April 21, 2008 - Barbara Meltz parenting chat
Barbara_Meltz: Welcome to the parenting chat. I just left Heartbreak Hill to walk home to do the chat, so I hope you have some questions!!
Barbara_Meltz: Nothing like browbeating my constituency, huh?!
mcgrath99__Guest_: Barbara, how do you address current events with children(age 7) without alarming them? (i.e. war in Iraq) Or are we better to limit or eliminate their exposure to this type of worldly news.
Barbara_Meltz: McGrath99, I do believe in limited exposure for children this young and younger. That said, they become aware of events, both near and far, just by virtue of being alive in this age of information. So even when you think they have not heard about something, it's a good idea to ask them now and again, "Have you heard about a place called Iraq?" "Have you heard about something called global warming?"
Barbara_Meltz: If he says no, you can say, "Well, if you ever hear about it and you have qusetions, just let me know, and I'll try to answer them." If he says "yeah, there's a war there," then your next question is, "Tell me what else you know." The idea is to get to what the child knows, so that you aren't giving them too much or too little information, but information that is at their level.
Barbara_Meltz: Two other things: I always took my son to the giant world map that we have hanging, and I would point out, "This is where X is, this is where we are." It was a way for him to feel safe, that the hurricane (or whatever) was far away even thougoh the news made it feel like it was right next door. Also, if you're interested, I give a talk to parent/school groups on this very subject: Raising children in a changing, complicated and often scary world. :)
abbysmom__Guest_: Our 1-year-old daughter has started having a hard time putting herself to sleep for both naps and at bedtime. We have a night-time routine (bath, books, bottle, then bed with her lovey). She is awake when we put her in (barely some nights), but as soon as she hits the mattress she starts screaming. Usually it takes her 15-30 minutes to put herself to sleep. She will fall asleep mid-scream. She is fed has a clean diaper, etc. Her screams are getting harder to listen to - this is relatively new. She used to just play/talk to herself and fall asleep quietly. Is there anything else we can do (other than just wait it out)?
Barbara_Meltz: Abbysmom, It sounds like you are doing everything right, so the next thing is to ask some questions: has anything changed in her daily routine (is she waking up earlier, napping longer or shorter)? Is there a new babysitter, do you or spouse have a new job, new stress? Have you been travelling, with or without her? Unusual excitement in the family? Changes in diet or health? Almost anything can cause these kinds of changes, but 15 to 20 mins is a long time for a 12-month old to cry. If you can rule out any other issue, my suggestion is to go back into her without picking her up, and rub her back while she calms herself down. Speak quietly and softly: Mommy's here, I can help you , but you can do this, you can calm yourself back down." By staying with her as she calms down, you will, of course, create a dependency that you will then need to wean her from (by simply being at the side of the crib and no longer rubbing the back; then by sitting away from the crib, then moving to the door of the room), but I think it's important for her to know she can count on you to get her through rough patches. It's a phase, it will pass, but like I said, that's a long time to let her cry. My favortie book on sleep issues is Ferber's new edition, "Solve your child's sleep problems. Brazelton, "Sleep the Brazelton Way" is also quite good.
mx2__Guest_: I recently read your column on "mini-magic", you talk about 3 and 4 year olds, will these also work on 2 year olds, or is that asking too much? Also, what's the best way to teach siblings to co-exist? The 2 year old is oldest, with an almost one year old. Naturally the baby wants to get into everything she's doing. And only 13 months older I can't really expect much from her. But if she is playing with a prized posession she just shrieks if he comes near.
Barbara_Meltz: mx2, Some of the mini-magic techniques -- getting down to a child's eye level -- will also be helpful for a 2 yo, but most of the strategies in that column are for children at a more advanced stage of development. For the sibling issue, my suggestion is not to expect a 2 yo to share prized possessions. Instead, say to her, "This is a toy you really love, isn't it? Do you want to play with that when he's napping? It's hard to share your most special toys, isn't it?" That gives him permission to have some things just for himself, but it also sends the message that sharing (or taking turns is a concept that younger children understand better) is a good thing. It's way too young to expect her to share. I also have a column on sharing, and on sibling issues, I'm happy to send if you email me for them, bfm801@rcn.com
Nancy__Guest_: My daughter who is 10 is really struggling with her 2 best friends. I think she is realizing she doesn't like them or how they act, but she is afraid if she stops being friends they will be as mean to her as others. How much as a mother should I get involved? I did e-mail her teacher.
