watertownbabe__Guest_: Has this begun yet?
Robin_Abrahams: Yes it has! Afternoon, everyone! I'm having a pre-lunch snack (oh, the joys of hypoglycemia!) of carrots and hummus. Ever try that? They're good together. Anyway, this ain't the Food Network, this here's Social Situations Central! So what's on your minds, y'all?
Karen__Guest_: Could you please advise on proper etiquette regarding coughing in an office environment?
Robin_Abrahams: Cough as little as you can. If it's going to be a "productive" cough, step outside and hack up your furballs in the ladies' room. Cough into the crook of your arm and Purell FREQUENTLY and OSTENTATIOUSLY before touching anyone or any shared object. If you're going to be coughing a lot, send an e-mail around to your fellow cube farmers and let them know that you know it's annoying, and are grateful for their patience. If you do all of those you should get a good rep as the Courteous Cougher.
Terry_Francona__Guest_: What would be the best way to infrm my employer of my intentions to pursue graduate studies? I have recently enrolled in a graduate program that will ultimately take me out of the line of work that I am currently in. I would like to continue working full-time as long as possible before I begin with my studies, and perhaps even work part-time, but I also want to make sure I give my employer enough notice so as not to put them in a tough spot. I am enrolled in a summer course which will conflict with work on a few afternoons ... then I will be taking classes full-time in the fall. How should I approach this with my employer?
Robin_Abrahams: You could always use your real name to ask the question in a public forum, and hope that your bosses Google their employees from time to time! You sound organized and considerate; if your bosses are also organized and considerate, talk about your long-term plans when you discuss the upcoming summer conflicts. If, on the other hand, you don't trust them, then there's nothing wrong with looking after your own interests and keeping your plans under wraps as long as you can.
Carolyn__Cambridge__Guest_: Can you say more about breaking the Milo cycle? for oneself, a few deep breaths, but for others?
Robin_Abrahams: Hah! For those who don't read my blog, WHY DON'T YOU?--no, that's not what I meant to say. "Miloing out" is my new term for getting so stressed by a situation that you can't process it. I would say that you intervene in another person's Milo cycle the same way I intervene in Milo Dog's, with due adjustments to differences in species ... take a break, ask the other person to step out of the situation, give them something to rebuild their confidence and work off some energy. Like, if it's a stressed out kid, "Whew! I think maybe I'm pushing you too much on this. Sorry about that! Let's stop and take a few deep breaths together. [Do so.] I feel better now, do you? Let's [do some minor, kinda fun chore]--you're really good at that!"
zenit2k9__Guest_: You've talked about tipping - what's standard for tipping a cab driver? Does it change with the distance driven or perceived difficulty of the trip?
Robin_Abrahams: 15-20%, predicated on difficulty of drive and general courtesy and competence of cabbie. (I apparently got hit with the Alliteration Stick sometime this morning ...)
namu__Guest_: What do you think of a wedding gift that someone obviously regifted?
Robin_Abrahams: If regifting is obvious, ur doin it wrong. But that doesn't mean that you're allowed to "regift" a thank-you note (taking one that you've received, crossing out names and description of gift and replacing it with the correct info) ... tempting though it might be.
mml__Guest_: Is it ever too late to send thank you notes?
Robin_Abrahams: No!
cookie_queen__Guest_: What's a good response to intrusive questions from strangers or co-workers about a medical procedure? I had a bandage on my neck recently from a minor skin procedure and while it wasn't embarrassing to say what I had done, I was stunned at the number of people who simply said, "Hey! What happened to your neck?" and then made some dumb joke.
Robin_Abrahams: People shouldn't joke about others' injuries/medical conditions, but I cut people slack for just asking--chances are they're just worried. All they need to know is that you're okay and no one's beating on you (or sucking your blood at night). "Oh, just a minor medical thing," then change the subject, unless you're one of those folks who likes to talk about their medical things.
kc__Guest_: This question has a huge back story, which I will spare you from. But suffice to say that an aquaintance of mine, after a brief conversation about my children wanting to see a certain boy band in concert, went out an - according to his x wife - bought incredible expensive tickets and then gave them to me, with the stipulation that I also take one of his kids. The face value on the tickets was fairly low, and I had planned to get him a restaraunt gift card or the like as a thank you, but now that seems absolutely trivial. The whole thing is crazy, but I didn't know about the large payment until I was literally leaving for the show, with 4 kids in tow!! What to do...beyond the sincere t hank you I've already given him.....
Robin_Abrahams: Get him a small thank-you, as you were planning. Let him have the pleasure of being generous. Or, hey, maybe he figured the money was well spent if it meant HE didn't have to sit through some godawful boy band.
alex__Guest_: i hate it when people leave cell phones on the dinner table...some friends think im old fashioned or something, what do you think?
Robin_Abrahams: It's okay to do that if you're expecting an emergency or otherwise important call and let the other people know first. But it's very rude to keep a cell phone on when you're socializing with others (even though some of my friends do this to me and I haven't the guts to call them on it). Some people might leave a phone out because they use it instead of a watch, which is just one of those evolution-of-technology things that there's no point worrying about.
