Q. I started a new job 6 months ago, and I suspect that I rub one of my new coworkers the wrong way. I can see and feel the difference between his interactions with me and our other three immediate colleagues - how friendly he is, his tone of voice, how supportive he is of my ideas vs. negative reactions. I am mature enough to know that not everyone will like me, but I still feel a resentful about it and I find it affecting what I think about him and how much I want to interact with him.

He is younger than I am by 10 years or so, and I suspect some of his actions and inability to mask his feelings about me reflect his relatively young age. Our director is aware of some tension between us (she brought it up with me after an email response of his).

I've never had to deal with this before, and I am wondering if it would be appropriate to have a conversation with him about this: "I get the sense that I might rub you the wrong way and I wonder if there might be a misunderstanding between us or if there are things I could do to make working with me easier."

I'm not certain if I could gain anything if I went this route. I don't expect to be his best friend, but I'd like more camaraderie between us. I also wonder if my desire to talk with him is more of a petty nature - that I want him to just know that I know he doesn't like me. So what's the appropriate next step?

A. Relationships at work are at least as complicated as those in your private life, and often more so because of the amount of time you spend with these people, reporting relationships, or perhaps the dependence you may have on each other to do your job well. When these relationships work, people enjoy each other, most often their work product and productivity exceed expectations, and retention is another corporate side benefit.

When the relationships don't work, they can range from annoyance to dislike to avoidance and worse. Organizations do well to make sure any kind of hostility is recognized as totally unacceptable and not allowed to escalate.

Q. How do you respond to an employee who you supervise who is unresponsive and ill-mannered, after many attempts to correct the issues?

T. K, Antioch, CA

A. The short answer would seem to be: “You fire the employee.” The issue is no longer about the behavior; it’s about the refusal to correct a behavior. As the supervisor, it’s your job to make sure each employee knows the expectations your company has for behavior, and it’s the employees’ responsibility to meet them. Otherwise, it can negatively affect morale when one employee is perceived to be exempt from having to comply with company standards.

Before doing anything so drastic as firing an employee, you need to let the employee know both verbally and, better yet, in writing what these expectations are and specifically what the employee is doing that isn’t consistent with those expectations. And that may be the crux of the matter for you: Are you, in fact, being explicit with the employee? What form have your attempts to correct the issue taken? If you haven’t really been clear the employee may not have “heard” you. If you beat around the bush, trying to be “polite,” your message could be ambiguous.

Q. I have a co-worker with whom I've started to develop a social relationship outside of work. Around other people, she’s supportive, and never says anything negative. Yet, when we get together for lunch, she’ll make unflattering comments to the effect that I “don't make much money,” that my efforts to volunteer as a mediator are useless because “attorneys and judges outrank me,” and that my therapist takes personal phone calls during sessions because “she's using her status over me” not because she's rude or unprofessional.

I’ve taken her previous comments in stride, but I’d like to let her know that it seems as if she's the one who thinks people have the one-up on me, including herself. What's a polite way of saying this without damaging our work relationship?

Anonymous

A. As you’ve discovered, the woman who is supportive at work is taking an aggressive, superior stance in her role as your new friend. While she may see herself as some kind of mentor, she’s critical without giving any real advice. The relationships we have at work don’t always translate into good social ones. Sharing too much personal information with work associates can put you at a disadvantage and impact you both personally and professionally. While you’ve taken the opportunity to get to know this woman better, there seems to be no benefit, especially to your self-esteem, in taking it further.

The question last week raised the broader issue of planning holiday parties. While many companies may be downsizing their holiday event, that doesn’t mean that any less care should be taken with planning the party. In fact, given the economic necessities of tighter belts and having to do more with less—all stress inducers at the workplace—hosting a holiday party is one way a company can give back to the employees, even if that party is down-sized itself. As that season is fast approaching, consider the following advice for successfully planning your company’s holiday party:

Pre-planning: Start now to line up a date for the event. If it will be off-site and you haven’t done so already, this week check to see if the facility can accommodate you on your preferred date. Be ready with a couple of optional dates if your first choice isn’t available.

Q: A 23 yr. old professional employee just walked off the job because I refused to allow her the use of sick leave to go for a pre-employment physical for a new job. Our HR dept. advised she should use personal, comp or vacation time. She was so angry she walked out and then I got a nasty phone call from her mother! Her mother had also called my superior. Can you comment on this?

A: If I understand the situation accurately, she resigned without notice because she wanted to use sick leave for a pre-employment physical for another job? I am assuming the other job is with another company and not an internal transfer or a new role with a different division or business unit of your company. I agree with your HR team that she should be required to use personal, compensation or vacation time. Even that, I think is extremely generous and professional. Some employers would have said, “Thanks for asking. Now you can clear out your desk and your cubicle. Here is your final paycheck. You have all the time needed to schedule your pre-employment physical.”

Q: Holiday parties for employees always bring out challenges, but I may have one this year that takes it to a higher level. Our company with approximately 200 employees always hosts a nice Friday or Saturday holiday evening dinner with dancing, etc. in December. Everyone is invited to bring a spouse or guest. It's been well-attended, with few issues of any magnitude over the years.

