One of my favorite questions during my seminars involves paying the bill at a business lunch or dinner, specifically: What should a woman do when she invites a man to a business meal and the wait staff hands the check to her male guest at the end of the meal?

Very frustrating. Playing tug of war with her guest for the check is not the image she wants to leave with him . Since, she did the inviting she knows she is expected to do the paying, and she wants to do it.

She could say to her guest, “Tom, please, I’ll take care of the check. I invited you to lunch today. I insist.” Hopefully, her confident tone and her words will be enough to convince Tom to relinquish the check. If he insists on paying, she may be stuck, and her best course of action is to graciously appreciate his generosity.

Better yet, she will do herself a favor by not letting the situation ever get to the point where the wait staff can foul up her plans by giving the check to her male guest.

• She could discreetly let the maître d’ or the waitperson know ahead of time or when they are being seated that the check should be given to her at the end of the meal.

• She could give her credit card to the manager ahead of time and ask to have the check plus twenty percent for the tip be charged to the card. She can sign the charge slip and get her card at the end of the meal. (Of course this assumes she knows the restaurant well enough to feel comfortable giving them her card ahead of time.)

• She can excuse herself to the restroom a few minutes before the end of the meal, give her card to the waitperson who will process the check and the tip, and have the slip ready for her signature as she returns from the restroom. The beauty of this scenario is that no check ever comes to the table. She has fulfilled her obligation as host, the meal is paid for unobtrusively, and her focus can be on her guest as the meal draws to a close.

This advice is equally applicable to men. Arrange for the payment of the bill in such a way that it never shows up at the table. Keep your attention on your guest without the distraction of having to figure the tip and sign the slip.

Q: When writing a resignation letter should I list where I'm going to work? If I don't list it and they ask, am I obligated to tell them? I am returning to my former employer. I left my former employer on great terms and only because they weren't sure our contract would be renewed and I was facing a possible layoff. Thank you.

A: Offering your resignation in writing is a professional courtesy. I strongly recommend writing a letter of resignation to your company and providing at least two weeks notice. In some roles, a longer notice period may be appropriate.

Your letter should be addressed to your manager and some employees will also copy Human Resources. It is a good idea to verbally communicate your intent to leave the company directly to your manager in a private, confidential way. Then, you can provide your written notice of resignation. Even further, it is always helpful to create a transition plan so when you leave, it is bit less chaotic.

You have no obligation to tell your company where you are going although certainly you will be asked by someone: your manager, co-workers, vendors or clients. I think it is fine to explain it as you state it in your question. “I am returning to ABC. I left on great terms and I really enjoyed my role there. The commute was a breeze too, only 10 minutes in the morning.” Most of your colleagues will understand and wish you well.

You want to ensure that you depart on positive terms. Yes, returning to your former employer might be a very good move for you but you also want to avoid creating havoc with your departure. You want to speak about your current employer, manager, workplace and colleagues in the most positive way possible. Some day, you might be working with some of these people again. It is a very small world.

I often hear people say on their outgoing work voice mail messages, “I will call you back at my earliest convenience.” It rubs me the wrong way. I think the intention is to convey “as soon as I can.” But with the word choice “convenience,” it conveys more of “when I’m ready without regard to your needs.” Am I being persnickety? I would really appreciate knowing your thoughts. Thank you.

J. L., Farmington, CT

Merriam Webster Dictionary online defines persnickety this way:

a: fussy about small details : fastidious a persnickety teacher

b : having the characteristics of a snob

While I don’t think your reaction is snobbish, I do think it could be characterized as focused on small details.

Many of the etiquette questions I receive are really issues in which one person is frustrated by another person’s idiosyncrasies or when misunderstandings mushroom into big issues because people don’t know what is actually meant by the words being used. Your situation is a perfect example.

“At my earliest convenience” probably isn’t the best word choice. I think you are right that it conveys a message of “when I’m ready regardless of your needs.” But I doubt that the writer meant it in an intentionally demeaning, derogatory or selfish way. It was probably just the automatic obverse to “Please call me back at your earliest convenience.” So I recommend assigning it the meaning “I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” It’ll become one less small detail to distract you.

Bottom line: In business it becomes very important to decide which issues you are going to bring up and which ones you are going to let slide. Certainly, taking everyone to task for every small thing they do that you don’t like isn’t the way to build good work relationships. If we did hold people accountable for all those small annoyances, we would quickly become known as “the Complainer.”

The workplace is a perfect environment for letting small details escalate into big problems. After all, you’re at work eight hours a day, five days a week, fifty weeks of the year. You probably spend more waking time at work than you do with your significant other and/or family or friends. You’re meant to get along with people you really might not want to associate with and who do lots of little things that annoy you, like leaving a voice mail message saying “at my convenience.” When it happens next, and it will, it’s okay to be frustrated. Just remember it’s also okay to let it go.

Recently I was asked by a young male seminar participant, “I’ve got an interview with an advertising agency next week. What do I wear?”

The reality is most job interviews are a competition. It’s not just how you look, act and express yourself that matters, it’s how you look, act and express yourself in comparison to the other candidates that matters.

If you apply to a dot com business where everyone is in jeans and a t-shirt and you show up in a suit, you don’t look like you belong. Conversely, if you apply to a private investment bank where business formal is the norm and you show up in khakis and a golf shirt or even a button-down shirt with no tie, you may have significantly hurt your chance for the job before you answered the first question.

My advice? Dress one notch up. Find out what the people who work at that agency wear to work and then kick it up a notch. If they wear golf shirts and khakis, you wear a button-down shirt, no tie, slacks, and maybe even a jacket or blazer. Your goal is to look like you fit in.

During the twenty years I owned an advertising agency, I interviewed dozens of job candidates. I was amazed by the people who came in for an interview dressed inappropriately. Most were dressed too casually, and many displayed body language that was unprofessional, like slouching in the chair or not being able to look me or other staff in the eye as we talked. I couldn’t help but wonder: If that’s how they dress and act for the interview, how are they going to dress and act when meeting clients or prospects when they represent my business and me?

So, how do you find out how people at that business dress? If possible, try visiting the day or two before your interview. Introduce yourself to the receptionist, and take a moment to observe how people are dressed. In addition, check with the receptionist or assistant to confirm the name, spelling and pronunciation of the person or people you’ll be meeting with. If you do it correctly and your competitor doesn’t, you’ve got a leg up.

Regardless of business casual or business formal, wear clean clothes, ones with no stains or odor. Clothes should be lint-free and pressed as well. Better yet, today’s no-iron shirts and pants are a great way to look sharp without having to do the ironing yourself or pay to have your clothes pressed. And while you’re at it, check your personal grooming: hair, nails, teeth, breath, and beard.

Q. I will be leaving a job where we currently use "flextime" for our time off. All of our days off come from the same pool, be it holidays, sick leave, vacation, etc. I accrue .01 hour of flextime per hour worked, up to 4 hours per work week. In addition, as part of my compensation package, we are given an additional 0.5 days of flex time per years of service with the company.

I have accumulated nearly 900 hours of flextime in my flextime pool. The written company policy is that if I give my employer 4 weeks of notice, I am entitled to cash out a MAXIMUM of 4 weeks of my flextime leave bank.

Is this legal? If not, what kind of recourse do I have to ensure compensation? Can I take the number of hours that I will forfeit by virtue of leaving as a capital loss on my taxes? My effective pay rate (I am salaried) is over $40/hour, the 750+ hours that I am forfeiting means that I am forfeiting nearly $30,000 (pre-tax).

A. Many organizations have moved into a PTO (paid time off) policy that looks like yours, particularly if they are a 24 hour operation like a hospital. Employees gained more freedom to choose the holiday’s that mattered most to them, and often were even able to donate sick time to other employees.

Having a complete knowledge of how your benefits work becomes more important in situations like yours. Different industry sectors have different practices, and the public sector is one of the last it seems to allow people to cash out all of their accumulated time. Based on tax payer reaction we may see a change in this practice soon.
I consulted with Attorney David Conforto, a plaintiff’s attorney at Conforto Law Group based in Boston for his assessment of your situation. Attorney Conforto reports “Many employers combine sick leave, personal leave, and vacation leave into one general category. According to an advisory opinion issued by the Attorney General's Office, employers who do so should designate the amount of hours or days of the leave which are considered vacation time. Vacation time is afforded special protection and considered "wages" under the Massachusetts Wage Act. The failure to designate which portion of your flextime is actually vacation days could result in all accrued flextime being deemed "wages" under this statute”. This special protection includes the guarantee of the pay out of vacation time when you leave a job. Your employer may believe the noted 4 week maximum is all that needed to be communicated.

An employer may cap the amount of vacation time that an employee may accrue. The Attorney General's Office has recognized that an acceptable variation of an accrual cap is a “use it or lose it” vacation policy. Under this policy, employees must use all of their accumulated vacation time by a certain period of time (often the end of the year) or forfeit it. If your employer implements such a policy after you have already accrued vacation time, you must be provided with notice and a reasonable opportunity to use your accumulated vacation time. The failure to do so could result in an illegal forfeiture of earned wages.

Attorney Conforto also notes, “Regarding the notice issue, the Massachusetts Wage Act provides that no employer shall ‘by special contract with an employee or by any other means exempt himself’ from the benefits afforded to employees under this statute. Examples of a ‘special contract’ are policies that obligate employees to provide a resignation notice, which appears to be exactly what your employer is requiring here. The fact that you will lose accrued vacation time if you fail to provide such notice likely violates the Wage Act.”

A conversation with your human resources benefits staff will most likely shed some light on the dollar value of your flex time account.

They weren't happy to see me when I rang the fire station doorbell the other night. I was semi-desperate. On the other hand, I wasn't on fire.

How do you react at work when people bring you problems that seem trivial to you, but urgent to them? That's a moment of truth.

"Most people call fire trucks just for nothing, petty things. It's just ridiculous for them to even call," said one firefighter about the worst part of his job.

You know the feeling because it happens every day: someone or something unexpected comes along, and hijacks your schedule.

"Spent the day putting out fires," you say—unless you happen to be an actual firefighter. Then fires are the job; everything else is distraction.

That night at the station, I was a distraction.

Just back from a weekend trip (my wife still there), I'd managed to unpack my bags, my wallet, my car keys and my cell phone, and then lock myself out of the house.

That's not an easy trick. But the firefighters were unimpressed.

"Go back to your house," they said. "We'll meet you." I mentioned that I'd just walked a mile to the station, and wouldn't object to riding back with them.

"We've got to ask the Chief," they said. A few minutes later the Chief came downstairs. He looked extremely unhappy.

The Chief climbed into the truck, so did two other firefighters. "Get in," the Chief told me. After that, dead silence.

I had called the fire department once before (different town, same problem), but those firefighters had been extremely cheerful, even though they had to climb a ladder and break in through an upper window.

Maybe that's why they were so cheerful. It felt more like their real job.

When we got to my house, the youngest firefighter took out a credit card, slid it along the inside of my door, and, presto, it unlocked.

"Don't tell anyone I did that," he said, and smiled.

But then the Chief shot him a look that seemed to say, "Stop talking immediately. And don't ever smile."

Then they drove away.

Tip: People evaluate you based on two things: your results, and your behavior. In a crisis, it's all about results. If you're a firefighter, battling a real fire, no one cares if you're cheerful.

But most of the time at work, it's not a real fire.

© Copyright 2012 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

I had a woman call me in tears one day asking this question. Her boss had just chewed her out for not shaking hands. “Was I right?” she asked. She was at a meeting and saw a person sneeze into his hands. During a break a few minutes later, her boss brings the person over to introduce him to her. While images of that recent sneeze flash through her mind, he reached out to shake her hand.

What would you do?

The handshake is a perfect example of what manners are and why they are valuable. Manners smooth the way as we interact with people by telling us what to do and what to expect people to do in return.

We learn from an early age that if a person reaches out a hand to shake, we should respond by shaking. It is a staple of the greeting ritual in America, the way we show respect, especially when meeting someone for the first time. When both parties shake hands, all the attention focuses on the greeting. But when a person is left with a hand hanging out there in space, the focus immediately shifts to why the other person didn’t shake hands. Even worse, not shaking the offered hand can be seen as a slight, a disrespectful gesture that needs to be explained.

Now, there are times when not shaking is appropriate, but needs to be accompanied by an explanation. “Please, excuse me for not shaking. I have a cold and don’t want to give it to you. But it is a pleasure to meet you.” “In my culture women do not shake hands, but I am very pleased to meet you.” An injury, medical condition, or religious prohibition— as long as the explanation is true and sincerely explained, it works. But if a few minutes later you are observed shaking hands with someone else, then you’re busted, and your white lie now has gotten you into deeper hot water. (That’s the problem with a white lie. When you get caught, and you will get caught, resolving the situation is much worse than whatever you told the white lie about in the first place.)

For the woman who called me, considering even for a split second how her action would affect the others might have led her to a different course of action. While hard on her, shaking hands was good for the person she was meeting, her boss, and ultimately her company. Not shaking hands, while good for her at that moment, really wasn’t good for her in the long run as it left the person confused, her boss angry, and her company possibly losing business.

In business, until that manner changes, shaking hands is still the best option.

Q. The work and calls at my office are time sensitive, and people have to receive their messages immediately so they can return calls to people as soon as possible. Most people at the company seem to understand this but they all seem to have their own way to pass on messages. People choose to reply by text, email, voicemail, or even a note left on your desk or chair. We have “protocol” but issues remain when even a little circumstance changes. Some messages get through; others are delayed or reported in error. Staff are often angry at each other, but no one seems to have agreed on the right way or the best way to make sure calls get where they are supposed to. Are there rules around this?

A. The days of the pink message squares collected at the reception desk are long gone, and the state of urgency in the work place continues to increase. And when processes don’t work, mistakes happen, and employee frustration increases.

You have established protocol which is a good start. Is it in writing? Many organizations assume they have established practices of which all staff are aware, but they aren’t in writing anywhere. People “just know”. But the problem is that people don’t just know, and if it isn’t in writing processes are next to impossible to train for and to review. As you go through the exercise of putting the practice in writing, you may find that many exceptions arise, or disagreements about what the real process is, or how it should work. Keep the focus on the goal – get useful and correct information to people in a timely fashion so they can return calls. Different companies have different communications cultures. Define yours, and see if it changes by work groups.

How are the most urgent messages conveyed? This is often determined by where people are. Are you a company of people at their desks, or an organization of field people on the road? Do your voice mail and email systems communicate? Is a message left at someone’s office equal to a message left on their cell phone? What is your technology capable of, and does all your staff know how to use it? How many times do people in your office say, “I’ll try to transfer you but, if you get disconnected...”? How regularly do people come into the office?

These questions and more need to be answered to document the most effective method of communication. Your first run through may feel like you are playing “rock, paper, scissors” – forwarding the actual call live, beats cell phone voice mail, which beats office voice mail, which beats text, which beats email, which beats paper on your desk. Does that work for your organization or is there another order? What does the back-up plan look like? Are using two methods simultaneously worth the extra effort? Is it worth it if the CEO is leaving the message, or the one receiving the message?

Stay away from personal issues, or style issues. Remain focused on the goal as you determine the process steps, and realize that technology can help you if you define what is urgent, and everyone agrees on the process they have in writing.

Q. I work for $10.00 an hour, but have been told that I am on salary. I am guaranteed pay for 40 hours a week, but my boss expects me to work 6 days a week. Does he have the right to pay me for only 40 hours, when in fact I work 46 - 50 hours a week?

A. Pay disputes cause great friction in organizations and employees and employers need to be clear on the terminology of pay, and the legal implications in that terminology. Employees fall into specific categories of exempt and non-exempt. These classifications need to be assigned correctly by your employer. “Exempt” employees are on salary(and exempt from the overtime law), which means they are not entitled to overtime. “Non exempt” employees are not exempt (from the overtime law) and are entitled to overtime pay. The distinction can be confusing, and often employees classified in one category wish they were classified as the other.

For your situation, I consulted with Attorney Sheryl Eisenberg, a Labor and Employment attorney at Hirsch Roberts Weinstein LLP, who regularly counsels clients on Wage and Hour matters.

“Many employers mistakenly believe that simply paying an employee a salary, as opposed to an hourly wage, allows the employee to be treated as exempt from the overtime provisions of the Fair Labor Standards Act ("FLSA")” says Attorney Eisenberg.

There are three tests - salary level, salary basis, and duties, which must be satisfied before an employee can be properly classified as "exempt." Attorney Eisenberg explains. 1. As a general rule, the employee must earn the equivalent of at least $455.00 per week. 2. The employee must receive the same amount of minimum guaranteed salary for each workweek regardless of the quality or quantity. 3. The employee must perform certain duties that place the employee within a certain category - executive, administrative or professional - before the employee can be properly classified as exempt. Examples of duties within these categories are management or supervisory roles, and administrative responsibility related to the management of the business needing independent judgment in areas of significance. Some roles which are exempt from overtime laws include doctor’s, lawyers, teachers, and individuals earning over $100,000.

Employees who do not satisfy all three of these tests are not properly classified as exempt and are entitled to receive overtime for all hours worked over 40 in a given workweek.

Many employees regularly review the classifications of employees to see if the roles have changed, and new classifications are in order. You, your boss, and a human resources person should review your role and classification to determine if you are misclassified.

Q: What is the general practice regarding birthdays in the workplace? As a manager, I choose to not acknowledge them to avoid jealousy if someone's gets overlooked. Other managers are buying cake every week. What's your take?

A: I was thoroughly amused when I read your question. I have seen many practices, some which employees enjoy and some which employees seem to loathe.

Some of my observations:
- Employees being cajoled and even pressured into “donating” for a gift for the birthday honoree. I am not in favor of this as a practice.
- There is a rotation where each employee takes a turn baking cakes for the birthday celebration. In some offices, this works. However, you could always get someone like me baking your cake. Then, because of my culinary skills, I am not in favor of this as a practice.
- Employees avoiding work on their birthdays because of possible embarrassment associated with a birthday. Think crepe paper, balloons and a decorated cubicle. Some employees adore this attention while others seem irritated by it.
- Employees becoming annoyed that their birthday (or age) is known to others and no one asked them in advance if a celebration was acceptable.
- Some employees enjoy whatever celebration their department has planned and this might include a cake or simply receiving a card signed by colleagues.

I think the smartest approach is to celebrate birthdays once per month. So instead of having a cake on May 5, May 12, May 21 and May 31, perhaps having one cake for all of the May birthdays. I think it is a good idea to ask the birthday honorees before the celebration to ensure that the birthday honorees are ok with all others knowing that they have a birthday in the upcoming month. I have found that some employees are very private and prefer not to be the center of attention during a celebratory event, even if it is just a few colleagues in a conference room. Some companies will circulate a card for all to sign instead of a cake. Some offices would prefer that cakes not enter the workplace because of food allergies. And to keep the attorneys happy, please keep the cake, cards and decorations all PG-13 or cleaner.

I have seen a wide range of how birthdays are handled in the workplace. However, you want to ensure that it does not become the focus of the day and hinder productivity. You also want to make sure that the acknowledgement of the birthday is well-received by the recipient(s).

Skip business school, I advise those who want to accelerate a management career; instead, spend a few years in a mental hospital. You could even work there.

It's good to know something about irrational behavior because there are days when everyone at work seems, more or less, insane. Usually what that means, of course, is that we just don't understand them.

What's more surprising—we often don't understand ourselves.

"The key to what you really want," says David Maister, a consultant and former business school professor, "lies in something that you don’t like to admit.

“'I don’t like to admit it but I really want to be rich.' Fine; go out and get rich. 'I don’t like to admit it but I’m a snob.' That’s all right; go work with 'upper class' people.

"Play to your 'evil secrets,'" advises Maister, "don’t suppress them" (Maister's Laws of the Job Search).

I'm sure there are exceptions. If you secretly dream of becoming a world-class homicidal maniac, suppression may be in order.

But most secrets aren't evil, they're energy.

The hard part: figuring out your secret. Before consulting, and before working in mental health, my jobs seemed random. But they weren't. Take a look:

1) Mailman, New York City. Great job, several summers during college.

2) Encyclopedia salesperson, Boston. Terrible job right after college; I lasted 30 days.

3) Taxi cab driver, Cambridge. Ok job, but lots of negative feedback. When I drive, even now, passengers often become agitated. They seem desperate to escape.

Are you desperate to escape your job? Maybe you've suppressed your secret. Mine didn't become obvious till later, in business school.

Ed Schein, a business school professor, had researched a concept he called "career anchors." Your career anchor, said Schein, is your #1 priority at work.

Schein identified eight anchors.

When I saw his list, one anchor jumped out: autonomy. That's what had attracted me to those jobs, and later to consulting. That was my evil secret.

What's yours?

Tip: You can't sustain enthusiasm if your job doesn't fit. Notice what energizes you. Do more of that.

© Copyright 2012 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

I always enjoy writing to you because you always respond. I just read your column in the Sunday Globe on fund-raising tips, and it got me hoping that someday you’ll find the opportunity to advise telemarketers on something they should not do: address total strangers by their first names.

I often get calls from telemarketers who begin, “Is this Alfred?” When I respond in the affirmative, they proceed to use my first name early and often. It seems to me that if I were in such urgent need of money that I had to phone total strangers for their help, I would address them as Mr. or Mrs. I might even say Sir. I certainly would not address them as if they were a buddy. Over the years I’ve found this a most annoying aspect of their solicitations. I told one as much the other day, and why, and it felt good!

F. H., Natick, MA

One of the etiquette tips we give for both verbal and written communications is to defer to the formal anytime there is a question as to how a person would prefer to be addressed. The formal—Mr., Mrs., Ms., Dr., Rev. plus last name—leaves very little, if any, room for offense, such as you feel when telemarketers start conversing with you using your first name.

When you meet someone for the first time, you don’t know how they wish to be addressed, especially someone older than you or more senior to you in business. Imagine if you started out calling your new boss by her first name only to hear others address her by her title and last name. It will be awkward suddenly to swtich from using her first name to using her title plus last name. Conversely, if you start out using title plus last name, it will be much easier and less embarrassing for you to switch to the informal first name once you know it is acceptable. Often, if you have addressed a person formally, they will respond by saying something like, “Please, call me Shelley.”

The same is true for written communications. With email especially, it is easy to let the informality of the communication process steer you in the direction of being informal. If you’re sending an email to someone more senior than you, to someone you’ve not met previously or not already established how you will address them, then deferring to the formal is a safe haven for you. You won’t go wrong, and the respect you show the person by addressing them by title plus last name will help you start out on the right foot to build a positive relationship .

Q: I supervise a small team of data entry clerks. The work we do can be tedious. Some employees play music to pass the time. Some employees talk to each other. I went on a medical leave and then I returned in March. When I returned, I noticed the chat level has really gotten out of hand. Our productivity has been negatively impacted. I don’t want to come off as a strict boss but how do I get these employees re-focused?

A: Let’s start with discussing the positives. Your employees are capable of being productive and focused. You observed their productivity levels before you took your leave of absence. This information is helpful because it tells me that they are capable of returning to that level of performance.

I always recommend starting with a candid approach. If you have a regular meeting, you could share your observations. Your message might sound like this:

I am glad to be back at ABC Inc. I appreciate all of your
support since I have returned. I want so share with you an
observation though. Before I left for my leave, we were running
at x errors per hour. I looked at a few reports earlier this week.
Now we are running at a much higher number of errors per hour.
Maybe around x+20. I have also noticed a higher level of
chattiness. I am ok with the music in the background but we have
to get the chattiness back down to a reasonable level. Does
that make sense?

I think if you have data to back up your concerns, it gives your concern more validity. My guess is that the work environment probably became a bit lax when you were on leave. It is easy to slip into bad habits. It is better to share your concerns sooner rather than later. You don’t want the chattiness to continue and create a larger problem than it is right now.

"What is the best way to confront a co-worker who commonly discusses her bodily functions out loud and in detail? Our office is small, and she makes no attempt to be discreet. We really don't want to hear about her bathroom habits or her other inappropriate issues. Is this just a lack of manners or complete ignorance on her part? Help!"

L. M., Clearfield, PA

Almost assuredly, it’s ignorance. Because if it’s not, it implies she is intentionally trying to gross out you and your co-workers. If that’s the case, talking to her about the issue won’t help; it will only reinforce her behavior because she’ll see it is having the desired effect. A manager will have to step in and lay down the law. Her continued rude behavior could create an unpleasant work environment and negative morale problems, which will lead to lower productivity and profits.

Ignorance can be addressed—first by co-worker(s) and then, if necessary, by a manager. It could be as simple as responding to her right when she says something vulgar, “Jane, that is really too much information. Instead, I’d enjoy hearing more about your vacation.” Keep a light or neutral tone, or even try a little humor. The idea is to clue her in and then move on. It may take a couple of “TMI” notices to raise Jane’s awareness that certain topics are off limits.

Alternatively, a colleague with whom Jane is friendly could try having a private, one-on-one talk with her. That private conversation can focus on the issue and not on embarrassing Jane in front of her other coworkers. “Jane, I want to bring up an issue that you may not be aware of. I’m speaking to you as your friend, and I hope, if the roles were reversed, that you’d do the same for me. Sometimes when we’re all talking, you bring up information that really is better kept private.” A couple of specific examples could help illustrate what the colleague is talking about. And then the colleague could conclude with, “I’d be more comfortable, and I’m sure some of the other people at work would be, too, if you kept such information private. Is that okay with you?” It is important to ask the concluding question to elicit a response from Jane. If she agrees, great; if not, then it is likely time to bring the issue to your manager for her to handle.

The CEO wanted to express his appreciation. "Thank you, everyone, for your hard work," he told several thousand employees.

Some must have wondered, "Everyone???"

Well, one can't really say, "Thank you all, except for Kelly in Purchasing, Scott in Sales, and the entire Engineering Department—what exactly do you guys do all day?"

Saying thanks is polite. My mother taught me that. Every year on my birthday, I'd get a card from a mysterious "Aunt Fanny."

I don't remember ever meeting Fanny. She wasn't really my aunt, she was a distant relative, maybe a 2nd or 3rd aunt, some kind of back-up aunt—whenever someone tried to explain her, it took a long time and was extremely complicated—and her name wasn't really Fanny, it was something else like Francis, or Fran, or Floyd.

But she never forgot my birthday, and I always had to thank her. My mother was right about that. It was good practice.

So there's nothing wrong with thanking several thousand employees. A lot of people feel over-worked and under-appreciated.

"Does Hillary know what a good job she's doing?" President Obama asked Vice President Biden about the Secretary of State.

"Why don't you tell her," Biden said (NY Times, 3/19/10).

Sounds simple. But suppose you were President—how would you do it?

1) Thank the State Department, in general, for their good work. Assume Hillary knows that includes her.

2) Thank Hillary through a third party, who could gossip, "You'll never guess what the President was saying about you the other day!"

Third party could be anyone with credibility—the Vice President, a random Supreme Court Justice, a former astronaut.

3) Tell H. face-to-face, "Good job."

4) Give H. a few examples of how she's completely exceeded your expectations.

Tip: It's easy to forget saying thanks. Also easy to thank everyone in general. But it's more powerful to thank individuals for specifics.

© Copyright 2012 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

As a function of my job, I am sometimes invited to black tie affairs via email invitations. I've always assumed that if one is invited to such a function without any mention of bringing a guest in the invitation that one is simply invited solo. I have noticed, however, that my colleagues often show up to these events with (non-spouse) guests (for whom they've RSVP'd), despite the fact that their invitations are identical to mine. Is it rude to reply to the host to ask if a guest is included in the invitation? I'd rather not put the host organization on the spot, as they may consider it rude to outright deny the inclusion of a guest, but otherwise I find the process confusing without the helpful clarity of a paper envelope addressed to “attendee + guest.”
S. H., Alexandria, VA

Your question implies that colleagues who have spouses receive invitations that are addressed to both people so the spouse clearly is included in the invitation. The invitations for invitees without spouses are addressed only to the invitee which, as you correctly surmise, implies no ”plus one” privilege.

While your colleagues are clearly overstepping the bounds of the invitation by bringing a guest, at least they are indicating their intent in their responses. Better that than simply showing up with a guest. Bringing a guest without at least letting the planner know throws the count for the number of meals and the number of seats and tables into confusion. But still, they shouldn’t have imposed on the host’s generosity and assumed they could bring a guest. On the other hand, the host appears to be condoning the practice.

If you wish to push the envelope and invite a guest to the next event, your best course of action is to call the organizer when you receive the invitation and ask. Don’t simply indicate on your RSVP that you are bringing a guest.

In general, I believe if spouses are invited to an event, then invitees without a spouse should be given the opportunity to bring a guest as well.

Finally, the RSVP is a most vexing etiquette issue. By failing to convey the right information the sender leaves the recipient confused; while by failing to answer the invitation or not complying with what the invitation asks, the recipient causes headaches for the sender. One of the biggest complaints we receive at the Emily Post Institute is about people who don’t respond to invitations at all. So, kudos to you and your colleagues for RSVPing to the invitations.

There were some problems at my job last week—not my fault but my responsibility—that required weekend work. My boss said she would work Saturday, and I said I'd work Sunday. This morning she called and said she felt bad since I have to travel quite far to work, and since there wasn't much left to do, she'd do it for me.

So nice of her! Are homemade cookies and a warm email appropriate thanks? I know you aren't supposed to give presents to your boss, but I was hoping homemade stuff could be an exception. True?

NR, Toronto, ON, Canada

What a pleasure to receive a question that deals with a positive, understanding boss. Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to your question. It depends to a large degree on the size of your workplace.

If you and your boss and maybe one or two other people are in the business, then by all means some “homemade stuff” would be appropriate. Just remember: Any time you do make stuff for any office be sure to let people know the ingredients to avoid any unpleasant surprises due to allergies.

The problem with a gift for your boss comes when there are several other employees in the business or department. It would be a shame to have an expression of appreciation appear to the other employees as an attempt on your part to curry favor with the boss. The other employees may not even know why you are giving your gift, and because of that lack of knowledge their thoughts could easily turn to the negative. Also, you are now setting the bar for other employees when the boss treats them similarly to how she treated you. If they don’t make some “homemade stuff,” are they less appreciative?

Instead, a perfect way to show your appreciation is to give your boss a thank you card or note. You should hand write the message. It doesn’t have to be long—three to five sentences are more than enough. Leave it on her desk or give it to her when you can do so privately. By the way, if you are in a small office where “homemade stuff” is appropriate, an accompanying card or note is like icing on the cake.

Out of interest, statistically bosses who do treat their employees well, foster a positive workplace atmosphere, and are considerate and respectful of everyone they interact with tend to have a more productive team, generate higher profits and engender greater customer loyalty. Those are pretty good results for treating people well.

Q. I was wondering what you would do if you were in my place. I am an operations manager. I was scheduled to meet with my boss to review my career development plan. I wanted to talk about advancement and he said "We don't promote every year, and the next job level in this group is mine and I am not going anywhere.” Now what?

A. Talking about advancement and career development plans can make a good manager uncomfortable and other managers who may not have been trained for these meetings kind of surly! I don't know how long you have been with the organization, or if you have requested a promotion, but what I can tell you is that advancement carries a very broad meaning.

Your goals for career advancement should be focused on skill development. Which skills can you develop which will make you more effective at your current job? Are there weaknesses (developmental opportunities) that you can address which will make you a better manager, colleague, and contributor to the organization? Look at your peers and evaluate the skill sets and experiences you see which make them successful. Do the same for your boss and his peers.

Document these skills and prioritize those which you think can have the most positive impact on your career if you develop them further. Make sure to review hard skills – financial ability, technical skills etc. -- and soft skills – communication style, presence, development of others (your boss might need a hint). Advancement depends on a balance of these.

You might also look at ways to support your boss. Are there parts of his job you know he dislikes? Is this an area where you can develop an expertise, and offer to support his work? A positive conversation with him could sound like this: “I really appreciate the opportunity to talk about my career and my ability to advance. I have learned quite a bit in this role, and want to continue to expand my knowledge and experience. There are a few things you do which I’d like more exposure to, and I wondered if I might even take over some of the responsibilities for some of these. For example…” – and then name something he doesn’t like to do all that much - keep it small and defined -- “…I might be able to support you more when you are on vacation, or free up your schedule for other projects you want to do.”

This would also be a great time to find out which skills he thinks can make you most effective for the organization. You might also ask other managers at his level the same question, and perhaps find a mentor. Your boss may not be going anywhere but if you look around, and develop the right skills, your options for going anywhere internally or externally increase.

My wife is willing to give me 20 points for stress. "But that's it, buddy," she says.

We're moving next month. According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, "change in residence" weighs in at 20 points. It's more than a minor violation of the law (11 pts), but less than imprisonment (63 pts).

That makes sense. Imprisonment involves being locked up—after moving.

Most stress is about change, whether good or bad. Losing your job is stressful (47 pts), but so is an "outstanding personal achievement" (28 pts).

When work changes, leaders illuminate the future. They offer hope.

Thomas Watson, founder of IBM, was once asked when he knew IBM would become a colossus. "The first day," he said.

"I had a very clear picture," Watson said, "of what the company would look like when it was finally done.

"I realized that for IBM to become a great company it would have to act like a great company long before it ever became one" ("The E-Myth Revisited," Michael Gerber).

When my wife and I first started packing, we had no idea where we were going, no view of the future. All we saw were boxes and boxes.

Then, a few weeks ago, we bought a new house. It's close to Boston, and looks out on a small pond. Sometimes, I picture that pond, and instead of worrying about packing, I worry about drought.

Psychologist Martin Seligman says you can usually predict the outcome of a U.S. presidential election by which candidate is most optimistic ("Learned Optimism").

A classic case, Reagan vs. Carter in 1980.

President Carter spoke about a "crisis of confidence" in a speech to the nation. "This is not a message of reassurance," he said.

I listened to that speech recently. It's the kind of speech that makes you worry about drought.

Reagan radiated optimism. "It's morning again in America!" was one of his ad campaigns.

Carter, of course, had beaten President Ford four years earlier. But President Ford was not known for optimism either.

"The State of the Union," he said in one of his annual addresses, "is not good."

Tip: Leaders acknowledge the current state, then drive to a better one. Sometimes, they bring boxes.

© Copyright 2012 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

I am a full-time student and work a part-time job so there isn't much time to sleep. I wake up at five am every day to get to work by six. I usually don't want to wake up as early as 4:00 or 4:30 to do my hair in the morning so typically I do my hair and makeup in the back office where no customer can see me (and we rarely have customers that early anyway that I have to interact with). Is it a faux pas to do your personal grooming at work, even if you have no interaction with customers typically that early and your boss hasn't even come in for the day yet? This is just something I have been thinking about lately. How would you feel about it?"

KC, Columbus, OH

There are several reasons why your choice to do your personal grooming at work is a mistake.

• The general rule of thumb is: Other than a quick touch-up of hair and makeup, do your personal grooming at home.

The point here is that you should look professional—in your case ready to do your job—from the moment you leave your home to the moment you return home. I know a young woman who worked in the financial services field in New York City. Although appropriately dressed in business formal clothing, she would wear comfortable flip-flops to work and then, once at her desk, exchange the flip-flops for dress shoes. One day as she entered the elevator, the CEO followed her in. She felt embarrassed that he observed her in less than professional footwear. That was the last time she wore flip-flops to work.

• Company time isn’t personal time.

It sounds like you take anywhere from half an hour to an hour to do your personal grooming. Currently, you arrive at work at your start time of 6:00 AM and then spend the next half hour to hour or so of company time—time you are being paid for—on personal grooming. You point out that your boss isn’t at work yet as though this might be a good reason to be able to get away with doing your morning beauty routine. After all, he isn’t there yet and so he doesn’t know you aren’t doing the work you are being paid to do. Not a good idea.

At the very least, if you are set on doing your morning grooming at work, you should discuss your plan with your boss and get his approval. The alternative is he will find out what you have been up to, and you may discover he isn’t very pleased. Tonight, I suggest you set your alarm for 4:00 AM.

The date was going fine, till I said something idiotic. We were in college, and as we stepped outside, dead of winter, Boston, Ellen complained about the cold.

Instead of simply agreeing—it was freezing—I commented about "cold" being very psychological. And relative.

I also may have mentioned Antarctica.

In the shiver of a second, "weather," the easiest ice-breaker in the world, turned into a conversation-killer.

That's no small feat. But Ellen was unimpressed.

Weather, like everything else in life, is both objective & subjective. That's why weather.com gives you both the actual temperature, plus what it "feels like."

I picture a meteorologist at weather.com, trying her best each day to record the precise temp. (Antarctica, -129°F), but always getting pushback: "It can't possibly be -129°," someone argues. "It feels more like -130°."

At work, the split between "actual" and "felt" experience puts communication at risk, like a bad date.

Consider some examples (real):

1) Person A says: The boss wants to see you right away.

B hears: The boss wants to fire me right away.
Actual: The boss has an urgent problem, needs help.

2) A says: This decision is a no-brainer.

B hears: You think I have no brains.
Actual: Let's make this decision and move on.

3) A (the boss) asks: Are you happy here?

B hears: I don't fit in.
Actual: The company wants managers to monitor employee satisfaction.

4) A (returning from a leadership offsite) says: All options are on the table.

B hears: The company's about to go bust.
Actual: The company is exploring new sources of revenue.

5) A says: That's very good work, especially for someone at your level.

B hears: I'm at a very low level, it's embarrassing.
Actual: The work exceeded expectations, especially for a new hire.

6) A (scientist) says: I disagree with your interpretation of the data.

B (scientist) hears: I'm wrong. I'm incompetent.
Actual: There's another way to look at this data.

7) A (the boss) says: If we don't meet our production targets, someone's going to lose their job.

B hears: You're threatening me. (Who wouldn't hear that?)
Actual: Boss was told that his job was in jeopardy.

Tip: Before you get triggered by what someone said, check what she said—it may be different than what you heard.

© Copyright 2012 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. For the last 4 months I have worked as a sales rep for a large furniture chain. In these 4 months I was ranked #71 out of 500 nationwide, and in January and February of this year I sold $157,000 worth of furniture at our store. When I came into work last Thursday I was handed a termination letter from a corporate guy stating I was not honest in the interview. I had not disclosed an arrest that had happened 6 years ago and was dismissed.

I still have my manager as a good reference and am proud of the sales accomplishments I achieved while working there. I also know to be upfront and honest about my background now. Should I list this job on my resume, even though I was terminated?

A. The idiom “The devil is in the details” is vital in your current situation. Based on your description of the interview questions, and the actions taken by the representative from corporate, I asked David Wilson, an employment attorney with Hirsch Roberts Weinstein based in Boston to review the situation.

Attorney Wilson suggests you clarify two important pieces of information. First, did the representative and letter from corporate say you were being terminated because you did not disclose an arrest from 6 years ago? Second, are we clearly talking about arrests and not convictions?

If the answers to these questions are yes, you have a few actions you may want to take. Attorney Wilson explains, you may want to let your former employer know that you believe your firing was illegal. “An employer is not allowed to ask about "arrests" in the employment application and interview process. The Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination (MCAD) has determined that asking about arrests can be evidence of discrimination since statistically, age, race, national origin and gender have more to do with the likelihood that you will be arrested and an arrest is not a conviction.”

“Even if the employer asked the question, illegally, the employee was not required to answer the illegal question truthfully. M.G.L. c. 151B section 4(9) provides that not disclosing an arrest is not perjury. Specifically, the statute states: "No person shall be held under any provision of any law to be guilty of perjury or of otherwise giving a false statement by reason of his failure to recite or acknowledge such information as he has a right to withhold by this subsection." So not disclosing the arrest in an interview is acceptable, and not a reason for termination.

How you handled this situation may help you regain your job if you want to try. You have the support of your manager, and you may choose to use this support to get internal advice about having a conversation which doesn’t begin in an adversarial manner. You can express your sincere sadness at the loss of a job where you were doing so well, and one where you felt committed to the company. You can also let him know you would love to have your job back, and that you believe your termination was made in error based on information you gained about acceptable practices in the interview and the reasons for termination “which human resources may not even be aware of”. You might ask for your manager’s support, and for recommendations about who to go to so that you can discuss this further.

Wherever you are directed, explain the situation and what you learned. Also be clear that your goal is to get your job back.

If the company is not willing to correct its error, there are many employment lawyers who would be willing to take your case.

Q: I have a daughter who is a high school senior. Her guidance counselor often posts your column on the bulletin board outside of his office door to encourage “good choices.”

Also, do colleges check these pages?

A: You are smart to check your daughter’s online profile. Although Facebook is a wonderful social media tool for connecting with others, it can have a darker side. First, beyond the job hunt, your daughter may be communicating information to online predators unknowingly. Talk with your daughter about what she discloses on Facebook. Less is often better.

Employers are increasingly checking online profiles, including Facebook. It is easy to do since accessing a Facebook profile takes seconds. It is important that your daughter’s privacy controls are in place. Employers are trying to gather all the information available on a candidate. If a candidate has several pictures of themselves at parties, drinking beer, etc., then a hiring representative might reconsider extending an offer to this candidate. Any hire is a risk and companies want to mitigate risks. According to Mike Astringer, Founder of Human Capital Consultants, “If a potential employer finds inappropriate material on a social media site chances are good they will use that information in a hiring decision.” A growing number of college admissions officers admit to checking applicants’ Facebook pages. Many feel since it is public domain, it is another piece of information available to them. It is a smart idea for students (and others!) to critically look at their Facebook pages and remove anything that is racier than PG-13. The main profile photo should be positive and professional. A high school graduation photo would be a good choice for your daughter.

In addition to removing salacious photos, all of us need to be aware that the negative comments could have repercussions (especially regarding a college or a prospective employer). Many of us are connecting with colleges and companies. Colleges and employers are able to read these comments and posts.

PS – I hope your daughter’s guidance counselor posts this column outside of his office door!

Q. I work in a modern, open work environment in which several desks are grouped into "pods" defined by fabric-lined dividers. People have conversations, talk on the phone, and go about their business generally without a problem—it just adds up to a sort of productive hum. However, one coworker frequently makes it very difficult to concentrate. His job requires him to spend a lot of time on the phone, and he's blessed with a rich, resonant voice that carries like few others I've ever heard. Unlike most people, he makes no effort to modulate his volume. He also has a habit of holding loud conversations with colleagues in other pods and even routinely plays his phone messages over speakerphone. The rest of us in the office know all the details of his work (and doctor's appointments) and can repeat his standard phone phrases. He seems good at what he does, but he's making it hard for me to be good at what I do! I don't know him personally, and we have different bosses. Any suggestions?

Thanks. I enjoy your column and especially agreed with your call for Congress to improve its work culture in your piece on Olympia Snowe's retirement.

Anonymous

A. We know through studies and our polls at the Emily Post Institute that the number one complaint about office colleagues is loud telephone voice. Your colleague takes it a step farther by being loud in person as well.

I’ve come to the realization that most rudeness isn’t intentional and the person being rude is often not aware that he is being so. The alternative, that the rudeness is intentional, doesn’t make much sense. People simply don’t get up in the morning planning to be rude to others.

Nowhere do you mention that anyone has ever brought the issue of Loud Man’s voice level to his attention. The benevolent place to start is to assume that Loud Man is loud without knowing it. Because you don’t know him personally, you may not be the right person to talk to him. Identify someone among your other colleagues who is Loud Man’s friend, and try to enlist him to talk to him privately . It shouldn’t be an accusatory conversation, but rather a “bringing to your attention” conversation. “John, I wanted to talk to you about something that I hope as a friend you would bring up with me if the situation was reversed. It’s about how loud your voice is in the office. Were you aware you talk loudly?”

It’s important to ask that question to direct Loud Man to focus on his volume and then to get his buy-in to lowering it.

Another avenue to pursue would be to enlist your boss to initiate discussions in staff meetings about distractions in the open office area and how they can affect productivity. She should be specific, and include voice level on the list of culprits. Afterwards, the next time he is loud, someone nearby can suggest, “John, this is what Ms. Jones was talking about. Can you lower the volume? Thanks.”

It's 6 a.m. and Mika looks exasperated.

She co-hosts Morning Joe, a talk show on MSNBC. This morning, Joe, the other co-host, plus assorted guests, are busy eating junk cereal.

I'm on an elliptical machine in my basement, working out and watching all this in a desperate attempt to forget I'm working out.

Usually, Mika and Joe spar about politics. But today they're arguing about Frosted Flakes, Lucky Charms, and Cap'n Crunch.

Mika finally takes all the cereal boxes and dumps them in the trash, at which point Joe says something like, "Don't think I won't take the cereal out of there and eat it."

Why is this so entertaining? I wonder.

Here's one reason: props. Those cereal boxes grab us.

Remember show & tell? Props let you show more, tell less.

When you say, Junk food is good (or bad), that's telling. When you eat Frosted Flakes (or dump them), that's showing.

Showing is visual. Like watching TV, it steals your attention.

You temporarily forget that it's 6 a.m., that you're on an elliptical, and that you'd rather be sleeping, or eating vast quantities of Froot Loops.

That's the problem with most business info: it's abstract and hard to see—even harder to eat, or digest.

(True, you can see PowerPoint slides, but they have their own complications.)

Props solve that problem.

Imagine you're giving a presentation about a predicament that confronts every single organization: different groups/departments don't get each other.

I once coached an executive for a similar presentation.

The exec faced his audience and—without saying a word—took a few water bottles and placed each one on a different table in the room.

No one knew what he was up to; everyone paid attention.

Then he said, "This is the way we work—in silos." He talked about that for a while.

Note: With props, you don't need to be literal. A water bottle, for example, can be anything, even an abstract idea like working in silos.

At the end, he retrieved the bottles and poured all the water into one pitcher. "Break down the barriers," he said.

Tip #1: Break down the barriers that block attention. Try props.

