March 3, 2008 -- Barbara Meltz parenting chat
Barbara_Meltz: Welcome to the parenting chat -- let's dig in!
olivia__Guest_: is it wrong to let my daughter go to the college she loves instead of the cheapest one?
Barbara_Meltz: Olivia, you mean because she will be happy? And probably grateful and more motivated to learn and maybe have to work harder because she'll have to get a job and maybe learn to have a better work ethic as a result and maybe have to take out a student loan and learn to assume some responsibility for it? And that if she goes to a school she doesn't like and then really hates it once she's there she'll resent it, and possibly you (even if she understands the reasoning why), and you'll be worried about her, and she'll end up transferring anyway (if she's lucky)? Sorry. I don't mean to sound sarcastic. But I have seen many situations where finances rule this decision -- and everyone including the student is on board for that -- and then it turns out to truly be the wrong school with all sorts of ensuing problems as a result. These are tough decisions, I know (been there myself), and they require some really hard parent-child conversations. But the way you word the question? Sounds like a no-brainer to me.
Kathode__Guest_: Hi Barbara; My mother-in-law just passed away and I am torn about bringing my 9 and 5 year old sons to the memorial service , which is out of town. The 5 year old is scared and not terribly articulate. However, I feel we need to be there. Any opinions? Thanks.
Barbara_Meltz: Kathode, The thinking on this used to be not to take young children and I certainly wouldn't push or force the issue for either child. But: newer thinking says that if a child is old enough to attend worship services, he is old enough to attend a funeral WITH THE RIGHT SUPPORT. Otherwise, children can end up feeling very left out of the family by not being part of the services, and the mourning process. In fact, research says that the kids who have the hardest times with a loved one's death are those who are either forced to go, or sipmly told they can't go. So I would talk to them separately. With both of them, I would give them the choice of going or not, but not with a simple do you want to go or not. Expalin what a funeral is all about: a way to say goodbye to the person, to honor and show respect, to share with others who loved the person. etc. Because your children are at very different stages of development (the 5 probably does not understand that death is not reversible), they will have dififerent questions. The more you are able to give them the chance to talk about this, the better. With the younger one, the questions may be very concrete: who will I sit next to (at the service), what if I don't want to cry/what if I do cry? (In fact, both kids need to be prepared for seeing adults cry, including their parents, as well as for hearing people laugh when they recall the person's life; that can be a big surprise). OK, I could go on and on about this. Email me! I wrote a column about it that has lots of concrete info. BFM801@rcn.com
hollis__Guest_: MY 10 year old 5th grade daughter is just not interested in sports, nor good at them. I fear that she may be losing out on some great experiences because she refuses to even explore sports. The one time she did, she was the only one cut from the team and it was horrible. Should i push her to try again? thanks.
Barbara_Meltz: Hollis, While I would absolutely find a way for her to get -- and enjoy -- exercise (as a family -- walking, biking, hiking, swimming, etc), being part of a team is not a requirement for child development, honest! It is important for children to have experiences where they contributing to a group effort of some kind with peers, but that can happen in many ways, from drama and music and art and community service and relgious groups, as well as athletics.
SamC__Guest_: Hi Barbara, My daugter is 5 and she says that she has a boyfriend who she kisses - isn't this too young?
Barbara_Meltz: SamC, Uh, yes. But be careful: you want to avoid making her feel ashamed. If this is really happening (and it may not be, or it may have happened once), it is most likely cominhg because of exposure to our over-sexualized culture. So one thing I would do is pay more attention to what she sees on screens, the dolls and toys she plays with (are they Bratz? They are highly sexualized and inappropriate) and to help her analyze, in age appropriate ways, the messages she's getting. Maybe you or another adult has said things like, "isn't that cute!" that she has a "boyfriend"; maybe she's getting messages that this is a good thing! I would tell her simply, "It's great to have lots of friends, boys and girls, and to like to all kinds of different activities with them, like xx and xxx. But kissing is not one of the activities. That's for when you are much older."
Hamdad__Guest_: How do you deal with a teen (almost 14) girl who has stated that she refuses to go to therapy? She has been treated for OCD but has never really taken to using the tools that she is given to cope. Now that her thereapist is moving out of state, she has told us that she has no intention of going at all. I'm fearful that the more I push, the more she will rebel.
