July 7, 2008 -- Barbara Meltz parenting chat
Barbara_Meltz: Parenting chat is open for business. But first, a request: If you have received a copy of a Child Caring column from me in the past, can you forward it back to me? My computer crashed a few weeks ago and I lost everything in Outlook, from previous correspondence, to copies of my past columns, which I had stored in an Outlook folder. (We backed up everything in Word etc, but not in Outlook -- a word to the wise!) Many many thanks to those of you who responded to my plea during the Chat last time (I don't need any more copies of Mini Magic!). Arthur, where are you?!
arlingtonmom__Guest_: Hi Barbara, My four-year old son still asks for diapers for his bowel movements. He has never used the toilet for them, so I think it's a matter of getting him to do it for the first time. He refuses to even try and runs away when I even suggest sitting on the potty. I'm willing to wait until he is ready (within reason!), but my husband and mother-in-law are concerned. Any suggestions?
Barbara_Meltz: ArlingtonMom, I feel very comfortable in telling you to tell your husband and his mom to back off: they can worry all they want, but tell them to keep their comments, concerns out of his earshot. He's mostly likely deriving some degree of negative attention from his behavior, which fuels it to continue. Be mindful that when he asks for a diaper, you give it to him without affect, that is to say, totally matter of factly, as if he asked for a glass of water. Don't say, wouldn't you like to try the toilet, don't say anything. Find ways to engage him in the clean-up process, for instance, changing in an out of the diaper on his own, etc., whatever you are comfortable with. I am happy to say that I can email you a column I wrote recently about late-to-train children, although I don't have the column itself (does anyone?) Email me, BFM801@rcn.com.
furz__Guest_: Hello! My 5 year old is rather bossy at home, ordering her little sister (and parents) around. She then gets frustrated when we don't do what she has asked us to do. Is this a common 5 year old issue? Any techniques to reduce the bossiness AND her frustration?
Barbara_Meltz: Furz, It's pretty typical at this age, esp if it's the summer before kindergarten, for kids to move in and out of stages where they feel incredibly grown-up and competent -- "I'm going into kindergarten! I can do anything!" -- and that is likely fueling the bossy behavior. One antidote is to give her plenty of opportunities to be in control of things so she doesn't need to be bossy, for instance, giving her a household responsibility that makes it clear she's more grown up than her sister. For instance: "I've noticed, you can be so creative when you draw. I'm wondering if you could create a centerpiece for dinner tonight." Give her some suggestions: it could be a drawing, it could be a bunch of flowers, it could be a sea shell, or a rock. If she seems to enjoy doing it (and give her appropriate but not off the chart praise -- the table looks so special tongiht -- you could ask her if she'd like to make that her responsibility every night. You get the idea. Look for whatever ways you can to give her this sense of control without actually labelling it, "You're going to k, you're so grown up!" (because that can back-fire).
Barbara_Meltz: Meanwhile, what also goes along with this stage is periods where she may regress, and you'll see lots of "I can't do this!" around behaviors that you know she can do perfectly well. That's all about the fear: "If I'm so grown up (that I can go to kindergarten etc), will mom and dad still take care of me?!" So the antidote to that is to respond matter of factly, "Sure, I can help you with this today," without getting into power struggles over it. I've written about this many times, it's one of the columns I don't have but there is a section in my book on the summer before kindergarten.
cambridgemom70__Guest_: Whats a reasonable allowance? I actually didnt have one as a child but I feel like these days, it's more normal -- should I give my 6 year old son two dollars a week? Or five? I want him to learn the value of a dollar
Barbara_Meltz: Cambridgemom, I generally advise parents to begin allowance when kids start to ask for it, or when you know their age mates are getting it. I'm not a proponent of tying it to successful completion of a chore; I think it's an entitlement precisely because it is a way for children to learn to handle money. Once you initiiate it, however, set some clear guidelines on spending: for instance, how much candy he can buy in a week, or if he wants to save for a video game, what games are off-limits. Many families insitute a 1/3-1/3-1/3 policy, where the child puts 1/3 into a good old-fashioned bank account, where he can see interest accruing; 1/3 to a charity he chooses (give him a list of age-appropriate ones to choose from); 1/3 to spend as he wants within the limits/values of the famiily. Email me for a copy of a recent column on this (I have that one), but there are some older columnns on allowance -- anybody out there got copies of that one?