Tip #2: For cereal, try Kashi. But don't eat it, or anything else, in front of your audience. Generally, no one wants to see that.

© Copyright 2012 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Olympia Snowe is just the latest example in politics and business to demonstrate the ugly effects of incivility and why civility matters. She just announced that she is not going to seek another term.

She did not make her decision because she was facing a difficult reelection bid. A USA Today article on February 29 on page 5A explained: “She last won re-election in 2006 with 74% of the vote. ‘I have no doubt I would have won re-election,’ she said in a statement.”

Instead, the article goes on to explain that the reason she gives for stepping down is a frustration with the “polarization and partisanship that has overtaken Washington—and the Senate, in particular. ‘I do not realistically expect the partisanship of recent years in the Senate to change over the short term,’ she said, adding that she would seek opportunities outside of the Senate to encourage civility in government. ‘It is time for change in the way we govern.’”

In a nutshell, that’s the problem with incivility. At a certain point, people simply say, “No more. I don’t have to put up with caustic, vitriolic, negative behavior.” And they disengage, refuse to serve, quit their jobs.

It’s not just in politics that incivility is causing a problem. In business today it is costly to replace a worker. There’s downtime between the time a person leaves and a qualified replacement is hired. There’s a learning curve for the replacement before she achieves the same level of productivity as the person who left. The whole process can take upwards of a year, a year of lost productivity coupled with the costs of hiring a new person and paying that person as she becomes proficient at her job. While businesses don’t expect to keep a worker from leaving for a good reason—a better position, a relocation—good businesses ensure that employees don’t leave for preventable reasons. But when a person leaves because of a preventable reason, such as incivility, that should be unacceptable.

And it should be unacceptable to the American public. That uncivil atmosphere of the past few years is reflected in Congress’ approval rating that has steadily declined and hit a new record low of 11% in December 2011. It is time to demand from Congress—the House and the Senate—civil behavior. Incivility has little to do with partisan politics and much to do with the culture tolerated by the leadership of an institution. I can accept any elected official’s decision to return to private life; what is unacceptable to me is a resignation caused by the contentious and uncivil atmosphere in Congress.

People leaving their jobs or as in Senator Snowe’s situation refusing to serve in an uncivil environment is too costly a result for a reason that should be and is preventable. And rudeness and incivility in the workplace are preventable. Prevention begins by changing the workplace culture and that means change must be embraced from the top down. That change is grounded in three powerful principles that should govern interactions in the workplace: be considerate, be respectful, and be honest.

Change in the uncivil atmosphere pervading Congress is needed now, before we lose any more senators or representatives for a totally preventable reason. It’s time for the Congressional leadership to recognize that the current culture is toxic and to take responsibility for restoring civility in our House and in our Senate.

Q: I've been at my present job for just over 5 years. My issue is this: my boss never talks to me. I realize this sounds strange, but other than "good morning" she says nothing. She'll make a point of saying "good night" to people in the office, by name, but walks right by my desk & says nothing. I'm 48, and have been in the workforce for well over 25 years, and don't want to sound paranoid, but it makes for an uncomfortable situation. Should I read more into this, or just chalk it up to the fact that she doesn't like me and try not to care?

A: Good grief, as Charlie Brown would say. Generally, employees in the working world understand that the exchange of basic greetings are a professional courtesy and almost expected. Greeting others is a professional norm.

Your question raises more questions for me, rather than one single answer. My questions are as follows:

1. Do you make an effort to say “Have a good evening?” or “How was your day off?” After all, building a rapport is a two-way street.
2. Has your boss always been like this? Or is this behavior new?
3. What about during the day? Is your boss more responsive or friendlier? Or not?
4. When you are in meeting with your boss, does she treat you differently or the same as others?
5. How is your performance? Has she raised concerns about the quality or quantity of your work?

My guess is that your boss is probably an introvert. Communicating pleasantries is probably difficult for her. She may find it difficult to engage in even the most basic “small talk.” It is probably not directed at you personally. You do want to ensure though that your boss' behavior is not a smoke screen for her inability to confront concerns about your performance. A lot of managers struggle with how to confront performance issues in a tactful and professional manner. So... I would ask her in a private conference room or office. "Hey Mary, how do you think I am doing in my role as accounts payable specialist?"

Assuming there is no performance issue raised, it sounds like you need to make a decision. Can you tolerate this behavior and her work style? Or is it so difficult that you will decide to look for other opportunities? We all have different tolerance levels for impolite behavior. Some of us can live with more of this than others.

A note to supervisors and managers: your employees notice the efforts you make (or don't make) in connecting with them. The exchange of basic pleasantries can build a culture of collegiality and acceptance. It is an easy way to make employees feel welcome and valued.

Recently, one of the first items I saw on my morning news feed was “Adele turns tables on TV execs with finger gesture.” This comes on the heels of M.I.A. making the same gesture during a performance of Madonna’s new single Give Me All Your Luvin during the Super Bowl half-time show.

Gestures and verbal swearing are a pervasive part of today’s communication repertoire. Etiquette, as you would expect, frowns on these means of communicating. But it’s not just polite society that frowns on it. During my business etiquette seminars I point out that swearing is becoming a bigger and bigger negative issue in the workplace, one that could even get you fired. A 2008 Ladders.com survey found that 70% of executives would fire an employee for an etiquette-based offense, and the top named offense was swearing.

The real question here is: Why is swearing or flipping the bird a problem? The answer: It’s a direct frontal assault on the recipient of the expletive. People don’t like to be attacked, and swearing, as well as their gestural counterparts, is a form of attack. When an action can be classified as something other people consider hostile, threatening, aggressive, or offensive, then etiquette tends to say, “Don’t do it. It’s rude, and it’s disrespectful.”

There’s another equally valid reason not to fire an F-bomb or flip the bird. It puts the focus on you and your reaction, rather than on the possible offensive or annoying thing that triggered it. Take Adele for instance. She actually had a good reason to be frustrated. The “suits”, as she referred to them, decided they had to cut her off because the show was out of time before she was finished. Unfortunately for her, instead of keeping the focus on the foolish decision of the suits, the focus immediately turned to Adele’s bird flip. Instead of the lead-in stories being about the award she won, the lead was the bird she flipped. In fact, she had to apologize to the audience, making sure they understood her gesture wasn’t meant for them: “I'm sorry if I offended anyone, but it was the suits that offended me,” Adele said. “Thank you all very much, and thanks to my fans. I don't want them to think I was swearing at them.”

Same for Madonna and the M.I.A. situation. That one gesture is what people remember and talk about. A few days later Madonna felt compelled to voice her annoyance at M.I.A.’s gesture when she told Ryan Seacrest: “I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t happy about it. I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy and positivity, it seemed negative.”

Instead of their accomplishments and their performance, the attention was on a gesture. When you drop an F-bomb or flip the bird, it’s all about the word and the gesture, and neither reflects positively on you.

Every day—even if you work at home—you present yourself. The minute you pick up the phone and say "Hello," that's a presentation.

And what you're presenting, always, is your attitude, which others experience as positive energy, negative energy, or no energy.

"I can't have a bad day," says CEO Joseph J. Plumeri.

"If I walk into a meeting," he says, "and I'm grumpy—not good . . . You simply can't have that one off day that's bad, because you're going to affect a lot of people" (NY Times, 12/5/09).

Attitude is viral. We know that.

But, like the Dunkin Donuts commercial, we sometimes wake up wrong. We wake up weary. It's too early and it's too dark—but too bad. Time to make the donuts.

Is your morning tense? The typical morning involves:

1) An alarm clock. I use one, and every time it goes off—I'm alarmed.

I'm also alarmed by the possibility it won't go off.

2) Rush hour. You've probably engineered your morning with split second precision. That means, no time.

Rush hour begins the second you step out of bed.

3) World news. Let's face it, the news is not good.

Typical headline: Yesterday, something bad happened. Tomorrow, something worse. Stay tuned.

4) Your personal news. Everyone's got at least 2-3 concerns (health, financial, family, relationship, automotive) that they wake up into.

My current concern is my house, which my wife and I recently sold. That's good, but we haven't yet bought another.

And the couple who bought our house expect a great deal. I worry, for example, that they actually expect us to pack up and move out.

Where are we going? I wonder.

Well, right now, we're going to work. But first, you and I need to warm up. We need to adjust our attitude.

How? Lots of options—exercise, music, meditation. I do these things, even though that sometimes requires a 4:30 a.m. start.

But here's a 30-second one: laugh. (Sounds odd, I agree, and it's probably the last thing you feel like doing.)

Laugh for no reason. Laugh aloud, or laugh silently, in the shower, or on your way to work.

Laugh at yourself. Laugh at your predicament: "I have no house, ha, ha, ha."

A physician in India, Dr. Madan Kataria, has been promoting the health benefits of laughing for many years. (Technically, you don't need to laugh for many years. A few seconds should suffice.)

There are now 6,000 laughter clubs in 60 countries. I'm not part of this movement, nor is laughing-for-no-reason my usual practice.

But every once in a while, I find it useful. Especially when I'm in no mood.

Tip: Before you start work, warm up.

© Copyright 2012 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q: I interviewed with a company in early January. After I left the HR Rep’s office, I could overhear a conversation that she was having with the hiring manager. I took my time putting my coat on. I heard them talking about my candidacy. Specifically, they mentioned my email address (which is hotxxxx@xxxx.com) and the manner in which I was dressed. They were extremely critical. These are not qualifications for the job. I don’t get it. Do they want me to dress like a librarian?

A: Your question raises several different issues, all worth further discussion and comment. First, it sounds like the HR professional needs a more private space to discuss candidates. Second, these comments were not intended to be heard by you but it sounds like you lingered hoping to hear more.

I don’t know any of the specifics about your skills, the company, the role of interest or the work environment or industry. However, I will assume it is a professional work environment where there is an expected “dress code” at least for candidates.

Candidates should ALWAYS look professional. In most cases, what you wear out to a club on a Saturday night is not the same attire you would wear to an interview. It is better to err on the side of conservatism rather than dress flamboyantly. I don’t know how you were dressed but obviously it caught their attention, and not in the most positive way.

Your email address also sends a message about you as a candidate. Recently, I was a panelist with some of the best recruitment brains in Boston. “New Year, New Job” was a panel hosted by Ed Nathanson, Director of Talent Acquisition at Rapid7. Rapid7 is growing by leaps and bounds. One of the topics the panel discussed was a candidate’s choice of email. When you use an email that is racy, inappropriate or salacious, you are sending a message about your professionalism. Some job coaches recommend that you use one email address that is exclusively reserved for your job search. It should be simple and professional, like jsmith@internetprovider.com. It should never give the HR person a moment of pause or distraction.

It sounds like you received some difficult feedback while you were leaving that interview. I know it is hard to digest. However, it might be an opportunity to learn and improve your candidacy for the next role.

At a recent seminar we were discussing rudeness in the workplace. A hand shot up. One of the participants lamented the unfriendly tone she notices in emails. What, she wanted to know, is going on with people who write emails that seem to be so rude.

Tone matters. And email writers often underestimate the tone their writing takes on. When you talk on the phone with a person, they hear inflection and other clues that help transmit the tone of your words. When you speak face-to-face with a person, he has all the visual clues from your facial expressions and body language to help understand the tone of your words. What can be said sarcastically in person, and therefore is understood to be joking, can seem downright rude when just the words are seen on the screen.

Studies have shown that if you write something you think is positive in tone, the recipient will think it is neutral in tone. And when you write a message that you think is neutral in tone, the recipient takes it as negative in tone.

The difficult thing for you, as the writer, is that you don’t hear the tone in your words when you are writing or when you read the words back to yourself silently. So, what do you do when you are writing a difficult email or responding to someone who has been rude and you don’t want to respond in kind? How do you protect your messages from being interpreted negatively?

1) What's the evidence?

A former CEO of Sunbeam used to throw orange juice containers at his subordinates.

But it wasn't personal. That was just him.

Compare notes with your colleagues. Possible good news: your manager doesn't hate you, she hates everyone.

2) Has the relationship changed?

Maybe your boss used to give you considerable autonomy but now second-guesses everything.

Or, you're suddenly out of the loop: your boss no longer asks for input, keeps you informed, or invites you to meetings.

Another red flag: change in body language. She's not yet chasing you around the office with a tomahawk, but she's also not smiling. And she no longer looks you in the eye.

Ok, there's a problem.

3) What's your contribution to the problem?

Let's assume it's not you—I'm sure it's not. On the other hand, it's probably not 100% the boss, 0% you.

Imagine you're her. What are your priorities? Pressures?

Also (as the boss), what's your style? Do you prefer getting updates in writing, or face-to-face. Big picture or detail? Are you emotionally expressive or poker-faced?

Empathize with your manager.

4) Can you flex your style?

Suppose your boss is terse, you're not. Time to flex. Next time you talk, deliver your message in 30 seconds.

5) Is there a performance issue?

Let's find out.

Invite your boss for coffee and ask for feedback.

"On a 1-10 scale," you could ask, "how am I doing at meeting your expectations?" Or, "how could I make your life easier?"

These are good questions, even if everything is peachy.

Listen non-defensively, and thank the boss. Then, make some changes and check back.

6) What do you expect?

Part of managing your boss is managing your expectations.

Perhaps you expect too much reassurance and attention.

"Your Boss Is Not Your Mother" is the title of several books on Amazon. You probably don't need to read them all, just keep the title in mind.

7) Suppose the problem isn't fixable?

Bad situation. You can stick with it—bosses come and go, you may outlast yours.

But don't count on it. Activate your network. Activate your Plan B.

And fortify yourself. Stay healthy—with or without the orange juice.

© Copyright 2012 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Just this week during a visit with my father, I happened to catch the end of Wheel of Fortune. On a couple of occasions, I’ve seen Pat Sajak, the emcee, bring up an etiquette issue. Thank you, Pat

This time he let loose with an etiquette pet peeve that struck home with me. He asked, rhetorically, what the deal is with people who respond to a sincere thank you by saying “No problem.”

I couldn’t agree with him more. A thank you is an expression of appreciation one person offers another. To respond “No problem” is to shrug off this acknowledgment as really being undeserved and not meriting a thank you. It’s like saying, “It was nothing” or “Forget it.” I think that whatever prompted the “Thank you” was more than nothing and deserves a more positive response than “No problem.” Here’s why: Too often we ignore or dismiss a “Thank you.” Saying “No problem” is one of the most common ways it’s done. Nobody likes to be dismissed.

All of this brings me to the real point here. I’ve written about the importance of saying “Thank you” and writing thank you notes in previous columns. As important as it is for one person to say “Thank you” to another, it is equally important for the person being thanked to acknowledge the “Thank you” sincerely. And the friendliest, nicest, most sincere response is “You’re welcome.”

By saying “You’re welcome,” a person shows she has heard the “Thank you” and appreciates the recognition given by the person saying it.

One of my own pet peeves in this arena is people who respond to a “Thank you” by saying “No, thank you” with the emphasis on “you.”

Huh? What did I do to deserve your thanks? When I hear this response to a “Thank you,” I wonder if the person is trying to trump my thank you with theirs.

If you want to return the “Thank you,” there’s an easy way to do this. First acknowledge that you’ve heard it and appreciate it by saying “You’re welcome.” Then, having done that, you can say, “And thank you, too. I really appreciate …” By first acknowledging the other person’s thanks, you are taking a moment to focus on what they have said and showing them that you appreciate their gesture. You are showing them a measure of respect. Then you can offer them your thanks as well, and it, too, becomes a sincere demonstration of your appreciation of them.

Q. My boss has recently started telling employees that no one can call in sick without a doctor's note. My employer does not offer insurance so I have absolutely no coverage and make too much for Mass Health. I cannot afford to pay for a doctor's visit just to get a note. I very rarely call in sick, and I do not get paid sick days or vacation time. Can she legally fire me for calling in without a doctor's note for one missed day?

A. Employers who are frustrated with some employees’ bad behavior often resort to broad statements to deal with all employees, which is not an effective management strategy. Employers want employees to show up for work, which is a reasonable expectation. And people do get sick, which needs to be understood, and accommodated at work. Employers want to prevent abuse of unplanned time off, which has a negative impact on the organization and the work which needs to be completed.

This practice does seem extreme, yet it is an enforceable practice, which can put your job at risk should you not comply. When managers create “rules” that are difficult for good employees to follow, I encourage people to talk to the manager in a non-confrontational manner, just as you did by asking your question. If the manager can’t provide a reasonable answer, you should take your concern to human resources, and ask them to explain the new policy, explain your concerns about the cost of getting a doctor’s note, and the fact that your record shows you do not abuse sick time.

A small number of sick days can be a nuisance for an employer, while recurring sick time is a challenge to any manager and organization. The need for sick time by employees with recurring illness is real. To further understand the issues relating to sick time, I consulted Attorney David Conforto of the Conforto Law Group based in Boston. “The practice of requiring a doctor's note as a condition of taking a sick day may violate the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). Any sick days that you take will trigger protection under FMLA if the time off in question is needed because of a serious medical condition. For FMLA to apply the employee must have worked at least 1,250 hours in the preceding 12 month period and the company must employ at least 50 workers within 75 miles. Under FMLA, employees are entitled to 12 weeks off per year, which can be taken on an intermittent basis”.

Attorney Conforto notes that “Those who suffer from autoimmune ailments like Crohn's disease or lupus, for instance, sometimes experience flare-ups necessitating the need to take sick time. If you suffer from a serious health condition, which from time-to-time forces you to miss work, it is advisable to complete FMLA certification documentation so that any sick days caused by your medical condition will trigger FMLA protection.”

Under FMLA, the employer may request documentation from your treating physician re-certifying your eligibility for FMLA leave which man only occur every 30 days. Unless there are significant changes in your condition, your physician can complete the re-certification without a formal visit. A request for a doctor's note following an absence would likely be considered a request for re-certification. The employee must have at least 15 calendar days to respond to the request unless it is impracticable to do so.
Many doctor’s will provide a note regarding illness for a regular patient without charging for an office visit. The increase in health care costs may end up eliminating this practice if more employers require documentation. 60 % of employers currently provide paid sick time, with employees in the service industry being least likely to have paid sick time. Some states are now introducing legislation to require some amount of paid sick time for employees.

Q: I lost my job in December 2011. However (after reminding my previous employer), I was not reimbursed for my unused vacation time until January 2012. The check for the vacation time shows a pay period of 12/5/11-12/19/11 and the date of the check was 1/18/12.

Today I received my W-2 in the mail and the check for my unused vacation time was not included on it. Because I have not worked there in 2012, and these monies should have been disbursed in 2011, shouldn't it be included on the 2011 W-2?

A: When an employee separates from a company, there are often many loose ends that need to be addressed. Often times, many employees have questions about final paychecks and benefits. Questions about vacation payouts for unused but accrued vacation time are common as well. Company policies can vary on vacation usage, how vacation time accrues and how vacation time is earned.

I consulted Dan Mayton, District Manager of Paylocity. According to Mayton, "All payroll reporting (including data for W-2s), is based on when the employee is actually paid (or the check date) for the wages, not necessarily the period in which the wages were earned." Because you were paid in 2012 for your unused vacation time, it makes sense that you received a 2012 W-2 for these wages.

Mayton adds, "If you were terminated, you should have been paid for all wages owed to you (including unused but accrued vacation time) on your last active date of employment. However, if you resigned, your wages would have been due to you on the next regular pay day."

I have made two assumptions: 1. that you were employed in Massachusetts and 2. that you were terminated because you state that you "lost your job." Your former employer should have paid you for your unused but accrued vacation on your last date of employment. However, it sounds like you did receive an accurate check in mid-January of 2012. It is unfortunate that you had to remind your previous employer about these monies owed to you. From what you shared in your question, I have assumed that your former employer did send you a check for the full amount that you expected to receive.

If you wanted to file a wage claim against your former employer, you could certainly explore that option with an employment attorney.

Free advice, samples or demonstrations are part of growing a small business but at some point enough is enough. As an etiquette resource if someone kept calling you asking questions about seating arrangements or business customs for various countries, at some point you would have to tell this person, "If you'd like to hire to me to provide a seminar on this topic, I'd love to work with you." And then something to the effect of you can't just keep giving free advice because this is how you make your living. What's the best way to handle these types of inquiries? What if they offer to barter for your services, but that situation really doesn't work well for you? Is it appropriate to set a limit after their first or second call? How can one defuse a situation when the requester gets angry or insulted? When a price is quoted for services, how can one discourage haggling?

M. M., Portland, OR

There's a Yin and a Yang to free advice. At the Emily Post Institute, we balance free with paid advice: free in the form of the Etipedia and the Etiquette Daily blog. The etipedia is what it sounds like: an online encyclopedia of etiquette information. The blog is our online community where people can post a question and the community, led by several moderators, provides the advice. We use these "public," "free" options to help direct the questions that would otherwise overburden us on a daily basis. Web sites and blogs provide an excellent avenue to balance giving a service for free with getting paid for it. Paid advice comes in the form of our books and seminars. Interestingly, we believe providing the free avenues of advice doesn't discourage people from buying a book or attending a seminar.

When you encounter the person who seeks more than a quick answer or has numerous questions, your words are an excellent solution: "It sounds as if you have a lot of questions on this topic. If you'd like to hire to me to provide a seminar on this topic, I'd love to work with you." The best way to handle these inquiries is positively and confidently. You absolutely can and should be willing to set a limit and to end the conversation when you feel you are providing too much information for free.

Bartering is a personal decision. If you are uncomfortable with it, then say so, again politely and confidently.

Haggling occurs only if you let it. "John, thanks for the offer, but I don't provide discounts. My price is ?"

In all these situations the key is: It's not if you do it, it's how you do it. Politely and confidently will yield the best results. Even if the other person becomes angry, don?t respond in kind. If necessary, end the conversation. "I'm sorry John, I appreciate your interest, but I really need to go now. Good bye."

Right now, one of your employees—let's call him Bob—has spinach between his teeth, metaphorically speaking.

Someone needs to tell him.

Here are three possible problems, plus three extra-strength techniques:

1) Bob can't hear the feedback. You think you're talking about a little piece of spinach, but Bob thinks his entire identity is under attack and gets defensive.

Use the evil twin technique.

Say: "Bob, this (the performance issue) is so UNLIKE YOU. What happened?"

That allows Bob to preserve self-esteem, while he agrees with you that the problem was an outlier and won't happen again.

Unfortunately, sometimes you can't blame the evil twin because Bob's behavior is EXACTLY like Bob.

But you can still make the feedback easier to hear.

Say: "Bob, unless we fix this, it's going to derail your career. You're much too important to the organization, and to me, for us to let that happen."

2) Bob doesn't understand it.

Your feedback is unclear—probably because it's too general.

Use the video camera technique. Be specific.

Stick to what Bob did or didn't do, said or didn't say—concrete behavior that, if you made a movie about Bob, anyone in their right mind, even Bob, would observe it.

Bad: "You were unprofessional at the client meeting."

("Unprofessional" is an interpretation, not observable behavior. There are 1001 ways to be unprofessional.)

Still bad: "You seemed highly agitated." (You can't see agitation.)

Better: "I noticed you gulped down 10 pills the size of horse tranquilizers. Then you galloped out of the meeting. Later, I heard some whinnying."

3) Bob doesn't know what to do about it.

The whole purpose of feedback is to influence the future. The past is dead. If you only talk about the past, that's criticism.

Criticism sounds bad: "Bob, you screwed this up, you screwed that up, you screwed everything up. You're a screw-up!"

That's a tough message to motivate with.

Use future-focused feedback. Be the coach who pulls a player off the field, whispers a few words of advice and encouragement, then sends him back out.

Say these three key words: "The next time . . .

Tip: Make sure your feedback is heard, understood, and actionable.

© Copyright 2012 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

My boss sent me a request for a recommendation via LinkedIn. She has been extremely difficult to work with, and I can’t think of a single nice thing to say about her. How should I respond?

M. C., Flushing, NY

Your boss has put you into a decidedly awkward. While it’s possible she requested a recommendation only from you, it’s more likely you are part of a group of people she has contacted. Some will respond, others won’t.

People on LinkedIn utilize the recommendations feature to enhance their profiles. Users can solicit recommendations from other users. The end result: Some people have no recommendations, some have a few, and others have many recommendations.

There is no requirement in being a part of LinkedIn that obliges you to provide a recommendation if you are asked for one. The vexing issue you face is that the request is from your boss. Now you’re between the proverbial rock and hard place: You are concerned how she might react if you choose not to provide a recommendation, but you also don’t want to provide a positive recommendation which would be untruthful. For obvious reasons you also don’t want to say something negative. Essentially, you feel you don’t have any good option. In the final analysis, my advice is simply to ignore her request. Remember, within the LinkedIn community not responding to a recommendation request is an accepted, if not quite appropriate, way to respond. If she blasted out a bunch of requests, she may not even notice your lack of response among the many she has solicited.

If she targeted only you, then she probably will notice when she doesn’t see a response. If that’s the case, be prepared to talk with her if she asks you why. Instead of brutally dumping on her, “Because I hate you!” try a softer approach: “I didn’t respond because I think it’s awkward for any employee to give a recommendation for a boss. People might question the sincerity of my comments. I think it’s best if I don’t provide a recommendation.”

In general there is nothing wrong with seeking recommendations from other LinkedIn users. However, if you are a boss or manage others, seeking recommendations from people who work for you isn’t a good practice. People will question why an employee is writing a recommendation for a boss, and it puts your reports in an awkward position if they don’t want to write something positive about you.

During a recent seminar at a college, students wanted to know whether or not their Facebook page impacts them in their job search.

The short answer is: yes, it does impact you. Everything you do or have done can impact you. The Internet, especially Facebook, has simply made it easier to look at you as a whole person.

Companies want to know as much as possible about applicants before they make a final choice. They know your skills from your education and your past work experience. What they don’t know as readily is what you are like as a person. Will you fit their corporate culture? Is the “you” you presented in an interview accurate and trustworthy?

Social media offers important glimpses into you as a person: How you present yourself; what you say about yourself; what images you show on your page. Do you talk about your work life? If so, what do you say and how would it sound to another person?

What other people say and show about you are equally important. Photos in particular can make or break you. I know of one young gentleman who was asked in for an interview. The interviewer requested they visit his Facebook page together. The young man was embarrassed to see a picture a friend had posted and tagged with his name. He had fallen asleep on the beach and his friends had thought it would be a good joke to surround him with empty beer bottles, take his photo and post it. Clearly not the image he wanted to present.

Before beginning the job search, take time to review the content on your pages. Even better, have others review it for you to make sure you are presenting yourself in the best terms possible. It’s better not to hide parts of your image through privacy settings but instead to keep your page clean in the first place. You want to be okay owning everything on your page should people you aren’t friended with see it.

Check regularly for information or photos that others may have posted about you. If you find a photo in which you are tagged that makes you uncomfortable, contact the person who posted it and request, firmly if necessary, that they remove the photo. At the very least, untag the photo so it doesn’t come up in any searches of you. Checking this once isn’t enough, especially during the job search. Do it regularly, and again just prior to any interviews, so you can be sure your image is the best it can possibly be if an interviewer wants to look at your page with you. It’s okay to have a personal life, but your personal life shouldn’t be so incongruous with your work life that people question your trustworthiness or judgment.

I was leading a management workshop one day when, suddenly, a huge TV fell on my head.

It didn't just fall out of nowhere. The TV was on a tall stand, which I was moving to the side when the whole thing tipped over.

Not to brag, but usually you have to be about 8 years old to pull off this trick.

The TV was heavy and knocked me to the floor. The workshop stopped for a few minutes while I dusted myself off. I felt embarrassed.

"Large objects," I remember thinking, "should never fall on your head in the middle of a workshop."

Oh well. It's easy to lose your balance—in presenting, and in life.

When presenting, some people twist themselves into a pretzel. That's not a good look. Too unstable.

(Instead: stand with your feet shoulder-length apart, and your weight equally balanced. Breathe from your belly. Also, if possible, avoid head wounds.)

But even the pros fall.

Top fashion model, Jessica Stam, tripped while walking down a Paris runway. "I fell and got back up," she told the Wall Street Journal. "It happens, and it's no big deal."

Franklin Roosevelt, paralyzed from the waist down since age 39, fell while being helped to the stage at the 1936 Democratic Convention. The papers of his speech went flying.

"Clean me up," he told his aides, "and keep your feet off those damned sheets" (from "FDR," by Jean Edward Smith).

Moments later, Roosevelt was at the podium, telling a live audience of 100,000 that they had "a rendezvous with destiny."

Most hadn't noticed his stumble.

Tip: Life knocks you down. We all know that. The call is to get back up.

Best wishes for 2012—and the challenges, known and unknown, that await.

© Copyright 2012 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

I have worked at the same law firm for nearly 11 years now. I have received a bonus from my boss every year in December and in June, respectively. These bonuses are part of my pay; they are not gifts. On bonus day, I simply smile and say thank you and place my check in my purse. About a year and a half ago, we hired a part-time assistant. She has become very helpful and we like her, and plan to keep her employed. This year after she received her Christmas bonus, she sent a thank you card addressed to my boss and his wife (who is in no way associated with our office), at the office address, thanking him for his generosity. I feel like this was a little bit of overkill buttock-kissing on her part. Am I wrong? Is an employee supposed to send a thank you card to his or her boss after receiving a work bonus that is a part of his or her pay, which was promised to the employee at the time of hire? Please set me straight if I am incorrect, as I do not wish to appear rude or ungrateful, because I do appreciate receiving my pay as promised. Thanks!

L. A., Lake City, MI

I’m thinking you’re concerned her gesture of “buttock-kissing” is putting you in an awkward position because you didn’t write a thank you note. Now you’re worried because your assistant has done something, sent a thank you note, which raises the ante for showing appreciation for the bonus. You think that because the bonus was a promised part of your salary that it doesn’t deserve a note. And that is the crux of the problem. Is a thank you note “deserved?”

I’d give your assistant the benefit of the doubt and ascribe her choice to write a thank you note to being part of her understanding of how to show appreciation as opposed to unbridled “buttock-kissing.” It’s also quite possible that her bonus was based on merit, profit, or generosity and not an expected part of her overall compensation. I’d also give her this benefit of the doubt because apparently she is doing the work she was hired to do efficiently and well or you wouldn’t be planning to keep her employed. If she made any mistake here, it was including your boss’s wife in her thanks. Best to keep the work and social worlds separate.

When you received your bonus, you smiled and thanked your boss. Well done. That is all you “needed” to do. You expressed your appreciation when the bonus was given. You followed a pattern you have established over time. You don’t need to feel compelled to do more in the future, nor do you need to feel upstaged by the assistant if she continues to express her thanks in a note rather than just verbally.

I’d let this issue pass.

Yesterday, I was at a lunch meeting. After I’d finished eating (I wasn’t the only one who had finished), one of my bosses asked me if I wanted more. I said “No thank you. I’m finished.” My boss said, “You eat so little!” (I had actually eaten more than a full plateful.) My other boss then said, “That’s why she’s so skinny. She doesn’t eat as much as we do.” I get uncomfortable when people comment on my being skinny, and this isn’t the first time my boss has made a comment like this. I don’t really like these comments in general, but it seems especially distasteful coming from my superior. Is there something I can say next time she says something like this to indicate that I don’t appreciate her observations?

M. C., Flushing, NY

The temptation is to fire back a sharp response like, “And by looking at you, I’m so glad I don’t eat as much as you do!” That’s why I counsel people to think first before acting. While the smart retort can give you immediate gratification (“That’ll show them to make comments about me”), if the person on the receiving end doesn’t take it well, the relationship suffers. In your case the other people are your bosses, so refraining from making the sharp response is a good idea.

That said, you then have two choices. You could grin and bear it. At work, especially dealing with bosses, there’s a time to complain about behavior and a time to let it slide. Certainly, their comments are frustrating and inappropriate, but you have to ask yourself if trying to stop them is worth the effort you’ll have to undertake to make your point.

If you choose to say something, timing as well as words matters. You could try making your case on the spot, but that can backfire. People’s first inclination when challenged about rudeness is to deny it or defend themselves rather than to actually listen to you. Therefore, rather than saying something at the table where your comments may backfire, talk with your bosses one-on-one, in private. You’ll have a better chance of success. When you meet, be careful not to attack the boss, but to address the situation and how it affects you. “Ms. Smith, thank you for seeing me. Something came up at lunch today, and I wanted to touch base with you about it. It’s about the comments about me being skinny. I know it may seem like good-natured banter, but it’s happened a couple of times and makes me uncomfortable. I hope you understand.”

Real estate agent #1 hates the red tiles in our foyer. She tells us that right away.

(My wife and I are staying in Boston, but attempting to sell our house—for the second time. We're interviewing agents.)

"These tiles—they're the first thing you see," she says. She looks very unhappy.

Everyone knows the power of first impressions. I used to train salespeople on this challenge.

When you walk into someone's office for a sales call or a job interview, how do you start strong?

Generally, it's not by insulting the other person's flooring.

Sincere compliments work better. You might comment on the building, or the view, or simply thank them for accommodating your schedule.

Agent #2, within minutes of arriving, says she's obligated to read a disclosure form, as if informing us of our Miranda rights.

My wife, meanwhile, is leading the way upstairs. But this agent doesn't budge. She seems glued to the red tiles. I used to like those tiles.

So she reads the form, but sounds scripted and inflexible.

Do you ever sound that way?

Adapt to the other person. If the other person talks fast, speed up; if they like small talk, chit-chat; if they seem no-nonsense, follow suit.

Agents #3 & 4, a couple, show up on our doorstep, uninvited.

I'm not the sort of person who lets strangers into my house, unless it's at gunpoint.

But this couple is well-dressed and well-mannered—armed only with a unique selling proposition: "We've got some innovative and aggressive ways to market your house."

That's exactly what we're looking for. And knocking on our door—which no other agent has done, even though it's public knowledge that our first listing expired—demonstrates boldness.

Can you demonstrate what you're selling?

For example, if you say you're innovative, prepare some examples and testimonials of your creativity and, just as important, act that way. Walk in as if you're already on the job.

Well, I'd like to report that we hired the plucky couple, but we didn't. Turns out, they were long on flair but short on experience.

Also, their company name, "Depart Realty," focused on the seller's concern (leaving), not the buyer's (arriving).

Their yard sign, "DEPART!" implied, "Get Me Out of Here!"

And if a buyer came to the house, that's what she'd see. Even before the tiles.

Tip: In high-stakes meetings, sometimes all you get is a few seconds. Send a powerful message, immediately.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

This year rather than mailing holiday cards, my employer is e-mailing holiday cards. The company isn’t a technology company, it’s a structural engineering firm. Is emailing holiday cards to business contacts (some of whom you have close client relationships with), regardless of what sector/business field you are in accepted all around?

S. K., Union City, CA

In today’s business world there is nothing inherently wrong with a business sending e-cards instead of mailed holiday cards. In fact, from an environmental point of view, it can be the right choice for the company’s image. Yes, there are recycled cards available as well, but a paperless card, an e-card, does make an environmental statement.

The company doesn’t have to be a technology company to send an e-card. Any company, large or small can do it.

The choice of mailed cards versus e-cards really rests with a couple of competing considerations. One of the most important benefits of a mailed card is its staying power. After it is opened, it is posted in a lobby or reception area where people are repeatedly reminded of the sender. An e-card is viewed on screen by the recipient and then not seen again unless it is printed and displayed with the cards received in the mail. Yet, how many companies make the effort to print the cards and post them? (And of course, one could argue that in printing them, the environmental argument, as well as the cost-saving argument, is weakened.)

Another benefit to the mailed card is that they can be signed personally by the whole staff at a small business or by the appropriate contact(s) for a larger firm. Adding a short note or sentiment makes the greeting all the more personal, especially for those with whom there is a close client relationship.

A mailed card carries both the cost of the card itself and the forty-four cent stamp needed to send it, so sending an e-card certainly is less expensive. Those savings can really add up as the size of the firm and the number of cards being sent escalates.

Each company needs to decide for itself what its best option is in choosing between the two. And perhaps some businesses will send a general e-card, but also send a mailed card when a more personal touch is warranted. In the end, the choice comes down to image. A company focused on savings and environmental concerns will opt for an e-card. A company viewing the card as part of it’s marketing strategy, where being seen and appreciated repeatedly is important, will opt for a mailed card.

Thank you for your column in the Boston Globe about saying "Thank you.” I find that an honest rendition of those two words merits much in return.

Could you please address the regrettable habit that has sprung up, that of a reply of "No problem" as opposed to "You're welcome?" I am routinely getting this answer, particularly from the younger set, particularly from people whom I have just thanked for doing their job, the one they get paid for! "No problem" sounds insincere and insouciant. Of course I am 72 years old, so perhaps this is a change I should learn to accept. I hope not!

S. C., Oak Bluffs, MA

You’re welcome, Sara.

Unfortunately, that phrase seems to have disappeared from our language. How often do you hear it as opposed to how often you hear someone replying to a “thank you,” by saying, “Oh, no, thank you.” Whenever I hear that return “Thank you,” all I can think is, “Why are you trumping my ‘Thank you’ with your ‘Thank you?’”

When you respond to a “Thank you” with “You’re welcome,” you are acknowledging the thanks and letting the person know you appreciate it. To say nothing when someone says “Thank you” to you is the equivalent of ignoring the person, and nobody likes to be ignored.

If you really do want to thank someone in return, saying “You’re welcome; and thank you, too” is the best solution. Saying “You’re welcome” first removes any implication that you are simply dismissing the person’s “Thank you” by not acknowledging it.

“No problem” has wormed its way into the normal dialogue we experience with each other. I hear it from all ages of people, not just young people, and I’m inclined to accept it as part of our language today. That said, the same advice holds true for a “No problem” or “It’s nothing” response to a “Thank you.” Precede it with a “You’re welcome,” and now it works perfectly well as a response.

So, today, tomorrow, the next day, take a moment to think about how you’ll respond the next time someone says “Thank you” to you. Try bringing back “You’re welcome” as the first thing you’ll say in acknowledging the “Thank you.” You’ll put a smile on the other person’s face, and that is the real point.

Scenario #1: Sweat

The CEO of your company summons you to her office. “Is this a high performance organization?” she asks.

You start to sweat.

It's a tough question, despite being strongly recommended by a CEO in a recent newspaper interview.

Apart from scaring people, the question is flawed by its yes-no form. It will yield little info.

You wonder what the CEO’s really looking for. Maybe she’s implying this could be a high-performing organization—if only it weren’t for you.

How to answer???

“Yes!” you say, going with enthusiasm, while ignoring the fact that many of the company’s products don’t work, smell bad, and appear to be mildly carcinogenic.

Wrong answer. The CEO, it turns out, was looking for honesty.

Scenario #2: No sweat.

The other day I heard about a newly hired, 20-something-year-old at a large insurance company who, during her first week, did something fearless.

She called up the CEO and asked if she could stop by. Said she wanted to get a feel for the company, and where it was going.

Intrigued, the CEO said yes.

But her supervisor didn't know about the meeting till later. He was furious. "I've been at this company for over 10 years," he said. "I've never even met the CEO."

You could argue that the new hire was naive, that she learned an important lesson about org. politics and the chain of command, and that she'll never do anything like this again.

Fine, but what's the cost to the organization?

The cost is fear.

Years ago, consultant Tom Peters popularized "management by walking around." He urged managers to get out of the office, ask questions, and find out what's really going on.

Great advice, except for one thing: Most people, unlike that new hire, are reluctant to speak truth to power.

Tip: Don’t underestimate fear.

Before you ask a tough question, lessen the fear. Disclose something personal, disclose a vulnerability, or, at the very least—this is key—disclose why you're asking.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

I am a high school teacher at a very small school with many troubled students. Yesterday, I happened to be walking by when a boy was sent to the principal’s office for misbehaving in his English class. The student made several vulgar remarks on the way out, and another employee in the hall tried to get him to quiet down by shaming him into submission, loudly telling another teacher, “He acts tough now, swearing and storming around, but he goes home and cries to his mother. She calls in and literally says, ‘He’s in tears right now.’” I was appalled at the insensitivity and disrespect for the student’s pride and privacy.

This all happened where his whole class could easily hear. The boy continued to escalate arguments and ended up being sent home suspended. Should I have done nothing? Should I have said something to the other employee then or later? Should I have contacted my principal describing the incident and commenting on how the staff member’s actions backfired and ended up escalating the situation rather than getting him to quiet down?

Anonymous

You witnessed a staff member being verbally abusive to a student, behavior that is at least unprofessional and at worst bullying. Ultimately, the principal needs to be aware of the facts. One option: You can report directly to the principal yourself. Or join together with the English teacher, who initially dismissed the boy and who overheard the remarks. You also could ask the teacher in the hallway to whom the rude staff member directed his remarks to join you in going to the principal as well. Having additional staff support can make a stronger case that there are better ways to handle disciplinary incidents than using tactics that involve public shaming and humiliation.

As to whether you should have intervened at the time, only you can answer whether you could have done so safely and effectively. Confronting the other teacher easily could have devolved into an argument between the two of you, and your point, that his remarks were gratuitous and inappropriate, would have been lost in the verbal scuffle.

Most importantly, in meeting with the principal, emphasize that staff might benefit from further training or a refresher course on appropriate disciplinary measures. It’s not easy handling an angry teen, so it is important that the staff be well versed in techniques that are more likely to have positive results. To help students learn to manage anger and conflict, it’s important that staff employ conflict resolution strategies that are based on respect for the individuals involved. Be the adult you’d like your students to be.

‘Tis the season, and the season really begins with Thanksgiving, especially if you read all the stories about Black Friday. As you sit down to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal with family and friends, this seems an appropriate time to talk about “thank you.”

Appreciating others and what they do for you is such a simple, positive thing to do, yet people are always asking questions like: “Do I have to write a thank-you note?” or “Is it okay to send an email thanks?”

What these questions imply is that saying “thank you” in any form is a chore I have to do, and if I didn’t have to do it perhaps I wouldn’t be bothered to do it. To answer these questions take a moment and shift your attitude from thinking of “thank-you” as an obligation to thinking of it as an opportunity.

As an obligation, thanking someone is something we have to do. And when we “have” to do something, we tend to put it off in favor of things we like to do. So the likelihood of the thank you being done diminishes the more it feels like an obligation. However, when thanking someone is seen as an opportunity, it becomes something we want to do. And when we want to do something, we are more likely to make the effort to do it.

Any manner in etiquette should have a reason behind it. Saying "thank you" for the meal you just enjoyed or the gift you just received, especially at this holiday time, acknowledges the effort a person has made on your behalf. People like to be appreciated. They are more likely to want to make that effort for you again if they are appreciated rather than ignored. So it’s to your benefit to thank them.

How can you be sure your thank you demonstrates your appreciation? Of course you can thank them as you leave the meal or when they put a gift in your hands. The heartfelt thank you, the one they will remember, is the second thank you made the next day. You pick up your phone and call or write an email or best yet, with pen in hand, write a thank-you note. When they receive that hand-written note, they read it and then enjoy it time and again when they see it on their refrigerator or lying on their counter or desk. However you choose to do it, thank them that second time because you want to, because you view it as an opportunity to be appreciative of the effort they have made for you. That’s giving thanks and that’s Thanksgiving, the start of the holiday season.

Thank you.

Nightmare: you're speaking to a tough audience when suddenly, mid-sentence, your mind goes blank.

U.S. presidential candidate, Rick Perry, lived that fear in front of six million people during a recent TV debate.

He said he'd eliminate THREE government departments, but then couldn't name the third.

53 seconds later, he still couldn't remember. "Oops," he said.

Although I'm not voting for Mr. Perry, that has nothing to do with those 53 seconds.

Let's put his memory lapse in perspective. Otherwise, the next time you stand up to speak, you'll stress out for the wrong reasons.

1) Most speakers, even great ones, sometimes lose their train of thought. It's really no different than losing your car keys or your cell phone.

Einstein, it's widely reported, couldn't remember his own phone number. He claimed he had no plans to call himself.

The real problem for Perry was not the gaffe—his candidacy was already dead.

He'd already made too many mistakes, admitted he was a poor debater, and then debated with himself about doing more debates.

The public's perception had already hardened.

So, given his negative reputation, this last mistake seemed less like losing a train of thought, and more like misplacing an entire railroad.

Suppose Perry's gaffe had happened to someone else, someone widely perceived to be smart and knowledgeable—say, for example, Bill Clinton.

It still would have been intriguing TV, but no big deal.

A strong reputation protects you from minor errors.

2) You can prevent most brain freezes.

Perry could have avoided his with better prep, better notes (he couldn't seem to find the correct note card), and by keeping things simple.

He promised to list three things.

THREE is, ordinarily, a simple number. But don't promise three things unless you can name all three in the middle of the night, half asleep, in your pajamas.

3) When you make a mistake, your response is critical—it often trumps the mistake itself (unless YouTube or Saturday Night Live gets you first).

Let's look at Perry's response.

After the debate, he immediately sought out the press ("I stepped in it man. Yeah it was embarrassing. Of course it was.")

The next night, he appeared on CBS's "Late Show with David Letterman" to poke fun at himself.

And at the next debate, he joked about it.

These responses are more than good, they're admirable.

We're still not voting for him. But we've seen leaders who've forgotten how to own their mistakes, laugh at themselves, or admit they're human.

