Robin_Abrahams: Howdy, everyone! Are we all enjoying the lovely spring weather? And are you like me, that once it's March you just CAN'T bring yourself to wear a winter coat no matter how cold it is, so you wind up layering like crazy and still being chilly? Or is that just me? Anyway, what's on YOUR minds?
waiting__Guest_: Hi Miss Conduct, what do I say to people who constantly ask me when my boyfriend is going to propose to me? It is certainly in the plans, I just don't know when it's going to happen. We've been together for 2 years, and I've been asked this just 6 months into the relationship. I'm flattered people see the two of us as a wonderful pair, but the questions get annoying. I am usually the one they ask, but there have been a few occasions where we've been asked together! Thanks for your help!
Robin_Abrahams: "When it's the right time." Said with a big smile. Then turn the tables on them and ask them about when/how they proposed, if they're married, or some similar question to get the focus off you. (Mr. Improbable and I used to have people asking if we were engaged all the time, before we got married--and I'd say "no" and he'd say "yes," because we knew we were going to be--his reasoning--but the official question hadn't been popped--mine. Confused the HECK out of people.)
susan__Guest_: I know I don't like it, but what is the reason I can give regarding that people should not open their mouth and put more food in it when they already have unswallowed food in their mouths?
Robin_Abrahams: 'Cause it's gross, that's why! Is anyone over the age of five seriously debating you on this point?! Who fails to learn by first grade that nobody wants to see "Already Been Chewed" Food?
officetact__Guest_: Thank you for running these chats - I have a question about brushing and flossing your teeth in the bathroom while at work. If it is done as descreetly as possible - is it rude? I get looks sometimes like 'how gross' even thougth I am VERY low key about it.
Robin_Abrahams: I think it's okay, as long as you aren't splashing up the mirror. I mean, nothing we do in a bathroom is exactly attractive, by definition. But if it's causing you to lose social capital in the office, it's probably not worth it. I keep a little bottle of mouthwash in my desk drawer and nip from that, myself. (At least, I *tell* people it's mouthwash ...)
dressgirl__Guest_: Is a woman supposed to button/unbutton her blazer when she sits down/stands up like a man?
Robin_Abrahams: It depends on if she's built like a *woman*! Do whatever with the blazer that keeps it looking most attractive, whatever position you're in.
umm___what___Guest_: Any tips on dealing with the incurably questioning? (aka those who will deny your points about anything and make bullheaded remarks; like saying that fish aren't "meat" or something similar just cos its allowed during Lent)
Robin_Abrahams: Stop arguing with them, it provides them entertainment and you agita. Some people are just twits. Agree with whatever they say, but in an amused tone of voice that indicates, "If you were actually a rational human being, I would debate you, but since you're not, I'm going to humor you like a child." It helps to have other people who also know this person, so you can share stories and thus gain perspective, and some amusement for yourself.
Anonymous__Guest_: What is the general etiquette rule on guests taking off shoes in a home? We are from another country and it's customary for us to leave shoes at the door when we enter anyone's home, especially our own. We hope that our guests will do the same when they come to our home. But I've read some etiquette columns that say it's rude to ask guests to take off their shoes. On the other hand, When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Which approach is correct? Thanks!
Robin_Abrahams: The question is, how do we define "Rome"? Is "Rome" this country, or is "Rome" your house? Actually, even some Americans born here are getting into that no-shoes thing. If you're going to ask guests to remove shoes, the most important points are to 1) let people know in advance; 2) provide them something else to put on, like a clean white socks; and 3) don't force the issue if someone is clearly uncomfortable with it. Personally, I see the logic of shoe removal, but it really bugs me, but on the third hand it's not like I'm going to turn down an invitation, or like someone less, if they do that. (I've also noticed that shoe-removers, whether for cultural or individual reasons, tend to be fantastic hosts who make really good food, so there are compensations!)
sweetcaroline__Guest_: Im taking my boyfriend to Easter dinner this sunday and hehas a horrible nail biting habit. I don't notice as much anymore but I am afraid my family will. How do I ask him to stop without upsetting him?