This past summer, a male employee was involved in sexual relationships with several women in the company. He resigned quickly, and it seems that people have pretty much moved on. One woman in the office remains in a relationship with him and has voiced intentions to bring him to our party. This seems like a bad idea because employees he either had an affair with or attempted to date will be at the party, some with their significant others.
Should the company "ban" him?
B. B., North Chatham, MA

A: Would it be simpler if the Lothorio doesn’t attend the holiday party? Absolutely. Unfortunately, in this situation, unless there is a legal reason which is beyond the purview of etiquette, banning this individual is not the answer. The current policy is clean and simple: employees can bring a guest. The problem is once you start banning people for one reason, what’s to stop people from wanting to ban someone else for another reason? If an employee’s significant other is a loud-mouthed braggart who becomes the center of attention, it’s still not acceptable to call the employee aside and tell her she can’t bring him. It’s a slippery slope that should be avoided.

Q: I just learned that the project I'm managing/working on is being transferred to someone else at another location and the 2 people who work for me will be reporting to this person also. I'll be working on legacy products. All of this was decided without any input from me. Should I take this up with HR?

A: It sounds like this was a rather quick decision. Without knowing the full and complete sequence of events and reasoning behind the decision, it is difficult for me to draw any specific conclusions around the quality of the decision. There may be valid reasons why this decision was made. In the ideal environment, I agree with your viewpoint though. It is preferred that a manager is involved in decisions which impact their direct reports, workload and projects. A manager involved in such a decision can provide important input to ensure a smoother and more efficient transition.

Q. Is it appropriate for a supervisor who is a grandmother-to-be to send around a list asking if any of her employees are interested in attending her daughter's baby shower? None of the employees really know the mother-to-be, aside from hearing about the pregnancy and seeing her photos in the supervisor's office.
C. K., Mays Landing, NJ

A. No, it’s not appropriate for this supervisor, who is a grandmother, to send a list around asking if anyone is interested in attending her granddaughter’s baby shower. It would be one thing if there were staff members who were also friends of the daughter, but that’s clearly not the case here. The supervisor is creating a doubly awkward situation for the employees. First, no one should ever be asked if they’d like to sign up for an invitation. Second, do employees say “No” and risk hurting their supervisor’s feelings, or do they say “Yes” and feel trapped into accepting, attending, and buying a gift for the event? It’s a lose-lose situation.

Q. I am originally from California where revolving doors are a rarity. Now that I live in Chicago, I encounter them all the time. What is the proper protocol for who goes first? Does a man proceed before a woman to get the door moving, or does he always allow the woman to go first?

E. M., Chicago, IL

A. The old advice about revolving doors was that the man chivalrously stepped forward and went first to get the heavy door moving. In this day and age of electric-assisted everything, most revolving doors are already moving slowly and barely need a touch to make them move or glide easily. Therefore, the implication that the man entered first because the woman needed help getting it moving no longer applies. Typically, today, as a man and woman approach a revolving door, the person who gets to the door first steps in and gets it going. Especially at crowded rush hour times, there are too many people trying to get through the door for men to step aside so women can go first.

Q: Is it appropriate to send a thank you note after a telephone interview?

A: It is not only appropriate to send a message of thanks after a telephone interview, but a must if you are a job seeker. Often times, it might be better to email a quick note of thanks because speed may be critical at this early stage of the interview process. If the company is a more formal firm (e.g., a law office), you may want to email a note of thanks and then follow up with a typed thank you note on high quality, professional paper.

Q. In a business setting, is it correct to address a co-worker as “he” or “she” while in a group or meeting, or is it proper etiquette to address them by their first name?
L. S., Avon, CT

A. Imagine the following scene. You and your boss enter a room to meet and engage with a new client. After introductions, your boss and the client talk, and as they do so, they begin referring to you as “she.” “Marge is the point person on this project. She’ll make sure everything is on time. If you need anything she’ll get it for you. She’s…” You begin to feel invisible. Because they’re referring to you as “she,” you no longer feel you’re part of the conversation. Why? Because “he” and “she” are third person forms of address. They’re used to refer to someone else—a person not in a room or the immediate vicinity or a person who is clearly not part of a conversation.

Q. My manager will not give me any work to do, but puts on my reviews that I need to learn all aspects of my position. My manager works from home several days a week and tells me she needs the work to get all her hours, but even when she is in the office, she does the work that I am supposed to be doing. What should I do?

A. Wanting the opportunity to perform your job is an admiral goal, and one you share with others. The Job Doc has had many questions similar to yours, so you are not alone in this difficult situation. The world of work is complicated by the challenges employees, supervisors and managers face, especially when there seem to be conflicting needs.

Q: I am an executive assistant to a VP and I share a very small office with the assistant to another VP, the space was workable for a while with two assistants in here but then other woman left and I got a new office mate. She has some new habits that I have to get used to, but she eats hard boiled eggs and the smell makes me gag, how to I overcome this? Can I do anything about it? I love my job in every other possible way. But I can't live with this office mate.

A: First, congratulations on loving your job in almost every way. There are some of us who really and truly love what we do. How very lucky we are.

You have to seize the moment and nip this in the bud while your colleague is still relatively new! It is easier to discuss and then set ground rules early on.

I have a close, adult family member who doesn’t have very good table manners. I’ve tried nicely to offer advice but it doesn't seem to sink in. I’ve tried to convey how it looks to others, not trying to embarrass her but to hopefully make her aware how it looks in public. I love her very much but need advice on how to help her.D. P., Galivants Ferry, SC

Unfortunately, as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. In her own way, her seeming indifference to your advice may be her quiet way of telling you she doesn’t think she has poor table manners. At this point your best approach may be to pass on offering such advice, model good table manners yourself, and focus on the positive qualities you do appreciate in order to enjoy being in her company.