In terms of forgetting, that seems worse.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

I have a home office that is off a children’s den. It’s a nice space, but has no door. When family comes to visit, they are often intrusive while I’m working because they can be. Especially my mother-in-law who frequently busts in asking if she can print this, or do I have a stamp, or can you take me here. How do I deal with the feeling of guilt while I’m working? I often hurry to finish just so that I can take them to lunch. Usually their visits are at a slower time of the year, but this year it’s not. While they know we’ll all be busy and understand that, I don’t think they really get it because they’ve never been understanding in the past when I just have to work and can’t leave for lunch, etc. Should I drop the kids at school and head to a coffee shop to work? Or simply say, “I’d love to hang out but I really have so many deadlines?”
K.W. Madison, MS

I have a nephew who works at The Emily Post Institute. He has a book deadline and a lot of work to do. Recently, I told him that even though people at the office know he has to do work, if he comes to the office he will be interrupted, and he won’t get the project completed. He’ll hear a conversation, or they’ll pop in and ask “a quick question.” And it’s not that his colleagues are intentionally interrupting him, but it happens. So I told him to stop coming into the office in the morning. Now he spending three to four hours each morning working at a local coffee shop getting the project completed.

Similarly, in your case the interruptions aren’t going to stop. You have no door. You have a mother-in-law who has a history of repeated interruptions. And now you have work to do.

The path of least resistance and the path that has the best chance of you getting your work done: Get out of the house.

You’ll remove yourself from the distractions of family. You’ll stop them from having the opportunity to interrupt you, even if it is unintentional. You can control your schedule. You can offer to go to lunch one or two days while they are visiting, but the other days you don’t have to think about rushing your work to accommodate them. Let everyone know when you’ll be leaving and when you’ll be arriving back home. By the way, it might be a good idea to tee this up before the visit. Let everyone know you’re swamped, you’ll be working off site, and that you’ll gladly join them for lunch on Tuesday and Friday. Then, when you’re not working, do all you can to leave work behind and be a gracious host.

Q. I brought my mobile phone (and the number) with me to this company 4 years ago. I used the cell phone for work, and customers called me on this number. I just got laid off. The company did not allow me to port my original personal mobile number when I left, because they paid for the phone service. Is there a MA state or federal law which allows me to keep my original personal mobile number that I brought with me to the company? The company claim is that it was used as a business number and that people may continue to call me as a non-employee. Don’t I own this number?

A. The lines continue to blur between private and work life, and private and work property. Phone ownership has come full circle. People had two cell phones, so they didn’t confuse personal and work business -- they then simplified and consolidated to one mobile phone for both. As people eliminated their land lines and lost their “home” or personal phone number, many people returned to a private and work mobile phone.

“It is not clear that you do own the number and depending on the circumstances the employer may be able to retain the number,” says Attorney Dave Wilson, an employment attorney at Hirsch Roberts Weinstein, LLP. In November 2003 the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) instituted “wireless local number portability” (WLNP) rules. WLNP allows wireless subscribers to change wireless carriers within a given geographic area and keep the same phone number. If you move to another geographic area you may not be able to take your mobile number with you.

Even though the employee brought her phone with her, the company has paid for the telephone service for the past 4 years. When she left, the cell phone would have been on a company service contract. Presumably the company could cancel the contract even if they could not get the cell phone back from the employee. If the bills went directly to the business, as opposed to them reimbursing the employee, then it would seem that the ownership of the number may have been transferred to them.”

Employers could have a legitimate business interest in keeping the number. If the employee is in sales and her current customers have her cell phone number, then it would be in the employer’s interest to have the cell phone number stay with the company so the company’s customers’ calls would not be intercepted by the former employee when those customers intended to call the company.

An employer could legitimately bring claims against an employee who tried to take the mobile number when the mobile service contract was paid for by the employer many things including the theft of the employer’s goodwill.

Documenting who owns what, and the expectations employees and employers have will help avoid issues which may become legal claims.

I'm currently applying for a position within my company. I'm not confident I will be the final candidate so I don’t want to make it known to those I work closely with that I have applied. But I have had some co-workers ask, “Did you apply?” What is the best way to answer this question with tact? I could be honest and say, “Yes.” But there is a big rumor mill in my place of employment and some backstabbing so I really don’t want it to be known at this time. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you!

M. E., Richmond, Virginia

You could lie and say, “No.” But inevitably you will get caught, the most obvious time being when you get the job you supposedly didn’t apply for. Having to deal with the fallout and recovering from the lie would be more difficult, I think, than dealing with co-workers if you tell them the truth.

You could brush them off with a question like, “What job?” or you could feign indecision: “I’m considering it.” But again, with your application already submitted, these answers look lame in the face of reality.

Sometimes we over-think and over-worry a situation when the answer is right there in front of us. Fact: you’ve applied. And fact: your co-workers are going to hear about it somehow. So grab the bull by the horns and say, “Yes, I did apply. I may not get it, but if I don’t apply, then I’m sure not to get it. So I threw my hat in the ring.”

I think the “but” in your question is the real issue because you’re worried that the rumor mill or some backstabbing may occur as a result of your applying. Yet, being honest has the best chance of countering any rumors or backstabbing. Once rumors start it is very difficult to stop them so nipping them in the bud is to your advantage. Your best chance to do that is to lead with the truth: you applied for the job.

Backstabbing is just as insidious. However, by putting your candidacy out in the open, any attempt by a coworker to sabotage your application will be more obvious. You can’t cry “foul” if you’re claiming you’re not in the game. Again, being open and honest is your best defense.

Whether you get the job or not, applying is good practice. It shows your boss or supervisor that you want to take on more responsibility and that you intend to grow in the company. It puts coworkers on notice that you’re serious about your work. Good luck. I hope you get it.

“Is bad news coming to you regularly?” asks a recent business article about CEOs.

Although I’m not a CEO—which itself seems like bad news—I nod yes.

“Good,” continues the article. “That’s a sign of success. There’s plenty of bad news out there, the only question is whether you’re aware of it.”

I’m aware of it.

But some days it's hard to face reality.

I read about a monastery that tried to do something about that. When the monks passed each other in the hallway, they’d say, “Remember Brother, you are going to die.”

That’s less cheerful than "Good morning," so this greeting is unlikely to become wildly popular.

If someone told me I was about to die—I'm highly suggestible—I'd immediately spring to life and jump into the nearest ambulance.

Still, I admire the paradoxical intent: by facing impermanence, daily, you deepen your appreciation for everyday life.

That's what Steve Jobs believed. "Remembering that you are going to die," he said, "is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose."

We mourn his loss.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

The other day, I was leading a workshop on executive communication. Someone asked a simple question: “Should we do A or B?”

I was neutral. But instead of saying that, I said, “I’m agnostic.”

Later, after the workshop was over, one of the participants approached to ask what I’d meant.

Apparently, he didn’t know the word, or didn’t get my usage. Or else he wanted to convert me to a religion where they speak plain English.

Do you ever over-complicate things?

Sometimes, I’ll read an article where the author—as if suddenly possessed—starts inserting German words like uber, doppelganger, or schadenfreude.

These words should all be verboten. Whoops, I meant forbidden. Let's stick to simple German words like hamburger.

The basic rule with foreign words: if you can't eat it, don't say it.

All of that helps explain GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain and his 9-9-9 tax plan.

No one seems to like this plan one bit. I’m not even sure Herman Cain likes it.

Yet he has managed to break through the clutter.

How?

Well, for one thing, Herman Cain is likable. And his idea addresses a real problem with a specific solution. It’s not just a complaint (the tax code stinks), or a vague promise (let’s fix it).

9-9-9 sounds like someone did some serious thinking. Even if they didn’t.

But mostly, the idea is simple—one number, 9, solves everything.

You have to wonder how Mr. Cain came up with that number.

It couldn’t have been mathematical. What are the odds that the ideal personal tax, the ideal corporate tax, and the ideal sales tax would all be the same number?

Zero.

But 9-9-9 is easy to say, easy to remember. And Herman Cain keeps repeating it.

He knows his message.

Tip: Herman Cain has something to teach about form. He is, amongst other things, a motivational speaker.

So are you.

The next time you need to sell an idea or inspire others, keep it simple. Then repeat it—at least 999 times.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Recently my co-workers and I decided to get our supervisor a gift because she has decided to leave the company, and we are all very fond of her. We got her a card and a really nice scarf. All of the employees except one signed the card and put whatever they could towards the scarf. The one lady who decided not to sign the card or pitch in for the gift went out and got her own card and 3 scarves and gave it to our supervisor the day before we decided to give our gift and card. Am I missing something here or is that really rude? We all feel like we have been cheated out of our surprise. I want to confront this co-worker to ask if she has a problem with the rest of us because I feel we have been wronged.

K. J., Cottonwood, AZ

Clearly your coworker has acted rudely. While giving her own card would be appropriate, upstaging your gift with hers seems, on the face of it, to be over the top. Now it is possible that your gift was an Hermès scarf well over $100 in value, and her three scarves could have been far less in value. Even so, by choosing to give the same type of gift on her own that the group had picked out and by pre-empting your presentation, she comes across as a spoilsport. She is also delivering a not-so-subtle message about how she feels about her coworkers. Her behavior is both rude and childish. I’m sure your supervisor appreciates your gift and has figured out the mean-spirited nature behind the other gift.

Before you jump on her, try asking yourself what you want to achieve as an outcome. If you simply want to verbally smack her for what she did and you don’t care about your ongoing relationship, then perhaps confronting her is what you want to do. But remember, so long as she works there, you will have to share space with her, work with her, and report to your new boss with her. While an abrupt confrontation might feel good in the short run, it may end up creating a more stressful work environment in the long run.

Also, it’s very likely that confronting her won’t resolve the situation; it will simply devolve into a personal issue between the two of you. My guess is the back-story here would reveal an ongoing relationship issue between this employee and the other employees in the department. Getting to the root of that issue and trying to build a better relationship with this colleague is more important than simply chewing her out for her inappropriate behavior. Instead of focusing on your frustration, I would suggest talking with her. Don’t just lay into her for what she did. First try to find out why she did what she did it.

I recently started a lunch club between my coworkers and myself in which they suggest a dish and pay for the groceries and I prepare the dish. My boss has noticed the food that I am bringing in and has mentioned it a couple times, even joining us after we finished eating during the last lunch (my boss doesn’t usually join us for lunch). She doesn’t know the arrangement between my co-workers and me so it looks like I am personally excluding her. My co-workers and I would like to eat lunch together without my boss; but I don’t want my boss to feel excluded. How do I handle this situation?
B. D., St Louis, MO

Excluding anyone, even a boss, is a quick way to create hard feelings in a workplace environment. That’s why behaviors like whispering or not speaking a common language can cause such difficulty, even if they are meant to be helpful. Lunch is one of the few times when workers can get to know each other and help create a more relaxed, pleasant work environment.

I can appreciate your desire not to have your boss share lunch everyday. In your situation, doing nothing is obviously awkward so it’s best to be up front and talk to your boss. The real question is: What do you say? “Ms. Smith, some of the workers pitch in to have a lunch which I prepare each Wednesday, but we don’t want you joining us. So would you mind staying away?” Completely excluding your boss from your lunches seems a bit harsh to me.

A more friendly solution would be to include your boss some of the time. Besides, it’s an opportunity to get to know her better and build the relationship between her and all of you in the lunch group. You invite her in a way that clearly indicates her joining you only some of the time: “Ms. Smith, it was nice that you joined us at lunch the other day. I know you’ve noticed I bring in lunch on Wednesdays. Some of my colleagues and I discuss possible menus. They pay for the groceries, and I prepare the lunch. It’s a great opportunity for us to get together and get to know each other better. Perhaps, you might care to join us once in a while? Let me know ahead of time and we’ll count you in.” When she does join you, she should share in the cost of the groceries. So when she lets you know she will be eating with you, that’s the moment to let her know what you expect the per person cost of lunch to be so she can pitch in.

If you find she is joining you for lunch too often, you may have to cut back on the lunches or plan to eat them out of the office.

By the way, please be careful about excluding other colleagues as well. Setting up small cliques can cause hard feelings among your co-workers. That’s something no workplace should encourage.

1) Step up to the front of the room, as if delighted to be there.

I remember watching Jerry Seinfeld perform at the peak of his stand-up career. His entrance—even before he said a word—made a strong impression.

He dashed onto the stage. He looked like he couldn't wait to get started. Or else he was being chased.

Either way, his excitement was contagious.

2) Step away from the podium.

Sure, it feels safe to stand behind the podium. Everyone does it—why be different?

Simple: different captures attention.

And there's something else: we've all seen those crime shows where the police try to get the suspect out of the car or out the house, into plain sight.

Imagine the police are in your audience. You're the suspect.

One cop has a bullhorn: “Move away from that podium,” he commands, “before someone gets hurt.”

You, of course, are standing behind the podium precisely because you don’t want to get hurt. The podium feels like a fortress.

But your audience needs to see you because, like the police, the more they see, the more they trust.

3) Step into a question.

One step forward—that’s all it takes to project confidence. Step back and you look fearful, like you’re retreating.

The only time you might want to step back is when the question is completely inappropriate. By moving away, intentionally, you say, "Sorry, I'm not going anywhere near that one."

But most questions deserve to be welcomed. Step forward.

4) Step into the audience.

It was the 1996 Republican national convention. Elizabeth Dole was the speaker.

Suddenly, she "descended the twelve platform steps in high heels" to interact with a startled audience (“Elizabeth Hanford Dole: Speaking from the Heart,” Wertheimer and Gutgold).

Note to men: High heels are optional. Dole could have worn flip-flops, it still would have been riveting. Why? Because it was different.

5) Step to the side to spark audience discussion.

Just because you’re the speaker, doesn’t mean you need to answer every question, or participate in every exchange.

Toss a question out to the audience; once they engage, move out of the way. “Talk amongst yourselves,” your positioning says.

Then, when you’re ready, step back in and take charge.

Tip: Presenting your ideas is a physical act. To move your audience—move.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q: I work in a typical suburban office building made up of different organizations. Directly outside the entrance of our building is the "smoke-break" area. Our entrance also serves as a bus stop. About 80% of the time, there is someone out there smoking and I have to breathe in their smoke when I enter and exit the building. I am a non-smoker and want to avoid someone else's bad choices. I'm new to the job and don't want to be a complainer. But, second hand smoke is bad! Help!

A: Your question strikes a chord with me. I too despise being exposed to second-hand smoke. I also understand that you don’t want to be perceived as a complainer.

A few options worth considering:
1. Often times, a management company will post a notice that smoking is not permitted within a certain distance outside of entrances because of this very dilemma. If there is a management company that runs your office building, perhaps you can stop in and make this request? My guess is that others are bothered by it also.

2. If you enjoy your job, tell your supervisor at the appropriate moment. After you have detailed why you enjoy the company and/or role, ask about the concerns of second-hand smoke outside the door. This conversation will be much easier if your supervisor is a non-smoker. And if you balance the positives with this one negative, you are minimizing your chances of being labeled a “complainer.”

3. If all else fails, is there another entrance or exit that you can use? This sounds like a weak recommendation but it would solve the problem.

Lastly, a warning -- this situation is most likely going to get worse as the cold weather approaches. I can envision the diehard smokers huddling closer and closer to the door (and each other!) when the rain, sleet and snow are falling in the cold weather.

As the chair of a large academic department at a state university, I interviewed a promising candidate. We worked out teaching schedules for fall and spring semesters, with the possibility of a temporary full-time position for the following year. I spent a lot of time nurturing this candidate, giving her the schedules she wanted, pushing to get her contracts issued early, answering a lot of questions, providing course syllabi, etc. In mid-August, she attended a three-hour orientation session for new part-time faculty and continued to be in contact with questions. The candidate gave me a verbal commitment to accept the teaching assignments for both fall and spring semesters. Eight days prior to the start of fall semester, she returned the contracts unsigned and also notified me through email that she had taken a temporary full-time position at another institution, but that she was still interested in teaching at our institution in the future. I was furious that she had given me no indication that she was still seeking full-time employment a mere week before classes began. Had I any indication that she might not take our position, I would have made arrangements with another candidate to fill in on short notice. Teaching is not like other jobs - you can't just put off the students for a month while you find another instructor.

Did she have a responsibility to notify me that she was still seeking full-time employment? Am I justified in my anger and unwillingness to consider her for any future teaching assignments?

P. M., Salem, MA

The short answer to your question is, yes, your anger and unwillingness to consider her for future employment are justified. Even though the contracts hadn't been signed and returned, she gave you a verbal commitment, and at that point she was honor-bound to live up to her agreement. Eight days ahead of the start of the semester is too little time for you to find an alternative instructor. In fact, once she accepted your offer, she should have backed out of consideration for any other job position that posed a conflict.

One of the hardest things about a job search is recognizing that a bird in the hand means you quit looking for the two that might still be in the bush. When an applicant receives an offer, it is imperative that an answer be given and honored if the job is accepted. Once the offer is accepted the hiring entity will turn away other potentially qualified applicants. Opening the search up again is time consuming, difficult and unfair to the other qualified candidates who may have moved on to other possible opportunities. Once made, a commitment to a job should be honored. Not only did this applicant go back on her word, she also torpedoed any chance of teaching at your institution in the future. Given that her position at the other institution is temporary, she can't afford to close off future opportunities.

My supervisor is about to retire and has not mentioned it to me personally, nor has it been officially announced. However, most of the office personnel are aware of her plans. Some of the staff had made plans and threw her a retirement party on Monday. I was asked to participate. Of course, regardless of whether I had been personally informed of her retirement by her, I would help in any way I could with what they needed. Her party was on Monday. The very next day she came to me to officially let me know that it is her intent to retire at the end of the month. Granted we are not friendly with each other; but was it wrong of me to expect the professional courtesy of letting me know her intent to retire (at least prior to her party) – after all is she is my direct supervisor?

P.C. Honolulu, HI

What seems strange to me is that the office, you included, held a retirement party for her before her retirement was officially announced. I’m not even sure from your letter whether she had informed other staff personally prior to the party. If it turns out that was indeed the case, then, yes, expecting the same of her for you is reasonable. Otherwise, I wouldn’t worry about it.

More to the point is the issue of when to announce a retirement and when to hold a retirement party. Once an employee has discussed his retirement with his supervisor, he and the supervisor can determine when it is best to inform the rest of the staff. In a small office, people can be informed individually as long as it can be done reasonably quickly so other employees don’t start hearing about the retirement through the rumor mill. In a larger office a group announcement is necessary to prevent any rumors or to avoid hurt feelings such as has happened in your situation. The retiring employee and his supervisor should also discuss how the impending retirement will be announced to any clients, suppliers, or prospects with whom the employee has been working.

Retirement parties should only be held once the retirement is official and everyone has been informed. One vexing problem occurs when a few employees get together to throw a retirement party. “It can happen too soon,” “Not everyone is invited,” or “Who pays for the party” are all problems with an employee planned event. It’s much smoother and better if an event acknowledging the employee’s service is planned and paid for by the business. Often a gift is also provided by the company which removes yet another problem individual employees would face: “Do I get him a retirement gift?”

I am wondering if there is an etiquette to printed names on business cards? There are so many ways to write a name, I am a little confused. For example, someone named William David Smith works for a Silicon Valley computer company. His friends call him Bill. Which is most appropriate to have printed on a business card:

1. Mr. William Smith
2. Mr. William D. Smith
3. William “Bill” Smith
4. William D. Smith
5. Bill D. Smith
6. Bill Smith

Is there some kind of rule for when you use your middle initial? Does it depend on one’s status in the company? Example:
Billy Smith
Shipping and Receiving

vs.

Mr. William D. Smith
Chief Financial Officer

Thanks for any help you can provide,

L., Dublin, Ireland

First, check with your new company. It may have a policy dictating how your name is to appear on your business card. If there is no policy, then the decision as to how to present your name rests with you. One thought in making that choice is to consider that a business card reflects you as a professional. Therefore, having it look and read as professionally as possible will ultimately reflect positively on you. Any time you defer to the more informal—a nickname like Sparky or an abbreviation like Kathy for Katherine—you risk having some people not see you for the professional you are. If you have a middle initial, by all means, include it.

One way around the issue of an abbreviated name or a nickname is to print your formal name on the card, and then when you present it, you can say, “Nice to meet you Sharon. Please call me Kathy.” Problem solved.

The issue of titles is more a cultural issue than anything else. In the United States, the convention is not to use titles like Mr., Ms., or Dr. on a business card. An exception to this guideline is if you have a name that is non-gender specific like Dana or Alex. In this case when the person receiving your card hasn’t met you in person, the title alerts him to your gender. Also, the title Ms. is preferable over Miss or Mrs. Any professional designation, such as MD, CPA, or CFLU, follows the name: Katherine E. Park, MD.

The business card is a means of providing contact information about yourself, therefore, be sure it includes:

The name, physical address, and web address of the company

Your name and company title, if you have one

Your work contact information: office number, cell phone number (if used for work), fax number, and work email.

Q. I’m heading off on a business trip soon with a colleague who is much more experienced and senior to me. He’s not my boss though; we’re just doing this particular task together. I’ve only met him a couple times (we don’t work at the same location) and though polite, he’s never been particularly friendly.

I have friends in the city where we are going, and I am looking forward to visiting with them during my downtime. I’m wondering, though: is it rude for me to schedule activities for all my evenings there that do not include my colleague? I would never dream of asking him to socialize with me at home, but since we will be on this trip together, I wonder if it would be inappropriate not to include him…?

Forgive me if this is a silly question; I very rarely travel for business, and in the past, I’ve always gone alone.

N. N., Toronto, Ontario, Canada

A. This isn’t an all or nothing situation. You don’t have to include him in every activity. However, you might consider asking him to join you for one of the evenings. It would be the polite and friendly thing to do. Check with your friends first so you don’t spring him on them as a complete surprise. Identify with them ahead of time one evening you could include him. At the start of the trip you could ask him: “Jim, I have some friends I plan on seeing each evening. I wondered if you might like to join us for dinner one evening? Tuesday would be really good.” If Jim accepts, then you know it was a good idea to include him for one evening’s activity. You may even end up finding out he’s really a nice guy who could be a good friend and colleague to know at work. If he declines, at least you’ve made the effort to be friendly. Either way, by asking him for one evening, you don’t need to be concerned further about not including him the other evenings. You’ve also let him know your plans so there’s no awkwardness at the end of each day about having to explain your plans that don’t include him.

I’ve been on business trips with people numerous times and have never felt put out if a person makes plans during down time to see friends rather than spend time with me. So go ahead, make your plans and try to make it possible for Jim to join you for one evening.

Q: On June 13, 2011, Pattie Sinacole wrote a column that I read very carefully. The column talked about the Family and Medical Leave Act and "in loco parentis." My sister has to go for treatments for a serious illness, once a week. She is unable to drive after her treatments. There are just two of us in our family. We live in the same house. My HR department wants me to prove "In loco parentis." How do I prove this? Would a "Durable Power of Attorney" count?

A: The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and all of its details can be confusing, even to HR professionals, attorneys and others. The FMLA is a federal law which grants eligible employees the right to take job-protected, unpaid leave (or to substitute paid leave if the employee has earned or accrued it), for up to a total of 12 workweeks in any 12-month period for certain purposes. FMLA only applies to employers with 50 or more employees. The leave may be taken continuously or intermittently in blocks of time ranging from an hour to several days or weeks, depending on the circumstances. One of the permissible purposes of FMLA leave is to care for the employee's spouse, son, daughter, or parent with a serious health condition. Unfortunately though, the statute does not expressly provide an employee with the right to job-protected leave to care for a seriously ill sibling. However, an employee may qualify for FMLA leave to care for a seriously ill sibling if the employee can demonstrate, as your HR department has invited you to do, that the employee stands "in loco parentis" (i.e., in the place of a parent) to the serious ill sibling.

I consulted Attorney Jeffrey A. Dretler, Partner in the Employment Law Practice Group at Prince Lobel Tye LLP. Dretler explains, "There is no bright-line test for proving in loco parentis status. Simply having a durable power of attorney, a legal document which empowers you to make financial and/or health care decisions on your sister’s behalf (depending on what powers are given in the document) is not, by itself, sufficient to bestow in loco parentis status, although it is certainly a helpful factor. Assuming that your sibling is age 18 or older, you must demonstrate that she is incapable of self-care because of a mental or physical disability on an ongoing basis, not just unable to drive home after a weekly medical treatment. The more you can do to show that your sibling relies on you to take care of her financial and medical needs on a day-to-day basis, the greater your chance of demonstrating in loco parentis status."

"I forgot the words to three of my songs (audience: 135,000 people). And that was it for me. I never sang professionally... for 27 years" (Barbra Streisand talking with Larry King).

Barbra's "greatest talent isn't acting or singing; it's her ability to hide her fear" ("Petrified," The New Yorker, 8/28/2006).

Mistake #1: Assuming you know what's going on inside others.

Suppose, at the next leadership offsite, your CEO decides to forego the usual PowerPoint slides.

Instead, he stands up, and in a commanding, operatic voice, he sings out the quarterly financials.

You're impressed. And yet, you know nothing about the CEO's inner experience. He could be extremely confident, or extremely nervous, or extremely insane.

Mistake #2: Assuming you should feel as confident inside as others appear outside.

A basic problem in human relations, says psychologist Daniel Gilbert, is that we see ourselves from inside-out, but see everyone else from outside-in.

"STOP COMPARING YOUR INSIDES TO OTHERS' OUTSIDES."

That's my favorite line (paraphrased) from a so-so novel called "The First Patient."

It's about a U.S. President whose physician vanishes. Then the President has a psychotic episode which, to me, just seemed like a predictable reaction to bad health care.

Mistake #3: Assuming other people can see your insides.

I sometimes work with managers who, during high-stakes presentations, assume their nervousness is transparent.

But often the only reason your audience knows you're nervous is because you feel compelled to announce it.

Don't.

Mistake #4: Assuming you can see your outsides.

The other night, I was having dinner with a senior executive who complained about one of her managers:

"At meetings, she just looks totally bored. And she has no idea how she comes across. But—here's the odd part—she wants her own staff to get trained in body language."

Sometimes my wife wonders about my body language. "What's that face?" she asks.

You would think I would know. After all, it is my face.

Tip: You don't need to feel confident (inside) to look confident (outside). But you do need to know how you look.

Get feedback.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

I have a team member who constantly talks over me. I am her boss and am sometimes trying to communicate important information. I can tell that she is insecure, and she has admitted to being the middle child of 7 (that supposedly contributed to this behavior). I am sometimes in a hurry and basically frustrated at the situation. How can I politely ask her to quit interrupting when I am speaking? Usually by the end of our one-way conversation, I change my mind about speaking with her entirely. She is a sweet person and works very hard, so I hate to give up on her so quickly.

N.M., Germantown, TN

Being a boss isn’t easy. As the boss you have to deal with personnel and personality problems, and no one likes doing that. But for the sake of harmony in the workplace, it has to be done, and you’re it. In your case the person being affected by a worker’s behavior isn’t another worker, it’s you. You’re dealing with the emotions of being frustrated by a colleague as well as the angst of having to talk to that person as her boss about her behavior. That double whammy makes it difficult, but, like it or not, talk with her you must. So before you consider “giving up on her,” you should first let her know there is a problem and give her the opportunity to change. Frankly, I’m not at all sure she has any idea that what she is doing is annoying you.

It’s best to have this conversation in private. Calling her out in front of others will put the focus on why you are embarrassing her rather than on her inappropriate behavior. After the next incident, wait about five minutes, then seek her out and ask her to meet with you. In the meeting explain that while you appreciate her enthusiasm and contribution, she may not realize that she is interrupting you at times when you really want to be able to complete your message. You would appreciate it if she would wait until you finished having your say before she jumps in with comments of her own.

Then, the next time she starts interrupting you, stop her and say, “Jane, please hold your thought until I’m finished.” Do it with authority, but not in an angry or frustrated tone. Be firm and continue with your message. If she still doesn’t get the message, then you can meet with her again to let her know this continued behavior will have an adverse effect on her job.

By the way: First child, middle child, last child–it’s not an excuse for her behavior. She’s a grown-up now. Treat her like one.

This weekend I had the opportunity to meet the fiancée of my husband’s business partner. We hadn’t met before because she recently had her second baby and is understandably busy. Unfortunately, by the time I met her, she was “three sheets to the wind” as my mother phrases it. Imbibing doesn’t bother me, but probably explains her actions. For the next half hour, she proceeded to tell me how much she always hated me and why (yes, the word “hate” was used multiple times). As I sipped my diet coke (I was DD), I heard all about my perceived flaws and how angry I have made her. The point of the conversation was to tell me that she no longer hates me, but did because of some things she thought I’d said. As it turns out that I did not say them or they were misinterpreted, she thinks the world of me and looks forward to spending more time with me. During the time I mostly nodded my head and drained my glass.

I know none of us are on our best behavior when inebriated, but I also believe that true feelings can come out during this time. I was extremely uncomfortable during this encounter but didn’t put her off because I don’t want my husband’s business partnership to suffer. As it stands, I simply would rather spend minimal time with her in the future. I also wonder, however, if I should let this slide as I realize I’m far from perfect when drinking – perhaps I shouldn’t rush to judge. Still, I was hurt that someone would hate me before even meeting me, based upon statements taken out of context, and then would tell me all about her hatred toward me. I’ve never dealt with this before.

What do you suggest?

K. Potts

You can wallow in the past or live in the future. I’d choose to live in the future. Being drunk shouldn’t be an excuse for her poor behavior, but it is an explanation for poor judgment on her behalf—giving you the blow by blow of her old and new feelings about you. It’s what you do with her revelation that matters.

Give her the benefit of the doubt that in a more sober state she wouldn’t run off at the mouth the way she did, and that she means it when she says she thinks the world of you and wants to spend more time with you. You don’t have to be her best friend, but being a friend will certainly be good for your husband’s partnership, and it may end up being a good thing for you, too. Good luck.

"I think the main reason you employ me," Bob once said, "is to hear yourself talk."

Bob was a savvy coach who'd run the Career Services office at Harvard and then gone into private practice.

I sometimes consulted him for advice. Except that he hardly gave any.

And when he did—one day he suggested I write a sitcom episode for "Seinfeld"—I usually ignored it.

His role, as he saw it, wasn't to tell me what to do. It was to engage in dialogue so I could figure things out.

How often do you give advice?

Advice isn't bad.

When you have expertise, and the other person doesn't, your advice may be useful. I give lots of advice, for example, when coaching executives on presentations.

But most problems aren't like that.

Suppose you're a manager. You've got at least 15 ways to develop your employees—advice ranks last (Learning and Development Roundtable 2003 survey).

Your advice robs others of the chance to develop judgment.

Sometimes, when people ask me for advice, I listen for a while, and then ask a question like this:

“Suppose you were talking to a very wise person. What would she or he advise you to do?”

"She'd advise me to stay put," said a colleague. He'd been wrestling with whether to accept a job at another company. Suddenly, he knew the answer.

A similar question: "What would Person X do (where X is a role model)?"

Movie director Steven Spielberg, while making "Jaws," struggled with a mechanical shark that didn't work.

He could have called Alfred Hitchcock for advice. Instead, he asked himself, "What would Hitchcock do?"

Answer: Don't show the shark. It's scarier.

Tip: It's scarier to let people solve problems on their own. It's easier—for you and for them—to show the answer.

But the next time someone knocks on your door for advice, remember: that's a coachable moment.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

How do I say NO to a request to be the party planner extraordinaire at work? I used to enjoy helping to coordinate the office potlucks, but lately it’s way too much of a hassle and not enjoyable at all. I’m sick of the complainers, the ones that decline and state that they don’t wish to contribute yet freely help themselves to the buffet, etc. It really bothers me, and now I am really discouraged and no longer wish to be the one that collects the money, runs around town buying items, cooking for hours the night before the event, carting everything to work, making multiple trips from the parking lot into the office with all the food and supplies, etc. How do I say NO when the bosses ask me to do this next time?
L. F., Buffalo, NY

It’s really not a question of if you say “No,” it’s when you say it that matters. Just imagine the following: Your boss has no inkling that you are pulling your hair out organizing events or that employees are at best lukewarm about participating. So when he asks you to organize the next event, he is expecting the usual positive response. Instead he hears a vehement “No” followed by your litany of reasons for declining the task. His excitement about having an event he thinks is well appreciated is dashed. Assuming he doesn’t then tell you to do it anyway, he’s left with the added hassle of finding another employee to take it on at the last minute.

Imagine instead that you ask to meet with your boss well before the next event. At the meeting you explain the problems you are having: The events are difficult to organize. The employees don’t seem to appreciate them or the company or the boss for having them. They even bemoan having to attend. You suggest that the company take a hiatus from having events because of the lack of employee interest. You and he go on to discuss the pros and cons of the events and the demands they put on you at work and the extra effort you put in on your own time. He would like the events to continue, so you raise the options of other people being tasked to organize them or at least to assist you. Now, take what you just imagined and put it into practice.

By approaching your boss about a problem and offering a solution and by doing it at a time other than when he already has his mind set on having another event, you have the best chance of changing the situation and looking like a problem solver rather than a problem creator.

I am a small business owner with only two employees (myself and my business partner). We have a "no soliciting" policy and even display no soliciting signs on our door. Either the solicitors ignore them, or acknowledge the sign and say "I'm going to solicit you anyway." This has actually happened several times. A simple "we don’t accept solicitations" seems like it should work, but it never does. Often, the solicitor puts their hand out to shake mine. I am a germophobe and find this to be an affront to my personal space, especially when the person knows that I have no interest in what they are selling. My partner and I are both no-nonsense, but find it hard to be rude and say something along the lines of "Again, no, and get out" which seems to be the only thing that works. What do you think?

A. W., Seattle, WA

Over the years I have had unsolicited sales people come to my businesses. Invariably my answer to them was "Thanks for stopping by. I can’t talk now. Please send me information. Here’s my card." I would then open the door for them to leave. It worked every time.

Certainly, I agree with you that just because someone is rude to you, that doesn’t mean you can or should be rude to them in return. Two wrongs don’t make a right. There is a difference, however, between being rude, and being firm. In my book, "Get out" is rude; a firm "Please leave now" is not. The next time the unstoppable solicitor enters your business and starts his spiel or insists on speaking with you, in a firm and pleasant voice say something like, "Excuse me, you do not have an appointment, you are interrupting my work day, and I do not have time to talk with you. Now please leave. I have work to do."

Once he has left, contact the company he works for and lodge a complaint about his tactics and inform his boss you do not want to have anyone from the company visit you again.

In spite of the fact I advise people to shake hands when a person reaches out to shake, in your case I would make an exception (germophobe or not and that’s a topic for another column). By not shaking you are clearly saying, "No, I am not acknowledging you." In the end run, you need to be firmer than the solicitor. Good luck.

By Cindy Atoji Keene

Andrew Russo was 22-year-old coffee virgin when he drank his first cup five years ago in a military mess hall. “It tasted like muddy water,” said Russo, then an army officer. “I was amazed at how bad it was.” But this initial encounter launched him on a quest to find the perfect cup of coffee and eventually to become the owner and operator of a food truck. His mobile café on wheels peddles coffee, espresso, cappuccino, lattes and cold brewed beverages in the Metrowest and Boston area.

Before launching Captain’s Coffee Brewers last year, Russo visited cities like Los Angeles and Portland, Ore., sampling everything from pancakes to sushi, served from food trucks. “You name it, it can be done from a truck,” said Russo, who liked the freedom of operating from a food truck and wanted to cash in on the food-truck craze, in which the humble blue-collar lunch option has evolved into a foodie eating experience.
Russo invested in a solar power truck, complete with two grinders, manual press, commercial drip coffee maker, two blenders for smoothies and cappuccinos, and a refrigerator for dairy products and storage, plus numerous other equipment. His food truck debut was before the start of the Boston Marathon, where he served coffee to countless runners, including an Australian who had never seen a food truck before, and said, “What is this? Can you actually get a decent cup coffee from a truck?”

Q: Espresso is brewed right from the equipment in your truck – is that difficult to do?
A: It takes a while to get everything up and running since coffee equipment was never designed by any engineer to be in a truck. In our opening day, for example, there wasn’t enough solar power and the generator wasn’t working that great. But you learn to do different unique things to get to operating efficiency.

Q: Are cities and towns friendly to food trucks?
A: Permits or paperwork are different for every town I go to. There are no standards. I have nine different Board of Health permits, for example. Some towns also require a common victualler license. It’s very frustrating but that’s the nature of the business.

Q: You like to experiment with coffee to find the best blend, adding everything from chocolate chips to oatmeal. But what was one experiment that flopped?
A: I decided to try and blend all the beans available at our roasting facility, about 20 different coffees, just to see what would happen. It was the worst thing I ever had in terms of an experimental drink, but it was worth a shot.

Q: How many cups of coffee do you drink a day now?
A: At least nine cups, and two of those are with extra expresso shots. That’s down from 11 a day. I drink so much mainly because if I experiment, I have to taste it all. I don’t like wasting a drop so I finish the cup, even if it didn’t turn out perfectly.

Q: Every get any parking tickets?
A: No, I try to obey the law.

Q: I have never seen this question in this column before. I am a hiring manager of a growing company. We are selectively adding to our team of engineers. Because of the economy, we have many qualified candidates from which to choose. Sometimes we narrow down the pool of candidates to a few final candidates and then select one that we think will best fit with the team. I have had to turn down many strong candidates. One candidate though has been a bit too overzealous in her follow-up. I often suggest to a strong candidate (who may have been turned down) to follow-up with me periodically. And most candidates will email me every few weeks if they are still interested and looking for a job. This is fine. However, recently, I had a candidate who called me 2-3X per week since May, 2011. Then she will email me minutes later saying that I have not returned her call. Her tone will be aggressive and demanding. She has asked our receptionist for my cell number saying that she has trouble reaching me. Once she even stopped by our reception desk and left a small gift for me. The last straw was that she found me on Facebook and has asked that I “friend” her. I am getting nervous about this woman. She is behaving in a way that is too forceful. I no longer will consider her for our next position. What can I do?

A: Thanks for your question and I can almost feel your anxiety as I read (and re-read) your question. I have run across a few candidates with similar behavioral traits. Simply said, these behaviors can be frightening.

You should put this candidate on notice that her follow-up behavior is beyond what is acceptable. Maybe you did not specify how frequently she should follow-up with you (e.g., once per week or once per month?) or what method (e.g., email or voicemail or only if you have seen a position posted on our website?). However, she has gone beyond what most would consider reasonable and professional limits.

I would suggest emailing this candidate a clear message. The email could read like this:

Mary, I have received all of your emails, voicemails and even a gift from you. I think your follow-up has been excessive. Please discontinue contacting me. I wish you the very best in your job search.

Sending an email provides a “paper trail” of evidence that unquestionably communicates to Mary that her behavior should stop. It may be helpful to have a copy of this email if you ever have to file a complaint against her.

If Mary’s behavior continues, you should consider further action to protect yourself and others in your company and family. If you have building security, I would notify them. You may also want to notify the local police. Stalking and harassment are against the law in Massachusetts.

The other day a manager called for some advice. She wanted her employees to take more initiative and be more resourceful, but for some reason, they didn't get it.

Her problem reminded me of getting lost one day in Paris, while looking for the Seine River.

I asked a few people for direction. "Où est La Seine?" I said.

No one had any idea. Apparently, they'd never heard of the Seine, or else they'd heard of it but just didn't want to discuss it.

I admit my French is terrible. "Pardon me," they might have thought I was saying, "I obviously can't speak a word of your language—so just shoot me. Then throw me in 'La Seine.'"

Eventually, I found the Seine on my own. It's 486 miles long, so it wasn't exactly hiding.

Do you ever feel lost at work?

You probably know people who can't tolerate being lost, even for a second. They ask their manager for help as soon they feel frustrated, or unsure what to do next.

Other people probably should ask for help, but seem content to nibble a croissant, sip a café au lait, and wander around in circles.

What's your expectation about when to ask for direction? What's your manager's?

Some managers get locked into a default style. They always give too much, or too little, direction, regardless of the employee or the project.

But if you've got an exceptional manager, she'll flex her style based on your capabilities.

Here's a good question to ask your manager, early on: "What sorts of problems do you expect to be consulted on, and which ones do you expect me to handle?"

Tip: If you're a manager, don't assume your expectations are clear. They probably aren't.

And if you're an employee, figure out the expectations.

And if you're going to Paris, get a map.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. I have worked for a law firm in a small town for 6 years now, and I’m ready for a change. I have been looking for a job for almost a year now and just came across one I’m really excited about, but the new attorney is very good friends with one of my current attorneys. New guy says he would love to hire me, but he is afraid of harming his friendship with my current boss. We agreed neither of us would tell anyone, but we don’t know how to handle this so that everyone is happy. My current boss is “all business”, and I don’t think he’ll be heartbroken or all that surprised that I want to leave, but how can I be sure that he won’t be mad at his friend? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

A. I., Asheville, NC

A. You’ll never be sure he won’t be mad at his friend, but that shouldn’t stop you from doing the right thing. The best route you and New Guy can go is to let Current Boss know what is going on. You’re fortunate that Current Boss is “all business” and is not likely to be upset with you or let the situation harm his relationship with New Guy. You should approach Current Boss ASAP and say something like: “Thanks for seeing me. As you know I’ve been here for six years. I have really enjoyed my time here and appreciate all you’ve done for me. Recently, I began keeping my eyes open for new opportunities, and one has turned up that whether it happens or not, you should know about. New Guy has an opening at his firm. I’m interested in it and wanted to be sure to tell you about it before you heard it from anyone else.” The key here is you want him to hear the news from you and not a third party source. If you just accept the offer from New Guy the cats out of the bag anyway, and you and he look like you were trying to hide something.

Your big mistake is agreeing not to tell anyone. It may have seemed like it was the best solution, but it really is a subterfuge. The problem with subterfuge—the white lie or anything else you care to call it—is getting caught is much worse than dealing with the situation in an honest way to begin with. Unfortunately, the time you really don’t want to get caught—the time the consequences will be very unpleasant—will be the time you will get caught. Best bet: Come clean right away so you can complete your work with Current Boss on a positive note, begin working for New Guy with a clean conscience, and give New Guy the best chance of maintaining his personal relationship with Current Boss.

Q: I was terminated from my job at 5pm on a Friday right before I was ready to leave for the day. I think the supervisor planned the termination for the end of the week instead of telling me earlier in the week. Should I have been given notice? Am I entitled to severance or other types of additional pay? Is this legal? I was told that I was terminated for tardiness and being unreliable.

A: I am sorry that you were terminated from your job. Unless you have an employment contract or a member of a union, your employer can terminate your employment for any reason, including concerns regarding tardiness and unreliability. Most workers in the US are “at-will” employees and can be terminated at any time for any reason.

Assuming you are an “at-will” employee, your employer can also change your duties, salary or benefits as well. Unless you are a union member or have an employment contract, your employer does not have to provide you with any notice. In Massachusetts, employees who are terminated or laid off, must be in full for any wages due to them. These wages should be paid in full on the day of the lay off or termination. This would include any wages due to you for the hours worked, including the day of your termination. You should have also been paid for any unused but accrued vacation time. Severance pay is not required unless it is specified in an employment or union contract. Assuming you were working in Massachusetts, your employer should have also provided information to you on unemployment benefits. A copy of this information can be found at http://www.mass.gov/Elwd/docs/dua/0590a_508.pdf.

Although you might disagree with how and when your supervisor communicated this information, based on what you presented), it sounds like your termination was likely legal.

Q. I am wondering what's the unspoken etiquette for applying back to the same company after being laid off. My girlfriend was laid off from a small start-up company, and the reason was the company couldn't keep her during this recession. Her boss/president told her that when the business picks up he would contact my girlfriend. This was 6 months ago.

Out of curiosity, I checked this company's website recently and found they are hiring. What does it mean that the former boss has not contacted my girlfriend? Her review shortly before the layoff was good, and I don't believe there was any animosity. Should I tell my girlfriend and encourage her to apply? Or does not being asked to return indicate that she is not welcomed, thus no need to waste her time and energy for it? We are getting financially desperate at this point.

Thank you so much for your help.

Anonymous

A. Yes, you should tell your girlfriend what you have learned, and yes, she should apply. The situation reminds me of the age-old adage: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

At this point what you know is your girlfriend was laid-off six months ago. You also know she received a good review and didn't perceive any negative vibes while she worked there. And you have discovered they are hiring again. What you don't know is why they haven't contacted her, and you'll never know if she doesn't contact them.

Sometimes I think we spend far too much time trying to second guess other people's motives and end up torpedoing ourselves in the process. If your girlfriend simply assumes they don't want her to apply or work there, then she'll never know if her assumption is correct or incorrect. The only way she'll know is to apply. Really, what is the worst that can happen? She doesn't get the job. On the other hand, she may discover they really did like her and want her back.

Your situation is a good reminder to employers to act on what they tell employees. If an employer indicates they will remain in touch and let a person know when a job opening occurs, then they should follow up. By doing what they say they'll do, employers create a positive image of themselves and their company, and that can only help them both in recruiting and in retention. That said, I would give your girlfriend's employer the benefit of the doubt and not read anything specifically negative into the fact that they haven't contacted her. They might have simply assumed she's gotten another job.

"Be careful when you negotiate with her," Mark said. "And don't even mention the word 'lawyer.'"

Mark's our lawyer.

Just back from an island vacation, I'd called Mark about a dispute involving the small house we'd rented for the week.

Two days after we arrived, the upstairs toilet had some issues and—before you could say, "This may not be my favorite rental"—the bathroom flooded.

Then, in a dramatic, "Wait till you see this!" moment, the flood poured down through the dining room ceiling.

You may be curious why I rented a house like this. My wife was certainly curious, although those weren't her exact words.

Apparently, I'd missed the online picture called "Our stately dining room—sometimes, ha, ha, ha, it gets soaked by upstairs plumbing run amok."

I called the owner right away. "You have a lovely home," I told her. "At the moment, it's having a few problems."

The owner agreed that the house was not livable and that she'd refund our money.

Then, next day, she balked.

Well, everyone has their point of view; often it's not yours.

Still, we had followed all her instructions completely, including "call me if there are any plumbing problems."

Ever feel like you're 100% right? We certainly did.

Watch out.

Convinced you're right, it's easy to get triggered. Welcome to the dark side of your brain, the part that thinks like an alligator.

