Downturn's upside
The Huntington Theatre called the other day, trying to interest me in Richard Goodwin's fabulous new play, "Two Men of Florence." ("Dense speeches, stock characters, and heavy-handed displays of stagecraft" - Globe reviewer Louise Kennedy.) I love the Huntington, and who doesn't want to spend a couple of hours watching "good actors . . . wasted on caricatured cameos" (Carolyn Clay in the Phoenix). But I had to say no. It's the recession, you see.
I have been taking care of our backyard, which now looks like the Sedona desert. That's quite an achievement in a wet, temperate climate like ours. My wife wants to do something about it - say, plant some grass. But I had to veto that project. It's the recession, you see.
Maybe this should be the theme of President Obama's next gauzy outreach to the American people: the silver lining of the economic meltdown. I realize that tens of thousands of people have lost their jobs; heck, I may lose mine. But that doesn't mean there aren't some upsides to gloomy times. If you missed the French Revolution, you have to be enjoying the sans-culottes assault on bonus-bloated bigwigs' shoreline compounds on Long Island Sound. I know I am.
And have you noticed how traffic seems a little lighter? There are 9 percent fewer people driving to work. It's the recession, you see.
Here is a list of obligations from which the recession has officially freed us, for at least the next 12 months:
Dining out. Ugh. OK, I like Restaurant Week, but it comes only twice a year. What a chore, finding a decent restaurant where four people can eat and drink for less than $100, including tip. I can eat and drink in my basement for less than $3 (ramen = $0.20; Negra Modelo = $1.69) and not have to worry about saying the wrong thing - e.g., "You know, I kind of miss George Bush" - to people I see only twice a year. Plus "Law & Order" is on the television! Paradise.
Family events. Gosh, we'd love to fly out to Crested Butte to see your lovely daughter marry the macrame entrepreneur. But we're bust! I loaded up on Lehman just when Jim Cramer said it was "screaming buy." Should your daughter choose to get married in our basement, I certainly could attend.
I would think matrimony as a category might be a little shaky right now. "Darling, you know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but it's hard to commit, with so much economic uncertainty." To which the inevitable counterclaim will be: "Not tonight, dear. I have a recession headache."
Going green. Yes, I was planning to convert my entire wardrobe to ultrafine combed ring spun organic cotton - yarn-dyed, of course. Those garments are too pure to load into a household dryer, so I planned to install a backyard solar array for my drying needs. That's on hold now. It's the recession, you see.
Reading books. Especially ones written by friends. You've just published a fictional treatment of Conan O'Brien's years at Brookline High? That sounds fascinating. But we're not buying any new books this year. Twenty-seven dollars is a lot of money! Instead, I'm re-reading all the Robert Ludlum paperbacks in the basement; he's a better writer than I thought!
Buying technology. What a relief! I don't have to puzzle through all those clever "apps" for the iPhone I'll never buy. I won't have to parse those confusing come-ons from the cable company; what the heck is 50/20 upload/download speed anyway? Can I get "Law & Order"? That's all I care about.
Better still, I don't have to buy the latest, junky new operating system from
I love this recession; it's nirvana. It's true that my family's aging Subaru/Prius fleet is generating some curious noises, but they are nothing that duct tape can't fix. CV joints are expensive! They'll have to wait till next year.
I have been keeping the house at a Jimmy Carter-approved 64 degrees during the daytime, and polar at night. Guests don't stay long, which is fine with me. It's an unexpected benefit of the recession, you see.
Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com. 
