Trying not lose friends in a dog-eat-furniture world.
We are close friends with another couple. We spend many weekends together and even share vacations. However, their dog has destroyed our property, constantly has accidents in our house, and is aggressive toward our own dog. I’m so afraid of losing a long and wonderful friendship over a dog – she is their baby – but some of the items that this dog has ruined will be costly and time-consuming to repair. I’m at my wits’ end. I love both of these people so much, but their dog is more than I can stand.
Anonymous / Boston
You need to confront them. You fear the risk, but think: Your friendship is already imperiled. How long will it be until either you or your spouse lash out verbally or start concocting too-transparent excuses to avoid your friends? When the risk of doing nothing outweighs the risk of action, act. Also, an animal is suffering, and by speaking up you might be able to improve things. As a dog owner yourself, you must know that an untrained, incontinent, aggressive, destructive dog is unhappy and unhealthy.
Invite your friends over, but ask them to leave their dog at home. (Their reaction will tell you whether they realize there is a problem.) Be as factual and objective as possible when describing their dog’s behavior, and, as much as you can, focus on the well-being of the dog, not your furniture. Ask them to start taking some steps to help their dog, beginning with a trip to the vet to determine if she has any medical problems that could be causing her to act up. If your friends deny anything is wrong, ask them to indulge you anyway, as friends do. With luck, a vet can get them to wake up to their responsibilities.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
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