July 16, 2008
Robin_Abrahams: Hello, everyone! My it's been a while since we've had a good chat, hasn't it? On July 2 I was out of town, and the one before that was the day after the Celtics won and that coverage squeezed the chats off the boston.com homepage. So let's make up for it today! It's too hot and ultra-violety to go outside anyway, get an iced beverage and settle in with me and we'll solve the world's problems ...
cycla__Guest_: Hi Miss Conduct -- I hope you are enjoying this beautiful weather! My husband and I are recreational/weekend cyclists. On our rides, we sometimes pass benches that homeowners have placed at the edges of their property, near the road or sidewalk. These benches are inviting spots to stop to rest for a bit, and perhaps even eat a snack that we've carried along. Do you think it's OK to do so? We would, of course, not litter, or overstay our welcome.
Robin_Abrahams: Your hopes are dashed. The Milo and I don't care for hot weather! I'll be heading downstairs to the one air-conditioned room in the house as soon as the chat's done (the cruel dilemma of our apartment is that I must choose between a/c and internet access! Oh, the humanity!) Anyway, to your question, it seems to me that if a person puts a road-facing bench at the very edge of their property, they are rather inviting people to use it. It's not like you're taking up residence on their front porch. But that's just me--any bench-owners care to weigh in on this?
soxfan__Guest_: Not an etiquette question, but how did your Clerihew contest go?
Robin_Abrahams: It went awesome, thanks for asking! People sent in tons of entries, many of which were really good. The landslide winner was "Tim Berners-Lee/Invented HTTP/Thus the World Wide Web was born/For Nigerian Diplomats and porn." Someone even sent in a memorial Clerihew for a relative who had just passed away, which was sweet and strange and funny.
Pat__Guest_: Robin - As a 21 year old, how should I address parents of friends/girlfriend? First name? Mr/Mrs?
Robin_Abrahams: Well, Pat, I'm old enough to be the mother of a friend or girlfriend, and you just called me by my first name ... ;-> Most people are first-namers these days, esp. in the Northeast. And a 21-year-old is an adult. (And there's the complication that being called Mr./Mrs. by someone old enough to drink can make the person you address thus feel not honored, but OLD. In a bad way.) I'd firstname, but maybe check with your friends before you meet their folks? There are geographical and cultural differences around this.
invited__Guest_: Hi MC..Do I have to send a gift for every wedding invite I recieve regardless of how well we know them?
Robin_Abrahams: Whoops, posted the Q but not the A. Anyway, the A is no, you don't. Wedding invites aren't solicitations. Some people think they are, but that's their problem. You MUST, however, RSVP and as promptly as possible.
mustlovedogs__Guest_: Really loved your piece on singing to your pets. What do you say to people who make fun of you for doing so?
Robin_Abrahams: Gosh, no one has! I think it's pretty silly myself, so I'd probably laugh along with them if they did. If anyone was actually mean to me I'd probably tell them that Milo is very protective of his pack and bites people who aren't nice to me ... anyone who would make fun of someone for loving her dog wouldn't know enough about dogs to read his completely harmless/submissive body language correctly!
marci__Guest_: Hi! A friend of mine has indicated she may not be able to come to my wedding. Is it rude to invite her anyway? I want her to know she's wanted, should she change her mind.
Robin_Abrahams: I think it's sweet! Besides she might want to see what the invite looks like (they're so creative these days!). Follow up with a phone call, or enclose a note, letting her know that you know she can't make it but that she's welcome if circumstances change.
Robin_Abrahams: So, here's my question to all of you--WHY do I get so many wedding questions? What is it about weddings that is so problematic and confusing? I'm not criticizing, I'm just curious. Is it because of the diversity of traditions out there, that there used to be just one kind of wedding and now it's all up to the individual? Are etiquette experts giving contradictory advice? Is it that you never wind up going to enough weddings to feel "expert" on them (compared, say, to dinner parties)? What's up w/wedding tsuris?
cycla_2__Guest_: Another question about private/public spaces. On my walk during lunch every day, I pass one of those community gardens with sections planted and cared for by individuals. The entire garden has a fence around it (with an unlocked gate), and some of the individual plots are also fenced off. If I'm not a member of the community garden, is it OK for me to go into it? There are no rules posted that I can see, but there are some beautiful roses that are just screaming to be smelled.
