Forgive-you-nots

I’d left the house irritated after a phone conversation with an inconsiderate jerk. The dog had “gone’’ on the carpet, which had to be scrapped. Someone cut me off near Adams Corner. I was in no mood to forgive.

In fact, the billboard had the opposite effect on me. It made me think of all the people who had irritated, hurt, betrayed, or otherwise ticked me off. Those who hadn’t had the common courtesy to RSVP to my party. The friend to whom I’d sent a book, along with a birthday card; it’s been two years and I’m still waiting for acknowledgement. The wealthy but cheap relative (a truly heinous combination). The neighbors whose dog barks incessantly before 7 a.m. The guy who cut me in line at Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

I was starting to “awfulize,’’ to use an awful term coined by shrinks. I was in an even blacker mood when I got to the office and saw a Huffington Post item about two South Carolina Republican Party chairmen who compared their senator to wealthy Jews “taking care of their pennies.’’ Of course, they apologized. One of them went a step further, saying his remark was “truly in admiration for a method of bettering one’s lot in life.’’ I bet he’s even got some Jewish friends.

South Carolina has had other recent apologists, including Governor Mark “Take a Hike’’ Sanford and Congressman Joe Wilson, who called President Obama a liar. There must be something in the grits down yonder.

It seems like most of the public apologists - politicians, celebrities, evangelical preachers - are men, with women doing most of the forgiving. “Women are much better at forgiving than men,’’ says Dr. Edward Hallowell, a Boston-area psychiatrist who has written a book on forgiveness.

The most stunning example of forgiveness I’ve witnessed are the parents of Amy Biehl, the young California woman working in South Africa in 1993 to register voters in the first democratic election. As she drove some black friends home one night, her car was set upon by youths leaving a rally. They forced her from the car, knocked her down with bricks, and stabbed her to death.

But her parents pleaded for mercy for the killers. And they went a step further: They hired two of them to work at the foundation they set up in their daughter’s name.

After I wrote a story about their efforts, many readers responded angrily. What was wrong with those parents? How could they possibly embrace the killers? Linda Biehl says simply: “This is what Amy would have wanted.’’

Forgiveness, says Hallowell, is not popular, because it’s goes against human nature: “People want revenge. In fact we often call that justice.’’

Revenge, a major theme in Shakespeare’s tragedies and modern-day cop shows, gained currency after 9/11. But forgiveness is revenge’s virtuous sister, and it too is gaining currency. There are all sorts of websites devoted to the subject, including bulletin boards where you can seek forgiveness anonymously.

One site - www.forgivenessweb.com - has an apology room where all manner of folks ask forgiveness for all manner of behavior. There are the usual suspects: lying, stealing, gossiping, betraying, cheating, drinking, and drugging. A country song writer would have a field day. One woman wrote: “I am sorry that I don’t love my parents very much. They just leave me cold.’’ This is an apology? Another took the “all in’’ route: “Please forgive me for I have made everything chaos.’’ One woman started out asking forgiveness for hating her in-laws but ended up ranting about them.

The experts remind us that forgiving is a gift we give ourselves: in lower blood pressure and heart rate, stress reduction, less chronic pain and hostility, a lower risk of substance abuse, and healthier relationships. Still, it’s easier said than done. As C.S. Lewis said: “Everyone says that forgiveness is a lovely idea, until he has something to forgive.’’

OK, I’m compromising. I’ve forgiven my dog his untimely call of nature. But to the people who didn’t RSVP to my party: You’re off my list. You don’t know what you’re missing.