November 19, 2008

Robin_Abrahams Cheers, everyone! It's Robin Abrahams, aka Miss Conduct, trying to stay warm on this chilly, chilly day. More tea please. How are everyone's holiday plans shaping up? What's on your minds? Let's talk.

sonig__Guest_ Who writes the clever names at the end of advice column letters? Do the letter writers provide them or can you as the adviser come up with something?

Robin_Abrahams Good question. For "Miss Conduct," we use people's initials and town or "Anonymous," as they prefer. Not wonderfully clever I'm afraid. People who write in to Cary Tennis (salon.com) have meaningful sign-offs; you could ask him.

zaza__Guest Hi, Miss C. I have a question about condolence cards. Is it appropriate to send a group card, like from a group of co-workers? My opinion is no, that those jauntily written comments should be saved for birthdays or retirements or happy events. This practice is quite common in my office, and I would prefer not to be a recipient of such a card. What do you think?

Robin_Abrahams I can see your point (vivid phrase, that "jauntily written comments"). But how about a card signed by the boss or team leader on behalf of the group? That avoids the sort of yearbook feel you find objectionable.

katie31__Guest I recently attended a baby shower where gifts were requested off a specific registry- I chose to not purchase a registry gift, but instead bought something similar from another store. Now, the mom-to-bes relative who handled the shower is demanding a gift receipt (I didn't get one) so that the item can be returned because "it's not what she wanted". Gift receipts- are they now required when you give a gift? Where do you put it? In the card? Taped to the gift? I'm a little confused.

Robin_Abrahams My goodness, what a delightful shower manager. The fact that she is being rude in demanding a gift receipt, however, doesn't mean that including one isn't a good idea. (I do hate it when people give perfectly reasonable practices a bad name like that.) Ask for one when you're being rung up and put it in the box or gift bag with the present.

Pallykin__Guest I share a too small office with a much older woman (she's in her early 60s) who conducts all of her business by phone. Others have commented that she has a loud voice. I have a hard time tuning her out. She also deals with private business by phone in the office, and I am a hostage to her conversations. I am hesitant to bring up how disruptive her phone habits are. She's entitled to talk on the phone for work. The personal stuff, which is mostly done on her personal cell phone *could* leave the office. I just hate to create a problem between us. We get along well otherwise.

Robin_Abrahams Approach it as a problem to solve together: she needs to take care of business on the phone, and you need a certain amount of time in which you can work quietly. Maybe she can limit her talking to certain hours of the day, when you could take work elsewhere. I think you can also suggest that she take her cell phone conversations outside if you're tactful; point out that it makes you uncomfortable to know her personal business. Good luck!

zaza__Guest What happened with the notion that relatives weren't supposed to host showers?

Robin_Abrahams It's generally gone by the wayside. Some people are old school about it, and good for them, but for many folks relatives are the only people who can manage to pull a shower together.

violet__Guest Good Afternoon! I hope this chat is nice and busy. I'll cut to the chase: even though I work two jobs, I can't afford to buy anyone a present this year. Not my parents, not my siblings, maybe my husband and I will exchange something small, but seriously, we can't afford gifts this year. I am thinking a holiday treat swap might be more fun and less expensive than a Yankee swap. What are your thought on this? And is Thanksgiving a good time to bring this up?

Robin_Abrahams I think Thanksgiving or before would be a good time to discuss it (depending of course on how far in advance your family likes to prepare for the holidays--my mother starts shopping in August). I like the idea of the holiday treat swap, and I bet your family will too. If you think some people might object, maybe get one or two of your siblings on board in advance to help you sell the idea.

Robin_Abrahams I'd be interested to hear what other advice/feedback people have for Violet, too!

T_S__Eliot__Guest I'm in college and taking a class next semester with my adviser, whom I'm on a first name basis with. However, I'm one of maybe four students on campus who calls him by his first name. When talking to him in class, should I call him Professor X, or by his first name? I feel like it'd be awkward for other students if I call him by his first name.

Robin_Abrahams Go with "Professor X" when you're in the classroom and his first name when you're not.

Jane__Guest Is it ok for me to take my male boss out for his birthday?

Robin_Abrahams It depends. And if you're asking me, that probably means you shouldn't.

Robin_Abrahams Since I mentioned Cary Tennis above, I'm wondering--what other advice columnists do you all read besides "Miss Conduct"?

violet__Guest My family does a Yankee swap every year, but from what I have gathered from my cousins and sister, EVERYONE is really hurting. And since the kids participate, too, a $20 max for a family of 4 suddenly turns into a $100 swap. It seems to me that treats would be much more personal and a lot less expensive. Thanks for your input!

Robin_Abrahams It sounds as though you won't have any problem getting people to go along with your idea.

ellsworthgrl__Guest Are baby showers only held for a first-born? My sister will be having her second baby and we aren't sure if we need to throw her another baby shower?

Robin_Abrahams Yes, they're generally only for firstborns, the idea being that with laterborns you can leverage a lot of the stuff you got with the first baby.

furs__Guest I can't believe you didn't comment more on the "delightful shower manager" who demanded a gift receipt! That is BEYOND rude. The person can simply say "thanks" and either re-gift it or donate it to a nice children's charity if there is no gift receipt!

Robin_Abrahams Of course she was being rude, but Kate31 knew that, and wasn't asking questions about the woman's rudeness--she was asking what to do with gift receipts.

Pallykin__Guest Regarding exchanging gifts with family at Christmas, traditionally only children received gifts (from Santa Claus). It wasn't until the post war "boom" that advertisers started pushing the notion that husbands should buy their wives gifts. And it morphed from there to the situation we have today where everyone feels pressured to give gifts to everyone else.

