Creepy compliments?
How to praise stylish strangers, plus baby-shower drama and meeting single mothers.
I’ll compliment friends on their clothes, yet when I see a stranger who’s wearing a great outfit, I censor myself. Just how creepy is it to tell strangers they look wonderful? Or is it flattering? I recognize that people’s bodies do not exist for my viewing pleasure, but what if they’ve obviously taken great care to look fabulous?
S.L. / Cambridge
And this is why people think Bostonians are unfriendly. We’re not, but we can overthink things in our efforts to respect others’ autonomy. Complimenting strangers’ bodies is creepy indeed, but complimenting their actions is not, and dressing is an action. Don’t comment on the fit or proportion, as that is essentially a comment about the body (even among friends, the phrase “body type” ought to be stricken from civil discourse). A simple, sincere “I love your outfit!” is always acceptable, as is commenting on the color of a piece or the beauty of a well-chosen accessory. Compliment a style maven’s coordination kung fu by praising a pairing: “That tie and shirt look fabulous together.” I probably don’t have to tell you this, but pay attention to the whole person, not only the outfit: Don’t bother people whose posture and expression make clear that they are not “open for business.” Stylistas are also workers, parents, allergy sufferers, multi-taskers. If someone is disciplining a toddler, grading papers on the subway, or generally appears distracted, take your mental notes in silence.
Is it appropriate for a mother-to-be to give herself a baby shower? As this woman’s mother-in-law, I offered to throw her one. She refused, but told me I could help pay for the one being planned. I tried to enlighten my son and sent him articles I found online saying that one should never throw one’s own shower, and now they are not speaking to me. This is the same woman who said that we could not host the wedding rehearsal dinner because we would not do it the way she wanted – so she held it at her father’s house, writing on the invitations “Bring a dish.” My husband and I did not attend.
Anonymous / Boston
It is not appropriate for a woman to host her own baby shower – or, for that matter, for a member of her immediate family to do so. If your Internet research had uncovered that fact, would you have been less highhanded about “enlightening” your son about his wife’s defects? I can hardly blame your daughter-in-law for declining your offer, given your snub of the rehearsal dinner. Your offer didn’t spring from generosity and hospitality, but out of a belief that doing things properly is more important than doing them compassionately. So what if your daughter-in-law chose to have her rehearsal dinner in a fashion you found declasse? A truly gracious person would have gone and brought a dish. Your daughter-in-law’s behavior is not above reproach. Self-showering is tacky, as was offering to take your cash. But neither of you has much to be proud of. Take a deep breath, stop using etiquette as a weapon, and behave better.
Sometimes I meet other women who identify themselves as “single mothers.” Why the need to identify oneself as such? Is there an appropriate response?
J.S. / Needham
“How do you do, I’m J.S.” you respond with a smile. “Amalie over there is my kid” – or whatever. Single mothers aren’t trying to provoke a reaction, they’re trying to forestall awkward questions about partners. Such questions may not feel awkward to the mothers, but they are surely tired of people moaning endless apologies after asking about the Mister.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
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