Robin_Abrahams: If the gate's unlocked and there are no rules posted, it seems to me you should be able to go in. (My, I'm empowering you to go where you like ... I'm not going to find you luxuriating in my air-conditioned batcave after the chat, am I?) It sounds like you're passing the same one every day, though, so you might want to call the city or look the regs up online. I know the one in my neighborhood lets non-members in as long as they stay to the paths, don't molest the plants, and don't bring pets in.
mustlovedogs__Guest_: Maybe it's all the wedding comedies out there (you know, the ones where things go horribly wrong)!
luncher__Guest_: One thing could because people don't want to do anything to upset people on their special day because they remember their own being stressful yet joful at the same time?
Robin_Abrahams: Good points ... you really do want to do right by friends/relatives at their wedding.
amcpnd__Guest_: I have been to quite a few weddings but always as a family member or when I was younger. This will be my first 'friend' wedding and one I just happen to be in so I do not know all the rules
Robin_Abrahams: And the "rules" differ for each one, too. Hence check a few guides but primarily, talk to the bride or groom whom you're supporting about what their expectations are.
luncher__Guest_: and maybe also because attending weddings can be stressful too sometimes. I've gone to a few destination weddings and wonder things like "so I just paid for all this travel, do I risk giving a lesser present?"
Robin_Abrahams: Destination weddings strike me as a really bad idea in most cases. Of course, another issue is that people move so much these days, there's a good chance that a significant percentage of your friends/family don't live near you anyway, thus making your "at home" wedding a "destination" event for them. So holding the wedding where no one lives might seem like fairer distribution of inconvenience.
Robin_Abrahams: Personally, I'm somewhat anti-wedding. I've thought about writing a book someday called "Marriage is a Blessing, Weddings Are a Curse." Mr. Improbable and I more or less eloped! (We told people, so the secrecy part wasn't there, but we just headed off to Montpelier on our own one weekend and got married by a JP.) Never regretted it once.
Shelley__Guest_: Whatever happened to people covering their mouths when they yawn in public?
Robin_Abrahams: Who knows, but what I like best are the excellent faces people make when they're trying to suppress a yawn. Did you know that the contagion of yawns is a topic of interest in psychology? I'm not sure what the findings are but I do know people study that.
Superali72__Guest_: I received an invitation to a 1st birthday for my neice. The invitation noted that there was a 1st birthday wishlist on-line with a department store? I thought that was rude. Am I wrong?
Robin_Abrahams: It is rude, but it's usually well-meant as a convenience to the guests. People without children, or without young children, or with children of a different gender, might find it difficult to shop. So it's not something I can get too worked up about. You don't have to get something off the list if you don't want to, though.
Shelley__Guest_: I enjoy your colum. Another manners pet peeve: people who eat while grocery shopping then hand the empty wrapper/bag/bottle to the cashier.
Robin_Abrahams: It would be rather nice, as a society, if we could debunk the idea that multitasking is an inherent good.
Robin_Abrahams: So, speaking of multitasking, I just Googled this fun article on yawn contagion from the New York Times: http://www.nasw.org/users/skloot/Yawning.htm. How fun would it be to say, when someone asks what you do, "I put people in an MRI machine and scan their brains while they yawn?" How many of you want to yawn RIGHT NOW? I do.
___Guest_: I am at wits end. I applied for a position at another company within the same industry recently. I was called in for an interview and a day before the interview someone (busybody) called a colleague and said that I had applied there and was being interviewed! Of course, I ended up cancelling the interview. Who wants to work in a place that is that uncooth? My question is, should I speak to the HR people where I applied and let them know what happened?
Robin_Abrahams: I think you should, because otherwise they won't know why you cancelled the interview. And if it's an attractive position, I don't think you should let one irritating person dissuade you from going for the job. Look, EVERY office has one; if you got this job, you'd at least know who it is right from the start.
Robin_Abrahams: Just a little anecdote from my day ... I was at the gym this morning, which on a hot day requires a LOT of motivation. A woman in the locker room was mentioning to a friend that she found the class they'd just gotten out of very challenging. I said something encouraging to her and she told me she was 83! She looked about 70, truly. I will remember her the next time I don't feel like going--if regular gym attendance can do for me what it did for her, I want some! Find your own inspiration at the gym if you can ... it's always the older people for me. I'm not getting my 20-year-old body back no matter how many crunches I do, but with luck and work maybe *I* can be a kick-butt 83-year-old someday!
Shelley__Guest_: Funny yawning link. I must be having a low empathy day; no contagion for me.
Robin_Abrahams: Maybe it takes seeing someone in person rather than just thinking about it for you.
Carolyn__Cambridge__Guest_: That's great to hear--what's your favorite kind of class?