Robin_Abrahams: You want them to be able to enjoy the full coruscating beauty of his intellect and spirit, and not be distracted by the habit. That's how: flattery. Also, if he's amenable, work out a signal for when he's doing it. He is NOT going to be able to break this habit by Sunday. (I kept making the "pushing my glasses up" gesture for about six months after I got contacts!)
BigTipper__Guest_: Hello - Haircut 15 bucks. Tip 5 bucks. Is this reasonable or what do you feel is fair
Robin_Abrahams: That's a very good tip, but if you're that happy with a $15 haircut, making it a $20 one is a bargain! Keep that stylist smilin'.
Tami__Guest_: Here's another clothing ettiquette question -- are the rules for women removing hats the same as for men? (Assuming the woman in question is wearing a hat that is clearly part of an outfit, not a baseball cap, ski cap, etc)
Robin_Abrahams: If it's part of the outfit, it remains on when the woman is indoors, whereas men take theirs off. If it's a stocking cap or baseball cap, it comes off (same as for men).
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: I LOVE people who take their shoes off in my home!! I'm finding that this is becoming customary when people notice my little shoe mat by the front door. We have therapists who come to work with my son, and they always take off their shoes. I LOVE them.
Robin_Abrahams: It really is becoming a more common practice all around ... especially in mud season!
chow_chow__Guest_: I went to a bridal shower where the bridesmaids handed out blank envelopes and pens to every guest, so that each guest to write her name and address on the envelope. The thought being it would be easier for the bride to send thank you notes if name and address was already filled out. I'd love to hear your opinion on this trend.
Robin_Abrahams: Oh, I bet you can imagine my opinion pretty well, can't you?
officetact__Guest_: Another question from me - My 13 year old had a great friend and the mom and I were freindly but never really 'hung out'. The 'friend' ended up being kind of phycho and was emailing my daughter all the time with mild threats and the like. My daughter just shrugs it off and thinks it's pathetic. My question is - I still see the mom from time to time (we're in the same town) but I don't really make eye contact and it feels a little strange. How do I handle the informal encounters with the mom?
Robin_Abrahams: What exactly constitutes a "mild" threat to one's own daughter? I don't think this is an etiquette issue anymore. Talk to the local cops, or a reputable self-defense company, or an attorney you trust, and ask their advice. I really wouldn't trust myself to advise you without a LOT of follow-up questions that I can't do in this space.
Didjit__Guest_: I've heard the "official" restaurant tipping rule is 15-20% of the food total -- not including bar or tax. Generally, I'll just go from the total bill because most people seem to expect that. However, when splurging, the tax and especially the bar can be very large, and the tip alone becomes what you might normally spend for a dinner out. What's your take on this pre-tax pre-bar "rule"?
Robin_Abrahams: It's a way to be a cheapskate. If you're going to splurge, you don't then not splurge on the one thing that benefits someone other than *you*. Tip after tax, after bar bill, and at LEAST 15% if the service was adequate. As Barretta might have said in that 70's cop show, "If you can't do the tip, don't do the sip."
jghjlg__Guest_: re: shoes - please be aware that some people have serious foot-pain issues. I cannot walk without grimacing unless I'm wearing my prescription orthotics and sneakers. I just explain "foot surgery" and ask for paper towels to wipe the bottoms.
Robin_Abrahams: Yep, that's why I said NEVER force the issue. Some people have injuries, some are just really self-conscious about their feet. And you're handling the situation great.
chow_chow__Guest_: I'm imagining your opinion! Mine was that it was just wrong! I was thinking about attaching a completed thank you note with my wedding gift. All it would need is a signature!
Robin_Abrahams: Yes, O Psychic chow_chow, you guessed my opinion correctly!
MikeQ__Guest_: Do you offer private etiquette consultation for really challenging situations? If not, do you know where I can get private etiquette consultation from a professional like yourself?
Robin_Abrahams: I don't do one-on-one sessions. If you google "etiquette consultants" and "Boston" (or wherever you live) you'll find LOTS of folks who do, though.
