Birthday presents get a timeout from parents

Toys make way for spirit of charity, simplicity

Lilli Silverston, 6, checked out her presents after her birthday party at My Gym in Boston last week. The gifts will be donated to Massachusetts General Hospital. (ERIK JACOBS FOR THE BOSTON GLOBE)

When Carrie Alyea's daughter, Piper, turned 7 this month, guests invited to her jungle-themed party were asked not to bring presents for the birthday girl. Instead, they could donate $5 to the parents' organization at Piper's school.

"She already has so much stuff she doesn't play with," said the South End mother. "I saw it as a good way not to have parents spend money on toys that will be thrown in the corner."

Some kids arrived with gifts anyway, but Piper's pile of loot was so small she asked her mom what had happened to all her presents. Alyea distracted her daughter with trinkets left over from the festivities, but later admitted: "I did feel a little bad." Still, she pointed out, the party raised about $70. "We'll probably do something similar next year."

Kiddies, hold on to your Thomas trains: a battle over birthday gifts is barreling down the track. Fueled by environmental concerns, charitable impulses, and stepped-up campaigns to control household clutter, a growing number of middle-class parents are drawing the line at birthday presents.

"A lot of Gen X and Gen Y parents feel their kids already have enough stuff," said Lisa Kothari, author of "Dear Peppers and Pollywogs . . . What Parents Want to Know About Planning Their Kids' Parties." "They don't want a bunch of miscellaneous gifts."

Many parents struggling in a rocky economy might think twice about turning down gifts for their children. But for affluent fam ilies, the no-gift trend at birthday parties is burgeoning as parents try to impress the importance of simplicity and giving on kids who may not see much evidence of it at home. Parents are still buying birthday gifts for their own kids. But an increasing number of invitations to children's parties read: "Your presence is present enough."

"One thing we know is that very large numbers of people feel we've become too materialistic," said a Boston College sociologist, Juliet B. Schor, author of "Born to Buy." "It's a touchy subject right now, how we're living."

The anticonsumerist children's party takes a variety of forms. Some parents hold completely present-free parties. Others coordinate book swaps so every guest (and the birthday boy or girl) goes home with a book. Still others use the occasion to collect toys or canned goods for charity. As parents might expect, many kids resist the idea, but some others, especially older children, want to use their parties to help the less fortunate. "What we're seeing is an increase in the awareness in children of other children in need," says Meryl Sheriden of the Massachusetts-based nonprofit Horizons for Homeless Children, which has been the beneficiary of many birthday-party donations. Hosts are "telling guests to bring art supplies or toys or things we need on our wish list."

In some circles, parents have become almost competitive in their quest to banish materialism from their children's parties. The nonpresent is quickly becoming the "must-have" gift.

"The bragging rights are going to be 'How much money did you raise at your birthday party?' " said University of Minnesota professor Bill Doherty, a founder of the group Birthdays Without Pressure, which hopes to launch a national conversation about super-sized parties.

But while the present-free movement may have lofty goals, not everyone is ready to sign on. And that can spark conflicts among hosts and guests.

"It's a very charged issue," says Kothari. She hears from both sides: parents who think denying gifts to other people's children is cruel, and parents angry that guests ignored the no-gift request on the invitation. "There's a lot of tension."

Not all the friction is among adults. A no-present order issued without the child's blessing can make him or her feel "jilted," says John Dacey, a Boston College emeritus professor of developmental psychology. "It's not a wonderful thing to force them to do it. All they learn is that you're doing what you want to do as a parent and not what they want to do on their birthday."

Madeline Levine, a psychologist in Marin County, Calif., and author of "The Price of Privilege," calls the present-free trend a "childish solution" to the problem of parents who reward their kids simply for behaving themselves. "Kids now get gifts for everything," she said. " 'You got an A: Let me get you something. You woke up this morning: You want something, you can have it.' " After that, taking a public "no-gift" stand on a child's birthday strikes Levine as "almost self-righteous."

Others think it's ironic that many of the same parents refusing gifts for social or environmental reasons are spending hundreds of dollars on a cake, entertainment, and party favors.

"It seems funny that parents today will make this option/request to 'humble' their child," Katie Tagliavia, owner of maternity boutique 9 Months, said in an email. "Yet it happens in the midst of $500 organized events."

Indeed, at My Gym, a birthday party venue with locations in Boston, Newton, and Walpole, rates run as high as $375 for a 90-minute party. These days, one-quarter of the parties are either totally present free or guests bring gifts for charity, according to co-owner Katie Koert. "The parents say they already have enough stuff."

Whatever the benefits, the present-free birthday can be a tough sell for those most affected: the kids.

A recent Sunday saw Lilli Silverston of Brookline celebrating her sixth birthday at My Gym in Boston.

Last year, Lilli's parents suggested she donate her presents to charity, a gesture she wanted no part of.

This time, though, it was Lilli's idea to donate her gifts - to the children at Massachusetts General Hospital, where her mother is a social worker. "I'm really nice," Lilli said, explaining why she wanted to give away her presents, "and I want the children to be happy."

A departing guest, Bennet Murray, 6, was asked if he might like to follow her example. "No," he replied instantly. "I like getting presents."