Robin_Abrahams: Pilates, and I do a lot of free weights and cardio machines. There was some good research a couple of years back showing--which is common sense, really, but people don't think about it--that you'll stick with an exercise program better if it works with your personality type. I don't like to go clubbing at night, so why would I like to jump around to techno music at the gym during the day? If you're a quiet, contemplative person, do Pilates, yoga, weights--if you're outdoorsy, hike and kayak--if you're extroverted and high-energy, do bouncy dance classes.
furz__Guest_: I feel that we ask so many questions about etiquette at weddings because it is one of the few times that people actually WANT to follow the etiquette rules- or perhaps we don't have as many formal social activities anymore?
Robin_Abrahams: You know, I think that's a really good point!
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: For me it's Madonna. Every time I'm ready to accept my abs the way they are, because, hey, I'm 38 years old, I just look at Madonna.
Robin_Abrahams: Yeah, but it's her JOB to look like that, so don't be too hard on yourself if you don't measure up! There's a great line in "Our Town" in which Emily is asking her mother if she's pretty and her mother says, "You're pretty enough for all normal purposes." I love that line! My abs are defined enough for all normal purposes.
allstonian__Guest_: Hi - in one of your blog posts you said that retractable dog leashes are evil. Always? I use one, but I'm vigilant about other folks on the street, passing dogs, skateboarders and so on, and am careful to rein her in if I think she's likely to go lunging. In fact, I can't see how it would be easier to shorten her tether with a regular leash. Why are retractable leashes so universally hated?
Robin_Abrahams: Because they're really dangerous. If one gets wrapped around something--like a person's leg or another dog's throat or your finger--serious injury can ensue. Also, maybe you've found a better brand than I ever did, but many/most of them don't actually retract at the push of a button--you need the dog's cooperation to get them reeled back in. I have a 20' canvas leash that I use sometimes, and I can just rope Milo back in like a little steer if I need to. I have total control over it; I'm not sharing control with him or with a mechanical, uh, mechanism. (Bad endgame on that sentence. Oh well.)
Carolyn__Cambridge__Guest_: As I recall, Emily's not so thrilled with it as an answer, but then, she's 16. Now I see the mother's side much more.
Robin_Abrahams: Ah, yes!
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: Any etiquette/social tips for my 20th high school reunion this weekend?
Robin_Abrahams: Don't look shocked or surprised by ANYTHING. If people have changed (physically, professionally, whatever) for the worse, they'll feel bad if you notice it. If they've changed for the better, they don't want to be confronted by the low opinion you had of them before! And encourage the organizers to insist on nametags. And have fun! (And "all normal purposes" does NOT include a 20-year-reunion, so if investing in some shapewear or a makeover would improve your outlook, go for it!)
kb__Guest_: Speaking of kids & b-day parties, I'd like to let our guests know they don't need to bring gifts and I *know* that it's rude to assume they will, etc. etc. but since they probably will if I don't tell them not to do so, how can I best word this on the invitation?
Robin_Abrahams: "No gifts please" is fine these days. Miss Manners disagrees, but she's in the minority, and probably not on your guest list. Or "in lieu of gifts, donations of outgrown clothes and books for X charity" is also nice, and if your kid is of a cognizant age, that's a good way to teach them about the joy of giving. I phrased it kind of awkwardly but you get the idea.
allstonian__Guest_: Good to know - I haven't run into problems, I think mostly because as I say Pip is rarely at the end of her lead and I keep it under control all the time. I think her behavior also makes it easier - she doesn't run out ahead of me much at all, but prefers to putter along smelling everything.
Robin_Abrahams: They're okay for really well-trained dogs. But a lot of people use them with dogs that aren't reliable. I would never trust Milo on a retractable lead, he's just too, well, squirrelly in every sense of the word!
Mansfield_Mom__Guest_: I am the name tag maker for this event! I insisted on it b/c I was afraid I would not recognize some people. And my dress is fabulous - a total splurge from Nordstrom.
Robin_Abrahams: See, you've got it covered! I hate name tags aesthetically and I'm sure you don't *really* want one on your beautiful Nordstrom's dress. But they are invaluable for avoiding those embarrassing moments.
furz__Guest_: We went to a children's party where each child eas asked to bring a book, then they had a big "present exchange" so every child got to unwrap a book and take it home- and it becomes the party favor too!
Robin_Abrahams: Hey, I like that!
Robin_Abrahams: And that's that, folks! Thank you all for making it a really fun chat. The next one is August 6, so I hope to see you all there! Stay cool!