Q. We partner in business with many individuals who are not native to, but now either reside in or frequent the United States to finalize paperwork to import/export products native to their country. Should I greet them in a manner that would acknowledge their native country? Is there anything in particular that would qualify how I address the visitor?

L. P., Tampa, FL

A. A second grader once asked me why, if his bed time was 11:00 PM, did he have to go to bed at 10:00 PM when he visited his friend’s home. The answer was simple: When he visited his friend’s house, he was bound by the rules there, not the rules at his own home. One of the basics of etiquette is to respect the traditions of the culture you enter. A culture can be as broad as East compared to West or one country compared to another. But it also can be something as specific as the difference between two companies or even between two office locations of the same company. Therefore, in your case, when your partners come to the United States to do business with you, they should be prepared to be greeted with a handshake. That said, it’s also considerate on your part not to force a person into a situation that will be potentially difficult. For instance, in greeting a woman of the Islamic faith, even though our culture accepts a man offering his hand to a woman in greeting, you might choose to wait to extend your hand until she makes the first gesture.

The issue of addressing a person visiting you rests on the difference between being formal and being familiar. It is more respectful to use a formal means of address such as “Mr. Sousa” until told by the person you are greeting to “please call me Jorge.” Before the person arrives, call the person’s business to find out if the visitor comes from a culture where a title such as Professor is used, or if he has a degree that indicates use of a title such as Doctor. An added benefit of making the call: You can confirm the correct pronunciation of the person’s name.

Q: I work in the financial industry, in a department recently hit with layoffs. My manager has been off for extended periods of time (2-4 months) four times over the past year and a half. These absences are not explained as sick time or vacation. We are not supposed to talk about it. Who we report to changes on a weekly basis during her absences, which gets confusing.

I understand people go through hard times and deserve a break, but I feel upper management has put us in a very chaotic situation and it is unfair to us to have to work in this atmosphere of secrecy and uncertainty. Her manager lets this continue and I feel I cannot speak to her directly about this without repercussions. Should I go to HR anonymously for counseling, or just try to put up with it? I am at the point I do not know to deal with it and I feel very stressed and upset at work.

Q. I have a co-worker who is extremely gassy. Management has spoken to her and even moved her around the office several times. Because it’s considered a medical condition, nothing can be done about it. She has a can of fragrant spray at her desk that she uses when she needs to but sometimes that's even worse. People avoid walking behind her or using the bathroom after her because it smells so bad. I've almost "anonymously" left articles at her desk in regards to things that can help with her problem, I'm almost tempted to quit my job because of this, but I shouldn't have to because of another co-worker’s gas problem.

Please Help!

K. M., Appleton, WI

A. When an individual’s “personal issues” negatively impact co-workers, it’s important that the situation is addressed and resolved. You mention several options. Anonymous “anythings” are generally ignored and simply cause hurt and resentment in the recipient. Besides, you wouldn’t be making her aware of anything she doesn’t already know. Her use of the spray can and the fact that she has been moved several times show she understands that her flatulence is a problem in the office. Management appears to have made an attempt to deal with the issue and may even be the reason she has the fragrance spray at her desk. Another approach is necessary.

Unfortunately, this situation has progressed beyond an etiquette issue where the advice would be to have a trusted friend talk with her. Management needs to step in and find an effective solution. Her condition is causing a problem at the office that affects productivity, potentially profits, and retention—you and possibly others are thinking about quitting. At this point the employees in the office need to let management know the seriousness of the situation. Along with your colleagues, meet with management and request that an HR person be at the meeting as well. Express your concerns about the effect this problem is having on you, on the co-worker, and the company. Management then needs to address the issue more substantively than moving the person around the office or asking her to use an air freshener.

Q. When moving into a new, small, office building that has 4 to 5 offices with around 10 employees each, should the new folks go introduce themselves, and if so, who should make the effort (office manager, receptionist, boss, or whoever wants to?). Or should those already residing there go introduce themselves to the new folks, and if so, who? Obviously in a big office building it would not be practical, but in a small building with a small number of employees, is it proper etiquette to make introductions, especially with dissimilar work and not a priority to “network?”

D. H., Knoxville, TN

A. After settling in, a quick visit to other businesses in the building by the highest ranking person in your space would be most appropriate. It will be easier for the rest of the staff to make self-introductions if your boss has already made the rounds of the building. The other employees then can meet and greet as they run into people in the halls and rest areas. It really doesn’t matter whether those businesses are potential customers or valuable network connections. It’s really simply a matter of common courtesy to introduce yourself. Remember, first impressions matter, and making introductions establishes a positive relationship with your neighbors right from the start. Everyone in your business should be reminded to make eye contact, offer a firm handshake and introduce themselves.

Q: It seems like my colleagues spend more time instant messaging or texting friends than they do doing work. I will do so occasionally but only once my work is squared away or as part of my lunch break. I'd rather not have my bosses be alerted to this activity for fear of them instilling a ban in an office that has few perks. But how can I get my co-workers to chat less and work more?

A: You are right to be concerned. I recently had a client approach me about this very same issue.

