Robin_Abrahams: Howdy, everyone! I have my carrots & hummus and am ready to roll. Are you? Let's see!
KathMV__Guest_: Hi! We have a wedding in 2 weeks - it's at 3pm at a Catholic church in Boston and the reception is not until 6 pm, at the Taj (former Ritz) - and it's "Black Tie" -- Do we need to find a place to change in between and wear church clothes to the ceremony and evening wear to the reception? THANKS!
Robin_Abrahams: Hmmm! This sounds like somewhat bad planning to me. I think you should call the best man or maid of honor, and ask them what logistical advice they're offering. Going home and changing might work for out-of-towners staying at the Ritz (or elsewhere downtown) but could be tricky if you live in Lexington.
gr__Guest_: i
Robin_Abrahams: u
NS_Gal__Guest_: Hello Robin. A neighbor on my street thinks that everyone else's property belongs to them in some form of entitlement. They have a 3 car driveway plus the street in front of their home. From when I moved in 8 years ago at some point I come home to find one of their vehicles or that of a visitor parked in my driveway. Not in front of, but right IN my driveway. They have even done this when I am home. Even though I have asked them each and every time to not do that, they do it any way. My next door neighbor just moved on Friday and I noticed the very next day they parked one of their vehicles in the driveway even though it now belongs to the new owner. They are rude, inconsiderate and do as they please. They have told contactors doing work at their home to park in my driveway during the day so I get the lunch trash, cigarette butts and loose nails. What other recourse do I have without going legal on them or moving?
Robin_Abrahams: What's your objection to calling the cops? You've told them often enough. Tell them that the next time they are on your property without permission, you will call the police and report trespassing. You might want to inform the other neighbors of this, since it's an issue for more than just you, and encourage them to do likewise.
Robin_Abrahams: No questions coming in as yet--this might be a good time to remind you all about the "Dine & Dish" event I'm doing this Friday at Rendezvous in Central Square. You can check my blog for details -- boston.com/missconduct. It should be a fun event. I look forward to meeting some of my regular chatters and learning the faces behind the login handles!
Kitty__Guest_: A good friend is getting married this August. She has said that she would like the bridal party to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Several of her bridesmaids are very offended by this, including me. It isn't common for the guests to pay for their portion of the rehearsal dinner, is it? How should we bring up the issue with the bride without upsetting her?
Robin_Abrahams: Thesis + antithesis --> synthesis: weddings + obnoxious entitled people --> obnoxious entitled people getting married! How pleasing to my sense of dialectical symmetry. No, bridal party members do not pay for the rehearsal dinner. Talk to her and let her know that this is out of line, and that she's offended some folks already and you're trying to save her from offending more. Couch it in nice terms--"I know wedding planning is crazy, you've got a million things on your mind, BUT ..." but don't worry if she gets upset. She probably will, but you all already are, so why is it so much worse to upset her?
Stretchie__Guest_: How pregnant do you have to be before someone offers you a seat on the T? I am 38 weeks and people always pretend that they're absolutely engrossed in their newspapers or fake sleeping. I haven't had to ask for a seat yet but I will soon! I know that everyone in the train will turn to stare when I ask and that's what's been preventing me. I sort of feel like at this point most people know that I'm carrying around 30 extra pounds and exhausted all the time. Or maybe I'm just a wimp...
Robin_Abrahams: People don't offer pregnant women seats on the T anymore, because some of them (non-pregnant seat-holders, I mean) are boors and some of them once thought a woman was pregnant who wasn't and are scarred for life. So just ask for a seat. So what if people look at you? In five years or so you'll learn that "Mom, make him quit LOOKING at me" is the most annoying phrase in the world, so you may as well expunge it from your own mind now!
NS_Gal__Guest_: Hello, I am the person with the rude enighbors. I have discussed this matter with the police who were quite surprised by this behavior and suggested I put up a PRIVATE DRIVEWAY sign , as if they don't know and like that's going to stop them. Perhaps the next time I should call a tow truck.?
Robin_Abrahams: Go ahead and put up the sign, it's legal coverage for you. Talk to the police again--what the hell, police being "surprised" by someone's bad behavior? That's weird. One thought cops were rather inured to the notion that people occasionally do the wrong thing. And talk to a lawyer before you call a tow truck. But I do think you have to take legal action.
chins__Guest_: hi Robin. sigghhh in advance ;) -- this is a broad question. How do you handle work place "behind-the-scenes" plotting and decision making that affects us? I know "be pleasant to all" etc is the rule... but how does one confront (or not?) and stand up for one's rights? Or, is it too much to hope for fair, just and ethical treatment? and just move on? as I said, I know it is too broad, but just wondered if letting go is the only option I have. thx.
Robin_Abrahams: Well, this is all rather vague, as you know, so I'll do the best I can. Standing up for your rights in a pleasant but non-negotiable tone is an excellent technique. Don't get hostile or defensive, just matter of fact. Some degree of office politics is a fact of life, but if you're really in a toxic environment, look elsewhere. Check your gut instincts. Are you just annoyed a fair amount of the time? Then develop your boundary-drawing skills and practice meditation or take a brisk walk every day at lunch. (Don't try to handle the problem with coffee and pastries, like I did when I was in that position years ago. It's a quick fix, but ultimately having volatile blood sugar levels makes you less able to cope with stress.) If you feel physically ill at the idea of going in to work every day, GET OUT.
