day, and I do not have time to talk with you. Now please leave. I have work to do."

Once he has left, contact the company he works for and lodge a complaint about his tactics and inform his boss you do not want to have anyone from the company visit you again.

In spite of the fact I advise people to shake hands when a person reaches out to shake, in your case I would make an exception (germophobe or not and that’s a topic for another column). By not shaking you are clearly saying, "No, I am not acknowledging you." In the end run, you need to be firmer than the solicitor. Good luck.

Q: I have never seen this question in this column before. I am a hiring manager of a growing company. We are selectively adding to our team of engineers. Because of the economy, we have many qualified candidates from which to choose. Sometimes we narrow down the pool of candidates to a few final candidates and then select one that we think will best fit with the team. I have had to turn down many strong candidates. One candidate though has been a bit too overzealous in her follow-up. I often suggest to a strong candidate (who may have been turned down) to follow-up with me periodically. And most candidates will email me every few weeks if they are still interested and looking for a job. This is fine. However, recently, I had a candidate who called me 2-3X per week since May, 2011. Then she will email me minutes later saying that I have not returned her call. Her tone will be aggressive and demanding. She has asked our receptionist for my cell number saying that she has trouble reaching me. Once she even stopped by our reception desk and left a small gift for me. The last straw was that she found me on Facebook and has asked that I “friend” her. I am getting nervous about this woman. She is behaving in a way that is too forceful. I no longer will consider her for our next position. What can I do?

A: Thanks for your question and I can almost feel your anxiety as I read (and re-read) your question. I have run across a few candidates with similar behavioral traits. Simply said, these behaviors can be frightening.

You should put this candidate on notice that her follow-up behavior is beyond what is acceptable. Maybe you did not specify how frequently she should follow-up with you (e.g., once per week or once per month?) or what method (e.g., email or voicemail or only if you have seen a position posted on our website?). However, she has gone beyond what most would consider reasonable and professional limits.

I would suggest emailing this candidate a clear message. The email could read like this:

Mary, I have received all of your emails, voicemails and even a gift from you. I think your follow-up has been excessive. Please discontinue contacting me. I wish you the very best in your job search.

Sending an email provides a “paper trail” of evidence that unquestionably communicates to Mary that her behavior should stop. It may be helpful to have a copy of this email if you ever have to file a complaint against her.

If Mary’s behavior continues, you should consider further action to protect yourself and others in your company and family. If you have building security, I would notify them. You may also want to notify the local police. Stalking and harassment are against the law in Massachusetts.

Q. I have worked for a law firm in a small town for 6 years now, and I’m ready for a change. I have been looking for a job for almost a year now and just came across one I’m really excited about, but the new attorney is very good friends with one of my current attorneys. New guy says he would love to hire me, but he is afraid of harming his friendship with my current boss. We agreed neither of us would tell anyone, but we don’t know how to handle this so that everyone is happy. My current boss is “all business”, and I don’t think he’ll be heartbroken or all that surprised that I want to leave, but how can I be sure that he won’t be mad at his friend? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

A. I., Asheville, NC

A. You’ll never be sure he won’t be mad at his friend, but that shouldn’t stop you from doing the right thing. The best route you and New Guy can go is to let Current Boss know what is going on. You’re fortunate that Current Boss is “all business” and is not likely to be upset with you or let the situation harm his relationship with New Guy. You should approach Current Boss ASAP and say something like: “Thanks for seeing me. As you know I’ve been here for six years. I have really enjoyed my time here and appreciate all you’ve done for me. Recently, I began keeping my eyes open for new opportunities, and one has turned up that whether it happens or not, you should know about. New Guy has an opening at his firm. I’m interested in it and wanted to be sure to tell you about it before you heard it from anyone else.” The key here is you want him to hear the news from you and not a third party source. If you just accept the offer from New Guy the cats out of the bag anyway, and you and he look like you were trying to hide something.

Your big mistake is agreeing not to tell anyone. It may have seemed like it was the best solution, but it really is a subterfuge. The problem with subterfuge—the white lie or anything else you care to call it—is getting caught is much worse than dealing with the situation in an honest way to begin with. Unfortunately, the time you really don’t want to get caught—the time the consequences will be very unpleasant—will be the time you will get caught. Best bet: Come clean right away so you can complete your work with Current Boss on a positive note, begin working for New Guy with a clean conscience, and give New Guy the best chance of maintaining his personal relationship with Current Boss.

Q. I am wondering what's the unspoken etiquette for applying back to the same company after being laid off. My girlfriend was laid off from a small start-up company, and the reason was the company couldn't keep her during this recession. Her boss/president told her that when the business picks up he would contact my girlfriend. This was 6 months ago.

Out of curiosity, I checked this company's website recently and found they are hiring. What does it mean that the former boss has not contacted my girlfriend? Her review shortly before the layoff was good, and I don't believe there was any animosity. Should I tell my girlfriend and encourage her to apply? Or does not being asked to return indicate that she is not welcomed, thus no need to waste her time and energy for it? We are getting financially desperate at this point.

Thank you so much for your help.

Anonymous

A. Yes, you should tell your girlfriend what you have learned, and yes, she should apply. The situation reminds me of the age-old adage: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

At this point what you know is your girlfriend was laid-off six months ago. You also know she received a good review and didn't perceive any negative vibes while she worked there. And you have discovered they are hiring again. What you don't know is why they haven't contacted her, and you'll never know if she doesn't contact them.

Sometimes I think we spend far too much time trying to second guess other people's motives and end up torpedoing ourselves in the process. If your girlfriend simply assumes they don't want her to apply or work there, then she'll never know if her assumption is correct or incorrect. The only way she'll know is to apply. Really, what is the worst that can happen? She doesn't get the job. On the other hand, she may discover they really did like her and want her back.

Your situation is a good reminder to employers to act on what they tell employees. If an employer indicates they will remain in touch and let a person know when a job opening occurs, then they should follow up. By doing what they say they'll do, employers create a positive image of themselves and their company, and that can only help them both in recruiting and in retention. That said, I would give your girlfriend's employer the benefit of the doubt and not read anything specifically negative into the fact that they haven't contacted her. They might have simply assumed she's gotten another job.

Q. I am hoping you can help with a sticky situation related to temping. I took an assignment with an employer seven weeks ago whose end was contingent on the hiring of a full-time staff person for the position. I got the “have no expectations, this is not a temp-to-perm” speech my first day, and I was fine with that. But two weeks later my boss (the President) decided my resume had to be included in the candidate pool. I demurred at some length about conflicts of interest, but she pushed the issue. I interviewed. I am fairly certain I was not their selection, but have no concrete confirmation of this. In the meantime, time is passing, and I have other prospective opportunities in the works. And my kid needs to go to the dentist before school starts. Given that we’ve “crossed the streams” here, and that this is a profoundly touchy and emotional workplace, how do I ask for an end-of-assignment date politely and professionally?

TD, Pensacola, FL

A. Asking for an end-of-assignment date really has nothing to do with the issue of your job search. It has to do with having concrete information on which to base your next step in employment. When pursing your “other prospective opportunities” you need to know when your current work ends, so you can honor your commitment to your current boss and let prospective employers know when you’ll be available. Touchy and emotional do not matter, and it’s not that hard to find out what you need to know politely. Simply ask to speak with your boss. “Jane, thanks for talking with me. I asked to see you because I would like to establish a definitive end date for my work with you on the project.” You can even follow up by suggesting a specific date. “Would two weeks from today be sufficient time to wrap things up?” You can also use the conversation as an opportunity to seek closure on your application for the permanent position. You can either ask if a decision has been made, or, if you are convinced you really don’t want to work for your boss beyond your current project, you can explain that as your situation has changed (no further explanation is needed) that you are no longer a candidate for the position.

The bottom line here is: Don’t let your boss drive your bus. She’s not in charge of your employment decisions, you are. You’ve applied at her request and she hasn’t provided an answer in a timely fashion. In the meantime you have pursued other possibilities, and those may involve working with someone with whom you’d prefer to work. You need to know when you’ll be free to move on.

I am working the summer before I go to college at a pizzeria. I got the job
at the pizzeria through my best friend, who already worked there and told me they needed another person, and recommended me to the owner. She works more hours a week than me, and since I have a second job while she doesn’t, I feel that this is reasonable. However, the owner wants to increase our hours. Discussing this, my friend wants to take the overwhelming majority of hours (approx. 18) and leaving me with 2 additional hours. I’ve mentioned this concern to her, but she has defended herself by saying that she really needs the money for college. So do I. The owner is understandably reluctant to intervene (teenage girls can be a mess to deal with) so I’m left on my own preserving the job and friendship. Is there a way to tactfully negotiate a more equitable distribution of working hours?

Anonymous

In a nutshell, the problem is the boss. The solution, therefore, is the boss. The boss does the hiring, the firing, and the scheduling. The boss should be allocating the hours worked by each employee. Not to do this sets up exactly the kind of situation you find yourself in: two employees vying for and having to decide who gets to do what. And that is a formula for confrontation and stress.

Suggest to your friend that together you ask the boss to mediate the situation. It’s the only way you can resolve it without either damaging your friendship or salvaging the friendship but feeling that you are getting the short end of the stick.

If the boss continues to put the decision onto you and your friend’s shoulders, then the two of you need to sit down and hash it out. Before you engage in that conversation, think through what would be an equitable split. Twenty hours equates to two and one-half days of work. A split of two hours and eighteen hours seems lopsided. But given that you want to maintain a relationship with your friend and you already have a second job, realistically, how much additional time can you take on? Before you start the conversation have a solution in mind. For instance: Would one extra day be enough for you given that you already have some hours and a second job? Whatever you think would be an equitable split, be specific and positive when you engage your friend: “Marge, you’re my close friend, and I don’t want anything like these extra hours to come between us. I’ve been thinking about how we might handle divvying up the hours. Would it work for you if I got eight hours and you got twelve? That would be one extra day for me while you’d get a day and a half or twelve hours. What do you think?”

Good luck.

Q: I work in a growing technology company. Before this company, I worked at a larger technology company. After working here several months I have begun to realize that there are lots of personal and familial relationships which seem to interfere with how we run this business. I just discovered that the Chairman of the Board is a childhood friend and fraternity brother of a senior executive. They often share stories of the “good old days.” Also, two senior leaders are married to each other. Our CFO has a son that works in sales. I think favoritism and personal relationships are impacting how we run our business. This would have never been allowed at my last company. Is this normal for small companies? It is so odd. It seems incestuous. I feel like I am at a disadvantage because I don’t have any internal connections.

A: Personal and business relationships in the workplace sometimes don’t mix. Sometimes just the appearance of a conflict of interest can spark suspicions about favoritism or impartiality.

Often companies will institute a conflicts of interest policy and/or a hiring of friends and relatives policy. These policies specify what is acceptable, but also, more importantly, what is not acceptable. In some companies, these are very strictly interpreted while other companies are more lax. Some small companies don’t have such policies but the CEO or other senior-level person will put a stop to conflicts or personal relationships that can impair independent decision-making.

Sometimes even relationships outside of the company can interfere with how a company runs. Some companies avoid external vendors who might have internal personal relationships with decision-makers within a company. As an example, ABC, Inc. may not allow DEF, Inc. provide professional tax services to ABC because a senior partner of DEF is related to a board member of ABC.

Often times, many of my clients prohibit hiring relatives of employees, officer, Directors or Trustees for certain positions. The role and the reporting relationship(s) are evaluated as part of the decision to permit the employee to be hired. Even household members are sometimes considered family member, especially with respect to a supervisory/employee relationship. Some of the policies that I have reviewed even state that close personal friendships may also interfere with impartiality and should be avoided in some cases. Finally, many of my clients have such policies because personal relationships do interfere with company business.

My husband works with several single ladies. We both are uncomfortable with the single ladies text messaging him about non-work related matters. How can he communicate this boundary without being rude? Should he just not respond or should he say something?

B. G., Gholson, TX

That’s awkward. Certainly, simply not responding would be rude. People resent being ignored and not responding to a text message is the equivalent of ignoring the sender.

Are the text messages innocuous ramblings? If they are, he can try responding with a simple “Thanks for the message” or “Got it”. While it may not stop the messages, it also doesn’t encourage further “conversation”. He can also wait a day or two before responding. While I recommend that most messages should be responded to within 24 hours, by waiting he shows he is not interested in a continued text message conversation.

If the messages are in the form of a question, he’s got more of a dilemma. Not answering would be rude, but answering engages him in a conversation that could continue back and forth numerous times. At this point he does need to say something. He also needs to say something if the texts are inappropriate or provocative. The key is to do it tactfully. “Jane, thanks, I got your text. In the future I’d appreciate it if we kept text messages to work matters only. That would really help me stay focused on my job while I’m here, and on my family during off-hours. Thank you.”

The more I travel and teach, the more convinced I am that texting is becoming a bigger and bigger issue in the office. Receiving personal phone calls is a big enough problem,but at least it is easy for others at work to see it happening. Personal texting at work is a game changer because it is so easy to do it without being caught. Businesses are recognizing the cost in reduced productivity, and they will not stand idly by. Personal calls, texts, emails, IM’s – not to mention non-business web browsing and sneak peeks at social network updates are becoming commonplace in the workplace, and companies are initiating crackdowns. Even if your company doesn’t have a “rule,” if you make or receive personal calls or text messages, others including your boss, will notice, and it will not do your image or future success any good.

The best option for workers with smart phones and cell phones is to turn them off or put them on vibrate and not respond unless it is a legitimate business call or text message. Use break time and lunchtime to respond- that’s your time. While at work, your focus should be on your work.

Q: I just joined a company after six months of unemployment. I had some reservations about joining this company but job opportunities aren’t exactly plentiful in my field. I took the job and started about a month ago. Here is the problem: it is commonplace, almost encouraged to swear and rant and rave all the time. My boss is the worst. It is incredibly offensive. He will yell profanities. I have counted and sometimes he swears more than 20 times per day. And not “under your breath” mumbling profanities. Instead, these are extremely loud profanities. It doesn’t seem to even faze him when employees run out of his office when he starts his tirade. No one seems even willing to report this to HR. HR is on a different floor and rarely visits our department.

A: Often the senior-most leader in the department, company or business unit sets the tone for culture. If this person works long hours, others feel compelled to work long hours. If this person is forthright and candid, others see that behavior and understand that is how business is conducted. If this person swears a lot, others think that this is acceptable behavior. Often times, employees will model this behavior (whether positive or negative) thinking that this behavior may help advance their careers.

It sounds like your manager sets the tone for your department. Your manager’s behavior could be interpreted as harassment, especially if this behavior occurs on a regular basis. Your company could be held liable for his behavior.

It is unclear to me why employees would not contact your HR department. I understand that some employees may feel like they have to suffer through this behavior. They may not want to “rock the boat.” Instead, they would rather put their heads down and endure the yelling. Some might even be happy that they have a job. You are right -- jobs in some industries are scarce now. The instability of this economy leads many employees to avoid confrontation and just try to ignore inappropriate behavior. I call this the “gopher syndrome.” Employees will retreat to their “holes” to avoid and hopefully survive.

You could request that a member of your HR team periodically visit your department. Ask that an HR representative be more visible with “open eyes and open ears.” Hopefully, the member of the HR team will directly observe one of your manager’s tirades.

Confronting hostile behavior is difficult and can be uncomfortable. However, you and your colleagues should be able to work in a respectful environment. If this behavior continues, I would suggest trying to talk to a colleague about approaching HR together. You could also consider submitting your concerns in a confidential memo.

I work in a VERY casual construction management office. It includes the owner, his daughter, and me. The daughter of the owner and I are concerned with the image that the owner is representing to our customers and vendors. Whenever we need to get paid or are being asked for money from our vendors, the owner starts telling them how broke we are, how much money he didn’t make last year, his credit card got cut off, anything. It works sometimes to expedite a payment from a customer or hold off vendors for a while, but we feel like eventually our customers and vendors will not want to work with someone who is constantly out of money. How can we tell him that this is inappropriate? What else could he say? (If it helps to clarify, in the construction industry, our contracts state that we do not get paid until the general contractor gets paid, who has to wait until the owner of the property pays them. Our vendors follow a strict net thirty-day schedule. So, even if we haven’t been paid for the work we’ve completed, we’re expected to pay for the materials and labor).

M. M., Richmond, VA

Something seems unusual here. The general contractors I’ve talked to about this situation indicate that when they subcontract work to a firm like yours, they are on the hook to pay you in a specified time regardless of whether they are paid by the client or not, just as your company is responsible to pay any suppliers or sub-contractors you engage on their net thirty-day terms. They also indicate that companies should have the financial wherewithal to cover paying a vendor. That can involve keeping cash reserves or a line of credit. As the client, I’ve paid general contractors at regular intervals through the job so the general contractor could make timely payments to his subs.

The etiquette part of the question involves the tactics your boss is using to delay payment or to induce payment. I fear you are right, and the general contractors I’ve talked to say you are right. If he plays this “poor” card repeatedly, vendors will tire of constantly being put off. Once in a while is one thing, but repeatedly complaining and delaying will become a problem. Nobody wants to do business with a whiner.

It’s time for you and his daughter to talk with him. The conversation has to be conducted in a calm manner and be focused on the concern you have for the welfare of the business. Start the conversation by explaining that you have the best interests of the business in mind. Then bring up your concern that if he continues to present an image of being cash-strapped, your business may be hurt both by vendors who don’t want to do business with him and by general contractors who won’t want to hire him. Be ready to examine what is necessary for the business to meet payments to vendors and what is reasonable to expect in terms of payments from general contractors. Good luck.

I went for a job interview this morning that was set up by a contract agency; I even showed up ten minutes early. They were interviewing another candidate. I waited until 25 minutes AFTER my scheduled time (a total of 35 minutes). I emailed the contract agency to advise them of the situation and then left. They called me when I got home to find out what was going on; but they really only seemed to be interested in the fact that their guy walked out and did not seem to understand or be interested in the principle behind my actions.

I feel that the interviewer could’ve at least come out to offer a time frame that I would be seen or an opportunity to reschedule. I felt that the employer had no regard for my time, and this was only an interview…what if I actually was hired by the company?

Is there a better way to handle such a situation? I feel that if I tolerate any degree of disrespect in an interview, either from a contract agency or an employer, then it will be an open door for it to continue.

R. K. H., Richmond, VA

How frustrating! Interviewers have a responsibility to manage their schedules and be on time. In spite of the interviewer’s breach of etiquette, and assuming you didn’t have another appointment that would be affected by the delay, by choosing to wait you would’ve learned a lot about this company from the way they handled their error. In the meantime, you could’ve asked the receptionist or administrative assistant who greeted you:

• if you had the right time for your appointment
• if the interviewer was aware of your arrival
• what the delay was
• if you were expected to wait or reschedule

If you absolutely had to leave, you could’ve communicated that, politely, to the receptionist. Despite the poor first impression this company’s staff has made on you, while you were still in the interview process, you had a chance to be a successful candidate. As you’ve discovered, by up and leaving it became all about your perceived lack of professionalism rather than about their lack of respect. Unfortunately, that’s how the contract agency sees the situation as well, and it may affect your success with landing future interviews. The better move may have been to stay and complete the interview and then pass along your dissatisfaction to the contract agency. Your case would’ve been much stronger if you made sure that you did all the things expected of you.

I am a believer that the job interview is a two-way street: you’re interviewing the company to see if it’s a place you want to work just as much as the company is interviewing you. There’s no question that the way a company treats a potential employee in the interview process says a lot about the culture of that company and how you can expect to be treated if you accept a job offer.

Q. One of my colleagues tosses her trash into my wastebasket (near the opening to my cubicle) as she walks by every day. She doesn't even break stride, she just tosses as she passes by. What's wrong with her basket in her cube (6 feet away) is a mystery. This behavior is odd but hardly actionable... until this morning. I find her most recent toss missed, and her soiled paper towel is *next to* my wastebasket. I placed the item in the basket and then used some hand sanitizer. How am I supposed to respond? I am not going to literally clean up after her again.

A. Open work areas can pose some challenges, and people with a lack of awareness of other people, or boundaries often need the obvious pointed out to them. An easy answer might be to move your wastebasket away from the opening to your cube. I know it is aggravating to change your preferred location, and the cleaning people might not appreciate the loss of access, but it may lead to a great way to begin a conversation that will eliminate communal trash.

As she proceeds to stride by, and begin her toss, we will hope she notices the basket is not there. She may ask where it is, and you can say “I moved it so people don't use it, as they miss and I don't want to pick up other people's trash. And I don't want someone's smelly lunch in there either, so I am helping you, and other people break the habit of using my basket.”

The work environment is full of petty annoyances. If you can ignore them, please do. If not, the sooner you put an end to them, even if people wonder why you care whose trash goes into your bin, the better. A light hearted comment about her being one of the many basketball players looking at lock out might be appropriate, as her aim is clearly missing.

People in cubicles and more open work areas need to be VERY considerate about a host of behaviors including voice volume and nose blowing and TOTALLY considerate about not participating in other behaviors including grooming (NO nail clipping!) and other bodily functions. All these issues should not need human resources policies, but do need a considerate and assertive workforce.

I have been training at a new job for 5 weeks now. The trainer is not very organized and has put no effort or thought into this process. Many people have been asking me how the training is going. What is a good response? Some of the closer co-workers know it is not going well, but others have no clue. What is a tactful way to answer their question, especially if the person asking is from higher up in the company? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

A. S., De Pere, WI

Best advice? Don’t say anything disparaging about the training or the trainer, as no good will come of it. At five weeks into your job, you’re not yet in a position to criticize and this isn’t the time to start rocking the boat. The trainer has been there lots longer than you and is probably a person of higher status. In spite of what you think, it’s likely someone at the company thinks the trainer is doing a good job. Unfortunately, from a statistics standpoint, complaining is not likely to get you very far because higher-ups tend to be protected at the expense of the workers doing the complaining.

I’m concerned that you may be treading on thin ice. Your comment about “some of the closer workers know it’s not going well” implies that you already have spoken to some people about your perception of the training. While you may think those close workers have your back and would never do anything to harm you, they may unintentionally let slip what you have said to them. And if those opinions get back to the trainer or your boss, you may find yourself having to explain your complaints. No matter how poor a job the trainer may actually be doing, it’s not your job to talk about it to your co-workers. In essence, what you’re conveying is your opinion, aka hearsay or gossip.

Therefore, non-committal answers may be the best way for you to answer people who ask how the training is going: “It’s tough but I’m getting through it.” Or “Thanks for asking. It’s different than what I expected. I’ll be glad when I can get to work doing what I came here to do.” It really doesn’t matter if the person asking is higher up or not. The answer is still the same.

Once you’ve been at the company for a period of time, say a year, and if you still feel strongly that the training you received was inadequate, then you might approach your boss with your observations and offer some suggestions on how to improve the program, without in any way disparaging the trainer.

Q. I am an OK golfer (informal 30 handicap) and I am relatively new to a company where golf is a part of many business functions. I have never been at a level where I was invited to participate in golf events until now. My male colleagues attend charity events, accept invitations from clients, and initiate outings as well. I haven’t seen this from my women colleagues yet, and I’m not sure how to approach anyone with how this works. Do I tell people I golf? How good do I really need to be to golf for work? What are the rules around golf as a work day, and how can I make sure I don’t lose credibility or clients?

A. Your question is important in today's business world. Golf has become a global relationship builder in business settings where social activity is added. Company outings, and professional associations offer great chances to network, and you want to make sure you take these opportunities. Companies do have corporate customs for golf as a business event, and how expenses are handled. You need to consult your manager about accepting invitations, and inviting guests to golf as well.

To gain expert insight, I consulted Maria Marino, a Class A Member of the LPGA, a teacher of LPGA Golf Clinics for Women, and a golf columnist. Maria counsels, “Establishing a handicap is a great start to incorporating golf into business. It is a great equalizer giving you the opportunity to play with any other skill level of golfer. This will give you the credibility you may feel you lack. Once you do that, accept every invitation that comes your way.

As a new ‘business’ golfer, pay attention to speed of play. No matter your skill level, if you do not hold up play, you will be welcome to play with anyone. When playing for fun, if you find you are taking too many strokes on a hole, just pick up the ball and cheer on your playing partners.”

Your knowledge of the rules of golf, and etiquette is an important part of play, just as it is in business. Be aware of, and follow the many details of golf etiquette and the rules. Every golfer will tell you they learn a great deal about people from their experience golfing with them. Make sure the message you deliver is one you would choose.

Marino suggests you also attend charitable events as a great way hone your social golf skills. Your local paper will most often have listings of community golf events. Your company may even have a cause they are committed to, which can benefit from a golf outing, or sponsorship.

“Golf as a business tool is indispensable”, Marino notes. “I have often said that business may not be conducted on the golf course but the relationships needed to make good business partners are.”

Q: My company is small and a bit disorganized. We are in start-up mode. I had worked in a much more formal company before. I am getting used to working in a more chaotic, but still fun environment. I like this new company a lot. I supervise a few entry-level people. All are great performers. I am a bit uneasy about how some of the employees dress in the spring and summer time. At my former company, HR would issue an email in April to provide guidance on this issue. And it was addressed in our employee handbook. How should I address it?

A: When the temperature climbs, I often receive inquiries regarding dress in the workplace. Warm weather often brings challenges in terms of professional dress, even in the most casual environments.

Let’s start by first finding out if there is a company dress code or guidelines in place. There may be a policy or established guidelines that you may not be aware of. Ask another supervisor or the person who handles some of the Human Resources (HR) tasks.

If no policy exists, talk to your manager about establishing some guidelines. If you are struggling with the issue, it is probably reasonable to assume that other supervisors might also be facing this challenge.

I talked to an 11-year old dress code expert, my daughter. In some cases, our schools do a better job of articulating guidelines than companies do. According to Haley Sinacole, a soon-to-be seventh grader, the guidelines that have been established at her school are based on the "Six Bs". What are the Six Bs? The Six Bs is an abbreviation for saying no to the following: bellies, butts, breasts, bras, boxers and backs. Some companies have adopted the Six Bs because it sends a message of flexibility but also some limits.

Some companies publish an even stronger dress code, including more specific requirements of what is acceptable and also what is not. Additionally some companies have guidelines for dress specifically targeting client-facing meetings or client-facing roles.

I am in a newly constructed open plan office with a communal kitchen. The acoustics project any conversation in the kitchen into the adjacent office space. A small group without desks in this space seemed unaware of this, so I labored over an email to say, as diplomatically as possible, to the lead of the group that she may want to tell them that their conversations are easily overheard. I wanted to let them know to avoid any embarrassment on their part for what was overheard. The next time two of them entered the kitchen, one said to the other in a sarcastic stage whisper “shhh…shhh. They can hear us”. I did hear them and felt upset at this reaction. Now it feels like a bigger deal that I don’t want to pursue, but nevertheless I’m sorely disappointed and still feel I was in the right. I fear reprisals, however and being considered unreasonable even though I truly don’t think this is unreasonable.

M. W., Melbourne, Australia

It’s so unfortunate that what started out as a simple considerate action on your part to let people know that conversations in the kitchen were being overheard has escalated into a relationship issue. It sounds like the real problem here is not your original message but the possible misinterpretation of your intent. The real culprit may be the way the message was delivered—by email.

Unfortunately, when you compose an email, people receiving it have no other clues (like body language or facial expressions or tone of voice) to help them understand your intent. Email is great for transmitting factual information: who, what, when where. But when it gets into issues that seem to be about judgment or opinion or belief—the why—without those additional clues, it’s easy for people to see the negative in the message.

At this point you have two options: you can do nothing and hope the situation blows over. Now they’ve had the chance to let you know they know that you can hear them, that may be the end of it. If, on the other hand, you want to proactively try to resolve the situation, it’s time to talk to the person to whom you wrote the email. Let her know you are concerned that your email may have been misinterpreted. You really only wanted to let them know how easily you and others can hear what’s being said in the kitchen and wanted them to know it before they said anything private or confidential. You hope she and her friends realize you only had their best interests at heart. To be successful in your conversation, try to be genuine and sincere, not accusatory or defensive in your tone, and inject a little humor if you can. Projecting a “no harm, no foul” attitude coupled with a smile may put the situation to rest. Good luck.

Q: In April, I had an informational interview scheduled with a friend of my cousin. I rarely drive into Boston and it causes me great anxiety when I do. I left plenty of time that morning but probably not enough time. Because of rain and highway construction delays, I never got there on time. I just turned around and came home. Now what do I do? I am so embarrassed that I really don’t want to admit what happened. Is it too late to send a note of apology? My cousin is irritated that I did this after he referred me to his friend.

A: We have all had those mornings when traveling to a location seems to be filled with hurdles, delays and hiccups. Here are some thoughts about how to best handle this in the future:

1. Think about scoping out the location, the route and the parking beforehand. Some people will even “take a dry run.” This means traveling to the location before your appointment to ensure that you know the area, the potential setbacks, parking options, etc. While this is often smart to do, you can not always anticipate traffic or weather delays. You should build in extra time for delays however. I often will use the 2X rule. If I expect a commute to take 30 minutes, I plan for a 60-minute commute.
2. Consider public transportation. Sometimes the stress of finding a parking spot, traffic delays, etc. can cause more hassle than the convenience of driving may be worth.
3. Don’t rely solely on a GPS for a new destination. I usually use both a GPS and a printed map.

If you are running late, it is a professional courtesy to call the person and ask if he or she can still meet. If not, offer another option.

In your specific situation, you should have called the person and explained that you were running late or needed to re-schedule. It is unacceptable to be a “no show” especially since you were referred by your cousin.

I would suggest apologizing to both your cousin and the person you were scheduled to meet. You made a mistake. I think it is important to acknowledge the mistake. You will have to decide whether it is worth it to reschedule this appointment. The other person may not give you a second chance. And if traveling to Boston provokes such feelings of anxiety on your end, it may be better for you to schedule conference calls with contacts in Boston.

Q. This is something I am really tired of. I have always been reserved and introverted, but I am a friendly, smiling person. Today at work (I work in a public place) I made eye contact with a patron and smiled,. She said to me, “Do you talk?” This is the same question I heard as an 8 -year old, a 15- year-old, and a 21-year old, and now at 28! I responded with “Yes, I talk” and then motioned to show that there had been nobody around me and said, “I have nobody to talk to at the moment.”

Why do people feel that this will make you more likely to suddenly become a chatterbox? Here’s the kicker: I am a chatterbox! Once I’m on the phone with a friend or in the company of my boyfriend or parents, I am constantly talking. I'm not a loudmouth in public, constantly spewing my opinion or making conversation with every single person I come across. Is there an even better response I could give to people who say these things?

J. M., Williston Park, N.Y.

FULL ENTRY

You're probably not sending photos of yourself, in your underwear, to strangers in Seattle, as a U.S. congressman admitted doing the other day.

It was "part of a joke," he said.

But have you ever said or done something offensive? And then, when people reacted negatively, claimed, "I was just joking."

The head of the NYC school system resigned recently after a bad joke (plus other mistakes). Overcrowded schools, she joked, could be fixed with birth control.

That joke contributed to a dismal approval rating of 17%.

Sigmund Freud, years ago, wrote a book on jokes. He believed jokes expressed dark impulses, like lust (the congressman's "joke") and aggression (the school chief's).

"Today, I've signed legislation," President Reagan joked, "that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

Reagan delivered that line in 1984 while testing a microphone before a radio address.

It was a terrible joke. Russia certainly didn't giggle. Their army went on alert (Wikipedia).

Now consider Reagan's best joke: "Honey, I forgot to duck," a line first used by the boxer Jack Dempsey after losing a fight.

The remarkable thing was not the joke, but Reagan's timing.

The 69th day of his presidency, he'd been shot, and was telling his wife about the assassination attempt. The bullet came within an inch of his heart.

If someone shot me, I'm not sure I'd respond by joking around.

Sometimes, I complain when I have a head cold, or if my back is a little stiff, so I can't see being overly cheerful if there were a bullet lodged near my heart.

Also there's the trauma. Someone shot me! With a gun! At the very least, my feelings would be hurt.

But not Reagan. He refused to take himself or his situation seriously—that's what his humor said. "I hope you're all Republicans," he joked with the surgeons.

Ok, so he wasn't hysterically funny. But the surgeons must have been impressed by his presence.

So was the country—Reagan's approval rating soared to 73%.

Tip: To lead, you don't need to be funny. You certainly don't need to tell jokes. But it helps to stay calm under pressure. And to stay clothed.

Otherwise, you risk becoming a joke.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. Hello. My question is on my awkwardness at the first “hello” in business situations. Do I handshake or hug? For example, this morning, I saw a business friend, and he hugged me. I usually wait for the other person to make the first move – either extending a hand or leaning in for a hug.
 I’ve looked through Emily Post’s Etipedia and found mostly that handshakes are recommended, but I live in an area where it seems hugging is allowed. Can you weigh in on the etiquette of such?

A. C., Bakersfield, CA

A. You are correct. In business, handshakes are recommended. Hugs and other overly familiar greetings should be reserved for people you know really well and can be sure won’t feel awkward.

For years I would visit an important client accompanied by the art director of the ad agency I ran. Every time we arrived at the client’s office he would shake my hand and then hug the art director. I know this made her uncomfortable because she would comment about it on the trip back to our office. Her discomfort at this overly friendly greeting is exactly why I recommend people stay with a basic handshake—a firm grip, two or three shakes, smile, look them in the eye, and be sure to say “Hello.” Stay away from the two-handed “How glad I am to meet you” greeting or grabbing the person’s forearm with your left hand while shaking with the right. Hugs, two-handed clasps, or forearm grips express closeness between friends, but can signal dominance when the person being greeted is a stranger or a subordinate. Fist bumps, high fives, and intricate handshakes should be reserved for good friends in non-business settings.

One of the best ways I know to avoid the hug is not to let the person move in close enough to actually hug you. For instance, you know Jim is a hugger, and you really don’t want him to hug you. Prepare yourself as he approaches to be firm in keeping him out of hugging range. As he gets close enough to shake hands, extend your hand out to him so he cannot avoid shaking it. Then instead of letting him push in close for the clutch, hold his hand firmly enough to keep him at arm’s length. He’ll feel the pressure of you pushing back against him. Your message will be loud and clear: shake my hand but don’t get closer. If you’re unsure about this move, practice it ahead of time with a colleague so you feel confident doing it the next time you greet Jim.