Our client recently hired a college graduate. The client thought the new hire would be grateful especially as she was hired in a very difficult economic environment. The client expected a very productive and focused work ethic. Unfortunately, within a very short time frame, the supervisor noticed that the new employee’s computer screen was often on social websites and that the new employee was spending a lot of time texting and not focusing on her work. It is not a positive situation. This client had several candidates in the final round of interviews and the hiring manager is second guessing her decision. As a new hire, employers may NOT spell this out but they are evaluating you and your work habits. Knowing that, do your best new hires! Focus on your work. Limit your time on social websites and on personal business. Save that for your lunch break or after work.

Q: My question is how does one handle seeing constant abuse of a fellow co-worker by her supervisor. The managers just turn a cheek and it is out of control. Don't say I should ignore it, because that is not an option. There are union reps here who are aware of the situation and do nothing. This is going to have a detrimental effect on this woman who is being abused and on the workplace environment.

A: This situation seems very upseting. Unfortunately, an employee can feel trapped in an abusive situation like this, especially in a difficult economy. I commend you for asking the question on behalf of your co-worker. I would never suggest that you ignore it, especially if it is abusive. I agree with you that often fellow colleagues are negatively affected by seeing someone mistreated in the workplace. Some questions and suggestions:

Q. Is it okay to use a BlackBerry for social purposes in a class? Is it okay to leave your Bluetooth in when meeting with clients or at a company lunch?
J. P., Carmichael, CA

A. The etiquette for all electronic communication devices is based on one simple maxim: if its use is going to bother others, don’t use it; instead, turn it off. Inevitably, people want to push the envelope. The BlackBerry provides a twist that some people believe exempts them from the rule. They understand that not using it as a phone when in a class or a house of worship or a meeting or even in a restaurant, makes sense. But what about texting, checking email, or surfing the Internet? After all, they don’t involve your voice, and therefore these actions aren’t bothering other people, so what’s the harm? The problem is that even though they are silent, they can still distract others. For instance, in a meeting, when the user’s focus is on the device, it’s not on what’s going on at the meeting. From the presenter’s perspective, he sees people with their heads down and their thumbs flying across the miniature keyboard; it’s distracting at best. The same result occurs in a class: when other students see a person using the device, they are distracted, and the teacher may lose his/her train of thought. In a restaurant, even if it doesn’t bother the other patrons, focusing on a PDA says to the person you are with that whomever you’re interacting with on the PDA is more important—that’s not a good message to send to the person you are with face-to-face.

Q. Our Foundation sends a lot of formal and informal information to physician (MD) graduates. Discussion occurs regularly about the correct way to address formal invitations to a function versus informal mailings of brochures, etc. We want to include spouses on the formal invitations, so what do you suggest to be the correct way to address these invitations? Where and when should we use the spouse’s first name?B. P., Albany, NY

A. For a formal social event, the invitation envelope should be addressed to Dr. and Mrs. John Smith. However, if the doctor is female, then the correct address is: Dr. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith. Her name comes first because her professional title “out ranks” his social title. If you wish to use the spouse’s first name, write: Dr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Smith. If the spouse kept her maiden name, write: Dr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Jones.

Q: I work with someone who constantly talks about herself, her kids, and husband on a daily basis. She can easily take any conversation and rework it so that it relates to her. I love hearing about other people's families, but when it is about how great and perfect they are, it becomes overwhelming.

How can we politely tell her that we enjoy hearing stories on occasion, but not everyday? Furthermore, how can we suggest that people don't want to listen about how perfect she thinks her life is?

Q. What advice do you have for handling difficult volunteers? You may think I'd be happy to have "too much help," but I've found a few who want to take over, take control, and cannot take direction. It gets to the point that I don't want that personality to volunteer at all, because even if I’m specific and match talents, they cannot stay within the scope. I can even easily give up "all the credit," but how do I rein in "too much" help, even though I'm the recognized "boss" but everyone is a volunteer?
L. F., Watertown, MA

How do you deal with not-so-nice comments, told in a joking manner, about a coworker who is not so popular or well liked, or any coworker in general when they are not present?

Also, what do you do if you have been working with someone for a few years and during that time you gave them gifts/cards during the holidays (e.g. Christmas), and then when they leave the job you find out they left the gifts/cards behind. Is it appropriate to take them back and, if you maintain contact, is it appropriate to bring up the subject about the gifts you gave?

M. M., Oakland, CA

Q. What is really business casual?
When are sandals and sleeveless dresses or blouses acceptable in the workplace?
How do you handle a co-worker who continues to stare at you after you have answered their question as if you are going to say something else?

S. D., Cary, NC

Q. My female boss has suggested that we share a hotel room at a multiple-day conference we’ll be attending together. Although I’m also female, I’m uncomfortable with this because I don’t particularly care for her on a personal level and get quite tired of being around her during a regular work day. The conference will involve 12-hour days. I’ll need my personal space at the end of the day to recharge and do my best the next day. I don't know how to approach this issue with her in a way that will preserve our working relationship. I was thinking about proposing to pay half the cost of my own room as one alternative. Other suggestions?