Barbara_Meltz: Nancy, I really admire that you are asking that question! I think it's so hard not to rush in and want to fix problems like this. There are a few simple truths about girls' friendships: girls can be quite mean to each other, some psychologist once coined the term "mean & nasties" for this age & stage; friendships groups come and go and come again. Of course, your daughter is absolutely right, they will be mean to her. So the best thing you can do is validate her judgement by saying things like, "You know, sometimes girls can be mean and nasty to each other. You're probably right that they will turn on you." Let her know you admire her judgement, for spotting that she doesn't have as much in common with these girls as she once did. In other words, support and validate her enough so that she feels empowered to consider looking around for other friendships. Some questions to raise with her include, how do you know if a person is a good friend/ will be a good friend? what qualities are important to look for in a friend? How can you be a good friend to someone? What you don't want to do is get on the phone to the girls' mothers unless that's something you would do anyway, or insert yourself into their interactions. They could all be best friends again tomorrow!
a__Guest_: She says we've raised her to be independent and not care what other people think of her...but using a hair brush would be nice...Do you have any suggestions?
a__Guest_: Hello. I'm very happy that our 13 yr. old daughter is not into clothes, designer labels, etc. But I do wish she would care a bit more about her hair and general appearance. She says we
Barbara_Meltz: (sorry folks, the sequence of A's questions got confused)
Barbara_Meltz: A, So I agree with you that it's great she's not into the designer labels, etc etc. This is a stage, it will pass, and my guess is that the more you make a big deal out of it, the longer it will take. She's at a stage where she waants more than angything to feel that you show respect for her, not just the decisions she makes, but also her ability to make decisions at all. Cause, believe it or not, she's not so sure she can. So my advice is to negotiate in a way that will feel respectful to her, for instance, you could say, "I can't tell you anymore that you have to brush your hair, it's your body and your decisions. But there are there are 20 times a week when I wish you would brush your hair (A, I'm just picking an arbitrary number) because it would make me feel better if your hair was brushed (give her a few reasons why it's important to you.) I know I can't expect you to brush 20 times, but do you think we could agree on maybe 5 occasions a week when you could brush youro hair? Or 3 times?"
nic__Guest_: What are your thoughts on co-sleeping? My husband was away for work for a week in the middle of my 8-month old teething and frequently night-waking. I started bringing him to bed with me because I was exhausted from working myself during the day since the baby would sleep much better. But I'm afraid I may be fostering a bad habit that will be difficult to break.
Barbara_Meltz: Nic, Well, you're right it will be difficult to break, but whether it's a bad habit or not is a matter of opinion. This is a very personal decision. The reason it has been shunned in our America is because our culture so fiercely believes in independence, even in children, especially in the ability to sleep. My point is that this is a cultural issue, not a developmental one. Yes, you want your child to eventually be be able to sleep on his/her own, because that's our cultural norm. But if you and your husband are OK with co-sleeping, and you take the necssary precautions to keep a baby safe and you aren't having sex when the baby is in bed with you, it may be a lovely "habit" for the three of you. If it isn't something you and your hsband like, then simply stop the habit before it goes any further. But yes, even just a few nights may mean that you will have to wean him from it. HEre's what you don't want to do: You don't want to let him fall asleep in the bed with you and then move him to his crib while he's asleep. You always want a baby to fall aslpee in the same place where he will be when he wakes up, so that he isn't surprised to find himself there.
a__Guest_: Thank you
Barbara_Meltz: Happy to help, A.
Li__Guest_: Barbara, my 13-year-old stepson wants to live with his father and me. Would it be good for him to talk to his mother first, have his father talk to his mother, or have his father initiate formal proceedings?
