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An open letter to Mark Zuckerberg

Posted by Alex Pearlman  May 22, 2012 05:39 PM

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zuckerberg.jpgOn Friday, Facebook went public with its initial public offering, the biggest IPO for a U.S. technology firm. And since Mass. House Speaker Robert DeLeo wrote a letter to Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg begging for jobs in the Bay State, we figured we’d jump on the bandwagon. Hey, Zuck, give us jobs!
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Dear Mr Mark Zuckerberg,

We wanted to take this opportunity to update you on what you have missed in Massachusetts since you left in 2004, and ask you to please come back, sprinkle some magic stock options, and fix the economy because let’s face it - you are such a huge deal.

Since you have been away, we have finished, repaired, and finished again the most expensive highway project in the U.S., the “Big Dig.” It was supposed to take about 10 years to complete and only cost about $3 billion. That didn’t happen, sadly. Charges of fraud, abuse, waste, criminal arrests, and the deaths of three workers and a motorist also added to the rising cost of this project, totaling over $20 billion. We’re still paying for it now through raised T prices and cut bus lines (don’t worry, they’re primarily to communities of color). But the T would be so much more affordable if we all had jobs at Facebook.

By bringing your company here, you will contribute more cars on the highway, making Boston look more popular during rush hour, and maybe even boost the economy enough to fix the Green Line.

And, maybe - just maybe - if more people had jobs downtown, someone would eat lunch on the Greenway – because you know everyone wants to, they just couldn’t because of Occupy Boston. But don’t worry, that’s all been taken care of.

We truly are making progress in Massachusetts. We now have the titles of worst dressed, most drunk, and meanest  under our belts and we’ve never been prouder to be Bostonians.

Our beloved Boston mayor built us hobbit hole-sized, wicked-expensive studio condos on the waterfront that we would die to live in, but since you need a membership card proving you work for a hip start-up or are a “social media guru” to live there, I think we’d all appreciate some more job openings in the neighborhood. And we all know Mumbles would, because after the embarrassment of investing in the failed idea of a dorm for 30-year-olds (it’ll have pool tables and co-working spaces, weee!) instead of low-income housing isn’t something anyone wants to deal with.

The bars still close ridiculously early, as you recall, and small businesses can’t get liquor licenses when they need them, so you’d make us all oh-so-very happy by opening a cool office with a bar inside so we’d never have to deal with attempted partying in Boston ever again.

So, as Facebook issues its initial public offering and experiences additional growth and expansion, a renewed presence in Massachusetts would make sense. A third of people who live in Boston are under 30, like you, and are awesome, like your employees and your dog. A recent study noted that half the class of 2012 won’t have jobs anytime soon, and we’re not immune to it, either.

But we are immune to the sad stench of begging, like our elected officials, and we are not above it.

Please bring Facebook to Boston!

Photo by Wired Photostream (Flickr)

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