Barbara_Meltz: Hamdad, I'm betting you're right. Here's what's likely going on for her: AT this age, kids want more than anything to see themselves as "normal" (whatever that is) and feeling/being different from peers is awful for them. My advice is to talk to the therapist before she leaves and see what suggestions she has for keeping her in therapy. There are undoubtedly other approaches that will enable her to buy into the therapy -- for instance, if she has meds, she needs to see someone in order to get them. Or what about striking a deal with her: you'll shop around for someone new (that means you interview them, get references, etc) and in return, she agrees to see the person x amount of times. If she hates the person, you'll move on until you find someone she likes? Giving her some control of the process may help.
lb__Guest_: is ok for your child's elementary school to have him observed by counselor without your knowlegde
Barbara_Meltz: IB, that surprises me, but this is not an area of expertise for me, and I'm sure it depends on what kind of "counselor."
mom_s_mom__Guest_: hi barbara, i'm a big fan of yours and always look forward to the chats. i am the mother of a nine year old only child (girl). she seems to be obsessed with my breasts and i'm wondering if this is normal!!
Barbara_Meltz: Mom's mom,Thanks! I'm assuming that when you say she's obsessed with your breasts you don't mean that she wants to touch them; that would not strike me as typical. Otherwise, I would consider this a signal that she's wondering about her own body development and I'd use this as an oppty to get a book or two ("Before she gets her period" is a great one, by Jessica Gillooly; also, "What's happening to Me" by Peter Mayle). By the way, rather than just noticing this about her, I would begin the conversation (before you bring the books home) by saying, "I've noticed you seem intersted in breasts these days. I bet you are wondering about youor own body and when it is going to change. I have an idea of a few books we can read together, but I want you to know if you have any questions, it's ok to ask me..." In o ther words, make the subject talkable for her.
Polish_Mermaid__Guest_: My 6.5 year old son has been very defiant lately. Answers back, picks arguments. My husband is going through a very difficult legal battle regarding his mother's estate, and needless to say, is not in the best of moods. My son just admitted to me that he is afraid of his father's anger, therefore, he takes it out on me, since I do not "yell like Dad." I have spoken to my husband about this but he has little sympathy. All he says to me is "you two go at it constantly." Well, I need help!! THANKS!!
Barbara_Meltz: Polish Mermaid, First of all, the fact that your son was able to say that to you is terrific; you have good communication and that's enormously important. But feeling afraid of daddy is not good. At some level, your husband hopefully realizes that. Would your he consider some professional help for the two of you, or anger management? (Not therapy that includes your son.) At the very least, your son is getting a role model from his dad that is not showing him healthy ways to deal with anger. I hope you're able to find a way to bring your husband around on this.
ma__Guest_: Barbara, my husband will be overseas for 4 months this summer. We hav e a son who will be about 17 months when he leaves. Any suggestions on the best ways to keep both of them feeling connected, beyond doing on line video, etc? Than k
Barbara_Meltz: Ma, it's pretty hard at this age. The videos are wondeful. I would also have pictures of dad around the house, and use them almost as visual aids. Another idea: you and your hsuband can make a simple book before he goes that uses family photos and simple language that explains why/where daddy is going; shows all the things that daddy and your son and the family do together now, and will do again when he comes home. Then you will be able to have the book to read to your son while dad is gone. (You can laminate the pages, or just get page covers for them.) I bet it will become quite worn!
mondaymom__Guest_: Hi Barbara, Great forum. My daugher will be starting middle school next year and her and I have talked a bit about it, but mostly the negative aspects, ie; the social turmoil that is ahead. I do not try to scare her, I just want her to know that the solid friendships she has now can/may become pretty fragile. Most parents I talk to that have kids in middle school talk about this issue, so it's what I know. My question is, are there any positive aspects to middle school? I would like to try and balance out the negatives with some positives. Thank you
Barbara_Meltz: MOndaymom, I think you're wise to want to present a balanced view because, you're right, kids tend to hear the negatives. Talk about the kazillion choices of activities and clubs that will be available to her; about how exciting it will be to move on to the next level of learning. What's her favorite subject? You can find out about the curriculum for it and talk up the things she will get to learn about. Put a positive spin on the friendship issues: you'll have lots of new people to make friends from. Talk about how having more teachers can make learning more fun and interesting, and offer her different styles of teaching and therefore of learning.
sunshine__Guest_: My 11-month old is not even remotely interested in eating anything other than pureed baby food. I've tried repeatedly to introduce Cheerios, dissoving "puffs", even tiny pieces of watermelon, she is just not interested. I don't believe it is laziness, and she is obsessed with picking up everything she can find with her fingers (the smallest bit of paper or crumbs), she just does not seem to understand that she can feed herself. We all eat meals at the same time, so she can see that we sometimes eat with OUR fingers. Her older sister was eating fruit, cheese, eggs, etc. with her hands and fingers at 9 months. Is it something I should be concerned enough to ask her pediatrician about? She has a day care "friend" in the same boat and the parents are taking the child for "food evaluations".