S. M. W., Denver, CO

Q. How do you tell someone to please cover their mouth when coughing or sneezing? This is a co-worker that sits right next to me, and I don’t know how to tell her.C. V., Carrollton, TX

A. Engaging in a conversation which includes criticizing another person’s behavior is difficult. The goal is to correct the behavior and not to insult the person at the same time. One option is to address the situation when it happens. Right after she sneezes, say to her, “Loretta, I know it can be difficult, especially when a sneeze comes on suddenly, but would you please try to cover up? I’ve already had a cold once this year, and it would be really difficult for me to be sick again.” While this approach addresses the situation head-on, criticizing a person while a behavior is occurring can trigger an aggressive response. Suddenly, instead of the interaction being about her sneezing, it’s about you criticizing her. It’s even more problematic if your criticism embarrassed her in front of other people. Then, her back may go right up against the wall, and she won’t listen to a word you have to say.

Q. I have worked for a small pharmaceutical distributor for 8 years. We hired a guy almost 4 years ago in the same job I have. He is 30 minutes to one hour hour late at least two or three times a week, and still gets full pay. He sits at his desk for the majority of the morning & does not start working on his orders until noon, whereas I have all the same distribution work completed by 11 am. I’ve discussed this with my supervisor and office manager and the response I got was the orders were getting done. Help.

Q. I have a question about how to address supervisors. I address my supervisor by his title, Dr., and last name. Recently, he began signing e-mails between us with his first name. Does this mean that it’s now appropriate for me to call him by his first name in person or when addressing him in an e-mail? I have noticed a few colleagues using his first name in conversations.
H. H., Natick, MA

Q. I'm an assistant and my employer invited me to lunch for Administrative Professionals' Day. I work alongside two others who are technically in another department. They were not included in the lunch invitation. The vice president of their department works from another office on the opposite coast.

A. You were right to go to lunch with your boss. His offer was honoring you in recognition of the day and your efforts to support him throughout the year.

You should not have declined and then said, “But if you want to take Marge and Jane along with me because their boss is across the country, then I’d be happy to go to lunch.” Now you are dictating the conditions under which you’re willing to have lunch and not giving your boss the choice of whether to invite them while still honoring you. In the end run, it turns a nice invitation into a negotiation and hurts your relationship with him.

It’s unfortunate for the other two assistants that their boss works in another location, but that’s a reality of their job. It’s not your position to negotiate on their behalf or attempt to correct a missed opportunity on their boss’s behalf.

Q. I work at a customer service counter in City Hall. We often have customers who, when I’m assisting them, will answer a cell phone call and bring the entire process to a halt. What is the best way to deal with this situation?

M. S., Gardner, KS

A. Recently, at a press briefing, President Obama’s press secretary, took a cell phone away from a reporter who answered a call during the briefing. Hats off to Mr. Gibbs.

Unfortunately, in your case, taking away the person’s cell phone is not the answer. The best solution is a policy prohibiting cell phone use in your department. With such a policy, you can ask the person to end the call immediately.

Q: As an employee at-will, I had a doctor's note for a recent early leave from work. I was written up as being absent. I left work to go to the doctor's, where he said to go home, not back to work, and not go to work the next day. Is this legal? I've been with the company less than 6 months, and they told me that no matter what the reason, it's still not at work, so a doctor's note doesn’t matter. Can you help me to clarify this?

Q. What would be the best way to solve this issue: a colleague in the cubicle next to mine passes gas all the time?C. P., San Ramón, CA

A. You have two choices: live with it or talk to him. Which is best is really up to you. Unfortunately, approaching co-workers about personal issues is difficult, even for a friend. If you aren’t a friend who has his trust and respect, it will be difficult to have a successful conversation, so you may have to talk with someone who is that friend or your manager about how to proceed. If you are that friend, it’s very important not to display an accusatory attitude that implies he’s doing this intentionally to annoy you. Instead, if you talk to him, base your conversation on your concern for him as a person and his success as a colleague. Do it with the goal of improving the situation and, hopefully, building rather than hurting your relationship with him.

Q. I work with someone whom I dislike intensely because of his work ethics and attitude. I don’t socialize with him and pretty much ignore him unless it is work-related. He is lazy and always finds ways to argue himself out of work or the possibility of having to work any harder than he has to. Others in my office feel the same way, but for some reason he is still here.

Now it has happened again. Do I send another email to my bosses or just forget it or resign? I don't want to be a whiner but this person's work attitude stinks. How do I deal with someone like this without having my blood pressure hit the roof every time I hear his voice?
K. C., Ellsworth, ME

Q. I am a new author and want to make a great impression at book signings. How do I politely continue to pay attention to everyone around me when I have one individual who wants to monopolize the time I have for everyone?
A. S., Lafayette LA

A. It can get hectic at a signing and staying focused is key. Give your full attention to each person as they approach the table. Ask to whom they want you to sign the book and what the spelling of the name is. Even a name as simple as “John” can be spelled “Jon.”

If the person tries to strike up a conversation or monopolize your time, not only is it appropriate to end the conversation, it’s the considerate action to respect the other people who have come to meet you and have their books signed. You can be direct without being rude by saying, “I’ve enjoyed talking with you but, I should keep signing books for the other people who have come here today. Thank you so much for stopping by.” And then turn to and greet the next person.

Q. As part of my job in the tech industry, my employer requires me to periodically be on call all the time. The company has always provided a cellphone for work purposes, and has paid for the monthly plan as well.

With the economic downturn, a new policy has been instituted - the company will no longer pay for the cellphone itself, and may no longer pay for the monthly service charge.