Q. I’ve been wondering about this question for a while. One of my colleagues left my firm a few years ago (maybe 3-4?) and asked if she could list me as a personal reference. I told her it was OK and willingly spoke with potential employers about her. Fast-forward to the current time, and she’s still listing me as a personal reference. I haven’t kept contact with this person, and I’m no longer comfortable being a personal reference. I’d appreciate hearing any hints on how I can relay that information to potential employers. I don’t know anything negative about this person, I just haven’t been in contact with her for a few years (and have no way of getting in contact with her now). Thanks.

J. C., Fairfax, VA

A. When all else fails, a little benevolent honesty goes a long way to solving a problem. Rightly so, as you have lost contact with this former colleague, your comfort level for providing a reference has diminished with the passage of time.

You have two options to solve the problem. Wait for the next company to call asking for a reference. Explain the situation to the caller, “Jim, while I’d like to give you some insight into Jane’s capabilities, the fact is I haven’t been in touch with her since she left ABC Corp four years ago. It’s been long enough since then that I’m uncomfortable answering your questions now. Would you please provide me with her current address so I can contact her to discuss this?” Or, you could contact the last company that called you and in a similar manner ask for Jane’s address so you can contact her. It’s important you make the effort to find Jane or you will continue to have to respond to companies seeking a reference from you about her.

As individuals build a network that includes people who are willing to provide references, it’s important to stay in touch with the people in the network. Do so not only when seeking a job, but also while you are on the job so your network participants know what you are doing and can speak about you from a position of current knowledge.

If, over time, you are still providing a person’s name as a reference, do yourself and the person the courtesy of re-asking their permission before simply providing their name as a reference. Otherwise you risk having the person tell the company he or she is no longer willing to give a reference, and that is not what you want your prospective employer to hear about you.

Q: I am a new supervisor. I am being besieged by the requests from my employees. Right now the hot button is vacation requests. Everyone wants to take the week after Independence Day off. It is impossible to grant everyone that week off. If I did, I would not have anyone in my department. What is the best way to handle such requests?

A: The onset of summer often brings these conflicts to the forefront. Here are some recommendations:

1. Find out what has been done historically in your department. If the former supervisor is available, ask him or her if any commitments may have already been made. Sometimes employees will request time off well in advance. It is important to understand certain special requests. Sometimes an employee may be getting married or have a cruise booked. Or an employee may have plans to attend a family reunion our of state.

2. Check any policies that your company may have with respect to vacation requests. There may be a company policy in place that provides some guidance on how to handle these requests.

3. Ask your employees to submit their vacation requests (in writing) in order of first choice, second choice, etc. Sometimes it may not be possible to honor all the first choices that are submitted. And you should be clear about that. By asking for these requests in writing as first choice, second choice, etc., you are implicitly saying that employees should submit their requests, but they are just that - requests.

4. Many companies use one of the following criteria to help them respond to these requests in a fair manner:
• First come, first served. By this I mean, those who submit their requests earlier are more likely to get their first choice of vacation week(s).
• Seniority. Often a date of hire is used to determine whose requests will be at the “top of the pile.”
• Names in a hat. I have some clients who put the names of the employees into a hat. The first name picked gets their top vacation week choices off.

Finally, there may be work-related commitments that prevent a certain group of employees (or even just one specific employee) from taking time off at a specific time. For example, if the company has a significant client deadline on July 15th, then the Independence Day week might be off-limits to those working toward this deadline.

Q. My male cousin just graduated from college and got his first job. He has been invited to one of his bosses’ weddings and does not know what an acceptable gift (or amount to spend) would be because he is paid off of commission and has not yet received much of that. Any suggestions?

R. G., Gulf Shores, AL

A. Let’s take a quick look at wedding gift etiquette.

Since your cousin received an invitation to his boss’s wedding, he is on the hook for a gift whether he attends or not. As with any gift, he’ll want to apply some general gift-giving guidelines.

He should choose something he thinks the couple will like, but equally as important, a gift should never exceed the capacity of the giver to afford it. In your cousin’s case he has just started a job, and he’s a on a tight budget. He should stick to his budget, even if that means all he can afford is twenty to twenty-five dollars.

Since he doesn’t really know his boss or the bride-to-be, he should check with the maid of honor or on the couple’s website to find out where the couple has registered. The couple’s registry will give him a general idea of their taste and style and have items at a variety of price points. He should be able to find a gift that fits his budget, and because it is on their registry, he can rest assured they will appreciate it.

If he can’t find out about the registry, or if he doesn’t wish to choose a gift from those suggestions, “safe” items could be a silver-plated picture frame, or a nice salt and pepper set for use when entertaining, or a pair of candlesticks. He could do some sleuthing to find out what hobbies, sports or travel interests the couple has and find an affordable coffee table book on the subject.

Your cousin’s situation causes a lot of angst because not only does he want to make sure he gives a gift he thinks is “appropriate,” he also has the added pressure that the gift is to his boss. The one solace: He’s not alone. Many employees and coworkers face the same dilemma. Bosses and coworkers issue these invitations in the mistaken belief that “We have to invite all the office staff.” No, they don’t.

Your cousin is a perfect example. He is relatively new to the company and doesn’t have a social relationship with the boss that would merit an invitation. A wedding is a time for family and friends to celebrate the nuptials. Unless a potential invitee is a friend in addition to being a work colleague, brides and grooms should resist the temptation to invite everyone at the office. They’ll end up not only doing themselves a favor, they’ll help those work colleagues like your cousin avoid the predicament he now finds himself in.

Q: Earlier this year, my employer announced that they were going to pay referral bonuses if we, the employees, referred candidates who get hired for an open position. I have several questions for you. Are these referral programs popular? What if I refer someone who is offered a job but is not hired? What if the employee is hired several months later? Should I still receive the bonus? Last question, what if my referral never gets a call from my employer?

A: Employee referral programs are often successful recruiting tools for many companies. Employee referral programs encourage current employees to refer qualified friends, colleagues, relatives or others for available positions within the company. Often times, the employee who has made the referral will be eligible for a “finder’s fee” if the referred candidate is hired for a position with the company. The company will likely establish guidelines and rules for the program. For example, only certain positions may be eligible for the financial reward. Or the monetary reward may be subject to a waiting period to ensure that the new employee is a good fit.

In response to your specific questions, employee referral programs are a successful recruiting tool and are often used when a company has several “hard to fill” opportunities. Hopefully your company acknowledges all employee referrals but honestly sometimes companyies underestimate the number of referrals that this type of program will generate. Often times, a referred resume will be retained in the event another position becomes available (assuming that the referral is not qualified for one of the existing openings). Your employer may offer you a reward if your referral is hired several months later, but it depends upon the rules that your company has established with respect to their employee referral program.

An employee referral program also sends a few additional messages to the employees of a company. One is that “we are hiring.” This is a positive message especially after the last few years of sluggish hiring. Two, is that "we want to reward employees who tap into their networks that these efforts should be rewarded." Three, "we think our employees are a good judge of talent." It is encouraging to hear that employers are using employee referral programs in 2011.

Q. I have recently started my own business and have business announcement cards to send out. I am a landscape architect, and I will be offering my professional services -- focusing on high-end residential architecture and design. I have accumulated a lot of business contacts from my previous job over the years including past clients, vendors, and other design professionals.

I have several questions regarding how to address the envelopes: Is it best to print the names and addresses on the envelopes digitally or by hand? I am usually very personal and hands on, so I would typically go with the hand-printed addresses, but I don’t want the recipient to view a handwritten address as unprofessional. Also, how do I address envelopes for past clients? These announcements will be sent to a home address. Do I include Mr. & Mrs. or is it better to leave the title off since this is a business related endeavor? If I’m sending to another business professional, do I include the name of the business first and then in care of or vice versa? With or without titles for the individual? Your help is greatly appreciated!!!!

A. D., Nashville, Tennessee

A. You’re on the right path. Because your new business is very much about you, the personal touch expressed by handwritten addresses on the business announcement envelopes is an appropriate way to go. I also think that hand-addressing the announcement plays into the recipient’s natural curiosity about what was important enough to warrant the effort of writing the address by hand. Finally, I see a difference in tone between a proposal or business letter and an announcement. All that said, it is important to remember that your handwriting represents you, and the image it conveys is important. Given that you are in the design field, I am assuming your penmanship is clear, strong and probably even has that look I associate with an architect’s writing. It’s amazing how many people comment to me, “My handwriting is terrible.” If that’s the case with you, then the printed envelope is the way to go. In any case, do not use printed labels, even the ones printed on clear backing, as they are less personal.

Address the envelopes using titles, first names and last names. If you know someone well, you can use the more familiar first name on a personal note that you can write on your announcement card or include separately. By the way, personal notes are a great way to engage the people you are sending announcements to. If sending the announcement to the home address of a former client, you do not need to include the significant other unless, of course, they are in business together. Finally, put the individual’s name on the first line and then the business name on the second line.

Q. My company doesn't have a moonlighting policy. So, can I work a second job outside the normal business hours as long as it doesn't interfere with my present employment? In the absence of any policy, I would rather do this quietly instead of having a debate with my managers and HR and risk my request getting denied.

A. Ambition is most often considered a positive trait, and depending on where you are in your career, you may be exhibiting that trait by taking a second job – there is potential for commendation.

People more junior in their careers have often worked second jobs to supplement their incomes. Some employees use their professional expertise in their second job - for example, accounting or finance professionals moonlighting as seasonal tax preparers, or IT professionals developing web sites for friends - while some employees continue to work as waitresses, bartenders, gardeners, house painters or in retail stores. Most employers accept this type of moonlighting as long as the second job doesn't interfere, or represent the employer or employee poorly.

As people progress in their careers and their earnings increase, so do the demands on their time. At this point, people typically end second jobs that do not use their professional skills, but may keep projects, or seasonal work which minimizes the impact on their time.

For many reasons, the more senior an employee is, the less accepted moonlighting is - especially if your second job uses the same skills as your primary role. Normal business hours become a thing of the past, as acting like an hourly employee is frowned upon. Clock watching is not the way to develop a strong career, and employees are encouraged to do what it takes to get the job done. Meetings last past 5 o'clock, and with few exceptions, people are expected to stay. There may be evening events on a regular basis which become part of the job, and employees are expected to attend.

Creative attention being diverted from your full time job is also not acceptable to most employers, especially when your moonlighting is in your area of expertise. Your employer does not expect that you will devote energy to a new endeavor "after hours" in which they do not play a part. Contracts about work product do not talk about your efforts as occurring between 8 and 5, but as occurring while employed by the company. If there is anyway that your work can be seen as competitive to your employer, questions about your loyalty to your employer will surface.

You have recognized the risk in discussing the moonlighting activity with your employer, and you anticipate a debate. Would the debate be about the time, who the work is for, or the type of work you are doing? If the work uses proprietary information you gained while on the job, your risk increases with each hour worked for someone else.

What is the risk if they discover your activity in another way? Are you publicizing your work? Is your second job or extra curricular work listed on your linked-in profile? I believe your employer will be disappointed in both the activity and the lack of disclosure.

If you are considered a senior member of staff, regardless of whether a policy does or does not exist, your relationship with your employer is in jeopardy, and your judgment and professionalism will be questioned - especially if the skills you use for them are skills you are offering to others.

Help. I work in a large open office where there is no privacy. A close worker/neighbor snaps and crackles her gum all day. What is the best way to handle this in order to get it to stop, and without being labeled a troublemaker?

J. B., Chicago, IL

A. Personally, I love to chew gum. But I do it when I’m alone. Frankly, the noise of the smacking and crackling and popping of bubbles is bad enough, but watching a person chew gum is like watching a cow chew its cud—yuck!

Perspective is the real issue here. How others see you certainly matters, but in your private life you get to choose your friends and the people you want to associate with. So, if you do something that they don’t cotton to, you choose whether you will continue to do it and, in the process, continue to annoy them. But in your business life, it’s different. The perspective of the other person really does matter. Now or in the future that person may be in the position of deciding if you get a job or a promotion, or win a contract, or earn a spot on a team.

You already understand this is an issue because you are worried about being labeled a troublemaker, but, at the same time, you want to curtail the annoying gum chewing. First, decide if this is an issue you really want to make something of or if it is a petty annoyance you can live with. You work eight hours a day, five days a week, fifty weeks a year with people sitting next to you who may do things you really don’t like. Before you talk to your neighbor, consider the situation from her point of view. She probably isn’t doing the chewing to annoy you, so jumping on her for being an annoying person won’t help. You have just so much “relationship capital” you can expend before you’re labeled a complainer. Consider carefully: What do you want for an outcome and what can you say to achieve that end? If you decide to talk with, not confront, Ms. Gum Chewer, talk to her at a time and in a place where others can’t overhear the conversation. Say: “Jan, I wanted to talk to you and I hope if our roles were reversed that you would be willing to talk to me. I hope we can figure out a solution that works for both of us. It’s about gum chewing…” At the end of the conversation, be sure to thank her for listening and helping to figure out a workable solution. Good luck.

I am a thirty something woman who moved to a small, blue-collar, rural “city” because I accepted a position as a professor at the local university. I keep a low profile and most don’t know about my numerous and frequent accomplishments.

Almost daily, I receive inappropriate and derogatory comments from community members, coworkers, students, and even members of my extended family and their friends. In this region, women are not treated as equals and being college educated and/or having a white-collar job is seen as a negative. Given that I am a highly educated female whose expertise is in a male dominated field and I am not from this region…well, it’s open season and has been for the last 8 months.

I’ve managed to get most of the inappropriate comments from co-workers to stop. I don’t tolerate any inappropriate comments or actions from the students. But, I’m still struggling with how to handle comments from my extended family and their friends/relatives. Saying “that comment is not appropriate,” only brings on more comments. How can I stand up for myself without being rude? I don’t want to embarrass my extended family. Any ideas?

Anonymous

You moved to a new community that holds significantly different values from your own. Instead of finding the welcome wagon, you were met with the cold shoulder. The two support groups that most newcomers count on – work colleagues and extended family – not only failed to accept you, but their inappropriate comments sound like some type of sophomoric hazing ritual. Eight months is a long time to be an outsider.

It sounds as if you’ve made progress at work. Standing up for yourself— setting boundaries and not tolerating inappropriate comments from students and fellow professors—has proved successful. And you have a university ethos to back you up, as it is expected that students and professors treat each other civilly.

The strategy that was successful at work hasn’t helped ease tensions or build connections with community members or extended family. It’s not rude to stand up for yourself but sometimes, as you’ve seen, it can backfire. A constant stream of negative interactions with others is stressful and unhealthy so limit your exposure to these folks—whether you’re related to them or not—until you’re feeling more settled and welcome.

Consider that some people may be nervous to speak with you. They may have concerns about being misjudged by you, and that may be the root of their inappropriate comments. As you interact, look for common interests and safe conversational topics. While changing people’s attitude toward you can be very difficult, it can happen as people get comfortable with who you are. Work at building your own circle of friends, colleagues, and family. Small though it may be at first, it can be a support network for you. Good luck!

Q: I work in a busy office for an investment firm. We work long days. I truly enjoy what I do but sometimes I get overwhelmed. I am an administrative assistant for six great investment professionals. However, it is considered "weak" to take even a walk or a break during the day. Most of the professionals that I support arrive at work around 7am and work beyond 6pm or 7pm. I have a strong work ethic but I would like to take lunch or run an errand at lunch time. This is frowned up and discouraged. I don’t get it. It is strange. Some employees won’t admit if they even down to our cafeteria for coffee. And others have asked me to "cover for them" if they have a doctor’s appointment. Am I legally entitled to a break?

A: It sounds like you work in a challenging and demanding environment. Every organization has different cultural norms and practices. It sounds like your work environment is one where "face time" is important. Loosely defined, "face time" is when face-to-face interaction occurs. "Face time" not always an indicator of productivity or performance. In your situation, it sounds like you must show your face (and for many hours in the workday) in order for you to "count." I have worked in similar environments so I understand this dynamic. Sometimes in these environments, "face time" is viewed as all-important. Those who try to maintain some type of work balance are perceived as weak.

In my experience, these environments often lead to burnout and stress. Employees can often work in this type of environment for a period of time. Yet over the long-term, this type of work environment can be unhealthy.

Assuming you work in Massachusetts, you are entitled to a 30-minute meal break if you work more than six hours in a single shift. During your meal break, you should also be relieved of all work-related responsibilities and have the freedom to leave the premises. There are some industries like paper mills and letter press establishments that are exempt from this law but most industries are required to comply. Companies working in the financial services or investment services sector are required to comply with this law. If you choose to work through the meal break, you should be compensated for that time.

A 30-minute meal break sounds like a healthy and balanced way to re-charge the batteries. Even if others work through lunch, you should take the meal break to which you are entitled if choose to do so.

However, try to take your meal break when it is least disruptive to your colleagues. Nothing is more irritating than when you are working on a pressing deadline, you have finished your work and you approach your administrative assistant's desk only to find this person is off taking a lunch break. Sometimes it is helpful to understand the demands of the day before taking a lunch break. Is there a noon time deadline for a client? Is an important client coming in for lunch which may require you to take your lunch early or late? All of these questions can help prevent any "where were you when I needed you?" types of inquiries.

Q. In an interview, before a panel of interviewers, when the interviewee enters the room, must the panel members stand? Does it depend on whether the interviewer is male or female? Older or younger? Lower or higher in rank? Thanks for any help you can provide.

G. M., Atlanta, GA

A. Your question implies that a panel of interviewers did not stand up. I have to wonder why they would choose not to stand to greet the interviewee. Standing up is such a simple act of respect, and standing when the interviewee enters the room is a welcoming gesture that sets a positive tone to the start of the interview. By showing that measure of respect, the interviewers define the positive respectful place the business is. Does age, gender, or a difference in rank matter? In terms of the basic gestures of respect we expect of each other, no they do not. Male or female, older or superior, they should stand to greet the interviewee.

One of the things I tell interviewees is that the interview process is a two-way street. As much as a company is taking the measure of you, you should be using the interview as an opportunity to take stock of the company and to answer one question: Is this a company I want to work for? How they treat you is an important clue as to how you can expect to be treated as an employee. Do they show the respect you know you should accord them? In this case, since you would stand to greet them, do they stand or do they remain seated? Do they ask inappropriate questions? Are they engaged and listening or do they seem bored and distracted? How they treat you is a mirror reflecting the culture of the company they represent, and you will find you are either attracted to it or repelled by it.

So much has been written about how interviewees are meant to behave during an interview. But there’s very little advice directed at the interviewers. Interviewers should stand, look the interviewee in the eye, shake hands firmly, introduce themselves, and offer guidance as to where to sit. They should do their homework and be prepared with questions they want to ask. They should listen attentively as the candidate presents him or herself and answers their questions. At the end of the interview, they should let the candidate know what the next steps are and when a decision can be expected. And finally, they should be sure to thank the candidate and then follow up by sending a thank you note.

Q. I’m curious what you think about following up after applying for a job.

The background: I’m an editor who freelances a lot, and I’m interested in moving to freelance work full-time. One of my frequent freelance clients has a job opening for a full-time freelance editor, and I applied (to the editor-in-chief) about three weeks ago. Since I applied, I’ve continued to get work from the company. If I had no business contact with the company, I would have followed up by now, but I feel that it would be inappropriate as I’m currently working for them on other projects.

I work closely with a managing editor there, but I also think it would be inappropriate to ask her if she has any information. Should I ask her for an inside scoop? Should I follow up with the editor-in-chief? Should I just chill out and see if they get back to me (again, it has been three weeks). On the one hand, I don’t want to do anything that would make me lose them as freelance clients. But on the other, they clearly like my work enough to keep giving me projects, so why not ask?

Help! I’m thinking too much!

I. B., Dallas, TX

A. You can’t put two different hats on the same head at the same time. Either you’re a freelancer doing work for the company or you’re a job applicant. You don’t want to confuse your roles, so keep them separate.

You are correct. When wearing your freelance hat, it would be inappropriate to raise the issue of your job application with the managing editor who is your principle contact. While she may have the “inside scoop,” it’s not her place to share it with you and it’s wrong of you to try to trade on your relationship to get the low-down through a back channel. And, you could be putting her into an awkward position by asking her.

As the job applicant, your role does allow you, after a reasonable amount of time, to ask what the status of your application is. The question becomes: What is a reasonable amount of time? My suspicion is that at the end of the interview you did not ask when you could expect to hear from them. (That, by the way, is a question I recommend be asked near the end of every job interview as it helps avoid the situation you find yourself in.)

If you were given a time frame, don’t call before that time has passed. If not, then three weeks seems like more than enough time to wait before calling the editor-in-chief and asking the status of your application.

Q. My office has a lot of important company file cabinets in it due to lack of space in our building. Oftentimes coworkers will just barge into my office if the door is open to flip through the cabinets for documents they may need. (Sometimes I am even on the phone.) What is the proper way to let others know that I would appreciate a knock or some kind of common courtesy before they enter?

Thanks!

K. R., Coeur d'Alene, ID

A. Perspective is at the core of many office issues, and that may be the case here.

You see the people coming into your office as "barging in". I have images in my head of your door slamming against the wall, and file drawers being yanked open and shoved closed all day long with no regard for the effect the noise is having on you.

Conversely, I suspect their image is of them entering without making any undue noise. It’s hard for me to believe they simply bang around and make noise without regard for you. More likely they don’t announce their arrival or knock because they don’t want to interrupt you. I have never thought people do rude things intentionally, but that doesn’t prevent them from doing things rudely.

Your situation is compounded by the fact that the space you occupy is not only an office for you, but also a common area that others need to enter.

Unfortunately, because you see their actions in a different light than they do, nothing is going to change unless you bring up the issue with them. Remember: Just because you address it with them doesn’t mean they will automatically change the way they enter your office.

I would not try to bring it up when the interruption is occurring. More likely than not, the person will become defensive and the discussion can veer to how you are much too sensitive or an “I have every right to be here” attitude. Asking to take a moment to address the problem at a staff meeting or requesting to meet with the most common offenders would be a better way to go.

"I have an issue I would like to bring up. I know my office houses the files you need to access, but it is also my office. I appreciate that you’re trying not to disturb me. However, it’s a problem for me when you just pop in to get the file, especially if I’m trying to concentrate or, even worse, if I’m on the phone. If you all could just give a gentle knock when you need to come in - even if my door is open - I’d really appreciate it."

Q. I work in a very small business. To put it into perspective, the owner works Saturdays. I and another woman work Sunday through Friday; that's it. My boss gave me a present for my birthday and for Valentine's Day. Of course I am writing her a thank you note, but regarding it, I had a question. I was wondering if it would be inappropriate to thank my boss also for providing a great working environment? Part of me says yes, part of me says no. I'd like your input, please.

S. Z., Warrensburg, MO

A. If you are making the gesture of thanks because you really believe what you are saying, then the thank-you note is certainly an appropriate moment to express your appreciation to your boss. I think your question leaves no doubt that you believe what you want to express.

The key here is your motivation: you are genuinely thanking your boss and not just trying to suck up to her by using the opportunity to stroke her when you don’t mean it. If you believe it, then the sincerity in the tone of your writing will make your expression of gratitude genuine and appreciated.

Sincerity doesn’t spring from one act, whether in words or deeds. On a daily basis - by the way you do your job, interact with your boss, work with your fellow employee, and treat your customers, prospects or suppliers - you have long since established the sincerity that will make your effort to thank your boss be something you really mean, and she will readily believe.

The essence of sincerity is being genuine. When you are sincere, you are believable and believability is the foundation to building trust in any relationship. Trust is critical to business. People tend to do business with people they trust. While you have that trust, the business relationship is solid, but lose the trust, and the relationship is in jeopardy. That’s why sincerity is so important.

Emily Post once said, “Whenever two people come together and interact, you have etiquette. Etiquette is not some rigid code of manners. It’s simply how people’s lives touch one another.” Emily understood that at its core etiquette is about relationships. When choices we make in our interactions are made sincerely, then the relationship flourishes. However, when actions are couched in duplicity or spring from less than honorable motives, then the relationship may be injured.

Your choice to use your letter to thank her, rooted in a sincere appreciation of the great work environment she fosters, is totally appropriate.

How do you invite others to join you? You could be selling a new idea—or marketing yourself.

Let's look at four mistakes, using invites to LinkedIn as an example.

1) Never inviting anyone.

Hmm, this one's tempting. No one likes rejection; it forces you to relive high school.

I remember having a high school crush on Linda N. One night, I finally called for a date.

"Who exactly are you?" Linda N. asked.

"I sit on the opposite side of the room in English," I said. That didn't really explain who I was. It didn't even explain, really, where I was.

More about Linda N. in a moment.

Meanwhile, some good news: high school's over.

Last week, I invited 20 people to LinkedIn. Most accepted, a few ignored me. Nothing terrible happened.

2) Bad timing.

When I called Linda N. for a date, my timing was flawed, but only in the sense that it was already Saturday night.

"Yes," Linda N. said, "I'd love to go out—and I think my date's at the door right now."

Timing matters. Are your LinkedIn invitations too late, or too early?

"Don't invite within two hours of meeting," says Rod Hughes, Director of Communications, Oxford Communications.

"I typically wait till the next day," advises Rod. "Anything sooner seems stalker-esque."

3) Inviting everyone.

Suppose you wake up one morning determined to network with Queen Elizabeth.

"How do you know Elizabeth?" LinkedIn will ask, as if already suspicious.

"Colleague," you say. But when the Queen gets your invitation (which of course she won't), you're in trouble.

If she tells LinkedIn she never heard of you, LinkedIn won't like that. You'll be penalized.

"You need a policy," says Thom Singer, author of several networking books.

"My policy," says Thom, "is The Coffee, Meal or Beer Rule, which means not accepting links unless I've had a real conversation."

4) Bad invitation.

At LinkedIn, the default invite is, "I'd like to add you to my professional network."

But that's robotic.

Eric Fischgrund, Social Media Manager at Beckerman, makes his invites personal. Here are two he successfully sent to CEOs:

"Met your staff at the trade show—looking forward to learning more;" also, "Very interested in SEO companies in the NJ area, and look forward to connecting online."

"My cardinal rule," says Eric: "never use the default."

Tip: For better results, deliver a better invitation.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. My job often entails inviting clients to lunch or drinks. While I pay for these get-togethers out of my own pocket, I do get reimbursed for such outings by my company.

My business etiquette issue is this. I have experienced a client/prospective client or two who will bring along a few employees without my knowledge, and even friends sometimes. One of them even said to me "Well your company pays for this, so you have no problems paying for Bill's (client's friend) drinks, right?" While yes, my company will reimburse me for other guests, I know it is not expected that this happen often. I also don't want my clients to feel like they can take advantage of me/my company.

My question is: Does proper business etiquette dictate that I cater to all the client's friends/employees/guests? Or is this out of line on their part, and, if so, what is the proper response to this?

K. R., Coeur d'Alene, ID

A. Once in a blue moon, I’d overlook their faux pas of bringing uninvited business guests to a business social get-together. I would have less tolerance with the person who brings his uninvited, non-business friends or who is a repeat offender. He assumes incorrectly that you have “no problems” paying for his guests. You have a big problem because this is an ethical situation that could land you in a lot of hot water. First, speak to your boss, and apprise him of the situations. He can help direct you as to whether, in the company’s view, you should say something or continue to pay for your client’s uninvited guests.

If you are going to say something to the client, when you bring it up and how you go about saying it matters. And realize that no matter how perfectly you do it, the client may not respond positively.

The least propitious time is at the event itself. Even an attempt to subtly manage the situation, say reserving a table just for the two of you, may not work. A larger table will be offered or additional chairs brought over and your underlying problem won’t be resolved.

Saying something like “So nice to see you Jim. Unfortunately, I can’t host your friends” creates a very difficult situation on the spot. As with many awkward social situations, this one is better handled privately and after the fact. Call or meet with Jim later and explain: “Jim, thanks for talking with me. I’m in a bit of a bind. Although I accommodated your friends last night because I didn’t want the situation to become awkward, this has happened a couple of times, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t bring other people along without first clearing it with me earlier in the day.”

It’s a tough conversation to have, but having your boss back you up is critical to making it work for you. Good luck.

Q: I am an engineer for a mid-sized medical device company. Our manager was just mysteriously let go. I was told now I am the “acting manager.” I am not even sure what this means. Any suggestions?

A: Companies often try to elevate the most seasoned or talented employee when a new management role becomes available unexpectedly. You may never fully know all the details of your former manager’s separation. However, you have been placed in what could be a promising opportunity.

Roberta Chinsky Matuson, author of Suddenly in Charge: Managing Up, Managing Down, Succeeding All Around, shares her expertise:

That means you are in charge until a replacement can be found. If you want the job, then I strongly suggest you do what I did over twenty-five years ago. Go in and tell your boss that you want the job. Ask him or her specifically what you need to do to secure this opportunity. Remind your manager of your qualifications as he or she may not realize that you have an advanced degree, special skills or other attributes that may be useful in this new position. If your boss provides a vague reply, ask for specifics in an appropriate and professional way.

If you are new to management, then I strongly suggest that you prepare for success. You do this by educating yourself on how to become the type of leader that has people following them when they turn around. I would also suggest finding a mentor who can provide you with guidance as you navigate this new territory. Lastly, ask when a final decision will be made regarding this position so that you aren't "acting manager" forever.

Finally, I would also recommend asking how your responsibilities will change in this new role. What are the expectations? You want to ensure that you fully understand any new tasks or challenges. This is an opportunity for you… if you want it. You have to demonstrate that you want it.

Q. We discussed one of my favorite questions during a seminar today: “I had back-to-back meetings scheduled today. With ten minutes left in the first one, it was still going strong. I didn’t know what to do, so I sat there and ended up being 15 minutes late to the second meeting. That didn’t go over well. What should I have done?”

A: Ouch! You were stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place. Stay at your first meeting and you risk being late for or missing the second one. Leave the first meeting before it is over and you risk dissing the people there. Doing nothing and just sitting there like a lump on a log didn’t resolve the situation as you clearly left the people in the second meeting hanging and felt your own anxiety level rise with every second that ticked by. What can you do or say to resolve the situation without angering either group?

You had two choices. At that ten-minute mark you could have decided to be at your second meeting on time and announced, “I notice it’s ten of the hour, and I’m due at another meeting at 11:00 so could we schedule a follow-up to continue the discussion?” Or you could have decided to stay at the first meeting but explain to the participants, “This discussion is really important, and it looks like it will go past the hour. I need to let the people at my 11:00 meeting know that I’m going to be delayed. I’ll be right back.”

Which of these two options you use depends on the answer to a simple question: Which meeting is more important? For instance, you might be meeting with your CEO in the first meeting. In that case it’s not likely you’ll announce at 10:50 that you’ll have to end your meeting with her to meet with your team. Conversely, if your second meeting is with your CEO, you need to wrap up the first meeting so you can be sure you’ll meet with the CEO on time.

The best way to deal with back-to-back meetings is to prevent them from happening in the first place. Keep a 15-minute buffer zone between meetings . And remember to allow for travel time to get from one meeting to the next. At the very least, before the start of your first meeting talk to the person running it, and let him know you have a tight schedule and will need to leave when the meeting is scheduled to end. That keeps you on schedule, with no announcement necessary.

Q: I own a small business. We sell our consulting services to the financial services industry. This past winter we had some productivity challenges because of weather, especially snow. We probably lost five days of revenue because of snow and we felt that we needed to allow employees to leave early. I think we have developed a reasonable inclement weather policy now. However, my real question is this - how do I handle it when some of my consultants feel like they can bring their kids into work on snow days? Or on school holidays? It is becoming the norm to have kids run up and down the halls on these days. I am not sure how to approach this. I do want to run a family-friendly work environment but I can’t have kids and babies here in the office on a regular basis. How can I best handle this?

A: I applaud you for asking such a good question. This winter created havoc for a lot of my clients. Many employers struggle with balancing client demands with the challenges of being a flexible workplace.

I consulted Kathleen Greer, founder and president of KGA, a Human Resources firm that specializes in providing Employee Assistance Programs (EAP). Greer advised: "It is important to remember that flexible work arrangements always have to work for both employees and the company. Snow days can create big challenges for working parents, especially when there are no back-up plans in place. Each employee should have a plan in place. For some, a back-up care provider for sick and snow days may be researched through the company's EAP."

Many of my clients have instituted polices on adverse weather conditions. Some have developed broader policies on emergency closings (which include guidelines for employees regarding weather-related closings). This policy often includes how to find out if the company is closed for business or is expecting to close early because of an ominous forecast. In some cases, an important company-sponsored event may be canceled or postponed. With advances in technology, many of my clients also permit employees to work from home during a snowstorm when hazardous traveling conditions may exist.

Greer also offered the following advice: "For employees who are allowed to bring their children to work, there is a big difference between a child that will read quietly in a conference room, vs. a younger child who may be a bit disruptive. It is the parent's responsibility to be realistic of what will be expected of the child. For employees who must be in the office to do their jobs, a clear policy on bringing children to work is helpful."

It may be worthwhile to solicit input from your management team. How did it work this winter with children in the office? And perhaps more importantly, how did it not work with children in the office? Perhaps you could consider setting some limits on bringing children into the office if you institute such a policy? One policy might look like this:

On occasion, adverse weather conditions or other emergency conditions may cause employees to be concerned about safety in traveling to or from work, depending on the distance of travel, the hazards of travel, the availability of public transportation or a number of other factors. In such cases, employees will need to make judgments about whether to stay home or to leave work early after consultation with their supervisor. If necessary, the Company may close due to inclement weather. Employees should contact the office if there is a question. Please call 617-123-4567 for information related to office closures. There will be a recorded message providing employees with necessary information.

There may be an emergency situation, which necessitates closing our office for a portion of the workday. Inclement weather, power outages or the like may require us to close our office early or delay the start of the workday. If we are required to close, the Company will inform employees through our employee intranet and by leaving updated information on the telephone line provided above.