Barbara_Meltz: Sunshine, (My goodness, I've never heard of "food evaluations"!) There's a HUGE range of normal for young children, and I would not be concerned about this because 1. It sounds like your daughter has age-approrpiate small motor skills, 2. She is eating. 3. She's getting a good experience of family eating time. So: I would continue to put some finger food on her tray at meals and then I would totally back off. The more of a deal you make -- the more you encourage & talk about it -- the more you mkae it into an issue of control. She is moving in to that stage, remember?! Be patient, that's my advice.
lb__Guest_: it is the guidance councelor at school, he is in 2 grade and there has been quite a lot of communication with his teacher and myself regarding his 'avoidance behaviors in class, but i was shocked when i requested a proegress report on him and received this observation last friday and it was dated in january...I am very upest that I was not in the loop on this when I have been very involved all year, but am I overreacting?
Barbara_Meltz: IB, with that added info, yes, I would say you are over-reacting. IT sounds like the school was being appropriate and professional. While it's important in dealing with schools for you to be an advocate for your child -- the strongest, best possible advocate -- you also want to do all you can to keep the communication open and collaborative. Yes, I can understand your surprise that they didn't tell you , on X day, someone will come in to observe your son, but beyond that, I don't see an issue here.
dad__Guest_: It's already March, and senioritis has kicked in for our high-school senior son...What can a parent do to encourage him to stay in the game this spring, academically? Is it a lost cause, particularly if his head is already at college?
Barbara_Meltz: Dad, Pretty much. You can, of course, remind him that if grades fall beyond a certain point, schools can -- and do -- rescind aceptances. And you absolutely need to have a good conversation with him about what limits there are (on drinking, socializing, driving, etc). But it's as much up to the school to keep seniors engaged as it is the parents. It's certainly worth asking teachears/principal/guidance what they do to keep kids engaged (if nothing else, it serves as a remind that, hello?, they do need to do something about this), or what advice they have for parents. In your dialogue with your son, I would acknowledge and agree that some slack is approrpiate, but then agree on a point at which he will not sink below, grade-wise. That will at least put on on the same side.
ohgoodness__Guest_: Hi Barbara, my 4yo step daughter is beautiful and smart as a whip. We have a bedtime routine, but this past Thursday night, she asked me if she could look in the mirror before turning the light out. I said ok and was really surprised to hear her say as she looked in the mirror "I just want to look at how beautiful I am". I told her that "beauty is only skin deep" and that it's more important to make sure you are nice and smart. She hung onto the "beauty is only skin deep" quote and has repeated it. I know it's not something she can grasp right now, but what do I do? Her father isn't very pleased and is unsure how to proceed. She is also constantly told by other how beautiful she is.
Barbara_Meltz: Ohmygoodness, is right. This reinforces for me that kids today, especially girsl, are getting such inappropriate messages about appearance and sexuality from our culture and the media. I would urge you to limit and monitor what she sees on screens, the toys she plays with, etc., and to counter those messages when they come up. Without being pointed about it, steer conversations and look for story books and media messages that are away from the beatuy/sex messages. It's hard. Whatevedr you do, you don't want to come down hard on her and make her feel ashamed or embarassed that she has had this thought and shared it. She's come by it because it's in her world. Your job, now that you have noticed it, is to find other messages to give her. In some ways, you're lucky, because now you are aware. By the way, there's a new book coming out next fall I ithin, called "Too Sexy Too Soon" that you'll find interesting, by Diane Levin. Also I've written about this in my column and you might find that helpful. Email me. BFM801@rcn.com
sally__Guest_: My nearly 4 year old son has started to wake up several times a night saying that he is scared and can't get back to sleep. We put him back in his bed, but he continues to get out. This can go on for hours. The only way he will sleep all night is in a sleeping bag on our bedroom floor. any advice?