I'm one of the few luddites out there who will not purchase a phone for personal use. Can my employer require me to purchase a phone (when my current one dies) and also require me to pay for the monthly service charge as part of my job duties?

Q. A co-worker came to work today with a tick buried under the skin of his
hand, for which he had not sought medical assistance. Instead, he came to work and asked another coworker to use a pocket knife and help him cut it out. This took place in front of two other co-workers who appeared amused and offered advice in this surgical procedure. Collectively these four individuals finally decided that they were in over
their heads and advised the infected co-worker to finally seek a doctor.

Tell me, am I delusional in thinking these people were out of line?

R. O., Methuen, MA

A. Yes, R. O., they were out of line. First and foremost, they risked causing serious harm to the tick bitten co-worker. The risk of infection from the tick itself as well as from the knife is both real and dangerous. In addition, if the tick carried Lyme or other tick-born diseases, the long–term health consequences could be very serious. Obviously, your co-worker used poor judgment when he failed to seek medical assistance in the first place.

From the etiquette point of view, performing the “operation” in public showed a complete lack of awareness of the sensibilities of others. Any potentially “gross” activity should be taken care of in private. From the business point of view, the disruption it caused distracted other workers from their primary task—getting their work done—not to mention putting the business itself at risk as the “operation” was carried out while on the job.

Q. When writing an e-mail to a group of people, should names always be listed alphabetically or by hierarchy. Often after the first couple of "ranked" people, the remainder of the addressees are peers. In that case should I first list the president, then vice president, and then all the subordinates in alpha order?

Am I making this a bigger deal than is necessary?

C.W. Needham, MA

A. It’s a good idea to take care both with the “rank” and the spelling of people’s names. The hybrid of listing “ranked people” first followed by peers in alphabetical order makes the most sense.

Q. My company is doing quite well in the down economy because of the business we are in (clean energy technology). We are a growing company and I was brought in straight out of college about 8 months ago into an entry level position. Since then, I have been given projects that equal or surpass others on my team in responsibility, even though they have more experience.

Originally, I was brought in as an "assistant," but due to the amount of work that had to be done, I was quickly given a lot of projects and responsibilities not in my job description. This has been going on for most of the time that I have worked here. Although I enjoy the challenge, it is frustrating to know that I do the same job as people who make $3,000 to $50,000 more than I do. The company is young, and no one has been here for more than 3 years. In terms of the industry, everyone in my group brings a similar amount of experience as me to the table for our job function. First, is my frustration warranted? I know that you have to pay your dues, but I always imagined starting from the bottom, doing grunt work, and learning an industry from the people around you, which is not the situation I find myself in now. Would it be warranted for me to ask for a raise/promotion during my next review based on this?

Q. I work in a shared office with six employees. Each day some office personnel have lengthy work and even non-work conversations in our cubicle area. People in nearby cubicles are distracted by the conversations. I believe the work environment should be friendly but these are long distracting conversations. How do I get the point across without hurting feelings or creating an unhappy non-cooperative work environment?
D. R., Troutdale Oregon

Q. As the new administrator for a small office, I also handle all receptionist duties. Several of my boss’s colleagues occasionally drop in without an appointment and literally walk past me to head into his office. I believe he has created this environment by not setting boundaries initially. My boss, not being one for confrontation, would like me to intercept visitors. How do I stop them without being rude and set boundaries from this point forward?
C. S., Atlanta, GA.

Q. I work as a temporary office contractor and recently, while copying, viewed a co-workers (permanent employee) less than positive performance review. Since the review, that employee has spent much more time in the office (rather than teleworking); however, last Friday she came in much later than usual and appeared to be in a great rush. She requested documents out of my office, took them, and then insinuated there was something wrong with some copies which I had made. She then proceeded to do some copying that I usually do as part of my job, and also requested that I copy for her right away. She also wanted to do the mailing out of the job, which has been my job. The job did end up missing a critical mailing deadline.

I am concerned because as a contractor I do not have job security. The job market/economy seems quite bad, so I do not feel it is safe to quit this job, but the sometimes critical atmosphere and my contractor status do not make me feel that it is safe to stay, even though I have received no negative reviews from management. (Yes, I know my work is not perfect.)

A. You can only control what you can control and that is your own performance.

Q. There is an attorney in my office who conducts his business at his secretary's desk, this includes telephone calls, dictating, etc. I'm very busy and my concentration and productivity is greatly affected by this. I've tried talking to my boss, but to no avail. Any suggestions?

A. This sounds like an unpleasant situation. With open offices and cubicles being the trend, this is a more common situation than in past years. It sounds like your boss may not want to confront the situation either.

Q. I have a boss who is super disorganized and has a really hard time prioritizing her time and tasks. This affects me in that I don't have any direction. Time and time again she tells me we are going to 'discuss' or get to projects and it never happens. I try to be proactive in that I come to her office to see if she has things for me, give her updates on other work I essentially create for myself and CC her on all my communications but at the same time I find my self getting increasingly frustrated in my job. I would like more direction, guidance, and goals and I cannot seem to find it from her. I have tried to tactfully introduce the topic at reviews and she is aware of it but never seems to make a huge effort to improve her behavior. I'm not sure what else to do other than look to transfer as I feel like I am not maximizing my skills at my job. Please help me find a way to manage this situation.