Robin_Abrahams Really? I should read a good book on the cultural history of Christmas. I'm sure it would be fascinating. Do you happen to remember where you read that?

Pfohoa__Guest I read Dear Prudence on Slate. I look forward to reading her column on Thursdays and yours on Sundays!

Robin_Abrahams I read her, too. I don't watch the videos, though; have you? Are they good?

ellsworthgrl__Guest Violet...if everyone in the family is being cost-conscious this year, why not forego presents altogether and have a nice meal (that your family can prepare together) together or something.

Robin_Abrahams Also nice, but there's something more festive about the treats exchange.

homie__Guest Violet, there are several solutions here. You could drop the Yankee swap dollar limit down to $5 or have people bring something from their "regift" or "yard sale" pile. You could inexpensively frame a special photo of your parents or make a collage from old pictures. If you have a friend with a digital camera, you can make very inexpensive photo collages on Shutterfly, using pictures that you take at Thanksgiving. Treats are always great in my book but can add up when you are buying butter, cream, chocolate, nuts, etc. Good luck!

Robin_Abrahams These are all great ideas--excellent for anyone who's looking to scale back this season. Another question for you all--I got this one at the Peabody Essex Museum talk--what are good ideas for hostess gifts besides wine/chocolate?

peggy__Guest My family says I am elitist and putting on airs for writing thank you notes and making my children do the same-birthdays, holidays, whatnot-am I?

Robin_Abrahams Uh, no, your family are being absurd. That said, if thank-you notes offend their sensibilities, you can release yourself from the obligation to write them.

Ms_Fit__Guest Hostess gifts - cheese, glorious cheese. And if it can be paired with fig spread (my new favorite food), so much the better. And rosemary sea salt crackers from Red Bird in Newburyport. MMMM.

Robin_Abrahams Another "Oliver!" fan! Yes, cheese is wonderful and fig/date/quince spread is also an unusual and tasty gift.

ellsworthgrl__Guest how about flowers or candles

Robin_Abrahams I am only a fan of flowers if they are already tucked up properly into a vase. Otherwise the hostess has to run about finding a vase, cutting the stems, crushing the aspirin, and so on. Candles should be unscented unless you know a person's preference for sure--lots of people are allergic/averse to scents.

help__Guest oh the holidays have reared their ugly heads! my mother in law and assorted other relatives are expected to our new home for thanksgiving. i also invited an out of town friend who is feeling down over for dinner as well. turns out, according to my husband, that my MIL and dear friend had a so called falling out (which i've known nothing about) 12 years ago at our wedding, and that my MIL would not want to be in the same room as my dear friend. i can't/don't want to rescind any invites. what do i do!! can you believe i even have to deal with this?! aren't we all grown ups?

Robin_Abrahams You are the hostess and can invite whomever you like. Get your husband on your side on this one, and explain to all parties that invitations have been made and will not be unmade, and that you hope everyone invited can come and participate in a pleasant holiday. (Keep a little steel in your tone.) I'm sure your friend and MIL can be civil to each other for an afternoon.

Pfohoa__Guest It's a tad bit too late now, but I buy a bunch of amaryllis bulb kits for under $5 in late October and start them, so come holiday time they're blooming and just need some shiny foil over the flowerpot for gifting.

Robin_Abrahams Now that's a thoroughly gorgeous idea!

kc__Guest Is there a polite way to ask a co-worker to turn down their music or put headphones on? It gets to be a distraction for me sometimes - especially since it's music I don't really like!

Robin_Abrahams See some of the advice above about the talky office mate. I think the request to wear headphones is entirely reasonable. Do make sure you phrase said request in terms of your need for quiet (a positive) not your co-worker's execrable taste in music (a negative).

Ms_Fit__Guest Hostess gift for the holidays - a nice wreath for the door?

Robin_Abrahams Or some fresh pine boughs. Those things last FOREVER and smell really nice.

furs__Guest When attending a business dinner with a group of colleagues (paid for by the company) who should really pay? I work with someone who feels it should always be the most senior person. We all have Corporate Cards so that's not an issue.

Robin_Abrahams I agree with your colleague, unless there is a particular reason for someone else to pick up the tab.

Robin_Abrahams And just where did everyone go? Hello?

misstish__Guest My husband and I work together in the same office - when I need to be on the phone for a conference call, he puts on headphones, and I do the same when he's on a call. I don't know if that's a solution for the earlier poster, but it works for us.

Robin_Abrahams That's a good solution. I think a big thing with officemate/cube farmer conversations is not to let annoyances go on so long that you wind up blowing up at the person.

johjulale__Guest Robin-how about an extended family gift to a charity of the family's choosing rather than exchange gifts or treats that the waistline cannot handle?

Robin_Abrahams Also a good idea, but if people want treats, there's no reason not to have them.

misstish__Guest How early is too early to send out holiday party invites? We're planning a party on the 13th (three weeks from now), but it isn't even Thanksgiving! Sending now or later (when people may not have enough time to get sitting, etc.) seems obnoxious either way.

Robin_Abrahams Oh, I *definitely* think you can send them out now! I've already gotten invitations for events later than that.

T_S__Eliot__Guest Thanks for answering our questions! Have a happy Thanksgiving!

Robin_Abrahams Thanks to all of you for sharing what's on your minds with me! I hope to have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I hope you all have the same. See you back here on December 3, for all your holiday (and non-holiday) concerns and questions.