You can do better

Made your New Year's resolutions yet? No? Good. Here are some for you:

You resolve to spend more time with your children. Yet every company under the sun seems to be marketing a way for you to spend less time with the kids. The most horrifying example this holiday season is a TV commercial advertising a version of Monopoly that's played with a handheld digital device rather than play money. Paper bills can take a while to count, so "Monopoly: Electronic Banking Edition" speeds up the pace of the game, so that you can avoid spending too many unnecessary moments with your children. And because everyone pays with plastic nowadays, Hasbro figures it make sense for the kiddies to catch on as soon as possible. Think I'll wait for the next edition, one in which the game starts with all the players saddled with debt and most of the properties in foreclosure. They can call it "Monopoly: 2009 Edition."

You resolve not to drive around with mattress-size slabs of snow and ice on top of your car. When it snows, clean off the top of your car. It's that simple. You're out there shoveling your driveway and sweeping off your windshield, so get the snow off the car roof while you're at it. It doesn't take a degree from MIT to know that the snow is going to harden after a few days and then slide off while you're racing along the expressway, slamming into the windshield of the car behind you. I noticed after the big December snowstorm, by the way, that people who leave foot-high piles of snow on their cars are more likely to be talking on the cell or texting while driving. Big surprise there.

You resolve to stop forwarding chain letters, hoaxes, and urban legends. Your e-mail about gang members driving with their lights off and then chasing down anyone who flashes their headlights? I got it. In fact I got it in 2003 and 2005 too, and it wasn't true then either. Your e-mail telling me never to make calls to the 809 area code because of $2,400-per-minute surcharges? It's been going around since 1996, and guess what: AT&T didn't send it. Your e-mail warning me about people leaving HIV-infected needles on gas pump handles? Enough already.

You resolve to stop friending people you don't know. Facebook has its virtues: It helps friends and family keep in more frequent contact. It helps old acquaintances reconnect in a manner that eliminates the awkwardness. But it has also created a subculture of needy folks who derive satisfaction from amassing a roster of hundreds of "friends" they've never met and never will. Here's a good rule of thumb: If you've never had any previous encounters with people you're attempting to friend, they probably aren't going to give you access to photos of their kids and tidbits about their personal lives. On my Facebook account I keep a running log of strangers who've tried to friend me. Rather than click the "ignore" button, I actually just ignore them, letting them languish there in Facebook limbo. That's how I get my satisfaction.

You resolve to leave your kids at home when you go to R-rated movies. Once upon a time, parents hired babysitters when they wanted to see the latest gratuitous-violence-fueled film. With the economy in tatters, apparently people are finding it more cost-efficient to save the babysitting fee, buy the toddler a movie ticket, and let the kid pay for therapy 20 years from now. It used to be shocking to see parents drag kids under the age of 10 to films like "Wanted," the recent celebration of gun violence starring Angelina Jolie, but I must have counted seven or eight little ones in the theater the night I saw it. I don't get it. If you need to see the movie that badly, get a babysitter. Otherwise, wait for the DVD.

You resolve to be quiet. Having a little get-together in your yard this summer? Fine, but once it gets past midnight, it's time to take the party indoors. My windows are open, and I can't sleep with all that yakking. Driving through my neighborhood at 1 in the morning? Turn the stereo down. Taking in a little jazz at the local club? Keep your trap shut while the musicians are playing. Paying a visit to the rest room? Do not answer your phone while you're going. Also, your lawnmower is too loud, your dog won't stop barking, your car could use a new muffler, and you're rustling the newspaper while I'm trying to think.

Steve Greenlee can be reached at greenlee@globe.com.