This part is brilliant at threats and ultimatums—"You'll be hearing from my reptilian lawyer"—but not so smart at interpersonal problem-solving.

"You can certainly sue," said Mark. "And you'd probably win. But at what cost?"

Your alligator brain doesn't run a cost-benefit analysis, or realize that threats and ultimatums often spiral out of control, just like an over-flowing toilet.

Before you know it, you're knee-deep in counter-threats, legal bills, wasted time, etc. And it smells bad.

"Appeal to her better nature," advised Mark.

So we did. I'd like to report that worked like a charm. It didn't. Nor was it emotionally satisfying.

But we did retrieve some money. Someday, we may even contemplate another vacation.

Tip: Threats can be useful. But don't use threats just because you're emotionally triggered.

Step away—at least till you can think straight. And, in a situation like mine, watch where you step.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. I am hoping you can help with a sticky situation related to temping. I took an assignment with an employer seven weeks ago whose end was contingent on the hiring of a full-time staff person for the position. I got the “have no expectations, this is not a temp-to-perm” speech my first day, and I was fine with that. But two weeks later my boss (the President) decided my resume had to be included in the candidate pool. I demurred at some length about conflicts of interest, but she pushed the issue. I interviewed. I am fairly certain I was not their selection, but have no concrete confirmation of this. In the meantime, time is passing, and I have other prospective opportunities in the works. And my kid needs to go to the dentist before school starts. Given that we’ve “crossed the streams” here, and that this is a profoundly touchy and emotional workplace, how do I ask for an end-of-assignment date politely and professionally?

TD, Pensacola, FL

A. Asking for an end-of-assignment date really has nothing to do with the issue of your job search. It has to do with having concrete information on which to base your next step in employment. When pursing your “other prospective opportunities” you need to know when your current work ends, so you can honor your commitment to your current boss and let prospective employers know when you’ll be available. Touchy and emotional do not matter, and it’s not that hard to find out what you need to know politely. Simply ask to speak with your boss. “Jane, thanks for talking with me. I asked to see you because I would like to establish a definitive end date for my work with you on the project.” You can even follow up by suggesting a specific date. “Would two weeks from today be sufficient time to wrap things up?” You can also use the conversation as an opportunity to seek closure on your application for the permanent position. You can either ask if a decision has been made, or, if you are convinced you really don’t want to work for your boss beyond your current project, you can explain that as your situation has changed (no further explanation is needed) that you are no longer a candidate for the position.

The bottom line here is: Don’t let your boss drive your bus. She’s not in charge of your employment decisions, you are. You’ve applied at her request and she hasn’t provided an answer in a timely fashion. In the meantime you have pursued other possibilities, and those may involve working with someone with whom you’d prefer to work. You need to know when you’ll be free to move on.

I am working the summer before I go to college at a pizzeria. I got the job
at the pizzeria through my best friend, who already worked there and told me they needed another person, and recommended me to the owner. She works more hours a week than me, and since I have a second job while she doesn’t, I feel that this is reasonable. However, the owner wants to increase our hours. Discussing this, my friend wants to take the overwhelming majority of hours (approx. 18) and leaving me with 2 additional hours. I’ve mentioned this concern to her, but she has defended herself by saying that she really needs the money for college. So do I. The owner is understandably reluctant to intervene (teenage girls can be a mess to deal with) so I’m left on my own preserving the job and friendship. Is there a way to tactfully negotiate a more equitable distribution of working hours?

Anonymous

In a nutshell, the problem is the boss. The solution, therefore, is the boss. The boss does the hiring, the firing, and the scheduling. The boss should be allocating the hours worked by each employee. Not to do this sets up exactly the kind of situation you find yourself in: two employees vying for and having to decide who gets to do what. And that is a formula for confrontation and stress.

Suggest to your friend that together you ask the boss to mediate the situation. It’s the only way you can resolve it without either damaging your friendship or salvaging the friendship but feeling that you are getting the short end of the stick.

If the boss continues to put the decision onto you and your friend’s shoulders, then the two of you need to sit down and hash it out. Before you engage in that conversation, think through what would be an equitable split. Twenty hours equates to two and one-half days of work. A split of two hours and eighteen hours seems lopsided. But given that you want to maintain a relationship with your friend and you already have a second job, realistically, how much additional time can you take on? Before you start the conversation have a solution in mind. For instance: Would one extra day be enough for you given that you already have some hours and a second job? Whatever you think would be an equitable split, be specific and positive when you engage your friend: “Marge, you’re my close friend, and I don’t want anything like these extra hours to come between us. I’ve been thinking about how we might handle divvying up the hours. Would it work for you if I got eight hours and you got twelve? That would be one extra day for me while you’d get a day and a half or twelve hours. What do you think?”

Good luck.

Q: I work in a growing technology company. Before this company, I worked at a larger technology company. After working here several months I have begun to realize that there are lots of personal and familial relationships which seem to interfere with how we run this business. I just discovered that the Chairman of the Board is a childhood friend and fraternity brother of a senior executive. They often share stories of the “good old days.” Also, two senior leaders are married to each other. Our CFO has a son that works in sales. I think favoritism and personal relationships are impacting how we run our business. This would have never been allowed at my last company. Is this normal for small companies? It is so odd. It seems incestuous. I feel like I am at a disadvantage because I don’t have any internal connections.

A: Personal and business relationships in the workplace sometimes don’t mix. Sometimes just the appearance of a conflict of interest can spark suspicions about favoritism or impartiality.

Often companies will institute a conflicts of interest policy and/or a hiring of friends and relatives policy. These policies specify what is acceptable, but also, more importantly, what is not acceptable. In some companies, these are very strictly interpreted while other companies are more lax. Some small companies don’t have such policies but the CEO or other senior-level person will put a stop to conflicts or personal relationships that can impair independent decision-making.

Sometimes even relationships outside of the company can interfere with how a company runs. Some companies avoid external vendors who might have internal personal relationships with decision-makers within a company. As an example, ABC, Inc. may not allow DEF, Inc. provide professional tax services to ABC because a senior partner of DEF is related to a board member of ABC.

Often times, many of my clients prohibit hiring relatives of employees, officer, Directors or Trustees for certain positions. The role and the reporting relationship(s) are evaluated as part of the decision to permit the employee to be hired. Even household members are sometimes considered family member, especially with respect to a supervisory/employee relationship. Some of the policies that I have reviewed even state that close personal friendships may also interfere with impartiality and should be avoided in some cases. Finally, many of my clients have such policies because personal relationships do interfere with company business.

There were 10 men in the room. All of us were stunned.

It was the last night of childbirth class. Up till then, we'd discussed childbirth rather extensively. Still, we had no idea, really, what to expect.

Childbirth, for the men, was an intriguing, faraway concept, sort of like New Zealand.

Then, last class, we watched a video. It showed a woman giving birth.

I wouldn't have minded some editing, here and there. But this video was determined to show everything, even if it took several days.

"That was unbelievable," one man said during the break.

"I'm not feeling well," said another.

No one, of course, had learned any new information. But something had changed.

You can know something in different ways. You can know, theoretically, that you're going to die. But that's different than knowing your death is imminent.

How then do you persuade others?

Sometimes, we assume that all it takes is the right information, or the right argument, to make a compelling case.

Wrong.

People are multi-dimensional. Imagine three centers of intelligence: head, heart, hands. Each requires something different.

1) Head: What do you want your audience to think? To influence thinking, provide facts and data. Use logic. Ask thought-provoking questions.

2) Heart: What do you want others to feel? To influence feeling, tell compelling stories. Ask others to imagine a vivid scene. Disclose how you feel.

3) Hands: What do you want others to do? To influence doing, model the desired behavior, or show what not to do. Encourage practice. Call for action.

I remember working with a jet engine company. If you make jet engines and you hear about a plane crash, the first thing you wonder, Was that one of our engines?

One day the answer was "yes." Fortunately, everyone on board survived, but the company seized the event as a teachable moment.

They invited the pilot into the plant.

He showed pictures of his wife and children, described how he felt as the plane was going down.

Everyone at the plant had always known about quality. But that pilot changed their commitment.

Tip: The next time you communicate, consider head, heart, hands. When your message is important, speak to all three.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. My boss does not communicate with me or give me feedback on anything. Occasionally he emails me about something but I have little to no direct communication with him. A few weeks ago I asked to meet with him to discuss the situation, he agreed to meet, and then cancelled. When I asked again to talk to him, he said he was too busy. I am very hurt by the way he treats me. I did speak to HR and I was told that I would have to figure out whether I wanted to stay or not. Not much help there. I don't know what to do. It's not like there are lots of job opportunities if I were to decide to leave. What should I do?

A. An employee's experience at work is most often dominated by their experience with their manager. I am sorry for what sounds like a terrible situation. There are many reasons why your manager may be acting the way he is and none are acceptable. He may not be happy with your performance, and can't figure out how to tell you. He may think you need too much attention and feedback.

Communication on a regular basis is a reasonable expectation for an employee to have of a manager, and this should not be a surprise for anyone in a management role. Developing managers and helping them support their employees is a key role for human resources, but it seems this didn't happen here. Or the message you have been not so subtly provided by human resources is that the situation will remain as it is, and you have some choices to make about your comfort staying at an organization where communication will not be provided to the extent you need or want.

If your manager treats colleagues in a similar way, the issue may be the structure of your manager’s role, and his focus on his functional responsibilities as opposed to his managerial responsibilities. This is often the case with newly promoted managers, or technical experts promoted with little management training. Organizations can and should develop skills in managers who have relied on their functional expertise to lead in the past, and may not know how to accomplish work through others via management skills. Many companies have neglected this level of development during the cost cutting of the last few years. Employees are not happy working with difficult managers, and will begin to look for external opportunities. There will be an organizational cost to this kind of turnover, which typically starts with great performers, and high potentials.

If your relationship with your manager stands out for its lack of communication, evaluate other issues. Can it be that you are looking for too much communication, direction and feedback? It would be preferable for your manager to deliver that message directly to you as opposed to ignoring you, and you may have heard this message and not internalized its meaning. Professionals do have to adjust to their manager’s style. Your manager seems to have a style with limited communication and direction, with the expectation that you should be self-managed and motivated, with a limited need for feedback. Many managers believe no feedback is good feedback, and you'll hear from them as needed.

You do have options. Adjust to your manager’s style, and find feedback elsewhere. Or start a job search where the manager and management culture will offer you the support you want.

Q: I am in my mid-50s and feel like I am being discriminated against in job interviews. How do I show to a potential employer that I could outwork any 30 year old with the same skill set? This employment market is difficult but even more difficult if you have a few gray hairs. Please don’t give me legal advice, just practical advice.

A: Unfortunately, discrimination does exist. And it may be impacting you personally in this job market.

But let me offer some practical counsel on how you can move an interviewer from thinking about your age to focusing on your capabilities. There are stereotypes associated with more mature job seekers. A short list of some of those stereotypes might include:

- being inflexible or rigid
- having outdated skills or work style
- being slow to pick up new ideas, concepts or skills
- working more effectively in a traditional, hierarchical environment (rather than a collaborative, open environment)

Knowing that these are common stereotypes, how can you demonstrate that these misconceptions don’t describe you as a candidate?

1. Dress and accessorize in a current way. Leave your 20-year old suit home. (Or better yet, donate it!) Walk through an office park or office building and observe how professionals are dressing. There is some variation between industries for sure. Ask a trusted colleague for candid feedback on your professional dress. Be willing to accept it and adapt if needed. Carry yourself in a confident and energetic manner. A 2010 www.boston.com article on the topic might be helpful - http://www.boston.com/jobs/galleries/interviewdress2010/.

I recently had to accept some difficult criticism from a family member regarding my style of casual dress. On a recent daytrip, I was told, “Ditch the fanny pack. It makes you look frumpy.” Hmmm… that feedback was hard to take. However, I no longer wear the fanny pack!

2. Be able to demonstrate that you have current skills. Talk about current technologies and trends in your industry. Don’t remember and recall days of the past when mainframes, live operators and little pink message slips were commonplace in most business environments. Avoid comments like: “I remember using a typewriter!” Although experience is helpful, employers are also looking for forward-thinking employees.

3. Provide examples where learning a new skill or talent was exciting. Weave into your interview real-life examples from your work or even personal life which show that you are vibrant, enthusiastic and energetic. I have a 60-plus year old sister who has both a bike and a kayak. She is the epitome of good health and energy. If you have similar interests, mention them in a casual way. (“Oh yes, I know exactly where your office is located. I enjoy the bike trail that runs behind your building almost every weekend in the spring.”)

4. Share examples of when you worked in a high energy, collaborative and unstructured environment. (“When I worked at ABC Inc., it was a high energy and very casual environment. It was an incredibly fun place to work. There was a group of us who took night classes at XYZ College right down the street.”)

If you knock down early age-related assumptions about you as a job seeker, an interviewer is more likely to re-focus on your skills, capabilities and potential as an employee. Discrimination does exist, no doubt. Neither one of us can eliminate it in the employment market. You can, however, be mindful of the common stereotypes, and try to re-direct the focus to your professional work experience and capabilities.

My husband works with several single ladies. We both are uncomfortable with the single ladies text messaging him about non-work related matters. How can he communicate this boundary without being rude? Should he just not respond or should he say something?

B. G., Gholson, TX

That’s awkward. Certainly, simply not responding would be rude. People resent being ignored and not responding to a text message is the equivalent of ignoring the sender.

Are the text messages innocuous ramblings? If they are, he can try responding with a simple “Thanks for the message” or “Got it”. While it may not stop the messages, it also doesn’t encourage further “conversation”. He can also wait a day or two before responding. While I recommend that most messages should be responded to within 24 hours, by waiting he shows he is not interested in a continued text message conversation.

If the messages are in the form of a question, he’s got more of a dilemma. Not answering would be rude, but answering engages him in a conversation that could continue back and forth numerous times. At this point he does need to say something. He also needs to say something if the texts are inappropriate or provocative. The key is to do it tactfully. “Jane, thanks, I got your text. In the future I’d appreciate it if we kept text messages to work matters only. That would really help me stay focused on my job while I’m here, and on my family during off-hours. Thank you.”

The more I travel and teach, the more convinced I am that texting is becoming a bigger and bigger issue in the office. Receiving personal phone calls is a big enough problem,but at least it is easy for others at work to see it happening. Personal texting at work is a game changer because it is so easy to do it without being caught. Businesses are recognizing the cost in reduced productivity, and they will not stand idly by. Personal calls, texts, emails, IM’s – not to mention non-business web browsing and sneak peeks at social network updates are becoming commonplace in the workplace, and companies are initiating crackdowns. Even if your company doesn’t have a “rule,” if you make or receive personal calls or text messages, others including your boss, will notice, and it will not do your image or future success any good.

The best option for workers with smart phones and cell phones is to turn them off or put them on vibrate and not respond unless it is a legitimate business call or text message. Use break time and lunchtime to respond- that’s your time. While at work, your focus should be on your work.

Q: I just joined a company after six months of unemployment. I had some reservations about joining this company but job opportunities aren’t exactly plentiful in my field. I took the job and started about a month ago. Here is the problem: it is commonplace, almost encouraged to swear and rant and rave all the time. My boss is the worst. It is incredibly offensive. He will yell profanities. I have counted and sometimes he swears more than 20 times per day. And not “under your breath” mumbling profanities. Instead, these are extremely loud profanities. It doesn’t seem to even faze him when employees run out of his office when he starts his tirade. No one seems even willing to report this to HR. HR is on a different floor and rarely visits our department.

A: Often the senior-most leader in the department, company or business unit sets the tone for culture. If this person works long hours, others feel compelled to work long hours. If this person is forthright and candid, others see that behavior and understand that is how business is conducted. If this person swears a lot, others think that this is acceptable behavior. Often times, employees will model this behavior (whether positive or negative) thinking that this behavior may help advance their careers.

It sounds like your manager sets the tone for your department. Your manager’s behavior could be interpreted as harassment, especially if this behavior occurs on a regular basis. Your company could be held liable for his behavior.

It is unclear to me why employees would not contact your HR department. I understand that some employees may feel like they have to suffer through this behavior. They may not want to “rock the boat.” Instead, they would rather put their heads down and endure the yelling. Some might even be happy that they have a job. You are right -- jobs in some industries are scarce now. The instability of this economy leads many employees to avoid confrontation and just try to ignore inappropriate behavior. I call this the “gopher syndrome.” Employees will retreat to their “holes” to avoid and hopefully survive.

You could request that a member of your HR team periodically visit your department. Ask that an HR representative be more visible with “open eyes and open ears.” Hopefully, the member of the HR team will directly observe one of your manager’s tirades.

Confronting hostile behavior is difficult and can be uncomfortable. However, you and your colleagues should be able to work in a respectful environment. If this behavior continues, I would suggest trying to talk to a colleague about approaching HR together. You could also consider submitting your concerns in a confidential memo.

"It was all luck . . . and nothing else."

That's Mario Cuomo, talking recently to The New York Times (4/10/11) about how he became Governor of New York.

You've probably had the same thought, perhaps not about Mario Cuomo, but about yourself.

There's charm to downplaying your success. But if you truly regard your accomplishments as lucky, that's dangerous.

It means you don't know how you did whatever you did. Therefore, you can't repeat it. Or teach others.

Also, not knowing your strengths and skills, you feel like a fraud.

Do you know your strengths?

You certainly know your weaknesses—at least the ones other people have been telling you about, over and over.

Take me:

1) I have no sense of direction. If you ever get lost in a car with me, and I advise you to turn right, don't.

2) Filing. I'm awful at it. Every few months, I resolve to de-clutter. Then I re-clutter. That's been going on for years.

3) I can't swim three lengths of a pool in a flight suit and tennis shoes. This one doesn't come up much. But it might, according to NASA, if I decided to become an astronaut, which I won't (see #1).

You can't build a career around repairing your weaknesses.

Strengths are more solid. Unfortunately, your strengths are often invisible, at least to you.

Strengths come so naturally that we take them for granted, like a fish that never needed swimming lessons.

How do you identify your strengths?

1) Self-assess. One useful book: "Strengths Finder 2.0," by Tom Rath. It identifies 34 strengths. Skim the book in 10 minutes to find a few of yours.

Some have strange names, like "woo" (acronym for Winning Others Over).

"All my taxi drivers," says one woman, quoted for woo, "propose to me."

I've been in a lot of taxis, both as a passenger and, years ago, as a driver (hopelessly lost). Nothing like that ever happened to me.

Obviously, I need more woo.

Another good resource: Richard Bolles' "What Color is Your Parachute Workbook," based on his best-selling "Parachute" book (disclaimer: I'm briefly mentioned in that book).

Bolles lists 69 skills, arranged in three categories: People (there are 25 different people skills); Information (20 skills); Things (24 skills).

He suggests taking one of your accomplishments, from any age, and checking off the skills you used. Do that 5-6 times, for 5-6 different accomplishments—suddenly, you see a pattern.

2) Ask others. Ask a few people to write you a letter about your strengths. Ask your friends, your family, your manager.

Got woo? Ask your next cab driver.

Tip: Know your strengths—you're more likely to get "lucky."

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

I work in a VERY casual construction management office. It includes the owner, his daughter, and me. The daughter of the owner and I are concerned with the image that the owner is representing to our customers and vendors. Whenever we need to get paid or are being asked for money from our vendors, the owner starts telling them how broke we are, how much money he didn’t make last year, his credit card got cut off, anything. It works sometimes to expedite a payment from a customer or hold off vendors for a while, but we feel like eventually our customers and vendors will not want to work with someone who is constantly out of money. How can we tell him that this is inappropriate? What else could he say? (If it helps to clarify, in the construction industry, our contracts state that we do not get paid until the general contractor gets paid, who has to wait until the owner of the property pays them. Our vendors follow a strict net thirty-day schedule. So, even if we haven’t been paid for the work we’ve completed, we’re expected to pay for the materials and labor).

M. M., Richmond, VA

Something seems unusual here. The general contractors I’ve talked to about this situation indicate that when they subcontract work to a firm like yours, they are on the hook to pay you in a specified time regardless of whether they are paid by the client or not, just as your company is responsible to pay any suppliers or sub-contractors you engage on their net thirty-day terms. They also indicate that companies should have the financial wherewithal to cover paying a vendor. That can involve keeping cash reserves or a line of credit. As the client, I’ve paid general contractors at regular intervals through the job so the general contractor could make timely payments to his subs.

The etiquette part of the question involves the tactics your boss is using to delay payment or to induce payment. I fear you are right, and the general contractors I’ve talked to say you are right. If he plays this “poor” card repeatedly, vendors will tire of constantly being put off. Once in a while is one thing, but repeatedly complaining and delaying will become a problem. Nobody wants to do business with a whiner.

It’s time for you and his daughter to talk with him. The conversation has to be conducted in a calm manner and be focused on the concern you have for the welfare of the business. Start the conversation by explaining that you have the best interests of the business in mind. Then bring up your concern that if he continues to present an image of being cash-strapped, your business may be hurt both by vendors who don’t want to do business with him and by general contractors who won’t want to hire him. Be ready to examine what is necessary for the business to meet payments to vendors and what is reasonable to expect in terms of payments from general contractors. Good luck.

Q. One of my colleagues tosses her trash into my wastebasket (near the opening to my cubicle) as she walks by every day. She doesn't even break stride, she just tosses as she passes by. What's wrong with her basket in her cube (6 feet away) is a mystery. This behavior is odd but hardly actionable... until this morning. I find her most recent toss missed, and her soiled paper towel is *next to* my wastebasket. I placed the item in the basket and then used some hand sanitizer. How am I supposed to respond? I am not going to literally clean up after her again.

A. Open work areas can pose some challenges, and people with a lack of awareness of other people, or boundaries often need the obvious pointed out to them. An easy answer might be to move your wastebasket away from the opening to your cube. I know it is aggravating to change your preferred location, and the cleaning people might not appreciate the loss of access, but it may lead to a great way to begin a conversation that will eliminate communal trash.

As she proceeds to stride by, and begin her toss, we will hope she notices the basket is not there. She may ask where it is, and you can say “I moved it so people don't use it, as they miss and I don't want to pick up other people's trash. And I don't want someone's smelly lunch in there either, so I am helping you, and other people break the habit of using my basket.”

The work environment is full of petty annoyances. If you can ignore them, please do. If not, the sooner you put an end to them, even if people wonder why you care whose trash goes into your bin, the better. A light hearted comment about her being one of the many basketball players looking at lock out might be appropriate, as her aim is clearly missing.

People in cubicles and more open work areas need to be VERY considerate about a host of behaviors including voice volume and nose blowing and TOTALLY considerate about not participating in other behaviors including grooming (NO nail clipping!) and other bodily functions. All these issues should not need human resources policies, but do need a considerate and assertive workforce.

I have been training at a new job for 5 weeks now. The trainer is not very organized and has put no effort or thought into this process. Many people have been asking me how the training is going. What is a good response? Some of the closer co-workers know it is not going well, but others have no clue. What is a tactful way to answer their question, especially if the person asking is from higher up in the company? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

A. S., De Pere, WI

Best advice? Don’t say anything disparaging about the training or the trainer, as no good will come of it. At five weeks into your job, you’re not yet in a position to criticize and this isn’t the time to start rocking the boat. The trainer has been there lots longer than you and is probably a person of higher status. In spite of what you think, it’s likely someone at the company thinks the trainer is doing a good job. Unfortunately, from a statistics standpoint, complaining is not likely to get you very far because higher-ups tend to be protected at the expense of the workers doing the complaining.

I’m concerned that you may be treading on thin ice. Your comment about “some of the closer workers know it’s not going well” implies that you already have spoken to some people about your perception of the training. While you may think those close workers have your back and would never do anything to harm you, they may unintentionally let slip what you have said to them. And if those opinions get back to the trainer or your boss, you may find yourself having to explain your complaints. No matter how poor a job the trainer may actually be doing, it’s not your job to talk about it to your co-workers. In essence, what you’re conveying is your opinion, aka hearsay or gossip.

Therefore, non-committal answers may be the best way for you to answer people who ask how the training is going: “It’s tough but I’m getting through it.” Or “Thanks for asking. It’s different than what I expected. I’ll be glad when I can get to work doing what I came here to do.” It really doesn’t matter if the person asking is higher up or not. The answer is still the same.

Once you’ve been at the company for a period of time, say a year, and if you still feel strongly that the training you received was inadequate, then you might approach your boss with your observations and offer some suggestions on how to improve the program, without in any way disparaging the trainer.

Q: My company is small and a bit disorganized. We are in start-up mode. I had worked in a much more formal company before. I am getting used to working in a more chaotic, but still fun environment. I like this new company a lot. I supervise a few entry-level people. All are great performers. I am a bit uneasy about how some of the employees dress in the spring and summer time. At my former company, HR would issue an email in April to provide guidance on this issue. And it was addressed in our employee handbook. How should I address it?

A: When the temperature climbs, I often receive inquiries regarding dress in the workplace. Warm weather often brings challenges in terms of professional dress, even in the most casual environments.

Let’s start by first finding out if there is a company dress code or guidelines in place. There may be a policy or established guidelines that you may not be aware of. Ask another supervisor or the person who handles some of the Human Resources (HR) tasks.

If no policy exists, talk to your manager about establishing some guidelines. If you are struggling with the issue, it is probably reasonable to assume that other supervisors might also be facing this challenge.

I talked to an 11-year old dress code expert, my daughter. In some cases, our schools do a better job of articulating guidelines than companies do. According to Haley Sinacole, a soon-to-be seventh grader, the guidelines that have been established at her school are based on the "Six Bs". What are the Six Bs? The Six Bs is an abbreviation for saying no to the following: bellies, butts, breasts, bras, boxers and backs. Some companies have adopted the Six Bs because it sends a message of flexibility but also some limits.

Some companies publish an even stronger dress code, including more specific requirements of what is acceptable and also what is not. Additionally some companies have guidelines for dress specifically targeting client-facing meetings or client-facing roles.

1) Too many slides; too few slides. How many should you use? I usually say ten, only because it's a finite number and it's less than 1,000.

A better answer: It depends.

It depends, for example, on whether your audience can see you. If so, use fewer slides—or none.

But if you're leading a virtual meeting, and you're invisible to the audience, change your slides every minute or so to keep things moving. The other day, I used 28 slides for a 90 minute webinar. It worked.

2) Too many words. Venture capitalist Guy Kawasaki suggests the 10-20-30 rule: don't use more than 10 slides, don't talk more than 20 minutes, don't use less than 30 point font.

A 30 point font is large. That's good. Less words mean more attention.

Otherwise, it's as if you're talking, and your slide is also talking, and the audience is wondering, "Should I listen or read?"

Their solution: daydream.

3) Reading the slide. One way to stay in synch with your slides is to read them aloud. Don't.

Your audience can read twice as fast as you can talk. You might as well just take all your slides and mail them.

Exception: one person who could read aloud and still hold an audience was Tim Russert, the longest-serving host of NBC's "Meet the Press."

When interviewing politicians, he'd often read from the screen, word by word, something his guest once said, such as, "Apple pie is very good!"

Then, he'd show a more recent quote from the same politician: "Apple pie is very bad. In fact, apple pie is extremely carcinogenic!"

This technique worked because he used it sparingly, and because no one else was doing it, and because Tim Russert had his own magic.

That's the thing about attention (and it's why PP slides can be deadly): we like novelty.

4) Laser pointer. If you're using a laser pointer, you've got too many points.

I once watched a CEO use a laser pointer in a very intriguing, random way. You never really knew where his pointer was going next: the screen, the ceiling, your face.

I don't think it was intentional; he just didn't have a smooth technique.

But laser pointers, pointed at the eye, can cause damage. The CEO's audience stayed awake that day, I think primarily out of fear.

5) Bad titles. Each slide needs a good title so that if people space out, they can re-orient themselves quickly.

Examples: "Don't ever eat apple pie!" or, "Roomful of execs blinded by laser pointer!"

These are good titles.

6) Standing in front of the screen. That only works if you want to make sure that no one sees it.

(Sometimes presenters move off to the side, but still manage to block the people sitting on the periphery.)

7) Bad entrance, bad exit. Treat each slide as a mini-presentation. Don't jump right into the details, give us an overview first. And at the end, tell us the point.

Also, if you're not going to use another slide for a while, darken the screen. My favorite PP trick: press the "B" button to make the screen black. Then press "B" again when you want it back on.

If you do.

Tip: The next time you speak, remember—the main visual is you.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

I am in a newly constructed open plan office with a communal kitchen. The acoustics project any conversation in the kitchen into the adjacent office space. A small group without desks in this space seemed unaware of this, so I labored over an email to say, as diplomatically as possible, to the lead of the group that she may want to tell them that their conversations are easily overheard. I wanted to let them know to avoid any embarrassment on their part for what was overheard. The next time two of them entered the kitchen, one said to the other in a sarcastic stage whisper “shhh…shhh. They can hear us”. I did hear them and felt upset at this reaction. Now it feels like a bigger deal that I don’t want to pursue, but nevertheless I’m sorely disappointed and still feel I was in the right. I fear reprisals, however and being considered unreasonable even though I truly don’t think this is unreasonable.

M. W., Melbourne, Australia

It’s so unfortunate that what started out as a simple considerate action on your part to let people know that conversations in the kitchen were being overheard has escalated into a relationship issue. It sounds like the real problem here is not your original message but the possible misinterpretation of your intent. The real culprit may be the way the message was delivered—by email.

Unfortunately, when you compose an email, people receiving it have no other clues (like body language or facial expressions or tone of voice) to help them understand your intent. Email is great for transmitting factual information: who, what, when where. But when it gets into issues that seem to be about judgment or opinion or belief—the why—without those additional clues, it’s easy for people to see the negative in the message.

At this point you have two options: you can do nothing and hope the situation blows over. Now they’ve had the chance to let you know they know that you can hear them, that may be the end of it. If, on the other hand, you want to proactively try to resolve the situation, it’s time to talk to the person to whom you wrote the email. Let her know you are concerned that your email may have been misinterpreted. You really only wanted to let them know how easily you and others can hear what’s being said in the kitchen and wanted them to know it before they said anything private or confidential. You hope she and her friends realize you only had their best interests at heart. To be successful in your conversation, try to be genuine and sincere, not accusatory or defensive in your tone, and inject a little humor if you can. Projecting a “no harm, no foul” attitude coupled with a smile may put the situation to rest. Good luck.

Q. Although my employer does not require us to carry cell phones & made us all sign an agreement to not use our cell phones while driving, the company dispatcher is constantly calling the drivers. Can the employer be held liable for accidents?

A. Safety is a personal issue, and a personnel issue. Your own good judgment needs to protect you and multitasking at the wheel does nothing to contribute to your safety, or the safety of those around you. Mobility continues to increase the need for people doing their jobs to communicate with their employers multiple times during the day, and mobile phones have made that very easy.

Law enforcement, insurance companies, and politicians see safety as the priority, and auto and cell phone accessory manufacturers are doing their best to offer you many options to stay in touch while minimizing risk. Your employer has taken precautions to eliminate the risk of using cell phones and driving by having you sign agreements.

If your employer has asked you not to use cell phones while driving, perhaps that is the expectation, and this was not communicated to the dispatcher. What happens if you choose not to answer calls while you are driving, and instead call the dispatcher during stops? Employers are not always aware of the inner most workings of certain parts of an organization, or aware of the liability they face with actions that violate signed agreements, and even city or state regulations.

I consulted Rachelle Green, a litigator specializing in employment law at Duffy & Sweeney in Providence, RI. Attorney Green advises employers, "This scenario provides a good opportunity for a reminder: it doesn’t matter how good written policies are if they are not consistently enforced. When employers show lassitude in enforcing policies, courts will generally give little weight to such policies when offered in the company’s defense".

"It is likely the company would be liable if this employee was in an accident while on a call with the dispatcher. In this case, because the driver was on company business (and may have been driving a company vehicle) and because it appears as if the employee had little choice to ignore the call, it is hard to imagine the company getting away without any liability. If the company’s management had actual or constructive knowledge that its dispatcher regularly called employees on their cell phones while driving on company business, the company policy prohibiting cell phone use while driving would be far from compelling evidence in its favor".

Attorney Green also points out that several courts across the country have refused to dismiss employers from cases arising from accidents allegedly caused by employees’ work related cell phone use, including when the employee was handling a call on the ride to or from work, and was not actually on the clock.

Q. This is something I am really tired of. I have always been reserved and introverted, but I am a friendly, smiling person. Today at work (I work in a public place) I made eye contact with a patron and smiled,. She said to me, “Do you talk?” This is the same question I heard as an 8 -year old, a 15- year-old, and a 21-year old, and now at 28! I responded with “Yes, I talk” and then motioned to show that there had been nobody around me and said, “I have nobody to talk to at the moment.”

J. M., Williston Park, N.Y.

Q: I am one of eight children. My father died many years ago. My mother is 87 years old and is lives in an assisted living community. She is not able to live independently. I am the oldest daughter. One of my brothers is 17 years younger than I am. He is battling a life-threatening condition. His health will likely deteriorate over the next few months. He is unmarried and does not have children. I would like to take some time to care for him toward the end of his life. I was told by my HR department that I do not qualify for an FMLA leave because he is my brother, not my child. This seems absurd to me. Can you help me better understand FMLA?

A: I am very sorry that you are facing such a sad and challenging situation with a loved one. Although the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) provides job-protected time off to care for a seriously ill family member, it does not expressly provide an employee with the right to job-protected leave to care for a seriously ill sibling. However, it is not out of the question that an FMLA leave could apply to your situation.

I consulted Attorney Jeffrey A. Dretler, Partner in the Employment Law Practice Group at Prince Lobel Tye LLP. According to Dretler:

The FMLA is a federal law which grants eligible employees the right to take job-protected, unpaid leave (or to substitute paid leave if the employee has earned or accrued it), for up to a total of 12 workweeks in any 12-month period. An eligible employee is one who has been employed by the employer for at least a year, has worked at least 1,250 hours during the 12-month period immediately preceding the leave and works at a worksite where 50 or more employees are employed within 75 miles of that worksite. The FMLA authorizes the leave for any one of the following purposes:
(1) the birth of a son or daughter, and to care for the newborn child;
(2) the placement with the employee of a son or daughter for adoption or foster care;
(3) to care for the employee's spouse, son, daughter, or parent with a serious health condition;
(4) because of a serious health condition that makes the employee unable to perform the functions of the employee's job;
(5) because of any qualifying exigency arising out of the fact that the employee's spouse, son, daughter, or parent is a covered military member on or called to active duty (e.g., to attend military events, for childcare and school activities, to make financial and legal arrangements, for counseling or to spend time with a covered military member who is on short-term rest and recuperation); and
(6) to care for a covered service member with a serious injury or illness if the employee is the spouse, son, daughter, parent, or next of kin of the service member.

The definition of “son or daughter” for purposes of FMLA leave taken for birth or adoption, or to care for a family member with a serious health condition (1, 2 or 3, above), includes a legal ward or a child of a person standing in ‘loco parentis,’ where the child is either under age 18 or age 18 or older and incapable of self-care because of a mental or physical disability. Persons who are "in loco parentis" include those with day-to-day responsibilities to care for and financially support a child, even where there is no biological or legal relationship (e.g., employee caring for unmarried partner’s child or grandparent caring for grandchild). "In loco parentis" may also apply where an employee seeks leave to care for an "in loco parentis" parent who raised the employee as a child. Thus, if you were to be declared the legal guardian of your brother, or can demonstrate that you serve in an "in loco parentis" relationship to him, it is possible that you may qualify for FMLA leave to care for him. The fact that you are seventeen years older than your brother, that he is unmarried, without children, and your mother is unable to care for him, all weigh in favor of "in loco parentis" status. The only other circumstance where the FMLA could entitle an employee to a job-protected leave of absence to care for a sibling would be in circumstances where that sibling is a military service member injured in active duty and the employee is the service member’s next of kin.

Thus, while your HR Department is correct that the FMLA does not expressly grant an employee the right to job-protected leave to care for a seriously ill sibling, you might consider whether becoming his legal guardian or demonstrating “in loco parentis” status is possible. Even if you do not qualify for FMLA leave, you may consider talking to your manager or supervisor to explain your circumstances and request that the employer grant your request for a leave of absence even if you are ineligible for an FMLA leave. Some of my clients have personal leave policies where the employer will grant a leave of absence for a shorter period of time than FMLA provides, usually one month. Your employer is not obligated to grant your request, but depending on your company’s values, its current financial and business situation and your role within the company, it may be willing to grant your request.

You're probably not sending photos of yourself, in your underwear, to strangers in Seattle, as a U.S. congressman admitted doing the other day.

It was "part of a joke," he said.

But have you ever said or done something offensive? And then, when people reacted negatively, claimed, "I was just joking."

The head of the NYC school system resigned recently after a bad joke (plus other mistakes). Overcrowded schools, she joked, could be fixed with birth control.

That joke contributed to a dismal approval rating of 17%.

Sigmund Freud, years ago, wrote a book on jokes. He believed jokes expressed dark impulses, like lust (the congressman's "joke") and aggression (the school chief's).

"Today, I've signed legislation," President Reagan joked, "that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

Reagan delivered that line in 1984 while testing a microphone before a radio address.

It was a terrible joke. Russia certainly didn't giggle. Their army went on alert (Wikipedia).

Now consider Reagan's best joke: "Honey, I forgot to duck," a line first used by the boxer Jack Dempsey after losing a fight.

The remarkable thing was not the joke, but Reagan's timing.

The 69th day of his presidency, he'd been shot, and was telling his wife about the assassination attempt. The bullet came within an inch of his heart.

If someone shot me, I'm not sure I'd respond by joking around.

Sometimes, I complain when I have a head cold, or if my back is a little stiff, so I can't see being overly cheerful if there were a bullet lodged near my heart.

Also there's the trauma. Someone shot me! With a gun! At the very least, my feelings would be hurt.

But not Reagan. He refused to take himself or his situation seriously—that's what his humor said. "I hope you're all Republicans," he joked with the surgeons.

Ok, so he wasn't hysterically funny. But the surgeons must have been impressed by his presence.

So was the country—Reagan's approval rating soared to 73%.

Tip: To lead, you don't need to be funny. You certainly don't need to tell jokes. But it helps to stay calm under pressure. And to stay clothed.

Otherwise, you risk becoming a joke.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. Hello. My question is on my awkwardness at the first “hello” in business situations. Do I handshake or hug? For example, this morning, I saw a business friend, and he hugged me. I usually wait for the other person to make the first move – either extending a hand or leaning in for a hug.
 I’ve looked through Emily Post’s Etipedia and found mostly that handshakes are recommended, but I live in an area where it seems hugging is allowed. Can you weigh in on the etiquette of such?

A. C., Bakersfield, CA

A. You are correct. In business, handshakes are recommended. Hugs and other overly familiar greetings should be reserved for people you know really well and can be sure won’t feel awkward.

For years I would visit an important client accompanied by the art director of the ad agency I ran. Every time we arrived at the client’s office he would shake my hand and then hug the art director. I know this made her uncomfortable because she would comment about it on the trip back to our office. Her discomfort at this overly friendly greeting is exactly why I recommend people stay with a basic handshake—a firm grip, two or three shakes, smile, look them in the eye, and be sure to say “Hello.” Stay away from the two-handed “How glad I am to meet you” greeting or grabbing the person’s forearm with your left hand while shaking with the right. Hugs, two-handed clasps, or forearm grips express closeness between friends, but can signal dominance when the person being greeted is a stranger or a subordinate. Fist bumps, high fives, and intricate handshakes should be reserved for good friends in non-business settings.

One of the best ways I know to avoid the hug is not to let the person move in close enough to actually hug you. For instance, you know Jim is a hugger, and you really don’t want him to hug you. Prepare yourself as he approaches to be firm in keeping him out of hugging range. As he gets close enough to shake hands, extend your hand out to him so he cannot avoid shaking it. Then instead of letting him push in close for the clutch, hold his hand firmly enough to keep him at arm’s length. He’ll feel the pressure of you pushing back against him. Your message will be loud and clear: shake my hand but don’t get closer. If you’re unsure about this move, practice it ahead of time with a colleague so you feel confident doing it the next time you greet Jim.

Q. I’ve been wondering about this question for a while. One of my colleagues left my firm a few years ago (maybe 3-4?) and asked if she could list me as a personal reference. I told her it was OK and willingly spoke with potential employers about her. Fast-forward to the current time, and she’s still listing me as a personal reference. I haven’t kept contact with this person, and I’m no longer comfortable being a personal reference. I’d appreciate hearing any hints on how I can relay that information to potential employers. I don’t know anything negative about this person, I just haven’t been in contact with her for a few years (and have no way of getting in contact with her now). Thanks.

J. C., Fairfax, VA

A. When all else fails, a little benevolent honesty goes a long way to solving a problem. Rightly so, as you have lost contact with this former colleague, your comfort level for providing a reference has diminished with the passage of time.

You have two options to solve the problem. Wait for the next company to call asking for a reference. Explain the situation to the caller, “Jim, while I’d like to give you some insight into Jane’s capabilities, the fact is I haven’t been in touch with her since she left ABC Corp four years ago. It’s been long enough since then that I’m uncomfortable answering your questions now. Would you please provide me with her current address so I can contact her to discuss this?” Or, you could contact the last company that called you and in a similar manner ask for Jane’s address so you can contact her. It’s important you make the effort to find Jane or you will continue to have to respond to companies seeking a reference from you about her.

As individuals build a network that includes people who are willing to provide references, it’s important to stay in touch with the people in the network. Do so not only when seeking a job, but also while you are on the job so your network participants know what you are doing and can speak about you from a position of current knowledge.

If, over time, you are still providing a person’s name as a reference, do yourself and the person the courtesy of re-asking their permission before simply providing their name as a reference. Otherwise you risk having the person tell the company he or she is no longer willing to give a reference, and that is not what you want your prospective employer to hear about you.

Q. I have an employee who I believe is actively seeking other employment. He has told me he has been offered a second shift job but won't take it because of the "shift". He is a maintenance man making $15/hour, and is very helpful to me and makes my job 100 times easier.

His bullheadedness is jeopardizing his future. I need to know if I can fire him for looking for another job without having to pay unemployment. And am I a fool to keep him employed if he is manipulating us for a bigger raise?

A. Your relationship with this employee is quite complex. You value his abilities, and the support he provides for you. You and the potential new owners believe he adds enough value to offer him a $25K stay bonus. Meanwhile, you are wondering if you are being manipulated for his financial benefit.

Employers who are frustrated with employees often overlook the most important parts of an employee's role at the company - their professional contributions. You describe a valued employee who supports your success, and has the chance to play a valued role in the sale of your company. From what you have described, I see an employee sending signals about his discomfort with what his future may hold, where his professional relationship and reporting structure will be, and a desire to have his value confirmed either with an external offer, or perhaps a raise as you indicate.

You, your partner, and the potential new owners have a clear vision about what you would like to see happen. Employees are most often not privy to the details about what a complex plan looks like, or how they will be impacted in the short or long term. Employers need to recognize that employees want to understand the changes they face, how it will happen, and the expected impact of those changes.

While his stay bonus looks good, your employee is concerned about his reporting structure. He has let you know he enjoys working for you, and can deliver great value. He is less comfortable reporting to others, as evidenced by his relationship with your partner. He may be concerned that he will not be able to successfully report to the new owners for 12 months which may prevent his receipt of the stay bonus.

Many employees whose organizations are going through transition begin to interview externally to see what their options are. When employees feel "disconnected" from their company, or even worse – dispensable - employers have the opportunity to communicate and make change more manageable. There are other options, but holding all accountable for professional behavior, positive interactions, and productivity will most likely provide the best outcome.

Q: I am a new supervisor. I am being besieged by the requests from my employees. Right now the hot button is vacation requests. Everyone wants to take the week after Independence Day off. It is impossible to grant everyone that week off. If I did, I would not have anyone in my department. What is the best way to handle such requests?

A: The onset of summer often brings these conflicts to the forefront. Here are some recommendations:

1. Find out what has been done historically in your department. If the former supervisor is available, ask him or her if any commitments may have already been made. Sometimes employees will request time off well in advance. It is important to understand certain special requests. Sometimes an employee may be getting married or have a cruise booked. Or an employee may have plans to attend a family reunion our of state.

2. Check any policies that your company may have with respect to vacation requests. There may be a company policy in place that provides some guidance on how to handle these requests.

3. Ask your employees to submit their vacation requests (in writing) in order of first choice, second choice, etc. Sometimes it may not be possible to honor all the first choices that are submitted. And you should be clear about that. By asking for these requests in writing as first choice, second choice, etc., you are implicitly saying that employees should submit their requests, but they are just that - requests.

4. Many companies use one of the following criteria to help them respond to these requests in a fair manner:
• First come, first served. By this I mean, those who submit their requests earlier are more likely to get their first choice of vacation week(s).
• Seniority. Often a date of hire is used to determine whose requests will be at the “top of the pile.”
• Names in a hat. I have some clients who put the names of the employees into a hat. The first name picked gets their top vacation week choices off.

Finally, there may be work-related commitments that prevent a certain group of employees (or even just one specific employee) from taking time off at a specific time. For example, if the company has a significant client deadline on July 15th, then the Independence Day week might be off-limits to those working toward this deadline.

Recently, the jury in a big insider trading case delivered a "Guilty on all counts" verdict.

Later, one of the jurors told The Wall Street Journal her impressions of the defense attorney:

His voice was a "monotone." He seemed "tired."

Of course, the evidence didn't help either. But suppose the defense had hired someone more lively.

Why not Lady Gaga? She could have sung the closing arguments in a high-heeled frenzy, and then instructed the jury, "Just dance."

Maybe the defense still would have lost.

But consider:

If you're an executive pitching a business plan to other seasoned executives, what determines the outcome?