When a decision is made to close the office, all employees will be paid at their regular rate of pay for any scheduled work time that is missed.

With a supervisor's permission and depending upon the employee's role, some employees may be permitted to work at home for a portion of the workday because of inclement weather. We urge working parents/guardians to research back-up childcare options before such arrangements are needed. In emergency situations, we will allow parents/guardians to bring children into the office for one workday per calendar year if the child is 10 years old or older. Back-up childcare options can be researched through KGA, our EAP provider.

Q. I am one of only 2 women in a large team of men. Today I overheard 2 of the guys discussing an interview with a candidate for an open position on the team. One of the gentlemen commented that the woman was pregnant, and he had concerns about how much time she would be out of the office because of this. The other man agreed that this was a concern and said it was too bad because she was otherwise a good candidate. The conversation did not include me, but I feel like the decision to hire or not hire this woman based on her parental status is unethical and discriminatory. Is there a way to bring this up to them? Or should I stay out of it since I am not in charge of this hiring decision, and the conversation was not intended to include me, it just took place near me?

Anonymous

A. Sometimes what appears to be etiquette crosses a line into legal and ethical issues. That certainly is the case here. Making hiring, or non-hiring, decisions solely on the basis of pregnancy is illegal.

The ethical question you face is what should you do now? You can choose to talk with the two men, talk to your manager, or stay quiet. Staying quiet is the easiest solution but it isn’t the ethical solution. I usually counsel that the first course of action should be to talk directly to the people involved as opposed to going to a manager.

Ask the men how the interview process is going. Mention that you overheard their conversation about one strong female candidate. Then mention that you may have heard wrong, but did they say that the her pregnancy made her a less attractive candidate? Give them an opportunity to respond, because it is possible that you interpreted the conversation incorrectly.

If they are foolish enough to confirm your suspicion that they would make a hiring decision based on the whether a candidate was pregnant, it’s time to talk to someone higher up the food chain.

The etiquette issue at hand is how you approach the men. Don’t threaten or assume wrongdoing. Tell them what you overheard and explain that you are simply bringing your concerns to their attention and then asking them for their perspective on what you heard. After you’ve heard what they have to say, then request that they confirm with you that they will not consider the woman’s pregnancy in deciding whether or not to hire her. If you’re satisfied, you can leave the matter there. If not, then it is time to discuss it with your manager.

Q: I am working as a contractor for a small start-up. I hope to be hired soon by them. I have a dilemma though. They are interviewing a former neighbor of mine. I know this person is a convicted felon and he has spent some time in jail a few years ago for fraud. I don’t know if this company does background checks or not since I have not officially been hired by them. This company’s hiring process is very casual and informal. Do I have an obligation to inform this company? I don’t want to start trouble but I also feel very awkward in not disclosing what I know to someone. Any recommendations?

A: You are in a quandary. Let’s explore your legal obligations (if any) first.

To better address your legal obligations, I consulted Attorney Jeffrey A. Dretler, Partner of the Employment Law Group of Prince Lobel Glovsky & Tye LLP. Dretler offers, “In the circumstances described, assuming you did not enter into any contractual obligation to make such disclosures, there is no legal obligation requiring you to disclose what you know about your former neighbor to anyone at the company. At the same time, assuming you did not become aware of the information in a privileged or confidential setting (e.g. doctor-patient or attorney-client relationship), there is no legal obligation prohibiting you from disclosing what you know to the company. That being said, acting or failing to act each may have consequences that you need to carefully consider.”

Let’s assume you do disclose this information to the company. Then, as a result of your disclosure, your neighbor does not receive a job offer. Your neighbor could discover that it was you who provided information to the company. Dretler explains that in this situation, your neighbor “could try to bring a civil cause of action against you for interference with prospective advantageous relations or even defamation. If the information you provided to the company was true, and was motivated by your belief that the company’s interests were best served by knowing the information, and not based on malice, your neighbor will not succeed on his or her claims against you.” The employer will likely appreciate this information in advance of extending a job offer to this candidate.

Alternatively, let’s assume you do not make the disclosure and the company hires your former neighbor. If a problem surfaces with this new employee, and the company finds out that you knew about this person’s history and did not disclose it, it may reflect poorly on your judgment and commitment to the company.

In short, you will need to weigh both the benefits and the risks of the situation. You will also need to assess your own moral and ethical compass. If this situation were with a client of mine, I would hope that you would disclose this information to a company representative such as the human resources officer, hiring manager or CEO/president. Be clear that you are making the disclosure with the best interests of the company in mind, and not because of any personal malice against your former neighbor. Ask them to verify what you know to eliminate any possible misinformation or error in your recollection. When providing information to the company, distinguish between the information you know to be true and that which you may be less sure about, and do not spread any of this information to people who do not need to know it. Hopefully, by following these steps, you will not feel as if you are keeping important information from the company you hope to become more a part of, nor will you feel as if you are doing something to cause trouble for another.

Q. A colleague at work routinely calls me from the road to blow off a meeting with me. “Sorry,” he says. “The meeting with the client went longer than planned so I’ll be missing our meeting.” This happens all the time. Should I feel angry or just take it without saying anything?

Anonymous

A. Once in a while circumstances will dictate that a meeting with a client overshadows an internal meeting. The fact it happens repeatedly is the real issue that needs to be addressed.

Ripping into your colleague the next time he calls and says he’s going to miss a your meeting is counter-productive. It’s more likely that he’ll respond to your anger . Then the conversation becomes about you and your anger and not about him missing meetings.

The next time he is in the office, ask to meet with him. If you don’t have an office of your own, meet with him in a private space. Before the meeting, marshal your facts: the dates and times he has canceled meetings with you because client meetings have interfered. These facts should support your contention that he really does consistently miss your meetings. Present your documentation and explain the problems caused by the missed meetings: delay in work product, poor communications. Have a solution in mind. Clearly, scheduling meetings near his client meetings isn’t working. Perhaps there’s a time first thing in the morning or on a certain day of the week that doesn’t come just after a client meeting. Then ask him for his buy-in to make that time a priority. “Jack, it looks like a meeting at 8:00AM will work for you and won’t interfere with your client meetings. Is that okay with you if we schedule our meetings then?”

Back-to-back meetings are problematic Inevitably one meeting goes too long and suddenly you’re sitting in the first meeting squirming in your seat because you know the second meeting has already started without you. If your entire day is a series of meetings, being held up causes a ripple effect which negatively impacts every subsequent appointment. You can avoid this situation by doing one of the following:

• Give yourself breathing room around each meeting. In addition to travel time, build in a fifteen-minute buffer between any meetings you schedule.
• At the start of a meeting, ask the meeting organizer to reiterate the time allotted for the meeting. If meetings routinely run over, offer to give a “ten minute warning” to wrap it up.
• Communicate ahead of time. Let the organizer know that you have another meeting scheduled close to his meeting and that you may have to leave.
• If your first meeting is more important (perhaps it is with your CEO), alert the organizer of the second meeting about your predicament and that you may be unavoidably late.

The worst thing to do is to do nothing and then find yourself in the uncomfortable position of having to be in two places at once.

Q. I worked for a company for 18 months. I was told at a review in June that the possibility of becoming permanent would be discussed in December. At my December review, they said they still weren't sure if they wanted to make me permanent. I got upset and quit but withdrew my resignation the very next day. They said they were accepting my resignation and would not let me take back my quitting.

I am usually a calm person but the situation made me emotional. I labored for 18 months with no benefits - this is from a company that constantly boasts about being a best place to work and the great benefits it offers employees. Now my unemployment claim is being held up... what do you think about this situation?

A. Frustration is a part of life, work, relationships, and job searches. How you deal with that frustration becomes the way you are judged by people.

You felt that you were not being treated fairly by your employer having been there for 18 months in a temporary role with no benefits.  However, you were benefiting by discovering first hand whether the company culture and the position were a fit for you. In fact, many employers hire contract or temporary employees so they can determine the employee’s skill set and fit before they hire them full time. It also gives the company time to determine whether they can support the addition of temporary staff to permanent positions.

When you determined the employment agreement was no longer working for you, you could have approached your manager or human resources to discuss the status of your role. This would have allowed you to also find out what you could do to help make a decision about whether there was a permanent need for your position. Instead, you waited, and then reacted in an overly emotional way by personalizing the information you received.

They told you that they were not sure if they were going to make your position permanent, but it sounds like you heard that they did not want to make you permanent. For most companies today, the addition of an FTE (full time equivalent) remains a significant issue.  Companies do not want to add to headcount when they are unsure about what the economy holds and whether their business can support higher everyday costs. 

Unfortunately, overly emotional reactions like, yelling, crying, and quitting are not tolerated well by most employers. Managers and jobs can sometimes drive people to feel like reacting emotionally but it’s always better to step away and give yourself time to take the emotion out of it before you continue a discussion with a manager or employer. If you act on emotions there are consequences – which you just discovered.

They may have been taking their time to determine if you were the right fit. If you had periodic conversations about your performance, attitude, and behavior, you may have learned that the managers were looking for specific improvements before they were ready to commit. However, by reacting so emotionally to the delay and quitting the job, you proved to the manager that you were not the right fit. They did not accept your request to rescind your resignation because they are not obligated to do so.

This is not to say this is completely your fault. A strong manager provides performance feedback on an ongoing basis, so that there are no surprises like the one you had in December. However, if you can acknowledge your part in this situation, you will learn from it.

As far as your unemployment benefits are concerned, the decision as to whether you qualify lies solely in the hands of the Massachusetts Division of Unemployment and Training. They will call your former employer to ask questions about the length of your employment and your departure date, but this is standard procedure in determining your eligibility. Your employer will have no say in whether you receive unemployment benefits.

Good luck!

Q: I am new at this job search stuff. I feel like I am getting a canned response when I ask HR why I didn’t get the job offer. They always say something like: “A candidate who more closely matches our needs was selected.” I want to know the real reasons. How can I learn and improve my job search skills if real feedback is not given? What are some of the real reasons that you see?

A: I appreciate your search for candid feedback. It is important information but not always shared. Job seekers do sometimes eliminate themselves from the selection process for some very “fixable” reasons.

Here is my list:

1. Not checking email or voicemail. There have been dozens of candidates that I have tried to contact this year and I don’t hear back from them. Or I hear back from them way too late in the process.

2. Saying something inappropriate in the interview. Candidates complain about former supervisors, talk way too much about their kids (including showing me photos of their kids during the interview), describe their hassles with the MBTA or bring up topics that are irrelevant to the job for which they are interviewing.

3. Candidates treat a telephone interview too casually. There is a dog barking or kids in the background. I had one candidate schedule a telephone interview with loud music playing in the background.

4. Not wearing the appropriate clothing for an interview. It is better to over dress than to under dress. I have heard more than one hiring manager recommend: “when in doubt, wear a suit.”

5. Candidates who apply for every job … whether it is a VP of Marketing or a Purchasing Agent.

6. Typos, poor grammar, etc. on resumes and within emails and cover letters. Or a candidate will direct their cover letter to “Dear Mr. Smith” and Mr. Smith is not the correct name but they have forgotten to edit the name. Or they identify a company in their cover letter and it is the wrong company name!

7. No follow-up. Candidates should email a quick note thanking me and the hiring manager.

8. College degree. It almost always helps. Finish your degree. Completing 3.5 years of college is not the equivalent of earning a degree.

9. Be succinct, clear and concise in your verbal and written communications. Avoid the overuse of “ya know,” “like,” or profane language. It signals unprofessionalism.

10. Visible tattoos, piercings in unusual places and black fingernail polish might be fine for some work environments but not ours. Do your research before you walk in the door of the company.

I have shared some of the many reasons why candidates don’t get offers. Sometimes these real reasons are not shared with candidates because candidates can become defensive and angry. However, there is some truth in what I have shared.

Q. I work in a building with several small businesses. The bathrooms are unisex, not separated men's or ladies' rooms. I needed to go to the bathroom, and the door to the one on my floor was just slightly ajar (neither closed all the way nor locked so I thought it must be empty.)

So without thinking I walked in. Two steps later I see the male CEO of a different company using the bathroom. He was facing away from me and towards the toilet. I blushed and stammered, “Oh sorry, the door was open.” I left and went to the bathroom on a different floor where despite the door being opened, I knocked and then locked the door and went about my business.

Should I do or say anything to this man? I’m not sure if I should further apologize or if I should tell him to please shut the door in the future. I feel awkward but never expected the open door to have someone inside.

A. T., Catonsville, MD

A. Awkward! But rest assured, you really didn’t do anything “wrong,” although even with the door slightly ajar, a soft knock before entering might have saved you from embarrassment.

We have a common area unisex bathroom in our office building. I have simply made it a habit to gently knock before pushing the door open even if it is slightly ajar. I also look carefully to see if the light is on or off before proceeding as that is a really good indicator if the bathroom is in use. (The light is actually on a timer so the lights shut off even if a user fails to turn them off when exiting the bathroom.)

Sometimes the best course of action is not to exacerbate a situation by calling further attention to it. That is most likely the case here. You really don’t need to seek out the person and potentially cause further embarrassment. You apologized at the time and explained that the door wasn’t shut (his fault not yours.) Telling him to shut the door in the future isn’t necessary, either. He got the message loud and clear when you opened it.

How do I know that? One time I thought I’d locked the unisex bathroom door, but I hadn’t. A person started entering, and I quickly advised them the room was in use. While they should have knocked, my error was not making sure the door was locked in the first place. I can assure you, now every time I use the restroom, I double check that I’ve locked the door.

Your incident is over. Let it rest.

Q. At the office I work at, we have weekly potluck lunch meetings where everyone brings a dish to share while we discuss office matters. I work for a small business so there are only five of us who attend these meetings. Two of these people are vegetarians. I sometimes feel awkward bringing a meat dish to the meetings, particularly since sometimes the other two meat eaters don’t come. I don’t always know ahead of time who will be there, and I feel greedy when I end up bringing a dish that only I can eat. Should I make an effort to bring vegetarian dishes that everyone can enjoy?

M. H., Kew Gardens Hills, NY

A. May I come to lunch at your office? The simplest way to accommodate the vegetarians at the table and still be able to enjoy a meat dish is to prepare dishes in which the meat can be added at the time of serving. A chef’s salad can be fixed on site with meat added after the vegetarians have served themselves. A vegetable-based soup could be made with the meat cooked and saved in a separate container. After the vegetarians have taken their portion, the meat could be added for you and your meat-eating colleagues. Sandwiches pose no problem as you can either provide the ingredients or prepare both meat and meatless ones. What you wouldn’t want to do is bring in pre-made meat sandwiches. For some vegetarians, the fact the meat had been in the sandwich would make it inedible even when the meat is removed.

Some dishes need the meat to cook in the dish to really blend the flavors. In this case make two versions of your dish—one with and one without meat. Take chili for example. You could start by making a pot with enough for all without meat and then divide that pot into two pots. Add meat to one so it can simmer and blend the meat flavor into the chili while keeping the other pot free of meat for the vegetarians.

Of course another simple solution is simply to bring in a vegetarian dish and avoid the issue altogether.

Another option is to suggest to your colleagues that you continue to have your lunches together but instead of potluck, each person brings his or her own, and therefore different eating styles are accommodated.

At Emily Post we have a monthly meeting followed by lunch provided by the company. With a couple of vegetarians on staff we are always aware of being sure a dish can accommodate both meat –eaters and vegetarians. With a little forethought we have excellent lunches, and everyone can enjoy food prepared the way they want it.

Q. During a conference call break, one of my colleagues pressed the mute button and then blurted out, ‘What an idiot! Can you believe he actually said that?’ We quickly found out that the mute button wasn’t working when a voice came over the speaker saying, ‘We can still hear you.’ What should we have done at that moment?

A. Unfortunately, it doesn’t do much good to close the barn door after all the cows have gotten out. At this point the only thing the perpetrator and his boss can do is to immediately apologize. “We’re so sorry. Dave spoke out of turn. There really is no excuse for his comment. Please accept our apology. We want to continue with the call and are interested in what each person has to say.”

In addition, to close the loop Dave needs to take responsibility and follow up the conference call with a letter of apology to the person he was referring to.

The real issue here isn’t the mute button, it’s that Dave forgot a cardinal rule: Never say anything derogatory during a conference call. It’s too easy for a mistake to occur, like a mute button not working. At the end of the call be sure the call has disconnected before starting any discussion about it. For instance, you may think all parties have hung up when one or more connections may still be open.

Here are several more tips to make your conference calls successful:

• Have everyone in the same room at each location. It’s helpful to see your colleagues’ non-verbal cues as they speak.
• Ask each person on the call to introduce themselves so the others can more easily identify who is speaking by their voice: “Hello, this is Sam Mathis, senior account manager at the Manchester office
• Review the agenda for the call at the start and specify when the call will end.
• Ten minutes before the end of the call, the organizer should announce the time so people can begin to wrap up.
• At the end of the call the organizer should reiterate the key points or decisions and review any to-dos that have been agreed on during the call.
• After the call the organizer should send out minutes which include decisions and to-dos.

A new capability is the video conference call. The benefit is that people can see your expressions and body language in addition to hearing your words. The problem is people can see you. If you’re on a video call:

• Look at the camera when talking, not at your screen so you create eye contact with the people on the other end of the call.
• Beware of bad habits: picking your nose, chewing your fingernails, playing with your hair.
• Avoid doing other tasks like reading mail.
• Smile and sit up so you look engaged and interested and not bored.
• Use your hands to gesture. You’ll appear more animated and be more interesting to watch as you talk.

Q: I've applied for a few jobs through an online application system and I'm able to check the status of my application. However, they all still currently say "Application Received." I know from someone who works at this company that the next step is "Under Review." Is there anything I can do to get the HR manager to take a look at my application?

A: More and more companies are automating their candidate selection process. Many larger employers use online application systems. These application systems sometimes require a candidate to complete an online “fill in the box” application. Other systems receive resumes via a centralized email address and scan the resumes into a candidate tracking system. It is helpful to know that your online application was received. However, from a candidate’s perspective, you want to know more. Not only do you want to know more, but the sooner the better! To a candidate, days of waiting feel like weeks of waiting!

You mention that you have an internal contact at this company. This contact could be very valuable to you. It would be helpful to better understand what the typical timeframe is between the “Application Received” to “Under Review?” Is it 10 days? 21 days? Or is it never for candidates of no interest? Your friend may be able to find out more information about these timeframes.

Additionally, can your friend put in a good word for you? Can your contact perhaps email the HR manager recommending you as a candidate? If your contact at this company is a former colleague, this may be very helpful to your candidacy.

Do you know others at this company? Have you scoured your LinkedIn connections and other professional contacts to determine if there are others that could be helpful in your search?

Recommendations carry weight. Recommendations coming from former colleagues or supervisors can be especially persuasive.

Lastly, you could email the HR manager asking for an update. This may be risky because you don't want to irritate the HR manager. I would recommend that the tone of this email be courteous, professional and demonstrate interest in the company and in the role.

Email etiquette in a Super Bowl commercial. That sounds like an oxymoron to me, but there in the second quarter of the Super Bowl the Bridgestone “Reply All” ad made a key etiquette point perfectly.

Two guys are sitting at their cubicles. The first guy tells the second guy he has just “replied to all” rather than just used the reply button. We don’t even need to know what was in the email—it’s readily apparent that it was a mistake. The culprit jumps up, races around the building and then drives to various sites grabbing people’s phones, tablets, and computers before they can read the email, and finally rips out the mainframe wiring. When he gets back to his cubicle, the first guy apologizes. He was mistaken; the reply was really only to him. Bridgestone takes the credit for making it possible for Mr. Reply All to be able to get to so many locations before the people could read the email.

Despite what the commercial showed us, stopping people from reading an email once they’ve received it is impossible. Recall features only work if the email hasn’t already been opened. How many times have you received an email asking you to delete a message you’ve received without reading it? When I ask seminar participants what they do when they receive such an email, invariably they answer that they immediately read the email to see what’s up.

It’s so easy to hit the “reply all” button rather than the “reply” button and end up wishing you hadn’t. Disparaging comments about a co-worker or, worse yet, a boss, are among the most common mistakes. The lesson is really very simple. Emails are public documents. They can be received and read by people who really shouldn’t see them. Before writing or replying to an email, ask yourself, “Could I post this on a bulletin board for anyone to read?” If you answer “yes,” then go ahead and send it. But if you answer “no,” then think twice before hitting the send button.

Another email mistake that is so easy to make is sending an email to the wrong person. In many email programs, as you start typing a name in the “to” field, options appear. If I type “ka” to send to Katherine, my choices might be Katherine my agent or Katherine our administrative assistant or even Karen a real estate agent. I want to be sure I send it to the right person. One piece of great advice I heard: Fill in your “to” field as the last thing you do before sending an email rather than the first thing you do when preparing an email. Then, double check who is in the “to” field before hitting the send button.

Recently, Steve Hartman at CBS News did a report on thank you notes that included an interview with John Kralik whose book, 365 Thank Yous (Hyperion, December 28, 2010) was just published in time for the 2010 holiday thank you note season.

While this book focuses on Kralik’s effort to write thank you notes each day, it raises the interesting question: “Why should we write notes to people?”

The answer, in a nutshell, is that notes - thank you and otherwise - are a way of staying connected that is personal, that people appreciate, and is memorable. In this electronic age our communications are rapidly becoming more and more impersonal as we find faster and faster ways to get that communication done. Text-speak is just the latest example of faster is better: ‘b4’ for “before,” ‘cul8r’ for “see you later,” ‘lol’ for “laughing out loud.” The examples are legion. While they make sense in a text as long as they are decipherable by the uninitiated, you don’t want those abbreviations creeping into your business communications—emails, reports, or letters.

The time and effort it takes to think about the recipient, to compose and hand write the note, to address and mail it, and the tactile feel of nice note paper makes it a communication that says, “You are important to me.” When I’m asked what’s the difference between an email thank you and a handwritten one, I explain that an email is written, sent, received (hopefully) among many other emails in a day and read (hopefully), and then deleted. After a handwritten note is received and read, it is most likely put down on a desk or counter, or posted on a wall where it is seen and remembered repeatedly. “Would you rather be deleted or remembered?” I ask the questioner. The answer is self-evident.

The heart of the issue is the personal nature of a handwritten note. One of my greatest concerns about the evolution of electronic communications is the loss of the “personal” in those communications. While email, texting, and chatting are great business tools, their everyday use simply doesn’t carry the same importance, permanence, or meaning as a handwritten note. The note itself evokes your presence when it is opened, held, and read. The handwritten note is a perfect way to stand out from the crowd and of keeping you foremost in the recipient’s thoughts.

Sure, email and other forms of electronic communication are here to stay and they do a great job to keep businesses humming along at warp speed, but it doesn’t lessen the value of occasionally sending a handwritten note, something that stands out and honors the recipient.

As Kralik and Hartman have discovered, recipients really appreciate it.

Ten billion apps sold.

The other day the iTunes store announced it had sold its ten billionth app to a person in Orpington, Kent, UK, who had won a $10,000 prize and promptly hung up on Apple when the call came to announce the news to her. (That’s etiquette for another column.) That’s a lot of apps, and that’s a lot of smart phones around the world that house those apps.

As much as smart phones are wonderful devices that enhance our lives, there’s a world of potential rudeness to go with them. Of course, it’s not the phones that are rude but rather the people who use them that’s the problem.

My particular pet peeve is the person who has his phone alert him each time a new email arrives. His phone is set to retrieve those emails every 5 minutes. So, potentially as often as every five minutes, his phone makes sure everyone around him knows he has received yet another email.

That in and of itself not annoying enough to rise to the level of a pet peeve, but what’s really rude is when that tone sounds, he has to look away from you - whom he is talking with - to check out the email. The email, in his mind, is clearly more important than you are.

Even worse is when he then fiddles with his phone to read the email. He might say, “Excuse me,” as he thumbs his phone and even starts replying to it. Regardless of whether he apologizes or not, he is clearly signaling that he’s less interested in you and your conversation than in whatever is going on with his phone. Is Mr. Smart Phone being deliberately rude? If you asked him, he would say that was never his intention, but by being at the beck and call of his device, he’s oblivious to the courtesies owed the people he is with.

My advice for all cell and smart phone user is really very simple: Control it, don’t be controlled by it. Be willing to ignore and even, heresy of heresies, turn it off when its use could interrupt you when you are with others or disturb the people around you.

At the very least, make use of that vibrate/silent ring feature so any interruption is announced only to you. Before whipping out your phone and immediately responding to that vibrating, excuse yourself and step away so your answering it isn’t perceived as rude. Better yet, try to ignore the vibrating, and keep your focus on the people you are with. They’re more important than that phone and deserve your undivided attention.

Q. I worked for a difficult boss for several years and I found a better paying position out of state. During the first month at my new job, his secretary called me for help and I did provide assistance. Last week, another former co-worker called and I provided assistance.

Then on a Saturday evening, my former boss e-mailed me asking me about a report and where exactly in my old office it was located.

I've been gone now four months, and I can't remember where everything is, much less which specific report he wanted. I e-mailed back that he should check my computer. He replied with an insulting e-mail about how I didn't follow through on the report.

I know we shouldn't burn bridges with former employers but I think this is harassment. How long before I can tell these people to stop calling me?

A. Your manager should no longer have expectations that you need to find things, or support their efforts on the job. However, you may find that being supportive in your communication will earn you rewards you may need later, like a reference.

How an employee leaves a job is up to both the employee and the employer. Employers are often scrambling to find a replacement, while the employee is eagerly thinking about their new role, and wrapping up their old one. Most often employers will take the lead on the transition plans, but a manager may not know how many responsibilities an individual carried out or how much support is needed during the transition.

If your employer doesn't make effective transition plans, than you can and should take the lead. Be very clear about your areas of responsibility. Document as much as you can prior to leaving. Develop a list of tasks you are responsible for and review your job description. Have a formal meeting to review each of these and determine who will be assigned to take over responsibility for these tasks so you can offer to train them.

Review your filing system - both hard copy and electronic, and document as much as possible about these systems. Rename documents if you need to so they make sense to everyone, not just you.

After you have done this, ask your manager if they would like to go over the materials you created for the new person who will fill the role. They might decide not to take advantage of this offer, but you will have done your best to provide for an effective transition. You might also offer to speak to the replacement for their first week or two on the job.

Right after someone leaves, a manager might call a former employee for help (I know I have), recognizing that this is a favor, not a demand. After that, managers should be very reluctant to call former employees for support, unless it is an emergency. Maintaining good relationships through positive, professional, communications will ensure is important. If you can't help than a positive response like "I am so sorry I can't help you more, but I don't remember after this time. If I think of anything that I think might help, I will call you or email right away.", is always the best approach.

If the difficult manager continues to be challenging, respond respectfully in an email and copy human resources, or your former manager's boss.

Q. I work for a financial services company in a large metropolitan area. One day, we received an e-mail from human resources reminding us that despite an impending snow storm, the following day would be business as usual.

When we came to work after a gruesome commute, we found out that some people in the division had been selected to stay the night in nearby hotels at company expense so they would be able to come to work on time. The condition was that two people had to share a room. In my group two unmarried persons had been selected to stay in one room.

The rest of us are feeling slighted since all this was done in secrecy so we were not extended the same offer. I am annoyed as well as irritated by how this was handled, and I don't believe the "top" bosses would look on this favorably.

Your assistance in this matter will be greatly appreciated.

- Anonymous

A. The company should not single out certain people for the privilege of staying at a hotel while others were expected to travel in from home and be at work for “business as usual.”

I could see the situation where certain people might be given the option because their job required them to be there “on-time” - an IT person whose responsibility is to keep vital servers up and running, for instance. This frequently happens at hospitals with critical personnel. The problem with your situation is the company provided this perceived benefit to some employees without any explanation and consequently caused ill-will with the others. And that is a mistake.

If the two people in your group who were selected to stay in the hotel were of the same sex, then the requirement they share a room is reasonable. In these economically challenged times many companies that once offered employees a room to themselves are now requiring sharing arrangements for employees of the same sex.

If the two people were of the opposite sex and are not involved in a relationship, the situation is different and even asking them to share a room is unacceptable. Even if they are in a relationship, asking them to share is presumptuous of the nature of their relationship. It’s possible that the unmarried couple volunteered to share a room. While this may seem fine on the surface - two consenting adults - it does blur the line between a romance and office life.

Final take on this? Note to managers: Clear up that overnight stay policy pronto and look at better top-down communication of weather emergency expectations and procedures.

Q. I share an office with a young lady who was recently hired. Often when I come into my office there is someone sitting at my desk. They get up as soon as I walk in, but should they be sitting at my desk when there is an empty chair near my desk.

A. You are quite polite to ask, but I suspect you know the answer to your question. No, no one should be sitting at your desk and getting your office mate to understand this should not be difficult, or cause friction. These kinds of issues are often where colleagues ruin relationships, or don't even get to the stage where they might become colleagues.

It sounds like you may have lost a private office, which is happening more as companies find real estate costs too significant to continue to provide private offices to as many staff as they once did. People may work in the office less, or fewer days and they are now relegated to cubicles or shared offices.

Your recently hired young colleague may not recognize or be sensitive to the change in your circumstances, and may not have ever had the pleasure of a private office. Perhaps her previous office mate and she had worked out an agreement for guests to use the most comfortable chair available.

What is clear is the two of you have not developed an arrangement that works for both of you, and it is possible to do that. You can start the conversation when the two of you are in the office alone. "Sharing an office is not something I have done before. I'm not sure if you have, but I wanted to talk through a few things to make sure we make it as enjoyable and productive as possible."

You might decide to start with how the office is arranged. Does it work for both of you? Is there a window which you share the benefits of, or is it yours, or hers? Recognizing the mutuality of the situation will make all of the negotiations work much more smoothly. If you are more senior, there should be some perks associated with that - first choice, etc.

You mentioned that there is an empty chair near your desk. Is there also a "guest chair" conveniently located near your office mates desk clearly positioned for a guest for her? If not, find one. You may both decide to go on an office scavenger hunt looking for improved artwork, matching or more comfortable chairs. Each of you should have your own guest chairs. If by some chance there is not enough room for two guest chairs, one should be positioned in a convenient location so that it can be brought close to either of your desks.

As you look for these additions to your shared office, you can say, "I'd like to keep guests away from my desk and out of my chair. The extra chairs should work, and if you need an extra, I'm happy to have you pull my chair away from my desk so my materials stay private".

Office real estate is very important to many people. Your colleague needs to recognize her impact on your space, and you will be doing the same. Companies can help by making sure the appropriate furniture is available for officemates.

One of the most surprising questions I have received came from a young man who was having trouble landing a job. “I was 20 minutes late for one job interview but only five minutes late for another,” he said. “I guess I can understand why I didn’t get the job when I was twenty minutes late, but not getting the job when I was only five minutes late seems unfair. What’s the problem?” What was surprising about his question was that he had no concept that “late” is not a relative term, you either are or you aren‘t.

In my seminars, I tell participants, “If I had only one piece of advice I could give it would be: Be on time.” If you’re on time, you start out on the right foot. When you’re late, you start out on the wrong foot trying to recover from your error. You know that because the first words out of your mouth are, “I’m sorry.” In the case of this young man, late is late, and if he can’t be on time for the interview can he be relied on to be on time preparing a report, meeting with a client, or simply getting his work done in general? It’s no surprise he didn’t get the job, especially if, in comparison, his competition was on time.

At a job interview your goal is to stand out from the other applicants, not just because of your job skills, but also by your polished personal skills. By concentrating on these five essentials, you’ll improve your chances for success:

Be on time.

Prepare. It’s expected that you ask questions about the company where you’re applying, so do some research ahead of time. Practice answers to anticipated interview questions. Do it out loud so you get used to hearing yourself and so your mouth gets familiar actually forming the words. The key here is practice will give you confidence, and businesses favor people who are confident.

Dress one notch up. Make an effort to check out how people at that business dress. You want to show you belong and your clothing will signal that instantly. If they dress casually, you might step it up by adding a tie or jacket to your outfit.

Smile, look them in the eye and speak clearly. Your goal is to show your interviewer that you can represent her company positively and effectively. If you mumble, if you can’t look the interviewer in the eye, if you’re sullen, she’ll wonder if that’s how you’ll interact with colleagues, clients, prospects, or suppliers, and she won’t be impressed.

Thank them twice. First at the end of the interview, and then a second time when you send a thank you note, ideally within twenty-four hours. You can start by sending an email thank you. Best practice is to follow it up with a note sent in the mail. It’s not only polite, but also proves that you know how to conclude a business interaction effectively.

Q. A colleague said he received a gift, a nicely engraved pen. Unfortunately, his name was misspelled. He asked if he should mention the mistake when thanking the gift giver. My first inclination is to not mention the mistake. However, if this is from a business colleague, then wouldn’t it be kind to alert him as the vendor could have been careless? Do you think he should mention the mistake, and if so, should it be included in the Thank You card perhaps as a humorous note? I appreciate any advice you may have.

C. R., Seal Beach, CA

A. Your question is excellent, a real “between a rock and a hard place” one. Everyone can immediately perceive that this is an uncomfortable situation: Say something to the giver and risk embarrassing him; say nothing and have a gift with your name misspelled. Before making that choice, you could start with the vendor if you know who it is. My wife once received sheets incorrectly monogrammed that her mother ordered from Land’s End. A call to Land’s End ascertained the sheets had indeed been incorrectly monogrammed and new ones were sent. Problem solved. If you know who the engraver is and if he made an error doing the engraving (the order says “McGregor” while the pen says “MacGregor”), most likely he’ll make good. But any engraver may be able to fix the problem by buffing down the metal and re-engraving your name. It’s certainly worth asking, as it would avoid the more difficult choice of deciding whether or not to say anything to the giver.

If the engraving can’t be fixed, then the key to solving this problem is for your colleague to consider how his actions will affect the giver. From this point of view saying or doing nothing other than expressing his thanks may well be the best answer. Remember, it’s the thought behind the gift that matters most. Have your colleague answer this question: What would be the point of making the giver feel embarrassed?

