Robin_Abrahams: Happy New Year, everyone! I hope it was a good one for all of you. Mr. Improbable and I had a pleasantly low-key holiday week. So, let's talk! What's on everyone's mind today?
pgirl__Guest_: MY boyfriend and i have been dating for 2 years now and we have yet to say the "L" word, is that bad?
Robin_Abrahams: Hmmm! It's not bad if both of you are comfortable that way. What's your concern? Do you think one of you is holding out? Or that you're *not* really in love, and just sort of treading water and wasting time? It does seem unusual, but unusual isn't necessarily bad. I'd ask myself--and, after I'd examined my own feelings, my boyfriend--what's really behind the L-aversion!
Randy__Guest_: When staying at a hotl for several days - do you tip the maids each day ( if so, how) or do you leave one big tip at the end of your stay encompasssing all the days you were there?
Robin_Abrahams: A much easier question than when to say "I love you"! Tip every day, because you don't always get the same room cleaner. Tip based on niceness of the room and nastiness of your personal habits! Regarding the "how," there's usually an envelope provided--if not, use the hotel stationery to leave a note indicating that the money is a tip, and saying thank you. (Print clearly. If the cleaners' first language isn't English, it's really hard to read a second language in bad handwriting!)
Kitzy__Guest_: Our son is getting married in August, and we are of course hosting the rehearsal dinner, although there will not be a traditional rehearsal. Who should be invited to the dinner?
Robin_Abrahams: Is there *any* kind of rehearsal? Surely there must be something. Anyway, all the wedding party should be invited, and you might want to invite out-of-towners, too.
sonic__Guest_: is there a polite way to tell my mother that we've been seeing too much of her recently and would like some time off? I've tried saying that we're swamped with work and other things and she'll show up unannounced to help us cook and clean. yes, it's thoughtful and she just wants to help, but she's constantly offering lifestyle advice and my husband and i get tierd of smiling, nodding, and biting our tongues.
Robin_Abrahams: Erg! I think you should be concerned with "clear message" more than "polite"! Which doesn't mean be unkind. But obviously your mother isn't picking up on the subtle hints. I think you need to have A Talk. And focus the talk not on need to get away from *her* (a negative) but on need to spend time alone as a couple (a positive). Good luck!
Cambridge_Mike__Guest_: Hello. I have a question about first names vs. Mr. Ms. etc. I have r ece ntly joined a private business club where I am addressed by my last name and honorific (Mr.) I do prefer t his in a formal environment! My question is how to address the management & staff. (There seems to be a significant distinction.) Do I call each of them by their first names, and expect them to still use my last? Do I do something different for management than staff?
Robin_Abrahams: Do as others do. It sounds like this club has its own distinct culture, so start making like Junior Anthropologist.
Kitzy__Guest_: The wedding will take place in the garden of the restaurant where the reception/dinner will take place afterward, and the wedding will be on a Friday evening. Since the wedding party will be small, I think the "rehearsal" will be rudimentary. But I was thinking that any out-of-towners arriving on Thursday could be included as guests at the "rehearsal dinner."
Robin_Abrahams: Yes, that's always a nice thing to do.
santazz__Guest_: My bf and I disagree on this - is there a good way to tell fellow condo mates to stop stomping down the stairs? I say the noise is brief and we should save complaints for something serious. He, who works from home says it is serious and it annoys him.
Robin_Abrahams: If it interferes with his ability to do his work, then he can say something nicely. But people will still forget occasionally. There's upsides to working at home, and downsides. This might just be one of them. So, in short, compromise--say something, 'cause it might work, but don't make a big deal if the behavior doesn't stop. Changing the way you *walk* is a really difficult thing for most people.
just_wondering__Guest_: Hello...Is there a *nice* way to let people know that a party you are throwing is for adults only without hurting anyones feelings or seeming cold?
Robin_Abrahams: Again, phrase it as a positive--we're wanting everyone to be able to enjoy conversation without distractions, etc. And don't *ever* say "no children" on a written invite. If you have people who you think are likely to not get the message, call them and let them know. My experience has been that people are generally quite happy to have adults-only parties. And those folks who are going to get in a snit about it just *will*, regardless of how tactful you try to be. It's always nice, when you have lots of friends with children, to have both adults-only and all-ages parties. Gives you street cred as a child-lover when you do decide to exclude them.
Em__Guest_: My husband and I recently had twins. What's an appropriate response to "Ohhh, was it natural?" or "Did you have help?" (We did) I've yet to think of something that answers the question without admitting our infertility treatment to perfect strangers.