And if you're a surgeon, what determines if you get sued?

Often, it's your voice.

M.I.T. professor Alex Pentland demonstrated that you can predict winning business pitches without paying any attention to the content.

Instead, he focused on critical nonverbal behaviors, like vocal variety ("Understanding 'Honest Signals' in Business").

Similarly, you can predict which surgeons will get sued just by listening to their tone of voice for 40 seconds, even if you can't understand a word they're saying.

The worst tone for surgeons? Dominant. That's according to psychologist Nalini Ambady ("Surgeons' tone of voice: A clue to malpractice history").

How's your voice?

The lawyer in the insider trading case assumed his voice was fine. It wasn't

You're probably spending more time on conference calls and in virtual meetings these days.

As soon as you say "Good morning," you've made a lasting impression. Even if you don't sing it.

Tip: Listen to how you sound. The easiest way is voice mail. Record a new outgoing message, then critique it.

If you phone me, you'll hear, "Hi, this is Paul Hellman, the week of May 30 . . ."

I change my message weekly. Sometimes, it requires a few takes, but that's good practice. And it's good to reassure everyone that you were definitely alive on the 29th.

To sound alive is no small thing.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. My male cousin just graduated from college and got his first job. He has been invited to one of his bosses’ weddings and does not know what an acceptable gift (or amount to spend) would be because he is paid off of commission and has not yet received much of that. Any suggestions?

R. G., Gulf Shores, AL

A. Let’s take a quick look at wedding gift etiquette.

Since your cousin received an invitation to his boss’s wedding, he is on the hook for a gift whether he attends or not. As with any gift, he’ll want to apply some general gift-giving guidelines.

He should choose something he thinks the couple will like, but equally as important, a gift should never exceed the capacity of the giver to afford it. In your cousin’s case he has just started a job, and he’s a on a tight budget. He should stick to his budget, even if that means all he can afford is twenty to twenty-five dollars.

Since he doesn’t really know his boss or the bride-to-be, he should check with the maid of honor or on the couple’s website to find out where the couple has registered. The couple’s registry will give him a general idea of their taste and style and have items at a variety of price points. He should be able to find a gift that fits his budget, and because it is on their registry, he can rest assured they will appreciate it.

If he can’t find out about the registry, or if he doesn’t wish to choose a gift from those suggestions, “safe” items could be a silver-plated picture frame, or a nice salt and pepper set for use when entertaining, or a pair of candlesticks. He could do some sleuthing to find out what hobbies, sports or travel interests the couple has and find an affordable coffee table book on the subject.

Your cousin’s situation causes a lot of angst because not only does he want to make sure he gives a gift he thinks is “appropriate,” he also has the added pressure that the gift is to his boss. The one solace: He’s not alone. Many employees and coworkers face the same dilemma. Bosses and coworkers issue these invitations in the mistaken belief that “We have to invite all the office staff.” No, they don’t.

Your cousin is a perfect example. He is relatively new to the company and doesn’t have a social relationship with the boss that would merit an invitation. A wedding is a time for family and friends to celebrate the nuptials. Unless a potential invitee is a friend in addition to being a work colleague, brides and grooms should resist the temptation to invite everyone at the office. They’ll end up not only doing themselves a favor, they’ll help those work colleagues like your cousin avoid the predicament he now finds himself in.

Q. I am 62 and working for the same national company for 34 years as an account manager. Four months ago they transferred me to another department. Now, my new boss told me that I don't have the skills for the new position that they put me in. I am trying to take classes to upgrade my skills, but I don't think they care. They want me to step down. My question is what can I do? Should I contact a lawyer and try to fight them?

A. I anticipate that you are disappointed in the current situation and your new position with the company. I also anticipate that you are feeling pressured to take some kind of action. The circumstances you describe raise serious concerns for your job security, and for what could be a case of age discrimination.

Details are needed to fully understand what is happening at your organization, and what is happening in the conversations you are having with management. Based on the information you provided, I consulted with David Conforto, at Conforto Law Group in Boston., who responded “The following facts lead me to believe that your employer may be treating you unfairly because of your age, which is a violation of both the Massachusetts Fair Employment Practices Act and the Age Discrimination in Employment Act: (1) you are 62 years old and, fall within the protected category of age which applies to employees 40 years old or older; (2) you have been with the company for 34 years and, presumably, have a long history of consistently meeting your employer's expectations; and (3) you were recently transferred to a new position, in what appears to be an effort by your employer to ensure your failure -- especially in light of the fact that you feel it necessary to take classes to upgrade your skills.”

Having legal information about your status may help you determine the outcome you would like to see. When you think about “fighting,” what does that involve? Most employees and employers don’t want to be part of a lawsuit. Litigation is most often a last resort, but consulting an attorney is not.

Attorney Conforto offers this advice: “Devote time now to exploring your potential legal claims, namely age discrimination. If, as you believe, your employer's intent is to have you step down, they may offer you a severance package. In exchange for severance pay, you will likely be asked to sign a full release of legal claims, which will undoubtedly include your potential claim for age discrimination. Knowing the rules of negotiation in this particular context is vital. Your leverage in maximizing severance may hinge upon your potential age discrimination claim”.

An attorney can prepare you to deal with all aspects of this situation when they are consulted early in the process. Don’t wait, as there are critical deadlines to file a claim, no matter how strong your case may be.

Q: My employer routinely recruits from the outside of the company, without giving internal employees the opportunity to apply for available positions. I am tired of it. I would like to know about internal opportunities before others find out about it. What’s your opinion?

A: In most cases, it is a good practice to encourage internal employees the opportunity to explore available positions within a company. After all, most company leaders would prefer to retain talent within the company structure rather than have that talent look outside the company. There are times when it might make sense to recruit for new hires outside the company though. Some reasons may be:

1. The employer wants to bring in a fresh perspective, perhaps even from a competitor.
2. The company feels like no one internally is qualified. This is often easier to assess for a smaller company.
3. The company is looking for a specific expertise (e.g., a certain level of competence in a new software program or a specialized clinical expertise which is not available internally).
4. The position may be an entry-level role.

I can understand your frustration however. Especially after a period of economic distress and limiting hiring activity, many employees are eager to see new opportunities posted internally. Posting a position internally sends several messages to the employees, including:

1. We are hiring. We are alive. We are doing ok.
2. The career growth of our employees is important to us.
3. We want to retain talent.
4. Even if no one is qualified internally, perhaps an employee may know of candidates outside the company that may be suitable.

As a general rule, I fully support the posting of internal positions. However, there may be times when there are business reasons that support considering external talent. Lastly, there also may be instances where an internal candidate is qualified and could be promoted into an available role.

Last week, my wife and I bought a house near Boston. The negotiations lasted a week, then ended badly.

Let's talk mistakes.

1) Not negotiating. Ever wonder whether something's negotiable?

The higher the price, the more wiggle room. Houses and cars are negotiable; your dry cleaning bill isn't (unless the job got botched).

That leaves a lot in-between.

Consider hotel rooms. The rates must be negotiable; no two people ever pay the same thing, and no one ever pays the price that's listed on the door of their room.

Why not ask, "Is there any flexibility?"

That's a good negotiating question for lots of ambiguous situations. Flexibility sounds like a virtue.

Who doesn't want to be flexible?

But with houses, you assume flexibility. No one takes the asking price literally.

The house we bought was priced at X.

I wish I could tell you more about X, but I can't because X is a ridiculous number, unless you live in a place like Boston where everyone is insanely convinced that a price like X is a steal.

Actually, the price was X + $34,900. The $34,900 part seemed negotiable. We bid X minus $35,000.

That allowed the seller to say, "Let's just split the difference."

Unfortunately, the seller must have had a different script; he only lowered his price by $1,000.

Our plan wasn't going well.

2) No reservation price. Your reservation price is your limit. If you're buying a house, it's the most you'll spend; if selling, it's the least you'll accept.

Without a reservation price, you'll be swept away by emotion, and buy something you can't afford.

Then, years later, when you have no money, and there's another housing crisis, and the entire U.S. economy collapses, it will all be your fault.

In addition to knowing your reservation price, it's good to estimate the seller's. That tells you about the zone of agreement, the range where you can strike a deal.

In our case, the zone of agreement was razor thin.

3) No leverage. Who's got power? Because the housing market is so bad, we assumed we did.

On the other hand, the seller had just listed the house that day. And it was a great house. Also, he turned out to be a real estate attorney. He knew some tricks.

Mid-week, the seller increased his leverage by scheduling an "open house." That attracted buyers, and netted him two more offers.

So much for leverage.

4) Deadlines and ultimatums. If you need drama, deadlines are good.

Recently, the U.S. threatened to shut down the government unless there was a budget agreement—by midnight. It worked.

But sometimes deadlines just annoy people.

After the seller got more offers, he notified all the bidders: "Final offers due by noon tomorrow."

We offered our reservation price: X + $5,000. Then we waited.

By 3 pm, we realized the seller might be using our offer to get a better deal from another bidder. So we set a deadline: our offer expired at 6 pm.

At 6 pm, the seller accepted our offer; we signed some papers and felt good to be done.

The next day, the seller backed out, then sold to someone else.

So much for deadlines.

4½) Getting desperate. It's good not to get too attached to things like houses.

There can't be just one house, or one job, or one __(whatever it is that you think will make you happy).

I believe there's always another house. And if you happen to be living in it, and it's for sale, please let me know.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Help. I work in a large open office where there is no privacy. A close worker/neighbor snaps and crackles her gum all day. What is the best way to handle this in order to get it to stop, and without being labeled a troublemaker?

J. B., Chicago, IL

A. Personally, I love to chew gum. But I do it when I’m alone. Frankly, the noise of the smacking and crackling and popping of bubbles is bad enough, but watching a person chew gum is like watching a cow chew its cud—yuck!

Perspective is the real issue here. How others see you certainly matters, but in your private life you get to choose your friends and the people you want to associate with. So, if you do something that they don’t cotton to, you choose whether you will continue to do it and, in the process, continue to annoy them. But in your business life, it’s different. The perspective of the other person really does matter. Now or in the future that person may be in the position of deciding if you get a job or a promotion, or win a contract, or earn a spot on a team.

You already understand this is an issue because you are worried about being labeled a troublemaker, but, at the same time, you want to curtail the annoying gum chewing. First, decide if this is an issue you really want to make something of or if it is a petty annoyance you can live with. You work eight hours a day, five days a week, fifty weeks a year with people sitting next to you who may do things you really don’t like. Before you talk to your neighbor, consider the situation from her point of view. She probably isn’t doing the chewing to annoy you, so jumping on her for being an annoying person won’t help. You have just so much “relationship capital” you can expend before you’re labeled a complainer. Consider carefully: What do you want for an outcome and what can you say to achieve that end? If you decide to talk with, not confront, Ms. Gum Chewer, talk to her at a time and in a place where others can’t overhear the conversation. Say: “Jan, I wanted to talk to you and I hope if our roles were reversed that you would be willing to talk to me. I hope we can figure out a solution that works for both of us. It’s about gum chewing…” At the end of the conversation, be sure to thank her for listening and helping to figure out a workable solution. Good luck.

Q: I was just hired into a role managing a small group of technical employees. From what I can gather, their former manager’s style took a toll on the morale of the entire department. These employees behave in a very timid and introverted manner. They seem afraid of their own shadows. There is very little interaction. Employees come in and put their heads down and do their work. No one goes to lunch together. It is concerning to me. How do I improve the work environment? The other departments seem ok to me. I really think it is just my department.

A: As the new manager, you have a tremendous opportunity to rebuild and repair the culture. First, ask questions and observe your department in a non-threatening way. Meet with your employees one-on-one. Ask them what they like and dislike about their jobs. Listen, really listen when you meet with employees. No cell phones, no checking emails, no distractions and good eye contact. Having a voice and a safe place to share likes and dislikes is incredibly important. You are also sending a message to your employees. Your message is “I am listening. I care. I hear you. You are important to me.” What a wonderful message to send as a new manager!

Second, as you develop a rapport with your employees, ask them what one thing they would change about their work life. Sometimes you will be able to make a small change that will be simple and improve an employee’s work life considerably.

Third, ask your employees for ideas on how to improve the workplace. For technical employees, sometimes professional development is of interest. Or, do employees want a chance to connect on a regular basis with their peers over pizza and sodas? I could give you 1001 ideas on how to improve your workplace. But who knows better than me? Your employees.

Don’t get discouraged if one or two of your ideas are met with little fan fare and few accolades. Sometimes it takes time for employees to understand that your motives are pure. Employees who are detached may take time to re-engage. It takes time. You will have to earn their trust.

Lastly, keep an open door. Ask questions. Be approachable. Walk the talk. Employees will appreciate your effort. Cultural change requires effort and it takes time.

I am a thirty something woman who moved to a small, blue-collar, rural “city” because I accepted a position as a professor at the local university. I keep a low profile and most don’t know about my numerous and frequent accomplishments.

I’ve managed to get most of the inappropriate comments from co-workers to stop. I don’t tolerate any inappropriate comments or actions from the students. But, I’m still struggling with how to handle comments from my extended family and their friends/relatives. Saying “that comment is not appropriate,” only brings on more comments. How can I stand up for myself without being rude? I don’t want to embarrass my extended family. Any ideas?

Anonymous

You moved to a new community that holds significantly different values from your own. Instead of finding the welcome wagon, you were met with the cold shoulder. The two support groups that most newcomers count on – work colleagues and extended family – not only failed to accept you, but their inappropriate comments sound like some type of sophomoric hazing ritual. Eight months is a long time to be an outsider.

It sounds as if you’ve made progress at work. Standing up for yourself— setting boundaries and not tolerating inappropriate comments from students and fellow professors—has proved successful. And you have a university ethos to back you up, as it is expected that students and professors treat each other civilly.

The strategy that was successful at work hasn’t helped ease tensions or build connections with community members or extended family. It’s not rude to stand up for yourself but sometimes, as you’ve seen, it can backfire. A constant stream of negative interactions with others is stressful and unhealthy so limit your exposure to these folks—whether you’re related to them or not—until you’re feeling more settled and welcome.

Consider that some people may be nervous to speak with you. They may have concerns about being misjudged by you, and that may be the root of their inappropriate comments. As you interact, look for common interests and safe conversational topics. While changing people’s attitude toward you can be very difficult, it can happen as people get comfortable with who you are. Work at building your own circle of friends, colleagues, and family. Small though it may be at first, it can be a support network for you. Good luck!

Q. Can an employer require you to stay employed at their firm if they have paid for your education?

A. Employers and employees enter into many kinds of agreements, for example, being employed for certain salary and benefits. There are other types of arrangements which are governed by state or federal law which are not subject to agreements which supersede these laws.

Attorney Gary M. Feldman, an expert in employment law at Davis Malm in Boston, explains, "The short answer to the question is "yes", but only where there is an express agreement between the employer and employee whereby the employee agrees to remain employed for a certain period of time in return for the tuition benefit.

Massachusetts is an "at-will" state, meaning that in the absence of an express contract (written or oral), an employee is free to leave employment at any time. Similarly, as employees are aware, an employer is free to end the employment relationship at any time (as long as the decision is not the result of a discriminatory intent).

If an employer who is providing a tuition benefit to an employee wishes to retain that employee for a period of time in return for the payment of tuition expenses, the employer should require the employee to sign a contract by which the employee agrees to remain with the employer for a specified number of years. Alternatively, an employer may require an employee to sign an agreement to repay some or all of the tuition if the employee voluntarily departs before the end of the retention period. Such a form of retention agreement would be lawful and enforceable. This is similar to a relocation allowance, where an employer agrees to advance the employee a stated amount of dollars to relocate, but includes a provision in the offer letter requiring repayment of the relocation advance if the employee departs within a specified number of months. In the absence of such an agreement, the employment will default to an "at-will" employment and the employee is free to leave the employment without consequence after having received the tuition benefit."

Q: I work in a busy office for an investment firm. We work long days. I truly enjoy what I do but sometimes I get overwhelmed. I am an administrative assistant for six great investment professionals. However, it is considered "weak" to take even a walk or a break during the day. Most of the professionals that I support arrive at work around 7am and work beyond 6pm or 7pm. I have a strong work ethic but I would like to take lunch or run an errand at lunch time. This is frowned up and discouraged. I don’t get it. It is strange. Some employees won’t admit if they even down to our cafeteria for coffee. And others have asked me to "cover for them" if they have a doctor’s appointment. Am I legally entitled to a break?

A: It sounds like you work in a challenging and demanding environment. Every organization has different cultural norms and practices. It sounds like your work environment is one where "face time" is important. Loosely defined, "face time" is when face-to-face interaction occurs. "Face time" not always an indicator of productivity or performance. In your situation, it sounds like you must show your face (and for many hours in the workday) in order for you to "count." I have worked in similar environments so I understand this dynamic. Sometimes in these environments, "face time" is viewed as all-important. Those who try to maintain some type of work balance are perceived as weak.

In my experience, these environments often lead to burnout and stress. Employees can often work in this type of environment for a period of time. Yet over the long-term, this type of work environment can be unhealthy.

Assuming you work in Massachusetts, you are entitled to a 30-minute meal break if you work more than six hours in a single shift. During your meal break, you should also be relieved of all work-related responsibilities and have the freedom to leave the premises. There are some industries like paper mills and letter press establishments that are exempt from this law but most industries are required to comply. Companies working in the financial services or investment services sector are required to comply with this law. If you choose to work through the meal break, you should be compensated for that time.

A 30-minute meal break sounds like a healthy and balanced way to re-charge the batteries. Even if others work through lunch, you should take the meal break to which you are entitled if choose to do so.

However, try to take your meal break when it is least disruptive to your colleagues. Nothing is more irritating than when you are working on a pressing deadline, you have finished your work and you approach your administrative assistant's desk only to find this person is off taking a lunch break. Sometimes it is helpful to understand the demands of the day before taking a lunch break. Is there a noon time deadline for a client? Is an important client coming in for lunch which may require you to take your lunch early or late? All of these questions can help prevent any "where were you when I needed you?" types of inquiries.

There's mystery in what people don't say—let's use that to our advantage.

When you ask someone, "How are you?" you get the mysterious, "Fine."

No one says, "Well, my spouse ran off with the plumber, and ever since she left, I've been despondent. Also, the upstairs sink hasn't been draining properly."

But in other conversations, the border between what to disclose vs. not gets murky.

I recently patrolled that border with a group of research scientists, while working on their upcoming presentations. Every presentation lives, or dies, at that border.

We all know what it's like to be in the audience. I often advise clients to imagine an unpleasant dental procedure.

Suppose your presentation is 10 minutes. That's a 10 minute procedure. And if you're one of eight people presenting that day, we'd need to multiply those 10 minutes by eight dentists.

That's a long time.

The Gettysburg Address, as you've probably heard at least 272 times, was only 272 words—2 minutes. You wouldn't need a dentist for that, just a hygienist, cleaning and flossing at breakneck speed.

So, what's the right amount of detail?

Well, depends on your audience: How much do they need, or want, to know?

But also ask this: Wouldn't you rather your audience left thinking, "That meeting was way too short—I wish there'd been another 37 PP slides!" than the opposite?

Then consider, there are different ways to "tell."

You already know the value of a preview (tell them what you're going to tell them), and a review (tell them what you've told them), although it's shocking how seldom we use these tools.

Here's something different: Tell them what you're NOT going to tell them.

For an example, watch "Jerry Maguire," one of my favorite movies.

Jerry, a struggling sports agent played by Tom Cruise, angrily tells his only client how he feels about representing him: "It's an up at dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I WILL NEVER FULLY TELL YOU ABOUT."

But of course, he just did. He gave the headline, not the detail.

A research scientist could say, "I'm not going to tell you about each of the 278 validation studies we ran. Let's just say, it was complicated." Message: We didn't just pull this data out of a hat.

Tip: When it comes to either information or dentistry, less is more.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. In an interview, before a panel of interviewers, when the interviewee enters the room, must the panel members stand? Does it depend on whether the interviewer is male or female? Older or younger? Lower or higher in rank? Thanks for any help you can provide.

G. M., Atlanta, GA

A. Your question implies that a panel of interviewers did not stand up. I have to wonder why they would choose not to stand to greet the interviewee. Standing up is such a simple act of respect, and standing when the interviewee enters the room is a welcoming gesture that sets a positive tone to the start of the interview. By showing that measure of respect, the interviewers define the positive respectful place the business is. Does age, gender, or a difference in rank matter? In terms of the basic gestures of respect we expect of each other, no they do not. Male or female, older or superior, they should stand to greet the interviewee.

One of the things I tell interviewees is that the interview process is a two-way street. As much as a company is taking the measure of you, you should be using the interview as an opportunity to take stock of the company and to answer one question: Is this a company I want to work for? How they treat you is an important clue as to how you can expect to be treated as an employee. Do they show the respect you know you should accord them? In this case, since you would stand to greet them, do they stand or do they remain seated? Do they ask inappropriate questions? Are they engaged and listening or do they seem bored and distracted? How they treat you is a mirror reflecting the culture of the company they represent, and you will find you are either attracted to it or repelled by it.

So much has been written about how interviewees are meant to behave during an interview. But there’s very little advice directed at the interviewers. Interviewers should stand, look the interviewee in the eye, shake hands firmly, introduce themselves, and offer guidance as to where to sit. They should do their homework and be prepared with questions they want to ask. They should listen attentively as the candidate presents him or herself and answers their questions. At the end of the interview, they should let the candidate know what the next steps are and when a decision can be expected. And finally, they should be sure to thank the candidate and then follow up by sending a thank you note.

Q. I’m curious what you think about following up after applying for a job.

Help! I’m thinking too much!

I. B., Dallas, TX

A. You can’t put two different hats on the same head at the same time. Either you’re a freelancer doing work for the company or you’re a job applicant. You don’t want to confuse your roles, so keep them separate.

You are correct. When wearing your freelance hat, it would be inappropriate to raise the issue of your job application with the managing editor who is your principle contact. While she may have the “inside scoop,” it’s not her place to share it with you and it’s wrong of you to try to trade on your relationship to get the low-down through a back channel. And, you could be putting her into an awkward position by asking her.

As the job applicant, your role does allow you, after a reasonable amount of time, to ask what the status of your application is. The question becomes: What is a reasonable amount of time? My suspicion is that at the end of the interview you did not ask when you could expect to hear from them. (That, by the way, is a question I recommend be asked near the end of every job interview as it helps avoid the situation you find yourself in.)

If you were given a time frame, don’t call before that time has passed. If not, then three weeks seems like more than enough time to wait before calling the editor-in-chief and asking the status of your application.

Some questions put everyone to sleep; others make people sweat. Both are dangerous.

1) Sleepy Questions

TV host, David Letterman was interviewing Larry David, the star of "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

Letterman: "What was the name of the Woody Allen film you were in?"

Questions like this steal time—and deliver no value. Also, they lack zest.

On the other hand, it's a perfect question if you're trying desperately to make chit-chat with someone who's not responsive, because maybe, for example, he or she is in a coma.

Larry David refused to answer: "That's really none of your business, Dave."

If you watch the interview, it's a nice comic moment.

Larry David acts offended by a question that's too bland to offend (except for Letterman's apparent lack of prep).

Sleepy Questions seem safe—that's what makes them so risky. They sap the energy right out of a room.

As Larry David tells Letterman: "Dave, I don't really think you're bringing out my best self."

2) Sweaty Questions

Consider Warren Buffet's recent problems.

One of his top execs urged Buffet to acquire a company. The exec also mentioned that he held stock.

Buffet didn't ask:

a) How much stock do you own? (Answer: $10 million.)

b) When did you buy it? (Answer: a few weeks ago.)

Result? The press attacked; the SEC considered investigating; the exec resigned.

Sweaty questions are tough to ask.

But sometimes, the biggest risk is not asking. For example:

"Where, exactly, will I be working?"

Roy Cohen, career coach & author, "The Wall Street Professional's Survival Guide" had a client who never asked that during her interview, even though she knew there were space constraints.

She ended up working at a conference table with several other managers, all of them angry about sharing a tiny space and a single phone.

She left the company a few months later.

Then there's the money questions.

Business coach, Laura Rose used to be a Software Manager. She suspected pay inequity, even though her boss had just given her a top performance rating, and a top raise.

"How do you like your raise?" the boss asked. She expressed appreciation.

But then she asked, "Could you check whether my base salary is in line with other managers at my level?"

Laura's manager did check, found a gap, and committed to closing it. Laura stayed 10 years.

Tip: Watch your questions. Playing it safe may be dangerous.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. My office has a lot of important company file cabinets in it due to lack of space in our building. Oftentimes coworkers will just barge into my office if the door is open to flip through the cabinets for documents they may need. (Sometimes I am even on the phone.) What is the proper way to let others know that I would appreciate a knock or some kind of common courtesy before they enter?

Thanks!

K. R., Coeur d'Alene, ID

A. Perspective is at the core of many office issues, and that may be the case here.

You see the people coming into your office as "barging in". I have images in my head of your door slamming against the wall, and file drawers being yanked open and shoved closed all day long with no regard for the effect the noise is having on you.

Conversely, I suspect their image is of them entering without making any undue noise. It’s hard for me to believe they simply bang around and make noise without regard for you. More likely they don’t announce their arrival or knock because they don’t want to interrupt you. I have never thought people do rude things intentionally, but that doesn’t prevent them from doing things rudely.

Your situation is compounded by the fact that the space you occupy is not only an office for you, but also a common area that others need to enter.

Unfortunately, because you see their actions in a different light than they do, nothing is going to change unless you bring up the issue with them. Remember: Just because you address it with them doesn’t mean they will automatically change the way they enter your office.

I would not try to bring it up when the interruption is occurring. More likely than not, the person will become defensive and the discussion can veer to how you are much too sensitive or an “I have every right to be here” attitude. Asking to take a moment to address the problem at a staff meeting or requesting to meet with the most common offenders would be a better way to go.

"I have an issue I would like to bring up. I know my office houses the files you need to access, but it is also my office. I appreciate that you’re trying not to disturb me. However, it’s a problem for me when you just pop in to get the file, especially if I’m trying to concentrate or, even worse, if I’m on the phone. If you all could just give a gentle knock when you need to come in - even if my door is open - I’d really appreciate it."

Q. I work in a very small business. To put it into perspective, the owner works Saturdays. I and another woman work Sunday through Friday; that's it. My boss gave me a present for my birthday and for Valentine's Day. Of course I am writing her a thank you note, but regarding it, I had a question. I was wondering if it would be inappropriate to thank my boss also for providing a great working environment? Part of me says yes, part of me says no. I'd like your input, please.

S. Z., Warrensburg, MO

A. If you are making the gesture of thanks because you really believe what you are saying, then the thank-you note is certainly an appropriate moment to express your appreciation to your boss. I think your question leaves no doubt that you believe what you want to express.

The key here is your motivation: you are genuinely thanking your boss and not just trying to suck up to her by using the opportunity to stroke her when you don’t mean it. If you believe it, then the sincerity in the tone of your writing will make your expression of gratitude genuine and appreciated.

Sincerity doesn’t spring from one act, whether in words or deeds. On a daily basis - by the way you do your job, interact with your boss, work with your fellow employee, and treat your customers, prospects or suppliers - you have long since established the sincerity that will make your effort to thank your boss be something you really mean, and she will readily believe.

The essence of sincerity is being genuine. When you are sincere, you are believable and believability is the foundation to building trust in any relationship. Trust is critical to business. People tend to do business with people they trust. While you have that trust, the business relationship is solid, but lose the trust, and the relationship is in jeopardy. That’s why sincerity is so important.

Emily Post once said, “Whenever two people come together and interact, you have etiquette. Etiquette is not some rigid code of manners. It’s simply how people’s lives touch one another.” Emily understood that at its core etiquette is about relationships. When choices we make in our interactions are made sincerely, then the relationship flourishes. However, when actions are couched in duplicity or spring from less than honorable motives, then the relationship may be injured.

Your choice to use your letter to thank her, rooted in a sincere appreciation of the great work environment she fosters, is totally appropriate.

How do you invite others to join you? You could be selling a new idea—or marketing yourself.

Let's look at four mistakes, using invites to LinkedIn as an example.

1) Never inviting anyone.

Hmm, this one's tempting. No one likes rejection; it forces you to relive high school.

I remember having a high school crush on Linda N. One night, I finally called for a date.

"Who exactly are you?" Linda N. asked.

"I sit on the opposite side of the room in English," I said. That didn't really explain who I was. It didn't even explain, really, where I was.

More about Linda N. in a moment.

Meanwhile, some good news: high school's over.

Last week, I invited 20 people to LinkedIn. Most accepted, a few ignored me. Nothing terrible happened.

2) Bad timing.

When I called Linda N. for a date, my timing was flawed, but only in the sense that it was already Saturday night.

"Yes," Linda N. said, "I'd love to go out—and I think my date's at the door right now."

Timing matters. Are your LinkedIn invitations too late, or too early?

"Don't invite within two hours of meeting," says Rod Hughes, Director of Communications, Oxford Communications.

"I typically wait till the next day," advises Rod. "Anything sooner seems stalker-esque."

3) Inviting everyone.

Suppose you wake up one morning determined to network with Queen Elizabeth.

"How do you know Elizabeth?" LinkedIn will ask, as if already suspicious.

"Colleague," you say. But when the Queen gets your invitation (which of course she won't), you're in trouble.

If she tells LinkedIn she never heard of you, LinkedIn won't like that. You'll be penalized.

"You need a policy," says Thom Singer, author of several networking books.

"My policy," says Thom, "is The Coffee, Meal or Beer Rule, which means not accepting links unless I've had a real conversation."

4) Bad invitation.

At LinkedIn, the default invite is, "I'd like to add you to my professional network."

But that's robotic.

Eric Fischgrund, Social Media Manager at Beckerman, makes his invites personal. Here are two he successfully sent to CEOs:

"Met your staff at the trade show—looking forward to learning more;" also, "Very interested in SEO companies in the NJ area, and look forward to connecting online."

"My cardinal rule," says Eric: "never use the default."

Tip: For better results, deliver a better invitation.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. My job often entails inviting clients to lunch or drinks. While I pay for these get-togethers out of my own pocket, I do get reimbursed for such outings by my company.

My question is: Does proper business etiquette dictate that I cater to all the client's friends/employees/guests? Or is this out of line on their part, and, if so, what is the proper response to this?

K. R., Coeur d'Alene, ID

A. Once in a blue moon, I’d overlook their faux pas of bringing uninvited business guests to a business social get-together. I would have less tolerance with the person who brings his uninvited, non-business friends or who is a repeat offender. He assumes incorrectly that you have “no problems” paying for his guests. You have a big problem because this is an ethical situation that could land you in a lot of hot water. First, speak to your boss, and apprise him of the situations. He can help direct you as to whether, in the company’s view, you should say something or continue to pay for your client’s uninvited guests.

If you are going to say something to the client, when you bring it up and how you go about saying it matters. And realize that no matter how perfectly you do it, the client may not respond positively.

The least propitious time is at the event itself. Even an attempt to subtly manage the situation, say reserving a table just for the two of you, may not work. A larger table will be offered or additional chairs brought over and your underlying problem won’t be resolved.

Saying something like “So nice to see you Jim. Unfortunately, I can’t host your friends” creates a very difficult situation on the spot. As with many awkward social situations, this one is better handled privately and after the fact. Call or meet with Jim later and explain: “Jim, thanks for talking with me. I’m in a bit of a bind. Although I accommodated your friends last night because I didn’t want the situation to become awkward, this has happened a couple of times, and I would appreciate it if you didn’t bring other people along without first clearing it with me earlier in the day.”

It’s a tough conversation to have, but having your boss back you up is critical to making it work for you. Good luck.

Q: I am an engineer for a mid-sized medical device company. Our manager was just mysteriously let go. I was told now I am the “acting manager.” I am not even sure what this means. Any suggestions?

A: Companies often try to elevate the most seasoned or talented employee when a new management role becomes available unexpectedly. You may never fully know all the details of your former manager’s separation. However, you have been placed in what could be a promising opportunity.

Roberta Chinsky Matuson, author of Suddenly in Charge: Managing Up, Managing Down, Succeeding All Around, shares her expertise:

That means you are in charge until a replacement can be found. If you want the job, then I strongly suggest you do what I did over twenty-five years ago. Go in and tell your boss that you want the job. Ask him or her specifically what you need to do to secure this opportunity. Remind your manager of your qualifications as he or she may not realize that you have an advanced degree, special skills or other attributes that may be useful in this new position. If your boss provides a vague reply, ask for specifics in an appropriate and professional way.

If you are new to management, then I strongly suggest that you prepare for success. You do this by educating yourself on how to become the type of leader that has people following them when they turn around. I would also suggest finding a mentor who can provide you with guidance as you navigate this new territory. Lastly, ask when a final decision will be made regarding this position so that you aren't "acting manager" forever.

Finally, I would also recommend asking how your responsibilities will change in this new role. What are the expectations? You want to ensure that you fully understand any new tasks or challenges. This is an opportunity for you… if you want it. You have to demonstrate that you want it.

Q. We discussed one of my favorite questions during a seminar today: “I had back-to-back meetings scheduled today. With ten minutes left in the first one, it was still going strong. I didn’t know what to do, so I sat there and ended up being 15 minutes late to the second meeting. That didn’t go over well. What should I have done?”

A: Ouch! You were stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place. Stay at your first meeting and you risk being late for or missing the second one. Leave the first meeting before it is over and you risk dissing the people there. Doing nothing and just sitting there like a lump on a log didn’t resolve the situation as you clearly left the people in the second meeting hanging and felt your own anxiety level rise with every second that ticked by. What can you do or say to resolve the situation without angering either group?

You had two choices. At that ten-minute mark you could have decided to be at your second meeting on time and announced, “I notice it’s ten of the hour, and I’m due at another meeting at 11:00 so could we schedule a follow-up to continue the discussion?” Or you could have decided to stay at the first meeting but explain to the participants, “This discussion is really important, and it looks like it will go past the hour. I need to let the people at my 11:00 meeting know that I’m going to be delayed. I’ll be right back.”

Which of these two options you use depends on the answer to a simple question: Which meeting is more important? For instance, you might be meeting with your CEO in the first meeting. In that case it’s not likely you’ll announce at 10:50 that you’ll have to end your meeting with her to meet with your team. Conversely, if your second meeting is with your CEO, you need to wrap up the first meeting so you can be sure you’ll meet with the CEO on time.

The best way to deal with back-to-back meetings is to prevent them from happening in the first place. Keep a 15-minute buffer zone between meetings . And remember to allow for travel time to get from one meeting to the next. At the very least, before the start of your first meeting talk to the person running it, and let him know you have a tight schedule and will need to leave when the meeting is scheduled to end. That keeps you on schedule, with no announcement necessary.

Q: I own a small business. We sell our consulting services to the financial services industry. This past winter we had some productivity challenges because of weather, especially snow. We probably lost five days of revenue because of snow and we felt that we needed to allow employees to leave early. I think we have developed a reasonable inclement weather policy now. However, my real question is this - how do I handle it when some of my consultants feel like they can bring their kids into work on snow days? Or on school holidays? It is becoming the norm to have kids run up and down the halls on these days. I am not sure how to approach this. I do want to run a family-friendly work environment but I can’t have kids and babies here in the office on a regular basis. How can I best handle this?

A: I applaud you for asking such a good question. This winter created havoc for a lot of my clients. Many employers struggle with balancing client demands with the challenges of being a flexible workplace.

I consulted Kathleen Greer, founder and president of KGA, a Human Resources firm that specializes in providing Employee Assistance Programs (EAP). Greer advised: "It is important to remember that flexible work arrangements always have to work for both employees and the company. Snow days can create big challenges for working parents, especially when there are no back-up plans in place. Each employee should have a plan in place. For some, a back-up care provider for sick and snow days may be researched through the company's EAP."

Many of my clients have instituted polices on adverse weather conditions. Some have developed broader policies on emergency closings (which include guidelines for employees regarding weather-related closings). This policy often includes how to find out if the company is closed for business or is expecting to close early because of an ominous forecast. In some cases, an important company-sponsored event may be canceled or postponed. With advances in technology, many of my clients also permit employees to work from home during a snowstorm when hazardous traveling conditions may exist.

Greer also offered the following advice: "For employees who are allowed to bring their children to work, there is a big difference between a child that will read quietly in a conference room, vs. a younger child who may be a bit disruptive. It is the parent's responsibility to be realistic of what will be expected of the child. For employees who must be in the office to do their jobs, a clear policy on bringing children to work is helpful."

It may be worthwhile to solicit input from your management team. How did it work this winter with children in the office? And perhaps more importantly, how did it not work with children in the office? Perhaps you could consider setting some limits on bringing children into the office if you institute such a policy? One policy might look like this:

On occasion, adverse weather conditions or other emergency conditions may cause employees to be concerned about safety in traveling to or from work, depending on the distance of travel, the hazards of travel, the availability of public transportation or a number of other factors. In such cases, employees will need to make judgments about whether to stay home or to leave work early after consultation with their supervisor. If necessary, the Company may close due to inclement weather. Employees should contact the office if there is a question. Please call 617-123-4567 for information related to office closures. There will be a recorded message providing employees with necessary information.

There may be an emergency situation, which necessitates closing our office for a portion of the workday. Inclement weather, power outages or the like may require us to close our office early or delay the start of the workday. If we are required to close, the Company will inform employees through our employee intranet and by leaving updated information on the telephone line provided above.

When a decision is made to close the office, all employees will be paid at their regular rate of pay for any scheduled work time that is missed.

With a supervisor's permission and depending upon the employee's role, some employees may be permitted to work at home for a portion of the workday because of inclement weather. We urge working parents/guardians to research back-up childcare options before such arrangements are needed. In emergency situations, we will allow parents/guardians to bring children into the office for one workday per calendar year if the child is 10 years old or older. Back-up childcare options can be researched through KGA, our EAP provider.

"How long," I asked my wife, "do you think it would take me to memorize a random deck of cards?"

"Well," she said, "it takes you several hours to find your car keys in the morning, so I'd guess, roughly, 10 or 11 years."

The new U.S. record: 1 minute, 40 seconds (world record: 21.9 seconds). That's for a deck of cards. Finding your car keys has got to take longer.

Joshua Foer, a journalist, won the competition and wrote a book about it, Moonwalking with Einstein: The Art and Science of Remembering Everything.

How do people remember things? It's a critical question, especially if you've got important info that you need others to retain.

Foer used memory techniques from ancient Greece.

One involved imagery. He created a different image for each card, often using celebrities. Then, during the competition, he scanned three cards at a time:

"I saw Jerry Seinfeld sprawled out bleeding on the hood of a Lamborghini (five of hearts, ace of diamonds, jack of hearts)."

At work, do you fire up your message with images?

One CEO opened a presentation with a picture of his refrigerator.

"How would you feel," the CEO asked his audience, "if you stocked your kitchen at home with pricey meats and cheeses—and then threw it all away? We waste too much money at this company. Let's be frugal."

Another memory trick: sequence. As Foer flipped the cards, he fit each image, sequentially, into his remembered childhood home, room by room.

The Incredible Hulk was near the front door; Seinfeld, bleeding on the Lamborghini, in the hallway.

Do you sequence your info into a story? A story doesn't need to be "once upon a time," but it does need a coherent, room-by-room flow.

Suppose, for example, you wanted people to remember the warning signs of a stroke.

There are five symptoms, according to the Berkeley Wellness Letter (8/08): difficulty speaking; numbness of face, arm or leg; trouble seeing; trouble walking; sudden, bad headache.

Ok. Close your eyes and try to remember those symptoms. It's tough.

But suppose you sequenced the list differently?

This time, let's go from head-to-toe: 1) bad headache, 2) trouble seeing 3) trouble speaking, 4) numbness of face, arm or leg, 5) trouble walking.

Suddenly, it's more memorable.

Now if only I could find my car keys.

Tip: It's not what you say, it's what they remember. Be memorable.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. I am one of only 2 women in a large team of men. Today I overheard 2 of the guys discussing an interview with a candidate for an open position on the team. One of the gentlemen commented that the woman was pregnant, and he had concerns about how much time she would be out of the office because of this. The other man agreed that this was a concern and said it was too bad because she was otherwise a good candidate. The conversation did not include me, but I feel like the decision to hire or not hire this woman based on her parental status is unethical and discriminatory. Is there a way to bring this up to them? Or should I stay out of it since I am not in charge of this hiring decision, and the conversation was not intended to include me, it just took place near me?

Anonymous

A. Sometimes what appears to be etiquette crosses a line into legal and ethical issues. That certainly is the case here. Making hiring, or non-hiring, decisions solely on the basis of pregnancy is illegal.

The ethical question you face is what should you do now? You can choose to talk with the two men, talk to your manager, or stay quiet. Staying quiet is the easiest solution but it isn’t the ethical solution. I usually counsel that the first course of action should be to talk directly to the people involved as opposed to going to a manager.

Ask the men how the interview process is going. Mention that you overheard their conversation about one strong female candidate. Then mention that you may have heard wrong, but did they say that the her pregnancy made her a less attractive candidate? Give them an opportunity to respond, because it is possible that you interpreted the conversation incorrectly.

If they are foolish enough to confirm your suspicion that they would make a hiring decision based on the whether a candidate was pregnant, it’s time to talk to someone higher up the food chain.

The etiquette issue at hand is how you approach the men. Don’t threaten or assume wrongdoing. Tell them what you overheard and explain that you are simply bringing your concerns to their attention and then asking them for their perspective on what you heard. After you’ve heard what they have to say, then request that they confirm with you that they will not consider the woman’s pregnancy in deciding whether or not to hire her. If you’re satisfied, you can leave the matter there. If not, then it is time to discuss it with your manager.

Q. I have a good friend who works as a construction supervisor. As part of his job he is required to drive from job site to job site during the day. His employer used to offer gas cards to all supervisors but recently revoked them as part of a cost cutting effort. Since he is no longer reimbursed for gas, is he entitled to reimbursement for mileage at the standard IRS rate? His employer says "No"; I'm wondering if there are any legal obligations?

Again, this is not mileage from his home to job sites (which I assume is just considered normal commuting) - it's mileage between job sites during the work day. Any insights on this would be much appreciated! Thank you.

A. Even with Skype, webinar tools, phone, and emails, there are still a number of jobs which require travel to multiple locations during the work day. As the price of gas continues to climb, we can expect more questions about what is considered business mileage, whether or not it will be reimbursed by employers, and at what rate.

Employers and employees are best served when details regarding important employment practices are in writing. Everyone needs to have visibility into what the employers practice is regarding business mileage, and how employees are treated when being asked to travel during the business day. For organizations where business mileage is a regular occurrence, or even a response to a business crisis, employees need to be knowledgeable about the appropriate compensation due.

Philip Gordon, President of The Massachusetts Employment Lawyers Association, an experienced employment attorney, and the Managing Partner of the Gordon Law Group, LLP, and Nancy Richards-Stower who won a verdict of approximately $500,000 in a wrongful termination suit for a returning Iraq veteran offered their expertise on this question.

“An employee required or directed to travel from one place to another after the beginning of or before the close of the work day shall be compensated for all travel time and shall be reimbursed for all transportation expenses. An employer's failure to compensate for all travel time and travel expenses amounts to a failure to pay wages. An employee who proves that his/her employer failed to pay wages, which in this scenario would be the unreimbursed travel expenses, is entitled to recover a mandatory award of treble damages (i.e., three times the amount of unreimbursed travel expenses in dispute), the costs of the litigation, and reasonable attorneys’ fees.”

In any employee/employer dispute, a thoughtful discussion is always the best place to start. If your friend is not being reimbursed for his travel expenses, he should bring this information to his employers’ attention. Perhaps his employer is not aware of the responsibility, and this new awareness will encourage a change in practice. If an employee believes he/she is owed travel expenses, prior to filing in court, a complaint must be filed with the Fair Labor Division of the Massachusetts Attorney General's Office. The Attorney General's Office will authorize you to file your claim with a court after 90 days has elapsed. A court claim must be filed within three years of the first instance of non-payment.

Q: I am working as a contractor for a small start-up. I hope to be hired soon by them. I have a dilemma though. They are interviewing a former neighbor of mine. I know this person is a convicted felon and he has spent some time in jail a few years ago for fraud. I don’t know if this company does background checks or not since I have not officially been hired by them. This company’s hiring process is very casual and informal. Do I have an obligation to inform this company? I don’t want to start trouble but I also feel very awkward in not disclosing what I know to someone. Any recommendations?

A: You are in a quandary. Let’s explore your legal obligations (if any) first.

To better address your legal obligations, I consulted Attorney Jeffrey A. Dretler, Partner of the Employment Law Group of Prince Lobel Glovsky & Tye LLP. Dretler offers, “In the circumstances described, assuming you did not enter into any contractual obligation to make such disclosures, there is no legal obligation requiring you to disclose what you know about your former neighbor to anyone at the company. At the same time, assuming you did not become aware of the information in a privileged or confidential setting (e.g. doctor-patient or attorney-client relationship), there is no legal obligation prohibiting you from disclosing what you know to the company. That being said, acting or failing to act each may have consequences that you need to carefully consider.”

Let’s assume you do disclose this information to the company. Then, as a result of your disclosure, your neighbor does not receive a job offer. Your neighbor could discover that it was you who provided information to the company. Dretler explains that in this situation, your neighbor “could try to bring a civil cause of action against you for interference with prospective advantageous relations or even defamation. If the information you provided to the company was true, and was motivated by your belief that the company’s interests were best served by knowing the information, and not based on malice, your neighbor will not succeed on his or her claims against you.” The employer will likely appreciate this information in advance of extending a job offer to this candidate.

Alternatively, let’s assume you do not make the disclosure and the company hires your former neighbor. If a problem surfaces with this new employee, and the company finds out that you knew about this person’s history and did not disclose it, it may reflect poorly on your judgment and commitment to the company.