If your colleague does decide to mention the error, he shouldn’t push to have the mistake corrected. “John, thank you so much for the thoughtful gift. I’ve enjoyed working with you this year and look forward to our continued friendship in the coming year. I do have a question for you. Could you let me know where you got the pen engraved? My name is spelled incorrectly, and I would like to see if they can adjust it.” The giver may well offer to take care of it. Your colleague should decide ahead of time if he will accept the giver’s offer if it is made.

On the other side of the coin, when giving engraved or monogrammed gifts, it pays to double-check the spelling of the recipients’ names before you give the gift.

Q. Hi. I love this column and often cut out the questions and answers and bring them into work. I particularly like the recent one on bullying. It is a relevant topic and one that is not addressed very appropriately or often in the workplace.

I am a little confused by the answer about thank you notes after a holiday office party. I thought company parties are a way for the employer to say "thanks" and therefore not something the employee should have to send a thank you for attending. If the parties are hosted and paid for by a boss or colleague out of their own pocket, then a thank you is expected. How are the attendees to know? It is always OK to send a thank you if you are not sure and to err on the side of graciousness?

I do think these non-thankers believe the way I do, though and have no idea they should be sending a thank you. Perhaps they all get bonuses and other thank you incentives from their employer. If so, they are lucky to be employed and should show their gratitude with a simple thank you note.

J. T., Salisbury, MA

A. Thank you for your kind comments particularly about bullying in the workplace, which is a serious issue and needs to be addressed by individuals and companies as well as by our legislatures. It is a scourge that should not be tolerated and perpetrators should face consequences for their despicable behavior.

As for the thank-you note issue: Is the holiday party an obligation on the part of the company, something owed to employees like a paycheck, or is it a way of saying thanks and showing appreciation? Most of us would say that it is a gesture of appreciation. The kind, considerate action on the receiver’s part is to acknowledge that statement of appreciation by saying thank you in return. In fact, the best response is to express your thanks twice: Once when you leave the party and again with a short note in the next day or two.

A thank you really shouldn’t be an “I have to,” it should be an “I want to.” Change your mind set from one of thinking of writing a note as an obligation to thinking of the note as an opportunity to say, “I am the kind of person who knows how to show my appreciation for what others do for me.” In last week’s scenario, it was interesting that the manager pointed out that support staff wrote thank-you notes, but that his more upper level reports did not, subtly implying that the company “owed” them the party or dinner. Not writing the thank-you note and implying they’re owed is having a decidedly down-side effect. Conversely, if the employees send a thank you note, there is only an up-side. Sending a thank-you note is an opportunity. Do it.

Q. I am a senior manager at a small but rapidly growing human services firm with 3 offices in Boston. I manage 15 professional level staff who provide the services we market.

Each year the co-owners of my firm throw one large and a couple of smaller parties and gatherings with food, drinks, etc to which all staff and spouses/partners are invited. And each year I am shocked that almost none of the professional staff formally thank their boss for these parties. This lapse of professional courtesy is noticed by the firm principle, and she finds it disappointing and hurtful. Further, negative feelings accrue over time toward members of the professional staff who are otherwise good employees.

It is my sense that this lapse in politeness is causing some to been seen in a negative light. My question is, as their direct manager can I intervene and give some instruction about professional courtesy at regular staff meeting or in a memo or is this beyond my role?

E. F., Boston, MA

A. As their manager, not only do you hold your staff accountable for their actions, but their actions also reflect directly on you, and, right now, they're not painting a good picture.

Consequently, it’s imperative that you remedy the situation. By far the best way to handle the issue is in person, either at a regular staff meeting, or, perhaps even better, at a specially called meeting, which shows how important you think this is. You can teach them yourself or bring in an expert to help them learn not only the craft of writing a thank-you note, but also the underlying reasons why they should be doing it and how it will benefit them.

In the years I have been teaching business etiquette, I have found it’s important to provide the “why” if I am going to change people’s behavior. In your case the “why” is their image in the eyes of the people who hold sway over promotions and purse strings.

It’s simple really. Ask your professionals: “Would you rather have someone appreciate you or think poorly of you?” Then add that when that person is the firm principle, the answer is twice as easy to figure out. Right now their image is a negative one.

The beauty of thank-you notes is that the fix is really easy. They take no more than five minutes out of a person’s day, and, yet, thank-you notes pay such rich rewards. The note itself can be short, three to five sentences work very nicely: “Dear Janice, Marge and I enjoyed the office holiday party last night. The evening was a great opportunity to get to know our colleagues and their spouses personally. I didn’t know Jim is such an avid rock climber, something I enjoy as well. Thank you for hosting such a fun event. Best, Peter”

Schedule the training session ASAP.

Q. Employees continue to eat food from the fridge that does not belong to them even though the food items are clearly labeled with a co-worker's name!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

J. P., Bloomingdale, NJ

A. I’m confounded by the workplace kitchen. Colleagues steal food, leave messes for others to clean up, leave food to rot and smell long after it should have been thrown out, and leave the lunch table or break room a mess. I hear about it repeatedly, and I’m appalled.

The simplest solution for you may be to bring your food in a small, insulated lunch carrier that will protect it without having to put it in the refrigerator. That way you can keep it at your desk and away from light-fingers. While this may solve your problem, it leaves the lunch thief at large and shifts the problem to the next victim.

Short of installing a security camera - likely to be seen as management spying - or catching the thief in the act, your next official step is to take it to management. Ask if you can bring this up at the next office meeting. Alerting coworkers to be on the lookout may be enough of a deterrent to foil the lunch-lifter.

If that brings no joy, then it’s time to propose a kitchen policy. In your situation, I suggest getting like-minded, frustrated employees together and recommending a policy to management.

Creating rules requires determining the consequences and who will be responsible to do the enforcing. Be specific in your recommendations not only with the problems but also with the consequences. What do you do if a food thief is caught? Is a warning sufficient or is stealing really stealing, whether it’s someone’s lunch or money from the cash register? If dishes are left in the sink and no one takes responsibility, do you close the kitchen to all?

Each company will have to decide the severity of the consequences for the different infractions. The key is that once articulated, the rules must be enforced for everyone. Unfortunately, you may not be able to get a policy instituted precisely because it requires enforcement. Management’s attitude may be: “Hey, we’re all adults here. People should be able to be responsible for themselves.”

At the very least, try posting the following advice for the workplace kitchen or break room:

• Leave it alone unless it’s yours.
• Clean up your dishes.
• Throw it out or take it home.
• Wipe off and clean up counters, common area tables and chairs.

P.S. Please, don't even think about lacing your food with a laxative or other substance. While it may seem like a tempting pay-back, it could have severe or adverse medical consequences.

Q: My husband owns a small business. 2010 was a relatively good year for his business (compared to 2009 and 2008). He wants to have a holiday party in late December at a local restaurant. Do companies still have these parties? I am concerned about some people overdoing it with alcohol. What can we do to prevent this?

A: I am happy to hear that your husband’s business had a successful year in 2010. Congratulations to him and his company!

From what I have observed, many companies are enjoying holiday parties but the events seem to be far more casual and less glitzy than in past years. Some of my clients are having brunches at local restaurants (probably to avoid the concern that you have shared). Some of my clients are having potluck events in their office conference rooms with no alcohol being served. I have a few clients who are ordering pizzas and salads during a lunch hour in December. Although few in number, I know of a few companies who are renting function rooms at restaurants or hotels to celebrate the success that they enjoyed in 2010. If alcohol is being served at a company event, it is sometimes helpful to issue reminders in advance in a non-threatening but professional way. One example of an email that your husband could send to all employees in advance of the event:

I look forward to joining you at 6:30pm on Saturday, Dec 18, 2010 at the ABC Restaurant (the Blue Room) at 123 Main Street in Anytown, Mass. Dinner will be served at 7pm. I am thankful to each and every employee for their contributions in 2010. I look forward to enjoying the company of co-workers, our invited guests and a delicious meal. I also want everyone to be safe. Please drink responsibly and enjoy the evening. I will see you on the 18th!

A few recommendations for holiday and/or end of year parties –

1. As a business leader, model appropriate behavior. Ask your senior team members to also model professional behavior. Emphasize the meal and the chance to get to know others while enjoying dinner. Ask your senior team members to specifically avoid conversations (even in a joking manner) that could be construed as encouraging excessive alcohol consumption. An example of a comment that should be avoided: “Things have been so tight at ABC Co. for two years now that I have decided that if Mr. Jones is buying the drinks at the party, I will be doing the drinking!”
2. Remind senior leaders and all employees that professional behavior is still expected even during a holiday or end of year event.
3. Avoid religious connotations in your messaging and décor so that all on your guest list feel welcome and included.
4. If serving alcohol, use trained bartenders to help minimize liability as well as to identify behavioral changes as a result of alcohol consumption.
5. If an employee or guest does drink alcohol in excess, ensure that the individual(s) is able to get home safely. Consider paying for a cab or requesting a sober colleague to drive them home.

Most employees will behave in a professional manner, especially if it is a company-sponsored event. However, a company’s culture and past history of social events can influence future events.

Q. My friend works in a legal office as an administrative assistant with much experience and excellent reviews. Occasionally, she must give coverage to a certain female attorney. This woman "goes off" frequently—at every real or imagined "wrong" that this assistant does. She "scolds" in a loud, belittling, and sarcastic way. Several people in the office have, over the years, left, supposedly because of this woman's rude behavior. My friend gets incredibly stressed over this, but because she is nearing retirement age, doesn't want to "rock" the boat and worries that she will be the one reprimanded. She has been told to "suck it up" by other workers.

What can be done? It is bullying!

Anonymous

A. Unfortunately, because your friend is close to retirement and doesn’t want to take an action that will possibly jeopardize her job, her best option may be to “suck it up.” Here’s why: In American business the bully, who is statistically likely to be a person of a higher status, is also likely to have a protector, a person or people of equal or higher status. A study commissioned by the Workplace Bullying Institute found:

• 62% of bullying incidents result in no consequences for the person doing the bullying.
• 72% of bullies are a person of higher status.
• 64% of those bullied either leave their job voluntarily (40%) or are terminated (24%).
• 23% of the bullies were terminated (14%) or punished (9%).

For your friend, these statistics paint a grim picture, suggesting that by reporting the behavior she may end up being the person who suffers the consequences. Understandably, she may not be willing and, perhaps, she shouldn’t take the chance. Possible other courses of action include:

• Talking to the bully. Don’t have the conversation when the bullying is occurring and focus on discovering the underlying issue and how to get past it.
• Convincing the other workers to bring the issue up as a group with management. There is strength in numbers and, short of leaving her job, this approach may have the best chance of success.
• Trying to identify and talk to a person in management who is not a protector of the bully. Remember, more often than not the bully is the person who is protected.

If she chooses to address the issue in these ways, she needs to do so with her eyes wide open that the result may not be good for her. Only she can decide whether she is willing to risk her job to expose the issue, and that even in risking her job, the bully may not be thwarted.

Bullying is a scourge on the workplace. Bullying negatively impacts businesses and individuals as it leads to reduced work effort, stress in the workplace, people quitting their jobs, lost profits, and problems with recruitment. An excellent source for more information, The Bully At Work by Gary Namie and Ruth Namie spells out the rather depressing realities of bullying in the workplace. Please, have your friend read this book.

Last week's column focused on gift giving within the office. However, that's not the only type of gift giving that occurs at this time of the year. Clients give gifts to a business they work with and vice versa. These gift exchanges happen both on an individual level and between companies.

If on an individual basis you are considering giving a gift to a client or someone you do business with, the first step is to make sure you abide by that company's gift rules. Some companies simply don't allow employees to receive gifts while others put a limit on the value of the gift. Giving a gift that's outside the parameters means that the employee will be put in the awkward position of having to return the gift. If you receive a gift that exceeds the limit, let the giver know why you are returning it and be sure to thank him for his thoughtfulness.

Once you know that giving a gift is permissible, keep it professional in nature, nothing personal that could be misinterpreted. Even if you think that a blouse would be a great gift because it’s the perfect color, your client may perceive the gift as having romantic overtones.

If you receive a gift, open it then and there if the giver is with you. A heartfelt thank you on the spot is great and a follow-up thank-you note is a perfect way to express your appreciation and also reach out to the giver one more time. If the giver is not present when you open the gift, it is imperative that you write the thank-you note not only to express your appreciation but also to let the giver know that you received the gift. Don’t worry if you don't have a gift to give in return. Keep the focus on the giver and the gift. A few days later you can always reciprocate, if you wish.

People angst too much over the thank-you note and then end up not writing it. Keep it to three or four sentences

Simon,

Thanks so much for coming by the office yesterday. The book on Tuscany is beautiful and you know how much I love vacationing there. Thank you for such a kind present and I’m really looking forward to working with you in the new year.

Peter

Gifts given and received on behalf of the company, department, or office are really appreciated and are a great way to honor the team. Chocolates, a basket of fruit, a gift box of cheeses and crackers, a tin with a variety of popcorn flavors are all great gifts that everybody can enjoy. Be sure to put the gift out where all can share in it. As with gifts between individuals, a thank-you note is imperative not only to express appreciation for the gift but also to let the giver know it has been received.

Q: It’s the holiday season, and the questions are starting to be asked: “Do I have to give my boss a gift?’ or “Do I have to get everyone in my department a gift” or “What’s an (in)appropriate gift for a colleague or manager?”

A: It’s not a good idea to give a gift to a manager just from you. From the perspective of the other people in your department you can look like you are trying to curry favor with her. Or you may end up putting your colleagues in the position of either having to buy a gift or competing against you by buying a more expensive gift. The best solution is for the workers in your area to pool their resources and buy one gift for the boss from everyone. Result: no competition and everyone is viewed equally.

If you want to give a gift to a colleague but don’t want to get one for everyone in the department, it’s best to give the gift outside of the work environment. This way, those not receiving one won’t feel left out. Also, you are making the gift giving a personal gesture, not something associated with business. If you’ve received a gift from a colleague, give your thanks right away, but it’s not a good idea to talk about the gift or lavish thanks and praise on the giver in front of coworkers.

As we are just entering the gift-giving season, now would be a good time to have your office set a gift-giving policy to avoid the “Do I get everyone in the office a gift” problem. As easy as it is to establish a “No -gifts” policy, people genuinely like having some form of an exchange. It can be as simple as drawing names from a hat. (We’ve been asked “Is it OK to trade names?” No, it isn’t.)

If you do give a gift to a colleague or your boss (perhaps you are in a small office), give a gift that isn’t personal or suggestive in any way. Stay away from perfumes, colognes, and intimate clothing items. Good options include: chocolates; specialty food items or gift baskets; an item for an office such as a picture frame or desk accessory; tickets to the movies or a play, theater, opera or a sporting event; a book; or an item relating to a hobby or sport the person enjoys.

Finally, be sure to thank the giver. If possible, open the gift when it is given so you can thank the person immediately. A brief follow up thank-you note is the perfect way to let the giver know you appreciate her thoughtfulness.

Hi, I have to tell you about a personal experience with languages in the workplace. This is a late response to your column of a few months ago: "Should bilingual co-workers chat in their native tongue?" This is a true story.

I was the leading salesman for my former company when my boss wanted me to sit in on a product demo a hopeful new vendor wanted us to add to our arsenal. We met with the two reps in our conference room at our corporate office. They and the product were from France. After about twenty minutes I asked a legitimate question pertaining to the product’s performance/track record. I wasn't trying to stump them, but evidently I did as they started talking to each other in French. Well, not only was that extremely rude and totally unprofessional, they had no idea my boss was French Canadian and understood everything perfectly. They then addressed me back in English and said they would have to get back to us. My boss and I of course kept perfect poker faces. When they left, my boss told me that no one had ever asked that before and that they had no idea what to tell us. The two of us had a good laugh. By the way, they never sold us anything, and we never invited them back. So reverting to their native language backfired on them.

Thought this would help your arsenal of dos and don’ts. Our great company has since been sold but my old boss and I remain friends.

G. G., Everett, MA

To paraphrase one of Murphy’s Laws: If something can go wrong, it will; and it will go wrong at the worst possible moment. Your story illustrates the risks a person takes in being surreptitious. You make a comment or discuss an issue using a foreign language thinking people around you won’t know what you are saying, and it turns out they know exactly what you were saying. Maybe you’ll recover, and maybe you won’t. But you can be sure that the one time you really didn’t want to be caught, that’s the time you will be. In your example, if these two vendors needed to have an offline conversation to try to get an answer, they should have been up front and excused themselves: “We need a moment to review and discuss your question. Would you excuse us, please? “

We send emails to one person gossiping or denigrating another. The email gets seen by the person being talked about. During a break on a conference call, we push the mute button and then comment negatively about the people on the call. Unfortunately, that’s the time the button doesn’t engage, and the other party hears our comments. The situations are endless, and the results can be disastrous. Be careful out there. Don’t let Murphy catch you.

Q: I left a job in the early fall of 2010. I enjoyed good working relationships with my supervisor, my co-workers and the small team of employees who I supervised. My departure was professional, amicable and only because I found a similar role much closer to my home (cutting more than 20 miles from my commute). Since I have left my former company, one of my former colleagues (who I was not very close to when we worked together), keeps contacting me pretty frequently. She sends me invitations to events, has sent me friend requests on Facebook, texts me, emails me and calls me on my cell phone. We never had a close relationship when I worked with her so I am surprised by this. Occasionally a group of us would go out after work but we never had a real friendship. I don’t want to offend her but how to I get her to stop contacting me? It is becoming a nuisance.

A: Relationships developed within the workplaces can present challenges. Sometimes romantic relationships start in the office. Sometimes lasting friendships begin while colleagues work closely on a challenging client project. Sometimes one employee hopes for more than a professional relationship while the other employee prefers to maintain some distance. It sounds like your circumstance falls in the last category.

I think your former colleague needs to be sent a clear message in a professional but direct manner. You could email her a message since you did not have a particularly close relationship with her in the past. One possible message might be:

Jane, I have received your messages (all of them!). I hope you are well. I can barely keep up with my regular emails and other correspondence from friends, co-workers and family members. Can you please stop attempting to contact me? It is honestly feeling overwhelming. I wish you the best at ABC. Thank you for respecting my wishes, Jen

With this message, you have professionally and politely told her to stop reaching out to you. If she continues and you feel anxious or threatened, you may want to alert your local police and/or your former employer. In Massachusetts, if her behavior continued, it could be considered stalking. Stalking is a crime.

One of my reasons for suggesting an email (rather than a telephone call) is that you may need this email to prove that you asked her to stop contacting you. And you probably don't want to truly engage with her in a live conversation. If your former colleague does not stop her behavior, it would be helpful to have a copy of this email available. It would clearly demonstrate that you have requested her to stop contacting you. This would likely assist you if you had to provide the police with evidence that supports your concern. Additionally, do not destroy other evidence of her behavior.

Q: I participated in the interview process (2 rounds) with a prospective employer this past August. The second round consisted of a meeting with the hiring manager and a senior executive in the company. Since then, I received positive feedback from the HR liaison shortly after the second interview, however, I have not heard back from this organization during the last 2 months. What can I reasonably expect in terms of communication from this organization as to the status of my candidacy? Thank you.
T. L., East Freetown, MA

A: Unfortunately, you’re closing the barn door after all the cows have escaped.

If you didn’t ask for a time frame for their decision, then two weeks from your last interview, you should have felt comfortable calling to ask about the status of hiring for the position. Given your situation—two months has passed without any word from the company—you may feel you don’t want to do this because, in essence, you are calling them out for not contacting you. One way around this awkwardness is to indicate that you are concerned they might have sent you information that you did not receive, essentially giving them the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, if you haven’t heard from them in two months either they may not be hiring at all or they may have gone with someone else.

In the future, at the end of an interview make a point to inquire what exactly the next step is or when you can expect to hear from the company. If you hear from them by that date, great; if you don’t, then it is appropriate to contact the company within a day or two after that date to ascertain your status and where they are in their decision making process. At each stage of the job application/interview process, you should always find out what the next step is and when you can expect to hear about it. By not asking, you can end up in the awkward position you are in now of not knowing when to follow up.

One piece of advice I’d like to share: Keep in mind that the interview process is a two-way street. You are gathering information about the prospective employer just as much as the employer is learning about you. If I were in your situation and the employer had indeed not contacted me about the position in two months—especially after two rounds of interviews—then I would wonder if this is a company I would want to work for.

In this day and age how is it still acceptable that men have to wear a shirt and tie and women don't? Shouldn't equality be a two-way street? Is it legal to require men and not women to follow this dress code? Has this ever been challenged in court or in a public forum?Thank you.

R. H., Reading, Ma

Most assuredly, equality should be a two-way street. But the sexes are different, and what constitutes formal dress, business casual, or casual dress for one sex is not automatically exactly what the other sex should have to wear. If it was, one might argue that men should be required to wear a skirt and suit jacket just as easily as you argue that women should have to wear a tie (the shirt goes without saying unless she is wearing a dress).What has happened, and what is reasonable, is that gender-appropriate clothing has been defined for different levels of formality.

For instance, with a business formal attire policy a suit, shirt, and tie is appropriate for men while a pant or skirt suit with a jacket and a formal shirt is appropriate for women. When wearing a skirt, business formal dress calls for women to wear hose as well. Imagine if the code was identical for both men and women and men had to wear skirts and hose. Frankly, I’ll happily wear the tie instead of having to wear hose.

Businesses can—and should—set their own dress codes. When a person applies for a job at a company, he should learn what the company standards are and be prepared to follow the standards as an employee of that company. Problems with what is appropriate or inappropriate dress almost always reflect a business’ failure to establish a well-defined dress code. When the dress code is vague—“We have a business casual code at XYZ company”—inevitably employees are left wondering whether a collarless shirt is acceptable, if Capri pants are acceptable, what footwear is acceptable, or if a golf shirt is acceptable. By explicitly defining terms, these questions are resolved and, perhaps most importantly, not left to interpretation by managers of different divisions or departments.

In larger corporations dress codes can vary between departments and between locations. What’s acceptable dress in an accounting department may be different from what’s acceptable in the executive offices. Similarly, what’s acceptable in the Los Angeles, California office may be different from what’s acceptable in the Atlanta, Georgia office. Employees need to know and respect those differences.

Dress codes haven’t been instituted to make life more difficult for employees. Their value rests in that they make it easier for employees to know what to wear to show respect for the company, the clients, and fellow co-workers. An employee’s job isn’t to push the limits of the dress code; rather it’s to respect the code and work within its limitations.

Q. I need some advice on how to handle a demoralizing situation. A co-worker was transferred to my department. To put it kindly, she is a lazy, gossiping, drama queen. She arrives late/leaves early, disappears for hours in the afternoon and avoids work at all costs. She thinks nothing of cornering people for an hour at a time, going on some tirade or other.

She very openly speaks disparagingly of our manager and our department - including me. Rather than speaking to management, people are coming to me to report what she's saying. I've told senior managers, including HR, but it seems no one is willing to do anything about this. Our manager is trying to crack down and is writing her up for tardiness and missed assignments but since senior management won't fire her, she just continues her bad behavior. Her latest thing is to complain that she is being overworked while I get "special treatment". I just want the situation resolved. I've been told to be patient and to not let her bother me but I really feel like I'm in the middle. What do I do?

A. Disputes, dislike, and disparagement among colleagues contributes to a total erosion of any positive culture an organization might have. When so much time and energy goes into bad behavior, commenting on bad behavior, and the continued reporting of the same, the work of the organization gets lost.

Everyone involved in these kinds of "daytime dramas" needs to find new and more effective ways to deal with this disruptive behavior. The most challenging person is your new co-worker, and we need to limit the impact she has on you, and your colleagues. Something is working for her in the current circumstances, and she has no reason to change the situation. You, however, are not happy with the status quo, and are motivated to eliminate yourself from the "middle position".

When colleagues approach you to report on her behavior, you need to politely interrupt their rampage, and let them know that you do not want to know. After a pause, where they might be wondering if you are serious, you may need to respond "Really - I do not want to know. I appreciate your support, but I just don't want to be involved with this." You may need to take this approach over several weeks before people stop approaching you, but when said in a positive way, demonstrating professional behavior and conversation in all your other interactions, people will understand and believe you. You no longer have to be in the middle, and those who feel the continued need to report on her behavior can direct their comments to the manager and human resources.

No employee should allow themselves to be cornered by another employee for an hour and subjected to employee tirades. The time taken from the job is significant, and there is typically no problem solving involved in these kinds of conversations. Employees put into this position can encourage the ranting employee to discuss the issues they are having with Human Resources or their manager.

If these issues continue, you can meet with human resources, and your manager to help them understand the impact this person’s behavior is having on the morale. Once you have done that, recognize that the resolution of this and similar situations rest with management taking on a leadership role.

Q. My colleague left a project in my care while he was out of the office. While I was working on it, I discovered an error he had made. I wasn’t sure how to correct it, so I brought the issue to our boss, who helped me. However, it also came up in the conversation how the error came to be, which does not look great for my colleague. I didn’t mean to be a tattletale, and now I feel like I owe him an apology–will that just make things more awkward?
Anonymous
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

A: “Tattletale” and “apology” aren’t words I thought of when I considered your situation. The fact is your colleague turned his project over to you, and it had an error in it, an error you weren’t responsible for. Your goal was to continue the work on your colleague’s project and have it be accurate. Once you realized there was an error and you needed your boss’s help in resolving it, you had no choice but to talk with him. Otherwise, your boss might be left with the impression that the error was yours. You were not a tattletale.

Instead of “apology” I think of the word “explanation.” Preferably that explanation would be given before your boss talks with your colleague. It ‘s better that he hears what happened from you so he isn’t caught unaware when your boss talks with him about the mistake.

By the way, everyone should remember that it’s not a matter of “if” you’re going to make a mistake at work, it’s a matter of what you’re going to do about it “when” the mistake happens. Owning up to a mistake is the first step and that means accepting responsibility and apologizing. The second step is having a solution if possible. Don’t put the onus of fixing the mistake on someone else’s back, especially your boss’s back. And don’t wait for your boss to come see you; ask to speak with him right away. By taking the initiative, accepting responsibility, and offering a solution you have the best chance of recovering. “Mr. Smith, could I speak with you for a moment? I don’t know for sure, but you may already have seen the email I sent to Tom which included some unkind remarks about you. I am very sorry. I should never have written it, much less sent it. I realize now that if I have an issue, I need to come see you about it. Perhaps at the next staff meeting I could lead a discussion reminding everyone about what constitutes an appropriate email and what doesn’t. Again, I’m very sorry.”

Q: I enjoy your column and generally think you give sensible, practical advice, but your answer to the question of how to react to a rude stranger was irresponsibly inadequate. Of course there are minor indignities that we should all be prepared to ignore, whether we're victims or witnesses. But much of the recent conversation about bullying identifies the enablers who either encourage or won't disapprove of a bully and thus empower the bully and make the victim feel more isolated. When we witness something wrong, it is our duty as citizens and humans to try to help. That might mean finding a manager to let them know what's happening. It might mean sympathizing with the victim afterward. It might mean saying, "STOP IT," if the situation feels threatening. A well placed, "That was rude," to the offender registers your disapproval. It may not cause a stranger to see the light, but social censure is pretty powerful.

The problem with your answer is that it encourages an eyes-averted "not my problem" response that weakens the fabric of society. I think you should intervene any time you would want someone to help you if the situation were reversed. Please consider acknowledging that rudeness is a problem and that anyone not part of the solution is part of the problem.
D.B. Boston, MA

A. Rudeness, incivility, and bullying are clearly a problem. Bullying is the worst with tragic consequences as we’ve seen in story after story. I appreciate your point of view and agree with most of what you say. Because the column focused on rudeness, not bullying, I stand by my advice: don’t challenge a stranger who is being rude. It would be irresponsible of me to give blanket advice encouraging readers to point out a stranger’s rudeness since there is no way to predict the stranger’s reaction as so clearly pointed out in the L. A. Times story referenced in last week's column. The fact that someone is behaving rudely in the first place is a clue that he or she doesn’t particularly care about the feelings or opinions of others. If the situation is egregious enough to warrant intervention, get a person in authority involved. Offer comfort to the person who was on the receiving end of the rudeness. Be a good example yourself. These are not only appropriate, but they are also the things a considerate and respectful individual wants to do.

Q. I am a contractor working in an open area work space with 10 others. I have worked as a contractor for over a decade (I've also worked as a full-time employee), and I have been in my current assignment for 5 months. I do my job well and with a great attitude. Unfortunately, some of my work is supervised by a VP who is not a very nice person. He's younger than I, treats me disrespectfully, and plays fantasy football. He just doesn't like me. I told our boss that I was getting no feedback from this VP for the work I had done for him. He doesn't explain things appropriately and has intentionally tried to give me as little information as possible. Yesterday, this VP came into the work area after a meeting with our boss and told everyone that a certain someone needed more feedback. "How ridiculous...you need a friend? This isn't the place..." He made a mockery of me in the process. I was horrified. In this open work space, to be singled out by him and have my colleagues laughing about it, I felt deeply offended. Now I want to take action and challenge him. How do I do this without losing my contract?

A. These are some great examples of bad management behavior at the VP level, and perhaps his boss as well. If you are looking to take action and "challenge him", we can add you to the bad behavior bucket too. Keep your contract, and take action. I don't see this as challenging someone, but as advocating for yourself, and ensuring a professional work environment for yourself and others. Continue to do your job well, and with a great attitude.

You have enough work experience to have run into people who are not nice people, and those who just don't like you. It happens. It can make the environment difficult, annoying, and frustrating, but you should always remain professional. You have a bad boss. That happens too, and there are ways to deal with the situation professionally.

It is clear you do not like your manager. The fantasy football comment gave it away. Many employees are challenged by working with bad managers, managers they do not like, or with managers who exhibit a dislike for them. Options are limited. You can quit; you can act unprofessionally and risk being fired, or you can be extremely professional. Resolving these kinds of situations in a more positive manner typically rests with the employee rather than the manager.

You tried to raise your concerns with the more senior boss, and you should have been able to discuss this situation with him and to get support. You may have chosen to have this discussion too soon in the process, and by complaining rather than taking a more problem solving approach. In this kind of situation employees can be better served by looking for help solving the problem. Saying, "I am not getting enough direction or feedback from the VP. Do you have any suggestions for me to improve the situation?" This keeps the responsibility with you, the senior manager understands the problem, and you do not earn the complainer reputation. Most often a manager will ask you if you would like them to intervene, and early in the process you can decline. You many need support later - particular if the public embarrassment is repeated.

I'm sorry your colleagues didn't respond in a more supportive manner. Managers like this trade employee targets, and look for applause from the audience. As soon as people realize they will be the next target, they might not be as amused by his bad management activity. Colleagues can help put an end to this type of bullying by being dismissive of these types of comments.

Some people shouldn't be in management, and your VP may be too immature for this kind of role. If you want to keep your contract, deal with him professionally, and use his boss to build support, but not run interference.

At a seminar I was giving this week, a participant asked me: "I recently saw a person being rude to a sales clerk. I wanted to march up to him and tell him that what he was doing was wrong. When is it OK to say something to a stranger who is being rude?"

It seems so reasonable. A person is rude. So we say something to him. He sees the light and changes his ways. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. Criticizing a stranger for rude behavior may seem like the right thing to do, but in reality, you take a serious risk of being on the receiving end of a nasty reaction. The fact is you don't know how a stranger might react to being criticized. Instead of being appreciative, the stranger may respond verbally or physically.

This point was driven home by a story in the March 10, 2010 on-line edition of the Los Angeles Times. It's really hard to imagine how a person attending the movies or a show could think it is appropriate to use a cell phone during the performance. Audiences are repeatedly warned not to use a cell phone before the show starts. Yet, there were three people sitting together and talking on the cell phone during the movie. Apparently, a person sitting nearby complained to them about their cell phone use during the movie. The complaint seemed to work as the three people got up and left the theater. Problem solved.

Not so fast. A few minutes later two of the people returned to the theater and stabbed the complainer in the neck with a meat thermometer. The theater was dark so it was difficult to recognize or provide a description of the assailants. The headline told the story: "Moviegoer is stabbed after complaining about cell phone user." The story asked the public for help in identifying the assailants.

I don't think the complainer thought he would be attacked, but attacked he was. You simply never know how a stranger is going to respond to your unsolicited criticism no matter how accurate you might be. What alternative did he have? He could have talked to someone in charge—an usher or the manager—and asked them to deal with the cell phone users. Once the theater has established a rule, it is the management's job to enforce the rule. So let the people in charge be responsible for dealing with the rude behavior. It sounds like a cop-out to hand the problem over to a person in authority, but it's not. It's a matter of your own safety.

Many restaurant portions these days are huge, sometimes enough for three moderate meals. Is it ever acceptable at a business meal to take home one’s leftover portion, especially if you are not the one paying? I was attending a dinner seminar at a table for twelve, and was very reluctant to let half of a fancy steak go to waste. But I felt it was not at all proper to ask the waiter to “wrap it up”. Marching out of the meeting with a bag in-hand would seem rather gauche, don’t you think?

C. P., Beverly, MA

I do think it would look rather gauche. Image is an important component in business. Sometimes it is very difficult to see yourself through another person’s eyes. From your perspective you see half a steak going to waste, so, you think to yourself, “Why shouldn’t I take it home?” But, from the other dinner participants’ perspective, you’re potentially projecting the image that the food is where your thoughts are, not your interaction with them. Remember, your goal is to be a participant who is valued for her contribution to the conversation and who inspires the host to invite you to the next event.

From an etiquette point of view, taking home the leftovers is gauche because the host is paying for your meal. After all, if this were a meal at her home, would you ask for a “to-go” bag? One possible exception would be if the host specifically invites you to take the rest of the steak home as she, too, hates to see such a good piece of meat go to waste. The downside is that it singles you out, rather than having the focus remain on the table conversation. That may be a little uncomfortable for you.

Your best bet is to avoid the situation altogether. Try ordering a petite filet instead of the 12- or 14-ounce large filet. Look for “small portion” items on the menu which many restaurants are starting to offer as an option. Or, consider ordering two appetizers as your meal, one to come with the other appetizers and one to come when main courses are served. Often they can be the most original, best tasting dishes on the menu and the amount of food is much more reasonable. If you’re offered a pre-set menu—“Would you like the steak or the fish?”—ask your waiter about portion size and request a smaller one.

