The end is near?
The real question is what the heck is taking so long
So the world’s supposed to end in 2012? Big whoop. Think of all the things you won’t have to worry about anymore:
Dieting. You meant to lose 10 or 15 pounds over the summer, and yet again you never got around to doing it. You planned to walk a couple of miles after dinner each night, but you couldn’t resist the lure of “Wheel of Fortune.’’ Now Thanksgiving’s around the corner, and then there are other holiday meals and - what’s that? The end is coming? Problem solved! Put off your diet another couple of years, and you’re golden. Ring Dings and Ding Dongs never looked so good.
Investments. So your 401(k) and IRA are growing so slowly - or shrinking! - that you won’t be able to retire when you’re 65. Who cares? You won’t get to 65, thanks to the Mayan calendar. Forget about saving for your kids’ college education, too. Tuition is skyrocketing, you say? Big deal. Here’s a better idea: Take the money out now, buy a red convertible, spend a few weeks in Greece, and take all your Facebook friends to a Broadway show. Will your job be waiting for you when you return from your vacation? Who’s to say!
Global warming. Enjoy the snow-free winter, the early spring, and the early summer. Sunscreen? You don’t need no stinking sunscreen. More than that, you can drink all the bottled water you want, buy that used Hummer you’ve been eyeing, and toss your stash of AA batteries into the trash instead of recycling them.
Annual physicals. No matter what your condition is, we’re betting the doc’s giving you three years to live. You could be a lithe athlete or a flabby sack of lard - it doesn’t matter anymore! Quit smoking? Cut down on the drinking? Why would you do that? Looks like you can skip those horrible twice-a-year visits to the dentist as well.
Interminable TV series. Sure, the five years you invested in “Lost’’ will bear fruit with a gripping, all-is-revealed finale, but it took so darn long to get there. Now you’re sticking with “Flash Forward,’’ hoping the payoff will be worth it but meanwhile thinking about all the other ways you could be spending your Thursday nights (racquetball, Buddhist meditation, autoharp lessons). Fuggedabout it. The end will never arrive - the end of “Flash Forward,’’ that is. Will Jim and Pam’s marriage survive their misanthropic co-workers for another three years? Maybe, but it sure won’t survive the end of days.
Being a better person. Why start now?
The Red Sox. You got your long-awaited World Series championship in 2004, and then you got a bonus victory in 2007. You seriously expected another one? You do realize, don’t you, that the Sox were going to go a long, long time before re-rewarding the faithful. Well, only three more seasons of disappointment remain.
The paint job on your house. Yeah, it’s starting to peel, and the neighbors avert their eyes when you drive past, but we’re guessing you can get another three years out of it. No sense in sealing the driveway, either.
Reading “Ulysses.’’ You keep meaning to crack James Joyce’s Mobius strip of a doorstop, but something else - “The Lost Symbol,’’ “The Associate,’’ “Under the Dome’’ - always seems more appealing. Not that a dense, indecipherable tome would deter an intellectual like yourself. Heck, if you start reading one page a day now, you’d be done with “Ulysses’’ by - whoops, nope, our bad. Hey, look, the new “Diary of a Wimpy Kid’’ just came out!
Your next high school reunion. Be real: You couldn’t stand most of these people in high school, and you dread seeing them even for a few hours once every five years. Now you have to endure their LOLs and their empty “Happy birthday’’ wishes on your Facebook page. No worries; you won’t be seeing them again.
The fact that the original “Batman’’ series, the one starring Adam West, has never been released on DVD. Or maybe that’s just us.
Obama vs. Palin. Even assuming the apocalypse doesn’t arrive until December 2012, the election results will be moot, since the new term won’t start until January. You can watch the debates, the “SNL’’ parodies, the poll aggregations, and the red-state/blue-state ticktock on fivethirtyeight.com entirely angst-free. You can even vote for Nader without regret. Sit back, enjoy, and pass the Ring Dings.
Steve Greenlee can be reached at greenlee@globe.com. 