In short, you will need to weigh both the benefits and the risks of the situation. You will also need to assess your own moral and ethical compass. If this situation were with a client of mine, I would hope that you would disclose this information to a company representative such as the human resources officer, hiring manager or CEO/president. Be clear that you are making the disclosure with the best interests of the company in mind, and not because of any personal malice against your former neighbor. Ask them to verify what you know to eliminate any possible misinformation or error in your recollection. When providing information to the company, distinguish between the information you know to be true and that which you may be less sure about, and do not spread any of this information to people who do not need to know it. Hopefully, by following these steps, you will not feel as if you are keeping important information from the company you hope to become more a part of, nor will you feel as if you are doing something to cause trouble for another.

Q. A colleague at work routinely calls me from the road to blow off a meeting with me. “Sorry,” he says. “The meeting with the client went longer than planned so I’ll be missing our meeting.” This happens all the time. Should I feel angry or just take it without saying anything?

Anonymous

A. Once in a while circumstances will dictate that a meeting with a client overshadows an internal meeting. The fact it happens repeatedly is the real issue that needs to be addressed.

Ripping into your colleague the next time he calls and says he’s going to miss a your meeting is counter-productive. It’s more likely that he’ll respond to your anger . Then the conversation becomes about you and your anger and not about him missing meetings.

The next time he is in the office, ask to meet with him. If you don’t have an office of your own, meet with him in a private space. Before the meeting, marshal your facts: the dates and times he has canceled meetings with you because client meetings have interfered. These facts should support your contention that he really does consistently miss your meetings. Present your documentation and explain the problems caused by the missed meetings: delay in work product, poor communications. Have a solution in mind. Clearly, scheduling meetings near his client meetings isn’t working. Perhaps there’s a time first thing in the morning or on a certain day of the week that doesn’t come just after a client meeting. Then ask him for his buy-in to make that time a priority. “Jack, it looks like a meeting at 8:00AM will work for you and won’t interfere with your client meetings. Is that okay with you if we schedule our meetings then?”

Back-to-back meetings are problematic Inevitably one meeting goes too long and suddenly you’re sitting in the first meeting squirming in your seat because you know the second meeting has already started without you. If your entire day is a series of meetings, being held up causes a ripple effect which negatively impacts every subsequent appointment. You can avoid this situation by doing one of the following:

• Give yourself breathing room around each meeting. In addition to travel time, build in a fifteen-minute buffer between any meetings you schedule.
• At the start of a meeting, ask the meeting organizer to reiterate the time allotted for the meeting. If meetings routinely run over, offer to give a “ten minute warning” to wrap it up.
• Communicate ahead of time. Let the organizer know that you have another meeting scheduled close to his meeting and that you may have to leave.
• If your first meeting is more important (perhaps it is with your CEO), alert the organizer of the second meeting about your predicament and that you may be unavoidably late.

Q. I worked for a company for 18 months. I was told at a review in June that the possibility of becoming permanent would be discussed in December. At my December review, they said they still weren't sure if they wanted to make me permanent. I got upset and quit but withdrew my resignation the very next day. They said they were accepting my resignation and would not let me take back my quitting.

I am usually a calm person but the situation made me emotional. I labored for 18 months with no benefits - this is from a company that constantly boasts about being a best place to work and the great benefits it offers employees. Now my unemployment claim is being held up... what do you think about this situation?

A. Frustration is a part of life, work, relationships, and job searches. How you deal with that frustration becomes the way you are judged by people.

You felt that you were not being treated fairly by your employer having been there for 18 months in a temporary role with no benefits.  However, you were benefiting by discovering first hand whether the company culture and the position were a fit for you. In fact, many employers hire contract or temporary employees so they can determine the employee’s skill set and fit before they hire them full time. It also gives the company time to determine whether they can support the addition of temporary staff to permanent positions.

When you determined the employment agreement was no longer working for you, you could have approached your manager or human resources to discuss the status of your role. This would have allowed you to also find out what you could do to help make a decision about whether there was a permanent need for your position. Instead, you waited, and then reacted in an overly emotional way by personalizing the information you received.

They told you that they were not sure if they were going to make your position permanent, but it sounds like you heard that they did not want to make you permanent. For most companies today, the addition of an FTE (full time equivalent) remains a significant issue.  Companies do not want to add to headcount when they are unsure about what the economy holds and whether their business can support higher everyday costs. 

Unfortunately, overly emotional reactions like, yelling, crying, and quitting are not tolerated well by most employers. Managers and jobs can sometimes drive people to feel like reacting emotionally but it’s always better to step away and give yourself time to take the emotion out of it before you continue a discussion with a manager or employer. If you act on emotions there are consequences – which you just discovered.

They may have been taking their time to determine if you were the right fit. If you had periodic conversations about your performance, attitude, and behavior, you may have learned that the managers were looking for specific improvements before they were ready to commit. However, by reacting so emotionally to the delay and quitting the job, you proved to the manager that you were not the right fit. They did not accept your request to rescind your resignation because they are not obligated to do so.

This is not to say this is completely your fault. A strong manager provides performance feedback on an ongoing basis, so that there are no surprises like the one you had in December. However, if you can acknowledge your part in this situation, you will learn from it.

As far as your unemployment benefits are concerned, the decision as to whether you qualify lies solely in the hands of the Massachusetts Division of Unemployment and Training. They will call your former employer to ask questions about the length of your employment and your departure date, but this is standard procedure in determining your eligibility. Your employer will have no say in whether you receive unemployment benefits.

Good luck!

"My neck," the manager said, "is on the guillotine."

This manager had an influence problem. It involved a project team that didn't report to him - but he was accountable for the results.

I was coaching him, during a workshop, on what to say.

His first draft: "When a project goes bad, I feel distraught, because of my neck ..."

Years ago, I learned, and then modified, a method for stating your case from an excellent book: "People Skills," by Robert Bolton.

The format (modified) sounds like this: "When X happens, I feel Y, because of Z."

X is the problem; Y, your reaction; Z, the business impact.

Let's critique the guillotined manager's XYZ:

X: "When a project goes bad."

Plus: His X avoids attacking or blaming. He didn't say, "WHEN YOU SCREW UP a project."

Minus: What does he mean by "a project goes bad?"

I picture food that's gone bad - it's turned an intriguing color and is now buried in the office refrigerator like an archaeological puzzle.

You wonder, What food group could this have possibly belonged to?

It's best not to wonder, either about food or messages.

Let's be specific. What the manager really meant was, "When we miss a deadline."

Fine - say that.

Y: "I feel distraught."

Plus: Saying how you feel tells the other person that the issue is important.

Minus: "Distraught" is too emotional for business. It's like saying, "When we miss a deadline, I FEEL SO ABANDONED BY YOU."

That's heavy.

What's a business-appropriate emotion? Try "concerned."

You can be concerned that the project is late, concerned that customers will be unhappy, concerned that, in a moment of despair, you'll probably eat the mystery food in the frig and die of food poisoning.

"Concerned" covers it all, with grace and, well, without concern.

Z: "Because my neck is on the line."

Plus: Authentic.

Minus: The business impact should be larger than any of your body parts, or whether or not you look good.

Better: "Because our reputation is on the line," or "because, if we miss a deadline, that hurts our customers."

Let's pull this XYZ together: "When we miss a deadline, I get concerned about the effect on our customers."

Notice you haven't imposed a solution. That's the next step - dialogue.

Tip: Need to influence others? Make sure your message keeps them engaged.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. I work in a building with several small businesses. The bathrooms are unisex, not separated men's or ladies' rooms. I needed to go to the bathroom, and the door to the one on my floor was just slightly ajar (neither closed all the way nor locked so I thought it must be empty.)

Should I do or say anything to this man? I’m not sure if I should further apologize or if I should tell him to please shut the door in the future. I feel awkward but never expected the open door to have someone inside.

A. T., Catonsville, MD

A. Awkward! But rest assured, you really didn’t do anything “wrong,” although even with the door slightly ajar, a soft knock before entering might have saved you from embarrassment.

We have a common area unisex bathroom in our office building. I have simply made it a habit to gently knock before pushing the door open even if it is slightly ajar. I also look carefully to see if the light is on or off before proceeding as that is a really good indicator if the bathroom is in use. (The light is actually on a timer so the lights shut off even if a user fails to turn them off when exiting the bathroom.)

Sometimes the best course of action is not to exacerbate a situation by calling further attention to it. That is most likely the case here. You really don’t need to seek out the person and potentially cause further embarrassment. You apologized at the time and explained that the door wasn’t shut (his fault not yours.) Telling him to shut the door in the future isn’t necessary, either. He got the message loud and clear when you opened it.

How do I know that? One time I thought I’d locked the unisex bathroom door, but I hadn’t. A person started entering, and I quickly advised them the room was in use. While they should have knocked, my error was not making sure the door was locked in the first place. I can assure you, now every time I use the restroom, I double check that I’ve locked the door.

Your incident is over. Let it rest.

Q. What do you think about the use of headphones at work?

A. While there are many jobs that require headphones, I don't think you are asking about the appropriateness of wearing headphones to perform the duties of the job. Unless there are legal requirements for you to wear headphones, or not to wear headphones, the person who gets to make the final decision is your boss.

Many people are quite convinced that they can multitask effectively, and listen to music, books on tape, or something else on headphones while they work. People will play the radio or music through the computer at their desk, through their phones, or ipods. Yet almost all studies suggest multitasking does not increase effectiveness or productivity. Whatever plays over the headphones serves as a distraction from your primary responsibility - your job.

Headphones also serve to distance people from what they are surrounded by. Headphones serve as a message not to intrude. They act as a barrier to interaction with people who might feel they are interrupting. If you are on the job, your role is to be available to people you work with, without distraction.

This need to be totally connected is new to the workplace. A new generation has grown up electronically connected somehow for most of the day. If they are asked to focus, or pay attention, they remove one ear bud. Separating from this connectedness may be a challenge, and many places of work will require that separation.

If you are in a company - perhaps a software company, or a firm whose focus is music, you may find a more accepting culture. This is a situation where you don't want to be the leader. Look around. If you see headphones being used, and you believe you can work without distraction, have a conversation with your manager. Let him or her know there are times you'd like to wear headphones to eliminate noise that may come from your work space. There might also be times when you'd just like background noise via headphones, and want to make sure you don't appear unresponsive to colleagues. Gain approval, and make sure you respond to phone calls, and interruptions, and that no one can hear what you are listening to.

There may be tasks where using headphones might seem to work. If you are involved with repetitive work that has no people interaction, for instance. But working with distractions often has a negative result, and this is not how you want your performance impacted.

Q. At the office I work at, we have weekly potluck lunch meetings where everyone brings a dish to share while we discuss office matters. I work for a small business so there are only five of us who attend these meetings. Two of these people are vegetarians. I sometimes feel awkward bringing a meat dish to the meetings, particularly since sometimes the other two meat eaters don’t come. I don’t always know ahead of time who will be there, and I feel greedy when I end up bringing a dish that only I can eat. Should I make an effort to bring vegetarian dishes that everyone can enjoy?

M. H., Kew Gardens Hills, NY

A. May I come to lunch at your office? The simplest way to accommodate the vegetarians at the table and still be able to enjoy a meat dish is to prepare dishes in which the meat can be added at the time of serving. A chef’s salad can be fixed on site with meat added after the vegetarians have served themselves. A vegetable-based soup could be made with the meat cooked and saved in a separate container. After the vegetarians have taken their portion, the meat could be added for you and your meat-eating colleagues. Sandwiches pose no problem as you can either provide the ingredients or prepare both meat and meatless ones. What you wouldn’t want to do is bring in pre-made meat sandwiches. For some vegetarians, the fact the meat had been in the sandwich would make it inedible even when the meat is removed.

Some dishes need the meat to cook in the dish to really blend the flavors. In this case make two versions of your dish—one with and one without meat. Take chili for example. You could start by making a pot with enough for all without meat and then divide that pot into two pots. Add meat to one so it can simmer and blend the meat flavor into the chili while keeping the other pot free of meat for the vegetarians.

Of course another simple solution is simply to bring in a vegetarian dish and avoid the issue altogether.

Another option is to suggest to your colleagues that you continue to have your lunches together but instead of potluck, each person brings his or her own, and therefore different eating styles are accommodated.

At Emily Post we have a monthly meeting followed by lunch provided by the company. With a couple of vegetarians on staff we are always aware of being sure a dish can accommodate both meat –eaters and vegetarians. With a little forethought we have excellent lunches, and everyone can enjoy food prepared the way they want it.

You greet the job applicant in the lobby: "Did you have any trouble finding us?" you ask.

You're the interviewer, and you've got two questions - this isn't one of them. This is a filler.

Filler questions break the ice.

But we also use them when we're desperate. Sometimes with a problem - any problem - we don't know what we need to learn, or, if we do know, we're unsure how to learn it.

Consider the problem of hiring the right person:

1) What do you need to learn about the applicant? That depends on what's required to do this particular job and fit into this particular organization.

2) How will you learn it? What are the best questions?

"Tell me about yourself," you ask the applicant.

That's a classic opener: you start broad (without telegraphing your intent), then later you drill down.

What's underneath your opener - and many other questions - is one of your two Big Questions: "Why should we hire you?"

The applicant, if skilled, will ask questions to figure out what you're looking for. Then he will answer your big question.

Applicant: "Well, I could talk about my marketing background, my leadership experience, or my last triathlon. Where should I start?"

Here, the he has asked a smart counter-question. He gives you some options, plus some fast, bulleted info.

You: "Let's talk marketing. Any experience with social media?"

Is social media experience a must-have? What, exactly, are you looking for? Why?

Applicant: "Yes! To launch our new office machine - a combo fax, copier, and microwave oven - we made a series of You Tube videos called 'Indestructible.'"

So far, the applicant is doing OK. Unfortunately, he's about to get worse.

You: "Suppose your boss were sitting here. What kind of constructive feedback might she give you?"

Here's the other Big Question you're fishing for: "Why shouldn't we hire you?"

Applicant: "Well, she'd say I'm too aggressive."

You: "In what way?"

When someone uses abstractions, like "aggressive," don't pretend you understand. Ask for specific examples.

Applicant: "For the You Tube campaign, 'Indestructible,' my concept was to first spill coffee on the machine, then drop it on the floor, then hurl it out a window, and then take a sledgehammer and try to bludgeon the thing to death . . ."

You: "OK. We'll get back to you."

Tip: Whether you're meeting a client, coaching an employee, or interviewing a job applicant, figure out what you really need to learn - and then, how to ask.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Q. During a conference call break, one of my colleagues pressed the mute button and then blurted out, ‘What an idiot! Can you believe he actually said that?’ We quickly found out that the mute button wasn’t working when a voice came over the speaker saying, ‘We can still hear you.’ What should we have done at that moment?

A. Unfortunately, it doesn’t do much good to close the barn door after all the cows have gotten out. At this point the only thing the perpetrator and his boss can do is to immediately apologize. “We’re so sorry. Dave spoke out of turn. There really is no excuse for his comment. Please accept our apology. We want to continue with the call and are interested in what each person has to say.”

In addition, to close the loop Dave needs to take responsibility and follow up the conference call with a letter of apology to the person he was referring to.

The real issue here isn’t the mute button, it’s that Dave forgot a cardinal rule: Never say anything derogatory during a conference call. It’s too easy for a mistake to occur, like a mute button not working. At the end of the call be sure the call has disconnected before starting any discussion about it. For instance, you may think all parties have hung up when one or more connections may still be open.

Here are several more tips to make your conference calls successful:

• Have everyone in the same room at each location. It’s helpful to see your colleagues’ non-verbal cues as they speak.
• Ask each person on the call to introduce themselves so the others can more easily identify who is speaking by their voice: “Hello, this is Sam Mathis, senior account manager at the Manchester office
• Review the agenda for the call at the start and specify when the call will end.
• Ten minutes before the end of the call, the organizer should announce the time so people can begin to wrap up.
• At the end of the call the organizer should reiterate the key points or decisions and review any to-dos that have been agreed on during the call.
• After the call the organizer should send out minutes which include decisions and to-dos.

A new capability is the video conference call. The benefit is that people can see your expressions and body language in addition to hearing your words. The problem is people can see you. If you’re on a video call:

• Look at the camera when talking, not at your screen so you create eye contact with the people on the other end of the call.
• Beware of bad habits: picking your nose, chewing your fingernails, playing with your hair.
• Avoid doing other tasks like reading mail.
• Smile and sit up so you look engaged and interested and not bored.
• Use your hands to gesture. You’ll appear more animated and be more interesting to watch as you talk.

Q: I am a disabled hourly employee, working full time. The snow storms have made it difficult for me to get to work. I was told that I cannot make up time missed by using vacation or sick time. Is that correct? I have been willing to make up time on the days that are not inclement (my day off or on weekends) but was also denied that opportunity. Can they also take away my health benefits if I cannot work the scheduled hours? Is it true that you cannot use accrued time to pay for your absence from work?

A: Many companies are trying to decide if a “snow day” is a day to work from home, a day to come to work regardless of the weather, a day off with no pay, or a day off with pay. Your situation adds additional complexity to an infrequent, but challenging issue for employers and employees.

I consulted with David Conforto, founder of Conforto Law Group, P.C. a Boston-based boutique firm concentrating in all aspects of employment law and dedicated to the representation of employees. Attorney Conforto suggests the first issue to be addressed is whether you are “handicapped” or “disabled” under state or federal anti-discrimination laws.

You satisfy either definition if you are substantially limited in a major life activity, which includes walking and standing, or major bodily functions. It is imperative that you determine whether you satisfy the definition of “handicapped” or “disabled” and, if that’s the case, inform your employer about your medical conditions and limitations.

Once you provide such information, your employer has a duty to participate in the “interactive process,” which is a key mechanism for facilitating the integration of disabled employees into the workplace. This process requires an open dialogue between you and your employer with the goal of identifying “reasonable accommodations” that will allow you to do your job. An accommodation will be deemed “reasonable” if it does not pose an undue hardship on your employer.

In situations such as yours, it’s not uncommon for employers to take the position that, notwithstanding your disability, the duty to accommodate does not apply to commuting because commuting to and from work falls outside of the work environment. In the related lawsuit, the court agreed with the employer, and the appeals court reversed the ruling, stating that “under certain circumstances the ADA can obligate an employer to accommodate an employee's disability-related difficulties in getting to work, if reasonable.”

Overall, if you can establish that you suffer from a handicap or disability, the employer must engage in the interactive process with you to determine if a reasonable accommodation exists that will ease the burden associated with your commute and disability.

Do your research. Check the employee handbook to determine the minimum number of hours per week, over what time frame, is needed to qualify for medical insurance. Look to see if a reference is made to what extent accrued time can be used to satisfy this minimum. Asking colleagues about their experience with similar situations can help you gain insight into the employers practices in addition to any written policy. If your employer typically allows employees to use accrued time flexibly to make-up missed hours or to qualify for medical insurance, then the policy or practice should be applied to you too or this can be evidence of discrimination.

Email etiquette in a Super Bowl commercial. That sounds like an oxymoron to me, but there in the second quarter of the Super Bowl the Bridgestone “Reply All” ad made a key etiquette point perfectly.

Two guys are sitting at their cubicles. The first guy tells the second guy he has just “replied to all” rather than just used the reply button. We don’t even need to know what was in the email—it’s readily apparent that it was a mistake. The culprit jumps up, races around the building and then drives to various sites grabbing people’s phones, tablets, and computers before they can read the email, and finally rips out the mainframe wiring. When he gets back to his cubicle, the first guy apologizes. He was mistaken; the reply was really only to him. Bridgestone takes the credit for making it possible for Mr. Reply All to be able to get to so many locations before the people could read the email.

Despite what the commercial showed us, stopping people from reading an email once they’ve received it is impossible. Recall features only work if the email hasn’t already been opened. How many times have you received an email asking you to delete a message you’ve received without reading it? When I ask seminar participants what they do when they receive such an email, invariably they answer that they immediately read the email to see what’s up.

It’s so easy to hit the “reply all” button rather than the “reply” button and end up wishing you hadn’t. Disparaging comments about a co-worker or, worse yet, a boss, are among the most common mistakes. The lesson is really very simple. Emails are public documents. They can be received and read by people who really shouldn’t see them. Before writing or replying to an email, ask yourself, “Could I post this on a bulletin board for anyone to read?” If you answer “yes,” then go ahead and send it. But if you answer “no,” then think twice before hitting the send button.

Another email mistake that is so easy to make is sending an email to the wrong person. In many email programs, as you start typing a name in the “to” field, options appear. If I type “ka” to send to Katherine, my choices might be Katherine my agent or Katherine our administrative assistant or even Karen a real estate agent. I want to be sure I send it to the right person. One piece of great advice I heard: Fill in your “to” field as the last thing you do before sending an email rather than the first thing you do when preparing an email. Then, double check who is in the “to” field before hitting the send button.

Q: Can an employer prevent me from taking the MA state law required 30 minute meal break at the end of the work day (i.e., 8:30-5 schedule - leave at 4:30)? Can they require the meal break to be on premises and if not, can they require I inform them I am leaving the premises?

A: In Massachusetts, employers are required to offer employees a 30-minute meal break after six consecutive hours of work in a single work day. Coffee breaks and other similar breaks are not required in Massachusetts. A meal break is typically unpaid. Employers can arrange an employee’s schedule to best meet the needs of the business (within reason). For example, retail stores often require employees to take their meal breaks according to a specific schedule during the day. Or else they lunch time shoppers might arrive to find a store without any sales help!

An employer can also allow employees to leave early in lieu of taking their meal break. An employer can allow this if it meets their business needs. Sometimes this is especially helpful to the employee because of childcare concerns or bus/train schedules. An employee can also voluntarily forfeit their meal break and work through the meal break if the employer agrees.

An employee taking a bonafide meal break must be relieved of all work-related responsibilities and must be permitted to leave the premises. Often times, I get asked, “Can I have Mary cover the phones during her lunch break? We can have them forwarded to the lunch room.” An employer can ask an employee to cover the phones but this does not count as Mary’s meal break. Mary must be offered another 30-minute time slot as her meal break. Mary also must have the freedom to leave the premises.

This law does not apply to certain industries in Massachusetts, including those employers in the iron, glass, print, bleach, dye, paper and letterpress industries. Also, the attorney general’s office in Massachusetts can grant waivers to factories or plants but rarely is such a waiver granted.

Employers can be liable for breaking this law. In Massachusetts, an employer can be fined from $300 to $600 per violation. If an employer is found liable, the employer also may face other financial costs like mandatory treble damages, the expenses involved in litigation as well as attorney’s fees. This law is enforced by the Massachusetts attorney general’s office. The following link provides more information about workplace rights in the state of Massachusetts. http://www.mass.gov/Cago/docs/Workplace/wagehourbrochure_final.pdf

Midnight in Boston. Back from a business trip, I'm getting my car from Logan airport.

Unfortunately, I parked on the roof of the garage. It's snowing, so I need to do some scraping, and brushing, and muttering.

The whole purpose of a garage, if I understand it, is to be IN. The roof is not IN. It's like parking your car on top of your house.

When you exit the roof, you drive down a one-way, spiral tunnel - round and round you go! - like a very intense amusement ride.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a car appears. It's going the wrong way - towards me.

Let's pause for a moment. Sooner or later, this story is going to need a point, especially for a business audience. And the longer the build-up, the stronger the point better be.

Back at Logan, the wrong-way car misses me by inches. We both keep driving into the night.

Ok, you're thinking, so what?

"My point is X," you say at the end of your story.

Here's where you decide, similar to your life, what things mean. And things mean whatever you say they mean - at least in a story.

Take this story. What's the "X?"

1) "People are idiots."

No, no, no. That's a terrible point, especially if you're talking to a room full of people. And even if true, what's your audience supposed to do?

X should be a call to action.

2) "When you exit Logan from the roof, be prepared for anything."

Well, if someone's unfamiliar with Boston, that X might be helpful. But it's extremely literal. The story never leaves the garage.

Create a bigger meaning.

3) "Get feedback."

For this X to work, ask your audience, metaphorically, "Ever go the wrong way?"

Now, you're no longer talking about airport parking; you're talking about work, and about life, and this is now a story about feedback.

"Maybe," you say, "the people around you are honking their horns, and cursing you out. But you're oblivious. Get some feedback, for god's sake, before it's too late."

4) "Stop blaming people. Find the root cause."

Suppose the audience, like me, blames the other driver. Ok, throw in a twist: maybe that driver made a wrong turn because of a confusing sign. Maybe he's not the problem at all.

Maybe there's something terribly wrong with this entire garage.

Apart from the roof.

Tip: When speaking to a business audience, you need a compelling point. A good story has multiple points. But when you tell it, stick to one.

© Copyright 2011 Paul Hellman. All rights reserved.

Recently, Steve Hartman at CBS News did a report on thank you notes that included an interview with John Kralik whose book, 365 Thank Yous (Hyperion, December 28, 2010) was just published in time for the 2010 holiday thank you note season.

While this book focuses on Kralik’s effort to write thank you notes each day, it raises the interesting question: “Why should we write notes to people?”

The answer, in a nutshell, is that notes - thank you and otherwise - are a way of staying connected that is personal, that people appreciate, and is memorable. In this electronic age our communications are rapidly becoming more and more impersonal as we find faster and faster ways to get that communication done. Text-speak is just the latest example of faster is better: ‘b4’ for “before,” ‘cul8r’ for “see you later,” ‘lol’ for “laughing out loud.” The examples are legion. While they make sense in a text as long as they are decipherable by the uninitiated, you don’t want those abbreviations creeping into your business communications—emails, reports, or letters.

The time and effort it takes to think about the recipient, to compose and hand write the note, to address and mail it, and the tactile feel of nice note paper makes it a communication that says, “You are important to me.” When I’m asked what’s the difference between an email thank you and a handwritten one, I explain that an email is written, sent, received (hopefully) among many other emails in a day and read (hopefully), and then deleted. After a handwritten note is received and read, it is most likely put down on a desk or counter, or posted on a wall where it is seen and remembered repeatedly. “Would you rather be deleted or remembered?” I ask the questioner. The answer is self-evident.

The heart of the issue is the personal nature of a handwritten note. One of my greatest concerns about the evolution of electronic communications is the loss of the “personal” in those communications. While email, texting, and chatting are great business tools, their everyday use simply doesn’t carry the same importance, permanence, or meaning as a handwritten note. The note itself evokes your presence when it is opened, held, and read. The handwritten note is a perfect way to stand out from the crowd and of keeping you foremost in the recipient’s thoughts.

Sure, email and other forms of electronic communication are here to stay and they do a great job to keep businesses humming along at warp speed, but it doesn’t lessen the value of occasionally sending a handwritten note, something that stands out and honors the recipient.

As Kralik and Hartman have discovered, recipients really appreciate it.

Q. If you are a salaried employee, and you want to take time off, do you have to use your sick or vacation days?

A. The basics of the work contract is people are paid to come to work, and to deliver results. For most employers, when an employee does not come to work, or deliver results, they are not paid. You don't say what you need or want time off for, but it does matter to many employers, and the reason may make you eligible for FMLA (family and medical leave act).

Depending on your situation, your employer and your manager, there are a few other ways to get time off from work. As a salaried employee, your work week is not defined hourly, and does not include overtime. Most salaried employees are provided with vacation time, sick time, and perhaps personal days so they can take time off from the job.

Your seniority, your role, and the culture of your company will also determine whether you will be able to take "comp" time which is compensatory time for hours over the norm which you worked, and can take as time off to make up for the over-time.

I have also seen situations where employees have asked for time off without pay. Perhaps they want to take an extreme vacation, or some kind of sabbatical. Employees still carry costs, even though they may not be collecting a check for a specific time period. These can be made possible through things like health benefits, or other areas of financial contribution. But be prepared, because although some employers may agree to time off, others will not.

People need time off for a wide range of of reasons such as caring for family, attending parent-teacher meetings, mental health days, etc. Employers provide a wide range and of ways to get time off, so you do have many ways to take time from work, with pay and without.

Ten billion apps sold.

The other day the iTunes store announced it had sold its ten billionth app to a person in Orpington, Kent, UK, who had won a $10,000 prize and promptly hung up on Apple when the call came to announce the news to her. (That’s etiquette for another column.) That’s a lot of apps, and that’s a lot of smart phones around the world that house those apps.

As much as smart phones are wonderful devices that enhance our lives, there’s a world of potential rudeness to go with them. Of course, it’s not the phones that are rude but rather the people who use them that’s the problem.

My particular pet peeve is the person who has his phone alert him each time a new email arrives. His phone is set to retrieve those emails every 5 minutes. So, potentially as often as every five minutes, his phone makes sure everyone around him knows he has received yet another email.

That in and of itself not annoying enough to rise to the level of a pet peeve, but what’s really rude is when that tone sounds, he has to look away from you - whom he is talking with - to check out the email. The email, in his mind, is clearly more important than you are.

Even worse is when he then fiddles with his phone to read the email. He might say, “Excuse me,” as he thumbs his phone and even starts replying to it. Regardless of whether he apologizes or not, he is clearly signaling that he’s less interested in you and your conversation than in whatever is going on with his phone. Is Mr. Smart Phone being deliberately rude? If you asked him, he would say that was never his intention, but by being at the beck and call of his device, he’s oblivious to the courtesies owed the people he is with.

My advice for all cell and smart phone user is really very simple: Control it, don’t be controlled by it. Be willing to ignore and even, heresy of heresies, turn it off when its use could interrupt you when you are with others or disturb the people around you.

At the very least, make use of that vibrate/silent ring feature so any interruption is announced only to you. Before whipping out your phone and immediately responding to that vibrating, excuse yourself and step away so your answering it isn’t perceived as rude. Better yet, try to ignore the vibrating, and keep your focus on the people you are with. They’re more important than that phone and deserve your undivided attention.

Q. I worked for a difficult boss for several years and I found a better paying position out of state. During the first month at my new job, his secretary called me for help and I did provide assistance. Last week, another former co-worker called and I provided assistance.

I know we shouldn't burn bridges with former employers but I think this is harassment. How long before I can tell these people to stop calling me?

A. Your manager should no longer have expectations that you need to find things, or support their efforts on the job. However, you may find that being supportive in your communication will earn you rewards you may need later, like a reference.

How an employee leaves a job is up to both the employee and the employer. Employers are often scrambling to find a replacement, while the employee is eagerly thinking about their new role, and wrapping up their old one. Most often employers will take the lead on the transition plans, but a manager may not know how many responsibilities an individual carried out or how much support is needed during the transition.

If your employer doesn't make effective transition plans, than you can and should take the lead. Be very clear about your areas of responsibility. Document as much as you can prior to leaving. Develop a list of tasks you are responsible for and review your job description. Have a formal meeting to review each of these and determine who will be assigned to take over responsibility for these tasks so you can offer to train them.

Review your filing system - both hard copy and electronic, and document as much as possible about these systems. Rename documents if you need to so they make sense to everyone, not just you.

After you have done this, ask your manager if they would like to go over the materials you created for the new person who will fill the role. They might decide not to take advantage of this offer, but you will have done your best to provide for an effective transition. You might also offer to speak to the replacement for their first week or two on the job.

Right after someone leaves, a manager might call a former employee for help (I know I have), recognizing that this is a favor, not a demand. After that, managers should be very reluctant to call former employees for support, unless it is an emergency. Maintaining good relationships through positive, professional, communications will ensure is important. If you can't help than a positive response like "I am so sorry I can't help you more, but I don't remember after this time. If I think of anything that I think might help, I will call you or email right away.", is always the best approach.

If the difficult manager continues to be challenging, respond respectfully in an email and copy human resources, or your former manager's boss.

Q. I work for a financial services company in a large metropolitan area. One day, we received an e-mail from human resources reminding us that despite an impending snow storm, the following day would be business as usual.

Your assistance in this matter will be greatly appreciated.

- Anonymous

A. The company should not single out certain people for the privilege of staying at a hotel while others were expected to travel in from home and be at work for “business as usual.”

I could see the situation where certain people might be given the option because their job required them to be there “on-time” - an IT person whose responsibility is to keep vital servers up and running, for instance. This frequently happens at hospitals with critical personnel. The problem with your situation is the company provided this perceived benefit to some employees without any explanation and consequently caused ill-will with the others. And that is a mistake.

If the two people in your group who were selected to stay in the hotel were of the same sex, then the requirement they share a room is reasonable. In these economically challenged times many companies that once offered employees a room to themselves are now requiring sharing arrangements for employees of the same sex.

If the two people were of the opposite sex and are not involved in a relationship, the situation is different and even asking them to share a room is unacceptable. Even if they are in a relationship, asking them to share is presumptuous of the nature of their relationship. It’s possible that the unmarried couple volunteered to share a room. While this may seem fine on the surface - two consenting adults - it does blur the line between a romance and office life.

Final take on this? Note to managers: Clear up that overnight stay policy pronto and look at better top-down communication of weather emergency expectations and procedures.

One of the most surprising questions I have received came from a young man who was having trouble landing a job. “I was 20 minutes late for one job interview but only five minutes late for another,” he said. “I guess I can understand why I didn’t get the job when I was twenty minutes late, but not getting the job when I was only five minutes late seems unfair. What’s the problem?” What was surprising about his question was that he had no concept that “late” is not a relative term, you either are or you aren‘t.

In my seminars, I tell participants, “If I had only one piece of advice I could give it would be: Be on time.” If you’re on time, you start out on the right foot. When you’re late, you start out on the wrong foot trying to recover from your error. You know that because the first words out of your mouth are, “I’m sorry.” In the case of this young man, late is late, and if he can’t be on time for the interview can he be relied on to be on time preparing a report, meeting with a client, or simply getting his work done in general? It’s no surprise he didn’t get the job, especially if, in comparison, his competition was on time.

At a job interview your goal is to stand out from the other applicants, not just because of your job skills, but also by your polished personal skills. By concentrating on these five essentials, you’ll improve your chances for success:

Be on time.

Prepare. It’s expected that you ask questions about the company where you’re applying, so do some research ahead of time. Practice answers to anticipated interview questions. Do it out loud so you get used to hearing yourself and so your mouth gets familiar actually forming the words. The key here is practice will give you confidence, and businesses favor people who are confident.

Dress one notch up. Make an effort to check out how people at that business dress. You want to show you belong and your clothing will signal that instantly. If they dress casually, you might step it up by adding a tie or jacket to your outfit.

Smile, look them in the eye and speak clearly. Your goal is to show your interviewer that you can represent her company positively and effectively. If you mumble, if you can’t look the interviewer in the eye, if you’re sullen, she’ll wonder if that’s how you’ll interact with colleagues, clients, prospects, or suppliers, and she won’t be impressed.

Thank them twice. First at the end of the interview, and then a second time when you send a thank you note, ideally within twenty-four hours. You can start by sending an email thank you. Best practice is to follow it up with a note sent in the mail. It’s not only polite, but also proves that you know how to conclude a business interaction effectively.

Q. A colleague said he received a gift, a nicely engraved pen. Unfortunately, his name was misspelled. He asked if he should mention the mistake when thanking the gift giver. My first inclination is to not mention the mistake. However, if this is from a business colleague, then wouldn’t it be kind to alert him as the vendor could have been careless? Do you think he should mention the mistake, and if so, should it be included in the Thank You card perhaps as a humorous note? I appreciate any advice you may have.

C. R., Seal Beach, CA

A. Your question is excellent, a real “between a rock and a hard place” one. Everyone can immediately perceive that this is an uncomfortable situation: Say something to the giver and risk embarrassing him; say nothing and have a gift with your name misspelled. Before making that choice, you could start with the vendor if you know who it is. My wife once received sheets incorrectly monogrammed that her mother ordered from Land’s End. A call to Land’s End ascertained the sheets had indeed been incorrectly monogrammed and new ones were sent. Problem solved. If you know who the engraver is and if he made an error doing the engraving (the order says “McGregor” while the pen says “MacGregor”), most likely he’ll make good. But any engraver may be able to fix the problem by buffing down the metal and re-engraving your name. It’s certainly worth asking, as it would avoid the more difficult choice of deciding whether or not to say anything to the giver.

If the engraving can’t be fixed, then the key to solving this problem is for your colleague to consider how his actions will affect the giver. From this point of view saying or doing nothing other than expressing his thanks may well be the best answer. Remember, it’s the thought behind the gift that matters most. Have your colleague answer this question: What would be the point of making the giver feel embarrassed?

If your colleague does decide to mention the error, he shouldn’t push to have the mistake corrected. “John, thank you so much for the thoughtful gift. I’ve enjoyed working with you this year and look forward to our continued friendship in the coming year. I do have a question for you. Could you let me know where you got the pen engraved? My name is spelled incorrectly, and I would like to see if they can adjust it.” The giver may well offer to take care of it. Your colleague should decide ahead of time if he will accept the giver’s offer if it is made.

On the other side of the coin, when giving engraved or monogrammed gifts, it pays to double-check the spelling of the recipients’ names before you give the gift.

Q: My employer gives us a 40 minute lunch break once per day. He deducts 40 minutes from our total number of hours worked for the day. We don’t get coffee breaks like I did in my last company. I live and work in Massachusetts. Is this even legal?

A: In Massachusetts, most employers are required to provide a 30-minute meal break to employees who work more than six hours in a single workday. This meal break does not have to be paid. Providing two 15-minute breaks is not considered the equivalent of a single 30-minute break. The meal break has to be 30 minutes or more. Many employers offer a lunch hour but that is not a legal requirement in Massachusetts. There are some industries that are exempt from this law (iron, glass, print, etc.). The attorney general can also grant waivers for some workplaces that would exempt the employer from requiring a 30-minute lunch break. Usually this would occur within a factory or an assembly plant. These waivers are rare.

An employer can allow an employee to work through this meal break if the employee chooses to do so and the employer agrees to this arrangement. During an employee’s lunch break, the employee should be permitted to leave the work location and also be relieved of all work responsibilities.

Massachusetts does not require employers to offer rest breaks other than the 30- minute lunch break described above. There are a handful of states that require rest breaks but Massachusetts is not one of them. There is no federal law which requires an employer to provide rest breaks. An employer can offer employees additional rest breaks during the day but I find this is to be a rarity now. Some bargaining agreements may require breaks during the work day.

It sounds like your employer is in compliance with the required lunch break law in Massachusetts. Employers can be liable for breaking this law. In Massachusetts, an employer can be fined from $300 to $600 per violation. If an employer is found liable, the employer also may face other financial costs like mandatory treble damages, the expenses involved in litigation as well as attorney’s fees. This law is enforced by the attorney general’s office. More information is available from the attorney general’s office. Attached is information related to workplace rights. http://www.mass.gov/Cago/docs/Workplace/wagehourbrochure_final.pdf

Q. Hi. I love this column and often cut out the questions and answers and bring them into work. I particularly like the recent one on bullying. It is a relevant topic and one that is not addressed very appropriately or often in the workplace.

I do think these non-thankers believe the way I do, though and have no idea they should be sending a thank you. Perhaps they all get bonuses and other thank you incentives from their employer. If so, they are lucky to be employed and should show their gratitude with a simple thank you note.

J. T., Salisbury, MA

A. Thank you for your kind comments particularly about bullying in the workplace, which is a serious issue and needs to be addressed by individuals and companies as well as by our legislatures. It is a scourge that should not be tolerated and perpetrators should face consequences for their despicable behavior.

As for the thank-you note issue: Is the holiday party an obligation on the part of the company, something owed to employees like a paycheck, or is it a way of saying thanks and showing appreciation? Most of us would say that it is a gesture of appreciation. The kind, considerate action on the receiver’s part is to acknowledge that statement of appreciation by saying thank you in return. In fact, the best response is to express your thanks twice: Once when you leave the party and again with a short note in the next day or two.

A thank you really shouldn’t be an “I have to,” it should be an “I want to.” Change your mind set from one of thinking of writing a note as an obligation to thinking of the note as an opportunity to say, “I am the kind of person who knows how to show my appreciation for what others do for me.” In last week’s scenario, it was interesting that the manager pointed out that support staff wrote thank-you notes, but that his more upper level reports did not, subtly implying that the company “owed” them the party or dinner. Not writing the thank-you note and implying they’re owed is having a decidedly down-side effect. Conversely, if the employees send a thank you note, there is only an up-side. Sending a thank-you note is an opportunity. Do it.

Q. I am a senior manager at a small but rapidly growing human services firm with 3 offices in Boston. I manage 15 professional level staff who provide the services we market.

It is my sense that this lapse in politeness is causing some to been seen in a negative light. My question is, as their direct manager can I intervene and give some instruction about professional courtesy at regular staff meeting or in a memo or is this beyond my role?

E. F., Boston, MA

A. As their manager, not only do you hold your staff accountable for their actions, but their actions also reflect directly on you, and, right now, they're not painting a good picture.

Consequently, it’s imperative that you remedy the situation. By far the best way to handle the issue is in person, either at a regular staff meeting, or, perhaps even better, at a specially called meeting, which shows how important you think this is. You can teach them yourself or bring in an expert to help them learn not only the craft of writing a thank-you note, but also the underlying reasons why they should be doing it and how it will benefit them.

In the years I have been teaching business etiquette, I have found it’s important to provide the “why” if I am going to change people’s behavior. In your case the “why” is their image in the eyes of the people who hold sway over promotions and purse strings.

It’s simple really. Ask your professionals: “Would you rather have someone appreciate you or think poorly of you?” Then add that when that person is the firm principle, the answer is twice as easy to figure out. Right now their image is a negative one.

The beauty of thank-you notes is that the fix is really easy. They take no more than five minutes out of a person’s day, and, yet, thank-you notes pay such rich rewards. The note itself can be short, three to five sentences work very nicely: “Dear Janice, Marge and I enjoyed the office holiday party last night. The evening was a great opportunity to get to know our colleagues and their spouses personally. I didn’t know Jim is such an avid rock climber, something I enjoy as well. Thank you for hosting such a fun event. Best, Peter”

Schedule the training session ASAP.

Q. Employees continue to eat food from the fridge that does not belong to them even though the food items are clearly labeled with a co-worker's name!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

J. P., Bloomingdale, NJ

A. I’m confounded by the workplace kitchen. Colleagues steal food, leave messes for others to clean up, leave food to rot and smell long after it should have been thrown out, and leave the lunch table or break room a mess. I hear about it repeatedly, and I’m appalled.

The simplest solution for you may be to bring your food in a small, insulated lunch carrier that will protect it without having to put it in the refrigerator. That way you can keep it at your desk and away from light-fingers. While this may solve your problem, it leaves the lunch thief at large and shifts the problem to the next victim.

Short of installing a security camera - likely to be seen as management spying - or catching the thief in the act, your next official step is to take it to management. Ask if you can bring this up at the next office meeting. Alerting coworkers to be on the lookout may be enough of a deterrent to foil the lunch-lifter.

If that brings no joy, then it’s time to propose a kitchen policy. In your situation, I suggest getting like-minded, frustrated employees together and recommending a policy to management.

Creating rules requires determining the consequences and who will be responsible to do the enforcing. Be specific in your recommendations not only with the problems but also with the consequences. What do you do if a food thief is caught? Is a warning sufficient or is stealing really stealing, whether it’s someone’s lunch or money from the cash register? If dishes are left in the sink and no one takes responsibility, do you close the kitchen to all?

Each company will have to decide the severity of the consequences for the different infractions. The key is that once articulated, the rules must be enforced for everyone. Unfortunately, you may not be able to get a policy instituted precisely because it requires enforcement. Management’s attitude may be: “Hey, we’re all adults here. People should be able to be responsible for themselves.”

At the very least, try posting the following advice for the workplace kitchen or break room:

• Leave it alone unless it’s yours.
• Clean up your dishes.
• Throw it out or take it home.
• Wipe off and clean up counters, common area tables and chairs.

P.S. Please, don't even think about lacing your food with a laxative or other substance. While it may seem like a tempting pay-back, it could have severe or adverse medical consequences.

Q: My husband owns a small business. 2010 was a relatively good year for his business (compared to 2009 and 2008). He wants to have a holiday party in late December at a local restaurant. Do companies still have these parties? I am concerned about some people overdoing it with alcohol. What can we do to prevent this?

A: I am happy to hear that your husband’s business had a successful year in 2010. Congratulations to him and his company!

From what I have observed, many companies are enjoying holiday parties but the events seem to be far more casual and less glitzy than in past years. Some of my clients are having brunches at local restaurants (probably to avoid the concern that you have shared). Some of my clients are having potluck events in their office conference rooms with no alcohol being served. I have a few clients who are ordering pizzas and salads during a lunch hour in December. Although few in number, I know of a few companies who are renting function rooms at restaurants or hotels to celebrate the success that they enjoyed in 2010. If alcohol is being served at a company event, it is sometimes helpful to issue reminders in advance in a non-threatening but professional way. One example of an email that your husband could send to all employees in advance of the event:

I look forward to joining you at 6:30pm on Saturday, Dec 18, 2010 at the ABC Restaurant (the Blue Room) at 123 Main Street in Anytown, Mass. Dinner will be served at 7pm. I am thankful to each and every employee for their contributions in 2010. I look forward to enjoying the company of co-workers, our invited guests and a delicious meal. I also want everyone to be safe. Please drink responsibly and enjoy the evening. I will see you on the 18th!

1. As a business leader, model appropriate behavior. Ask your senior team members to also model professional behavior. Emphasize the meal and the chance to get to know others while enjoying dinner. Ask your senior team members to specifically avoid conversations (even in a joking manner) that could be construed as encouraging excessive alcohol consumption. An example of a comment that should be avoided: “Things have been so tight at ABC Co. for two years now that I have decided that if Mr. Jones is buying the drinks at the party, I will be doing the drinking!”
2. Remind senior leaders and all employees that professional behavior is still expected even during a holiday or end of year event.
3. Avoid religious connotations in your messaging and décor so that all on your guest list feel welcome and included.
4. If serving alcohol, use trained bartenders to help minimize liability as well as to identify behavioral changes as a result of alcohol consumption.
5. If an employee or guest does drink alcohol in excess, ensure that the individual(s) is able to get home safely. Consider paying for a cab or requesting a sober colleague to drive them home.