Here are three additional tips for ordering from a menu at a business lunch or dinner:

• Look for medium priced items.
• Order something that’s easy to eat—avoid foods that are messy or complicated to eat: spaghetti, mussels, artichokes, lobster or ribs (unless you’re at a lobster or rib restaurant).
• Order familiar dishes. There’s nothing worse than ordering something and then when you see it, knowing you can’t possibly eat even one bite.

It’s a special pleasure to write this column as it marks the sixth anniversary of Etiquette at Work in the Boston Globe.

The final issue pertaining to dining etiquette in the question submitted by C. P.’s Business Management class involves cell phones. Nothing can make a dining experience go south faster than a ringing cell phone as illustrated in the following scenario:

“Recently, I took a client to lunch at a really nice restaurant which I know has a ‘no cell phones’ policy. After we sat down to eat, his phone rang, and he answered it and proceeded to have a conversation. The maitre d’ came over and asked him to turn it off, and my client got a little testy. The whole situation ended up being a fiasco. What should I have done?”

Once you’re at the table and Tom answers his phone, you, his host, have a split-second decision to make: If you’re sure enough of yourself, you can get his attention and say quietly, “Tom, there really is a no cell phones policy. Please step outside to take your call. Thanks.” If you are uncomfortable saying something directly to Tom because, as a client, you don’t want to risk offending him, then say nothing and hope nobody complains or the maitre d’ ignores the offense. Or, you could excuse yourself from the table. You might dodge the testy exchange, but your client probably won’t be in the best mood if the maitre d' has visited the table during your absence. None of these solutions is ideal, as, basically, you’re dealing with damage control.

You do have a better alternative than simply hoping your guest doesn’t use his phone. As you enter the restaurant, take your phone out of your pocket and point out the no cell phones policy to your guest by saying, “Tom, I’m going to turn off my phone now. There’s a no cell phone policy here, and they’re sticklers for enforcing it.” Hopefully, Tom gets the hint and turns his phone off, too. But even if he doesn’t, you’ve given him fair warning about the consequences.

There are two pieces of advice pertaining to dining etiquette to be gleaned from this scenario. As a host, it’s your responsibility to take care of your guest. That includes informing him ahead of time of policies that could affect him, such as dress codes or cell phone use. And while I’m normally not a fan of blanket etiquette rules, silencing your cell phone in a restaurant is an exception. Put it on vibrate, and if you simply must take a call, step outside or into the lobby. But at the table, let your focus be on the person you are with. Voice mail is free and it works. This is a great time to use it.

Last week’s question about table manners also asked the more general question: “What is the proper etiquette for business meals at restaurants?” “Proper etiquette” has purpose. It’s not simply rules for rules’ sake. In a nutshell, the purpose of dining etiquette is to make the act of eating as pleasant as possible.

Eating is really a gross activity. You have food on a plate. You cut it and/or try to balance it on a fork. Then you raise it to your mouth without letting it fall back onto the plate, the table, or you. Once you get the food in your mouth, you chew it up into a soft pulp which you then swallow. You do this thirty or forty times during a meal at the same time that you are trying to carry on a conversation with the other people at the table. Table manners limit the grossness of the act of eating and promote the social aspect of dining.

The most basic table manners—chew with your mouth closed, don’t talk with your mouth full—spare your tablemates the unpleasant sight of the first stage of digestion. Using utensils correctly ensures that food stays on the plate and is delivered to the mouth neatly, efficiently, and unobtrusively. If you have any doubt about your mastery of these basics, eat an entire meal in front of a mirror. What you see is what your dinner companions see. If you’re really not sure what to do, you can always wait and watch what other people are doing and then follow their lead.

As a guest at a business meal, you should be a pleasant dining companion and contribute intelligently to any business discussed, but your goal is to be invited back the next time. Your skill and confidence—or lack thereof—will be noticed. Take part in the general conversation while not dominating it. When there is no general conversation, make the effort to talk with the people seated next to and near you. Leave the impression in your host’s mind that you added materially to the meeting and that your dining manners are an asset, and you’ll make the best case for being included at the next event.

Finally, there are five key manners to be aware of at any business lunch or dinner:

• Don’t be late, not even 5 minutes late, and wait for your host to arrive before going to the table.
• Begin eating only after your host has asked you to or after the host starts eating.
• Don’t drink at all, or limit yourself to one alcoholic beverage throughout the event.
• It’s the host’s prerogative to initiate any business-related conversation.
• Thank your host twice: once at the end of the meal and then send a thank you note the next day.

Q. I am a contract employee in an office. A regular (non-contract) employee, who is not my supervisor, is almost constantly talking about her mother. She has asked me to help her do her work, criticized my e-mail style and tells me there are some people in the organization I should not email. (Is the latter directive because I am JUST a contractor?) Reportedly, she is now applying to be my supervisor. I do not feel comfortable with the situation but am afraid to leave due to my age and a less than stellar job history. Please advise what I should do.

A. In some offices there is a distinction between contract employees and “regular” employees. Contract or temporary employees are seen as having less seniority, and some staff feel entitled to provide contractors with more feedback, and/or direction than they would to a non-contractor colleague. While this isn’t the case in all offices, it does happen in many places, and is one of the down sides of contracting.

People who are successful contractors are prepared for all kinds of welcomes to a new work place. Some are great, kind, and thrilled to have the support of a new employee. Others are thrilled to have a new low man on the totem pole to pass on as many awful assignments as they can before they are stopped. Your goal is to be able to deal with both welcomes, do your work well enough to make your supervisor happy, and ride out the waves, not make them, in the office.

To successfully work in any office requires lots of patience. There are all types of people talking about a full range of topics. You are walking into relationships in progress, a culture others have experience with, and an array of danger zones. The woman who talks about her mother may be dealing with issues that others can relate to. The conversation may not be directed at you, but to others in the office. It may be annoying, but it doesn’t sound harmful, so I would just listen, offer a supportive look and nod, and keep working.

Let’s try and take a positive outlook, (a choice for us in how we see people– not easy, but it is a choice!) We might think this woman has sincerely offered you some help in getting acclimated to the organization. Perhaps other contractors have been given heat for emailing all levels of the organization when there had been a reporting structure in place for them to use. Was she trying to give you a heads up? Do her comments make your emails better? If they do, appreciate that fact. Figure out what you can learn from her. As long as your work is done, and whoever you report to does know you are assisting her with her work, do so. Team work is a huge component in positive relationships in offices, and contractors develop strong bonds learning how this works early on.

Your colleague may be applying for the role of supervisor and she is trying out her supervisory skills on you. You say you are uncomfortable, and it may be with fear of losing this position based on your relationship with someone who may become your supervisor. This may be the right opportunity to develop the work experience you have into something stellar, to develop the skills you need to stay long term, and to develop many positive relationships with colleagues and supervisors.

Q. I am an instructor, and I often use your column in my Office Administration course for Business Management undergraduates. My class benefits greatly from the advice you give and has decided to submit two questions as a group. (Readers: This is the second question from C. P.’s class.)

What is the proper etiquette for business meals at restaurants? For example, should you drink alcohol, should you offer to pay if you are with your supervisor, and how important are table manners when out with a supervisor/co-worker as opposed to family or friends?

C. P., Warwick, RI

A. Table manners matter. A lot. For some strange reason people take the measure of each other more by their table manners than by almost any other social skill. In business they can prove to be the differentiator between you and your competition. They also imply a lot about your confidence. If you know what to do when at the table, then your focus is on the person you are with and on building your relationship. If you don’t know what to do, then you fret about how to act and can appear unconfident or uninvolved. People like to do business with people who are focused and confident.

Drinking alcohol is a two-edged sword. On the one hand people ask, “Isn’t it important to be social and ‘keep up with the guys’?” Perhaps in the Mad Men era, but not today. There are a number of good reasons why a person might not drink in any situation: religious, medical, or personal. No one should feel the necessity to drink alcohol, and no one should coerce another person into drinking. On the other hand, drinking too much can quickly become a serious problem. Safety, of course, is of paramount importance. Beyond that, the fact is that alcohol affects judgment before the drinker even realizes it. Certainly, in business, you never want to put yourself into a position where you’ll have to apologize for your actions the next day. The only way to be sure alcohol won’t put you in that position is not to drink at all or to follow the “one drink rule”—nurse one drink through the evening, or, after one drink, switch to non-alcoholic beverages. Being on top of your game is more important than having one or two drinks.

As to who pays for the meal, whoever does the inviting does the paying. If your supervisor invites you out, then she is expecting to pick up the bill. If you are asked out but would like to do the paying, then offer to pay at the time of the ask, not when the check arrives at the table.

By the way, table manners are just as important when out with family or friends as when out with a supervisor, colleague, client, prospect or supplier. They all deserve your best.

I am an instructor, and I often use your column in my Office Administration course for Business Management undergraduates. My class benefits greatly from the advice you give and has decided to submit two questions as a group. (Readers: I’ll answer one question this week and one question next week.)

How do you handle a complete lack of manners in the workplace? For example, co-workers eating your food without permission, food that has gone bad in a common kitchen area, and co-workers who feel so at home that bodily functions during meal time are freely shared.
C. P., Warwick, RI

Your question covers ethics, taking responsibility for yourself, showing respect for others, and plain old-fashioned, everyday manners—and you haven’t even left the kitchen. Theft of food is no different than theft of money or anything else and should not be tolerated in the workplace. If you know who the thief is, you can try talking to him, preferably right while he is eating your food. “John, that’s my sandwich you’re eating. Did you realize that?” Let him know if it happens again you’ll report him to your boss. If you don’t know who the thief is, ask your boss to bring up the issue at the next staff meeting. If the boss is unwilling to intercede, you may have to avoid the problem altogether by using an insulated lunch box and keeping your food at your desk where it can’t be stolen.

Not taking the time to clean up your kitchen mess or leaving food to go bad in the refrigerator or cupboards is irresponsible and disrespectful to fellow employees. As a communal area, the kitchen should be left tidy and clean for the next person. Posting some common sense kitchen rules is important. Where there’s a rule, there should also be an enforceable sanction for breaking it. Get together with a couple of like-minded colleagues and propose a set of rules and consequences for your kitchen such as: names and dates on all containers; no food more than three days old in the fridge; clean and put away your dishes immediately—no dishes left to soak in the sink; wipe down the counter or your table after use. As for consequences, those who break the rules lose the privilege of using the kitchen for a period of time.

A discreet burp—followed by an “excuse me”—gets a pass, but a loud belch or other bodily noise requires a trip to the restroom. If someone near you repeatedly shares freely, ask to have a word in private. If the situation doesn’t improve, the next time he lets go, turn to him and say, “Larry, I’m sorry but that’s just unnecessary. Do you really have to do that and ruin lunch for the rest of us?”

Q. Our employees are paid for a 1/2 hour lunch break, but they actually take 1 hour. Once a month, we have a staff meeting during lunch, and we provide a full lunch for all the staff. I have one employee who then takes an hour to leave the premise, claiming she is entitled to that hour additional time as it is her lunch hour. Is she entitled to take this time?

A. Since Labor Day first created the 8 hour work day, discussions between employees and employers about the breaks that occur between the start and end of the day continue. Managers and employees, each from their own vantage point, can find the answer to support their view. Many employees are happy to get a nice lunch, or any meal, provided in the work place. Other employees are not impressed, and feel that these kinds of meetings are a method for employers to encroach on employees “break” time.

I consulted David Conforto, Founder of Conforto Law Group, P.C.; a Boston-based boutique firm concentrating in all aspects of employment law and dedicated to the representation of employees. Conforto says “the short answer is that an employer can require an employee to remain on the premises during a meal break, but must provide compensation if it places such a restriction.” Massachusetts employees who work more than six hours a day must be provided with a minimum of thirty minutes unpaid time for a meal.

Employers who violate this provision are subject to fines ranging from $300 to $600 per violation. Attorney Conforto goes on to explain “The Attorney General’s Fair Labor and Business Practices Division issued an Advisory Opinion that elaborated on the meal break provision. The Advisory Opinion took the position that an employee is entitled to a paid meal break where, as in this particular circumstance, the employer restricts movement.”

Based on the significant amount of litigation related to this topic, employers should be mindful of their obligation under the Massachusetts Wage Act to pay employees for all time worked. Therefore, because the mandatory lunch meeting would likely be considered work for which an employee should be compensated, the entire meal period should be paid, even if it lasts more than 30 minutes.

While the employee is not entitled to take that additional hour, a manager might want to look into what that time might be needed for. Though the pay situation isn’t affected, there may be alternative methods to support the employee if there is a compelling need. I have known employees who check on an elderly relative, or let the dogs out during that break. There will be a huge range of reasons, and if a manager and employee are willing to have a candid conversation, arrangements which both parties can agree to, without costing the organization more money, can often be created.

Q: What is a good way to help interns in your office learn to be more professional? There are two interns sitting near me this summer, and while I am not supervising them, I interact with them during most of the day. The problem is, they are completely unprofessional and I'm worried that it will reflect poorly on me because of our proximity because we all sit right outside of my boss' offices. They talk very loudly for a large portion of the day about topics unrelated to work. They also generally have a pretty bad work ethic. I have spoken to them and so has their manager, and they responded for a while, but it hasn't lasted. I think they just have no experience working in an office, and I know that this is their chance to get experience, but how can I help point them in the right direction and save my sanity?

A: Interns, students and others early in the career are often left to their own devices when trying to understand the organizational culture and expectations of the workplace. And company cultures differ. Flips flops may be completely acceptable in a technology start-up company in Cambridge. Yet, if you wore flip flops to the office for a large Boston law firm, you might be sent home to change your shoes!

It is helpful for many "newbies" to receive some guidelines or ground rules early on. Often this occurs during an orientation or onboarding program. Many of my clients have spent considerable time trying to establish ground rules up front and early (rather than later) in the hiring process. If expectations are clear in the beginning, it is much easier on all involved. Some ground rules to consider:

- Dress - specifying what is acceptable and what is not. This can be an enormous challenge especially in the summer months.
- Work schedules - including what are reasonable start and end times. Are there rules around break times, lunch times, overtime and expectations around flexibility?
- Use of office equipment including PCs and telephones - how, when and for what purpose? Can employees check social media sites during the day (or not).
- Are there guidelines for using personal cell phones or texting/instant messaging?
- There may be other norms within the office like who makes coffee, where it is acceptable to eat lunch, where to print documents, locations for smoking, etc.

Many interns need to be told directly that when they have completed their assigned work that they then need to raise their hands and ask, "What else can I do?" This is definitely the preferred behavior (rather than chat incessantly about topics unrelated to work). Again, it should be established as a ground rule early rather than letting poor work habits continue. Then these poor work habits become more difficult to control.

When I have conducted orientation programs, especially for those early in their careers, I always try to impress upon my audience a very important fact – first impressions count. There is no second chance to make a first impression. You and I know this face. And sometimes interns and those early in their career may need to make a few mistakes to understand that this is a truism.

Internships are often a testing ground. Employers will assess a group of interns over a summer or even a semester. If an employer is hiring, an employer will then decide who will receive a job offer (and who will not!). Work ethic and good work habits count!

Q. I work in a small office with a team of seven people. It's a relaxed atmosphere: no time clocks to punch, and self-reporting our vacation, personal, or sick time. Our boss treats us as professionals. She also is very understanding when someone needs to take time off for family or medical needs. Unfortunately, one particular co-worker does nothing but abuse these privileges. She has called in sick on average about 2-3 days per month. She arrives late on a daily basis. She takes long lunches (today it was 1 hour 45 minutes). She spends work hours on Facebook or other websites, on the phone chatting with friends, or doing other personal tasks all on the company dime. For years this has been the case, and we know that our boss is aware of her misconduct. Office morale hits a low point when the subject of this co-worker’s conduct comes up. We have contemplated chatting with the boss. But here's the issue, if the boss knows about her misconduct and hasn't corrected it in all these years, how can she possibly address the issue and not appear to be a poor manager to her own boss?
Anonymous

A. Procrastination causes more problems than it solves, and that’s definitely the case in your office. Most assuredly, the boss’s unwillingness to deal with the situation is problematic, but it’s still better to deal with it now, late as it is, than not to deal with it at all. The resulting morale problems and stress the situation is causing ultimately will affect productivity throughout your office. Unless something changes, there’s no reason to expect your boss to suddenly deal with the situation.
You can certainly try encouraging your boss to talk with the employee. As you and your co-workers have been at this office for a period of time, I recommend that two people who have developed a positive rapport with your boss meet with her. Focus on the effect that person’s behavior is having on office morale. Be prepared to back up all your statements with facts. “Maria, thank you for seeing us. We want to get your thoughts on a problem that we think is affecting office morale. While just Joyce and I are meeting with you, several others in the office share these concerns. As employees we appreciate that we are trusted to take responsibility for managing our work hours, personal time, and sick days. We’re not trying to make trouble for one person, but it appears that Marge is taking advantage of the trust given us. Her late arrivals, long lunches, and frequent sick days are having a negative effect on the team. Are you aware of it?” It’s important to ask that question to get her to reply specifically “yes” or “no”. From your conversation you’ll be able to gauge whether or not your boss will be galvanized to discuss the problem with Marge.
Good luck.

Q: A friend of mine was placed at our firm through an employment agency. She is now looking for a new job and contacted the same agency to see if they can help her. This agency let our office manager know that she is looking for a new job. I find this to be completely inappropriate and somehow illegal. Is there anything that can be done?

A: The intricacies of working with an employment agency can be complicated. First, let's look at how an employment agency is paid. Pay or income can often drive behavior! An employment agency usually works for the company or the employer. Often times, the agency has a written agreement with an employer that details the working relationship. Usually, the employment agency is NOT working for the candidate, or your friend. Your employer most likely paid a fee to hire your friend.

Now, let's discuss your specific questions. Your friend was placed at your company by an employment agency. Your employer likely paid a significant fee to the agency after your employer hired her. The employment agency probably has a written agreement with your employer. Sometimes that written agreement specifies a period of time where their placements are guaranteed. That means if the employee leaves within a certain time period (30, 60, 90 or 180 days), the agency may need to either replace the new hire (sometimes for free) or refund the fee (a full or partial refund).

The agency wants to retain the business of your employer, first and foremost. They are hoping to place other employees there and make more money. Their allegiance is likely to the employer, not your friend.

A detail that you didn't mention but would have been helpful to know: did the agency tell your friend that they would need to inform your employer before agreeing to work with your friend again? Ethically, this is probably the best approach. Then your friend can decide whether she wants to work with that agency again (and also understand that her current employer would know about her search for a new job) or choose to pursue other avenues to find a new job.

From what you have shared, what the agency has done is probably not illegal but unethical, maybe. If the agency advised your friend that they would have to inform your employer of her job search and she had taken steps to re-engage the agency to help her with her search, then, I am less likely to view them as unethical. After all, your employer is their client. However, if the agency called your employer without first discussing this with your friend, then I would be more concerned about the ethics of this agency.

One other factor is the length of service of your friend. If your friend has been employed with your company for several years, then the agency could probably work with your friend without compromising their current relationship with your employer. Agencies can not guarantee that a candidate will remain employed with a client indefinitely.

Q. I am hosting a happy hour at my new apartment for a handful of co-workers immediately following work on a Friday. No dinner, just drinks and appetizers, and just a little get together to show off my new place and chat outside of the work environment. My questions is: Do I need to make it a point to invite spouses to this event?

M. E., Minneapolis, MN

A. If you want spouses (and please, don’t forget significant others) to attend, then yes, you should make a point of letting the invitees know. You don’t have to invite spouses and significant others, but I think you’ll have a more vibrant, fun party if you do. Should you choose not to invite them, then, again, be sure you communicate this. There’s nothing worse for you, for the invitee, or for the invitee’s spouse than to be the only spouse or significant other to show up at the party.

Your question implies the possibility that only some of your co-workers are being invited. If that’s the case, be sure to keep your work life separate from your personal life. Issue invitations outside of work hours and by contacting invitees at home. Don’t do the inviting at the office where those not invited may notice and feel left out. For the same reason, don’t talk the party up at the office.

Here are six additional tips that can help make your evening a success:

1. Do your cleaning and party set up the night before so that your new place is party-ready when you leave home the morning of the event.

2. Plan well. Prepare as much of your food and beverages as early as you can. You don’t want to be in the kitchen fixing munchies when your guests arrive or during the party.

3. Remain calm and upbeat: your mood sets the tone.

4. Make your guests feel welcome. Greet them at the door and offer drinks, including non-alcoholic options. If possible, ask one of the guests to help you refresh people’s drinks as needed. Introduce spouses and significant others. And keep an eye out for anyone who doesn’t seem to be included and make an effort to have them join in conversation and be part of the party.

5. Be appreciative. Thank your guests for attending as they prepare to leave.

6. Be watchful for any guests who might have had too much to drink. Be prepared to make sure they don’t drive, and that they get home safely even if that means you have to take them home.

One question I have heard repeatedly is:

“I was on a conference call with a client team and my team. During a break we couldn’t help but hear the client team talk about one of our team members in a derogatory way. What should we have done?”

Put a stop to the problem as quickly as possible. The leader of your team immediately should say, “Tom, I don’t think you are aware of it, but unfortunately, we can still hear everything your group is saying.” Yes, it’s embarrassing and even difficult to do. But the alternative—letting the other group continue with their trash talking—is much worse. There will be apologies, and it is best to simply acknowledge the apologies and move on.

This is a situation that comes up repeatedly in discussions with businesses about conference call problems. It’s embarrassing for the people listening to the derogatory comments, and, as soon as they find out about it, it is really embarrassing for the people making the comments. When on a conference call, assume that the mute button is not working and that the other parties can hear everything you have to say. It may even be valuable for you to caution your team before starting the call that everything being said can be heard.

Other tips for a successful conference call include:
• Be aware of time zone differences. One time I was going to be on a conference call with people in Singapore. They called me Monday evening. I wasn’t ready for the call because I thought it was scheduled for Tuesday evening. It was Tuesday in Singapore, but it was still Monday in Vermont.
• Know who the participants will be. It is hard enough identifying people just by their voices when they introduce themselves. Having a list of participants helps you remember who is on the call.
• Try to be in same room with teammates. Have your team gather in a conference room rather than each person being on a separate phone in their own office or cubicle.
• Set your “Do Not Disturb” button so your phone doesn’t ring in the middle of the call.
• When the call starts, check that everyone can hear each other.
• Have each person introduce him/herself at each location.
• Identify yourself before speaking: “This is Jim in the Waltham office.”
• Announce five or ten minutes before the end time that the call will end soon.
• Prepare and distribute minutes of the call detailing important discussions or decisions and identifying any “to-dos” that have been assigned and when they are due.

Q. Should you send an e-mail announcement when you have divorced and are taking back your maiden name?

D. S., Kalamazoo, MI

A. Unquestionably, you should let people know you’ve changed your name. “I’m contacting you to let you know that as of now my name is Dawn Sterling. My new e-mail address is dawn.sterling@abcde.org. Please make this change in your contact file. Thank you.” There is no need to explain why.

Informing people of your name change is important for several reasons. People should know both how to refer to you and how to introduce you at work. Knowing your correct name avoids confusion and embarrassment both for you and for them.

Any legal papers or contracts associated with your job or business should have your legal name on them.

All of your identification should match. This is especially important for airline travel. Your name on your ticket must match the name on your license or passport. A vendor making a reservation for you could easily use the wrong name if you hadn’t informed him of the change.

It’s important to note that it’s not necessary to change your name after a divorce. In fact, you may not want to change it if you established your professional reputation using your married name. I know several women who have kept their married name after being divorced for just this reason. If you have a professional reputation as Mary Smith and you do want to change your name, then it is highly important to let people know. You can send an e-mail or a printed announcement, listing your name and any updated contact information.

Q. I noted your column on interview etiquette in today's (8/01) Boston
Globe. May I add another tip (actually a must) for your next column on the
subject? When you interview for a job, you are interviewing everybody, repeat
everybody at the site—the janitor, the receptionist, everybody.
Years ago a young woman had a very successful interview with me, and I was
ready to hire her. After she saw me, she also talked with a few other
people in the office and made some highly inappropriate comments. Net
result, not hired!

I recall hearing that at some big Wall St. firm, the CEO used to dress as
a cleaner and "accidentally" spill some water near the prospective
interviewee (for a top job). That person’s reaction was crucial to the
hiring decision. While this is extreme it does illustrate my point.

D. M., Waltham, MA

A. While D. M.’s comment is most appropriate for a job interview, it is equally important every day on the job. How you treat people and how you interact with them day in, day out matters. You may be being considered for a promotion. You want to be sure that if your manager queries co-workers or support staff about you, that they offer positive responses.

Q. I recently attend a legislative reception consisting of cocktails, light hors d’oeuvres and networking. What is the proper etiquette for keeping your suit jacket buttoned? Many of the men had unbuttoned their jackets while talking, but I thought that one would keep it buttoned until they sat down. What would be the correct procedure?

S. F., Richmond, VA

A. Etiquette is an ever-evolving set of guidelines that help us know what to do and what to expect others to do so our interactions can be as successful and positive as possible. One way etiquette has clearly been changing is in the softening of a variety of rigid “rules”. One such rigid rule was the notion that men should always button their jackets unless they are sitting down. To button or not to button is no longer a mandate. More important is your own comfort level because if you are comfortable, you will exude an air of confidence which is a good thing both in business social and purely social situations. You might want to button because it will create a more formal look . At an interview or when making a major presentation, the buttoned look helps create an image of polished professionalism. You might choose a more casual unbuttoned look at a social or business social event such as the one mentioned in the question. The sense of comfort and approachability that the unbuttoned look gives can make joining a group and engaging in small talk easier and more pleasant.

If you are going to button, whether you are wearing a three button or a two-button jacket, don’t button the bottom button. With a three-button jacket you can button both the top and middle buttons, or just the middle button. Some image experts will tell you buttoning only the middle of the three buttons is a more casual look. If you have a double breasted jacket keeping it buttoned when standing looks better.

In today’s world the important issues relating to wearing a suit or jacket are:

1. When you have a choice, wear one. So often I go to events and am astonished to see men wearing a sweater or just a shirt or even jeans and a t-shirt, no jacket much less a tie. If it’s even a question of to wear or not to wear, then wear a jacket and tie. You can always take it off. But if you don’t have a jacket and tie and it turns out the occasion is more formal, then you’re out of luck.
2. A good fit. Regardless of how complimentary the sales person is, take your new purchase to a tailor and have it altered to fit your body. It’s well worth the extra investment. You’ll look sharp and confident.

As employment figures continue to be headline news, it's not surprising that I often run into people, both college grads and newly-unemployed mid-lifers, who are either looking for jobs or who are in the interview process. Once you've been invited in for an interview, a key to success is how well you connect with the interviewer(s). Your people skills can be the critical difference between you getting the job or someone else getting the job. While there are whole books devoted to the interview process, here are five simple tips that will go a long way toward helping you connect with the interviewer:

Be on time. It's almost impossible to recover from the bad impression you make when you're late. Many employers say that an interview is "over before it starts" if the applicant doesn't arrive on time. At the very least, know where you're going and how long it takes to get there. If you're delayed, it’s better to call and ask if the interviewer would prefer to reschedule.

Dress appropriately. An interview isn’t the time to make a fashion statement with your clothes. It’s far better to be memorable because of who you are, not because of what you wear. Do some research—visit the company ahead of your interview to observe how the employees dress or call the HR department for the company dress code. Then, dress one notch up.

Be prepared. Practice your answers to regularly-asked questions, such as “What is your greatest strength?” and “What relevant experience have you had?” and “What are your weaknesses?” Preparation also means developing your own questions, so study up on the organization beforehand and draft a few questions of your own.

Greet with confidence. Confidence is a key trait of successful business people. Stand, smile, focus on their eyes, say your name and theirs, and give a firm (not bone-crusher or dead fish) handshake. All of these actions convey your self-assurance, not only to your interviewer, but also to everyone with whom you interact.

Thank them twice. Expressing “Thank you” to your interviewers is critical. In addition to your verbal “thank you” at the end of the interview, a follow-up thank you note is a must —either written on quality paper or sent as an e-mail and preferably sent within twenty-four hours. You’ll have to determine which delivery method will leave the best impression, and it may be wise to send an e-mail with a follow-up handwritten note. The thank you note is also the opportunity to continue the conversation with your interviewer(s): to answer any questions that arose, or to deliver any additional facts or materials that were promised.

Good luck!

Q. Within the past year, I made the transition from an academic to a corporate appointment. I recently sent an email request to procure either products, which would be shared in academia, or information/contacts on how to acquire the products. I received an email response from the initial recipient that was also forwarded to others, with the stated intention that they would be more appropriate to address my requests. I have responded with gratitude to the initial recipient. Would good business (email) etiquette dictate that I now contact these secondary recipients and restate my intent, or should I allow them to read the initial forwarded email and respond if they are willing and able to assist? I do not want to be pushy, but I would like to be as proactive as is politely acceptable. Thank you in advance for your assistance, and I look forward to your advice.KC, Philadelphia, PA

A. The short answer is, yes, go ahead and contact the secondary recipients: “Dear [Secondary Recipient], Recently, [Initial Recipient] kindly forwarded you an email I sent him, and I really appreciate his effort on my behalf. He has let me know that he believes you would be in a good position to address my requests, and I wanted to follow up directly with you. Briefly, I am interested in…”

What is so pleasing about this question is that it’s not a negative problem but rather an example of good etiquette. Everything has been done in a positive manner with the goal of helping you move forward. The initial recipient simply could have ignored your request, or written back only to you saying that he was not in a position to help. Instead, he did the considerate thing and made the extra effort of forwarding your request to people he believes are best positioned to help you. That kind of proactive effort is at the heart of both good etiquette and good business because it fosters the growth of relationships. Not only is he helping you, he is helping his contacts build a new relationship with you. Because he recommended them, he enhances himself in their eyes In addition, he has strengthened his relationship with you. Who knows how you might be able to help him in the future? At its most fundamental, etiquette is about building relationships by thinking not only of yourself but also of others, and making choices that aren’t just good for you but are good for everyone involved. By making a small effort on your behalf, the initial recipient has demonstrated how consideration is a hallmark of etiquette and how it helps us be successful in business.

Q: My college-aged daughter spends an awful lot of time texting and Facebooking (if that is such a word). I have seen some of my younger colleagues at work spending time on these activities when they are supposed to be working. I am worried about my daughter’s success in the workplace if she spends all of her time on these sites and texting messages to friends. I have a personal Facebook page but I would never consider opening it up during the work day. I see some of her friend’s pages and I am horrified. Do employers look at these pages and sites? Can you offer some guidelines on what is appropriate in the workplace (and what is not)?

A: This is an area of growing concern among employers. I have some clients that have blocked these sites altogether. Other clients monitor their employees’ access to such sites. While others allow it but trust that employees are only accessing such sites during breaks. Employees should not assume that communications using an employer’s computer or email system is confidential. Much, if not all, of this information can be tracked.

Some employers are now implementing social media policies in their employee handbooks. In these policies specific guidelines are defined for employees regarding the employer’s expectations around social media usage and access.

Although it seems like I am stating the obvious, employers are paying employees to work while at work. All of us who work will need to occasionally make a personal call about a car repair, a changed venue for dinner or to learn about results from a lab test. During work time, these calls and texts should be brief, to the point and limited. Unless it is part of an employee’s job, accessing social media sites should be limited or non-existent much like making personal telephone calls or sending text messages. Some employers permit employees to access these sites during breaks. Some do not permit access at all.

Both job seekers and employees should take care in what is posted on social media sites. I recently had a client contact me about an employee that was posting negative comments on Facebook about her job. The client wasn’t pleased about the negative PR, particularly since many of her Facebook friends were also coworkers. This client was also surprised that this employee has so much free time on her hands since the comments were posted during the work day.

I had another client contact me recently about a newly hired employee who was had an absenteeism and tardiness issue. Upon review of her Facebook profile, the client discovered it was likely not a problem with the trains (the reason that employee provided) but instead probably due to the many late evenings out with her friends.

More and more of my clients are reviewing Facebook and other sites when they become serious about a candidate. Candidates should use the privacy controls available and/or remove inappropriate or controversial materials from their personal pages.

I would suggest to all employees to reserve their social media access to non-work hours. There are some roles which require access to social media sites (interactive marketing roles) but these roles are the exception, not the norm.

Q. My employer rents an office to another professional and made it very clear to me that I was not employed by this person and was not to answer his phones, etc. Unfortunately, he often says things to me like, "I'm going out now,” "I'm having clients this afternoon," or "I'm going downstairs for a minute." He periodically asks me to help him with problems with his computer, or to answer his phone while he’s out because he’s expecting an important call. I have told my employer about this but nothing has changed. Would it be appropriate for me to talk to this person and tell him that since I don't work for him I don’t need to know the details of his schedule? And to tell him that it is annoying? This is a very small office, space wise, and it is annoying to me to hear about every move he is making all day. He is not a bad person, but I’m considering leaving this job because of this.
Boston, MA

A. It’s clear that the tenant didn’t get the message or he’s trying to take advantage of you. As it currently stands you are between a rock and a hard place. Either you disobey your boss’s instruction or you confront the other professional, which you’re not sure is the right thing to do. In the absence of any direct communication and resolution, the other professional will continue to inform you of his whereabouts and ask for your assistance. A reasonable first step would be talk with him. Don’t be accusatory or caustic. “Jim, I know we’re all in this space together, and it’s easy to ask me favors or let me know what you’re doing. The problem is it’s making it hard for me to get my work done, and Tom (your boss) expects me to focus on my work for him. I hope you understand.”

However, given your frustration level and the need to have everyone on the same page, it might be quicker and more effective if you, your boss, and the other professional have a face-to-face meeting to address your situation. Give your boss the head’s up, then offer to set up the meeting yourself. “Tom, you’ve made it clear to me that I’m not working for Jim. Unfortunately, he informs me of his comings and goings as if I’m his receptionist and asks me to cover his phone or help with his computer. Is it okay with you if I set up a meeting between the three of us so we can make my status clear?” Then in the meeting, take care to remain calm and focused on facts. Explain the situation but avoid comments like “It’s so annoying when you…” that could be perceived as a personal attack. Also, don’t let your frustration with the situation tempt you to make rash statements. Unless you are willing to follow through, don’t threaten to quit. Good luck.

