Chaos theory
Life with twins, triplets, or quadruplets may be hectic, but it doesn’t necessarily ruin marriages
It’s Friday morning, and the Whitelaw household is overcome with the racket of colliding toy trucks and hurled kitchen utensils and sneakered feet skidding into walls. Cameron, 8, has pushed Brendan, 6, into a table, and Brendan is shrieking mightily. Cassandra, 10, stomps up the stairs. Brianna, 3, her face scrunched and red, holds up a finger and sobs, “Abby bit me!’’ Abby, 3, scowls in the corner. Nicholas, 3, blithely sticks his fingers into a cup of juice. In the midst of it all, Mary Whitelaw manages the chaos like a triage nurse, wiping tears and daubing bruises as her husband, Bob, follows dutifully in her wake. “Cameron, stop bouncing off the walls! Bob, he’s bouncing off the walls,’’ she yells. And Bob comes to the rescue, settling Cameron onto a couch as Mary chases Brendan down the hall.
“This is pretty typical of our dynamic,’’ Mary says. “I bark the orders, and everyone follows.’’
“Ay ay, captain,’’ Bob says, laughing.
Mary and Bob Whitelaw, who live in Barre, have six children, including 3-year-old triplets - not exactly uncommon in Massachusetts, which has the nation’s highest rate for birth of multiples. The Whitelaws have been married 11 years, and both admit that it hasn’t always been easy. “There are just so many more issues with multiple births,’’ says Mary Whitelaw, who had originally planned to have four children. “Some months we didn’t even think we could pay our bills.’’ But through it all, their relationship has remained intact. “We just don’t let the little things bother us anymore,’’ Bob said.
After the marriage of Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of TLC’s “Jon and Kate Plus 8,’’ exploded in a spate of acidic public comments and tabloid frenzy, speculation has swirled about the toll that raising multiples takes on a relationship. “Parents of multiples have triple the divorce rate,’’ Kate declared tearfully on the show. “I was thinking we were going to beat that. I don’t know if I can say that anymore.’’ This quote was bandied about so energetically online and in the media that the statistic “triple the divorce rate’’ has become widely ingrained and accepted. “Kate said that parents of multiples have a higher divorce rate, and I definitely can relate,’’ reads a post on one message board for “moms of multiples.’’
But in reality, little substantive research has been done regarding divorce and parents of multiples. An unscientific study released this week by Mothers of Supertwins (MOST), a nonprofit support network for parents of multiples, found that 4.3 percent of the nearly 3,000 parents of multiples who responded to its survey were divorced. (Nationally, nearly half of marriages end in divorce.) “The results were considered unbelievably low compared to data that has been shared through the media over the years,’’ said MOST executive director Maureen Boyle, while conceding that the sample size was small.
Christine and Jason Bradford, whose home in Boylston is a minefield of Playmobile figures, dollhouses, and slumped teddy bears, have two sets of twins, 4 and 2 years old. “It has not put a strain on our marriage,’’ Christine says. “I think we’re like every other couple out there. We disagree on politics. We disagree on what to do for the weekend. We argue about finances, and we disagree on some parenting choices.’’
Her husband, a firefighter, admits that money has been tight since the younger twins were born, but fighting about it seems futile. “There are a thousand reasons we should go our separate ways - these guys are one reason why we shouldn’t,’’ Jason says while the younger twins, Adam and Reed, slither on his lap and Abigail yanks his hair. Joshua gleefully flings a toy car and sends it ricocheting off the walls. Christine bustles over to apprehend the toy, but Jason doesn’t blink. “That’s always your attitude ‘Eh, whatever,’ ’’ she tells him, smiling. “Maybe it helps that I try to make light of everything,’’ Jason says.
But even the Bradfords acknowledge that the normal stresses of child care - the sleep deprivation, the financial strain, the challenge of divvying up responsibilities, and often, when several fetuses are involved, medical concerns - are compounded by the simultaneity of multiple births. Jennifer Malone, who teaches courses for expectant parents of twins and triplets at Isis Maternity, said she always assumed the divorce rates for parents of multiples were higher, and she includes a section on “Taking Care of You and Your Relationship’’ in her curriculum. “All the things that you go through with having one baby -the division of labor, who takes out the trash, who changes the diaper - are so heightened,’’ she said.
Pam Pace, a co-founder of the Massachusetts support group Keeping Pace With Multiple Miracles, said there were more single mothers in the group last year than any other year. Of 300 members, 12 were single mothers; in past years, the group had never had more than four. “I think it has to do with the economy,’’ Pace said. “When you lose your job and have extra mouths to feed, it can really do a number on a family.’’
Michele Christian, who was divorced from her husband shortly after their twins were born, is organizing a support group for single mothers of multiples. “It’s such a shock to your system to go from zero to two or three or four kids,’’ said Christian, who lives in Abington. “You feel like you’re the kids’ slave. Your sense of self is lost. Sometimes parents get so overwhelmed that they just bail.’’
For Joan and David Schulz, the hardest things to negotiate as a couple were the medical issues that arose when Joan gave birth prematurely to her triplets, who are now 7. Joan suffered from health complications during and after the pregnancy, and her two sons have high-functioning autism. “I think that if people can’t find a way to manage the stress,’’ Joan says, “it could really break a marriage apart.’’ The first few years, she recalls, were largely devoted to dealing with her sons’ developmental delays.
“They sucked all the attention up like little vampires!’’ announces Shannon, 7, flinging herself into her father’s lap while her brothers jump up and down on the couch.
“Joan is the organizer, and I’m the foot soldier,’’ David says. Joan orchestrates afterschool activities, play dates, and lunches: sunflower butter on whole wheat bread for Bradley, cold pizza for young David, and soy butter and jelly sandwich for Shannon. David shuttles the kids around and helps get them ready in the mornings.
But the Schulzes, Bradfords, and Whitelaws agree heartily on one thing: When it comes to dealing with multiples - as in any healthy marriage - communication is key.
“If I’m not happy with someone, you know it,’’ Mary Whitelaw says.
Bob snorts from across the kitchen. “The glare. The eyebrow.’’
Mary laughs. “It’s exhausting,’’ she says. “But I wouldn’t change a thing.’’
“I wouldn’t either,’’ Bob adds.
For a moment, the house is quiet. Cassandra and Brianna poke at their cereal; Brendan and Cameron retreat to the living room as soft strains of “SpongeBob’’ waft from the TV; even the family poodle, Bradley, sinks drowsily to the floor. But then there’s a clattering “thud’’ and someone starts bawling and Mary calls, “Bob! Somebody fell!’’ and the chaos sets comfortably in.
Laura Bennett can be reached at lbennett@globe.com. 
