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Boston Babe Sports Bible: Commandments for attending sporting events

Posted by Alex Pearlman  November 20, 2011 06:10 PM

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sporting events commandments.jpgBy Kayla Brown

My alternate title for this week's column was "How not to be 'that girl' at a sporting event," which I think pretty much says it all. So, without further ado...

Though Shalt Not be a Cliche. Your mom was right: You are special and unique and intelligent. Which means you’re miles above twirling your peroxide ringlets around your acrylics and asking, “Like, what, like, inning is it again?” at a Bruins game. (In hockey, they’re called periods, hon. All the blood should serve as a context clue.) That tired, tawdry cliche about women being clueless about all things sports-related goes against everything the Sports Bible holds dear. So before you attend an event, do your homework. If for no one else, for goodness sake, do it for yourself. Like all things in life, sports get so much more interesting when you have a clue whats going on.

Thou Shalt Remember That the Internet Isn't Goin’ Anywhere. It’s OK to check in on Foursquare, upload a few pictures to Facebook, or tweet a relevant thought about what's happening on the ice/court/field. What’s not OK is staying glued to your smartphone the entire time. Tickets don’t come cheap, so get your money's worth by engaging in the event -- even if that means people-watching the fans around you. If @Ochocinco can’t tweet from the bench, you should abstain, too. Trust me, there will be plenty of time for catching up during the two hours it takes you to get out of the stadium.

Thou Shalt Remember This Isn’t Fashion Week. ...even if Gisele is waiting behind you in the pretzel line at halftime. Never forget about context, which is a lot like swimming lessons: If you are willing to make the necessary adjustments, you float. If you fight, you sink, only to be bailed out of the pool (or out of jail for indecent exposure). So even if it’s only to avoid misdemeanor charges, consider context when it comes to your wardrobe selections on game day. Pleather minidress and sky-high stilettos? Super sexy after-hours at that swanky absinthe lounge, but at an afternoon baseball game? You’re trying too hard, princess! If there was ever a time to embrace “natural beauty” (which can be a two-hour process in itself), it’s now.

Thou Shalt Dress for the Occasion. Now that we’ve established that, this isn't Fashion Week or Ibiza or any other tropical climate -- this is notoriously bi-polar New England. Check the weather forecast, and remember: When the temperature dips below 40 in Foxborough (or when you're in an ice rink), open-toed shoes are not your friends.

Though Shalt Beware the “Pink Hat” Phenomenon. Not so much “beware” as “be aware.” There is a sweeping generalization in these parts that goes something like this: The “pink hats” (those wearing pink Red Sox/Celtics/Bruins/Pats/Revs...well, anything) are a bunch of airhead bandwagoners who stay glued to their phone (*ahem* -- what did I tell you?), ask stupid questions, and are only there to find a boyfriend, impress their current boyfriend, shamelessly stalk the food vendors, or a combination of all three. If you’re going to don your pink sports memorabilia, more power to ya, you fierce sports fox. Just don’t be “that girl” teetering down Lansdowne Street in sky-high stilettos and a teeny tiny tube dress (c'mon, we just went through this!) with a pink Red Sox hat perched on her head.

And if you do decide to ignore all these rules, just make sure you can blow everyone away with some hardcore sports knowledge so you don’t perpetuate the stereotype.

"The Boston Babe Sports Bible" is a weekly column featuring sports news and insights from Kayla Brown.

About Kayla -- Kayla Brown is the author of the “Boston Babe Sports Bible” series and TNGG's weekly fashion column "Haute and Dangerous" (inspired by a Ke$ha song). She hopes to one day channel her debilitating caffeine addiction into the noble art of copywriting. Her interests include watching YouTube videos of cute animals doing funny things. If you think you can handle it, follow her on Twitter: @kjbrown22.

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This blog is not written or edited by Boston.com or the Boston Globe.
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