Barbara_Meltz: Sally, I think the sleeping bag on your floor is a fine solution. Now the trick is to get him to come there without you having to go to him first. Put it there at the beginning of the night; let him know it's OK if he wakes up frightened, he can come to your room. It's a stage -- a normal one -- and you are giving him an appopriate way to master the fear. At some point, there will be a night when he wakes up and says to himself, I can just go back to sleep here.
CARA__Guest_: My 5-year-old started public kindergarten this past September able to read (self-taught). She is now able to read almost EVERYTHING, whereas the rest of the class is just now moving from letter recognition to very introductory one-syllable word recognition. I have met with the teacher, whom I like, and I know she does what she can 'on the side' to keep my daughter moving forward, but of course 99% of her focus has to be on the pace of the rest of the class. What can I do at this early point to keep my daughter interested, motivated, and progressing? We read a lot with her at home, but I hate for her to feel completely bored and unchallenged for the seven hours she spends at school each day.
Barbara_Meltz: CARA, Is your daughter unhappy in kindergarten? Does the teacher think she's bored? Kindergarten is as much about social skills as academic ones -- even in today's hurried-up world. You can certainly give her more eto read at home (and there's a book by Louise Kennedy called "Between the Lions" and another by Lucy Calkins, "Raising a Life Long Learner," that might be helpful. But honestly, I wouldn't assume she is bored unless she's saying she is, one way or another.
j__Guest_: Hi Barbara: My 9 year old boy is just at the begining of early pubertal development and I would love to get him a book to read. I recently bought one that seemed really inappropriate off of Amazon. Do you know of some really good ones?
Barbara_Meltz: J, one I mentioned earlier in the chat is for boys as well as girls, "What's happening to me? An illustrated guide teo puberty" by Peter Mayle. I love it.
Polish_Mermaid__Guest_: Dear Barbara, Polish Mermaid here, and thank you so much for your answer. It makes me feel good that my sons trusts me enough to tell me that (he has always been very open) and will work on my husband. Sometimes hubby is very, very good, some times he is not. Thanks so much!! Much appreciated.
sunny__Guest_: Barbara, my daughter (12) and stepdaughter (17) do not get along. My stepdaughter has OCD, severe anxiety and depression. She also has a below average IQ. She tends to be clingy, invades personal boundaries and talks nonstop. My daughter finds this annoying and often loses her temper. My husband tends to make excuses for my stepdaughter. We've told my daughter about stepdaughter's shortcomings and ask her to be patient and tollerant. This is difficult when stepdaughter is trying to get daughter's attention no matter what it takes. What do we do?
Barbara_Meltz: Sunny, What you are doing sounds appropriate -- talking about differences, inicluding differences in learning styles, and even naming the issues for her -- but I wouldn't put it all on your daughter. Are there ways to engage your stepdaughter, so that she can be more aware of when you over-steps certain boundaries? Maybe picking one or two and discussing it with her?
namom__Guest_: At what age do you feel it become inappropriate for my son to see me nude? I occasionally bring both of my children (son, will be five in april and daughter, aged 2 1/2) into the shower with me when I am rushed to quickly clean them both off. My husband feels that my son is getting to old to do this My son doesn't seem to notice much about me, but did ask me the other day what my breasts were and asked me wny his sister used to suck on them (it seems remarkable that he remembers this since I stopped breast feeding her when she was about 5 months old). Thanks
Barbara_Meltz: Namom, your husband is right. You have reached the stage.
Jordan_s_Mom__Guest_: I have an 8.5 year old boy, and we have dealt with encopresis for many years, but now it seems to be much better. however, he is still wetting the bed at night. he is in sleep diapers, and even wets through those! we try to limit fluids in the evening but it seems he is a very sound sleeper, and sometimes he makes it, but a lot of time he doesn't. any ideas?
Barbara_Meltz: Jordan's MOm, have you had him checked medically? There may well be a physical/medical issue. At this age, surely it begins to affect his self-esteem and even friendships. I suggest you also contact the Toileting Clinic at Chidlren's Hospital, I think the director is Blair Barone (sp?).
Barbara_Meltz: This chat has flown by -- I'm way over my time slot! There are a few questions that I didn't get to, I'll try to start off the next chat with them, March 17. Bye!