Robin_Abrahams: Well, there really isn't anything that answers the question without admitting the treatments, because those are the answer, right? Personally, I'd vote for honesty, to help destigmatize infertility. But that's entirely your choice. If you want privacy, a good response might be, "We're less concerned with how they got here than with what we're going to do with them now!" and then launch into an amusing anecdote of the joys and challenges of twins. I'm sure you've got plenty! If the questioner persists, a cheerful, "I'm not comfortable discussing personal medical matters," and then change the topic again.
bailey__Guest_: I saw a letter in the globe magazine where gifts should not be necessarily expected at an engagement party, but what about bridal or baby showers?
Robin_Abrahams: Yes, gifts are the entire point of showers, so don't go to a shower if you're not going to give a gift. At (almost--I'm sure there are exceptions I can't think of right now) any other kind of party or ceremony, gifts are optional.
Pokey__Guest_: My wife and I, both 40, 1 child, one on the way. bought our starter house 4 years, Although we earn about $200K combine, we went conservative with a 3BR, 1.5 bath starter home. We save / invest alot in hopes of early retirement. Our neighbor have similar houses and families but are struggling with makin ends meet. Not knowing our income, they make nasty comments about "rich people who make a couple hundred grand". How do we respond?
Robin_Abrahams: I would shut that one down but HARD. "I'm sorry, you're insulting us based on assumptions for which you have no factual evidence. Please don't bring up our financial status again. Can I get you another drink?" It's really crucial when you have to smack someone on the nose like that to offer them a Milkbone immediately afterward, to help them save face.
Andrea__Guest_: Happy New Year, Robin! What to do with a monogrammed gift that you KNOW you're never going to use?
Robin_Abrahams: What is it? You can't leave me hanging like that!
Daisy__Guest_: The Exec team gave me a cash gift before Christmas - all of us in one room, in person. I know it was out of their pocket ( I am the bookkeeper) and no other gifts were given. I thanked them on the spot though did not open the card until later as I did not expect anything and was flustered. Any further actions on my part?
Robin_Abrahams: You can never write too many thank-you notes! I'd say send a note to the head of the group thanking them for their generosity.
timsmom__Guest_: My neighbor is expecting, however is recently divorced and the baby is not her former husband's. I know this through a mutual acquaintance. Still, baby is a cause for celebration! I'd love to give her a gift, but since she didn't tell me directly about the pregnancy (though she is visibly pregnant) I don't want to insult her in any way. Would giving a gift be appropriate?
Robin_Abrahams: OF COURSE! But you can always wait until the baby is born if you have any sense of awkwardness.
Jean_the_Bean__Guest_: I am divorced and currently use my married name. I am in a serious relationship but his last name is Kelly and that would make my new name Jean Kelly. I have a real problem with this because of the singer/dancer actor, I can neither sing or dance. What should I do for a name. I haven't used my maiden name in 20 years... Help
Robin_Abrahams: Hah! Yes, I'm glad I didn't wind up involved with someone named "Hood" or "Banks" or anything like that ("Williams" ...). I'd say if and when the proposal comes, talk to your fiance about it. The name you have now obviously feels like YOUR name, not your former husband's (if it didn't, you'd have changed when you got the divorce), so I don't think it should be an issue to keep it. Address whatever issues your fiance might have. It will probably seem strange to him at first, but I really don't think any man who would do a big chest-pounding "Take my name or else" is that great a candidate for a husband, myself.
timsmom__Guest_: You're right, I don't know why I hesitated. I think I'll still wait until the baby is here though - I'd hate to have her think people are talking about her ... plus I can make a pink or blue purchase. Thank you!
Robin_Abrahams: Well, if this woman is more intelligent than an eggplant, she KNOWS people are talking about her, but it's kinder not to remind her of that fact! A post-birth gift it is, then. Problem-solving is fun!
Andrea__Guest_: It's a couple of very tall crystal wine bottle stoppers. First of all, I can't imagine ever having an unfinished bottle of wine! Secondly, they don't fit very tightly, so I wouldn't be able to put the bottle on its side in the 'fridge, and their height precludes putting a bottle with one of the stoppers standing up on the refrigerator shelf.