MissRemembered__Guest_: Good afternoon! A) I hear you on the carrots & hummus - had it yesterday. Try dipping grape tomatoes too! and B) I can attest to the benefit of the obvious application of Purell in this season of sickies. It comes in particularly handy (no pun intended) at Mass. I love seeing the look of relief on the faces of other churchgoers as I wipe my daughter's coughed-upon hands in Purell just before the sign-of-peace handshaking.
Robin_Abrahams: Nice advice! It's important to make your Purell application somewhat theatrical, because that way you don't just spare someone getting your cold, you spare them the WORRY that they're going to get your cold.
chins__Guest_: hi Robin. I have been asked to give a speech at a friend's wedding. Have never done it before... any tips on length of speech etc.? (other than the usual -- 'dont' talk about her past " and so on :).... formal? informal? chatty?
Robin_Abrahams: You want to do something that complements the overall spirit of the event. Talk to the maid of honor or best man. This person will have a sense of what the overall tone of the wedding is going to be (spiritual, romantic, lighthearted, nostalgic) and will be able to advise you. Three minutes tops for length. (Three minutes is longer than you think.)
robby__Guest_: What should you do if you invited people to a dinner party and you do not think they know how to dress appropriately?
Robin_Abrahams: Develop stronger boundaries about what is your responsibility and what isn't.
violet__Guest_: Hello there! Happy Wednesday! One of my dear cousins had a wedding this year, after already being married to the same person for one year in secret. They discovered they were having a baby only two weeks after the wedding. This question is on her behalf: What is the best way to answer the people who are shocked they are starting a family so soon? Many of us knew they were married, but many more did not, and are giving them a bit of grief. Thank you :O)
Robin_Abrahams: "I don't comment on your life choices, and I'd prefer you didn't comment on mine. Try these carrot sticks and hummus! They're delicious." Nobody is obliged to submit to a critique of their decisions about marriage and children.
Scott_F__Guest_: Hi Robin- I've a good friend- though only a friend for 1 1/2 years, and he always chews with his mouth open, making loud smacks, gurgles, etc. Yuck! He's an accomplished professional, otherwise very well mannered. How can I point this out to him without sounding like "Didn't your Mom teach you how to eat correctly?" preachy?
Robin_Abrahams: Since your friend is also male, you might try a slightly aggressive joking approach. (This may NOT work, I don't know the guy.) "Dude! Thanks for the view of already-been-chewed food! And could you turn down the audio while you're at it?" Sometimes making a joke of things helps the other person save face in a way that a sensitive, "Can I talk to you about something sort of embarrassing?" approach does not. But it really depends on the personalities involved.
inneedofhelp__Guest_: What is the proper way to ask a room of mingling guests at a business function to sit down at the table so the dinner may begin? Usually, I will start by introducing myself and then say some welcoming remarks about our honored guest, but I don't know exactly how I should ask them to sit down to the table. Thank you very much for your help.
Robin_Abrahams: "If everyone can please be seated, we'll move on to [dinner, the next portion of our evening, etc.]" When you're in charge, it's not rude to tell people what to do. They want to know!
MichaelR__Guest_: Hi. Miss Conduct. I live in a condo, and have an upstairs neighbor that runs the washing machine late at night (11PM). It can get pretty loud. I want to talk to her about it, but don't want to say something when I see her in passing, yet I don't want to march upstairs with this one point of discussion. Any Suggestions?
Robin_Abrahams: Why not say something in passing? "Oh hey, have you got a minute? I just wanted to mention--" Be friendly, act a little self-effacing, and maybe come up with some other, more positive, little conversational nugget so she'll know you're still on good terms. You should also ask her if she can hear any sounds from your place that she'd rather not.
Kat__Guest_: I live in townhouse with shared front steps. The other residents, a lovely elderly couple, are perfect neighbors in every way - yet every spring, without fail, out comes the plastic table with terribly faded and simply ugly silk flower arrangement on top. It's parked between our front doors and looks rediculous. Every year I try to get my whiskey barrel filled with (real) pansies out and in the table's designated spot but I'm always too late. It's there already this year! Since it's a shared stoop, can I do/say anything at all without hurting their feelings?
Robin_Abrahams: No. Let it go. They're old, it makes them happy, it's not hurting you or your property values in any way.
art__Guest_: My suggestion for robby would be to bring up the subject with the person in casual conversation such as, "I just picked up my husband's suit from the cleaners for the dinner party. I can't wait for you to see my new dress" or something like that. I remember attending a luncheon with my mother who was not dressed appropriately for the formality of the occasion, not having ever been to such an event, and she was mortified. I wish someone had warned her in advance (I was too young at the time to know better myself)
Robin_Abrahams: Well, there's two things. If you haven't clearly communicated the formality of the event, then it's on you to rectify that situation. If, on the other hand, you're a clear communicator and your friends are just terrible dressers, it's not your responsibility to correct their fashion sense.
kd__Guest_: I've noticed that a lot of take out places have a tip line on the credit card receipt. If you are doing carry out, is it necessary to include a tip?
