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Alex Beam

Nostradamus, he’s not

A year’s worth of predictions - from burgers to Scott Brown, Venus to Bobby Valentine

By Alex Beam
Globe Columnist / March 6, 2012
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I won’t be writing here for the next 12 months. I’m taking a yearlong leave of absence to write a book about the Mormons. Spare me the snark and the sniggering comments. I like the Mormons.

The downside is that I’ll miss out on a year’s worth of fantastic material: the November elections, the first Bobby Valentine meltdown, the second Bobby Valentine meltdown, and so on. So I’ve decided to publish a raft of irresponsible and poorly thought-out predictions for the forthcoming year, like a hundred columns’ worth of bad judgment boiled down to 750 words.

If the Mayans allow 2013 to arrive, maybe I’ll dredge this “thought piece’’ out of the landfill and see what came true and what didn’t. Remember my motto: I’ve been wrong before. What better moment than now to appreciate my May 9, 2007, prediction: “President Obama? Not This Time.’’

Between March 7, 2012, and March 4, 2013, I confidently predict:

■ No World Series appearance for the Carmine Hose. The reports from ValuJet Field - sorry, JetBlue Park - don’t seem propitious, do they? No shortstop, no catcher, an unapologetic, tubby ace pitcher, and a manager not once but twice hailed as “the most hated man in baseball.’’

The brains of the operation left for Chicago, the cleanup hitter has his nose buried in the Gideon Bible - a suicide blonde might prove more inspirational, I daresay - OK, at least J.D. Drew is gone. I listen to a lot of sports talk radio, and when you hear the phrase, “If Daisuke is healthy enough to pitch. . .’’ for the 6,000th time, you know it’s going to be a dire season.

■ Nothing meaningful for the Celtics in the postseason; that’s obvious. The Patriots? One. Year. Older. Every. Season. No, I wouldn’t pick them in the office pool, either. The Broons? Everyone loves the Broons.

■ God hasn’t finished torturing Tiger Woods. Not yet.

■ That’s enough about sports. I confidently predict that the tens - hundreds? - of thousand of dollars being spent to earthquake-proof the state’s public buildings will prove to be yet another monumental waste of taxpayers’ money. According to the real estate website Homefacts.com, there is a 1.87 percent probability of a 5.0 magnitude earthquake hitting Auburndale, near where I live, within the next 50 years. Do you live in Richmond, near Governor Deval Patrick’s palatial, 77-acre second home/Xanadu? There is an 0.89 percent possibility of an earthquake. Thank heaven he’s safe!

■ Speaking of Governor Patrick, how can you predict anything but a seismic yawn for his forthcoming e-book, “Faith in the Dream: A Call to Our Nation’s Liberal Majority to Restore American Values’’? Maybe his campaign will snap up copies, to avoid a second embarrassing book sales debacle for our Scribbler-in-Chief. Do you remember his memoir, “Reason to Believe: Lessons From an Improbable Life’’? Of course you don’t.

■ I predict that just because Dunkin’ Donuts has decided to expand into California, it does not necessarily follow that Irvine, Calif.-based In-N-Out burgers will be coming to Massachusetts anytime soon. Alas.

■ The Transit of Venus will take place on June 5. I think you can take this one to the bank. And the Kennedy child will win Barney Frank’s seat, my vote notwithstanding.

■ As the Richard-Nixon-was-gay revelations pile up, we will learn that right-wing handwringer Peggy Noonan is the love child of a tempestuous liaison between sexually alienated first lady Pat Nixon and presidential intimate Robert Abplanalp, the businessman known as “the aerosol king.’’

■ Speaking of revelations: In a gesture of interfaith conciliation, the Mormon Quorum of Twelve Apostles will announce a pre-posthumous baptism ceremony in Salt Lake City’s Temple Square to save the tortured soul of Woody Allen. The legendary film director will boycott the ceremony.

■ I won’t be making any predictions for the presidential election; see above. But I’m hoping for 20 kitchen sinks’ worth of unfair attack ads and dirty tricks. Wouldn’t you love to write an anti-Romney ad? “His wife owns two Cadillacs. He owns three houses. Mitt Romney - he’s the kind of guy you’d like to have a beer with! Oh, wait.’’

The anti-Obama ads? I’m sure they’ll come up with something. “Enjoying $5 gas? Be sure to thank Barack Hussein Obama!’’

■ Closer to home, I predict that Scott Brown will retain his Senate seat, in what could be another delightfully mud-filled campaign against Elizabeth Warren.

Remember, I’ve been wrong before.

Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com.

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