Robin_Abrahams: Afternoon, everyone! I've got the "My Man is Giving Science Talks in the UK" blues today--it's just me and Little Big Dog (and the DVDs of "Battlestar Galactica," for Miss Conduct, she big geek) for the next couple of weeks. So cheer me up and distract me! What's on everyone's mind on this very March-weather-like day?
furz__Guest_: I hate to ask a wedding question but I am hosting a bridal shower for someone who doesn't really "want" a traditional shower- no bow hats, no wedding dresses out of toilet paper- just a simple outing with friends to celebrate? Is there a kind way to discourage traditional bridal shower behavior?
Robin_Abrahams: If you're organizing it, just organize it with the kinds of activities (or not) that you like. Do you really think you have friends clueless enough to break out the TP rolls at, say, brunch at Harriet's Table? If so, maybe a few discreet phone calls in advance might be in order. In general, though, people will sense what kind of event it is--and isn't--and will behave accordingly.
JJ__Guest_: Should you send thank you notes on behalf of your small child to close relatives like your mother and father or brother - or is it insulting to thank people as if they are distant people in your life?
Robin_Abrahams: I think it would be odd, but when said child is old enough--and "old enough" is pretty young--to start participating in the TYN-writing process, then you start. You'll have to scaffold them at first, mostly writing the note yourself but letting them add a picture or their name. (Make it a fun art project, not a chore!)
SynThea__Guest_: You may have answered this already... but how did you get started giving etiquette advice?
Robin_Abrahams: I was in the right place (journalism conference) at the right time (when the Globe was looking for a new Miss Conduct). And I have a wildly eclectic background of things I've studied and done. And it all worked out. I've gotten a lot of questions about this kind of thing, and "how do I get started as a writer" ... I can only say what worked for me, and I'll be posting on my blog about it very soon. (boston.com/missconduct).
george__Guest_: I've been invited to a baby shower where the invite requested that we include our own thank you card so the new mom doesn't have to write them. My inclination is to give a gift and leave out the card. What do you think?
Robin_Abrahams: My inclination would be a bit more pugnacious than yours, actually. I think what you suggest is fine.
Jo__Guest_: I'd like to visit my out-of-state parents with my young child. The problem is, their home has had several burglaries over the past few years and I am concerned about safety; they now have an alarm system. If I stay in a hotel, it's about a 15-20 minute drive. Am I being silly? Have I been living in the suburbs too long? Should I tell them the truth?
Robin_Abrahams: The chances of them being burgled while you're there are vanishingly small, but if you'd be really uncomfortable, to the point of not enjoying your visit, then talk to them about it and go the hotel route. Of course that conversation is *also* going to be uncomfortable (and possibly have long-lasting ramifications, depending on how touchy your folks are!), so you'll have to make a choice of what kinds of discomfort you prefer!
jackiesmommy__Guest_: Hi, I love your column and your chat by the way! I teach at an afterschool program that has about 40 children per day and a staff of five. What can you politely say to a parent who was called during school hours to pick up their sick child but ignores the call and has them attend the afterschool program until they can pick up at the usual time? This happens a good deal of time, and we have to separate the sick child from the rest of the group which is difficult, call the parent and try to make the child feel better until they go home. Then we spray with Lysol and pray the other kids don't catch whatever the child has. Teachers get sick and it puts the rest of the staff in a bind. How can an errant parent be addressed without ruffling feathers?
Robin_Abrahams: This needs to be addressed at the institutional/policy level, not the individual level. Have a staff meeting to discuss the problem, decide what you all want to do, send letters out, etc. That way you're not singling out "bad behavers," you're treating everyone equally. That said, not every parent CAN come get a sick kid as soon as they get a call, so I think there needs to be some kind of emergency policy in place for folks who really need it. Do any other parents have suggestions on this?
sgp__Guest_: How can I tell a relative that (a) a thank-you note is required for a gift that I sent, and (b) an email thank-you is not as good / polite as a written thank-you? An anonymous letter???
Robin_Abrahams: Um, you DON'T. It's not your job to be correcting the manners of people in your family who are not your children. If you're sending gifts by mail, it's fine to follow up with a call asking if they've been received (which is one of the functions of a TYN), but I find the statement "a thank-you note is required fo r a gift that I sent" to be a real turn-off. Maybe you should stop sending gifts for a while until you feel a more generous spirit within you.
JCLAN__Guest_: Hi Miss Conduct, I am in college and am often horrified at the level of noise my friends produce, both in restaurants and in public, and in my apartment when the neighbors are sleeping(and have knocked on the walls) is it ever okay to shush them, (when i suggest we quiet down they give me dirty looks)?
Robin_Abrahams: Keep it up. Especially in your apartment, it's your duty as host to make sure that your guests aren't annoying the neighbors. Point out to them that you actually have to LIVE with these people, unlike the guests who can leave.
missy__Guest_: ?
Robin_Abrahams: !
Jo__Guest_: Regarding the sick child and communications with parents, I was impressed when my son's school approached me one time with "concern" that they were not able to immediately reach me at the given number and if there was a better one to try.
Robin_Abrahams: Ah yes, fake concern over something that isn't the real issue! A great Etiquette Ninja tactic and one I recommend a lot. ("Your dog barks so much when you're away, I'm just concerned that he's *unhappy* ...")
Daisy__Guest_: CEO of company often mis pronounces ee names. We are small - under 20. I work directly for him (he gets my name just fine!) and often wonder if I should gently correct him?
Robin_Abrahams: Probably so, but not in public. Is he generally good about that kind of thing (i.e., accepting constructive criticism)? If so, this does seem a worthwhile issue to address. If you've got easy mnemonics for him, that might be a good idea, too. I'm the WORST with stein/steen names and hard g's versus soft g's, myself.