Barbara_Meltz: Cambrdigemom, by the way, if you're going to do the 1/3 formula, I'd probably give him $3,not $2, j ust to make the math easier.
searching4safety__Guest_: I'm a new mother looking to safeproof my home -- what would you suggest other than the plastic outlet covers and the rubber tips you can put on the edges of tables?
Barbara_Meltz: SEarching4safety: With a baby, the single most important is attending to the baby while he/she is on the changing table. Gates are really important, at the top and bottom of stairs, and window guards and/or locks. Also, homes tend to have a lot more electronic wiring and contraptions these days (like the mouth of a DVD machine where little fingers can go). Otherwise, I think you have hit the highpoints. There are lots of new-ish products out there now that would make you think your home is minefield. Many of them are unnecessary in my opinion. Use common sense, like putting things out of reach (you don't want to have to say no every time the baby turns around).
Barbara_Meltz: Meanwhile, I have written a column (I hate to sound like a broken record, but) .... on childproofing. Anybody have that one?! I don't.
sunny__Guest_: My 5 yr old girl is afraid to be alone - she says she has monsters in her head like I have songs in mine. I had her draw a picture of the monsters and throw it out and that helped a little but she is still afraid. Any advice? and I also have some columns I can send you including mini-magic.
Barbara_Meltz: HI Sunny, Is thata her language, that she has them in her head like you have songs in yours?! That's a pretty impressive level of thinking for a 5 y-o! I'm assuming this is mostly a problem at bedtime? I love the idea of taking a atomizer and filling it with food-colored liquid, calling it something creative, and spraying the room to keep monsters away; also, looking in all the places where she thinks a monster might hide and spraying, checking, even double-checing. In other words: the fear is real to her; you can't pooh-pooh it if, for no other reason, than establishing her sense of trust in you. When my son was little, there was a great stuffed animal called BakaBaku, which was a part lion, part elephant and it sucked bad dreams or monsters. It's from Chinese mythology. One other thing: if this is a fear that crops up during the day as well as night, and if it interferes with her ability to function in normal ways, then this is more than a developmental stage and warrants a consult with a psychologist.
c__Guest_: Is this the article? http://www.boston.com/yourlife/family/articles/2004/11/11/the_years_of_living_dangerously/ Might help the childproofing chatter
Barbara_Meltz: Cguest, That sound be the one on childproofing! Thanks!
Lou__Guest_: My 4yo daughter is up until 10pm at night! I know it is partly because she still naps at daycare when she doesn't really need to. I have asked the teachers to not let her sleep but they say she seems tired and always falls asleep during naptime. She is usually good about staying in bed looking at books, but is always awake and sometime appears asking for some random thing. I'm not worried about lack of sleep because she always wakes up on her own in the morning, often first! But shouldn't she be going to sleep earlier? Help!
Barbara_Meltz: Lou,The typical 4 year old needs 11 hours of sleep. In his book, Richard Ferber suggest that 0 to 1 hour of that total come from a nap. Too much napping can absolutely interfere with night sleep but sometimes just eliminating a nap won't get you the earlier bedtime, especially if a child is tired at the nap time, as her teachers say. Rather than ask the teachers to eliminate the nap altogether, what about asking them to limit how long it lasts, starting by cutting 15 mins off it, etc. Another suggestion is to actually put her into bed closer to the time when she actually falls asleep, so you don't run the risk of her developing unpleasant associations with being in bed and not falling asleep. Ferber has a whole section on naps in the new edition of his book, which I think is terrific (Solve your child's sleep problems, 2nd ed)
sandie__Guest_: i have an 18 month boy who is extremely picky. i've heard "keep trying" and "give it time" but i'm looking for specific help - foods to try, ways to get him to eat, etc. He only likes waffles, crackers and yogurt right now.
