The perils of 'mommy dating'

Little kids do it all the time. So why is it so nerve-racking for mothers to make new friends?

''I don't know where the apprehension comes from,'' Kristin Walters (right, hugging her friend Eleanor Bertrand) says of meeting other moms. (Erik Jacobs for the Boston Globe)

Karen Garb was downright giddy. The Newton woman -- a happily married mother of two grade-schoolers -- had just Met Someone. Another married mom. "She seems really nice," Garb, 44, gushed. The two chatted while their kids were at Sunday school, Garb explained, and exchanged e-mail addresses.

"But I'm going to wait a few days to get in touch," Garb said. "I don't want to seem like a dork."

Sure, it's only "mommy dating" -- the platonic-relationship tango that takes place at kiddie music classes, on the sidelines of soccer games, and at preschool drop-offs. But for those doing the dance, it can be as stressful as the real thing. This time of year, mothers are courting other moms they've just met with the emotional intensity and fervor they once poured into romantic dating.

As Kristin Walters, 39, a South End mother of an infant, put it: "There's that same feeling of nervousness."

With their kids leading them into new social scenes, many mothers say they feel as insecure approaching other mothers and forming new friendships as they did when they were on the singles' scene. Making matters more dicey? This time around they've not only got themselves to worry about, but their smaller-halves, too. It's not enough to hit it off with another mommy; ideally, the kids also need to like each other. If all goes well, a tentative relationship forms, husbands or partners are brought into the mix, and dinner party or movie night invitations hastily (and happily) extended.

But how to get there? Alas, there are no guidebooks for the confused, no "Ava's Mom's Just Not That Into You" or "Playdating for Dummies." And that leaves women on their own to figure out major mommy-dating issues such as: Does she really like me, or is she using me for the playroom in my basement? What if I like her, but her kid's a bully? How do I handle my jealousy if she meets someone new?

And, the biggie: How do I ask another mom out? (Yes, some dads engage in friendly daddy dating, either with other dads or mothers, but for the most part, moms are the ones pairing up.) Some moms go through the kids. As in: "Does Matthew want to come over and play with Will?" But that ploy doesn't work when the children are infants, so a more direct approach is needed. When Allison Estell's daughter was an infant, Estell hit on another mother in the diaper-bag section of her local toy store.

"They've got more colors [at another store]," Estell, 37, of Brookline, said suavely. The two talked for an hour, and have since become very close friends. "It was instant mommy-dating love," Estell said.

But the object of Estell's affection recalls a slightly bumpier beginning.

"When she approached me she was very excited," Lori Brown recalled of that meeting over four years ago. "I was a little taken aback." But the two chatted about nursing and sleeping issues and soon Brown relaxed. Brown and her family have since moved to Alabama, and now the two are in a strong long-distance relationship.

"Allison is one of the best things that's happened to me since becoming a parent," Brown said. "She's my sanity," Estell noted.

Still, even as they report feeling shy about trying to initiate new friendships with other moms, many women say they don't understand why they care so much. "I don't know where the apprehension comes from," says Walters, the South End mother. "We're all women in the same boat."

Nancy Holtzman, director of early parenting programs for Isis Maternity, a local chain that offers parenting classes and products, attributes insecurity to the illusion that everyone else has it together. "There's the anxiety of not wanting to seem vulnerable or needy or to put yourself out there only to get shot down," Holtzman said.

Katherine Stewart, author of two witty novels that dissect relationships among mothers, "Class Mothers" and "The Yoga Mamas," says she's glad she made friends in prenatal yoga classes, so that she wasn't forced to hit the park "in my gross mommy playground outfit trying to meet people."

To the casual observer, the playground may appear a pleasant tableau of mothers and babysitters and, oh, children. But to the initiated, it can be as socially charged as a singles' bar. The blonde moms over here, the organics-only moms over there, the insecure moms hovering near the swings, pretending to be occupied by the kids. Meanwhile, style is assessed, labels identified, judgments made.

"There's a lot of telegraphing of social class in a vulgar way," Stewart said. "Moms will be wearing jeans and sneakers, but a big Cartier watch and big diamond stud earrings and carrying a designer diaper bag, and sneering at you if you have the wrong type of stroller."

In fact, Carrie Fletcher, 37, mother of three, and founder of GardenMoms, a Boston-area Internet group for parents, sees her site as an "antidote to the mommy dating scene." Mothers who meet each other online can get past appearance judgments and focus on what's important, says Fletcher, manager of professional development and training at law firm Goodwin Procter.

"Is this person talking about what I'm interested in?" Fletcher said. "Does she have the same parenting philosophy? Is she funny?"

But as many seeking romantic relationships online have learned, chemistry on the screen doesn't always translate into the real world.

"It's not you, it's me," Estell, 37, of Brookline, wanted to tell another mother when the two finally met in person - after hitting it off on e-mail. "She was a very nice person, but she just wasn't my type."

But for every one-afternoon stand that ends awkwardly, there's the heartbreak of the one who got away.

"She was a lawyer and her son was lovely. . .," Brookline mother Emily Smith, 39, recalled wistfully.

Smith, a child psychologist, met a mom in the park and the two talked about making plans, but, alas, never exchanged phone numbers. Then, one day, she was gone. "Maybe her work schedule changed," Smith sighed, "or maybe they moved."

Smith could post signs, but if there's one rule moms know, it's this: don't look desperate. That's why Jane Neilson, 45, a mother of three, didn't hit on her new neighbor, even though she thought that they could be friends.

"I heard there was another neighbor who was in her face and wanting to be her best friend," she said. "She was visibly relieved I was not looking to her to be my mommy date. Life's still like high school."