Q. My boss's boss didn't invite me to an event, and then he was questioning why I hadn't attended. How to respond? Do I point out that I wasn't invited and apologize for any confusion? I'm at a loss and not gaining ground.

Anonymous

A. A dilemma indeed: either the boss thinks you blew him off, or you get to tell him that he blew it. When we consider how to solve a dilemma at the Emily Post Institute, we apply three basic principles to come up with a solution: consideration, respect, and honesty. The first two are relatively easy to understand. What’s considerate and respectful for all involved? The third, honesty, also seems simple, yet it is by far the most difficult to apply. It’s easy to rationalize not telling the truth, and it’s even easier to say nothing than to be honest and take responsibility for yourself. Easiest of all is the white lie.

White lies seem great at the moment you tell them. They get you out of a difficult situation, and they’re usually cloaked in the good intention of sparing someone else’s feelings. As with any lie, when you get caught—and you will get caught at the worst possible moment—resolving the situation then is much more difficult. For instance, you could say to your boss’s boss: “Mr. Sanders I’m so sorry I didn’t get to your party. I was under the weather and didn’t want to expose your guests. I really should have called. Please, I hope you understand.” Sounds good – you have an altruistic excuse for not being at the party, and you haven’t embarrassed the uber boss for his invitation oversight. Should work, until Mr. Sanders finds out you were really at a concert/bar/baseball game.

So back to the truth. The stark truth—“You didn’t invite me”—lays the blame where it belongs, but also embarrasses. Instead, be benevolently honest. Focus on the issue and not on inadvertently placing blame or accusing your boss’s boss of having screwed up. “Mr. Sanders, could I talk to you? You asked why I hadn’t attended your party. I would have loved to, but, honestly, I didn’t know I had been invited. I’ve been concerned that you might think I simply blew it off. I really didn’t, and I hope you understand.” Part of honesty is sincerity, believability. If he hears the sincerity in your voice and sees it in your facial expression and body language, he’ll most likely believe you.

Your best path is one of benevolent honesty, wrapped in sincerity. Good luck.

Q. I work in a department with over 50 desk cubicles, no walls. When approaching someone to speak to them is it proper to stand behind/beside them until they notice me or is it proper to gently knock to alert them that I am standing there?

D. F., Houston, TX

A. The gentle knock is the appropriate answer. Simply standing there waiting for her to acknowledge you doesn’t work. She may not respond, especially if she is on the phone or deeply involved in work, and that would be awkward for you. On the other end of the spectrum, speaking to her without getting her attention first could startle her, interrupt a phone conversation or cause her to lose her concentration.

Too often I’ve found myself in your situation: I’ve approached a person who is working at her desk and started to ask a question. With the person’s back to me, I hadn’t noticed that she was actually on the phone. My speaking rudely interrupted her phone conversation. Even if she isn’t on the phone, a soft knock would be a gentler way to get her attention without being overtly rude.

Impersonal and public though they appear, a person’s cube is as much a personal workspace as an office with four walls and a door. It’s important to respect the invisible boundaries. Gently knocking announces your presence without causing a rude interruption. Once you have her attention, you can either ask or signal if this is a good time to talk. If the person indicates or says that it’s not a good time—she’s on the phone or needs to complete a task—don’t walk off in a huff. Instead show consideration and return at a better time. An alternative is to take a piece of note paper with you and write on it, “Please call me when you’re finished.” You can quietly slip the note on her desk.

The best solution may be to avoid the situation altogether. Don’t assume you will be able to talk with her. Try calling her extension first. If she answers, you can talk with her directly or set up a time to meet later. If her extension is busy, you can leave a message for her to get back to you when she’s available. An e-mail and an instant message are also other less intrusive ways to ask to meet.

Q. A friend of mine was placed at our firm through an employment agency. She decided she wanted to look for a new job, and she contacted the same agency to see if they can help her find a new job once more. This employment agency called our office manager and told her that my friend wanted to look for a new job. This seems to be unprofessional, completely inappropriate and somehow illegal. Is there anything that can be done?

A. Job search activity is most often considered confidential, especially if conducted in partnership with any kind of recruiting or placement agency. I am sure your friend is disappointed and angry that her career plans were shared with her manager by another party. I would guess that the manager is also not happy with your friend, which may influence her ability to stay at her current job while looking for a new opportunity.

You didn't say how long your friend has been on the job, and this may have influenced the agency employee to have a conversation with the office manager. Remember, agency fees are paid by the employer, not the employee, so the agency person may have acted out of loyalty to the client, the person who paid the fee.

Most agencies have a 90 day guarantee clause, meaning the company will get the placement fee they paid back, or a new placement completed at no charge, if the person doesn't stay 90 days. If your friend was going to leave within that time frame, the agency may have been concerned about filling the job again, for no fee.

Agencies also have "hands off" policies, which say that they agree not to solicit employees to leave a company where they have placed people. Again, the agency person may have been concerned that the office manager would think the agency approached your friend to try and get her to leave the company, fill a job they had, and earn another fee.

I am not trying to justify the actions taken by the agency. I am trying to make sure you, your friend, and other job seekers recognize how these things may happen, and how to develop ways to prevent issues negatively affecting your candidacy or your career.

Confidentiality is vital in the business world, and it is often taken for granted or in some instances not taken seriously. If you are currently in a job, you most likely do not want your current employer to know you are actively seeking a new opportunity. In any meeting with a placement professional, or a networking meeting, you can let people know you are conducting a "confidential search". This means that information about you in general can be disclosed, but not so much that you could be easily identified, and have your current role jeopardized.

It would be considered reasonable for you to ask any agency professional if they can work within the bounds of confidentiality. Listen carefully to the answer. If they feel they cannot keep information about you confidential and work with you as a candidate, you can make the decision to end any potential placement activity, or agree to avoid certain organizations or companies, or to take the risk. As much as you might like to expect confidentiality, don't - unless you bring up the topic.

At this point your friend can let the placement professional know how disappointed she is with the lack of confidentiality in her interaction, and her understanding that her employer would not be contacted. She may or may not get a reason for the inappropriate behavior. The legalities would be open to debate.

I would encourage your friend to have a conversation with the office manager to see how much the working relationship has been damaged, and how it can be repaired. Perhaps there are ways to improve the job, her role, and her current opportunities. If not, I'd recommend a new agency and starting off with a question about confidentiality.

Q. I recently accepted a job offer. My start date is next week. I was in the process of interviewing with another company, who just invited me to a second interview. I am more interested in the other company and would be thrilled if they offered me the position. How can I gracefully back out of the offer I already accepted?

Thank you,

VC, Somerville, MA

A. Gracefully? Probably not. You’re between a rock and a hard place, and there’s no easy way out.

Put the shoe on the other foot: What if the company offered you the job and you accepted. Then they called you a couple of days later to inform you that they had a better candidate who had just walked in the door? “Thanks but no thanks,” they say to you. They’re going to hire that person, and you no longer have a job with them. That would be a difficult situation. Once a commitment has been made, it’s up to both parties to honor that commitment.

You’ve made a commitment to your new employer. They’ve acted in good faith and offered you a job that you were willing to accept. Reneging on the offer puts them into a very difficult position. Once you accepted, they began contacting the candidates they rejected when you accepted the job offer. Now they’re in the awkward position of having to re-contact those people and re-open the job search. It will be an embarrassment and a headache for them, not to mention costly.

Can you back out? Yes, you can, but there are consequences. You’ll be burning a bridge behind you. Your reputation with the company that you’re leaving in the lurch will suffer. You most certainly will not be able to go back there to seek employment again. Five or ten years in the future you may be applying for a job somewhere else and discover that the person who hired you is now the hiring person at that company. It’s not likely you’ll be successful with that person this time. Finally, you are risking a guaranteed job for one that you might or might not get. You may end up with no job at all.

There is a way to avoid this situation. One of the first steps a successful job seeker should take is to contact the other places considering him for employment to let them know he has accepted a position and is withdrawing his application. No bridges get burned and no tempting opportunities suddenly develop to put him in the position you now find yourself.

Q. I am a registered nurse in a long term care facility. On three recent occasions the director of nursing, who is not my immediate superior, and I have had conversations regarding client care issues on which we have differences of opinions. She has then spoken to at least three of my colleagues about my “lack of judgment” and “rude attitude”. I confronted her and told her that I felt, as professionals, our conversations should be kept confidential. She admitted to discussing my behavior with my peers and seems to think that this is acceptable. What can I do to keep this behavior from recurring? I feel that I am working in an untrustworthy environment. The executive director of the facility is non-supportive. I have adjusted my work schedule so that I am having less contact with the director of nursing.
Anonymous

A. Perspective is often at the root of relationship issues. It certainly seems to be here. From your perspective the three conversations with her focused on your “differences of opinion” regarding clinical care. Yet, when she talked to the three colleagues about your “rude attitude,” her perspective on those conversations differed from yours. You focused on the content of those conversations while she focused on how you interacted with her.

You perceived her talking about your behavior as unjustifiable, that she broke a confidence, and in the process lost your trust. While I don’t know why she talked to your peers, I suspect she would excuse her action by saying she was trying to get their take on the situation. Talking about issues concerning one employee with others is a mistake many managers make. Even when couched in the best of intentions, it still causes a loss of trust in the manager. Trust is what makes relationships work, and when it has been lost the relationship is in serious trouble, as it is here.

Finally, after learning that she talked to your peers, you confronted her. Perspective again rears its head. You see yourself making a point with her while she focuses on your confrontational attitude. Unfortunately, in any confrontational situation there’s little chance for constructive resolution.

There’s no easy solution here, especially because you believe the executive director “is non-supportive” which means she backs the director of nursing regarding the patient care issues. Ultimately, the director of nursing and the executive director are responsible for policies and procedures which they expect employees to follow. You can try to clear the air by asking to talk with the director calmly and non-confrontationally. “Jane, I really care about my work here, and I want to have a good relationship with you. I’m concerned about what’s happened between us recently. Could we get together and talk about it?” Focus first on how you might have been perceived in those conversations. Be willing to acknowledge that you didn’t mean to be rude or confrontational. Afterward ask to meet to discuss your ideas on patient care. If they don’t change the policies, you’ll have to decide if you can follow them, or if you need to look elsewhere for employment.

Q. Six of us work for one manager, and another manager has five people working for him. These two managers compete for the VP’s attention and some of it rubs off on our two teams. Most of us try to ignore the drama, but the one thing that drives me nuts, and a few of the others, is everyone copies everyone else on emails discussing what needs to be done, or what has been done, or what they think. I get enough real email as it is. I really don’t need to read what else is going on, or have everything I do sent around to two managers just so people can play “CYA” just in case, or one upping. Aren’t there rules for this?

A. Most organizations and companies do have formal and informal rules for the use of email. There are also people who choose to follow the cultural norms and others who just do what they want until they are reminded about the purpose of the tool and how to use it.

Email is a standard in all companies and many peoples’ personal lives as well. Spam filters are wonderful, and they do continue to get more accurate at eliminating unsolicited offerings at work and home which is a time saver. Now if these same filters can screen out emails with pictures of kittens and requests to send something back so people know how loved they are, we might be able to go through our email in half the time.

Typically it is understood that your business email is for professional use only, however many people use their business email address for personal use as well. The latter is viewed by many organizations as a productivity buster. However, you have identified one of the greatest practices to negatively impact to productivity – sending emails people do not need to get, do not need to read, do not need to do anything about, and do not need to respond to.

Email can be used to communicate a need for action by the reader or actions by multiple readers, a specific piece of information, or a question needing a response. What email doesn’t need to be used for is on ladder climbing, career protection, or an open invitation for comments from all on every area of business.

Managers can set the tone for how email is used. Some organizations have cultures where emailing is considered impolite when people are in the same building. Their process says first see the person to communicate, then call, then message, and lastly email. Email is not the first mode of communication used, and people new to the culture who think they will increase their productivity by taking the email short cut are quickly educated about the accepted protocols.

If the managers are leading the way with the emails to all, it may be more difficult to modify behaviors. You can start by reviewing what your manager wants to be copied on by you. Managers have varying levels of “need to know”. Some managers do want to see emails, but more effective managers are looking for compiled reports which screen out extraneous information, and do not involve email trails. You might offer a suggestion about what you believe will be most effective for your own communication with your manager. If that goes well, you and your manager can then have a similar conversation with your colleagues about ways to increase productivity by limiting indiscriminate copying of emails. Perhaps you can convince your manager and colleagues increased productivity is the way to capture the VP’s attention, not more emails.

If your manager is convinced this massive redundancy is effective, consider using email less, and communicating by meeting, phone appointments, and voicemail more often.

Q: I was recently hired by an employer in the Boston area. I am grateful to have landed my first job in this economy. However, this is not my dream job. In just six months, they have increased my responsibilities and now I am covering for a colleague who is on a leave of absence. My work hours almost always go beyond the 40 hours per week that I signed up for when I started. Is this legal?

A: Congratulations on landing a role in a difficult economy. Although unemployment is the most well-known byproduct of challenging financial times, you are also facing a reality of this economy. Employers across industries are implementing cost-saving strategies to be more efficient. In some cases, companies are trying "to do more with less." Sometimes this translates into employees, like you, working additional hours or covering for a colleague during an absence.

Most US workers are "at-will." At-will employees are workers who are not covered by a collective bargaining agreement. In general, an employer of an at-will employee can change an employee's duties, hours, titles or work location. If you are covered by a collective bargaining agreement, you may have some additional rights.

There are some possible positive outcomes of your situation. It sounds like you are a reliable employee (or else you would not have been given additional responsibilities). If your company has a history of internally promoting employees, this could work to your advantage. Employees who ?pitch in? and handle additional duties are often perceived as very valuable employees. If you explore other opportunities within your company, this willingness and strong work ethic could be a factor. Additionally, you are broadening your skills and experience. If you choose to look for another role, either inside or outside of your company, this additional experience could be more marketable.

Working beyond 40 hours per week is not that uncommon. Many of us work beyond 40 hours in a single work week when needed. My guess is that when you were hired, your company mentioned that this role was full-time (or 40 hour work week). However, their business needs and staffing levels may have changed. In most cases, requesting that you work beyond 40 hours is not illegal. There are some exceptions, especially if you are under 18 years of age. If you are a nonexempt employee, you may be entitled to pay for the hours that you work beyond 40 hours in a single work week.

Finally, many employees don't land a "dream job" when first entering the workforce. Instead, it is a stepping stone to other roles. Most employers would accept a one to two year commitment from an entry-level employee. A few pieces of advice that I will offer:

- perform your work to the best of your abilities

- begin to develop a network on peers and supervisors; these contacts are important as you move forward in your career

- minimize your complaints (few work environments are perfect)

- offer to help or assist with projects and tasks that could increase your skills, experience or visibility

- be dependable and show up with enthusiasm

- seek out mentors that can help provide feedback and further your career

- be respectful of your work time and avoid the traps that entry-level employees can fall into (just to name a few: excessive socializing -- both in-person and on social networking sites, negative cliques that seem to gossip or complain about others or the company)

Finally, understand that this role, while it may not be ideal, may be a good entry-level jobs that opens up other opportunities to you further in your career.

Q. Is there anything such as earphone etiquette? A coworker recently handed me her earphones to listen to something she had downloaded. I was taken completely by surprise and used them but was very uncomfortable. I have no reason to question her hygiene, but it still seems to be something that just isn't done. How should I have handled it?

J. L., Stoughton, MA

A. Yes, J. L. There really is such a thing as earphone etiquette. Earphones, which don’t go into the ear or have issues like wax build up, are reasonably easy to share unless the person has a cold. Earbuds, on the other hand, are more of an issue. For me, wax build up and hygiene start to become an issue. I asked my twenty-something daughter, Lizzie, how her generation handles listening with another person’s earbuds. “I just pop them in,” she explained. “If someone is willing to offer and I don’t care as well, then it’s a mutual ‘no big deal.’ I’ve never worried about the hygiene.” The short story is: people do ask friends to take a listen and friends accept.

I have more of a hesitation than Lizzie about putting someone else’s earbuds into my ear. So I tried simply holding one of my buds next to my ear without inserting it to see if I could hear the music. I could. Problem solved without having to turn down the offer and create an awkward moment with a friend.

One final point: If the person asking you to share has a cold, you can politely turn down the offer to use their earbuds. “Not now, thanks. I’ll check it out later.” If you have a cold, hold off on making the offer. Don’t put the other person in a difficult situation.

The question about earbuds also raises the issue of the use of earphones or earbuds at the office. Before putting them in and tuning the office out, make sure your company doesn’t have a policy prohibiting their use at work. Certainly, they're much better than when people had speakers on the desk and everyone had to listen to your music. But unless your company permits their use, keep them stowed. If you can use them, keep the volume turned down low enough so you can hear your phone ring or you can respond if a coworker starts talking to you. Finally, when you are talking to someone, take both earbuds out of your ears. It would be rude to continue listening to your music with one bud in while the other person is trying to have a conversation with you. By leaving the bud in, you’re sending a message that whatever the other person has to say, it’s not as important as your music. That’s not a good message to send.

Q. How long should you reasonably be expected to commit to a new job? I'm in an entry-level position currently and have been looking for a new job on-and-off for the last 18 months with no success. I'll likely move out of state next summer when my boyfriend finishes graduate school. Advancement within my company isn't an option. I’ve promised myself I'll stop my search once I know I would be at a new job for less than a year, but I still feel uneasy submitting applications. I'm very unhappy with my current job, but don't want to make enemies at a new job by leaving shortly after starting. Any advice would be most appreciated.

A. P., Huntington, NY

A. While the time frame can change, a one-year minimum commitment to a job is a good rule of thumb. That time frame can be affected by the type of job it is and how long employees typically stay in the particular position before advancing or changing jobs.
Before springing your time limitation in an interview, try to ascertain the expectations of the particular position. Ask how long the person before you held it and if that was the typical tenure. If the interviewer asks how long you’re able to commit, be upfront about your time constraints. You’re correct in thinking that you’re less likely to get a good recommendation or future career network support if you leave a job soon after taking it.

A year is a long time and plans can change. There are a variety of factors that may influence your situation a year from now. A new job may turn out to be your dream job that you don't want to leave. Your boyfriend’s plans may change. While I hope it’s rock solid, your relationship itself may change. Your instincts are correct: if you arrive at a point where you will be in your present job for less than a year, then staying there until your future is well defined may be your best option. You’ll be able to give your employer reasonable notice and leave on a positive note and, perhaps, with a letter of recommendation.

You’ve looked for a new job unsuccessfully on and off for 18 months. If you decide to continue your search, shake things up. In your off hours, make the job search your number one priority, not an on- or off- again effort. Examine your current network and how you can modify or add to it to help you be successful. A one-year position could be a perfect opportunity to try something different outside your career experience or education. There may be interesting opportunities at a local hospital, retail store, dot-com, financial business, or non-profit.

Q. When an employee enters the workplace, who speaks first? How are you supposed to act when the employee does not say, “Good morning”?

V. C., Chelmsford, MA

A. When I walk by people’s desks or offices at The Emily Post Institute, as the person arriving I say, “Hello” or “Good morning” first. Typically, when entering a workplace, the employee entering will greet his or her fellow workers first. It sets the tone for a pleasant office atmosphere when employees and employers make the effort to give each other a friendly greeting. Once I’ve greeted people the first time, I don’t need to say hello or greet them each time I walk past them during the day.

Unfortunately, there are instances when a co-worker doesn’t respond to a greeting. If it happens occasionally, give him the benefit of the doubt. The worker may be very engrossed in work and not have heard you. If it is a regular occurrence, you can either stop greeting him or choose to ask him about it. “John, I was just wondering what’s up. I like to greet people in the morning, but when I say, “Good morning,” you don’t respond. Have I done something wrong?” Keep it friendly and not accusatory.

Q. We have a communal kitchen that all staff, including managers utilize. The employees are required to take turns cleaning the kitchen. However, the managers are EXEMPT from this task. Should managers be required to ‘take a turn’ if they use the area as well?

P. M., Kissimmee, FL

A. Unfortunately, I don’t make the rules in your workplace. If I did, managers wouldn’t be exempt from taking their turns cleaning the kitchen. If they use it, they should take part in taking care of it. However, each company has the privilege of making its own rules. And as long as that is the rule at your company, that’s the way it is. The only way the situation will change is if the employees can convince management to change it. This is not something to take on alone. Before sticking your neck out, you and any other employees who are frustrated with the current situation need to ask yourselves if this is an issue you really want to spend political capital on. You have to weigh the potential benefit of accomplishing the change against the possible problems that bringing it up may engender. If you decide to move forward, don’t simply complain; work to change the policy. As a group ask to meet with your manager about the kitchen. Seek her input as to the rationale behind the policy and be prepared to explain why you think changing it would be beneficial to the company.

Q. I work at a good company and we have a pretty big work group. Most of us get along well, and hang out at work and after work too. We are all about the same age, but there are some “senior” staff members too – not in level though they act it. They are just older and act like they manage us but they don’t. They are ok, but they don’t make it easy to work with them. Our manager just says to get along. It’s not that easy. Can we just tell them to stop trying to tell us how to do our work?

A. The good news is you work for a good company, and the people get along well, and are basically ok. Having this kind of baseline gives you a good chance to be successful in improving your work environment. It’s good to see that you would like to have a positive impact, and perhaps by sharing some information we can get your manager to take a more pro-active tack toward trying to help you all “just get along”.

As people work for more years (there are more workers over 75 than ever before), the range of generations in the work force will continue to expand. There has been a great deal written about the generational groupings of the ‘Traditionalists’ (born before 1945), 'Baby Boomers' (born 1946-1964), 'Generation X' (born 1965-1977), 'Generation Y 'or 'Millennial' (born 1978 - 1989), and the recently dubbed “youngest generation - Generation 9/11” (born after 1990). Each generation has different values, work ethics, internal drivers, levels of dedication to work, or a boss, and expectations of what a company or colleagues can give them.

Understanding each generation starts your challenge, and understanding how your own generation may be perceived by your colleagues in other generational groups might help your interaction, communication, and the type of response you give to feeling “over-managed”.

You are not alone in the realization that generational differences make it hard to get things done at work. 65% of employees believe this, and most employees feel the generation they are part of is viewed negatively. And though your manager would like everyone to just get along; what we see is that people need help figuring out how to do that. If you are a Boomer, you value work life balance, but may be disgruntled by how effectively Gen X’ers seem to make that work-life balance work.

Many organizations have started to work with managers to help employees work through these issues, particularly to try and eliminate the negative impact on productivity. I asked Kathy Greer, of Kathleen Greer Associates (KGA) an Employee Assistance Program services provider about the training her firm provides for managers challenged by multi-generational workforces. Kathy said, “the benefits provided by multigenerational workforces clearly outnumber the difficulties caused, and our work is designed to support company leaders to be effective “Gen-Mix Managers”.

All employees need to understand that “the work” is what unites them and that collaboration to get the work done is why they are part of the organization. Kathy helps leaders understand and communicate that talented people of all generations will only be willing to contribute to organizations or teams where their contributions are valued and that any recognition they receive has to be of value to them.

So your “more senior” colleagues may feel they can help you learn to be better corporate citizens, and since they value feedback, they might assume you do too. You might, if you are a Gen Y, or a millennial, value independence over feedback, so feeling over-managed by a colleague, might be enough to eliminate the development of strong positive relationships.

Greer suggests a few best practices including focusing on the meaning, purpose and mission of the organization and team; maximize everyone’s uniqueness – find what each person offers, what each wants to improve upon, and what each person might want to learn. Then create learn programs to support positive interaction across generational lines.

Rainmaker Thinking (rainmakerthinking.com) by Bruce Tulgan also offer great insights into the generations, and ways to maximize retention, and collaboration between generations.

So try to get your manager to help discuss generational differences, and the opportunities this can provide. If the manager chooses to stay in the “just get along” mode, you can begin informal conversation across the “great divides” with the most positive approaches possible.

Q: Is it proper etiquette in an English speaking call center for two of the bilingual (Spanish speaking) to hold a non-business conversation in Spanish?D. K., Lithonia, GA.

A. Yes, D. K., it can be frustrating when two people are talking in a language you don’t understand. Basically, anytime people are in close proximity to each other and they are communicating in a way that other people can’t understand, they should speak in a language everyone can understand or move to a more private place to continue their conversation. The problem is one of perspective. For the people conversing in another language, it's a non-business conversation. A person whose primary language is German told me that after hours of speaking English, it was a pleasure for him to be able to talk with a friend for a few minutes in German. Unfortunately, from the perspective of the person who doesn’t understand what is being said, the perception is that the content of the conversation is gossip or something they don’t want to others to hear. Whenever a person is excluded, whatever the reason, it can cause frustration, hurt feelings or misunderstanding. Unfortunately, speaking in a that others don’t understand is a form of exclusion, just as whispering is.

It’s unfortunate that this question devolves into the black and white world of “what’s the rule?” when, in fact, it is fraught with shades of gray. It’s situational. The real etiquette in the question is one of consideration and respect with a good dose of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. If the people speaking another language are having a quiet conversation apart from others and you happen to walk by them, I don’t think they are doing anything intrinsically wrong. However, if you are having lunch in the break room and the two people joined you, the considerate thing for them to do would be to switch to a language you also understood.

The bottom line: If you want that break from speaking in a language that is not your primary language, try to do it in a way that won’t be misperceived by others and don’t use the privacy it affords to gossip or hide your conversation from others. On the other hand, if two people are speaking in a language you don’t understand, try to give them the benefit of the doubt and don’t assume they are doing anything other than enjoying a few minutes of respite from the efforts of the work world. The real remedy to the issue is a healthy dose of thoughtfulness on everyone’s part.

Q. I work for my family business. My mother is one of my bosses. I always refer to her by her name when talking to customers: “Let me transfer you to Terry,” etc.
I had a customer in my office, and I needed mom's help with a problem. While she was in my office, I called her “Mom.” After she left, the customer told me that it was very inappropriate to refer to her as “Mom” in the presence of a client. All I said was, “but she IS my mom.” So here is my question: Is he right, and should I refer to her as Terry when in the presence of a customer? I felt it was disrespectful to her to call her by her first name when speaking to her. I also felt it was very rude and condescending of the client to make the comment he made.

Anonymous

A. Family businesses present unique problems especially when parents and children work together. We face the same dilemma at The Emily Post Institute: my wife, my sister, my daughters and my sister’s son all work for us. While talking in a business context, the children address and refer to their parents by the parents’ first names. Doing so, especially when non-family members—either co-workers or clients—are present helps to prevent any sense of special status being conferred on the children. We are particularly sensitive to the issue that all employees— family and non-family— are treated equally. One way for a family business to keep the playing field level between the family and non-family members is to have everyone call each other by their first names whenever non-family people are present. Confusion on your customer’s part may have been caused by your referring to your mother as “Terry” when referring to her and then calling her “Mom” in her presence. Consistency both when referring to her and when talking directly to her in the presence of others will prevent any confusion.

As for your customer calling you out for having called your mom, “Mom,” he made a mistake. First of all, it’s not his place to set the standards by which your business operates. If you and your mom have determined that calling her “Mom” in a business setting is acceptable, then it’s not his prerogative to chastise you for that decision. Second, the fact that he did comment to you indicates a familiarity with you and your mother that transcends a business relationship. He equally has a responsibility not to cross that business/personal line.

Q. I go to the gym with a coworker, and we rotate days on who drives. I tend to change my clothes more quickly, and since she takes longer, it makes me late getting back to work. How do I go about starting to drive separately without getting her upset?

S. K., Thomasville, NC

A. You’re correct: The key here is to solve the problem while not causing a rift. That means that “how” you talk to her is critical to a successful outcome. Your demeanor and tone of voice are as important as what you say. For example, what might upset your friend is if your tone of voice tells her that you’re irritated with her or that she’s doing something wrong. Focus on the problem which is your need to get back to work quickly. “Jenny, I’ve got a problem which is affecting our driving together. Unfortunately, I’ve got to get back to the office right after working out, so I’m going to drive over in my own car. I’ll meet you there.” Don’t ask her if this is okay with her. Simply, in a positive, friendly voice, let her know this is what you are going to do. The next day you can let her know that it really worked better for you to have your own car at the gym.

Q. I work for a small yet fantastic environmental non-profit. I’m holding a Meet and Greet with a few of our major donors, new members, business leaders and board members at the home of a gracious board member. Since most of these people know each other, should I make name tags? My instinct is yes. I just need a nudge in the right direction.

W. G., Bend, OR

A. Your instincts are serving you well—yes, nametags make sense especially because the people attending your event don’t all know each other well. Nametags make the whole process of meeting, greeting and remembering names so much easier, especially the remembering names part. One of the most frequently asked questions The Emily Post Institute receives is what to do when you have to make an introduction and you can’t remember a person’s name. With name tags the angst of that problem is removed, and people can more easily take advantage of mingling which is the whole point of your meet and greet.

By the way, if you’re in a situation where you need to introduce a person and you don’t remember their name (and they’re not wearing a name tag), the best solution is to admit your predicament, ask for the person’s name, and then make the introduction. “I’m sorry, could you please tell me your name?”

Q. Is it acceptable to ignore RSVP instructions on political fundraiser invitations? These invitations are not personalized but printed, sent to a mailing list and a donation is suggested or required.

B. H., Louisville, KY

A. Normally, I would counsel you to answer an invitation which included an RSVP. The RSVP’s purpose is to let the host of the party know how many people will be attending. Therefore, the point of answering is to indicate whether you will attend or not. However, when a campaign solicitation is disguised as an “invitation” and is clearly sent to a mass mailing list, then it’s acceptable to ignore it. The key here is to determine whether it’s a bona fide invitation or a solicitation piece I have received invitations to fundraising events that were being held at a person’s home. If I know the host personally, then I do the courteous thing and reply.

RSVP is an abbreviation for “répondez, s'il vous plaît” which translates to “Please respond.” The RSVP can be followed by a phone number or other information indicating how to make your response. Whether for a social occasion or a business one such as a retirement or holiday party, one of the most frustrating aspects to the host of a party or event is the failure of guests to RSVP. Recipients often justify their failure to respond by thinking, “I don’t know if we can go or not, so I’ll wait until I can be sure before answering.” Of course, what happens next is that the invitation and the need to respond are forgotten. Meanwhile, the host or organizer is stuck not knowing if the invitee is attending or even if he received the invitation. The best solution is to follow the 24-hour rule. Answer any invitation within 24-hours, even if you don’t know if you can attend. “Hi, this is Sam Jones. I wanted to let you know I received your kind invitation. I can’t let you know today, but I’ll call by next Wednesday with a firm answer. Thanks so much for thinking of me.” Then be sure to set yourself a reminder to follow up.

Unfortunately, for the host or planner of a party or event, the problems caused by non-responders aren’t easy to fix. It may be necessary for them to call the negligent invitee and ask directly “MaryBeth, I’m calling because I’m concerned you night not have received the invitation to my event next Saturday night. I’m so hoping you’ll be able to attend.”

Q. I've been a temp for a large non-profit organization for nearly 2 years. I have been promised a permanent position for the past 18 months, however the organization always comes up with a last minute excuse to why they can't hire me. I know times are tough with the economy, but this company lifted their hiring freeze about 6 months ago, and will be giving bonuses next month. I have recently been told that a position has been approved, but it is "with HR" while they create a title and grade. I've now been told that the potential hiring date may not be for another 3 months. I realize that I'm only a temp, but I've been here longer than some permanent employees.

A. Temporary positions can offer some great opportunities for people trying out different roles, or different industries. These roles are also very beneficial for employers. When the economy is rapidly changing, to cover peaks and valleys of work, or to cover employee leaves or absences, companies call on temporary workers. Some people take temp contracts on their own, while others work for temporary or contract agencies.

The good news is it seems clear that the non-profit organization needs the skills you have for the work that you do, and they value your performance. If these two points were not accurate, the role would have been eliminated and/or you would have not been given positive signals about an imminent offer.

What is hard to determine, is how the economic situation has impacted the organization and how it continues to do so which is when most organizations are slow to add staff.

Your organization is exhibiting signs of recovery. The end of a hiring freeze typically indicates a greater need for staff and an improved cash flow. The plans to offer bonuses also show a commitment to staff and an improved cash flow. Can you see a theme? The cash flow plays a significant issue as an organization makes a decision whether or not to add to "permanent" head count.

Many temps find it frustrating to try and asses their status. If you believe your manager, human resources and the organization are acting in good faith regarding changing your role to a permanent position, you can continue to stay close to the process. Meet with your manager to make sure there are no performance issues. Make sure your frustration doesn't show. The manager may be just as frustrated and your goal is to be part of the solution, not the problem.

You can also continue conversations with human resources so that you understand what they need to do as they create the job description, title, pay grade and benefits package for the role, and which circumstances might cause any additional delays. The change probably comes with the addition of health care and other benefits which is an added cost to the employer, which can also slow the decision to add to head count.

If you do not believe your employer is acting in good faith in their discussions about moving you into a permanent position you may decide to leave the temping to others and accept only full time offers that provide all you are looking for.

Employees continue to eat food from the fridge that does not belong to them even though the food items are clearly labeled with a co-worker's name!

What do you do about food theft in the office? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Anonymous

It is galling that anyone in your workplace would think it’s okay to take what isn’t theirs. In most dictionaries, that’s the definition of “to steal.” Not only is their behavior unacceptable, letting them get away with it is unacceptable as well.

If you know who the perpetrator is, the first step is to talk to him. In the conversation he must acknowledge he has acted wrongly, and he must apologize. Anything less and you should be prepared to go to your manager to report the theft. Challenge him by asking: “John, I want to talk to you about something that is very frustrating to me. My lunch is missing from the refrigerator, and it seems you have taken it. Why would you do that?” If John accepts responsibility and stops taking food in the future, then let the matter rest there as a lesson learned. If he doesn’t take responsibility and resolve the situation to your satisfaction, then be prepared to take the next step of talking to your manager about the problem.