Barbara_Meltz: Sandie, RElax! Is he healthy? Is he thriving? Is the doc worried? Researchers say it takes 70 times -- that is not a typo -- of seeing a "new" food before it is no longer new to a child. Give him the food he eats along with other healthy food at the same time; refrain from commmenting on what he does and doesn't eat. By and large, eating problems happen because parents create them by over-reacting. Email me for my column on picky eaters; it's one of the ones I have.
Romeo__Guest_: Barbara, do you ever speak at parent association meetings, etc? My son's school is looking for a speaker for the fall...
Barbara_Meltz: Romeo, I do! I have a number of topics I speak about (homework; preteens' social life; teens and drinking etc; raising children in a scary world). I have a brochure I can send you if you email me BFM801@rcn.com and lots of references.
sunny__Guest_: HI again - yes the monsters in her head like songs in mine is her language and she doesn't want to be alone during the day either - she has sat in the bathroom while I am in the shower or on the toilet. She also has had accidents when no one could go with her to the bathroom in time - is this more than a developemental stage?
Barbara_Meltz: Sunny, Yes. Even if there has been some precipitating event (most likely a video that frightened her), it sounds like something that needs professional attention.
BB__Guest_: Hi Barbara Several weeks ago I found out my 17 year old son has been smooking marijuana for about once aweek for a year. We grounded him from seeing his friends for 5 weeks. I also informed his 2 friends' parents because they were doing it too. I know that the other parents have not come down on their kids the same way we did so our son is doubly unhappy with us. I feel our punishment is just, we need to make it clear that this is unacceptable. I'm looking for advice as to what to say to him as we go forth. He told me when I found out that I'd ruin his social life if I made him stop and that he'd stop at the end of the summer. This is obviously unacceptable and I want to make it clear he needs to make better choices.
Barbara_Meltz: BB, I'm not big on grounding kids, esp at this age and esp for such a long period of time. All it does is build resentment, which fuels even more dangerous and risky behaviors. I would reconsider if I were you. Assuming he is he otherwise a responsible person, (not in trouble with police, teachers etc), I suggest a conversation with him in which you say: We were obviously very upset; we felt we needed to make our point very strongly and to remind you about our values. I'd outline the reasons why you don't want him using, and tell him you are willing to re-negotiate, altho not your central point that he stop now. What ideas does he have for how he can resume his social life without smoking? If he says that's impossible (which he probably will), tell him, "Well, give it some thought." And let it sit for a few days. But frankly, I do think 5-weeks ground is harsh. He's sitting there every night hating you and all he's thinking about is better ways to hide/lie to you in the future.
cc__Guest_: Do you think an elementary school education is more important than high school because that is where the love of education and proper study habits begin?
Barbara_Meltz: CC, I do agree that elem is where love of learning and study habits begin.
capa__Guest_: what is the correct way to deal with fear of nightmares before bedtime. son is 5 and never had problems going to sleep
Barbara_Meltz: Capa, Don't go looking for problems! Children don't typically develop a fear of nightmares unless they begin having nightmares, and it's not a given that every child will. The best way to deal with them when they occur is to comfort the child as best as possible, giving the child what it is he needs, usually for you to stay with him while he goes back to sleep, and then weaning away from that over time. It is not helpful to ask about the content of the bad dream in the middle of the night, that tends to make it more real and to wake the child up more.
bigcitylady__Guest_: Hi Barbara, My husbands feels that when he asks our 5 year old to something that he should only have to ask once and our sone should comply. I'm more from the mindset that at this age they still need to be asked a few times and I'm OK with that if he follows through. Are kids in the 5 year old range capable of hearing a request and processing it the first time? Thank you.