Most employees will behave in a professional manner, especially if it is a company-sponsored event. However, a company’s culture and past history of social events can influence future events.

Q. My friend works in a legal office as an administrative assistant with much experience and excellent reviews. Occasionally, she must give coverage to a certain female attorney. This woman "goes off" frequently—at every real or imagined "wrong" that this assistant does. She "scolds" in a loud, belittling, and sarcastic way. Several people in the office have, over the years, left, supposedly because of this woman's rude behavior. My friend gets incredibly stressed over this, but because she is nearing retirement age, doesn't want to "rock" the boat and worries that she will be the one reprimanded. She has been told to "suck it up" by other workers.

What can be done? It is bullying!

Anonymous

A. Unfortunately, because your friend is close to retirement and doesn’t want to take an action that will possibly jeopardize her job, her best option may be to “suck it up.” Here’s why: In American business the bully, who is statistically likely to be a person of a higher status, is also likely to have a protector, a person or people of equal or higher status. A study commissioned by the Workplace Bullying Institute found:

• 62% of bullying incidents result in no consequences for the person doing the bullying.
• 72% of bullies are a person of higher status.
• 64% of those bullied either leave their job voluntarily (40%) or are terminated (24%).
• 23% of the bullies were terminated (14%) or punished (9%).

For your friend, these statistics paint a grim picture, suggesting that by reporting the behavior she may end up being the person who suffers the consequences. Understandably, she may not be willing and, perhaps, she shouldn’t take the chance. Possible other courses of action include:

• Talking to the bully. Don’t have the conversation when the bullying is occurring and focus on discovering the underlying issue and how to get past it.
• Convincing the other workers to bring the issue up as a group with management. There is strength in numbers and, short of leaving her job, this approach may have the best chance of success.
• Trying to identify and talk to a person in management who is not a protector of the bully. Remember, more often than not the bully is the person who is protected.

If she chooses to address the issue in these ways, she needs to do so with her eyes wide open that the result may not be good for her. Only she can decide whether she is willing to risk her job to expose the issue, and that even in risking her job, the bully may not be thwarted.

Bullying is a scourge on the workplace. Bullying negatively impacts businesses and individuals as it leads to reduced work effort, stress in the workplace, people quitting their jobs, lost profits, and problems with recruitment. An excellent source for more information, The Bully At Work by Gary Namie and Ruth Namie spells out the rather depressing realities of bullying in the workplace. Please, have your friend read this book.

Q: I was in a consensual relationship with my supervisor. She broke it off and then started to make life at work miserable. She gave me unwarranted written reprimands and put me on part time 3rd shifts. I am a diabetic and tried to explain to her that the shift change could have a negative effect on my health. I told her I was going to complain both internally and to the proper agencies. I wrote a complaint to the owners and filed a sex/gender complaint with the state attorneys office. I also submitted a letter from my doctor requesting I be returned to my usual 2nd shift. I was shortly thereafter terminated for calling in sick. Do you think this is retaliation?

A: Your supervisor has made some serious errors in judgment by entering into a relationship with a direct report, which makes all of the actions which followed the break up suspect. Although you considered your relationship consensual, more senior management, and an employment attorney might not agree.

Companies typically have policies in place against relationships between direct reports, or between employees at different organizational levels. If it looks like these activities are condoned by management, it may communicate a message that the way to advance your career is by engaging in sexual conduct or that sexual solicitations are a prerequisite to fair treatment. David Conforto, founder of Conforto Law Group, a Boston boutique law firm concentrating in employment law and dedicated to the representation of employees explains, “This can form the basis of an implicit “quid pro quo” sexual harassment claim. Such a claim is especially an issue if your work atmosphere is such that your supervisor and other management-level employees regularly solicit sexual favors from subordinate employees and offer job opportunities to those who comply, even if those employees willingly consented to the sexual requests. It would be particularly helpful to know whether your supervisor has since become involved with or expressed a noticeable interest in another subordinate, and bestowed preferential treatment on that particular person. Such conduct would bolster a potential claim for “quid pro quo” sexual harassment.”

I hope the owners of the company have responded to your complaint. They would be wise to take the issue seriously and conduct an internal investigation, even now. There are practices they would need to follow to prevent their own corporate liability, and if they have not responded, the state will.

Attorney Conforto also explains, “The fact that you suffer from diabetes likely qualifies you as “disabled” under the Americans with Disabilities Act. In order to be considered disabled, you must be “substantially limited” in a “major life activity.” Among other changes, the Amendments broadened the definition of major life activity to include major bodily functions related to, for instance, the endocrine system and the production of insulin – which is a function that is severely impaired or non-existent in those, like yourself, who suffer from diabetes. Also, the fact you suffer from diabetes likely qualifies you as “handicapped” under the Massachusetts Fair Employment Practices Act, which has long granted broader protection to employees with severe or potentially life-threatening medical conditions, like diabetes.”

State and federal law allow you the right to request and receive reasonable accommodations that will allow you to perform your job if you are considered disabled or handicapped. Conforto goes on, “In your case, the reasonable accommodation in question was a return to your usual shift. The employer was required to grant you this accommodation if it did not pose an undue hardship. Your employer also had a duty to participate in what is called the “interactive process,” which is an open dialogue used to identify the precise limitations of your disability and potential reasonable accommodations that could help you overcome those limitations, even beyond a transfer back to your usual shift.”

It seems these did not occur, and you may have potential claims for handicap discrimination in the form of failure to accommodate under both state and federal law.

Submitting medical documentation substantiating your need to return to your usual shift is considered a protected activity and being terminated right after that may suggest retaliation. A lawyer would be most capable of providing the detailed information you need. Claims for sexual harassment, handicap discrimination, and retaliation must be filed within 300 days of the adverse action with either the Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination or the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Last week's column focused on gift giving within the office. However, that's not the only type of gift giving that occurs at this time of the year. Clients give gifts to a business they work with and vice versa. These gift exchanges happen both on an individual level and between companies.

If on an individual basis you are considering giving a gift to a client or someone you do business with, the first step is to make sure you abide by that company's gift rules. Some companies simply don't allow employees to receive gifts while others put a limit on the value of the gift. Giving a gift that's outside the parameters means that the employee will be put in the awkward position of having to return the gift. If you receive a gift that exceeds the limit, let the giver know why you are returning it and be sure to thank him for his thoughtfulness.

Once you know that giving a gift is permissible, keep it professional in nature, nothing personal that could be misinterpreted. Even if you think that a blouse would be a great gift because it’s the perfect color, your client may perceive the gift as having romantic overtones.

If you receive a gift, open it then and there if the giver is with you. A heartfelt thank you on the spot is great and a follow-up thank-you note is a perfect way to express your appreciation and also reach out to the giver one more time. If the giver is not present when you open the gift, it is imperative that you write the thank-you note not only to express your appreciation but also to let the giver know that you received the gift. Don’t worry if you don't have a gift to give in return. Keep the focus on the giver and the gift. A few days later you can always reciprocate, if you wish.

People angst too much over the thank-you note and then end up not writing it. Keep it to three or four sentences

Simon,

Peter

Gifts given and received on behalf of the company, department, or office are really appreciated and are a great way to honor the team. Chocolates, a basket of fruit, a gift box of cheeses and crackers, a tin with a variety of popcorn flavors are all great gifts that everybody can enjoy. Be sure to put the gift out where all can share in it. As with gifts between individuals, a thank-you note is imperative not only to express appreciation for the gift but also to let the giver know it has been received.

Q: If an individual who is entitled to severance pay later accepts a new position with another company, is he or she still eligible for severance pay? Or is the severance pay terminated?

A: The purpose of severance pay is to provide a terminated employee with some continuation of income after the employee is no longer employed. In Massachusetts, employers are not required to provide severance pay to most terminated employees. There are some exceptions however. Being a member of a union and/or having an employment agreement with a severance clause are two examples of situations where severance payments may be required. Another reason why employers offer a terminated employee severance pay is to limit the company's liability. Additionally, an employer might request that the employee leave the company in a professional manner and refrain from speaking negatively about the company. Often severance pay is given only if the exiting employee signs an agreement where the employee agrees not to sue their former employer.

Most employers determine their own severance policy. Policies can vary widely. Severance often varies depending upon the employee’s level within the company and their length of service with the company. Other factors can also be taken into consideration as well.

Some companies offer severance payments for a specific length of time. An example may be 12 weeks of severance. Another company might offer 8 weeks of severance and then if the former employee lands a comparable job during that severance period, the individual can collect the remaining weeks at 50% but in a lump sum payment.

In short, an individual must review the severance and/or separation agreement that was likely signed prior to leaving the the employer. This agreement should provide detail on the specifics of the "terms and conditions" of receiving severance. If in doubt, you could contact your former employer.

In my experience, most companies would terminate the severance pay if the terminated individual began a new role that was comparable to the former role that they held. However, some companies do offer the 50% lump sum payment too.

Over the past few years, there has been a bit of discussion with respect to severance and what constitutes a “comparable role.” In particular, what if the new role is a part-time position? Or a consulting role? Or a temporary role? Is that a comparable position to the full-time position that the employee had prior to being terminated? It is best to clarify how a comparable role is defined before signing any agreement.

Q: It’s the holiday season, and the questions are starting to be asked: “Do I have to give my boss a gift?’ or “Do I have to get everyone in my department a gift” or “What’s an (in)appropriate gift for a colleague or manager?”

A: It’s not a good idea to give a gift to a manager just from you. From the perspective of the other people in your department you can look like you are trying to curry favor with her. Or you may end up putting your colleagues in the position of either having to buy a gift or competing against you by buying a more expensive gift. The best solution is for the workers in your area to pool their resources and buy one gift for the boss from everyone. Result: no competition and everyone is viewed equally.

Finally, be sure to thank the giver. If possible, open the gift when it is given so you can thank the person immediately. A brief follow up thank-you note is the perfect way to let the giver know you appreciate her thoughtfulness.

Q. I gave my leave of notice this week as I will be starting a new job next week. One of the managers contacted me today to say that he will not accept my notice and said that he will accept a leave of absence as this company does not want to lose me as an employee. What are, if any, the ramifications in this situation?

A. Congratulations on two counts! You got an offer from a new employer and are ready to start a new job, and that is terrific. Secondly, your current employer thinks you are great and doesn't want to lose you as a valued employee. That can be a great position to be in, but you don't sound too happy about the situation.

There seems to be too little information being discussed between you and your managers. It seems that when you gave them notice of your intention to leave they were surprised, disappointed and eager to find a way to keep you. Perhaps they don't know why you have chosen to leave, or if you are not happy with the job, the compensation, or any other factor of the work. They may be concerned that you won't be happy in the new job and new company.

The offer of a leave of absence gives you the option of staying "on the books" of your former employer, but not on the payroll, and typically not eligible for any benefits. I typically do not see employers choosing this option, but many employees would enjoy the benefit, I believe. The leave will act as a safety net, so that if you do choose to come back to your current employer, they can limit the paperwork involved in reinstating you, and continuing all your benefits. Perhaps this has worked for them before, if employees have chosen to test out other companies or options and then wanted to return to this firm.

As long as you have given the employer your notice to terminate, you are under no obligation to stay, or return to work at this company. It should have no impact on your new role, as long as you have not signed anything relating to a leave of absence.

You haven't said whether you really wanted to leave, but since you applied and accepted another job, we'll assume you did. If you think there are ways to make your current job more of what you are looking for, your employer seems to be saying they wish you would have that conversation.

Most people choose not to let employers know when they are looking for new jobs. They worry about retaliation, being overlooked for promotions, or being replaced before they are ready to leave. There are times when a candid discussion about your career path, ways your role might be improved, or expanded, or any other issues you are facing might make all the difference between looking for a new job and making your current job exactly what you want it to be.

Hi, I have to tell you about a personal experience with languages in the workplace. This is a late response to your column of a few months ago: "Should bilingual co-workers chat in their native tongue?" This is a true story.

I was the leading salesman for my former company when my boss wanted me to sit in on a product demo a hopeful new vendor wanted us to add to our arsenal. We met with the two reps in our conference room at our corporate office. They and the product were from France. After about twenty minutes I asked a legitimate question pertaining to the product’s performance/track record. I wasn't trying to stump them, but evidently I did as they started talking to each other in French. Well, not only was that extremely rude and totally unprofessional, they had no idea my boss was French Canadian and understood everything perfectly. They then addressed me back in English and said they would have to get back to us. My boss and I of course kept perfect poker faces. When they left, my boss told me that no one had ever asked that before and that they had no idea what to tell us. The two of us had a good laugh. By the way, they never sold us anything, and we never invited them back. So reverting to their native language backfired on them.

Thought this would help your arsenal of dos and don’ts. Our great company has since been sold but my old boss and I remain friends.

G. G., Everett, MA

To paraphrase one of Murphy’s Laws: If something can go wrong, it will; and it will go wrong at the worst possible moment. Your story illustrates the risks a person takes in being surreptitious. You make a comment or discuss an issue using a foreign language thinking people around you won’t know what you are saying, and it turns out they know exactly what you were saying. Maybe you’ll recover, and maybe you won’t. But you can be sure that the one time you really didn’t want to be caught, that’s the time you will be. In your example, if these two vendors needed to have an offline conversation to try to get an answer, they should have been up front and excused themselves: “We need a moment to review and discuss your question. Would you excuse us, please? “

We send emails to one person gossiping or denigrating another. The email gets seen by the person being talked about. During a break on a conference call, we push the mute button and then comment negatively about the people on the call. Unfortunately, that’s the time the button doesn’t engage, and the other party hears our comments. The situations are endless, and the results can be disastrous. Be careful out there. Don’t let Murphy catch you.

Q: I left a job in the early fall of 2010. I enjoyed good working relationships with my supervisor, my co-workers and the small team of employees who I supervised. My departure was professional, amicable and only because I found a similar role much closer to my home (cutting more than 20 miles from my commute). Since I have left my former company, one of my former colleagues (who I was not very close to when we worked together), keeps contacting me pretty frequently. She sends me invitations to events, has sent me friend requests on Facebook, texts me, emails me and calls me on my cell phone. We never had a close relationship when I worked with her so I am surprised by this. Occasionally a group of us would go out after work but we never had a real friendship. I don’t want to offend her but how to I get her to stop contacting me? It is becoming a nuisance.

A: Relationships developed within the workplaces can present challenges. Sometimes romantic relationships start in the office. Sometimes lasting friendships begin while colleagues work closely on a challenging client project. Sometimes one employee hopes for more than a professional relationship while the other employee prefers to maintain some distance. It sounds like your circumstance falls in the last category.

I think your former colleague needs to be sent a clear message in a professional but direct manner. You could email her a message since you did not have a particularly close relationship with her in the past. One possible message might be:

Jane, I have received your messages (all of them!). I hope you are well. I can barely keep up with my regular emails and other correspondence from friends, co-workers and family members. Can you please stop attempting to contact me? It is honestly feeling overwhelming. I wish you the best at ABC. Thank you for respecting my wishes, Jen

With this message, you have professionally and politely told her to stop reaching out to you. If she continues and you feel anxious or threatened, you may want to alert your local police and/or your former employer. In Massachusetts, if her behavior continued, it could be considered stalking. Stalking is a crime.

One of my reasons for suggesting an email (rather than a telephone call) is that you may need this email to prove that you asked her to stop contacting you. And you probably don't want to truly engage with her in a live conversation. If your former colleague does not stop her behavior, it would be helpful to have a copy of this email available. It would clearly demonstrate that you have requested her to stop contacting you. This would likely assist you if you had to provide the police with evidence that supports your concern. Additionally, do not destroy other evidence of her behavior.

Q: I recently received a poor performance evaluation from my new supervisor. My supervisor is inexperienced in our department but has a long history with our employer. He said that I need to be an “active listener” with him, my colleagues and our customers. I don’t even know what he means by this. Do you?

A: Communication is important in almost all jobs, whether the role is a firefighter, a marketing manager or a company president. We all have our own unique communication styles. Some of us speak with our hands. Some of us have trouble maintaining eye contact. Some of us are more reserved, while others are more ebullient. Culture, gender and personal experiences can all shape an individual’s communication style.

Active listening is a term for ensuring that you and your audience are communicating effectively. Although it may sound trite, it is encourages the listener to be engaged in the conversation. It encourages the listener to be aware of both the verbal (what is said) and non-verbal signals (e.g., body language, motions, posture and eye contact). What are some steps you can take?

1. Avoid or eliminate distractions when talking to others. That might mean turning off a cell phone, closing a door or ignoring your email for a bit. This behavior also shows respect to your audience. The message is that they are important to you.
2. Ask questions to clarify the meaning or intent of what the other party has said. An example: “Tim, are you saying we need to shorten the cycle time by two days?”
3. Ensure that your body language, eye contact and facial expressions are appropriate and show interest. If you are slouching in your chair and nodding off that sends a message to your audience. If you are learning forward, maintaining eye contact and nodding at the appropriate times, it sends a message of interest.
4. Allow the other person(s) the time to talk. Avoid repeated interruptions. Apologize if you do interrupt. An example: “Sam, I am sorry I interrupted you. Please finish and I will add my comments when you are done.”
5. Handle disagreements tactfully. An example: “Jill, while I understand your concerns, I am not sure that I am convinced that we should eliminate that benefit. Can we gather a bit more benchmark data from the surveys that we purchased?”
6. Empathize when appropriate. An example: “Cara, I am sorry that you had to deal with the mishap with the ABC account. That must have been a hassle.”

In short, I consider active listening as “being present” with another person or persons. What do I mean? It means that you are fully engaged in the moment. In your situation that may mean your conversations with supervisor, your colleagues or your clients. You are not thinking about what you had for breakfast, the Celtics game later tonight or the emails in your inbox. You are attuned to the person or persons with whom you are communicating.

In this day and age how is it still acceptable that men have to wear a shirt and tie and women don't? Shouldn't equality be a two-way street? Is it legal to require men and not women to follow this dress code? Has this ever been challenged in court or in a public forum?Thank you.

R. H., Reading, Ma

Most assuredly, equality should be a two-way street. But the sexes are different, and what constitutes formal dress, business casual, or casual dress for one sex is not automatically exactly what the other sex should have to wear. If it was, one might argue that men should be required to wear a skirt and suit jacket just as easily as you argue that women should have to wear a tie (the shirt goes without saying unless she is wearing a dress).What has happened, and what is reasonable, is that gender-appropriate clothing has been defined for different levels of formality.

For instance, with a business formal attire policy a suit, shirt, and tie is appropriate for men while a pant or skirt suit with a jacket and a formal shirt is appropriate for women. When wearing a skirt, business formal dress calls for women to wear hose as well. Imagine if the code was identical for both men and women and men had to wear skirts and hose. Frankly, I’ll happily wear the tie instead of having to wear hose.

Businesses can—and should—set their own dress codes. When a person applies for a job at a company, he should learn what the company standards are and be prepared to follow the standards as an employee of that company. Problems with what is appropriate or inappropriate dress almost always reflect a business’ failure to establish a well-defined dress code. When the dress code is vague—“We have a business casual code at XYZ company”—inevitably employees are left wondering whether a collarless shirt is acceptable, if Capri pants are acceptable, what footwear is acceptable, or if a golf shirt is acceptable. By explicitly defining terms, these questions are resolved and, perhaps most importantly, not left to interpretation by managers of different divisions or departments.

In larger corporations dress codes can vary between departments and between locations. What’s acceptable dress in an accounting department may be different from what’s acceptable in the executive offices. Similarly, what’s acceptable in the Los Angeles, California office may be different from what’s acceptable in the Atlanta, Georgia office. Employees need to know and respect those differences.

Dress codes haven’t been instituted to make life more difficult for employees. Their value rests in that they make it easier for employees to know what to wear to show respect for the company, the clients, and fellow co-workers. An employee’s job isn’t to push the limits of the dress code; rather it’s to respect the code and work within its limitations.

Q. I need some advice on how to handle a demoralizing situation. A co-worker was transferred to my department. To put it kindly, she is a lazy, gossiping, drama queen. She arrives late/leaves early, disappears for hours in the afternoon and avoids work at all costs. She thinks nothing of cornering people for an hour at a time, going on some tirade or other.

She very openly speaks disparagingly of our manager and our department - including me. Rather than speaking to management, people are coming to me to report what she's saying. I've told senior managers, including HR, but it seems no one is willing to do anything about this. Our manager is trying to crack down and is writing her up for tardiness and missed assignments but since senior management won't fire her, she just continues her bad behavior. Her latest thing is to complain that she is being overworked while I get "special treatment". I just want the situation resolved. I've been told to be patient and to not let her bother me but I really feel like I'm in the middle. What do I do?

A. Disputes, dislike, and disparagement among colleagues contributes to a total erosion of any positive culture an organization might have. When so much time and energy goes into bad behavior, commenting on bad behavior, and the continued reporting of the same, the work of the organization gets lost.

Everyone involved in these kinds of "daytime dramas" needs to find new and more effective ways to deal with this disruptive behavior. The most challenging person is your new co-worker, and we need to limit the impact she has on you, and your colleagues. Something is working for her in the current circumstances, and she has no reason to change the situation. You, however, are not happy with the status quo, and are motivated to eliminate yourself from the "middle position".

When colleagues approach you to report on her behavior, you need to politely interrupt their rampage, and let them know that you do not want to know. After a pause, where they might be wondering if you are serious, you may need to respond "Really - I do not want to know. I appreciate your support, but I just don't want to be involved with this." You may need to take this approach over several weeks before people stop approaching you, but when said in a positive way, demonstrating professional behavior and conversation in all your other interactions, people will understand and believe you. You no longer have to be in the middle, and those who feel the continued need to report on her behavior can direct their comments to the manager and human resources.

No employee should allow themselves to be cornered by another employee for an hour and subjected to employee tirades. The time taken from the job is significant, and there is typically no problem solving involved in these kinds of conversations. Employees put into this position can encourage the ranting employee to discuss the issues they are having with Human Resources or their manager.

If these issues continue, you can meet with human resources, and your manager to help them understand the impact this person’s behavior is having on the morale. Once you have done that, recognize that the resolution of this and similar situations rest with management taking on a leadership role.

Q. My colleague left a project in my care while he was out of the office. While I was working on it, I discovered an error he had made. I wasn’t sure how to correct it, so I brought the issue to our boss, who helped me. However, it also came up in the conversation how the error came to be, which does not look great for my colleague. I didn’t mean to be a tattletale, and now I feel like I owe him an apology–will that just make things more awkward?
Anonymous
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

A: “Tattletale” and “apology” aren’t words I thought of when I considered your situation. The fact is your colleague turned his project over to you, and it had an error in it, an error you weren’t responsible for. Your goal was to continue the work on your colleague’s project and have it be accurate. Once you realized there was an error and you needed your boss’s help in resolving it, you had no choice but to talk with him. Otherwise, your boss might be left with the impression that the error was yours. You were not a tattletale.

Instead of “apology” I think of the word “explanation.” Preferably that explanation would be given before your boss talks with your colleague. It ‘s better that he hears what happened from you so he isn’t caught unaware when your boss talks with him about the mistake.

By the way, everyone should remember that it’s not a matter of “if” you’re going to make a mistake at work, it’s a matter of what you’re going to do about it “when” the mistake happens. Owning up to a mistake is the first step and that means accepting responsibility and apologizing. The second step is having a solution if possible. Don’t put the onus of fixing the mistake on someone else’s back, especially your boss’s back. And don’t wait for your boss to come see you; ask to speak with him right away. By taking the initiative, accepting responsibility, and offering a solution you have the best chance of recovering. “Mr. Smith, could I speak with you for a moment? I don’t know for sure, but you may already have seen the email I sent to Tom which included some unkind remarks about you. I am very sorry. I should never have written it, much less sent it. I realize now that if I have an issue, I need to come see you about it. Perhaps at the next staff meeting I could lead a discussion reminding everyone about what constitutes an appropriate email and what doesn’t. Again, I’m very sorry.”

Q: I enjoy your column and generally think you give sensible, practical advice, but your answer to the question of how to react to a rude stranger was irresponsibly inadequate. Of course there are minor indignities that we should all be prepared to ignore, whether we're victims or witnesses. But much of the recent conversation about bullying identifies the enablers who either encourage or won't disapprove of a bully and thus empower the bully and make the victim feel more isolated. When we witness something wrong, it is our duty as citizens and humans to try to help. That might mean finding a manager to let them know what's happening. It might mean sympathizing with the victim afterward. It might mean saying, "STOP IT," if the situation feels threatening. A well placed, "That was rude," to the offender registers your disapproval. It may not cause a stranger to see the light, but social censure is pretty powerful.

The problem with your answer is that it encourages an eyes-averted "not my problem" response that weakens the fabric of society. I think you should intervene any time you would want someone to help you if the situation were reversed. Please consider acknowledging that rudeness is a problem and that anyone not part of the solution is part of the problem.
D.B. Boston, MA

A. Rudeness, incivility, and bullying are clearly a problem. Bullying is the worst with tragic consequences as we’ve seen in story after story. I appreciate your point of view and agree with most of what you say. Because the column focused on rudeness, not bullying, I stand by my advice: don’t challenge a stranger who is being rude. It would be irresponsible of me to give blanket advice encouraging readers to point out a stranger’s rudeness since there is no way to predict the stranger’s reaction as so clearly pointed out in the L. A. Times story referenced in last week's column. The fact that someone is behaving rudely in the first place is a clue that he or she doesn’t particularly care about the feelings or opinions of others. If the situation is egregious enough to warrant intervention, get a person in authority involved. Offer comfort to the person who was on the receiving end of the rudeness. Be a good example yourself. These are not only appropriate, but they are also the things a considerate and respectful individual wants to do.

Q. I am a contractor working in an open area work space with 10 others. I have worked as a contractor for over a decade (I've also worked as a full-time employee), and I have been in my current assignment for 5 months. I do my job well and with a great attitude. Unfortunately, some of my work is supervised by a VP who is not a very nice person. He's younger than I, treats me disrespectfully, and plays fantasy football. He just doesn't like me. I told our boss that I was getting no feedback from this VP for the work I had done for him. He doesn't explain things appropriately and has intentionally tried to give me as little information as possible. Yesterday, this VP came into the work area after a meeting with our boss and told everyone that a certain someone needed more feedback. "How ridiculous...you need a friend? This isn't the place..." He made a mockery of me in the process. I was horrified. In this open work space, to be singled out by him and have my colleagues laughing about it, I felt deeply offended. Now I want to take action and challenge him. How do I do this without losing my contract?

A. These are some great examples of bad management behavior at the VP level, and perhaps his boss as well. If you are looking to take action and "challenge him", we can add you to the bad behavior bucket too. Keep your contract, and take action. I don't see this as challenging someone, but as advocating for yourself, and ensuring a professional work environment for yourself and others. Continue to do your job well, and with a great attitude.

You have enough work experience to have run into people who are not nice people, and those who just don't like you. It happens. It can make the environment difficult, annoying, and frustrating, but you should always remain professional. You have a bad boss. That happens too, and there are ways to deal with the situation professionally.

It is clear you do not like your manager. The fantasy football comment gave it away. Many employees are challenged by working with bad managers, managers they do not like, or with managers who exhibit a dislike for them. Options are limited. You can quit; you can act unprofessionally and risk being fired, or you can be extremely professional. Resolving these kinds of situations in a more positive manner typically rests with the employee rather than the manager.

You tried to raise your concerns with the more senior boss, and you should have been able to discuss this situation with him and to get support. You may have chosen to have this discussion too soon in the process, and by complaining rather than taking a more problem solving approach. In this kind of situation employees can be better served by looking for help solving the problem. Saying, "I am not getting enough direction or feedback from the VP. Do you have any suggestions for me to improve the situation?" This keeps the responsibility with you, the senior manager understands the problem, and you do not earn the complainer reputation. Most often a manager will ask you if you would like them to intervene, and early in the process you can decline. You many need support later - particular if the public embarrassment is repeated.

I'm sorry your colleagues didn't respond in a more supportive manner. Managers like this trade employee targets, and look for applause from the audience. As soon as people realize they will be the next target, they might not be as amused by his bad management activity. Colleagues can help put an end to this type of bullying by being dismissive of these types of comments.

Some people shouldn't be in management, and your VP may be too immature for this kind of role. If you want to keep your contract, deal with him professionally, and use his boss to build support, but not run interference.

At a seminar I was giving this week, a participant asked me: "I recently saw a person being rude to a sales clerk. I wanted to march up to him and tell him that what he was doing was wrong. When is it OK to say something to a stranger who is being rude?"

It seems so reasonable. A person is rude. So we say something to him. He sees the light and changes his ways. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. Criticizing a stranger for rude behavior may seem like the right thing to do, but in reality, you take a serious risk of being on the receiving end of a nasty reaction. The fact is you don't know how a stranger might react to being criticized. Instead of being appreciative, the stranger may respond verbally or physically.

This point was driven home by a story in the March 10, 2010 on-line edition of the Los Angeles Times. It's really hard to imagine how a person attending the movies or a show could think it is appropriate to use a cell phone during the performance. Audiences are repeatedly warned not to use a cell phone before the show starts. Yet, there were three people sitting together and talking on the cell phone during the movie. Apparently, a person sitting nearby complained to them about their cell phone use during the movie. The complaint seemed to work as the three people got up and left the theater. Problem solved.

Not so fast. A few minutes later two of the people returned to the theater and stabbed the complainer in the neck with a meat thermometer. The theater was dark so it was difficult to recognize or provide a description of the assailants. The headline told the story: "Moviegoer is stabbed after complaining about cell phone user." The story asked the public for help in identifying the assailants.

I don't think the complainer thought he would be attacked, but attacked he was. You simply never know how a stranger is going to respond to your unsolicited criticism no matter how accurate you might be. What alternative did he have? He could have talked to someone in charge—an usher or the manager—and asked them to deal with the cell phone users. Once the theater has established a rule, it is the management's job to enforce the rule. So let the people in charge be responsible for dealing with the rude behavior. It sounds like a cop-out to hand the problem over to a person in authority, but it's not. It's a matter of your own safety.

Q. I am a business owner, and I recently separated a manager from my company. I have followed all the right human resources practices and policies. We have had plenty of conversations about the issues which led to this conclusion, and all has been documented. The conversation worked as it should, and we are moving on. The problem is he has asked me for a reference, both on LinkedIn and more formally, in spite of being very aware of my issues with his performance. How should I respond?

A. A separation done well can often lead to a better match for the person leaving the organization. Separations are typically not easy, but providing plenty of communication about why the situation resulted in a separation and following appropriate human resources practices are essential to helping the person move forward in looking for a new job. The good news is that your former employee is trying to do that. The bad news is that he may be expecting too much from you in terms of making that happen.

LinkedIn is a great resource for job seekers, and the recommendations section serves a general purpose of generating credibility. But blanket reference statements are not a job seeker’s best bet to influence a hiring manager, particularly if an employee has been separated.

Providing references can be hazardous for organizations, and as a result many organizations have reference policies which provide only title and the confirmation of dates of employment for former employees. Some organizations allow managers to provide references if managers preface remarks by saying that they are not acting as representatives of the company. Very few industries still use written references with major exceptions being education, government and some non-profits.

Your former employee has put you in a difficult position by asking you to write something public on LinkedIn. First, employees should change the general question of “Will you be a reference for me?” to “Will you be able to provide me with a great reference?” Average references or those that are so general that they say very little, are not valued by hiring managers, and in fact may raise concerns about a candidate.

You certainly have the option to say “No, I will not be able to provide a reference”. You might also be able to say, “I am not comfortable providing a broad recommendation on LinkedIn, but if you would like me to speak to a certain employer checking your references about a specific job, I would be willing to do that. I would need you to call me in advance, and provide me with specific information about the job, so that you would be aware of what I would say. That way there are no surprises.” For someone in the job seeker position, evaluate what might be said by your reference, and decide if that person or another would be a better reference.

If you find that you can not provide this former employee with a reference which outlines some areas of strength, it is best to pass. Explain that you will not be able to provide the kinds of information which will support his job search, and you will not provide information which might hurt his efforts either.

Many restaurant portions these days are huge, sometimes enough for three moderate meals. Is it ever acceptable at a business meal to take home one’s leftover portion, especially if you are not the one paying? I was attending a dinner seminar at a table for twelve, and was very reluctant to let half of a fancy steak go to waste. But I felt it was not at all proper to ask the waiter to “wrap it up”. Marching out of the meeting with a bag in-hand would seem rather gauche, don’t you think?

C. P., Beverly, MA

I do think it would look rather gauche. Image is an important component in business. Sometimes it is very difficult to see yourself through another person’s eyes. From your perspective you see half a steak going to waste, so, you think to yourself, “Why shouldn’t I take it home?” But, from the other dinner participants’ perspective, you’re potentially projecting the image that the food is where your thoughts are, not your interaction with them. Remember, your goal is to be a participant who is valued for her contribution to the conversation and who inspires the host to invite you to the next event.

From an etiquette point of view, taking home the leftovers is gauche because the host is paying for your meal. After all, if this were a meal at her home, would you ask for a “to-go” bag? One possible exception would be if the host specifically invites you to take the rest of the steak home as she, too, hates to see such a good piece of meat go to waste. The downside is that it singles you out, rather than having the focus remain on the table conversation. That may be a little uncomfortable for you.

Your best bet is to avoid the situation altogether. Try ordering a petite filet instead of the 12- or 14-ounce large filet. Look for “small portion” items on the menu which many restaurants are starting to offer as an option. Or, consider ordering two appetizers as your meal, one to come with the other appetizers and one to come when main courses are served. Often they can be the most original, best tasting dishes on the menu and the amount of food is much more reasonable. If you’re offered a pre-set menu—“Would you like the steak or the fish?”—ask your waiter about portion size and request a smaller one.

Here are three additional tips for ordering from a menu at a business lunch or dinner:

• Look for medium priced items.
• Order something that’s easy to eat—avoid foods that are messy or complicated to eat: spaghetti, mussels, artichokes, lobster or ribs (unless you’re at a lobster or rib restaurant).
• Order familiar dishes. There’s nothing worse than ordering something and then when you see it, knowing you can’t possibly eat even one bite.

Q. I work in the technology field. Our company president informed staff nationwide we would now be using our personal cell phones and not be provided company phones anymore. My understanding of the law was if your company required you to have and use a phone they had to provide it and pay for it. My California colleague agrees. Are we correct or misinformed?

A. Technology seems to go forward faster than company practices and policy, or some laws can get ahead of. I can venture guesses on why your firm has decided to go this route. How many people complained about having to check two numbers and two phones? How many people asked if they could have an iPhone or a Blackberry, or a Droid – whatever phone it was that was NOT the one chosen by the company? How many people were using their company phone as their personal phone? Did they reimburse the company for the minutes they may have used personally? Perhaps none of these were issues, but these are the concerns I hear from both employees and employers as they deal with business equipment and expenses.

I consulted Barry Miller, an employment attorney at Seyfarth Shaw, who specializes in providing advice to employers and defending employment-related claims. Attorney Miller explains, “The reimbursement of business expenses incurred by employees varies from state-to-state. A small number of states have adopted laws requiring that businesses compensate employees for, in California’s case, ‘all necessary expenditures or losses incurred by the employee in direct consequence of the discharge of his or her duties, or of his or her obedience to the directions of the employer . . .’”

Miller continues, "Most states do not have such sweeping requirements and either have no laws requiring reimbursement of business expenses or have only very limited legislation. Massachusetts has no law requiring that employers reimburse employees for business expenses. However, regulations implementing the Massachusetts minimum wage law provide two specific circumstances in which employers must compensate employees for costs incurred relating to their jobs. First, an employer must reimburse an employee for ‘all transportation expenses’ when the employer requires the employee to travel during the work day. Second, an employer that requires employees to wear uniforms that require dry-cleaning, commercial laundering, or other special treatment must reimburse employees for the actual costs of those cleaning services, if those out-of-pocket costs have the effect of reducing the employee’s compensation below the minimum hourly rate of $8.00/hour.”

Surprisingly, aside from these two requirements, Massachusetts law leaves the reimbursement of business expenses to be governed by policies adopted by employers or to negotiations between employers and their employees. Most companies have expense policies and practices built from years of experience, and issues raised and resolved by employers and employees. Business expenses can range from travel, mileage, home internet access, home phones, or second phone lines, to who pays for cakes to celebrate staff birthdays.

The mutuality of business related activities and the costs incurred by an employee are most often at the heart of conversations about who pays for what. Employees are most concerned about new expenses for them, and employers are often concerned about picking up new expenses which do not relate to the business, or which an employee would already be paying for. Years ago, many employers paid for internet access for people working from home because it was not a “given” that a professional would have that available. Times changed, and many employers stopped paying for internet access as it became as expected as having a phone. Some firms choose to split these expenses recognizing that the employer and employee both benefit.

Discussions prior to incurring what you believe to be a company reimbursable expense should be had. No one wants to be surprised with a big bill, thinking some one else will be paying it. The same kinds of conversations should be had about what a company norm is. Is taking a client to lunch a $25 activity, or a $95 expense? Finding out what is within the realm of acceptable will prevent employee employer issues.

You may want to ask why the company decided to implement this new policy. It may actually work out in your favor. As new tools become available to use in our work, we will have to figure out who pays for what.

It’s a special pleasure to write this column as it marks the sixth anniversary of Etiquette at Work in the Boston Globe.

The final issue pertaining to dining etiquette in the question submitted by C. P.’s Business Management class involves cell phones. Nothing can make a dining experience go south faster than a ringing cell phone as illustrated in the following scenario:

“Recently, I took a client to lunch at a really nice restaurant which I know has a ‘no cell phones’ policy. After we sat down to eat, his phone rang, and he answered it and proceeded to have a conversation. The maitre d’ came over and asked him to turn it off, and my client got a little testy. The whole situation ended up being a fiasco. What should I have done?”

Once you’re at the table and Tom answers his phone, you, his host, have a split-second decision to make: If you’re sure enough of yourself, you can get his attention and say quietly, “Tom, there really is a no cell phones policy. Please step outside to take your call. Thanks.” If you are uncomfortable saying something directly to Tom because, as a client, you don’t want to risk offending him, then say nothing and hope nobody complains or the maitre d’ ignores the offense. Or, you could excuse yourself from the table. You might dodge the testy exchange, but your client probably won’t be in the best mood if the maitre d' has visited the table during your absence. None of these solutions is ideal, as, basically, you’re dealing with damage control.

You do have a better alternative than simply hoping your guest doesn’t use his phone. As you enter the restaurant, take your phone out of your pocket and point out the no cell phones policy to your guest by saying, “Tom, I’m going to turn off my phone now. There’s a no cell phone policy here, and they’re sticklers for enforcing it.” Hopefully, Tom gets the hint and turns his phone off, too. But even if he doesn’t, you’ve given him fair warning about the consequences.

There are two pieces of advice pertaining to dining etiquette to be gleaned from this scenario. As a host, it’s your responsibility to take care of your guest. That includes informing him ahead of time of policies that could affect him, such as dress codes or cell phone use. And while I’m normally not a fan of blanket etiquette rules, silencing your cell phone in a restaurant is an exception. Put it on vibrate, and if you simply must take a call, step outside or into the lobby. But at the table, let your focus be on the person you are with. Voice mail is free and it works. This is a great time to use it.

Last week’s question about table manners also asked the more general question: “What is the proper etiquette for business meals at restaurants?” “Proper etiquette” has purpose. It’s not simply rules for rules’ sake. In a nutshell, the purpose of dining etiquette is to make the act of eating as pleasant as possible.

Eating is really a gross activity. You have food on a plate. You cut it and/or try to balance it on a fork. Then you raise it to your mouth without letting it fall back onto the plate, the table, or you. Once you get the food in your mouth, you chew it up into a soft pulp which you then swallow. You do this thirty or forty times during a meal at the same time that you are trying to carry on a conversation with the other people at the table. Table manners limit the grossness of the act of eating and promote the social aspect of dining.

The most basic table manners—chew with your mouth closed, don’t talk with your mouth full—spare your tablemates the unpleasant sight of the first stage of digestion. Using utensils correctly ensures that food stays on the plate and is delivered to the mouth neatly, efficiently, and unobtrusively. If you have any doubt about your mastery of these basics, eat an entire meal in front of a mirror. What you see is what your dinner companions see. If you’re really not sure what to do, you can always wait and watch what other people are doing and then follow their lead.

As a guest at a business meal, you should be a pleasant dining companion and contribute intelligently to any business discussed, but your goal is to be invited back the next time. Your skill and confidence—or lack thereof—will be noticed. Take part in the general conversation while not dominating it. When there is no general conversation, make the effort to talk with the people seated next to and near you. Leave the impression in your host’s mind that you added materially to the meeting and that your dining manners are an asset, and you’ll make the best case for being included at the next event.

Finally, there are five key manners to be aware of at any business lunch or dinner:

• Don’t be late, not even 5 minutes late, and wait for your host to arrive before going to the table.
• Begin eating only after your host has asked you to or after the host starts eating.
• Don’t drink at all, or limit yourself to one alcoholic beverage throughout the event.
• It’s the host’s prerogative to initiate any business-related conversation.
• Thank your host twice: once at the end of the meal and then send a thank you note the next day.

Q. I am a contract employee in an office. A regular (non-contract) employee, who is not my supervisor, is almost constantly talking about her mother. She has asked me to help her do her work, criticized my e-mail style and tells me there are some people in the organization I should not email. (Is the latter directive because I am JUST a contractor?) Reportedly, she is now applying to be my supervisor. I do not feel comfortable with the situation but am afraid to leave due to my age and a less than stellar job history. Please advise what I should do.

A. In some offices there is a distinction between contract employees and “regular” employees. Contract or temporary employees are seen as having less seniority, and some staff feel entitled to provide contractors with more feedback, and/or direction than they would to a non-contractor colleague. While this isn’t the case in all offices, it does happen in many places, and is one of the down sides of contracting.

People who are successful contractors are prepared for all kinds of welcomes to a new work place. Some are great, kind, and thrilled to have the support of a new employee. Others are thrilled to have a new low man on the totem pole to pass on as many awful assignments as they can before they are stopped. Your goal is to be able to deal with both welcomes, do your work well enough to make your supervisor happy, and ride out the waves, not make them, in the office.

To successfully work in any office requires lots of patience. There are all types of people talking about a full range of topics. You are walking into relationships in progress, a culture others have experience with, and an array of danger zones. The woman who talks about her mother may be dealing with issues that others can relate to. The conversation may not be directed at you, but to others in the office. It may be annoying, but it doesn’t sound harmful, so I would just listen, offer a supportive look and nod, and keep working.

Let’s try and take a positive outlook, (a choice for us in how we see people– not easy, but it is a choice!) We might think this woman has sincerely offered you some help in getting acclimated to the organization. Perhaps other contractors have been given heat for emailing all levels of the organization when there had been a reporting structure in place for them to use. Was she trying to give you a heads up? Do her comments make your emails better? If they do, appreciate that fact. Figure out what you can learn from her. As long as your work is done, and whoever you report to does know you are assisting her with her work, do so. Team work is a huge component in positive relationships in offices, and contractors develop strong bonds learning how this works early on.

Your colleague may be applying for the role of supervisor and she is trying out her supervisory skills on you. You say you are uncomfortable, and it may be with fear of losing this position based on your relationship with someone who may become your supervisor. This may be the right opportunity to develop the work experience you have into something stellar, to develop the skills you need to stay long term, and to develop many positive relationships with colleagues and supervisors.

Q: I have always been encouraged to vote by past employers. I recently accepted a new job in early September. I left work about 45 minutes early to vote in the September primaries in my hometown polling location. Since I moved over the summer, it was the first time I voted at this location so I was unsure of exactly how to get there. When I arrived at work the next day, I was “spoken” to about leaving early the day before. Shouldn’t citizens be allowed a little slack to vote? Is there any law that covers this? I have never had this problem in the past. My manager is not very aware of US laws.

A: Wow. I am sorry that this happened to you. All voters should be permitted to vote in both primaries and regular elections.

If you just accepted your new role and began work in September, you are probably still learning about the company culture, expectations and even your manager’s work style. You don’t provide this information but I am hoping that you notified your manager before you left early and didn’t simple “close up shop” and leave for the day.

In fact, you are correct in your assumption that employees should be permitted to take time off from work to vote. Under Massachusetts law, an employer must give an employee up to two hours off to vote in an election – either a primary or general election. The employer does not have to pay the employee for any time taken off for the purpose of voting.

Although not explicitly required within the Massachusetts law, I think one way of demonstrating a high level of professionalism would be to make this request in advance of the primary date. Perhaps in an email or person-to-person exchange may have been the best way to request this time off from your manager. One approach: “Tom, I want to vote on Tuesday. Would you prefer that I vote in the morning and arrive a few minutes past 9am, or would you prefer that I leave a bit early to vote on my way home?”

Most managers would understand the need to allow some extra time for traveling to a new polling location or a perhaps a particularly long commute to a polling location. Supervisors and managers still have to oversee the operational functioning of their departments and/or areas of responsibility on election days. Your manager may have had to balance several requests of this nature. However, the law is clear -- all voters should be allowed time off to vote.

Q. I am an instructor, and I often use your column in my Office Administration course for Business Management undergraduates. My class benefits greatly from the advice you give and has decided to submit two questions as a group. (Readers: This is the second question from C. P.’s class.)