Robin_Abrahams: It's not necessary, but if you're a regular customer it never hurts to do so as a goodwill gesture. I always leave a few dollars in the tip jar at our local pizza place, because I like our pizza guy and I value the sense of being part of a neighborhood with him and knowing that if, say, I realized I'd left my wallet in my other purse he'd give me the food anyway and trust me to come back later and pay.
AJ_2__Guest_: Thanks for all of your insightful information. Is there a difference between 'excuse me' and 'pardon me'? When would it be applicable to use one rather than the other? Thank you!
Robin_Abrahams: I answered this in the March 30 column, which is online. But since I have you all here, do any of you have a sense of regional differences around this? I always say "excuse me" and I'm Midwestern.
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: Robin - I have your "Pseudonachos" for lunch today. Delish! Keep blogging your recipes.
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: Oh - and on hummus - my kids bring hummus & cheese sandwiches to school. They love them, the teachers think I'm a nutritional genius, and I am abiding by the "no peanut" rule.
Robin_Abrahams: Wait till the chickpea allergy epidemic hits, see how much love you get then! That does sound good, though. I love inventing nutritious dishes--I'd love to do a "Cooking with Miss Conduct" night at a local Trader Joe's, so if any of you know anyone in TJ's marketing, drop me an e-mail!
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: Robin - What's your take on the destination wedding craze? My guess is you're going to say that it's up to the bride & groom to do what they want. At our extended family Easter gathering, my cousin (age 30) announced his upcoming nuptials like this, "Hey everybody! I have an announcement to make. My betrothed and I are getting married in June 09 and you're all invited! We're getting married in the Bahamas." My family is quite traditional and my grandmother quipped back with, "So, will you be paying for all of us to attend?"
Robin_Abrahams: I'm with grandma! Destination weddings are fine if that's what you want, but people who have them ought to realize that they're going to get much lower attendance--and cheaper gifts!--than they would otherwise, and not sulk about that. Why can't people have local weddings and destination honeymoons like they used to?
Robin_Abrahams: Hmmm, no more questions! I can't keep just tete-a-teteing with Mansfield Mom, here. Have any of you seen the McCain Girls "Raining McCain" video? Go to YouTube and check it out if you haven't ... it's ... well. I still can't figure out if it's really good satire or really bad reality. Does anyone else have that problem these days?
AJ_2__Guest_: Sorry for the repeat question - I missed the answer in the March 30 column. I pretty much always say excuse me and I am from this regional area.
Carolyn__Cambridge__Guest_: I think 'Excuse me' is gaining ground on "Pardon me" in general, over time. (look at movies from the forties.) Tangentially, I come from the south, where "I beg your pardon" has at least a dozen different senses, depending on tone and context.
Robin_Abrahams: That's very funny. Someone--was it you?--e-mailed me or commented in the infamous "ma'am" thread about how "ma'am" and "sir" in the South have multiple meanings, as well ("Yes, I will"; "I'm sorry, can you repeat yourself"; "May I have your attention," etc.)
junda__Guest_: how do you handle yard sale gifts given to grandchildren by grandparents....kids are getting older and are getting frustrated at birthday time when they open a beanie baby from 1999
Robin_Abrahams: Time for them to learn how to behave like adults rather than children! It's the kids whose behavior needs to be managed in this situation, not the grandparents.
AJ_2__Guest_: I also send my daughter to school with hummus and carrots. She also brings frozen peas, which are not frozen by the time she eats them. The other mothers have actually thanked me because their kids have asked to bring them now.
Robin_Abrahams: Wow, you can MAKE CHILDREN ASK TO EAT PEAS? You clearly have powers beyond those of mortals. That's it, I'm turning my column over to you. Please e-mail my editor and inform her of the change.
junda__Guest_: they are 7, 5 and 4.....tehy really need to be adults? They have given their wishes and get dollar store and moth ball smelling items
Robin_Abrahams: So they are being taught that "giving" means that they demand what they want, and if the forthcoming booty displeases them and is not in line with their demands, an expression of that displeasure is appropriate? I. Don't. Think. So.
laverne__Guest_: I just joined to check out the chatter. My daughter (18) and I really enjoy your column on Sundays - it's the first thing she reads when she gets up!
Robin_Abrahams: Yay, people under 40 still read the newspaper! This is the best news I've heard all day. Seriously, thank you for your kind words, and tell your daughter that I always love getting questions from teen and college-aged readers, so write in sometime!
emmcat__Guest_: I had a birthday party -invited 30 women to a local yacht for a pot luck brunch. In terms of Thank-You's, do I send cards, email or phone calls? some people brought gifts, some food... what's correct here and how much time do I have to deliver my Thank-You's?
Robin_Abrahams: If it was a potluck, then you don't have to thank people specifically for bringing food--that was the plan all along. For prezzies I think a sincere phone call or e-mail would be fine among close friends, if they're an informal group.
Robin_Abrahams: And that, mes amis, is that! Great chat today, you all--thanks for participating! The transcript will be online at my blog (boston.com/missconduct) shortly, and I'll open the post up for comments, so we can keep the conversation going if you like. Have a great day!