Barbara_Meltz: Bigcitylady, NO!! There are many times when kids literally do not hear the request the first or even second time, especially if they are intently engaged in some other activity. (Guess what, I wrote a column about this and don't have a copy, it was based on a Jules Pfeiffer book, called "Meanwhile...") Antidotes include making eye contact with the child when you speak to him; giving warnings (Not "in five minutes it will be time to..." because kids don't have a sense of time; rather: When you finish X, it will be time to...); using a timer. When your husband insists that your son comply the first time, he is setting himself up for failure and resentment. Develpomentally, your child just isn't capable of what he's expecting.
capa__Guest_: I should have elaborated more. He did have a nightmare about a dog. He says he needs my husband or I to lay with him and is afraid that he will have another nightmare. He needs the hall light on and closet doors shut. I guess we are afraid that laying with him will become a habit. I try to calm him down and lay with him for a few minutes, but its never enough. He carries on crying. My heart breaks. My husband says its a game, which upsets me. I know its not, I can see the fear in him.
Barbara_Meltz: Capa, fearfulness is not a game, it's real, and when you don't treat it as real, you diminish your son's ability to trust you. Continue searcying the closet (use the monster spray I mentioned above, just call it bad dog spray, whatever) and yes, the laying down with him may become a habit. But once he sees his needs will be met, and given that he was an independent sleeper before, it will be easier to wean him of it. If it happens sporadically, you can also create a place in your room where he can come in the middle of the night to sleep so he is not alone, and do it without waking you.
bigcitylady__Guest_: Thanks so much! I can't wait to show him your response (and I'll be googling to find your column).
akbutler: I am currently pregnant with my third child. What's the best way to get my two year old ready (my six year old is already pretty familiar with what's going to happen). Do you recommend sibiling classes at that young age?
Barbara_Meltz: AKButler, There isn't really much a 2 y old will understand other than this: "Babies are not always fun. All they do is poop and pee and cry and eat and sleep." In other words: honesty is your best policy. Also keeping it concrete. But sure, if the hospital welcomes young children to a sibling class, I don't see a reason not to do it, esp if the two do it together.
RAM__Guest_: Barbara--any ideas about swaddling? My preemie (9 weeks early) still likes to be swaddled. He is 9 months now and not rolling. (He has delays.) What's your take on swaddling at this age?
Barbara_Meltz: RAM, This is a question for your doc, but I can't think of a reason not to swaddle as long as there is also time when he is not swaddled. (He can't learn to roll if he's always swaddled!) Harvey Karp (The happiest baby on the block) is a big proponent of swaddling as a source of comfort for babies, I don't know what his end point would be for a premie.
BB__Guest_: Thanks you for the advice. You have guided me so many times on so many issues , you and Peter Hotton rock! BB
car__Guest_: Any tips for a 17 mo old girl throwing tandtrums dailey when it is time to get into the car seat in the car?
Barbara_Meltz: Car, Yeah: make it a choice: "To ride in the car, we have to use the carseat. Otherwise, we can't go." The first time you do this, make sure it's someplace she wants to go to; even better, arrange it so that if she doesn't want to use the car seat, you have a way of leaving her behind; also don't do it unless you are willing to run the risk that she will say, "OK, no go," because you are giving her power and she will take it at some point. I don't mean to say that you give her all the power, but rather that you make it clear that going in the car without the car seat is not an option.
JM_Mom__Guest_: do have any books you recommend on children's eating issues? My 5YO seems to use food as a source of contention.
Barbara_Meltz: JM -- Berry Brazelton has a book, Feeding the Brazelton Way, that's the bare bones on this age.
Barbara_Meltz: Gotta end, my time is long up. I apologize for those of you whose question I didn't get to.