Robin_Abrahams: Okay, for something like that, maybe use them as decor? If they're pretty, have a couple of *empty* winebottles with pretty labels shoved decoratively into a corner or something, with the stoppers in them.
lescon__Guest_: My sister-in-law is mad at my husband and me. He had meetings in Disney world in December, and my children and I were able to go with him for part of his trip. One of his sisters, married with one child, live in Florida and were able to join us for a few days. His other sister was not able to go because she is in retail and cannot take time off in December. She asked us to change the dates, but because my husband was to speak at a conference of 70-odd people, we obviously couldn't. We both got the cold shoulder at Christmas. I don't think I really care one way or the other, but my children ADORE her and I don't want to mess that up. Do I need to address this or should I let it blow over? My husband, is quite frankly, "done with her" and her attitude. (this isn't the first time she's gotten mad at us for not having her on our vacations. She is single)
Robin_Abrahams: Hmmm. I'm on your husband's side on this one. For one thing, it's his family, and I generally think that ... okay, I can't in the moment find a way of phrasing this gracefully as a principle, but if it's your family, you're in charge, and if it's your spouse's family, s/he is. Also, if she's THAT explody, there's going to be no way of preserving the relationship for the sake of the kids indefinitely. You stroke and groom her out of this snit, she'll be in another one by the end of the year. Do you want to play peacemaker/appeaser forever?
Robin_Abrahams: And folks are weighing in! I love this part of the chat--
kbiresearch__Guest_: Those wine stoppers sound very pretty and if they are really crystal you should sell them on ebay.
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: Maybe Jean Williams could start using her middle name too. For example, Jean Anne Williams or Jean Marie Williams? Think of Sasha Cohen (the iceskater) vs. Sasha Baron Cohen (the comedian).
Robin_Abrahams: That's possible, if the middle name is one you like and it doesn't seem weird to start using it. But now I'm obsessed with the idea of an Icecapades Borat! (Does anyone else find themselves absentmindedly singing the fake Khazakh national anthem? I'll be making dinner and suddenly start in, "All other countries have inferior potassium.")
kalimba__Guest_: Hi Robin - I think you mis-interpreted the query re: comments about rich people. The insulters are not refering to their neighbors, but rather, "rich people in general" and don't know that their neighbors fall in that category. I think this happens more than you think.
Robin_Abrahams: You know, you're right, I *did* misread that. I do sometimes sacrifice accuracy for speed on these chats! Thanks for checking me, kalimba. Okay, rich folks, if it's not directed at you, then don't say anything. The price of having a good income is that there will be people who resent you for it (whether they know they're resenting *you* or not). I'd only say something if it's likely that your neighbors might eventually find out what income bracket you're in, and then feel bad.
Daisy__Guest_: put them in a small crystal dish near the wine rack and pretend you use t hem all the time. When tired of dusting them put in drawer and they can reemerge when the giver visits.
Robin_Abrahams: A good solution! I have sympathy for the eBay idea (I wouldn't have sent it to the chatroom if I didn't) but this is the classic politeness solution.
Andrea__Guest_: I thought about putting them on eBay, but the identifying monogram made me uneasy about the gift-giver seeing them on the site. There must be someone out there with my initials, though, right?
Robin_Abrahams: EBay is vast, but you KNOW if you put something on there that you don't want someone to see, they'll find it. Nothing on the internet is private. It's safer to follow Daisy's advice, or do as I suggested and use them decoratively.
Pokey__Guest_: Thanks Kalimba - yes you are correct. They are not trying to insult us, but they are without knowing it.
Robin_Abrahams: Well if I got it wrong, Pokey, why didn't you say something? ;-) Thanks again, kalimba. Anyway I think you should let it slide. If you absolutely *can't* for whatever reason, be very sensitive in how you handle it. Your first concern should be to save your friends embarrassment, not to stick up for the rights of folks making $200K.
tryin2bpleasant__Guest_: Okay, I realize it's too early to worry about these things, but hubby and I have moved into our dream house (which includes a pool) and his sister-in-law is already plaguing us about using it this summer. How do I tactfully inform her that I don't want my area of peace and rest to become a daily aquatic version of Chuck-E-Cheese? Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I just don't want to be besieged by them without my control!
Robin_Abrahams: It is NOT too early to worry, if you're already being asked! First off, talk to hubby and make sure you're on the same page. Then decide what the rules should be--maybe have "open pool" every other Saturday, or something like that? Then communicate this to your SIL. It's called "managing expectations." Also, as the owner of the pool, I *think* you're liable for anything that happens (check w/a lawyer about that) so you really can't allow anyone there unless you can supervise. But yes, deal with this *now*.
Robin_Abrahams: And that's today's chat, folks! Lots of you had GREAT questions I didn't have time to get to--you can send them to missconduct@globe.com. I hope to hear from you! And everyone have a wonderful New Year, okay?