Anthony__Guest_: A family friend (an acquaintance) is doing an exercise wrong at the gym. Is it better to just let them be, so they won't feel intimidated or embarrassed?
Robin_Abrahams: "Wrong" how? Wrong like not getting the absolute maximum best out of it, or wrong like going to tear a rotator cuff if they keep that up? If it's the former, let it go. If people want to be critiqued at the gym they'll hire a personal trainer. If you think they're in danger of injuring themselves, say something. (Assuming you know you're right, that is--and even if you are, you might want to be self-deprecating and phrase it like, "I think blah blah blah, you might want to ask one of the staff.")
holly__Guest_: I read your column religiously, being something of an etiquette stickler. This one has me buffaloed. My sister-in-law (whom I get along well with and love like a sister) has a habit of critiquing my tendency to go to bed early when we're all on vacation together. "you can sleep when you die." To say I find this offensive is an understatement. None of the retorts I've considered seems both effective and relatively polite. I'd like to tell her what I think she's doing wrong in her life, but that seems petty. Any ideas?
Robin_Abrahams: Well, you void your bowels when you die, too, but that doesn't stop most of us from doing it when we're alive. You could try telling her that. Or a simple, "You say this a lot, it bothers me, I like going to bed early and don't like having my personal choices critiqued. Trust me, I'm more pleasant to be around if I've had a good night's sleep. See you at the cafe at nine tomorrow?" might work better.
chatty__Guest_: Is it appropriate to blow your nose at your cubicle (sick), or should we go to the bathroom to do so?
Robin_Abrahams: The occasional biological noise is a fact of life. Serious coughing fits or MAJOR nose-blowing (we all know what I'm talking about, here) should be done in the bathroom, but the occasional discreet honk is no big deal. Make sure everyone sees you Purell your hands conspicuously before handling documents.
funguy__Guest_: What is the proper etiquette when using a blue-tooth headset? Often times, I think these people are talking to me, but then I see the little bluetooth thing in their ear.
Robin_Abrahams: I usually think they're schizophrenic! Then I realize ... Anyway, I'd say stay aware of your surroundings, don't talk too loudly, and don't make eye contact with another person as though you *were* talking to them when you're on an earbud. Assuming you must use one anyway--and you really shouldn't unless it's an emergency.
jmc__Guest_: I hate to ask yet another "in law" question...but here it goes anyway :) Recently I was at my in laws house with my 3 year old. My mother in law often acts as though my kids are really hers but when I'm at her house, I let it go. However, on this particular day my mother in law's sister was there. We're all sitting around a table and she turned to my mother in law and asked her if she thought my son might be hungry and if she wanted her to get him something to eat. I was sitting right next to her! I found it hard to believe that she would ask my mother in law and not the child's mother. My MIL answered her as if she knew the right answer - per usual. I was stunned at first but then just piped up myself and told the aunt that he was fine but thanks for asking. Is there ever an appropriate way to let her know that she should ask me, his mother, and not my MIL?
Robin_Abrahams: Your aunt-in-law was just following your MIL's lead. It's the MIL you need to take things up with, and sooner rather than later. You say you've let things go, but it's obviously bothering you, and that kid's only three, so you've got a ways to go. Have the conversation. Assume good intent and be VERY specific about what kinds of behaviors bother you ("acts like he's your kid" is fine for me, but too vague for the conversation w/MIL).
CT__Cambridge__Guest_: As a retail clerk, I beg, once more--can you put the call on hold, while money is changing hands? We live with it because we have to, but it's scary.
Robin_Abrahams: Agreed. I think there's a lot of rudeness on both sides--retail clerks so frequently IGNORE customers even while they're waiting on them. (I'm not saying you do that, but many do.) And customers talk on cell phones. It's like an arms race of who can pretend the other person doesn't exist most effectively.
PartyGirl__Guest_: I am throwing a birthday party for my fiance at a local pub. I paid to rent the room and I paid for food. I was going to put the bar as a cash bar, but I'm not sure if that's tacky. I do have the option of giving people drink tickets, but even that starts to add up after a while...am I being way too cheap?
Robin_Abrahams: No, you just bit off more than you can chew. People should throw the parties they can afford, and if that means pizza and beers at home instead of a band and a venue, so be it. Don't try to get fancy and then wind up cutting corners. Since you've already committed to the pub, though, drink tickets are probably the best option. You can hardly invite people to a drinking establishment and expect them to pick up their own tab entirely.
CT__Cambridge__Guest_: You're right--it sets those of us who don't apart.
Robin_Abrahams: Yes! This is probably the only upside to general bad manners--you can stand out so beautifully by being only minimally civilized!
acksailor__Guest_: This question goes back to days of the scope mouth commercial. What is the best way to address someone who really has bad breath on a consistant daily basis? I know the reason is that this person has been on a pretty high protien diet and that is no doubt the cause. i just don't how to handle leting them know that their breath is pretty offensive?
Robin_Abrahams: We seem to be dealing with a lot of biology today, don't we?! Most people (I swear I read a survey about this) would want to be told if they had bad breath. If you're close enough to someone to know what their diet is, you're close enough to say something. Acknowledge the awkwardness, be calm and don't expect the other person to carry the burden of YOUR embarrassment, and have a good change of subject planned for after you've delivered the news.
Robin_Abrahams: And that, my friends, is that! Thanks for a good chat today--see you back here on the 19th, same time & place. Enjoy the soon-to-be-spring weather, and try to stay healthy (*everyone* I know has had the flu)!