NS_Gal__Guest_: It's a tiny little town and everyone knows everyone so cops were surprised by the behavior of these particular well known people...though none of their neighbors are. Thanks for the encouragement. I will put that sign up!
Robin_Abrahams: Oh, okay. I was writing all this sketch comedy in my head about the Police Force of Naive Idealistan ... "What, you mean some actually *entered your dwelling* in your absence and *removed your money and jewelry*? Why, I have never heard of such a thing! What bizarre action might this be?" Maybe, then, get some of the other neighbors to put up PD signs and call the cops, as well, to alert the force as to what's going on.
aaaaa__Guest_: re: pregnant ladies on the T. I am always afraid to offer a seat to a woman with a large stomach, because I really can't tell if she is pregnant or not (I will get up for someone who is obviously pregnant, but there are many borderline cases). I would prefer for her to ask for a seat. I won't give any dirty looks to someone who politely says "Excuse me, I am pregnant and could really use a seat. Would you mind?" especially if it is directed to someone in the "offer this seat to handicapped and elderly" seat.
Robin_Abrahams: Srsly. I probably would offer a seat to a woman who looked really pregnant, but dang, having ONCE made the wrong call on that ("And you're having a second!" I happily chirped; "Nope, just haven't lost the weight from the first," she flatly replied) I understand the horror.
loveydove__Guest_: i didn't send out thank yous for my daughter's birthday - early february! it is mid april! too late to send?! ugh. thx.
Robin_Abrahams: Never too late! Though you will have to explain your delay, either with an honest apology or a face-saving "Whoops can't believe I found these under a pile of magazines, thought I sent them two months ago!" that no one will believe.
chick__Guest_: Speaking of neighbors, I have one that lets her dog out at 11:00 PM, and again at 6:30 AM, and it barks and whines, is that acceptable? I don't know them because they live on the street behind me, how should I handle this?
Robin_Abrahams: Some degree of barking and whining is; when we choose to live in neighborhoods, we accept that we will hear barking dogs, shouting children, secondhand music occasionally. What's reasonable depends on how long the noise goes on and what time of day it is. If it's going on for 20 minutes or more, then I think you should say something.
Dixiebelle__Guest_: Any idea why people refuse to put shopping carts back in the corrals at the grocery and shopping centers. Often the corral is only a few feet away. How can we change this bad habit lots of people have? Thanks.
Robin_Abrahams: We can't. People do that because they assume that it's part of the job of the grocery clerks to "clean up" the parking lot, and because they want to get home before the ice cream melts.
mmmz: Offering a seat on the T - tough call. I was asked when I was "due" and, you guessed it, I was not pregnant. I got rid of the dress I was wearing. Oh, now that I think about it, it happened another time too, got rid of that one as well. HOwever, not all manners are gone - jsut the other night I watched a young man, maybe 20s, with his father coming home from the Bruins game, casually get up and give his seat to a woman who had just boarded to train. She was tiny actually, but a bit old. He did it just like it was the natural thing to do. Good for him and his Dad!
Robin_Abrahams: That is nice. I've got a question from a reader that I'll blog in a couple of days, because I want feedback on it--when do you offer an older person a seat on the T? I mean, there's old and then there's kinda old, and you don't want to offend. Also, how might older men feel about having a woman offer them a seat? Often some old dude boards the subway and I'm the only one who gets up, but I never know if that's emasculating for someone raised with more traditional gender roles, as your old dudes are likely to have been. Thoughts?
moonshot99__Guest_: My partner of 15 years and I are getting married in September. Both set of parents are not what you would call excited as it is a same gender marriage and the comfort level is not there. Niether set of parents is making any financial contribution to us for the wedding, although they are invited. Our plan was to have the rehersal dinner for just the wedding party only and not include the parents. However my partner recieved a substantial financial gift from an aunt. Do we invite her to the rehersal dinner or do we acknowledge her in another way at the wedding? We have already sent a thank you note.
Robin_Abrahams: I wouldn't include the aunt, necessarily, as that kind of makes it seem like you can buy your way in to the dinner. She's not a member of the wedding party, is she? Traditionally, rehearsal dinners are wedding party, immediate family, and (good practice) out-of-towners. If she's in none of those groups, don't extend an invitation. Take her out to dinner or something after the wedding, and let her know that her support--regardless of the money--was a great gift to you. (And mazel tov on the upcoming nups! I'm chairing a panel on gay marriage at the Peabody-Essex Museum on June 26--more info will be posted at my blog as the date draws closer.)
Stretchie__Guest_: I feel like it's better to TRY to do the right thing and offer someone a seat and get turned down than do nothing.
Robin_Abrahams: I can see that. Sometimes if I'm not entirely sure if I might offend someone I'll just get up and move with my book closer to the door, like I've got a stop coming up.