What is the proper etiquette for business meals at restaurants? For example, should you drink alcohol, should you offer to pay if you are with your supervisor, and how important are table manners when out with a supervisor/co-worker as opposed to family or friends?

C. P., Warwick, RI

A. Table manners matter. A lot. For some strange reason people take the measure of each other more by their table manners than by almost any other social skill. In business they can prove to be the differentiator between you and your competition. They also imply a lot about your confidence. If you know what to do when at the table, then your focus is on the person you are with and on building your relationship. If you don’t know what to do, then you fret about how to act and can appear unconfident or uninvolved. People like to do business with people who are focused and confident.

Drinking alcohol is a two-edged sword. On the one hand people ask, “Isn’t it important to be social and ‘keep up with the guys’?” Perhaps in the Mad Men era, but not today. There are a number of good reasons why a person might not drink in any situation: religious, medical, or personal. No one should feel the necessity to drink alcohol, and no one should coerce another person into drinking. On the other hand, drinking too much can quickly become a serious problem. Safety, of course, is of paramount importance. Beyond that, the fact is that alcohol affects judgment before the drinker even realizes it. Certainly, in business, you never want to put yourself into a position where you’ll have to apologize for your actions the next day. The only way to be sure alcohol won’t put you in that position is not to drink at all or to follow the “one drink rule”—nurse one drink through the evening, or, after one drink, switch to non-alcoholic beverages. Being on top of your game is more important than having one or two drinks.

As to who pays for the meal, whoever does the inviting does the paying. If your supervisor invites you out, then she is expecting to pick up the bill. If you are asked out but would like to do the paying, then offer to pay at the time of the ask, not when the check arrives at the table.

By the way, table manners are just as important when out with family or friends as when out with a supervisor, colleague, client, prospect or supplier. They all deserve your best.

I am an instructor, and I often use your column in my Office Administration course for Business Management undergraduates. My class benefits greatly from the advice you give and has decided to submit two questions as a group. (Readers: I’ll answer one question this week and one question next week.)

How do you handle a complete lack of manners in the workplace? For example, co-workers eating your food without permission, food that has gone bad in a common kitchen area, and co-workers who feel so at home that bodily functions during meal time are freely shared.
C. P., Warwick, RI

Your question covers ethics, taking responsibility for yourself, showing respect for others, and plain old-fashioned, everyday manners—and you haven’t even left the kitchen. Theft of food is no different than theft of money or anything else and should not be tolerated in the workplace. If you know who the thief is, you can try talking to him, preferably right while he is eating your food. “John, that’s my sandwich you’re eating. Did you realize that?” Let him know if it happens again you’ll report him to your boss. If you don’t know who the thief is, ask your boss to bring up the issue at the next staff meeting. If the boss is unwilling to intercede, you may have to avoid the problem altogether by using an insulated lunch box and keeping your food at your desk where it can’t be stolen.

Not taking the time to clean up your kitchen mess or leaving food to go bad in the refrigerator or cupboards is irresponsible and disrespectful to fellow employees. As a communal area, the kitchen should be left tidy and clean for the next person. Posting some common sense kitchen rules is important. Where there’s a rule, there should also be an enforceable sanction for breaking it. Get together with a couple of like-minded colleagues and propose a set of rules and consequences for your kitchen such as: names and dates on all containers; no food more than three days old in the fridge; clean and put away your dishes immediately—no dishes left to soak in the sink; wipe down the counter or your table after use. As for consequences, those who break the rules lose the privilege of using the kitchen for a period of time.

A discreet burp—followed by an “excuse me”—gets a pass, but a loud belch or other bodily noise requires a trip to the restroom. If someone near you repeatedly shares freely, ask to have a word in private. If the situation doesn’t improve, the next time he lets go, turn to him and say, “Larry, I’m sorry but that’s just unnecessary. Do you really have to do that and ruin lunch for the rest of us?”

Q. Our employees are paid for a 1/2 hour lunch break, but they actually take 1 hour. Once a month, we have a staff meeting during lunch, and we provide a full lunch for all the staff. I have one employee who then takes an hour to leave the premise, claiming she is entitled to that hour additional time as it is her lunch hour. Is she entitled to take this time?

A. Since Labor Day first created the 8 hour work day, discussions between employees and employers about the breaks that occur between the start and end of the day continue. Managers and employees, each from their own vantage point, can find the answer to support their view. Many employees are happy to get a nice lunch, or any meal, provided in the work place. Other employees are not impressed, and feel that these kinds of meetings are a method for employers to encroach on employees “break” time.

I consulted David Conforto, Founder of Conforto Law Group, P.C.; a Boston-based boutique firm concentrating in all aspects of employment law and dedicated to the representation of employees. Conforto says “the short answer is that an employer can require an employee to remain on the premises during a meal break, but must provide compensation if it places such a restriction.” Massachusetts employees who work more than six hours a day must be provided with a minimum of thirty minutes unpaid time for a meal.

Employers who violate this provision are subject to fines ranging from $300 to $600 per violation. Attorney Conforto goes on to explain “The Attorney General’s Fair Labor and Business Practices Division issued an Advisory Opinion that elaborated on the meal break provision. The Advisory Opinion took the position that an employee is entitled to a paid meal break where, as in this particular circumstance, the employer restricts movement.”

Based on the significant amount of litigation related to this topic, employers should be mindful of their obligation under the Massachusetts Wage Act to pay employees for all time worked. Therefore, because the mandatory lunch meeting would likely be considered work for which an employee should be compensated, the entire meal period should be paid, even if it lasts more than 30 minutes.

While the employee is not entitled to take that additional hour, a manager might want to look into what that time might be needed for. Though the pay situation isn’t affected, there may be alternative methods to support the employee if there is a compelling need. I have known employees who check on an elderly relative, or let the dogs out during that break. There will be a huge range of reasons, and if a manager and employee are willing to have a candid conversation, arrangements which both parties can agree to, without costing the organization more money, can often be created.

Q: What is a good way to help interns in your office learn to be more professional? There are two interns sitting near me this summer, and while I am not supervising them, I interact with them during most of the day. The problem is, they are completely unprofessional and I'm worried that it will reflect poorly on me because of our proximity because we all sit right outside of my boss' offices. They talk very loudly for a large portion of the day about topics unrelated to work. They also generally have a pretty bad work ethic. I have spoken to them and so has their manager, and they responded for a while, but it hasn't lasted. I think they just have no experience working in an office, and I know that this is their chance to get experience, but how can I help point them in the right direction and save my sanity?

A: Interns, students and others early in the career are often left to their own devices when trying to understand the organizational culture and expectations of the workplace. And company cultures differ. Flips flops may be completely acceptable in a technology start-up company in Cambridge. Yet, if you wore flip flops to the office for a large Boston law firm, you might be sent home to change your shoes!

It is helpful for many "newbies" to receive some guidelines or ground rules early on. Often this occurs during an orientation or onboarding program. Many of my clients have spent considerable time trying to establish ground rules up front and early (rather than later) in the hiring process. If expectations are clear in the beginning, it is much easier on all involved. Some ground rules to consider:

- Dress - specifying what is acceptable and what is not. This can be an enormous challenge especially in the summer months.
- Work schedules - including what are reasonable start and end times. Are there rules around break times, lunch times, overtime and expectations around flexibility?
- Use of office equipment including PCs and telephones - how, when and for what purpose? Can employees check social media sites during the day (or not).
- Are there guidelines for using personal cell phones or texting/instant messaging?
- There may be other norms within the office like who makes coffee, where it is acceptable to eat lunch, where to print documents, locations for smoking, etc.

Many interns need to be told directly that when they have completed their assigned work that they then need to raise their hands and ask, "What else can I do?" This is definitely the preferred behavior (rather than chat incessantly about topics unrelated to work). Again, it should be established as a ground rule early rather than letting poor work habits continue. Then these poor work habits become more difficult to control.

When I have conducted orientation programs, especially for those early in their careers, I always try to impress upon my audience a very important fact – first impressions count. There is no second chance to make a first impression. You and I know this face. And sometimes interns and those early in their career may need to make a few mistakes to understand that this is a truism.

Internships are often a testing ground. Employers will assess a group of interns over a summer or even a semester. If an employer is hiring, an employer will then decide who will receive a job offer (and who will not!). Work ethic and good work habits count!

Q. I work in a small office with a team of seven people. It's a relaxed atmosphere: no time clocks to punch, and self-reporting our vacation, personal, or sick time. Our boss treats us as professionals. She also is very understanding when someone needs to take time off for family or medical needs. Unfortunately, one particular co-worker does nothing but abuse these privileges. She has called in sick on average about 2-3 days per month. She arrives late on a daily basis. She takes long lunches (today it was 1 hour 45 minutes). She spends work hours on Facebook or other websites, on the phone chatting with friends, or doing other personal tasks all on the company dime. For years this has been the case, and we know that our boss is aware of her misconduct. Office morale hits a low point when the subject of this co-worker’s conduct comes up. We have contemplated chatting with the boss. But here's the issue, if the boss knows about her misconduct and hasn't corrected it in all these years, how can she possibly address the issue and not appear to be a poor manager to her own boss?
Anonymous

A. Procrastination causes more problems than it solves, and that’s definitely the case in your office. Most assuredly, the boss’s unwillingness to deal with the situation is problematic, but it’s still better to deal with it now, late as it is, than not to deal with it at all. The resulting morale problems and stress the situation is causing ultimately will affect productivity throughout your office. Unless something changes, there’s no reason to expect your boss to suddenly deal with the situation.
You can certainly try encouraging your boss to talk with the employee. As you and your co-workers have been at this office for a period of time, I recommend that two people who have developed a positive rapport with your boss meet with her. Focus on the effect that person’s behavior is having on office morale. Be prepared to back up all your statements with facts. “Maria, thank you for seeing us. We want to get your thoughts on a problem that we think is affecting office morale. While just Joyce and I are meeting with you, several others in the office share these concerns. As employees we appreciate that we are trusted to take responsibility for managing our work hours, personal time, and sick days. We’re not trying to make trouble for one person, but it appears that Marge is taking advantage of the trust given us. Her late arrivals, long lunches, and frequent sick days are having a negative effect on the team. Are you aware of it?” It’s important to ask that question to get her to reply specifically “yes” or “no”. From your conversation you’ll be able to gauge whether or not your boss will be galvanized to discuss the problem with Marge.
Good luck.

Q: A friend of mine was placed at our firm through an employment agency. She is now looking for a new job and contacted the same agency to see if they can help her. This agency let our office manager know that she is looking for a new job. I find this to be completely inappropriate and somehow illegal. Is there anything that can be done?

A: The intricacies of working with an employment agency can be complicated. First, let's look at how an employment agency is paid. Pay or income can often drive behavior! An employment agency usually works for the company or the employer. Often times, the agency has a written agreement with an employer that details the working relationship. Usually, the employment agency is NOT working for the candidate, or your friend. Your employer most likely paid a fee to hire your friend.

Now, let's discuss your specific questions. Your friend was placed at your company by an employment agency. Your employer likely paid a significant fee to the agency after your employer hired her. The employment agency probably has a written agreement with your employer. Sometimes that written agreement specifies a period of time where their placements are guaranteed. That means if the employee leaves within a certain time period (30, 60, 90 or 180 days), the agency may need to either replace the new hire (sometimes for free) or refund the fee (a full or partial refund).

The agency wants to retain the business of your employer, first and foremost. They are hoping to place other employees there and make more money. Their allegiance is likely to the employer, not your friend.

A detail that you didn't mention but would have been helpful to know: did the agency tell your friend that they would need to inform your employer before agreeing to work with your friend again? Ethically, this is probably the best approach. Then your friend can decide whether she wants to work with that agency again (and also understand that her current employer would know about her search for a new job) or choose to pursue other avenues to find a new job.

From what you have shared, what the agency has done is probably not illegal but unethical, maybe. If the agency advised your friend that they would have to inform your employer of her job search and she had taken steps to re-engage the agency to help her with her search, then, I am less likely to view them as unethical. After all, your employer is their client. However, if the agency called your employer without first discussing this with your friend, then I would be more concerned about the ethics of this agency.

One other factor is the length of service of your friend. If your friend has been employed with your company for several years, then the agency could probably work with your friend without compromising their current relationship with your employer. Agencies can not guarantee that a candidate will remain employed with a client indefinitely.

Q. I am hosting a happy hour at my new apartment for a handful of co-workers immediately following work on a Friday. No dinner, just drinks and appetizers, and just a little get together to show off my new place and chat outside of the work environment. My questions is: Do I need to make it a point to invite spouses to this event?

M. E., Minneapolis, MN

A. If you want spouses (and please, don’t forget significant others) to attend, then yes, you should make a point of letting the invitees know. You don’t have to invite spouses and significant others, but I think you’ll have a more vibrant, fun party if you do. Should you choose not to invite them, then, again, be sure you communicate this. There’s nothing worse for you, for the invitee, or for the invitee’s spouse than to be the only spouse or significant other to show up at the party.

Your question implies the possibility that only some of your co-workers are being invited. If that’s the case, be sure to keep your work life separate from your personal life. Issue invitations outside of work hours and by contacting invitees at home. Don’t do the inviting at the office where those not invited may notice and feel left out. For the same reason, don’t talk the party up at the office.

Here are six additional tips that can help make your evening a success:

1. Do your cleaning and party set up the night before so that your new place is party-ready when you leave home the morning of the event.

2. Plan well. Prepare as much of your food and beverages as early as you can. You don’t want to be in the kitchen fixing munchies when your guests arrive or during the party.

3. Remain calm and upbeat: your mood sets the tone.

4. Make your guests feel welcome. Greet them at the door and offer drinks, including non-alcoholic options. If possible, ask one of the guests to help you refresh people’s drinks as needed. Introduce spouses and significant others. And keep an eye out for anyone who doesn’t seem to be included and make an effort to have them join in conversation and be part of the party.

5. Be appreciative. Thank your guests for attending as they prepare to leave.

6. Be watchful for any guests who might have had too much to drink. Be prepared to make sure they don’t drive, and that they get home safely even if that means you have to take them home.

One question I have heard repeatedly is:

“I was on a conference call with a client team and my team. During a break we couldn’t help but hear the client team talk about one of our team members in a derogatory way. What should we have done?”

Put a stop to the problem as quickly as possible. The leader of your team immediately should say, “Tom, I don’t think you are aware of it, but unfortunately, we can still hear everything your group is saying.” Yes, it’s embarrassing and even difficult to do. But the alternative—letting the other group continue with their trash talking—is much worse. There will be apologies, and it is best to simply acknowledge the apologies and move on.

This is a situation that comes up repeatedly in discussions with businesses about conference call problems. It’s embarrassing for the people listening to the derogatory comments, and, as soon as they find out about it, it is really embarrassing for the people making the comments. When on a conference call, assume that the mute button is not working and that the other parties can hear everything you have to say. It may even be valuable for you to caution your team before starting the call that everything being said can be heard.

Other tips for a successful conference call include:
• Be aware of time zone differences. One time I was going to be on a conference call with people in Singapore. They called me Monday evening. I wasn’t ready for the call because I thought it was scheduled for Tuesday evening. It was Tuesday in Singapore, but it was still Monday in Vermont.
• Know who the participants will be. It is hard enough identifying people just by their voices when they introduce themselves. Having a list of participants helps you remember who is on the call.
• Try to be in same room with teammates. Have your team gather in a conference room rather than each person being on a separate phone in their own office or cubicle.
• Set your “Do Not Disturb” button so your phone doesn’t ring in the middle of the call.
• When the call starts, check that everyone can hear each other.
• Have each person introduce him/herself at each location.
• Identify yourself before speaking: “This is Jim in the Waltham office.”
• Announce five or ten minutes before the end time that the call will end soon.
• Prepare and distribute minutes of the call detailing important discussions or decisions and identifying any “to-dos” that have been assigned and when they are due.

Q. Should you send an e-mail announcement when you have divorced and are taking back your maiden name?

D. S., Kalamazoo, MI

A. Unquestionably, you should let people know you’ve changed your name. “I’m contacting you to let you know that as of now my name is Dawn Sterling. My new e-mail address is dawn.sterling@abcde.org. Please make this change in your contact file. Thank you.” There is no need to explain why.

Informing people of your name change is important for several reasons. People should know both how to refer to you and how to introduce you at work. Knowing your correct name avoids confusion and embarrassment both for you and for them.

Any legal papers or contracts associated with your job or business should have your legal name on them.

All of your identification should match. This is especially important for airline travel. Your name on your ticket must match the name on your license or passport. A vendor making a reservation for you could easily use the wrong name if you hadn’t informed him of the change.

It’s important to note that it’s not necessary to change your name after a divorce. In fact, you may not want to change it if you established your professional reputation using your married name. I know several women who have kept their married name after being divorced for just this reason. If you have a professional reputation as Mary Smith and you do want to change your name, then it is highly important to let people know. You can send an e-mail or a printed announcement, listing your name and any updated contact information.

Q. I noted your column on interview etiquette in today's (8/01) Boston
Globe. May I add another tip (actually a must) for your next column on the
subject? When you interview for a job, you are interviewing everybody, repeat
everybody at the site—the janitor, the receptionist, everybody.
Years ago a young woman had a very successful interview with me, and I was
ready to hire her. After she saw me, she also talked with a few other
people in the office and made some highly inappropriate comments. Net
result, not hired!

I recall hearing that at some big Wall St. firm, the CEO used to dress as
a cleaner and "accidentally" spill some water near the prospective
interviewee (for a top job). That person’s reaction was crucial to the
hiring decision. While this is extreme it does illustrate my point.

D. M., Waltham, MA

A. While D. M.’s comment is most appropriate for a job interview, it is equally important every day on the job. How you treat people and how you interact with them day in, day out matters. You may be being considered for a promotion. You want to be sure that if your manager queries co-workers or support staff about you, that they offer positive responses.

Q. I recently attend a legislative reception consisting of cocktails, light hors d’oeuvres and networking. What is the proper etiquette for keeping your suit jacket buttoned? Many of the men had unbuttoned their jackets while talking, but I thought that one would keep it buttoned until they sat down. What would be the correct procedure?

S. F., Richmond, VA

A. Etiquette is an ever-evolving set of guidelines that help us know what to do and what to expect others to do so our interactions can be as successful and positive as possible. One way etiquette has clearly been changing is in the softening of a variety of rigid “rules”. One such rigid rule was the notion that men should always button their jackets unless they are sitting down. To button or not to button is no longer a mandate. More important is your own comfort level because if you are comfortable, you will exude an air of confidence which is a good thing both in business social and purely social situations. You might want to button because it will create a more formal look . At an interview or when making a major presentation, the buttoned look helps create an image of polished professionalism. You might choose a more casual unbuttoned look at a social or business social event such as the one mentioned in the question. The sense of comfort and approachability that the unbuttoned look gives can make joining a group and engaging in small talk easier and more pleasant.

If you are going to button, whether you are wearing a three button or a two-button jacket, don’t button the bottom button. With a three-button jacket you can button both the top and middle buttons, or just the middle button. Some image experts will tell you buttoning only the middle of the three buttons is a more casual look. If you have a double breasted jacket keeping it buttoned when standing looks better.

In today’s world the important issues relating to wearing a suit or jacket are:

1. When you have a choice, wear one. So often I go to events and am astonished to see men wearing a sweater or just a shirt or even jeans and a t-shirt, no jacket much less a tie. If it’s even a question of to wear or not to wear, then wear a jacket and tie. You can always take it off. But if you don’t have a jacket and tie and it turns out the occasion is more formal, then you’re out of luck.
2. A good fit. Regardless of how complimentary the sales person is, take your new purchase to a tailor and have it altered to fit your body. It’s well worth the extra investment. You’ll look sharp and confident.

Q: I am a senior manager supervising a group of IT engineers. My company is small with some, but very limited, plans for growth. The growth is projected in 2012. I worry about retaining these employees. They are all smart, eager and are looking for advancement. There are very few rungs above their current positions. We are doing ok financially but don't have tons of money to spend. Any suggestions? I have never seen a question like this answered so I hope I get picked to receive an answer.

A: Attracting, retaining and even more importantly, engaging, information technology (IT) professionals has been a challenge for the last 20 years, especially in IT-rich hubs like the Boston area. Here are some tips on how to best engage your best employees:

- Compensation. Pay is important but it is not the only factor. For employees to be engaged, their pay must be fair and reasonable. Without a fair and competitive, compensation system, engaging employees is even more challenging.

- Career Development. Employers often struggle with the concept of career development, especially in entrepreneurial companies. Many companies offer a range of training opportunities to their employees to keep them learning and keep their skills fresh. Tuition reimbursement, internal training programs and attendance at conferences and seminars are what we most often see being offered. We have a few clients who are offering "Training Accounts" to employees. Employee are able to access these accounts and use the funds for training of their choice (subject to a supervisor's approval).

- Career paths. It is difficult to offer a career path with as many steps as large corporations. A few of our clients are developing 4-5 levels that offer their employees some upward mobility. More of our clients are also rewarding those employees who move laterally – especially if they are adding value to a project or are learning a new skill. For those who have “maxed out,” additional training opportunities can be offered as well as compensating that senior-level individual to serve as a mentor to others.

- Work/life benefits. Particularly in technology companies, we are seeing clients use work/life benefits more fully as a way to compensate IT professionals. Some of our clients permit telecommuting on a specific day of the week for some roles. Some offers flexible work hours as long as “core” work hours are covered. Most of clients have moved to a business casual dress environment at least one day per week if not more.

Don Schiavone, Chief Operating Officer of Grasshopper Group in Needham, MA shares his experiences:

One of the things we have been successful at doing here is creating an environment that fosters leaders, not managers. What I mean by this is that we will often present our IT team with a business issue and challenge them with solving it. Our leadership team won’t tell them what to do or how to do it, but rather provides them with whatever resources they need to be successful. With this approach, you do not need to provide more and more ‘rungs’ in the corporate ladder to climb, which just do not exist in a small company. Instead, you create a culture of autonomous leadership that can pull your company into new directions using the innovative capabilities they will invariably develop.

Grasshopper Group is relying on much of the research that many of us know but sometimes ignore in our daily work lives. The joy of completing the task is what motivates many of us. It is the ultimate reward to face a complex business challenge, work creatively and passionately, and find a viable solution. Many of us humans are intrinsically motivated by other things than just money, a title or some other type of extrinsic reward.

Q. Within the past year, I made the transition from an academic to a corporate appointment. I recently sent an email request to procure either products, which would be shared in academia, or information/contacts on how to acquire the products. I received an email response from the initial recipient that was also forwarded to others, with the stated intention that they would be more appropriate to address my requests. I have responded with gratitude to the initial recipient. Would good business (email) etiquette dictate that I now contact these secondary recipients and restate my intent, or should I allow them to read the initial forwarded email and respond if they are willing and able to assist? I do not want to be pushy, but I would like to be as proactive as is politely acceptable. Thank you in advance for your assistance, and I look forward to your advice.KC, Philadelphia, PA

A. The short answer is, yes, go ahead and contact the secondary recipients: “Dear [Secondary Recipient], Recently, [Initial Recipient] kindly forwarded you an email I sent him, and I really appreciate his effort on my behalf. He has let me know that he believes you would be in a good position to address my requests, and I wanted to follow up directly with you. Briefly, I am interested in…”

What is so pleasing about this question is that it’s not a negative problem but rather an example of good etiquette. Everything has been done in a positive manner with the goal of helping you move forward. The initial recipient simply could have ignored your request, or written back only to you saying that he was not in a position to help. Instead, he did the considerate thing and made the extra effort of forwarding your request to people he believes are best positioned to help you. That kind of proactive effort is at the heart of both good etiquette and good business because it fosters the growth of relationships. Not only is he helping you, he is helping his contacts build a new relationship with you. Because he recommended them, he enhances himself in their eyes In addition, he has strengthened his relationship with you. Who knows how you might be able to help him in the future? At its most fundamental, etiquette is about building relationships by thinking not only of yourself but also of others, and making choices that aren’t just good for you but are good for everyone involved. By making a small effort on your behalf, the initial recipient has demonstrated how consideration is a hallmark of etiquette and how it helps us be successful in business.

Q: My college-aged daughter spends an awful lot of time texting and Facebooking (if that is such a word). I have seen some of my younger colleagues at work spending time on these activities when they are supposed to be working. I am worried about my daughter’s success in the workplace if she spends all of her time on these sites and texting messages to friends. I have a personal Facebook page but I would never consider opening it up during the work day. I see some of her friend’s pages and I am horrified. Do employers look at these pages and sites? Can you offer some guidelines on what is appropriate in the workplace (and what is not)?

A: This is an area of growing concern among employers. I have some clients that have blocked these sites altogether. Other clients monitor their employees’ access to such sites. While others allow it but trust that employees are only accessing such sites during breaks. Employees should not assume that communications using an employer’s computer or email system is confidential. Much, if not all, of this information can be tracked.

Some employers are now implementing social media policies in their employee handbooks. In these policies specific guidelines are defined for employees regarding the employer’s expectations around social media usage and access.

Although it seems like I am stating the obvious, employers are paying employees to work while at work. All of us who work will need to occasionally make a personal call about a car repair, a changed venue for dinner or to learn about results from a lab test. During work time, these calls and texts should be brief, to the point and limited. Unless it is part of an employee’s job, accessing social media sites should be limited or non-existent much like making personal telephone calls or sending text messages. Some employers permit employees to access these sites during breaks. Some do not permit access at all.

Both job seekers and employees should take care in what is posted on social media sites. I recently had a client contact me about an employee that was posting negative comments on Facebook about her job. The client wasn’t pleased about the negative PR, particularly since many of her Facebook friends were also coworkers. This client was also surprised that this employee has so much free time on her hands since the comments were posted during the work day.

I had another client contact me recently about a newly hired employee who was had an absenteeism and tardiness issue. Upon review of her Facebook profile, the client discovered it was likely not a problem with the trains (the reason that employee provided) but instead probably due to the many late evenings out with her friends.

More and more of my clients are reviewing Facebook and other sites when they become serious about a candidate. Candidates should use the privacy controls available and/or remove inappropriate or controversial materials from their personal pages.

I would suggest to all employees to reserve their social media access to non-work hours. There are some roles which require access to social media sites (interactive marketing roles) but these roles are the exception, not the norm.

Q. My employer rents an office to another professional and made it very clear to me that I was not employed by this person and was not to answer his phones, etc. Unfortunately, he often says things to me like, "I'm going out now,” "I'm having clients this afternoon," or "I'm going downstairs for a minute." He periodically asks me to help him with problems with his computer, or to answer his phone while he’s out because he’s expecting an important call. I have told my employer about this but nothing has changed. Would it be appropriate for me to talk to this person and tell him that since I don't work for him I don’t need to know the details of his schedule? And to tell him that it is annoying? This is a very small office, space wise, and it is annoying to me to hear about every move he is making all day. He is not a bad person, but I’m considering leaving this job because of this.
Boston, MA

A. It’s clear that the tenant didn’t get the message or he’s trying to take advantage of you. As it currently stands you are between a rock and a hard place. Either you disobey your boss’s instruction or you confront the other professional, which you’re not sure is the right thing to do. In the absence of any direct communication and resolution, the other professional will continue to inform you of his whereabouts and ask for your assistance. A reasonable first step would be talk with him. Don’t be accusatory or caustic. “Jim, I know we’re all in this space together, and it’s easy to ask me favors or let me know what you’re doing. The problem is it’s making it hard for me to get my work done, and Tom (your boss) expects me to focus on my work for him. I hope you understand.”

However, given your frustration level and the need to have everyone on the same page, it might be quicker and more effective if you, your boss, and the other professional have a face-to-face meeting to address your situation. Give your boss the head’s up, then offer to set up the meeting yourself. “Tom, you’ve made it clear to me that I’m not working for Jim. Unfortunately, he informs me of his comings and goings as if I’m his receptionist and asks me to cover his phone or help with his computer. Is it okay with you if I set up a meeting between the three of us so we can make my status clear?” Then in the meeting, take care to remain calm and focused on facts. Explain the situation but avoid comments like “It’s so annoying when you…” that could be perceived as a personal attack. Also, don’t let your frustration with the situation tempt you to make rash statements. Unless you are willing to follow through, don’t threaten to quit. Good luck.

Q. My boss's boss didn't invite me to an event, and then he was questioning why I hadn't attended. How to respond? Do I point out that I wasn't invited and apologize for any confusion? I'm at a loss and not gaining ground.

Anonymous

A. A dilemma indeed: either the boss thinks you blew him off, or you get to tell him that he blew it. When we consider how to solve a dilemma at the Emily Post Institute, we apply three basic principles to come up with a solution: consideration, respect, and honesty. The first two are relatively easy to understand. What’s considerate and respectful for all involved? The third, honesty, also seems simple, yet it is by far the most difficult to apply. It’s easy to rationalize not telling the truth, and it’s even easier to say nothing than to be honest and take responsibility for yourself. Easiest of all is the white lie.

White lies seem great at the moment you tell them. They get you out of a difficult situation, and they’re usually cloaked in the good intention of sparing someone else’s feelings. As with any lie, when you get caught—and you will get caught at the worst possible moment—resolving the situation then is much more difficult. For instance, you could say to your boss’s boss: “Mr. Sanders I’m so sorry I didn’t get to your party. I was under the weather and didn’t want to expose your guests. I really should have called. Please, I hope you understand.” Sounds good – you have an altruistic excuse for not being at the party, and you haven’t embarrassed the uber boss for his invitation oversight. Should work, until Mr. Sanders finds out you were really at a concert/bar/baseball game.

So back to the truth. The stark truth—“You didn’t invite me”—lays the blame where it belongs, but also embarrasses. Instead, be benevolently honest. Focus on the issue and not on inadvertently placing blame or accusing your boss’s boss of having screwed up. “Mr. Sanders, could I talk to you? You asked why I hadn’t attended your party. I would have loved to, but, honestly, I didn’t know I had been invited. I’ve been concerned that you might think I simply blew it off. I really didn’t, and I hope you understand.” Part of honesty is sincerity, believability. If he hears the sincerity in your voice and sees it in your facial expression and body language, he’ll most likely believe you.

Your best path is one of benevolent honesty, wrapped in sincerity. Good luck.

Q. I work in a department with over 50 desk cubicles, no walls. When approaching someone to speak to them is it proper to stand behind/beside them until they notice me or is it proper to gently knock to alert them that I am standing there?

D. F., Houston, TX

A. The gentle knock is the appropriate answer. Simply standing there waiting for her to acknowledge you doesn’t work. She may not respond, especially if she is on the phone or deeply involved in work, and that would be awkward for you. On the other end of the spectrum, speaking to her without getting her attention first could startle her, interrupt a phone conversation or cause her to lose her concentration.

Too often I’ve found myself in your situation: I’ve approached a person who is working at her desk and started to ask a question. With the person’s back to me, I hadn’t noticed that she was actually on the phone. My speaking rudely interrupted her phone conversation. Even if she isn’t on the phone, a soft knock would be a gentler way to get her attention without being overtly rude.

Impersonal and public though they appear, a person’s cube is as much a personal workspace as an office with four walls and a door. It’s important to respect the invisible boundaries. Gently knocking announces your presence without causing a rude interruption. Once you have her attention, you can either ask or signal if this is a good time to talk. If the person indicates or says that it’s not a good time—she’s on the phone or needs to complete a task—don’t walk off in a huff. Instead show consideration and return at a better time. An alternative is to take a piece of note paper with you and write on it, “Please call me when you’re finished.” You can quietly slip the note on her desk.

The best solution may be to avoid the situation altogether. Don’t assume you will be able to talk with her. Try calling her extension first. If she answers, you can talk with her directly or set up a time to meet later. If her extension is busy, you can leave a message for her to get back to you when she’s available. An e-mail and an instant message are also other less intrusive ways to ask to meet.

Q: I have applied for several jobs within my company through our internal job posting system. I have been turned down at least three times in the past year for internal opportunities. I need someone to give me a chance at a new role. I am in a job that is monotonous and boring. I have been doing it for more than one year. I have a degree in communications but I am hardly using it. There is so much out there about how to land a new job when you are unemployed. My company has not had lay-offs like other companies. What gives? What about finding a new job within your current company? I also don’t think my company is posting all open jobs within our company.

A: You are in a fortunate position but probably don’t realize how fortunate your current situation may be. First, you are gainfully employed when national unemployment figures are hovering around 10%. You may not be in your ideal job but it sounds like your company offers a stable environment. Many will be reading your question and feeling envious rather than sympathetic.

Congratulations! Your company posts some jobs internally! Not all companies post jobs internally. And it sounds like there have been some internal opportunities posted despite the overall challenges during this recession. Your employer is not required to post all jobs. Your company can select which open positions to post and which ones not to post. In general, posting jobs internally though is a good practice. It allows existing employees to move within an organization and also sends a message that your company is hiring. This is a welcome signal to many employees. Lastly, posting a job internally often yields a significant number of employee referrals from existing employees. Many employers offer employee referral bonuses or other rewards if an existing employee refers a candidate that is hired.

Without knowing a lot about your company, I can tell you that there are many, many employees at your company who are focusing on the work on their desks and feeling like they are lucky to have jobs. There are likely employees at your company that are not aggressively pursuing roles outside of your company, particularly if your employer is stable. With more and more employee remaining in their current positions, this often results in less movement internally within companies. This pattern often occurs during recessions.

Although I understand you feel like you are currently not challenged, there are ways to improve your chances at progressing within your current organization. A few pieces of advice:

• First, perform your current job well, really well. It sounds so obvious but it is true. Many employers will not allow an employee to post for another role if the employee is not performing well in their current role.
• Ask for additional duties and responsibilities if you have the ability to take on more work. You will be viewed as a “go-getter” who performs beyond the expectations of your job. Do not use extra time to chat with co-workers, text friends or check social networking sites.
• Make sure that your relationships with peers, colleagues, members of your HR team, your supervisor and others are strong and professional. Develop a strong internal network of colleagues. Avoid excessive complaining, whining or negativity even if your role is not ideal.
• Don’t post for every position that becomes available. Be thoughtful. Post for those roles that are a reasonable step beyond your current position. Make sure that you are qualified. If you are required to submit a written document when you post for a job, make sure that you present your qualifications in a crisp and professional manner. I would guess that internally posted positions are attracting many qualified candidates from within your company. Competition is fierce for almost all opportunities right now.
• Be gracious to those that spent time with you during the posting process. Send thank you emails or notes. I often favorably remember those candidates that send me a thank you note or email. It is a small world. One of the individuals may be a colleague or even a supervisor some day.
• Think about challenging yourself in other ways like learning a new skill (think about which skills may be helpful in your next position) or returning to school at night.

Hiring has picked up recently but I am certainly not seeing a hiring frenzy with any of my clients. I think most companies are filling roles in a cautious and prudent manner.

Q. I am a registered nurse in a long term care facility. On three recent occasions the director of nursing, who is not my immediate superior, and I have had conversations regarding client care issues on which we have differences of opinions. She has then spoken to at least three of my colleagues about my “lack of judgment” and “rude attitude”. I confronted her and told her that I felt, as professionals, our conversations should be kept confidential. She admitted to discussing my behavior with my peers and seems to think that this is acceptable. What can I do to keep this behavior from recurring? I feel that I am working in an untrustworthy environment. The executive director of the facility is non-supportive. I have adjusted my work schedule so that I am having less contact with the director of nursing.
Anonymous

A. Perspective is often at the root of relationship issues. It certainly seems to be here. From your perspective the three conversations with her focused on your “differences of opinion” regarding clinical care. Yet, when she talked to the three colleagues about your “rude attitude,” her perspective on those conversations differed from yours. You focused on the content of those conversations while she focused on how you interacted with her.

You perceived her talking about your behavior as unjustifiable, that she broke a confidence, and in the process lost your trust. While I don’t know why she talked to your peers, I suspect she would excuse her action by saying she was trying to get their take on the situation. Talking about issues concerning one employee with others is a mistake many managers make. Even when couched in the best of intentions, it still causes a loss of trust in the manager. Trust is what makes relationships work, and when it has been lost the relationship is in serious trouble, as it is here.

Finally, after learning that she talked to your peers, you confronted her. Perspective again rears its head. You see yourself making a point with her while she focuses on your confrontational attitude. Unfortunately, in any confrontational situation there’s little chance for constructive resolution.

There’s no easy solution here, especially because you believe the executive director “is non-supportive” which means she backs the director of nursing regarding the patient care issues. Ultimately, the director of nursing and the executive director are responsible for policies and procedures which they expect employees to follow. You can try to clear the air by asking to talk with the director calmly and non-confrontationally. “Jane, I really care about my work here, and I want to have a good relationship with you. I’m concerned about what’s happened between us recently. Could we get together and talk about it?” Focus first on how you might have been perceived in those conversations. Be willing to acknowledge that you didn’t mean to be rude or confrontational. Afterward ask to meet to discuss your ideas on patient care. If they don’t change the policies, you’ll have to decide if you can follow them, or if you need to look elsewhere for employment.

Q. Six of us work for one manager, and another manager has five people working for him. These two managers compete for the VP’s attention and some of it rubs off on our two teams. Most of us try to ignore the drama, but the one thing that drives me nuts, and a few of the others, is everyone copies everyone else on emails discussing what needs to be done, or what has been done, or what they think. I get enough real email as it is. I really don’t need to read what else is going on, or have everything I do sent around to two managers just so people can play “CYA” just in case, or one upping. Aren’t there rules for this?

A. Most organizations and companies do have formal and informal rules for the use of email. There are also people who choose to follow the cultural norms and others who just do what they want until they are reminded about the purpose of the tool and how to use it.

Email is a standard in all companies and many peoples’ personal lives as well. Spam filters are wonderful, and they do continue to get more accurate at eliminating unsolicited offerings at work and home which is a time saver. Now if these same filters can screen out emails with pictures of kittens and requests to send something back so people know how loved they are, we might be able to go through our email in half the time.

Typically it is understood that your business email is for professional use only, however many people use their business email address for personal use as well. The latter is viewed by many organizations as a productivity buster. However, you have identified one of the greatest practices to negatively impact to productivity – sending emails people do not need to get, do not need to read, do not need to do anything about, and do not need to respond to.

Email can be used to communicate a need for action by the reader or actions by multiple readers, a specific piece of information, or a question needing a response. What email doesn’t need to be used for is on ladder climbing, career protection, or an open invitation for comments from all on every area of business.

Managers can set the tone for how email is used. Some organizations have cultures where emailing is considered impolite when people are in the same building. Their process says first see the person to communicate, then call, then message, and lastly email. Email is not the first mode of communication used, and people new to the culture who think they will increase their productivity by taking the email short cut are quickly educated about the accepted protocols.

If the managers are leading the way with the emails to all, it may be more difficult to modify behaviors. You can start by reviewing what your manager wants to be copied on by you. Managers have varying levels of “need to know”. Some managers do want to see emails, but more effective managers are looking for compiled reports which screen out extraneous information, and do not involve email trails. You might offer a suggestion about what you believe will be most effective for your own communication with your manager. If that goes well, you and your manager can then have a similar conversation with your colleagues about ways to increase productivity by limiting indiscriminate copying of emails. Perhaps you can convince your manager and colleagues increased productivity is the way to capture the VP’s attention, not more emails.

If your manager is convinced this massive redundancy is effective, consider using email less, and communicating by meeting, phone appointments, and voicemail more often.

Q: I was recently hired by an employer in the Boston area. I am grateful to have landed my first job in this economy. However, this is not my dream job. In just six months, they have increased my responsibilities and now I am covering for a colleague who is on a leave of absence. My work hours almost always go beyond the 40 hours per week that I signed up for when I started. Is this legal?

A: Congratulations on landing a role in a difficult economy. Although unemployment is the most well-known byproduct of challenging financial times, you are also facing a reality of this economy. Employers across industries are implementing cost-saving strategies to be more efficient. In some cases, companies are trying "to do more with less." Sometimes this translates into employees, like you, working additional hours or covering for a colleague during an absence.

Most US workers are "at-will." At-will employees are workers who are not covered by a collective bargaining agreement. In general, an employer of an at-will employee can change an employee's duties, hours, titles or work location. If you are covered by a collective bargaining agreement, you may have some additional rights.

There are some possible positive outcomes of your situation. It sounds like you are a reliable employee (or else you would not have been given additional responsibilities). If your company has a history of internally promoting employees, this could work to your advantage. Employees who ?pitch in? and handle additional duties are often perceived as very valuable employees. If you explore other opportunities within your company, this willingness and strong work ethic could be a factor. Additionally, you are broadening your skills and experience. If you choose to look for another role, either inside or outside of your company, this additional experience could be more marketable.

Working beyond 40 hours per week is not that uncommon. Many of us work beyond 40 hours in a single work week when needed. My guess is that when you were hired, your company mentioned that this role was full-time (or 40 hour work week). However, their business needs and staffing levels may have changed. In most cases, requesting that you work beyond 40 hours is not illegal. There are some exceptions, especially if you are under 18 years of age. If you are a nonexempt employee, you may be entitled to pay for the hours that you work beyond 40 hours in a single work week.

Finally, many employees don't land a "dream job" when first entering the workforce. Instead, it is a stepping stone to other roles. Most employers would accept a one to two year commitment from an entry-level employee. A few pieces of advice that I will offer:

- perform your work to the best of your abilities

- begin to develop a network on peers and supervisors; these contacts are important as you move forward in your career

- minimize your complaints (few work environments are perfect)

- offer to help or assist with projects and tasks that could increase your skills, experience or visibility

- be dependable and show up with enthusiasm

- seek out mentors that can help provide feedback and further your career

- be respectful of your work time and avoid the traps that entry-level employees can fall into (just to name a few: excessive socializing -- both in-person and on social networking sites, negative cliques that seem to gossip or complain about others or the company)

Finally, understand that this role, while it may not be ideal, may be a good entry-level jobs that opens up other opportunities to you further in your career.

Q. Is there anything such as earphone etiquette? A coworker recently handed me her earphones to listen to something she had downloaded. I was taken completely by surprise and used them but was very uncomfortable. I have no reason to question her hygiene, but it still seems to be something that just isn't done. How should I have handled it?

J. L., Stoughton, MA

A. Yes, J. L. There really is such a thing as earphone etiquette. Earphones, which don’t go into the ear or have issues like wax build up, are reasonably easy to share unless the person has a cold. Earbuds, on the other hand, are more of an issue. For me, wax build up and hygiene start to become an issue. I asked my twenty-something daughter, Lizzie, how her generation handles listening with another person’s earbuds. “I just pop them in,” she explained. “If someone is willing to offer and I don’t care as well, then it’s a mutual ‘no big deal.’ I’ve never worried about the hygiene.” The short story is: people do ask friends to take a listen and friends accept.

I have more of a hesitation than Lizzie about putting someone else’s earbuds into my ear. So I tried simply holding one of my buds next to my ear without inserting it to see if I could hear the music. I could. Problem solved without having to turn down the offer and create an awkward moment with a friend.

One final point: If the person asking you to share has a cold, you can politely turn down the offer to use their earbuds. “Not now, thanks. I’ll check it out later.” If you have a cold, hold off on making the offer. Don’t put the other person in a difficult situation.

The question about earbuds also raises the issue of the use of earphones or earbuds at the office. Before putting them in and tuning the office out, make sure your company doesn’t have a policy prohibiting their use at work. Certainly, they're much better than when people had speakers on the desk and everyone had to listen to your music. But unless your company permits their use, keep them stowed. If you can use them, keep the volume turned down low enough so you can hear your phone ring or you can respond if a coworker starts talking to you. Finally, when you are talking to someone, take both earbuds out of your ears. It would be rude to continue listening to your music with one bud in while the other person is trying to have a conversation with you. By leaving the bud in, you’re sending a message that whatever the other person has to say, it’s not as important as your music. That’s not a good message to send.

Q: Recently all the job titles in my small unit were changed by management and no one was informed of this change. We found out only by looking on Who's Who, our company's internal directory. When we asked about this we were told this was for 'consistency' and given an answer that did not seem logical or make sense.

These job titles do not encompass our current duties. It is frustrating as we have had to take on many more job duties and work, and while I understand that we can't be paid more, it would be acceptable if we had job titles that reflected what we do. Instead, management changed our job titles to ones that are narrowly focused, and this was done without informing anyone.

I had sent out my resume using my former title and now wonder how to handle this. What, if anything, should I say/do?

A: I am sorry that you are unhappy with the new titles that were assigned to the roles within your unit. It is unfortunate that these changes were made without informing employees in advance.

Company titles sometimes do need to be changes for a variety of reasons. Job responsibilities can change and sometimes that may necessitate a title change. A merger or an acquisition can sometimes be another legitimate reason for changes in titles of roles.

Assuming you are not part of a bargaining unit, an employer can typically change the "terms and conditions" of your employment. What this means is that your employer can change one or more of the following: title, working hours, job duties or location to name a few. These changes can be made with or without your consent.

Implementing these changes without informing the employees is not a good practice in most cases. When possible, it is often best to inform employees in advance of changes. Ideally, it is best to solicit employees' input but that is not always practical or possible. Based on the information you provided, I am not aware if your employer had a good reason (that you may not be aware of) to make these changes.

If your supervisor had told you in advance of the changes, this sharing of information may have made this change a bit more acceptable to you. You still may not have agreed but you may have appreciated the fact that you were informed in advance. Finding out new company information through an internal directory is probably not the best employee communications strategy. However, having been on the side of management for many years, I can tell you that not every internal change can be communicated in a timely manner. Companies often have few resources fully devoted to internal employee communications.

In response to your specific question about the title on your resume, I think you should provide a short explanation if questioned. Most hiring managers understand that titles can change over a period of time. Your explanation may sound like this:

In January of 2010, my title was changed from Software Developer to JAVA Engineer. I had submitted my resume to ABC Inc. in November of 2009 with the title of Software Developer.