If you don’t know who is taking the food, report the problem to your manager and be prepared to propose a course of action. As a starting point, suggest that the department or team discuss the problem at its next meeting. Hopefully, by airing the issue, the perpetrator will get the message and stop before he or she gets caught and it becomes a matter for his or her employment record. As frustrating as it may be, it might be necessary to take proactive steps to protect your food from the food thief. Consider purchasing a small insulated lunch container that can keep your food fresh without putting it in the refrigerator. Keeping the container at your desk instead of the communal fridge will foil the perpetrator. As annoying as it is to have to make such a purchase, it does guarantee that your lunch will be waiting for you at noon time.

The reality is that stealing in any form is unethical and should not be tolerated: even stealing another person’s lunch. After all, if the perpetrator is willing to steal from you and thinks he should get away with it, what else is he willing to claim as his and how deceptive is he willing to be about the work he does? This issue may well be bigger than just a sandwich.

Q. In the past 12 months, a key position in my company has gone through 2 employees, and we're about to lose the third. These people have chosen to leave--even in this job market--because of the unreasonable expectations for the position and the abusive treatment from the supervisor. I'm in another department and I need to work closely with the person in this role. This has all had a negative impact on my ability to do my job.

My boss understands this, and is not holding me responsible. I've talked to HR, and though he agrees it is a bad situation, the supervisor is considered "untouchable". My question is do I have to be part of the problem? I've participated in the interviewing process for the last two people and with the next one I might need to say “can you deal with a sociopathic boss?" How can I look a stranger in the eye and interview him or her for a job I'd tell a friend or family member to run away from as fast as they could? I don't want to make an "issue" out of not helping in the new hire, but I don't want to be complicit any more in perpetuating a bad situation.

A. In this economy, and with the challenges companies face, fewer people are deemed “untouchable”, or they are viewed that way for a much shorter time frame. The cost of turnover in key positions can be been calculated in terms of real dollars, and lost productivity.

Effective human resources people and managers whose areas are negatively impacted are able to communicate this cost so the situation can be rectified. Offering coaching to difficult managers can be very effective, but not all offers are accepted.

I commend you for being courageous enough to discuss the issue with human resources and with your supervisor. Your manager needs to support you by having the discussion in greater detail with human resources, and taking the conversation to the next level of management. As your supervisor, your performance and professional livelihood should be important enough to pursue the issue. You are being prevented from being able to shine, to learn and develop, to be recognized for your success by others, to perhaps get a bonus based on your performance, or to be recognized on any kind of succession plans as having potential. Your career is being impacted negatively, not just your job.

Separating out the issues may help to evaluate what you can impact. You need the person in this key role to succeed, so that you too can too. If the expectations of the position are unreasonable, you may be able to help human resources redesign the job. With your insights, and the comments which were hopefully gathered during the past two exit interviews and by speaking with the incumbent, there may be a way to make the position more manageable. The challenging manager needs to be involved in this process. HR should be able to have a conversation about the cost of continually recruiting for this position, and the need to redesign the role to gain support from all involved.

In this way, the structure of the role might be viewed as the issue, and not the manager. As far as being part of the interview process, you can be honest with HR and decline to participate. Or you can also be part of finding a person to take the position who is made aware of the challenges, has experience working with difficult managers before, and wants a job where they can be successful.

This is also why applicants are encouraged to ask questions about why the position is open, and how the role is structured. When positions have history, it is most often not just because of the former employee.

Q. My supervisor seldom replies to text or email messages. She texts and emails us (whether she is in or out of the office), but when we have questions, she never replies. This leaves us all feeling pretty resentful. I've asked her which method of contact she prefers, but she just says to do whatever is convenient. Since she's out of the office so much, it's hard to catch her in person. What should we do? Are you required to reply to an electronic message as you would a phone call or letter?

Anonymous

A. It doesn’t matter what the form of communication is, when the recipient doesn’t respond, it’s frustrating. Whenever possible, a message should be responded to either on the same day or within 24 hours, even if it's just to acknowledge receipt of the message. Of course, there are circumstances when that's not possible, but it's a good general rule. Even if you can’t answer the question right away, a quick “Got it, will call later” lets the sender know you’ve seen the message and will respond as soon as is practical.

What is more disconcerting about your question is the fact that your supervisor does not respond to or acknowledge your text and email messages. Since she doesn’t respond to your colleagues’ messages either, you know it’s not personal. While it’s unlikely that this is the case, she might not answer because she thinks your messages are trivial. Even so, she shouldn’t just ignore you; she should discuss with you that you should only send messages that really are important. If your messages are in fact important and timely, then she is making a mistake by not acknowledging or answering them. This is a form of workplace rudeness that leads to the frustration and stress you are feeling. Some of the stress comes from the fact that addressing the issue with a supervisor is much more difficult than addressing it with a colleague.

You’ve already made the first effort by asking her which method of communication she prefers. You’ve complied, and she still isn't responding. Other options include having a conversation with her about this issue when she is at the office. If it’s a problem for your team, make an appointment to discuss it with her as a group. You could ask to discuss communications at the next staff meeting.

Finally, you can continue to do what you are doing, which is sending her your messages and then making the best choices you can without her input. Do keep a record of your texts and emails. If she challenges your decisions, you can produce the messages to show you were keeping her informed.

Q: I recently inherited an office from a contractor that worked for our company for several years. This contractor was just hired by our company into a senior role and has been assigned to work in a different location. When I moved into this office, we had problems with lost and misplaced keys for this desk and the office door. Our facilities manager finally hired a locksmith to open the desk and have new keys made for the desk and the office door. I found many (very) personal items in the desk. I am now embarrassed about having a locksmith open the desk. What do I do with these items?

A: Stumbling across a colleague’s personal effects can be an uncomfortable situation. However, based on the information that you have shared, I believe you have done nothing wrong. I think anyone taking over a private office would expect to receive a set of keys to the office and to the desk. And if the keys weren’t in good working order and security was a concern, having new keys made seems like a perfectly reasonable course of action.

You don’t share specifically what you uncovered (and I am thankful for that perhaps). However, if you have found family photos, a cell phone charger, a half-used bottle of hand sanitizer and a frequent shopper card, I wouldn’t be too concerned about boxing up the items and shipping them to your colleague. I do suspect, though, that you have uncovered other items that may not be the run of the mill items that are found in many other desks within your company. If you have found items that are against company policy, then you may need to take action (especially if there is a company policy in place that requests that you to do so). I would suggest involving your Human Resources Department to ensure that you are taking appropriate action. Especially if you have found an item or items that could be considered dangerous or against a company policy, you need to take action and report this information to HR. Some of the items that I believe clearly warrant a call to HR include: marijuana or other drug paraphernalia, a weapon and confidential company and/or client information that this employee should not have had. Let your HR team make the decision on how to proceed.

A lesson for all of us in offices. It is ok to have personal family photos in most workplaces. It is OK to keep gum in our desks. It is often ok to keep hand sanitizer in our desks. However, your desk is not your desk. It is your employer’s desk.

I contacted Jeffrey Dretler, Partner of the Labor and Employment Practice at Prince, Lobel, Glovsky and Tye LLP, to add share his perspective on your inquiry. Dretler adds:

Under Massachusetts law, employees may have a reasonable expectation of privacy with regard to their offices, desks, files, lockers, or briefcases. However, an employer may reduce the reasonable expectation of privacy by publishing written policies prohibiting or discouraging employees from storing personal material in these locations and warning employees in advance that these areas may be searched. One area that has garnered particular attention lately is whether an employee has a legitimate expectation of privacy in personal emails sent or received via a computer or handheld electronic device owned by the employer. Here, too, employers can reduce an employee’s expectation of privacy by publishing policies declaring that any email sent or received on a company-owned electronic device is company property and subject to search. That being said, employers should tread carefully when accessing employee communications that were clearly intended by the employee to remain private unless there is a legitimate business interest in doing so, such as investigating a claim of harassment or theft of company information.

In short, my recommendation to all employees -- leave sensitive, personal or inappropriate items at home. On a related note, remember your email is not your property. Be careful about what you forward to others. This can be traced.

Q. The junior staffer whom I directly supervise told me she is dating another coworker. She told me this in confidence on a Friday evening when we went out for a few drinks. The coworker she is dating is a mid-level manager like me. I consider them both my friends as well. She told me not to tell our department head and not to tell the coworker she is dating that I know. The coworker and I work together on many projects. In hindsight, I can see where their romance has impacted a few tasks in the past months. I am concerned our team performance will be negatively impacted. I do not want my job or title or reputation to be on the line because I knew about their relationship.

I am not sure if I should confide in my manager, confront the junior staffer saying to keep her relationship outside of work, or not say anything at all. Any advice would be helpful.

J. F., Boston, MA

A. By confiding in you, the junior staffer has put you in a position where your silence has the potential to boomerang on you. You need to act. First step, talk to the junior staffer and explain that her revelation has put you in an ethical bind and that she and your coworker need to own up to the relationship. Let her know that you are concerned both because teamwork may be negatively impacted and because if (or more likely “when”) the cat is out of the bag, you may be implicated in hiding the information.

FULL ENTRY

Q. I come from a country where text messaging is very much ingrained in everyday living. When it comes to texting bosses or supervisors, however, where must one draw the line?

A. A., Quezon City, Metro Manila, Philippines

A. Unfortunately, there’s no single rule that defines whether to text a boss or not. Each boss and each company has different expectations. To answer your question, you’ll need to understand your boss and how he or she prefers to communicate. If you don’t know, err on the side of safety and use more traditional means of communicating—phone, interoffice memo, or email. Another option is to ask colleagues or your boss’ administrative assistant if texting her is acceptable. The best option may be to be direct and ask your boss yourself: “Ms. Smith, since you’re traveling today, should I text you once I have submitted the report to the client?”

First and foremost, remember that texting is a public form of communication. That means a text message can easily be seen by or forwarded to someone other than the intended recipient. Think of it this way: if you could post the message on a bulletin board for anyone to read, then it’s probably okay to send the message. If it’s confidential, don’t text it

Because texting is a staccato and very informal form of communication, it’s ripe for the kinds of spelling and grammatical mistakes which could reflect poorly on you when texting to a boss. Be sure to proofread any text to a boss before sending. Sloppy mistakes in something even as simple as a text can lead bosses to think your other work might be sloppy, too. While friends might overlook a mistake, your boss is left with an unprofessional impression of you

Take care using text-speak—those abbreviations that make it quicker to compose a message. While it may be quicker to compose a text message with abbreviations, your boss won’t thank you while she’s trying to puzzle together what you meant. Sending a message in code defeats the purpose of the communication. While your friends may enjoy decoding your abbreviations, your boss may be frustrated that she can’t understand what you’re saying. Along with text speak, avoid sending emoticons to your boss—this looks unprofessional.

Finally, texting during a business meeting or presentation is a sure way to signal that your attention is elsewhere. Unless they’ve been given the okay by the meeting leader, it’s best to turn off smart phones and other communications devices before the meeting begins.

Q. I am not a manager but an administrator. Two colleagues email each other about me. I only know this because I proxy email as the office administrator. I also know they whisper to each other about me and meet in the kitchen to discuss me. I am not paranoid but how do I handle this?

Today they whispered to each other and went to the kitchen so I went in too, smiled and chatted to them and put them off their stride.

Do I turn a blind eye?

E. E., Beckenham, Kent, UK

A. Gossip is an insidious problem. Among its many detriments it causes stress, breeds distrust, and is non-productive work time. Even the appearance of gossip?in this case whispering coworkers?is just as insidious. From your perspective, gossip is occurring even if it really isn?t. Every time you see your coworkers talking, whispering, or getting together, you assume the worst?that they are gossiping about you. While you may have been privy to the email(s) they shared about you, your letter doesn?t state that you have firm evidence that you are the primary topic of their conversations when they get together.

You have several courses of action you could take. As you suggest, you can turn a blind eye to them but doing so may not stop you from thinking they are talking about you. If you can ignore them this could be your solution, but you must have a thick skin when you see them whispering together.

A second option is to talk to one or both of them. You?ll need to have irrefutable proof, similar to the emails you?ve seen, that they?re talking about you. With proof in hand you can ask one of them to meet with you. Start by saying, ?Jane, thanks for meeting with me. I?m hoping we can resolve a problem here without it becoming a bigger issue. I wanted to talk to you about the fact that you and Eileen gossip about me. Did you know I was aware of your conversations and emails?? By asking the question, you put the ball in Jane?s court to acknowledge her role in the gossiping. Bring out the emails as verification if you need them. If Jane agrees to cease the gossiping, then let the issue rest. If it doesn?t end, you may have to take your complaint to your manager.

You also can choose to continue the efforts you described in your letter by co-opting the gossipers? time alone. Also, by encouraging them to get to know you, you may be able to change their opinion of you. Just don?t get caught in the trap of becoming a gossip yourself.

Q. I interviewed with 5 people from the same company. I met with them one at a time, and at the end, I met with the whole group. In my one-on-one meetings they were pretty direct about who they liked and who they didn’t. They told me who worked hard and who I wouldn’t need to pay attention to if I got the offer and took the job. It was really strange, and I wasn’t sure who to believe. When it came time to answer questions in front of the group, I felt like I was knee deep in internal politics and gossip and I didn’t even work there yet! Please don’t tell me not to take the job. I need a job, but I need a job that will last.

A. I am sure the company leadership including human resources would be horrified to hear of your experience. Part of the preparation in an effective recruitment, is for human resources and the hiring manager to coordinate areas to be discussed and questions to be asked by the company representatives. Most employees know they are acting as ambassadors for the company and are eager to represent the firm well. The employees you met with showed their dysfunction readily so before you accept an offer to join this group, you need to find out more about whom and what to believe.

Evaluating work environments, potentials colleagues, and a manager are an critical elements of the interview process. Yet, many job seekers forget that part or ignore it in their efforts to secure a job offer. In the assessment of an offer, I encourage people to think about whether they will be happy in the position , whether they will be successful, and how long they anticipate staying. Conducting a job search is hard work – conducting two searches in a very short period of time are even more difficult.

If you have the opportunity in this process, I would try and schedule a follow up meeting with the manager you would report to, and a human resources person. Without disclosing what happened, probe the relationships within the “team”, assess the managers understanding of the challenges, as well as their plans for the future. Perhaps plans include re-staffing this team and you are the first hire. Try and get the same kind of information from human resources. Without addressing these concerns you may be walking into a job where you (or anyone else) can’t win.

Q. Can you assist me with telephone etiquette? When you are on the phone and someone just walks into your office and starts talking without saying "EXCUSE ME!" What do you do?
E. R., Jackson, MS

A. Galling. Your situation happens over and over in the workplace, and there’s really no excuse for it. Except in an emergency, conversations in progress take precedence. Your best bet is to squelch it as it happens.

First, say to the person on the phone call, “Excuse me for just a second, Tara.” Cup your hand over the mouth piece so “Tara” doesn’t hear what you are about to say.

Then, look Mr. Interrupter right in the eye, and in a strong but not angry voice say, “John, I’m on the phone right now. You’ll have to wait. I’ll check in with you as soon as I’m done.”

With that said, look away from Mr. Interrupter and turn your attention back to your call. If he persists, again excuse yourself to your caller, cover the mouthpiece and respond to Mr. Interrupter, “John, I don’t want to be interrupted. So unless this is an emergency, I will get back to you when I’m done.”

The only excuse Mr. Interrupter has for breaking in on your conversation is if it’s a real emergency. If that’s truly the case, then explain the situation to the person on the phone and be sure to return the call as soon as possible.

Mr. Interrupter has options. When he enters your office, he should immediately take note of the fact you are on the phone and refrain from talking. He could catch your eye and silently mouth the word “Emergency” to let you know something really serious needs your immediate attention. He could mouth the words, “Call me” to indicate he knows you are on the phone and wants to talk as soon as you’re available. He could slip you a note asking you to call him when you’re through. Or he could simply back out, wave and try contacting you later.

Even if he does nothing, the fact you saw him will most likely prompt you to contact him when you are finished with your call. All of these options respect the fact that you are on the phone and show that he had no intention of interrupting you. They also ensure that the person you are talking to continues to receive your attention and isn’t suddenly placed in the middle of an office issue between you and Mr. Interrupter.

By the way, even if he says, “Excuse me,” it isn’t a license to interrupt your conversation.

Q. At a wedding, when the bride and groom are being toasted, do they take part in the toast along with everybody else?

T. O., Peterborough, NH

A. This is a great personal question which raises the issue of toasting at business events as well. Interestingly, the answer to this question is the same as for toasts in all situations: the person being toasted—bride and groom, honoree, retiree—does not drink along with everyone else. The honoree(s) stays seated, smiles, and after the toast can nod a thank you to the toaster. It is then permissible, though not required, that the toastee becomes the toaster. It’s the perfect time for the toastee to thank the toaster for the toast, the attendees for coming to the event, or to single out a person who is especially important. The bride or groom might toast their parents or each other. An honoree or a retiree could toast the manager, CEO or the people he or she worked with.

Typically, the host toasts first, especially at receptions and other large functions. It’s optional whether the guests stand or remain seated.

Other tips for toasting:

Keep it short. One to two minutes maximum. Any more and you’ll have everyone squirming in their seats.

Prepare ahead of time. Don’t think you can just wing it. Write out your remarks ahead of time.

Practice, practice, practice. Do it in a room where you can close the door and speak out loud. Get used to the sound of your voice, and let your mouth get used to shaping the words. You’ll also become familiar enough with your toast that you won’t need to read it, you can speak it. You’ll sound more genuine. You can write a few bullet points on a note card to refer to when giving your toast.

Avoid personal stories, especially if they might be embarrassing to the honoree. A reminiscence, praise, or a relevant story is fine as long as it’s in keeping with the occasion.

Avoid excessive drinking ahead of time. Mix your nervousness with some alcohol and you have a recipe for a disaster.

Q. How do you handle an obnoxious co-worker who belches with her mouth open and as loud as possible as if she just downed a pitcher of beer? She doesn't say excuse me and justifies it because it is a "God-given" natural bodily function. Management ignores it. She can be heard over the phone. Yes it is that loud!

L.W., Mechanicsville, VA

A. I can think of a number of “bodily functions” that are natural, and yet I wouldn’t think of doing them in public. Even if her belching is the result of a medical condition, she should be able to keep the noise of belching from disturbing others. Excusing one’s self for burping is a basic manner that most people learn in childhood. Ms. Belcher has missed the point entirely by arguing that she’s going to continue belching regardless of what others think. By not excusing herself, she implies that her behavior is intentional. The problem is in business it’s the opinion of others—clients, bosses, co-workers—that counts. Because her belching is disruptive, the focus shifts to her belching, not to getting work done. Externally, her belching may cause clients to develop a negative opinion of the company. (Client: “Are all the employees this rude?”) If she belches loudly and offends a client she is talking to, all the excuses she can make won’t make up for the fact that the client could be offended and business may be affected. The first step to changing her behavior is to talk to her directly. Unfortunately, as she has already stated her justification for belching, it doesn’t sound as if she will listen.

The real problem you face isn’t with Ms. Belcher, it’s with management. No workplace can afford to let a situation fester that affects morale and productivity. It seems almost unbelievable that management would ignore this behavior, if not because it’s affecting the work atmosphere then because it could directly impact the business’s success if clients are offended. Either management is clueless or management belches as well. If management belches, you'll need to try to convince them of the business implications of this behavior.

Then again, management may be clueless. Don’t assume management is aware of and ignoring the situation. Talk to your manager, preferably with a couple of co-workers to back you up. Let her know that Ms. Belcher’s loud burps are affecting workplace productivity and potentially hurting business. If management refuses to address the situation, you are really left with only one of three choices: learn to put up with the belching, seek a transfer to another department, or begin looking for a job at a workplace that doesn’t condone this type of behavior.

Q. Please tell me the proper way to introduce one to another. Is it Ms. Important I want you to meet Mr. Unimportant? That is woman to a man, older woman to another woman or man, older man to younger man?

C. C., Saratoga, CA

A. Who to introduce to whom has always been a baffling question. Whole chapters have been written listing all the possible situations and how to make the introduction. All the advice can be distilled down to one simple rule: speak to the person you wish to honor first. In your example the correct introduction would be to turn to Ms. (Mr. or Mrs.) Important and say something like: “Ms. Important. I would like to introduce Mr. Unimportant, my associate (or whatever relationship you have with Mr. Unimportant).” Then turn to Mr. Unimportant and say something like, “Mr. Unimportant. I would like you to meet Ms. Important, a director of XYZ Company.” A more real life scenario would be “Grandmother, I would like to introduce my girlfriend, Frieda Smith, to you.” Then turning to Frieda say, “Frieda, this is my grandmother, Mrs. Abbott.” Tradition dictates that if introducing a man and a woman of equal status (either in business or social situations) you speak to the woman first. Likewise, age takes precedence—speak to the older person first. Speak first to a person with a title: Senator, Doctor, Reverend. In business, follow company ranking, but a client is considered more important than anyone in the company, including the CEO.

Q. I, as well as others, received flowers from the 10 shareholders of my company. Please let me know how the thank-you note should be addressed – a note to each, or one to the 10 collectively? Any other advice would be welcomed. Thanks!

P. M., Austin, TX

A. The best approach is to send a note to each person individually. I can’t see how you could send a collective note to one person and hope the others see your thank you as well.

There is one alternative which I usually don’t recommend but can see using in a situation such as this—individual e-mail thank-you notes. These e-mails wouldn’t be sent to a group because it would be difficult to write an effective salutation. “Dear Shareholders” isn’t very personal.

The reason for the receipt of the flowers matters. For a situation such as bereavement or a birthday, a personal, handwritten note to each group member is the right approach. In your situation in which the flowers were sent to several people, perhaps as a thank you for extra effort, the individual thank you e-mail to each person works.

Q. I am sending a gift to the head of the corporation, his wife had a baby. How do I sign the card?

M. R., Round Lake Beach, IL

A. If the gift is just from you, depending on your familiarity with the head and his wife you sign the card either with your first name or with your first and last name. If the gift is a group gift from a department or team, then sign the card with the name of the group and include the individual names, if that’s feasible.

The real question here is the appropriateness of giving a gift to honor a social occasion to a business associate or higher-up. If you’re on a first name basis with the head or his wife, giving a gift from you personally is appropriate. This may be the case if you know him well and you’re his admin or work with him on a consistent basis. I recommend sending the gift to the couple’s home or giving him the gift outside of the office or at the office at a time when you can do it privately. The gift should be a personal effort on your part because you and the head know each other well.

If you’re not on a first name basis or don’t work directly with him, you probably don’t know him well enough to be giving a gift on your own A better course of action is for the employees to give a gift as a group. This eliminates the possibility of employees trying to one up each other or feeling compelled to give a gift.

Q. When addressing or just posting names on a list if it's a couple, do your write Jane and John Jones or John and Jane Jones? If you are just using first names do you put the woman or man first: John and Jane or Jane and John?

M. R., Enid, OK

A. Traditionally, the woman’s name is listed first: Jane and John Jones or, when using first names, Jane and John. Today, John and Jane Jones and John and Jane are also acceptable. Whichever way you choose, be consistent with your list.

Q. At work, we have a phone system which is integrated with Microsoft Outlook. Employees are able to see who has called and who has left a voice mail. What is the proper thing to do when someone calls but does not leave a message? Do you call them back or only call those people back who left a message?

J. G., Jefferson City, MO

A. The rule of thumb would be to return the calls of the people who leave a message while not returning the calls of the people who don’t. I can imagine a situation in which a person has called your business by mistake, and, after hearing the greeting, hangs up without leaving a message. It would then be awkward to call the person back and put them in the position of having to explain that they called you in error.

If you know the person who called, then you might call back. Acknowledge why you are calling at the start of the call: “Hi John, this is Peter. I saw on my 'missed calls' list that you had called. I’m returning your call to see if there is anything you need.” Callers, better to leave a message, even if it’s “Sorry, wrong number.”

I have two related phone call pet peeves. I get frustrated when someone misdials, and when I answer, hangs up abruptly. It would be better for the person to speak to me: “I’m sorry, I was trying to reach Amanda at 802 555 1212. Is this that number?” I can then reply it’s not. I’ll often tell them the last four digits of my number so they know they dialed incorrectly, but if you’re uncomfortable doing that, it’s not necessary.

When I call someone who has caller ID, it’s disconcerting if he answers by saying “Hi, Peter” before I can announce myself. I may be using someone else’s phone—either land line or cell phone. Then we have that weird moment when I reply, “No actually it’s Peter calling on Tom’s phone.” It’s better to let the person calling identify himself than to assume you know who is calling.

Readers: Do you have a phone etiquette pet peeve?

Q. Maybe this isn’t the right question to ask the job doc, but it is a work question. We have been through one layoff here, and it was horrible. Everyone knew it would happen but no one thought they might be the person affected. So they were shocked. Then no one knew what to say to them while they were here packing. A few of us were talking about what the right thing to do is – so what is the right thing to do?

A. Layoffs are tough on all involved, and I really appreciate the fact that as “survivors”, you care about the people affected. One of the challenges of lay offs is making the decision on which positions will be impacted. Management is charged with the task of identifying positions based on business needs, which can be eliminated. The painful part comes when there are real people in those positions. Companies with solid business practices create very concrete selection criteria for which positions will be eliminated and how decisions will be made when there are multiple people in similar if not identical roles.

FULL ENTRY

Q: I work in a small medical clinic. We have a few people who whisper to each other quite frequently. When a person walks in on this behavior or it occurs while you are working next to a person, it's very uncomfortable. How should this be handled?

D. D., West Alexandria, OH

A: Ask a room full of people, "If two colleagues are in the same area as you and they're whispering to each other, what goes through your mind?" Invariably when I ask this question during a business etiquette seminar, I get one answer: "They're gossiping about me."

Usually, it's innocent: They may simply be trying to keep their voices down to avoid bothering colleagues with their conversation. In your medical office environment patient confidentiality may be another valid reason why coworkers are whispering. Unfortunately, what they're actually doing and what they're perceived to be doing may be two very different things. If the perception is that they're whispering for the "wrong" reason, then it engenders negative feelings among coworkers. Whispering in and of itself is the culprit here, not the intentions of the colleagues. By its very nature whispering is exclusionary and almost always misconstrued as gossiping. Conversations of a private nature should be held where they won't be overheard.

The solution to your situation is two-fold. If you're friendly with one of the whisperers, talk to that person off-line about the problem and its effect on coworkers which may remedy the immediate situation. Take it one step further and ask management to discuss the broader issues with the staff, both the need for establishing a place to have conversations regarding patient information and the perception of whispering as gossiping.

Gossip is one of the most destructive forces present in the workplace. It's a form of rudeness which leads to mistrust, suspicion, frustration, and stress, and can result in lower productivity, profits, retention and, if word gets out about the toxic environment, recruiting. More and more companies have recognized the insidious effects of gossip and are instituting "No Gossip" policies. Reports from companies that have done so indicate that the workplace environment has improved markedly once the policy was put in place.

Q. A male co-worker and I often take the stairs at work rather than the elevator. It's usually not crowded and we walk side-by-side. We wondered what the correct etiquette would be if someone needed to pass us (going up or down) on the stairs. Should he rush ahead of me to let the person pass? Or should he fall behind me allowing the person to pass?

C. L., Anaheim, CA

A. Your dilemma can be solved by considering your possible actions and then choosing the one that works best for everyone. Generally, stairways are like traffic lanes: keep right except to pass. Presuming that you are on the railing or wall side and your co-worker is in the middle, he has three options.

Option 1: He can hold his position and make the on-coming person dodge him. This choice can appear confrontational on his part and doesn't solve the problem. So let's discard it.

Option 2: Your co-worker can quickly step in front of you to make room for the person to pass. This gives the on-coming person a clear path, but doesn't work well for you and your co-worker as his sudden step forward could cause him to bump into you. The only way this option works is if you simultaneously slow down to let him step in front of you, a maneuver requiring the two of you to act in tandem. Too complicated.

Option 3: Your co-worker can slow down, step behind you and allow the other person to pass. You don't have to do a thing and the problem is solved. By the way, this isn't a gender issue. Take the same action if you're the one walking in the middle of the stairway.

Etiquette really isn't about rules; it's about using common sense coupled with applying consideration, respect and honesty to resolve a situation. In this case consideration means recognizing a situation exists and needs to be acted on. Respect asks your co-worker to evaluate how possible courses of action will affect each person involved. Honesty simply helps him assess which solution works best for everyone, not just him. When there are no conventions to guide you, applying this technique gives you the best chance to "do the right thing."

Q. I have a friend whom I work with and eat lunch with everyday, but unfortunately she is a loud eater. I'm not just talking about crunching chips or slurping soup but a mouth open, tongue on the roof of her mouth, wet smack with each jaw movement. She will even complete entire sentences with a cheek or mouth full of half chewed food. I am almost embarrassed for her. It has gotten to the point where it is all I hear at lunch and start to feel myself gag. She is a wonderful person who is a college graduate in her mid-20s but apparently never learned how to properly chew her food. How do I politely address this with her?

Anonymous

A. Unquestionably, one of the worst table manners faux pas is to chew with your mouth open. It's disgusting. I once asked a group of women: On a first date, if a man chewed with his mouth open, would he get a second date? Unanimously and quite vociferously, they responded, "No way!" It's a "deal breaker." There are lots of mistakes you can make at a dinner table and people will shrug them off such as using the wrong fork. But chew with your mouth open and people won't want to eat with you again, they may choose not to go on another date, and they may decide not to select you for that important client-facing job or to work with you. Many people aren't even aware that they're doing it. One way to see yourself as others see you is to eat a meal in front of a mirror.

Address the issue with your friend with the goal of helping her to be more successful. Approach her privately and with the utmost sincerity. "Jessica, there's something I'm going to talk to you about, and, believe me, it's not an easy subject. If the tables were turned, I hope you would clue me in. I'm concerned because you're a bright, talented person, but this habit will negatively affect your success in business. Are you aware that you chew your food with your mouth open?"

Q. I was recently involved in an inter-departmental training project that went very well. Based on my performance on this project, I have been asked to produce a similar presentation with several other departments throughout our firm. My success in this project was, of course, a collaboration.

I would like to send each of the department heads who were instrumental in our success a hand-written thank you note on good quality stationary--cotton ecru hand torn with a gold leaf embossed header with matching lined envelope. I have seen conflicting recommendations on how to do this appropriately within a business environment, but I read somewhere else that since it is business related, it should be typed on company letterhead.

I really am grateful and want to sincerely say thank you, not send a dry, bland memo that feels more like a political positioning than a thank you. How do I show sincere thanks while remaining professionally appropriate?

M. P., Oak Point, TX

A. While your thanks may be personal, they are being offered in a business context and should be written on company letterhead, not personal or blank business stationery. A typed note with a handwritten sentence or "thank you" written directly on the letterhead along with your handwritten signature strikes a good balance between the personal and professional. Because it carries the company imprimatur, this style of note would be suitable for inclusion in the recipient's personnel file or for framing on an office wall, depending on the subject matter. Easily composed, a personal business note generally has four parts: the greeting, an expression of appreciation for the occasion or favor, mention of enjoyment or value, and a sign-off.

While the usual 8.5" x 11" letterhead is perfectly appropriate for thank-you notes, some alternatives are monarch-size letterhead for typed and printed notes and fold-over notes with company name and logo for handwritten notes. At large companies, senior executives, directors and board members may have personalized company letterhead that includes their name and title. This, of course, would be the best solution. You might suggest that your company provide business-personal stationery in addition to standard letterhead.

Q. I don't belong to Facebook. Two acquaintances I know do. They discovered they both knew me and have been emailing to each other about me. I discovered this when one person forwarded all the other person's emails about me to me. I was really dismayed and upset. It has caused a breach in both friendships. I don't feel I can ever feel comfortable again with them. Is this something that can't be avoided? If so, I don't think highly of Facebook or any social networking. I would appreciate your input on this dilemma.

J.L. North Andover, Mass

A. Unfortunately, your dilemma is more basic than Facebook or other social networking sites and cannot be avoided so long as people choose to talk behind other people's backs. Long before computers were a means of communication, people did things like pass hand-written notes between each other, notes filled with the same hurtful comments that your ex-friends articulated when they used Facebook as a vehicle for their insensitivity. Regardless of the means by which the catty comments are conveyed, communicating them in any form is rude, hurtful, and wrong. It's galling that it happens not just in people's personal lives, but also in business. One of the basic tenants of communication I teach in my business etiquette seminars is not to use a public form of communication for anything that you don't want other people to see. Think of it this way: If you can't post that message on a bulletin board for anyone to see, then don't use social networking vehicles--or email, texting, or voice mail or even hand-written notes--to convey that message. Inevitably, Murphy will get you. At the moment you most don't want it to be seen, it will be seen by the person you don't want to see it.

In your situation the damage is done. The hurt and betrayal by both parties can't be erased. You have two choices: To engage either or both of the people in an attempt to clear the air and begin rebuilding the relationship; or accept that these people were not the people you thought they were and realize you're better off not associating with them anymore. It's a tough choice.

Q. Our office received a visit and gourmet breakfast treats from a high profile individual as a thank you for work we did for him that he personally brought by our office. Since his gesture was a thank you should it be followed up with another note of thanks?

S. L., Washington, DC

A. 'Tis the season. Even in these difficult economic times, clients are offering expressions of thanks for work done during the year or on a project. Sometimes these gifts are delivered in person. Other times a delivery company brings them to your office. If the gift had been sent by a delivery company, a thank you note would be required. Not only does it express your appreciation, it also lets the sender know that you received the gift.

If, as in your case, the individual brings the gift personally and he is thanked, etiquette says you have met your obligation--he is both thanked and he knows you have received the gift. That said, a thank you note is still totally appropriate and a good business decision. Not only did he purchase the gift for you, he made the extra effort to deliver it personally. What more considerate way for you to let him know you truly appreciate his gesture than to send him a note in addition to thanking him when he delivered the gift? In addition, consider the thank you note not as an obligation but as a smart business move--one more opportunity to interact positively with him. He's a high profile person who has influence in your community. By going the extra mile you reinforce the reasons he wants to do business with you.