Robin_Abrahams: No questions, so my turn: anyone got a high-school reunion coming up this summer? What are your hopes and fears for it? Any good tales of reunions past to share? (I've got one from Mr. Improbable's 30th, but seeing as how you all are anonymous and I ain't, I'm not telling!)
mo_2__Guest_: In'laws question: how do you politely get across to your m-i-l that you can not be at every extended family event (we could easily spend every weekend at such events)
Robin_Abrahams: "Sorry, next weekend isn't going to work for us! See you on the [insert date here]." She doesn't have to understand. Don't give her reasons or excuses, she'll argue with those. Keep repeating the phrase above and changing the subject. Let her be unhappy about it if she wants to be; she's entitled, same as you're entitled to have weekends to yourself now and then.
mo__Guest_: When I first moved into my own condo last summer, after a divorce, I was bored and lonely at home on a Saturday night and decided to treat myself to dinner. I went to a nice restaurant and sat at the bar with the newspaper and enjoyed a glass of wine and a lovely dinner. While I was out to dinner with my parents the other night, I told my mother the story and she was horrified that I did that. Is it inappropriate for a single 30-something woman to go out by herself on a weekend night? I'm horrified to think that I have the wrong idea to people who saw me there.
Robin_Abrahams: No, this is the 21st century, women are allowed to go out in public without a chaperone! Anyone to whom you might have given the "wrong idea" is a gender-roles Neanderthal who has enough wrong ideas already that one more won't really matter. And good for you for being comfortable enough in your own company to do that!
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: My 20th reunion is this summer. I'm on on the committee. I'm a little nervous about it.
Robin_Abrahams: 20th is fun, from what I've heard. Everyone is somewhat over the competition thing by then. But planning *any* event is stressful, so you've got my sympathies. If you're having a DJ, are they going to play contemporary music, or music from the late '80s? I was disappointed at my 10th that I didn't get to dance to all the old tunes I loved in HS ... (Men at Work, Cyndi Lauper--yeah baby!)
chatner__Guest_: HS reunions -- I got voted "most changed" at my 10 year. Lovely. Sure I'm hypersensitive, but there's really only two ways to take that... You were horrible 10 years ago and wonderful/beautiful now (or) you were gorgeous then, but dang what happened to you in the meantime? Please, reunion planners -- don't go there!
Robin_Abrahams: Ooooooooooooooooooooooh.
loveydove__Guest_: u rock
Robin_Abrahams: u 2
js__Guest_: Quick question. Recently my husband and I had a party celebrating his 30th birthday. Several guests RSVPed but then did not show. I was very frustrated with the rudeness. Would there be an appropriate response or should I ignore their actions?
Robin_Abrahams: You could do the sort of passive-aggressive thing about "OMG we were so WORRIED about you! What happened that you couldn't come?" But people are just awful about that. I keep meaning to use my social-science training to figure out what the correlational coefficient is between RSVPs and who actually shows up.
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: Chatner - I'm looking for categories that won't offend. Like "traveled the farthest to get here". Any suggestions.
Robin_Abrahams: Good question--when I post this chat on my blog, I'll leave it open for comments, MM, so maybe you'll get some more answers there.
chatner__Guest_: yeah, we had that one, too, MM -- problem was, the MC had no idea how US geography worked. It's a good one, just bone up on your geo!
Robin_Abrahams: Hah! Well, that would have been a good call to roast your school's geography teacher ... It's always hard with these things, because generic is boring but *too* interesting and you might offend ...
Dixiebelle__Guest_: youngests grandma, oldest mom is always available for the reunion
Robin_Abrahams: Good call, also can be Youngest granddad and Oldest first-time dad (you mean oldest first-time mom, right? 'cause everyone will be the same age). I was youngest divorcee at my 10 year, glad they didn't give a plaque for that!
chatner__Guest_: Another good reunion category could be: "Most unexpected career choice" and make it a self nominating category. That way if Joe the Jock wants to put in that he became an OB/GYN, he's setting himself up and not the other way around.
Robin_Abrahams: VERY good call. I like the self-nominating idea. Then everyone else can vote, and people who would prefer their life choices remain unevaluated by their peer group can abstain from putting their names up.
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: We're having a daytime event at a place that has a pool. Families are invited to that. All I can say is thank God for husbands who will go in the pool with my 2 year old & 4 year old. I don't want to be flashing this 20 year older body, and I'm an aerobics instructor. Night time event is at a waterplace restaurant. I tried to keep it nice, but no so nice that "Joe the Plumber" who graduated in 1988 won't feel uncomfortable. Most of the planners are the college-educated bunch and I think everyone should feel welcome.
Robin_Abrahams: Good. For. You. The thing to be proud of at your HS reunion is how much you've MATURED since then, not how much more money you make! And hey, wear the swimsuit, and do it without a lot of "oh I look so awful" body-hate talk. It'll give everyone else with "imperfect" bodies permission to have fun, as well.
Robin_Abrahams: And that's it for today! I'll post the transcript of the chat on my blog and leave comments open for those of you who want to keep the conversation going. Have a great day, everyone!