A. Many employees would love to be in your place. Lots of freedom to choose the direction and tasks to work on, getting little management from anyone, and essentially being self-directed and self-managed. But extremes in management are difficult to deal with, and being under-managed and supported can be as frustrating as being micromanaged.

Q. I work for a non-profit organization which holds many fundraising events throughout the year. Ninety five percent of these are on weekends or during evening hours. I am constantly asked to "volunteer" my time to assist at these events. I am not an exempt employee and am paid on an hourly basis. I usually help at one or two per year but do not feel I should give up my weekend or evening time do this on a regular basis without being paid or receiving compensatory time off. I am offered neither and when I have questioned this, I have been told "never mind, we'll find someone else."

Most people in the office (many of whom are paid by hour) do volunteer at these functions on a regular basis. I am made to feel like I am not part of team for declining to participate but feel strongly that they must offer pay for time worked or compensatory time off. Please let me know your thoughts on this situation.

A.Almost everyone I know gives up a few extra hours to support the organizations they work for - however most organizations do not run their business events on the good intentions of their employees. I have seen political campaigns run this way with staff truly volunteering their time to work events on nights and weekends, and they needed no organizational incentives or "encouragement". But this is not the case.

Q: I accepted a job, which is salaried, so I don't get paid for any overtime. I accepted the job (out of financial necessity) at a lower rate than I normally would have accepted. After a year of working there, my initial impression of being on salary is very different from what the reality is. If I have to leave a half-hour early or late I am docked, but I work about 3-7 hours of OT each week. If a meeting comes up before or after work, I am required to go, and it can take anywhere from 1 to 3 hours. I have addressed some of the issues with my manager, but have not received a response. Any suggestions for how to approach this at my annual review so that I can request a proper salary increase? Or perhaps some guidance for a more realistic view of being a salaried employee?

A: An annual review is an opportunity to reflect on your accomplishments during the past year and to set some mutually agreed upon goals for the coming year. If you showcase your contributions to the company, this should help you earn the highest raise that your company is now able to provide, and bring you closer to your desired salary level. Resist complaining the whole time about your salary and the lack of overtime. In fact, before you even mention your concerns, you need to understand a bit more about the two main types of salaried employees and the complex regulations that govern overtime.

Q. I am desperately miserable in my job and plan to quit soon. But I'm having problems deciding exactly when to do it - on one hand, I don't want to be here a minute longer than I have to, but I also don't want to burn any bridges with my employer. I am feeling guilty about doing it soon after getting an annual bonus and right before a (relatively expensive) office party. I don't have another job lined up yet.

A. In addition to your feelings, there are other concerns to consider when deciding when to leave a job you can’t stand.

Financial: Can you afford to leave without another job lined up, especially in this particularly tough job market? Are you prepared to live without unemployment insurance as well as without an income for what could be many months? When you resign voluntarily you cannot collect unemployment benefits.

Q. I have an issue that I don't really know how to handle. I set up an account with a well-known networking site for professionals a couple of years ago. At the time, I was very unhappy with my position and when I set up the account, I checked off the box saying "contact me for career opportunities." I have since left the job, and modified my profile to remove that information. About six months into working in my current position, I started receiving phone calls AT WORK for job opportunities. I should probably point out that I do not have my work contact information posted on the website. When I ask where they got my information, they name the website. I tell them to stop calling, and that my calls are monitored here, and I don't appreciate them calling me through the main number. That still doesn't stop them. I have received over 20 of these phone calls in the last 6 months and don't know what to do about it. I have even modified my profile to say "Do Not Call Me At Work." My company monitors everything we do, and I don't want my boss to think I'm looking for a new job. Should I bring this issue up with my boss before someone else brings it up?

A.While the specifics of your situation are a challenge, the concept of avoiding an issue at work with the hope it goes away almost never works. So first, let your boss know the situation you are in and the problems you are having with this website. This is vital to protecting a positive relationship with your manager. You do not want him or her to hear about these calls from anyone else at the company who may jump to conclusions that you are conducting a job search, and doing so on company time.

Q: I am 27 and work in an e-retail environment. We are expanding rapidly and have gone from a staff of 6 to 26 in a fairly short time. We have flexible hours but we are all expected to work 35 hours per week. Most of us are totally committed to getting the job done and in fact, stay as long as needed to get the work done. The founders of the company are really great people and none of us want to let them down. But, there are a few people who do as little as possible, disappear for hours on end, do inferior work and never contribute an idea. It makes the rest of us crazy and it is the topic of conversation on breaks. It is starting to bring down the entire morale of the staff. The founders either don’t see it or are choosing to ignore it. A few of us have thought about speaking to the founders. What do you think? Continue to say nothing or speak up?

A: One or two of you may want to speak for the group and approach the founders with hard data about the slackers. Be sure you have documented extended breaks and examples of poor work so the discussion is very concrete. If the founders are smart, they will make some personnel adjustments.

It is documented that particularly Generation Yers are extremely intolerant of poor performers. The founders risk losing star performers if they continue to tolerate poor performance when the economy improves. With 26 staff, it is probably time to hire some supervisors who can monitor the work more closely and ensure everyone is pulling their weight.

Q. I was recently moved out of a management position and put in another location in the company that doesn't require the same skill set as I was originally hired for. I was also moved without any reasonable cause, just a "management decision." I had an exemplary record and recently had an excellent review. Now there is talk of moving me again into a position I would most certainly not be qualified for if I applied for it off the street! I enjoy working for this company, but the politics and moving without cause is getting unsettling. I should add that this is a four-year institution of higher education.

