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Freshman 15: The Characters You’ll Meet in Your First Year (Part 2)

Posted by Alex Pearlman  September 15, 2011 06:25 PM

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lax brahs.jpgIf you missed Part 1 of our list, check it out here. Today, we bring you the final eight college campus characters you're sure to run into during your freshman year.

The Guy Who is Too Old to be Here. You met him in your freshman seminar, and he promptly asked you what you thought of “Drizzy Drake”’s new album. Unfortunately, you didn’t have too much to say, so he started asking you about Miley Cyrus instead. Although he thoroughly researched pop culture after putting his kids to bed, you can’t seem to reach common ground. In a last-ditch effort to become one of the guys, he offers to buy you beer, which you're not stupid enough to turn down, even though it weirds you out that he keeps asking you to “Pound it, bro!” In the end, 35-year-old Mr. Sanders isn’t so bad, so you invite his wife and kids to the next off-campus rager. He never brings them along, but he is eternally grateful.

The Self-Appointed Mother. The Self-Appointed Mother, better known to freshman boys as “the ugly friend,” is not going to let you walk home from the party alone, talk to a stranger, or do anything reckless on her watch, little missy! She’ll protect you from roofies, Jell-o shots -- and potentially pleasant conversation with any person who shows an interest in you. Oh, you wanted the nice guy from your English class to give you his phone number? Too bad, he looks like bad news; have a freshly baked cookie instead.

Debbie Desperate. Her lack of self-esteem is why Debbie Desperate finds it difficult to keep up any illusion of self-respect or dignity. Painfully aware of that fact that she’s hardly a blip on the campus radar, she seeks change and begins to attend parties in skirts shorter than the attention spans of the mediocre boys at whom she throws herself. By November, she’s slept with four sets of roommates and most of the second-string Lax Brahs. Unfortunately, Debbie isn’t much of a critical thinker and can’t understand why not one of them called her the next day. Sit her down and tell her to snap out of it and, while she’s at it, delete that OKCupid profile.

The Proud Gay Guy. The definition of sassy, The Proud Gay Guy isn’t just “one of the girls” -- he’s better, and he knows it. When you ask your friends’ opinion on your new dress, he will be the only one to tell you the truth. You don’t want to believe him, but he’ll cite the latest issue of Vogue. But make no mistake: The Proud Gay Guy isn’t here to bring you down. He’ll be the first to snap his fingers and tell you when your lipgloss looks on point, and when you’re feeling down, you know he’s down, too -- for cocktails, that is.

The Free-Spirited Stoner Dude. When a soft breeze comes in through the window of Psych 101, it activates the strong smell of marijuana from the back of the room. You identify the source: tie-dye, dreadlocks, and calm, glazed-over eyes. The Free-Spirited Stoner Dude isn’t addicted to drugs, but let’s just say that it’s clearly more than a passing interest. He appears to have minimal brain activity but, regardless, is a silently respected icon. Comfortably numb and lover of all people and things, he’s the personification of contentment.

The Rude Dude. At first, he seemed pretty harmless. You met him in the common room when you were trying to write a paper, and although he was annoying as all hell, you were polite. Then he said something so rude that you were unable to focus on anything but how a single human could be so socially inept and unaware. You didn’t laugh, but he did, nudging you with his elbow saying, “C’mon dudeee, come aaaahhhn.” You hate him, and you’re not alone. The entire freshman class will collectively avoid him, but he’ll always seem to pop up -- smirking. He is always smirking. “Wow, I wish The Rude Dude was here!” said no one, ever, in the history of college. Except maybe High School Glory Days Guy. From what you can tell, they get along just swimmingly.

The RA You Were Afraid of Until He Got High With Your Roommate. That’s when you realized he was a joke. You thought it was kind of strange when you saw him at that party, and you did hear the rumors about the nameless freshman girls he had that threesome with, but it wasn’t until he took your roommate behind the dorm to smoke a joint that your realized he really, really does not take his job very seriously. And you dig it. That is, until it’s 3 a.m. on a Saturday night and the The Guy Who is Too Old to Be Here is passed out drunk in the kitchen. Quit knocking on his door, silly freshman -- he’s just not going to help you.

The Non-Conforming Hipster Clones. It’s the timeless disease of our nation’s youth -- the attempts to reject conformity, while actually conforming. These individuals that hold on to the idea that they are so obscure and so hip that they are in a class all their own are, of course, simply creating an alternate majority. The Non-Conforming Hipster Clones shop at thrift stores and pierce each others eyebrows while listening to underground bands that they’re sure you’ve never heard of. You’ll meet them as individuals around your dorm, in your poetry class (probably hanging out with The Brooding Writer), in packs at indie movie theaters, and in independent Allston coffee shops. Wherever you find them, do them a favor and refrain from complimenting their dingy t-shirts and forest green corduroy pants. Your approval will result in an immediate wardrobe change.

Photo by Speedy With Chicken (Flickr)

By Alison Amorello -- I am a recent Emmanuel College graduate who loves creative writing, cheeseburgers, travel, car radio sing-a-longs, and Armenian line dancing down the hallway when no one is watching. I'm not sure what I'm up to next year or next month, but I plan on having fun for the rest of my life. Twitter: @AlisonAmorello

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