Barbara_Meltz: Li, There's no easy or one-size-fits-all answer to this. It depends on the relationships and on the history of the relationships. But I think it's fair to say that formal proceedings would be the most likely to create hard feelings and it is always in a child's best interests for these kinds of negotiations to happen as amiably as possible. That said, without knowing the reasons for making a change, it's impossible to offer advice.
Tired_Mom__Guest_: My 5 year old daughter keeps waking up 2-3 times a night to go the bathroom, drink of water, get tucked back in, etc. She seems to go through these cycles but this has been going on for a few weeks and we are getting tired. Any advice on how to get her to sleep through. We have tried positive and negative discipline and neither has worked. Any advice?
Barbara_Meltz: Lots of sleep questions today! Is it the moon?
Barbara_Meltz: Tired mom, I think it's impossible to "get" a child to sleep through; there are natural awakenings that happen as part of the sleep cycle and at this age, it's not unusual for kids to have bad dreams which wake them. (It's a normal stage.) What you can try for is that she gets up and back to sleep without needing you. Can she navigate one of these awakenings by herself? For instance, "I think you're old enough to take the drink of water yourself. I;m going to leave it here, on your night stand, and you can drink it all by yourself." If that doesn't work, what about creating a place in your room where she can come to sleep, by herself, without waking you? Tell her, "It makes me too tired the next day when I get up with you three times at night. It's OK if you need be once during the night, but if you need to be near me, you can come in our room, and sleep on this sleeping bag. But please don't wake me." You may feel like this is creating a monster but it's also giving her a fair amount of independence to make this decision and put herself back to sleep. Most kids who do this for a short time grow out of it on their own.
Jill__Guest_: My 5-year-old seems to have (in my opinion) an odd fascination with death. I support his keen interest in learning about his body - nutrition, bones, organs - but get stumped when he asks if he's going to die and exclaims that he doesn't want to die! I've explained that this is something SO long off that he doesn't have to worry about, afterall who know what science will discover when he's older, but he keeps coming back to this. I can't entirely skirt the issue as he does have an older grandparent who is not in the best of health, but he's not on his deathbed either. Anyway, I'm probably not addressing this issue to his satisfaction since it keeps popping up. We also have a pet that requires medications, but we don't dwell on it being sick.
Barbara_Meltz: First of all, Jill, this is really normal -- his questions, and your uncertainty about how to respond. I'm betting that some child he knows has recently lost a grandparent or a dog, or he somehow has heard someone talking about death. It's also likely that a new level of cognition has kicked in for him that's making him aware that death is not reversible.
Barbara_Meltz: Don't shy away from an honest conversation, it's just that he needs truthful information in sound bites he can handle, at a level he can grasp and, lucky for you, spring is a great time for a little science/truth talking at a level he can understand because you can talk about the cycles of life: look how bare the trees were and now they are flowering again, etc. Some things in nature look like they are dead forever, but then they look like they come to life again. When human beings die, they are dead forever. Did you know that?" One conversation is to use a dead insect to talk about what dead means: "See this big ant? It's dead. that means it can't walk anymore, or eat any more or go to the bathroom or breath anymore." In another conversation, if he pursues it, you can talk about what it means when people die: that we don't see them anymore, because their body is buried (or cremated) but their spirit stays with us, because we remember them, and look at their pictures, and talk about them." As long as he asks the questions, dish out the informations in small bites. Also ask him querstions, What do you think happens with something is dead? Do you know anyone who has died? Do you wonder if someone you know is going to die? Try to get at what's really on his mind. You are not going to frighten him as long as you give him information he is seeking at a level he can undertand , and as long as you figure out what, exactly, he wants to know. That's most likely why he keeps coming back to the subject: he hasn't gotten the answers to his questions yet.
Barbara_Meltz: So my hour is up -- thanks so much for joining the chat. If I didn't get to your question, please join me again on Monday, May 5.
Jill__Guest_: Thanks for being here for what appear to us parents as odd questions!