A. Your situation sounds unsettling, but not that unusual in our current economic climate. Employers, including those in higher education as well as other industries, are struggling to be more efficient with their current resources.

Many of my clients - even the most smart and ethical organizations - are being forced to make very difficult decisions. Some are not filling open positions that would be ordinarily filled with few approvals. Some clients are downsizing and eliminating positions, while others are reducing workweeks in one or all areas. Some are aggressively reviewing compensation and benefits plans. Still others are moving resources within the company to where they are most needed.

Q: What's the best way to protect myself in my current job?

A: There are some steps that you can take now to help solidify your job. If your employer is hemorrhaging money, there are no guarantees that any of these suggestions will immunize you from being laid off. However, by being positive and proactive in managing your own career, you will be better able to present yourself as a valuable employee, either in your current job, or to a new employer.

Present a positive attitude. Attitude is always a key component of job success and longevity, but never more so than in a difficult economic climate. Avoid spending time with the doomsayers at your company; collective worry and gossip about who will be laid off next is not productive. Instead, force yourself to appear optimistic and cheerful when you are at work, even if you are feeling stressed, overworked, and uncertain. Have a smile on your face when you come in early and leave late; you want to convey the impression that you are a hard-working, caring, and productive employee.

Q: I have an employee who works for me who always wants to be the center of attention. He seems to talk nonstop and, frankly, he distracts me and other employees in our department. Any tips for cutting him off?

A: "The Talkers," as I call them, are tough characters to deal with. Our first reaction is usually to do everything we can to avoid them. That would be fine if you were his co-worker, but you are his boss and have to deal with this issue.

Here are some things you can try that I have used over the years to some positive effect.

Q. I've been offered a job contingent on a background check. Do I need to be worried about what might come up?

A. Maybe. With the competition hotter than ever for the jobs that are out there, companies are proceeding with caution in their hiring. Embezzlement, scams, harassment, and other illegalities hurt too many companies and they are working diligently to protect their employees, their customers, and their reputations. A background check can include criminal information such as misdemeanors, financial and credit data, as well as any other documentation that might be found in court proceedings, which are public record.

Pre-employment screenings - and the background checks that go along with them - have become more vital as fewer employers are willing to give more than basic reference data. The Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) data estimates 70 percent of companies have policies to offer only dates of employment and position in a reference check.

Q. As a pharmacist in charge, I am responsible for the workings of the pharmacy as it is under my license, but I am not the manager of my work partner as we all report to an area supervisor, nor am I a manager of the store as there is a store manager. This is the background. I have 2 questions:

Also, working as a pharmacist, we are told we should be professional enough to find time for meals yet it is almost impossible to have lunch when someone always comes up to the counter. At other companies, they close the location to have lunch yet the company does not allow us to close as we are required to serve the customer. How can meals be taken when you are at the same time required to work? How does a person technically take a meal break by the 'rules'? What does a meal break mean? A person takes a break to eat something without being on duty?

A: These are two very good questions. Let me address the first question. It sounds like you are an hourly employee or what is called a non-exempt employee. This means that you are paid for exactly the time you work and only for that time. If your company asks you to attend offsite meetings, you should certainly be compensated for them, including travel time and time spent at the actual meeting. In addition, when the company asks you to travel to another destination that is not your primary work location, you should be compensated for mileage from your home to the offsite location and back home again.

Q. I want to leave my toxic job. I would like to give my notice on the last day of January and then give them two weeks. In order to reach the next level of vesting and to receive a payout for the company’s gain sharing plan, I have to work the first day of the next month which is my anniversary date. My question is this: If my manager decides she wants me to leave immediately without working the additional two weeks, can I be cheated out of the rewards owed to me?

A. I would refer you to your company’s Employee Handbook for the answer to this question. It should be clearly stated in the Handbook. If there is no Handbook, you might try to stop by the human resources department and ask what the policy is. If there is no written policy, then you are at the discretion of management and they can tell you to pack up and not return the next day, resulting in your losing a level of vesting and the payout for last year.

Q: If I work from 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. with no lunch, and leave 15 minutes early every day, is that okay to do and still get paid for 8 hours?

A: Good question. It sounds like this work schedule is your preference and not mandated by your employer or your manager. And I need to make a few assumptions. I will assume that you are a Massachusetts-based employee, and that you are 18 years or older. (The regulations covering the employment of minors, especially with regard to the number of work hours, are far more stringent in terms of the number of hours worked per day.)

Q. I work as a pharmacist, and am required to take part in a group conference call meeting that occurs once or twice a month. These calls last from 30 to 60 minutes. If I am working, filling prescriptions and dealing with customers, I am required to take the call while continuing to multitask. If the calls occur on my days off, I am still required to attend. Should I be compensated for these mandatory meetings when they occur on my day off?

A. Time is money as the saying goes, but not always. Many people question when they should be compensated, and it is okay to ask a human resources representative at your company to answer that question, and to explain the logic, or laws behind that answer. How you ask the question - really any questions about compensation - matters. It shouldn't be threatening, just ask for a clarification so everybody understands how things work. Human resources people and managers can't be aggravated by people trying to understand how they are paid. It is a reasonable question - regardless of the answer.