Keep it short and simple. "Dear Mike, Your gift of the gourmet breakfast treats was such a pleasant surprise, and it was so nice of you to bring it to us yesterday. I know the staff enjoyed having the opportunity to spend a few minutes talking with you. We've very much appreciated being able to work with you and hope to have the opportunity again in the new year. On behalf of the entire staff, thank you again. Jill"

Q. One of my "Facebook friends" is a man whom I've met two or three times in a professional group. I don't know him very well, but he seems like a rather smart and nice person. Unfortunately, he comments on at least 80 percent of my updates and posts. Most of his comments are pretty relevant and sometimes funny, but I feel the amount of feedback I'm getting is disproportionate to our actual relationship. I'm like the girl at a party who's exchanging pleasantries with a guy, but then the conversation just goes on and on, making me seem unavailable to anyone else.

This Facebook friend seems like a pretty decent person. I value his online presence so I don't want to just "unfriend" him or change my privacy settings. What do I do?

J. L., Montreal, QC, Canada

A. It's always difficult when you have to put limits on a relationship. Whether you're the girl at the party trying to exit a never-ending conversation or the person on Facebook receiving more comments than you think is warranted, cutting someone else off is awkward. It can leave hurt feelings and resentment if not done carefully.

If you have the patience, first try some benign options. Give it time. Perhaps he's new to Facebook and will reduce his commenting as the novelty wears off. Or you could take a break for a week or two yourself. When you start up again, you may discover that he's found other places to spend his time, and, therefore, he comments less often.

Approaching him directly is the next step. Before doing that, accept that he may feel some embarrassment as it's likely it wasn't his intent to overload your page. That said, it's OK to go ahead and communicate with him directly. Do it gently, and privately. Because you've met him professionally, you can call him or write him. "Jim, I value our professional friendship, and I'm glad were connected on Facebook. While I appreciate all your comments, I was wondering if you'd mind dialing your commenting back some so other people have a chance to comment as well? Thanks."

Q. I need some advice, please. When we tried to order lunch in the office for Boss's Day, our boss wouldn't let us pay for hers (we each paid for our own). This may seem nice, but isn't it somewhat graceless to turn down a small gift of this sort? (We each would have contributed about $2) If people genuinely want to do something kind, should you turn down a small token of appreciation? Maybe I'm reading this wrong? Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

A. W., Lebanon, NH

A. Certainly, your boss could have accepted your offer, but it was just that--an offer. And an offer is an option you give to a person, not a demand, and she chose not to accept. What I don't read in your letter is a reason for her turn-down, so I suggest you presume that it was positive. Perhaps, in these tight economic times she didn't want recognition of Boss's Day to cause any burden, no matter how small, on any person in the office. By choosing to partake in the lunch, she accepted the opportunity to spend time with you in a non-work related moment, which may well have meant much more to her than the cost of her lunch.

Q. At this time of the year I feel it's more important than ever to maintain relationships, and I'd like to do this by sending Christmas cards to my extended professional network. As a divorced male, how do I deal with women contacts? Is it permissible to direct a Christmas card to my professional female contacts, even if they're married? Do I send it to their homes, or only to work addresses? Also, I'd like to get gifts for some of the senior people at my current client, but I don't want to overstep some bound by giving a nice gift to a married woman.

E. L., Alpharetta, GA

A. Treat all your business contacts with the same consideration--male, female, married or unmarried. Send holiday cards to their business addresses. Before sending any gifts, be sure there isn't a limitation at the client?s company on receiving gifts. Keep away from any gift that is personal in nature such as clothing or cologne.

Q. I’m over 40 and was brought up that you always address people whom you don’t know or acquaintances who are older than you as "Mr./Ms./Mrs. Last Name”.

I work with a guy with whom I’ve become good friends over the last 5 years, but whose wife I’ve never met. The couple is 12 years older than I. Two years ago, I sent them a Christmas card. On the card itself I addressed it to “Pete and Mrs. Last Name”. I truly thought this was appropriate because I’ve never met her. Immediately upon receipt I was told that his wife was furious because I called her “Mrs. Last Name” and that I should have used her first name. Was I mistaken?

Also, I have a business acquaintance with whom I’ve become very friendly. He’s slightly older than I, but I always call him “Mr. Last Name.” He’s never corrected me. So, respecting that, I continue to call him “Mr.” Again, I’ve been told this is not the correct etiquette.
A. L., East Windsor, NJ

A. The key when addressing couples is to maintain consistency between the names. In this case, you really should have used her first name, but her being furious because you called her “Mrs. Last Name” was an over-reaction on her part.

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With the holiday season upon us, I can’t think of a better time to offer a gentle reminder about the importance of “Thank you” than on Thanksgiving. Whether it’s for a great party, a fabulous meal or a beautiful gift, a heartfelt thank you is both essential and appreciated. That “Thank you” can take the form of an in-person expression of thanks, a phone call and/or a handwritten note. Here are five tips for giving thanks and showing your appreciation:

1. Thank them twice. Once as you’re leaving the party and then again the next day when you send a note. While the note isn’t obligatory, it sure will be remembered, and your thoughtfulness appreciated.
2. Make the effort to write it the next day. It’s is easy—three to five sentences and you’re done. “Dear Mary and Tom, Thanks so much for hosting Thanksgiving this year. The meal was superb, especially the unexpected sweet potatoes with marshmallow on top. It was great meeting your friends Rebecca and Harry. The day couldn’t have been better. Hope to see you soon. Peter” That’s it. Put it in an envelope with a stamp and mail it.
3. If you open a gift with the giver watching you, you can simply express your thanks in person. You’re not obliged to send a thank-you note or make a call the next day. If you don’t open the gift in front of the giver, then you should send a note or call to say “Thank you” right away..
4. E-mail or snail-mail? If you send an e-mail, you hope it gets past spam blockers and gets read amidst the dozens of other e-mails in the person’s inbox. Once read, it’s deleted. If you mail a note, it stands out from bills and junk mail. Once opened, most likely it remains on the counter or desk for a while where it reminds the person of you. Would you rather be deleted or remembered?
5. Get a gift that’s not your favorite? Find something about it you can comment on positively—“I really love sweaters, especially in blue” or, if all else fails, “That is so thoughtful of you, thank you.”

Q. On which side of the shoulder/chest should a name tag be worn?

M. L., Laramie, WY

A. The appropriate side to wear a name tag is on the right side. The reason is that as you extend your hand in greeting, the gaze of the person you are meeting can easily follow your extended arm back to the name tag. More important than which side is the “correct” side is that each person at an event actually makes the effort to wear the name tag. They are incredibly useful for people who are meeting many new people at once. The event organizer should do everything possible in preparing the name tags to encourage people to wear them. This means paying attention both to the way the tag is worn and to the information provided on the tag.

Tags with pins or clips can damage clothing, especially a nice sweater or silk-like blouse. Even adhesive-backed labels can leave marks on clothes. The end result is that people either don’t wear them, or clip them to waistbands, purses or briefcases where they’re not easily seen. Lanyard-style badges, while kind to clothing, can get flipped over rendering them useless. A great alternative is the magnetic clip. These clips leave no marks on or holes in clothing and have enough gripping power to adhere through sweaters and jackets as well as lighter clothing.

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I have shared an office with my boss for almost a year now. Since day one I have noticed that she clears her throat...a lot. It's not just your typical little clearing, it's much more than that and can last for up to an hour at a time. I have lasted a year with this, but it is starting to become unbearable. Even with headphones on I can still hear it. There isn’t another space for me to move to. Can you please give me some advice on how I should approach this?

A. B., Winchester, MA

Shared offices, cubical environments and open office are obvious ways for a business to save on costs. That sharing of space comes at a cost as well: People’s annoying, disturbing and sometimes even offensive actions can affect productivity and therefore profits. In your situation simple fixes like earphones or moving to another space either didn’t work or aren’t possible, and doing nothing is intolerable. Unless you’re willing to quit, it’s time to talk to your boss.

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Q. How do you respond to an employee who you supervise who is unresponsive and ill-mannered, after many attempts to correct the issues?

T. K, Antioch, CA

A. The short answer would seem to be: “You fire the employee.” The issue is no longer about the behavior; it’s about the refusal to correct a behavior. As the supervisor, it’s your job to make sure each employee knows the expectations your company has for behavior, and it’s the employees’ responsibility to meet them. Otherwise, it can negatively affect morale when one employee is perceived to be exempt from having to comply with company standards.

Before doing anything so drastic as firing an employee, you need to let the employee know both verbally and, better yet, in writing what these expectations are and specifically what the employee is doing that isn’t consistent with those expectations. And that may be the crux of the matter for you: Are you, in fact, being explicit with the employee? What form have your attempts to correct the issue taken? If you haven’t really been clear the employee may not have “heard” you. If you beat around the bush, trying to be “polite,” your message could be ambiguous.

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Q. I have a co-worker with whom I've started to develop a social relationship outside of work. Around other people, she’s supportive, and never says anything negative. Yet, when we get together for lunch, she’ll make unflattering comments to the effect that I “don't make much money,” that my efforts to volunteer as a mediator are useless because “attorneys and judges outrank me,” and that my therapist takes personal phone calls during sessions because “she's using her status over me” not because she's rude or unprofessional.

I’ve taken her previous comments in stride, but I’d like to let her know that it seems as if she's the one who thinks people have the one-up on me, including herself. What's a polite way of saying this without damaging our work relationship?

Anonymous

A. As you’ve discovered, the woman who is supportive at work is taking an aggressive, superior stance in her role as your new friend. While she may see herself as some kind of mentor, she’s critical without giving any real advice. The relationships we have at work don’t always translate into good social ones. Sharing too much personal information with work associates can put you at a disadvantage and impact you both personally and professionally. While you’ve taken the opportunity to get to know this woman better, there seems to be no benefit, especially to your self-esteem, in taking it further.

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The question last week raised the broader issue of planning holiday parties. While many companies may be downsizing their holiday event, that doesn’t mean that any less care should be taken with planning the party. In fact, given the economic necessities of tighter belts and having to do more with less—all stress inducers at the workplace—hosting a holiday party is one way a company can give back to the employees, even if that party is down-sized itself. As that season is fast approaching, consider the following advice for successfully planning your company’s holiday party:

Pre-planning: Start now to line up a date for the event. If it will be off-site and you haven’t done so already, this week check to see if the facility can accommodate you on your preferred date. Be ready with a couple of optional dates if your first choice isn’t available.

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Q: Holiday parties for employees always bring out challenges, but I may have one this year that takes it to a higher level. Our company with approximately 200 employees always hosts a nice Friday or Saturday holiday evening dinner with dancing, etc. in December. Everyone is invited to bring a spouse or guest. It's been well-attended, with few issues of any magnitude over the years.

This past summer, a male employee was involved in sexual relationships with several women in the company. He resigned quickly, and it seems that people have pretty much moved on. One woman in the office remains in a relationship with him and has voiced intentions to bring him to our party. This seems like a bad idea because employees he either had an affair with or attempted to date will be at the party, some with their significant others.
Should the company "ban" him?
B. B., North Chatham, MA

A: Would it be simpler if the Lothorio doesn’t attend the holiday party? Absolutely. Unfortunately, in this situation, unless there is a legal reason which is beyond the purview of etiquette, banning this individual is not the answer. The current policy is clean and simple: employees can bring a guest. The problem is once you start banning people for one reason, what’s to stop people from wanting to ban someone else for another reason? If an employee’s significant other is a loud-mouthed braggart who becomes the center of attention, it’s still not acceptable to call the employee aside and tell her she can’t bring him. It’s a slippery slope that should be avoided.

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Q. Is it appropriate for a supervisor who is a grandmother-to-be to send around a list asking if any of her employees are interested in attending her daughter's baby shower? None of the employees really know the mother-to-be, aside from hearing about the pregnancy and seeing her photos in the supervisor's office.
C. K., Mays Landing, NJ

A. No, it’s not appropriate for this supervisor, who is a grandmother, to send a list around asking if anyone is interested in attending her granddaughter’s baby shower. It would be one thing if there were staff members who were also friends of the daughter, but that’s clearly not the case here. The supervisor is creating a doubly awkward situation for the employees. First, no one should ever be asked if they’d like to sign up for an invitation. Second, do employees say “No” and risk hurting their supervisor’s feelings, or do they say “Yes” and feel trapped into accepting, attending, and buying a gift for the event? It’s a lose-lose situation.

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Q. I am originally from California where revolving doors are a rarity. Now that I live in Chicago, I encounter them all the time. What is the proper protocol for who goes first? Does a man proceed before a woman to get the door moving, or does he always allow the woman to go first?

E. M., Chicago, IL

A. The old advice about revolving doors was that the man chivalrously stepped forward and went first to get the heavy door moving. In this day and age of electric-assisted everything, most revolving doors are already moving slowly and barely need a touch to make them move or glide easily. Therefore, the implication that the man entered first because the woman needed help getting it moving no longer applies. Typically, today, as a man and woman approach a revolving door, the person who gets to the door first steps in and gets it going. Especially at crowded rush hour times, there are too many people trying to get through the door for men to step aside so women can go first.

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Q. In a business setting, is it correct to address a co-worker as “he” or “she” while in a group or meeting, or is it proper etiquette to address them by their first name?
L. S., Avon, CT

A. Imagine the following scene. You and your boss enter a room to meet and engage with a new client. After introductions, your boss and the client talk, and as they do so, they begin referring to you as “she.” “Marge is the point person on this project. She’ll make sure everything is on time. If you need anything she’ll get it for you. She’s…” You begin to feel invisible. Because they’re referring to you as “she,” you no longer feel you’re part of the conversation. Why? Because “he” and “she” are third person forms of address. They’re used to refer to someone else—a person not in a room or the immediate vicinity or a person who is clearly not part of a conversation.

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Q. What would you suggest is the appropriate way to follow up a cover letter and resume sent via email? Generally when these are sent in response to a classified type ad, the ad says "No phone calls, please." However the norm for firms seems to be to never respond to applicants at all. I find this trend very inconsiderate although understandable in the current economic climate. Is there anyway to get past the email wall and find out whether the firm is still hiring or not?

M. O., Belmont, MA

A. You’re trapped in a Catch 22: you’ve got a problem if you act and you’ve got a problem if you don’t act. If an employer says “No phone calls, please” what does calling say about your ability to follow directions? So, let’s take making a phone call off the table right away. One alternative is to do some sleuthing to find out the name of a person in the HR department who you can contact by email. Check the company’s web site and see if personnel are listed. Or, call the department and ask who you can contact and what their email address is. A third option is to work your network to see if anyone you know can give you the name of a person to contact.

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I have a close, adult family member who doesn’t have very good table manners. I’ve tried nicely to offer advice but it doesn't seem to sink in. I’ve tried to convey how it looks to others, not trying to embarrass her but to hopefully make her aware how it looks in public. I love her very much but need advice on how to help her.D. P., Galivants Ferry, SC

Unfortunately, as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. In her own way, her seeming indifference to your advice may be her quiet way of telling you she doesn’t think she has poor table manners. At this point your best approach may be to pass on offering such advice, model good table manners yourself, and focus on the positive qualities you do appreciate in order to enjoy being in her company.

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Q. We partner in business with many individuals who are not native to, but now either reside in or frequent the United States to finalize paperwork to import/export products native to their country. Should I greet them in a manner that would acknowledge their native country? Is there anything in particular that would qualify how I address the visitor?

L. P., Tampa, FL

A. A second grader once asked me why, if his bed time was 11:00 PM, did he have to go to bed at 10:00 PM when he visited his friend’s home. The answer was simple: When he visited his friend’s house, he was bound by the rules there, not the rules at his own home. One of the basics of etiquette is to respect the traditions of the culture you enter. A culture can be as broad as East compared to West or one country compared to another. But it also can be something as specific as the difference between two companies or even between two office locations of the same company. Therefore, in your case, when your partners come to the United States to do business with you, they should be prepared to be greeted with a handshake. That said, it’s also considerate on your part not to force a person into a situation that will be potentially difficult. For instance, in greeting a woman of the Islamic faith, even though our culture accepts a man offering his hand to a woman in greeting, you might choose to wait to extend your hand until she makes the first gesture.

The issue of addressing a person visiting you rests on the difference between being formal and being familiar. It is more respectful to use a formal means of address such as “Mr. Sousa” until told by the person you are greeting to “please call me Jorge.” Before the person arrives, call the person’s business to find out if the visitor comes from a culture where a title such as Professor is used, or if he has a degree that indicates use of a title such as Doctor. An added benefit of making the call: You can confirm the correct pronunciation of the person’s name.

Q. I have a co-worker who is extremely gassy. Management has spoken to her and even moved her around the office several times. Because it’s considered a medical condition, nothing can be done about it. She has a can of fragrant spray at her desk that she uses when she needs to but sometimes that's even worse. People avoid walking behind her or using the bathroom after her because it smells so bad. I've almost "anonymously" left articles at her desk in regards to things that can help with her problem, I'm almost tempted to quit my job because of this, but I shouldn't have to because of another co-worker’s gas problem.

Please Help!

K. M., Appleton, WI

A. When an individual’s “personal issues” negatively impact co-workers, it’s important that the situation is addressed and resolved. You mention several options. Anonymous “anythings” are generally ignored and simply cause hurt and resentment in the recipient. Besides, you wouldn’t be making her aware of anything she doesn’t already know. Her use of the spray can and the fact that she has been moved several times show she understands that her flatulence is a problem in the office. Management appears to have made an attempt to deal with the issue and may even be the reason she has the fragrance spray at her desk. Another approach is necessary.

Unfortunately, this situation has progressed beyond an etiquette issue where the advice would be to have a trusted friend talk with her. Management needs to step in and find an effective solution. Her condition is causing a problem at the office that affects productivity, potentially profits, and retention—you and possibly others are thinking about quitting. At this point the employees in the office need to let management know the seriousness of the situation. Along with your colleagues, meet with management and request that an HR person be at the meeting as well. Express your concerns about the effect this problem is having on you, on the co-worker, and the company. Management then needs to address the issue more substantively than moving the person around the office or asking her to use an air freshener.

Q. When moving into a new, small, office building that has 4 to 5 offices with around 10 employees each, should the new folks go introduce themselves, and if so, who should make the effort (office manager, receptionist, boss, or whoever wants to?). Or should those already residing there go introduce themselves to the new folks, and if so, who? Obviously in a big office building it would not be practical, but in a small building with a small number of employees, is it proper etiquette to make introductions, especially with dissimilar work and not a priority to “network?”

D. H., Knoxville, TN

A. After settling in, a quick visit to other businesses in the building by the highest ranking person in your space would be most appropriate. It will be easier for the rest of the staff to make self-introductions if your boss has already made the rounds of the building. The other employees then can meet and greet as they run into people in the halls and rest areas. It really doesn’t matter whether those businesses are potential customers or valuable network connections. It’s really simply a matter of common courtesy to introduce yourself. Remember, first impressions matter, and making introductions establishes a positive relationship with your neighbors right from the start. Everyone in your business should be reminded to make eye contact, offer a firm handshake and introduce themselves.

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Q. I sympathize with M.S. who works at a customer service counter in Gardner, Kansas and was annoyed by customers’ use of cell phones in stores. However, I would like to point a finger at service people who have similar rude behaviors toward customers:
1) retail clerks who answer a phone call and make me wait while they take down a telephone order and even hunt through stock to accommodate the person on the phone;
2) the check out clerks who keep their fingers on their cell phones, texting personal messages instead of scanning the items I am waiting to purchase.

H.B., Brookline, MA

A. I sympathize with your frustration. One time I waited patiently for a sales clerk to finish with a customer. Just as he was about to turn to me, his cell phone rang. It was a customer asking a question, and the ensuing conversation lasted for ten minutes. In essence, the clerk let the phone customer “cut the line.” When the clerk finally ended the call and turned to me, I asked him why he took the call rather than working with me. His answer: “My phone rang, I had to answer it.” So I informed him he had just lost a sale, and I was going to his competitor instead.

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Q. Is it okay to use a BlackBerry for social purposes in a class? Is it okay to leave your Bluetooth in when meeting with clients or at a company lunch?
J. P., Carmichael, CA

A. The etiquette for all electronic communication devices is based on one simple maxim: if its use is going to bother others, don’t use it; instead, turn it off. Inevitably, people want to push the envelope. The BlackBerry provides a twist that some people believe exempts them from the rule. They understand that not using it as a phone when in a class or a house of worship or a meeting or even in a restaurant, makes sense. But what about texting, checking email, or surfing the Internet? After all, they don’t involve your voice, and therefore these actions aren’t bothering other people, so what’s the harm? The problem is that even though they are silent, they can still distract others. For instance, in a meeting, when the user’s focus is on the device, it’s not on what’s going on at the meeting. From the presenter’s perspective, he sees people with their heads down and their thumbs flying across the miniature keyboard; it’s distracting at best. The same result occurs in a class: when other students see a person using the device, they are distracted, and the teacher may lose his/her train of thought. In a restaurant, even if it doesn’t bother the other patrons, focusing on a PDA says to the person you are with that whomever you’re interacting with on the PDA is more important—that’s not a good message to send to the person you are with face-to-face.

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Q. Our Foundation sends a lot of formal and informal information to physician (MD) graduates. Discussion occurs regularly about the correct way to address formal invitations to a function versus informal mailings of brochures, etc. We want to include spouses on the formal invitations, so what do you suggest to be the correct way to address these invitations? Where and when should we use the spouse’s first name?B. P., Albany, NY

A. For a formal social event, the invitation envelope should be addressed to Dr. and Mrs. John Smith. However, if the doctor is female, then the correct address is: Dr. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith. Her name comes first because her professional title “out ranks” his social title. If you wish to use the spouse’s first name, write: Dr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Smith. If the spouse kept her maiden name, write: Dr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Jones.

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Q. What advice do you have for handling difficult volunteers? You may think I'd be happy to have "too much help," but I've found a few who want to take over, take control, and cannot take direction. It gets to the point that I don't want that personality to volunteer at all, because even if I’m specific and match talents, they cannot stay within the scope. I can even easily give up "all the credit," but how do I rein in "too much" help, even though I'm the recognized "boss" but everyone is a volunteer?
L. F., Watertown, MA

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How do you deal with not-so-nice comments, told in a joking manner, about a coworker who is not so popular or well liked, or any coworker in general when they are not present?

Also, what do you do if you have been working with someone for a few years and during that time you gave them gifts/cards during the holidays (e.g. Christmas), and then when they leave the job you find out they left the gifts/cards behind. Is it appropriate to take them back and, if you maintain contact, is it appropriate to bring up the subject about the gifts you gave?

M. M., Oakland, CA

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Q. I belong to several online groups. Recently, I started getting inundated with posts about an upcoming seminar. A common member of most of the groups I belong to started sending out dozens of postings to each group about his upcoming event. I felt this was in poor taste but he said that is what these groups are for. Am I correct that there is proper etiquette for these online groups? What are they, and how can I apply them to the groups I administrate?
D. P., Fairport, NY

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Q. As part of the search for a new position, I’ve had to travel to prospective employers for interviews. In the last two months I had one interview that was 208 miles from home — which cost me a total of $117.10, including tolls. I asked for reimbursement from the Human Resources person the day after the interview. The other interview was 244 miles, totaling $135.20. On this occasion I asked my potential manager who to contact for reimbursement. After numerous attempts, I finally gave up on trying to be reimbursed per customary business travel expense practices. Was I correct in asking for travel expenses? Was my timing correct? I am currently out of work so the reimbursement would be helpful.
A. G., Methuen, MA

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Q. What is really business casual?
When are sandals and sleeveless dresses or blouses acceptable in the workplace?
How do you handle a co-worker who continues to stare at you after you have answered their question as if you are going to say something else?

S. D., Cary, NC

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Q. When thanking several people for something on a written document, what is the correct way to list their names? Who should go first, second, third, etc.?

A.First, I applaud you for being smart enough to write any kind of document that includes a thank you. In the worlds of job search and business, the thank yous are too often forgotten. In offices where thank you cards, letters, and even emails are received, reactions are very consistent. When people get a thank you in writing - especially one they did not expect, they pass them around, mention how thoughtful someone was and reinforce everything about that person in a positive way. This helps you if you are a candidate for a job, and if you are already a member of the organization.

If you are sending thank you letters (or emails) after an interview, I suggest you send each participant his or her own letter. Though these letters will have common language, they should not be identical. You want to be able to say something that relates to the conversation you had, and acknowledge that persons contribution to the process. Were they especially knowledgeable about a topic of mutual interest? Did they have insightful answers to some of your questions? Remember these letters will most likely be compared, so stay equally positive, professional, and take the opportunity to reinforce why you have a significant interest in the role, the team, the company, and the success you would bring.

You may want to mention someone you had only a brief interaction with, and may not warrant a letter of his or her own (although there is no harm here), and in that situation, you can add a line saying "Please express my appreciation to Scott - his coordination of the logistics of our meetings was masterful.”

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Q. My female boss has suggested that we share a hotel room at a multiple-day conference we’ll be attending together. Although I’m also female, I’m uncomfortable with this because I don’t particularly care for her on a personal level and get quite tired of being around her during a regular work day. The conference will involve 12-hour days. I’ll need my personal space at the end of the day to recharge and do my best the next day. I don't know how to approach this issue with her in a way that will preserve our working relationship. I was thinking about proposing to pay half the cost of my own room as one alternative. Other suggestions?

S. M. W., Denver, CO

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Q. How do you tell someone to please cover their mouth when coughing or sneezing? This is a co-worker that sits right next to me, and I don’t know how to tell her.C. V., Carrollton, TX

A. Engaging in a conversation which includes criticizing another person’s behavior is difficult. The goal is to correct the behavior and not to insult the person at the same time. One option is to address the situation when it happens. Right after she sneezes, say to her, “Loretta, I know it can be difficult, especially when a sneeze comes on suddenly, but would you please try to cover up? I’ve already had a cold once this year, and it would be really difficult for me to be sick again.” While this approach addresses the situation head-on, criticizing a person while a behavior is occurring can trigger an aggressive response. Suddenly, instead of the interaction being about her sneezing, it’s about you criticizing her. It’s even more problematic if your criticism embarrassed her in front of other people. Then, her back may go right up against the wall, and she won’t listen to a word you have to say.

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Q. I have a question about how to address supervisors. I address my supervisor by his title, Dr., and last name. Recently, he began signing e-mails between us with his first name. Does this mean that it’s now appropriate for me to call him by his first name in person or when addressing him in an e-mail? I have noticed a few colleagues using his first name in conversations.
H. H., Natick, MA

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Q. I'm an assistant and my employer invited me to lunch for Administrative Professionals' Day. I work alongside two others who are technically in another department. They were not included in the lunch invitation. The vice president of their department works from another office on the opposite coast.

Should I have declined the offer, and, instead, asked that they be included?
R. B., Lancaster, CA

A. You were right to go to lunch with your boss. His offer was honoring you in recognition of the day and your efforts to support him throughout the year.

You should not have declined and then said, “But if you want to take Marge and Jane along with me because their boss is across the country, then I’d be happy to go to lunch.” Now you are dictating the conditions under which you’re willing to have lunch and not giving your boss the choice of whether to invite them while still honoring you. In the end run, it turns a nice invitation into a negotiation and hurts your relationship with him.

It’s unfortunate for the other two assistants that their boss works in another location, but that’s a reality of their job. It’s not your position to negotiate on their behalf or attempt to correct a missed opportunity on their boss’s behalf.

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Q. I work at a customer service counter in City Hall. We often have customers who, when I’m assisting them, will answer a cell phone call and bring the entire process to a halt. What is the best way to deal with this situation?

M. S., Gardner, KS

A. Recently, at a press briefing, President Obama’s press secretary, took a cell phone away from a reporter who answered a call during the briefing. Hats off to Mr. Gibbs.

Unfortunately, in your case, taking away the person’s cell phone is not the answer. The best solution is a policy prohibiting cell phone use in your department. With such a policy, you can ask the person to end the call immediately.

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Q. What would be the best way to solve this issue: a colleague in the cubicle next to mine passes gas all the time?C. P., San Ramón, CA

A. You have two choices: live with it or talk to him. Which is best is really up to you. Unfortunately, approaching co-workers about personal issues is difficult, even for a friend. If you aren’t a friend who has his trust and respect, it will be difficult to have a successful conversation, so you may have to talk with someone who is that friend or your manager about how to proceed. If you are that friend, it’s very important not to display an accusatory attitude that implies he’s doing this intentionally to annoy you. Instead, if you talk to him, base your conversation on your concern for him as a person and his success as a colleague. Do it with the goal of improving the situation and, hopefully, building rather than hurting your relationship with him.

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Q. I work with someone whom I dislike intensely because of his work ethics and attitude. I don’t socialize with him and pretty much ignore him unless it is work-related. He is lazy and always finds ways to argue himself out of work or the possibility of having to work any harder than he has to. Others in my office feel the same way, but for some reason he is still here.

We’ve had one serious "altercation." I emailed both the director of my department and my manager about his lazy work ethics and how he is not a team-player. I offered to resign. My bosses were very sympathetic and apologized for his behavior, but in a round-about way, suggested that I just ignore him.

Now it has happened again. Do I send another email to my bosses or just forget it or resign? I don't want to be a whiner but this person's work attitude stinks. How do I deal with someone like this without having my blood pressure hit the roof every time I hear his voice?
K. C., Ellsworth, ME

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Q. I am a new author and want to make a great impression at book signings. How do I politely continue to pay attention to everyone around me when I have one individual who wants to monopolize the time I have for everyone?
A. S., Lafayette LA

A. It can get hectic at a signing and staying focused is key. Give your full attention to each person as they approach the table. Ask to whom they want you to sign the book and what the spelling of the name is. Even a name as simple as “John” can be spelled “Jon.”

If the person tries to strike up a conversation or monopolize your time, not only is it appropriate to end the conversation, it’s the considerate action to respect the other people who have come to meet you and have their books signed. You can be direct without being rude by saying, “I’ve enjoyed talking with you but, I should keep signing books for the other people who have come here today. Thank you so much for stopping by.” And then turn to and greet the next person.

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Q. A co-worker came to work today with a tick buried under the skin of his
hand, for which he had not sought medical assistance. Instead, he came to work and asked another coworker to use a pocket knife and help him cut it out. This took place in front of two other co-workers who appeared amused and offered advice in this surgical procedure. Collectively these four individuals finally decided that they were in over
their heads and advised the infected co-worker to finally seek a doctor.

Tell me, am I delusional in thinking these people were out of line?

R. O., Methuen, MA

A. Yes, R. O., they were out of line. First and foremost, they risked causing serious harm to the tick bitten co-worker. The risk of infection from the tick itself as well as from the knife is both real and dangerous. In addition, if the tick carried Lyme or other tick-born diseases, the long–term health consequences could be very serious. Obviously, your co-worker used poor judgment when he failed to seek medical assistance in the first place.

From the etiquette point of view, performing the “operation” in public showed a complete lack of awareness of the sensibilities of others. Any potentially “gross” activity should be taken care of in private. From the business point of view, the disruption it caused distracted other workers from their primary task—getting their work done—not to mention putting the business itself at risk as the “operation” was carried out while on the job.

Q. When writing an e-mail to a group of people, should names always be listed alphabetically or by hierarchy. Often after the first couple of "ranked" people, the remainder of the addressees are peers. In that case should I first list the president, then vice president, and then all the subordinates in alpha order?

Am I making this a bigger deal than is necessary?

C.W. Needham, MA

A. It’s a good idea to take care both with the “rank” and the spelling of people’s names. The hybrid of listing “ranked people” first followed by peers in alphabetical order makes the most sense.

Q. What is the proper way to say "thank you" versus just "thanks" with an exclamation mark at the end, which by the way comes across as rude to me. Am I too old fashioned?

S. T., Anaheim, CA

A. It’s not so much a matter of being “old fashioned” as it is a sensitivity to recognizing that “thanks,” while it can be very sincere, is a very casual way of expressing appreciation. Therefore, “thanks” should be used in a more informal setting with people who are your peers or close to you. For instance, if you’re writing an email to a colleague or friend and ask for some information or make a simple request, “thanks” would be an appropriate close. Alternatively, if you are making a request of a person higher up at your place of business or a prospect or client, then ‘thank you” would be both more formal and appropriate.

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Q. I work in a shared office with six employees. Each day some office personnel have lengthy work and even non-work conversations in our cubicle area. People in nearby cubicles are distracted by the conversations. I believe the work environment should be friendly but these are long distracting conversations. How do I get the point across without hurting feelings or creating an unhappy non-cooperative work environment?
D. R., Troutdale Oregon

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Q. As the new administrator for a small office, I also handle all receptionist duties. Several of my boss’s colleagues occasionally drop in without an appointment and literally walk past me to head into his office. I believe he has created this environment by not setting boundaries initially. My boss, not being one for confrontation, would like me to intercept visitors. How do I stop them without being rude and set boundaries from this point forward?
C. S., Atlanta, GA.

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Q. I would like your perspective on what I perceive to be a frustrating trend: job applicants showing up too early for interviews. When I have interviewed for positions, I’ve made it a point to arrive about 5-10 minutes before the scheduled time. If I arrive earlier to ensure I’m not late, I make it a point not to enter the facility until the 5-10 minute window.

In my current position, I’m often required to interview candidates and have noticed they’re showing up earlier and earlier. Often I get a call from the reception desk that my candidate has arrived as much as 30 minutes ahead of the appointment. I often have a full calendar and cannot take time out to go and greet them, even though it makes me feel uncomfortable keeping somebody waiting idly in reception.

H.S., Mansfield, MA

A: My number one piece of advice for job seekers, and perhaps the most important, is to be on time: not too early and not too late. Being late, even just a couple of minutes late, is a sure fire way not to get the job. You’re starting off on the wrong foot, and you’re making the interviewer wonder if that’s the way you’ll treat clients, prospects, and fellow employees.

Being on time also means not arriving too early. Not only does it create an awkward situation for the interviewer, who feels responsible for your comfort during the wait time, it also can create difficulty for other interviewees, who may not want to be seen interviewing. Often, interviews are staggered so that candidates don’t meet in the waiting area.

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