Ms__Fit__Guest_: One of my fellow condo owners (3 unit place) has had her sister's sofa on our common porch since Thanksgiving, now there is a ladder and a baby carrier (not sure those are hers). What's a polite way to inquire? Last time I did was around xmas and she said it would be gone soon. Thanks.
Robin_Abrahams: Ask if she needs help moving it, now that the weather's warmer (you know, once it is). Do you have a condo board? I'm sure no one else is thrilled with this, either.
little_sister__Guest_: Happy Purim, Robin! I was pleased when, last Christmas, my family finally agreed (at my suggestion) to discontinue gift-giving among the adults. I did, however, give my sister-in-law and brother modest presents on their birthdays, which fell immediately before and after the holiday. My husband's birthday was several weeks ago, and, although my brother sent an e-card, there has been no mention or appearance of a gift. Should I just assume they've decided to extend the gift-giving moratorium to b-days (which would be fine with me), or should I ask if that's the case?
Robin_Abrahams: Why thank you! Mr. Improbable is coming home tomorrow night after 2 1/2 weeks away, which is the best Purim I could hope for. I'm still debating if I should be wearing a costume when he comes in. (Um, for those not in the know, Purim is a costume-wearing holiday, like Halloween ... I wasn't talking about our sex life, there!) Anyway, I think you can assume that the moratorium has been extended. But if you like birthdays and the celebrations thereof, you could suggest dinners out, or a night out bowling or at the opera or whatever to celebrate them.
Clueless__Guest_: Hi Robin -When I was out from work for an operation, the people in my office sent me flower
Robin_Abrahams: Good! They should have. Tell me more!
Ms__Fit__Guest_: Good afternoon. 4 of 5 of the highest executives at my office get Harry & David fruit of the month from a client or someone who wants to do business with them. I think it's been going on longer than I've been here. One of my bosses left it in the frig to rot last month, didn't know how to donate to a soup kitchen another month when he asked me what to do with it and that was my suggestion. This month (he's out for extended period) he said "we" have to write a letter to decline the gift in the future. OK, maybe it's different for business gifts but I was taught you always graciously thank the person (and regift if you choose) but you don't refuse the gift. What do you think?
Robin_Abrahams: Wow. That seems like a seriously bad judgment call on his part. "Take back your fruit!" If you've got a good relationship with him, suggest this ... if you don't, well, it's his business relationship, let him dig his own fruitless grave. Whoever the client is won't hold it against *you*.
disciplinethemall__Guest_: Hi, what's the topic of today's chat?
Robin_Abrahams: Stuff. Mostly etiquette, social stuff, but you know, you can pretty much ask me anything. Are you "Discipline Them All" or "Discipline the Mall"? I kind of dig the Adbustery vibe of the latter.
Clueless__Guest_: Me again...I got cut off for some reason :( So, the office sent me flowers and I didn't know if I should have sent a thank you note or not...what is the proper thing to do? Thanks Robin.
Robin_Abrahams: Ah! Yes, a sincere TYN would be very nice. Or if there's regular staff meetings, bring cookies or something and thank everyone there for the flowers. But acknowledgment of some kind is important.
beans__Guest_: Regarding the question about restaurant tipping, when I was a waitress we gave a portion of our tips to the bartender. Although I'm not positive, I assume this is a common practice in the restaurant business. Therefore if you don't tip on the alcohol portion of your bill, your waiter pays the tip.
Robin_Abrahams: I believe you're right about that. And wait staff are taxed on tips, too, *whether they receive them or not*--the gov't assumes a certain level of tip-receiving. So do NOT stiff servers without extraordinarily good reason.
little_sister__Guest_: Re the shoe issue: we have lovely wood floors throughout our house. In the past, they have been nicked and otherwise damaged by guests who have worn stiletto or other hard heels. Now that we've had the floors refinished, my husband is adamant about asking guests to remove any potentially problematic shoes. I do try to warn guests ahead of time, and I did purchase a nice selection of slippers in various sizes to offer guests, but it still makes me uncomfortable!
Robin_Abrahams: It is awkward. You'll get used to it eventually. As has been noted, never force anyone--and it's unlikely that anyone with a foot issue is going to be wearing spike heels, so your floors should remain intact. (That said, trying to maintain the perfection of one's possessions is a losing game. If your husband seriously thinks he can keep the floors looking like they do today forever, try to gently disabuse him of this notion.)
CalJ__Guest_: Related to tipping, what if the service really stinks? I'd be inclined to tip exactly 15 percent and complain to management separately. But my husband thinks you should tip 10 percent or less to send a message you are unhappy. Which is better?
Robin_Abrahams: Your way. Undertip and the server will think YOU are a jerk, not that THEY might have been. It's human nature.
wowzer__Guest_: When you agree to do something with someone x times a week, for a time certain, and you make this limitation/expiration date clear - how are you to handle it when you have graciously allowed more time per week for now, yest still making it clear that it will be scaled back at the original expiration date but the other is not taking NO for an answer - arguing that it would be in your best interest to keep it up ? Although this is probably true, it is not such a priority to person A?
Robin_Abrahams: Hon, I have NO idea what you're talking about. I know you're trying not to out someone here, but maybe you should write missconduct@globe.com with some actual details. With the information you've given, I'd say, when the stop date comes, just stop. They don't have to take "no" for an answer because there is no question, really. You just do what you want. But I am really dancing in the dark here, so if you don't find that helpful, write me! (Letters can be anonymous, you know.)
MikeQ__Guest_: Tech glitch--sorry for the resend... Can you please give me general advice on first name/ full name/ title & last name usage? And specifically, at my private business club, the staff refers to me by my last name (I do like this, as it's a more formal environment). The thing is, they all have tasteful name tags with first name only. How shall I refer to them? And does it make a difference if they are staff (waitstaff, barstaff) or management (Director of Membership, etc.)? Thank you!
Robin_Abrahams: If their name tags have first name only, they're telling you that's how they want to be addressed. If management doesn't wear name tags, ask the other members what the protocol is, or just observe the customs of the native members ... MikeQ, Junior Anthropologist!
lille79__Guest_: hello?
Robin_Abrahams: Hello!
Clueless__Guest_: Hi again Robin. When you move to a new house/neighborhood, what is the appropriate way to introduce yourself to the new neighbors?
Robin_Abrahams: In my neighborhood, people DON'T. But it's nicer to do so. Lots of folks hate being dropped in on, though, so either catch them outside and introduce yourself (briefly!) or drop them a note. Maybe get it all over with at once and have an open house once you're reasonably settled. You may wind up introducing long-time residents to each other!
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: On the shoe thing - I think when you're having a party, the no shoe rule should go out the window. A person's shoes can make the outfit. I'll never forget that Sex and the City Episode where Carries loses her Manolos when she is forced to take them off at a party.
Robin_Abrahams: That's a good point--although, of course, that's exactly when householders are most going to want to enforce the no-shoe rule. I'm really of two minds on this issue! See the logic, hate the custom--also, I'd be pretty irritated at having to schlep around in my best LBD and little white SOCKS, but maybe if everyone is, it would be an icebreaker?
Carolyn__Cambridge__Guest_: Re your clothesline blog post--don't you wish for the day when home-buyers will resist, so covenants like that will drive DOWN the value of a house? Not sure it will ever happen...
Robin_Abrahams: I really should have opened that post up for comments, I've gotten a few e-mails on it, too (all pro-clothesline). It's such a classist thing in the US--people think of clothelines as white-trashy. But in Europe, they are *ubiquitous*. Could we maybe re-brand them as cool and European?
Robin_Abrahams: Well, that was fun! I had fun, anyway. Hope you all did, too! Happy Purim, and Happy Easter, and Happy Vernal Equinox (doesn't that sound like a good Batman villain? He'd wear a light-green suit and be a compulsive gardener ...), and drive safe in the sleet tonight, folks! See you all back here on April 2nd!
